"THE EPIDEMIC OF GAY LONELINESS" 

The loneliness has always been the hardest part of being gay for me. I'm glad to see someone talking about this more openly and in well-informed ways. We find it hard to admit that we ARE fundamentally damaged by our experiences of growing up as gay.

It doesn't get better. It may get better for a select few, but for everybody else, it simply doesn't. It'll never get better until gay people stop avoiding and begin talking to each other OUTSIDE the realm of websites and apps. You don't need to connect to the world to find a friend close to home. Try your own block or town--like you might've done when you were a child.

I have read the article and I cannot say how scared I am for the future of this so called "gay community", I do agree with so many aspects of the article, if most gay men continue with this type of behavior, we'll end up alone. I do find it funny how the community fights for equality, yet we segregate ourselves within the community while hiding in our Grindr accounts. I will never ever understand why gay men also tend to be so shallow, rude, racist, violent (and even homophobic) towards other gay men. Great video :)

Being gay is the most unfortunate thing that can happen to somebody, in every sense of the word, is horrible! Depressing and forever suffering. I would change my life if I could, no matter what, gay is not bad, but it is extremely sad.

When I was younger and even today I turn to my adventures into nature to deal with the inherent lonliness life condition as a gay man

Im a handsome in shape middle aged unapologetically gay man who lives in a major US city. I have lots of friends and acquaintances but I still feel lonely much of the time. Even with all the work I have done on myself this has been very difficult to surmount. I have wonderful first dates that even include sex, and it is good sex because I have soul searched and objectively analyzed this to a fault, but it is STILL almost impossible to build romantic connections. The problem is that gay men see each other as being interchangeable if not utterly disposable and this is where the heart of the gay loneliness issue resides.

i appreciate you bringing up the POC community. no one ever talks about that and it's so important because the experiences of gay POC is much different than white gays. thanks for sharing this article with us

I'm sorry but before I listen to this I just feel like this title could be the title of my autobiography

I live in a small town in country Australia and our gay scene is small and poluted with toxic behaviour, it's so lonely

My solution to loneliness has been practicing "spirituality". Loneliness is a feeling of disconnect and spirituality is meant to bring you to a place of connection. :) I define spirituality as 3 things. 1) Connecting to self - through mindful meditation and reflection. I do that through either listening to meditation music and being still for 15 min. Or I go on a walk by myself and just listen to nature and reflect on things. Also journaling, reading a book or talking to myself outloud about how I'm feeling. Listening to my inner voice. 2) Connecting to others - joining some kind of fellowship is very important. It could be sports, hiking, a 12 step fellowship, affirming church or volunteering at a gay center. A place to reach out to others and be of service to them can really be helpful to you. To have a sense of belonging and to be needed makes us feel important. Some will try to find that in bars or sex and still feel empty but a non sexual environment can be most rewarding and fulfilling. 3) Connecting to "God", "Universe", "Higher Self" - Practicing prayer will give you a sense of not being alone. A sense of a presence or energy that is LOVING and is guiding you can relieve some of the loneliness. As long as your view of God is loving it can be beneficial. Through a connection you will feel a sense of being part of a bigger picture. That you have a purpose here in life and that through this power you will discover what that is.

Watching this video seriously gave me chills as a gay 18 year old the expectations of masculinity are crazy in this world and the de-gaying part has been my entire life. forcing myself to like future or lil Wayne when my inner soul is singing freak show or gimme more by a Britney. just the entire video hit home

We choose to be alone. We tend to be very superficial and shallow, and we judge people only by their looks. Appearance is the number one factor in gay community when deciding about dating someone, or even being friends with them. I have observed that, even in the comment section of videos like this, people tend to like much more the comments of handsome gay men than those of less good-looking or older men. But we refuse to admit our obsession with appearance, and above all we refuse to change.

When you reach 30s and 40s, you are not hot meat. Your hetero friends will be busy with family and kids. You sit alone. Gays as friend is sometimes pain in ass. They act weird

I wish gay men were more relationship oriented. I don't hook up anymore because it was just so unfulfilling. As much as I'd love to find a relationship, I realize the challenges and that is a lonely feeling my friend!

After reading the whole article and watching your video I gotta say that I think I'm feeling slightly worse about everything. In the article, the conclusion doesn't really address any solutions about the concerns presented within the article, but just sorta offers up this "well, we're different and that makes us kinda cool" sentiment. While I'm glad I read it and felt like it was really informative and eye-opening, the article is kind of bleak about the prospects of being a gay man; maybe that's just the truth of it all. :/

Wonderful video! I am an asexual, biromantic woman and though my story is different, I resonate with just about everything you said and presented. Fight on!

This is an excellent video. Almost all of us who survived the experience of growing up Gay live with PTSD and lifelong trauma - especially older Gay men. We are also the only group of people who are expected to accept that, deal with it on our own, or just navigate around it - rather than getting to a point where we collectively hold our society accountable. It seems like stepping up and collectively demanding recompense from our society might be helpful to all of us.

Zack, I am Gay and feeling really lonely and isolated right now. But your video was fantastic, the quotes you read out, wow. Going to read the article and take some notes. You have no idea how pleased I am to watch for video XX

I read the whole thing!

its so refreshing to see a young guy willing to seek out info for self improvement, very mature. I wish when I was in my twenties I had such insights. Even if things are pretty much the same when it comes to homophobia, today's young people are much more open. Is it that much easier or just personality changes. Hopefully; not too creepy, but I am in my 50's, and a bit envious of how free and trusting you all seem to be.

'It gets better' is a phrase often use to reassure gay youth, but I wonder if this is all a lie?

"Scanning social situations and... I don't fit in there," (and therefore not joining in, avoiding the interaction) -- Oh my gosh, I've been doing that lately and didn't really know it. Oh, man.... Just because you -mihgt- nt fit in does not mean you -won't- fit in or won't be accepted. Some of us need to put ourselves out there more.

I am gay, but I never had a problem with it. I never felt discriminated, my family and friends never had a problem with it. I realize 100% that being gay is natural and not even for 1 minute I felt like a minority. I don't have any gay friends, but I do date people from time to time. All these things about the community being toxic is so 100% true. I am not the one with a problem, but everyone around me is..... It's lonely

Hi, you brought up several good points. A big issue with being gay, is asking, “Why me?” Yes, I’ve noticed friends and even gay family members putting on the pretense of being out and proud, and happy? But, looking deeper, I see this broken, sad , individual. It pains me when I see so many young men sharing their stories...and deep down inside I pray for their safety and well-being. Just as we are not the one who created us, we still have to deal with our lot in life. And this can be lonely!

Random search because of everything in my life lead me to this. I'm dealing with a certain auto immune issue because of someone I trusted with my life and I got burned. It isn't nearly as catastrophic as it was 10 years ago, but the stigma still remains, and romantically you are limited in more ways than anyone would ever know. Love is something integral to the human experience, the need to be touched. Accepted. You learn to put on the strong face. The 'I'm not bothered, I'm working, everything is fine' and having the knowledge that it really isn't. The eternal screaming inside that never faulters.

Read the article & shared it with my college's LGBT+ group. I hope they read it too. I really liked it!! Thanks for sharing Zach.

I read the article and it made me cry cause of how true it was =( Especially the part of feeling I will not get the man and life I wish I could have "I will never have this". It breaks my heart almost every day

found this on Tumblr. I'm crying. shit. I'm not the only one then. huh

It seems like the issue is two people of the same sex bringing exactly the same thing to the table. At the end of the day, you are still talking about two men, both with masculine qualities. I'm really not surprised that the relationships are short-lived and more physical.

"gay loneliness" SHIT IF THAT AINT ME

Anthony Hollinghurst described loneliness in his book, "Swimming Pool Library" He described what it was like to be single and approaching 50 in the gay world: He wrote: "I find myself applying to the the subtler connoisseurship of the out of season. Days without warmth, Nights without encounter, The empty pleasure grounds and the violence of the tides." I find those words so profound because they describe so many single, middle aged, gay men. It seems in the gay world, men expire earlier than their hetero counterparts.

I’am 66 years old and find what this young man is saying so enlightening. I went through all my life feeling all the bad and debilitating things he’s talking about. Keep it up, you are doing a great thing.

I LOVE ACCIDENTALLY RUNNING INTO SHIT LIKE THIS. to be honest for someone who has gay friends I still have a limited view on the vast issues that the gay community goes through as a whole. So to have these resources that address such situations are a blessing, and really opened my eyes in terms of being sensitive and aware of what my friends could be going through. What hit hard was checklisting my priviledges as a straight person, getting publicly scorned/harmed at for such trivial things like holding my boyfriend's hand is not something we have to worry about :/ we will make a society where ya'll wont either

Holy shit. This is like a revelation to me... I have so many thoughts that I felt like I was alone in having but this and the article, while heavy, made me realise that I need to work harder to get out of the mental ruts I end up in. I feel like I could never complain because I haven't received much hate, but I feel quite disconnected from the gay community and have felt like I'm slowly retreating back into the closet at times. You got a new sub, and PS you are hella cute.

okay wow holy shit. i went through the article and i watched this video and spent a solid few minutes lying on my bed staring at the ceiling afterwards. all of this is so descriptive and accurate to my exact experience coming out and living as gay (i realized i was not straight when i was 14, came out at 16, i'm 19 and in college now) and i honestly don't know what i want to do with this information. i constantly feel so alone and anxious despite the fact that i've surrounded myself with a group of friends and family who all love me and accept me for exactly who i am. i like to think that i'm really unapologetic about who i am and that i live my life exactly as me, no holds barred, and i even pride myself on it sometimes. but despite that, i still feel so alone sometimes, and my brain gets so feverishly wired and anxious, especially when it comes to having relationships with others. i've had some irrational desire to feel love, deep love, love that for some reason i can't get from the people who do genuinely and unconditionally love me, and i've never been able to find an explanation as to why. i've come out and spent the better part of being 19 having a lot of hookups, which not only exposes me as a gay asian not-so-masculine guy firsthand to the bigotry and ignorance that exists in this community, it also made me understand that while sex is okay sometimes, it's not going to fill the void (or whatever other metaphor you wanna put there) that i've felt for most of my life. especially not meaningless sex with a guy whose face and name i'm gonna forget in a week. anyways i think i'm going to use this as a sign that i need to stop looking for something that i'm probably never going to get and pour my effort into the relationships i already have. because they're pretty great. also i need a hug i think, this made me think about a lot of deep shit. oh and i think i wanna delete grindr now lmao

I was triggered by brokeback mountain! Hey Zack, my name is shaka and i live in Africa; Uganda to be exact and i am a gay 24 year old male. I found this video after a quick search on gay loneliness because i am going through this at the moment. From a young age, i always loved being a gay man and did not struggle with accepting it about myself; untill recently i started to suspect that maybe my desire to get a husband, start a family, and 'make it work' in a homophobic country * with no lgbt rights watsoever, also moving to another country would be hard and expensive* with homophobic family was simply an illusion, then my confidence as a gay man reduced. That is when the depression started, so my brain started to 'tweak' at my reality to make me feel secure which lead to slowly accepting that i might just have to end up with a woman to avoid being alienated by family; loneliness and wanting kids also played into this. Then it got worse when my barin was painfully processing the possibility of being with a woman to the point that every woman i see, young or old, fat or thin, short or tall is judged on whether id like her/marry her. it got exessive and annoying that my brain is constantly having to juggle the reality of gay men in my country, my unattraction to women and their anatomy, whether id end up getting used to and enjoy being with a woman and that it is something i have to just get used to/make myself accept..also i am finding it harder to appreciate women without it uncomfortably becoming about 'marriage'. It all came crushing at once when i watched brokeback mountain a day ago, its theme of loneliness struck so deep, to a pathetic level of sad, it made it look like being gay in my reality is so absurd. so i came here to look for a solution, to talk to someone, to share my thoughts.

this is truly amazing. i've never thought to put my emotions into something as comprehensible as this. its great to know i'm not the only one who feels this way, and that my feelings are actually justifiable. now i can show this to my straight friends and hopefully this will give them a better understanding of how i truly feel whenever i slip into a depressive episode. thank you so much.

I gave up love and now I’m focused in school start med school next semester. Will adopt 2 kids and try to help as many ppl but honestly f love we don’t know her.

I'm in a relationship and living with my boyfriend and I feel lonely and depressed. I'm not sure that there is going to be a happy ending for me. Too much family trauma and no real friends or anyone to talk to. I can't talk to my boyfriend because I don't trust that he really loves me. If I died tomorrow, mine would probably be the loneliest funeral ever. 😂😂😂

The best approach is to convert your loneliness into solitude. There's a world of difference.

this changed my life I'm so grateful for this video

This is the sad reality. I always feel depressed after having made out with someone and I need about 3-4 days to clear up my mind and recover. So I avoid it as much as I can. In reality I need a deeper connection with someone and everyone wants just sex. Everyday I wake up it seems even more impossible to me making a real relationship. 😕

i read the article... and just wow. i am a straight girl but i could relate to it too kind of on the rejection part, bettering & changing myself to fit societal expectations to avoid rejection. but for gay guys doing that is part of such a vicious, complex cycle, because they have to worry about whether any rejection was because of them being gay, or just a "normal" rejection, then it leds to anxiety... etc. minorities always have it hard I guess. this just makes me want to hug and tell my gay friends that everything is gonna be okay, definitely made me feel even more empathetic for the gay community because they have to deal with something so complicated. much love for u zack 💕

Oh my God, this is so sad and frightening. Am not gay and it amazes me how much you go through. It has to get better. I hope each new generation things will improve. Yes, safety.

Im a 53 year old single gay male. Thank you so much for sharing the article. I feel that much less alone because of what you shared in this video. Keep up the good fight and share your message and love.

WOW. I can't even explain how much hearing your vid is affecting me right now. I mean you basically just summed up my life, current struggles and the core of my being right at the very instant I'm listening to your words... I don't even know what else to say right now but thank you for putting this out there..... I mean .... no words to describe. Thank you thank you

I read the whole thing. I found it on target. We're a culture in denial. Facing our stress a,d depression is the first step to health.

i gave up. im 44 yrs old and all i see is losers with mental health problems. I ll be lonely for many years

THANK YOU.. from Mexico..

7 years later this still hits home omg Ive just been feeling like shit becuz of this u dont understand how much hearing this meant

I probably watched and updooted this video around the time it came out, seven years ago. RU-vid has decided it is one of the ten or so ancient videos that must be continuously suggested on my feed. So I'm watching it again.

I read the article before I saw this video and I felt the exact same way in that I loooved it so thank u so much for giving it more publicity !!

this is so so true! thanks for this as a transwoman i can totally relate to this in the past ive done that alot i wish i had this when i was growing up. awesome job!

This is why I do not consider myself to be a part of any community. I am just simply a gay man. For a group of people that claim to be so inclusive, they have members of this “ community” that are so extremely divisive and exclusive. If you do not look a certain way, they look at you with such disgust that a person who is already insecure about themselves, and their sexuality begins to feel even more isolated. Right now am single, and I happily choose being single because I am comfortable in my own skin and no one is going to me feel otherwise. With that being said, I am not perfect, I have my struggles esteem, body image, and the normal things. I tend to feel that most of us struggle with gay or straight but right now I am so at peace with myself, that if I do choose to bring someone into my life, I absolutely need to be sure that they are going to be a positive addition to my everyday life. Otherwise I will happily stay alone. I think this community is broken beyond repair and this is why I have chosen to disassociate myself with anything LGBT related.

The article was amazing!! It even cited all their sources! I am in a master's program to become a therapist and I had no idea that there were all these problems that a gay man could be dealing with (minority stress, drug use, still not feeling like they could have that "ideal suburban married life", etc.) I am sending this to everyone in my class and I am so happy I read this, thank you.

I like that article too.. i think every gay male could feel identified with some parts of it specially at certain cycles of our lives.. I really like the videos you put up handsome.. keep up the good work !! greetings from Mexico

I am so touched and so thankful that you sat down and took the time to talk about this and bring it to my attention. I don't think you understand how personally touched I was by this. I've followed you on tumblr for years now and have only really ventured to your RU-vid a few times but this one truly hit home. With tears in my eyes, I thank you with my whole heart.

I'm really glad this article is getting the attention it deserves. I found that what has really worked for me in finding way to connect with other gay men in an environment where the sexual element has been completely removed. I volunteer in a non-profit that works on LGBTQ issues and I've come into contact with a lot of guys who never would have approached me (or vice versa) in a bar or on Grindr because we're simply not each others' types. But since we have a mission to accomplish together, we're able to connect and get to know each other as human beings and not just a potential sexual or romantic partner. I've made a few friends there and before I had exactly one gay friend and he was an ex. It just seems to me that when you take away the sex, the "bitchiness" goes out the window, because guys are not so worried about being hit on or getting into someone's pants and so they drop the act and open up. And being vulnerable is the only way to build real friendships. To be clear I live a big city with a large gay community, so that probably affects my experience somewhat. And while we're at it, can someone please start a #daywithoutgrindr hashtag? Just to get people to turn it off (And Scruff, Hornet, Zipr, etc) for one day and actually go on a freakin date. I almost feel like Grindr is one of the worst things to happen to gay men socially. And I say this as a user...

Thanks for the info, i live in california, about 40 mins from SF, i see around 20 gay guys in my gym, and they are all in grindr, no one is interested on dating, i think its still too soon for the gays to take that step, and leave the hookupz for a real thing

If Grindr is the new baths, don't people still have the power to say no? No to someone who doesn't want to know who you are, no to someone who only wants you as an orifice? None of us was raised this way - none of us was encouraged as children to only use others as playthings.

I have to say, thank you so much for this. I could never understand why after all these years being "clean" out of psychiatric care and being off the countless meds that I still get swings of true depression and anxiety. The article makes it so clear. Thank you!

I cannot read the article before I head to work. I am sure it will stir up emotions in me that I want time to process and release. I grew up in the 1970s and 1980s, back when we only dreamed of the level of acceptance you enjoy today. Even your summary of the article brings back thoughts and memories of how it was back then and what some of my friends went through. Some of us survived, others did not. I think the overall message we need to adopt and spread is one of support. It isn't enough to just stop the exclusionary language in dating profiles, we need to be visually and verbally supportive. Most guys I know will avoid eye contact with anyone who might be gay. OI, on the other hand, Give each person a smile and at least an acknowledgment. I am not flirting with them, I am just being friendly and letting them know that they matter as a human being. It also acknowledges that they aren't the only ones going through what we all go through. We need to consider other gay guys to be friends or comrades.

I'll send the article to my friend, he's having a hard time rn, I'm guessing that he's lonely but he's got me😌 Thanks zack

Yes, it' s called "age" gay men value youth and vitality more than anything else, they just do, they always have and probably always will!

The issues are quite complex. The part where the author cited a survey saying 90% of gay men want a tall, young, white, muscular, and masculine man is pretty much dead on. If you're in shape, successful, and over 40 you can forget about finding someone with the same characteristics. They all want 25 year olds. And all of the gay friends I have who talked and talked about having a family over the years; none of them actually did it. None.

It wasn't until university that I stopped feeling alone all the time. Even though I had some friends that loved me, most didn't know I was gay, and I didn't know anyone else that was gay, and that just isolated me so much. As you say, loneliness is super dangerous to most people (some like it, but definately not me). I have still to this day chronic stress just because of being in the closet and feeling alone for so long.

Another problem in the gay community is the growing divide between the haves and have nots. Prosperous gay men with professional careers tend to ignore and push aside poorer gay men who struggle paycheck to paycheck. This just adds to loneliness and anxiety issues.

I'm 60 years old, and I've been on my own (no sex, no relationship, and no gay friends) for the past 16 years. I live out in the country, and I'm terrified of driving into the city to find a gay bar because I don't know how to interact with other gay men anymore. At this point, I'm not really looking for a relationship, but I would like to have some friends. I just don't know how to go about it. I don't know what to do.

I read the whole thing! I had actually read this article a few weeks ago, and have been really meaning to find 'The Velvet Rage', which is where majority of these statistics and studies are made. I think it's super introspective to actually see the kind of community that we're in and the awful hierarchy that it imposes. Thank you for sharing this and helping people understand that in most cases - in the gay community - a lot of it is internal.

I'm married 5yrs and lonely at 29. My husband 12 years my senior has checked out. I've gone to all the counseling I can. I was in a bad car wreck a month ago and broke my back. I don't get a phone call a text, nothing. When he comes home if he comes home he's on his phone. I don't care who he's talking to, I just wish he would be there like I would for him if our roles were reversed.

The most meaningful piece of literature of which I have heard in decades .Thank you for sharing this work. I love you.

As a psychologist & psychotherapist (and also a human being) can I just say thankyou! I'm sure loads of people will benefit from this who would never have found or read that article. Your video came up in an online search for literature on police suicide, the "epidemic in blue" and I am so glad it did.

Thank you for this 😭!!!! I saw these signs happening in my own life and now I have a better understanding on why I feel the way I do. Thank you for sharing and caring about the community to make sure the word gets out. You may have possibly saved my life. 💙

Very in-depth and informative thanks so much for taking the time to do this❤

I remember reading that article a while ago after watching Ethan Hethcote talk about it. I read it and was like " yep, yep, yep, that's me, yep", just a long list, in precise details, of why it sucks to be gay and why I really wish I wasn't. After reading it, I felt awful. Like "Your life is shit? It's because you're gay! And there's no solutions. Good luck surviving! ;)". I got anxiety, then, of course, depression hit me with it's mace. I'm never reading that thing ever again for my own sake. Just thinking about it makes me sad.

Can I just say how sick and tired I am of hearing about how easy it is to be addicted to drugs, alcohol, toxic men, hookups and Grindr???!!! And to hear about all of these startling statistics is very depressing

I was looking for images about being gay and ugly, because I'm feeling like trash righ now, but somehow I ended up finding this video and the article you mentioned and it was kind of a relief. It's not like I find joy in knowing that there are tons of people out there suffering, but I think is good to be aware of the reasons behind all this suffering. Thank you so much, you're the kind of people we need in lgtbq+ community.

I tried for many years to date and find someone... most of this happened before social media existed. It's really difficult. It just doesn't happen for everyone. I've felt defeated that men tell me I'm too fat to go out with, even when I was young and pretty and was 5'11" and weighed 175 pounds. Today, I'm 55, 40 pounds overweight, and have just given up on myself. I figure what hope do I have now? I at least have my mother and brother close by, and my best friend. I picture myself 20 years from now, just sitting alone in my chair, waiting to die. Pretty much all I do now for entertainment is to immerse myself in nostalgia and live in the past, watch videos and shows from the 70's, when I was a kid... and think of better times.

The vast majority of gay men approach a relationship asking "what do I get out of it" and not "what do I bring to it" ..... and have the attitude "I will do whatever I want to do with whomever I want to" and not "does what I do make the "us" grow stronger or send the message that I don't really care about you". Loving someone is all about "giving love" to the other person. Yes, it has to be mutual. In a healthy relationship, two people meet in the middle of the bridge and neither should ever go further than half way.

I commend you for making this video. People definitely need to start looking at these issues.

This got way too relatable for me at 10:57. Damn.

Thank you for sharing this with us. It's really something to learn so much about who you are, as an individual and as a community, and why you are the way you are, just when you'd thought maybe you'd almost figured it all out.

hi I just read the article... if I'm being real to me it was both intriguing yet triggering... this maybe a bit embarrassing but I felt myself started breathing harder and anxiety levels increase while reading it... Imma give my story... bit lengthy to bear with me I'm a black guy, been put into the category of being a "nerd" from primary and tbh I'm 33 at the point of writing this and still can't shake that nerd persona (if that is the right term) however my classmates would basically bully me and made my life hell simply because I was taller than the average kid at my age, skinny, wears glasses and not operating fully like the average boy in my class would operate. fast forward to junior high, puberty now starting to kick in, body and feelings began to change. feelings the boys were saying they had towards the girls in the school I was having for another boy and had no clue why. I remembered in primary school there was this girl I really liked but she hated my guts... infact she used to go around the boys that look to beat the crap out of me, so I felt it strange... wasn't feeling that way before so why am I feeling it now? I was born and still living in a preacher's house (both parents homophobic), grew up in a homophobic ghetto neighborhood that talks stuff like "fire for them" "gunshot for them" etc... so as early as that I thought something was wrong with me but I absolutely couldn't tell any one... senior year the boys in my class started noticing ways in which I was different from the rest and my bullying basically doubled... once for being classed as a nerd and twice for being suspected to be gay... naturally I would have denied it, even cussed at them when they raised accusations. there were 2 girls in my class and I used to flirt with her and more or less harass her you can can say to "show I'm interested in girls" but since I wasn't and had no experience it was awkward and annoying to her which lead her to hate my guts back then (I do regret that with her alot and thinking maybe one day I should let her know the truth and apologize cuz damn I was a pest to her) forwarding to final exam, we wrote it in a mall where there was an internet Cafe and a classmate showed me a website that's closed down now to see nude photos... there were 3 options... (men only, women only or both) he had it on both and I was having a greater reaction when the pics of men showed up. naturally I couldn't say a word so later that week I visited an internet Cafe, found a corner booth, clicked the men only option and there was no going back. forward to the working world it wasn't that different than school they may not have been beating on me like in school days but constant undermine simply because I don't move as whats know as "traditionally manly" was indeed a mental strain... started engaging in behaviors like drinking,smoking cigarettes, weed, cruising gay Chattooga and sites for lots of sex and had no clue why and was unhappy and felt quite lonesome... then in 2011 i discovered karaoke and I realized that they're were people that were straight hanging out with openly gay people knocking glasses, rubbing shoulders and if anyone dares step to the gays they straights would rise in their defense which was a complete shock to me cause I used to see it as this this big war gays vs straights and I was confused, but thanks to that I started opening up to people selectively and thank almost all I chose to let in on my life reacted positively I'm currently employed in the fire dpt, I'm out to only 7 individuals in my entire fire house and those 7 are split into 4 shifts. the toxic masculinity, the homophobia is definitely strong in that paramilitary organization. sometimes I would be subjected to undermine because I'm starting to care less of what they think and putting less effort in trying to stand a certain way or watching the position of my hands or paying attention to my tone of voice. I would admit it frustrates me alot sometimes but when I'm around one of the 7 it makes my life hell of easier... so yes that's basically my story... I know I said ALOT and despite the progress I made thus far, haven't told my parents yet... mainly cause I'm anticipating being disowned in the end and that would be a serious blow... this is my current level... don't know how far I'd be in the future but buddy thanks for this video and posting the article link. stay blessed

i feel a lot of this and i'm a bisexual girl. i get rejected from straight and gay people pretty equally. i went to a very liberal women's college, and though it was a lot more diverse and accepting than 'the real world', bi people were still sparse and there was a huge biphobia problem, mostly from lesbian classmates. it's real lonely when people immediately write you off as indecisive, greedy, slutty, etc., especially people you are supposed to share a community with. honestly i've just stopped telling people. if it comes up i don't lie, but i'm no longer going out of my way to come out to people. i've yet to be met with outright hostility, but the lowkey disappointment and confusion is just too much sometimes.

Many people on here are commenting on how the article didn't offer a solution or positive ending. In my own life I'm rapidly coming to the conclusion that to avoid the mental issues described in the video I have to achieve self actualization through passions that drive me and forget about the dating apps, inconsistent men and the ever growing requirements just to audition to go on a date or a hookup.

I dont know, I know so many straight guys with the same issues. Straight men using drugs and sex to fill some kind of void!

So many of the points you touched on ring true, I agree - everyone must go read the article. When I was growing up in the 80's the only books I had access to that addressed homosexually were Encyclopedia Britannica and... the Bible! Thank god for the internet.

I wished I had youtube when I was a teen, thanks for sharing Zack and will definitely read. From what you have stated on the video I think most of us relate! Again though young ones today are so lucky to have youtube and great people like yourself and many others.

Definitely a good read. I think loneliness coupled with a lack of self-worth within the gay community definitely contributed to my heavy drinking and some of the other pitfalls mentioned in this article. But I think understanding who I am has helped me get out of that rut.

Be the change you want to see

As a gay Asian male I’ve experienced racism, toxicity, prejudice, and discrimination from gays more than anyone else. Constantly being told “not into Asians” gets to you after a while. And that’s not even from trying to hook up - even from attempts of dialogue or friendship, I’m always reduced to my physicality. I’m tall and slender, I guess I’m “masc” in the sense that I don’t behave the norm. It’s still never good enough. I’m never tall enough (despite being 5’10), not young enough, too old, not muscular enough, not twink enough, etc. The gay community is negative I’ve learned. For a community that preaches love and tolerance, they sure are hypocrites. I never had gay friends, so I’ve always longed for that connection and belonging. I’ve never received it after all these years. I apologize if this sounds depressing or negative - I’m just venting my real life problems that I face.

Thank so much for doing this video. You have no idea how many guys you’re helping ❤️

Great video! I felt like on a psychiatric evaluatiion but as a gay man it helped me a lot. I came out to my family and friends etc. but this video helped me to realise that I´m not alone in this battle. It´s a long way and a painful way but I´m so thankful to get some support here! BTW If you are having hard times, GET HELP, by a friend, psychiatrist or whatever. All the best!

Hi im 17 and gay. Came out last year and I`ve felt myself getting more depressed and angcious about finding love. I`ve allways wanted a highschool crush but cant seem to find other gays in my area. I get even more depressed by the thought of what will never be with my straight guy crushes. IT breaks my heart.

this was eye-opening for me. I wish there was someone I could share this with, but for now I'll save it for a time when someone I know needs it.

I watched this video 5 years ago...and here I am again :/

Phew!! This was awesome it's been o er a year since hou did this and I just found it on my home page.....

I'm 15 and I realised that I am gay. I want to not care and say to myself that eveything is going to be fine but I doupt it. Most of the biased kids in school think that being gay is a choice and that gay people suck. Heck even my friends believe that too, but I don't want to say anything because then everyone will hate me. It sucks.

Thanks for this. I don't think many people look at the psychological damage of growing up gay. You're basically abandoned by the tribe. Think of a baby elephant that gats left behind by the herd. You live your life constantly in survival mode.

In my City there are guys that have been on Grindr with the same pics and profiles for over a decade now, its really sad. Its almost like theyve dropped into a coma on auto. I want to do a PSA about cruising addiction and the gay lonliness epidemic like it was the March 2020 World lockdown but at this point theyve been Body Snatched, they talk about "Community" but what they really mean is 'the next fix'. Straight men have booze, we have sex and sociopathic behaviour.