also side comment but i really want to be friends with everyone in this comment section wth how is everyone so generous and kind and similar to an unhealthy level 😭😭😭
It would be so cool if we had some kind of community place to talk to each other, but maybe that would be too exhausing to manage. I guess youtube comments it is...
I'm only 17, but I feel the same way. I've never dated anyone, never held hands (in a romantic sense). I am very glad that I am not the only one who is the same as me.♥️
Don’t worry you are still very young though. I’m sure one day you will slowly find the right partner for you:3 I’m 21 but still no partner. I’m still happy
A lot of people feel the same way. it is shocking how many are afraid to love but at times you do need to take a chance if you feel something towards a person.
The problem with that is you could take a chance and get hurt again even if the person feels the same way they could reject you from also fear of intimacy ive been there it's a hard one
@@abbz23 in those situations it is best to talk it through, if that person feels the same way then it might be easier to work it out if you both try to understand and take it slow.
@@abbz23 everyone deserves a chance with love. and if you never take the chance then you have to live with the “what ifs” or regrets which is worse to me imo
She is me basically, I want love and i want to love as long as it's all in my head. After one year of basically ghosting people and feeling an enormous amount of guilt about it. I finally even stopped talking to guys altogether. I can't carry the burden of being a toxic person anymore. I never wanted to hurt anyone but i really can't push myself any further to be close to someone. Until I let go of my fears, I won't try to reach for anyone's hands.
If one of those guys still wanted to be with you after you pushed them away what’s your advice to make you comfortable? Should they check in every few months to see how you’re doing?
@@henryzhao4622 A lot of the guys that I rejected, since I wasn't ready and still trying to fix my red flags, respect my boundaries, and stop. I hope they will find luck in their love journey and find a girl who is ready and has the capacity to love them. However, I do proposition if the guy is willing to be a friend first and see my true self first without any expectation of love, then decide if they actually do want a relationship with me or was it just a crush. As she said in the video, I already know what is gonna go wrong so why even pursue it? Of course, this is a ridiculous ask and no guy who respects themselves is willing to agree to this, aka, me asking them this is already the first step into my red flags.
If someone ghosts you, they've essentially made it obvious they don't want to talk to you, for better or for worse. Just move on as a form of self-respect; it's better for you. It's also better for them because they won't feel pressured into talking to you or uncomfortable that you're persistent. Said by someone who used to ask the same questions as you and learned that it's mostly better to move on. Here's hoping you can find someone who suits you in the future homie@@henryzhao4622
@@henryzhao4622 I know this question is not directed to me and this may sound toxic but Yes. Checking in every few months let's me know that you still believe in me... in us. It lets me know that you see something good and special behind all the fear. I also hate having to ghost guys that I actually do like because I fear being vulnerable which is something I seriously need to work on because I might be pushing away amazing guys. The problem is how long is it going to take for me to finally be open to giving love a chance... it's kinda scary.
I just had this conversation with my sister. And girl same, I’m so afraid of being vulnerable that it outweighs the want of being in a relationship. With friends you can just choose to share good times, a little bit of your problems too and once you go home you’re on your own they don’t know what happens beyond those walls. That is what scares me from having an intimate relationship with someone. It’s because that person will breakthrough this surface that you’ve put up yourself. And goes beyond the walls of who you are at home, what you are like with your family, what type of family you have. Your trauma with them, the deepest darkest things you keep to yourself that you are not proud of. And I’m just not comfortable with sharing that with someone. And I feel like not sharing that with that someone just to fill the need to be in a relationship is unfair.
I feel that, and really, it takes so much bravery to share those things with a potential partner and in part a readiness to be okay with them not accepting you too. I can tell you though that if the right person does come around they will listen to you and make your darkest things feel no greater part of you than a single hair strand.
as a person who loves to idealize a person and their head and fantasize a whole ass series off of them 🤡 i love this video sm ^^ thank u for sharing it, via
I do this and my problem is that I always like people who I know wouldn’t go for me and that in itself is a problem, because maybe they would. Then I don’t even try to get their attention or get to know them at all.
It’s crazy how we’re honestly the same person. I have the same attachment style and it’s comforting to know that there’s someone out there that relates to how I feel. It’s like I want love and relationships, but I’m also scared of showing everything (like you said, those happy emotions are not always consistent) and I get scared when people actually want to hang out and talk to me. It’s a complicated feeling.
“Our friends are not our caretakers and they won’t treat us in the same way” was the most freeing thing to hear that I never thought about. It’s an incredibly positive thought that is melding into my brain.
Welli'm glad it is giveing you an relief but I think that you can bea caregiver to your friend and wice wersa but it has different rythym of caregiveing than in a reletionship
I have never seen something more relatable, I am 18 and I have seen people all around me getting into relationships, but I just have this view on Love that its a really serious thing, its beyond beautiful and can't be taken lightly. And there is this fear of getting hurt by it cause it has such deep importance to me. I want to be mature enough before getting into any relationship, but its still very scary if things just don't go well and I end up getting hurt, its complicated fr.
I'm 25 and I feel you too. I been in a sort of relationship once and ended badly . It really hurt me deeply and I'm afraid to be vulnerable again 😢 I hope we both heal and find real love one day ❤
Girlie, im 18 rn (19 in a month tho aaaahhh) and i know exactly how ur feeling. Like sometimes i would have the feeling of wanting to be some one but than the other day im like "nah" because what is the point of being one if it almost always ends up in a break up and hurting me. Because bro love is also something really deep for me and I don't wanna risk it for that reason. Probs the reason why ive never been in a relationship ahahahah. But yeah ur not alone
it really feels like a chore to keep the relationships I have with my friends, and I know that if I dated someone it would be even more difficult because there’s the whole trust aspect, plus I get jealous easily
Honestly I was kinda surprised when YT recommended me this video. Because this resonates so much with me and I couldn't explain it properly. I have some other issues, but basically in the end, I feel the same way about this as you. I don't want to be vulnerable, I am terrified of opening myself up and getting hurt, or being told that I'm too difficult to deal with and I'm a bother. I'm 24 y.o. girl, a virgin, had only one relationship that ended after half a year. I feel like an alien whenever I try to explain how I view this topic with friends, that are more normal and with someone.
I’m 22, fearful avoidant, and no one has said how I feel towards friendships and relationships until you. I love romance but I feel so skeptical of it and at the first hint of feels, I genuinely want to run away. Expectations of how I should be based on how “extra” I act keeps me up at night. Thank you I feel so validated. I sometimes get so frustrated with how contradictory I can be, being scared of intimacy, but also wanting to be loved so bad and I constantly wonder if anyone else is as neurotic as me❤️
I am precisely the same; how I see it, it's all about self-love. Developing a strong bond with yourself, knowing that you got yourself regardless of how much people may hurt you. It is nice to know there are people there for you but nothing beats loving yourself despite your fears and insecurities, because not many people will do that, only you can give yourself what you truly need. Cultivating acceptance, patience, and compassion within yourself will eventually reflect on your relationships
I feel completely they same. I’m 22 now. Have had this problem all my life with avoiding people when things might get serious… imagining them in my head but not giving them a chance in real life to get to know them. I always think of the worst even before I try because I know I’ll get hurt in the end, so I might as well just end everything now. I focus too much on my own flaws to be able to believe that other people might like the “not perfect” me and I overperform a lot. So I reached a point where I’m almost lying to myself because I pretend to be this bubbly cheerful funny person in front of others, even when I’m not, or when I’m actually having a really hard time. I guess it comes with people-pleasing tendencies that I have. Probably the worst combo with fearful-avoidant attachment. Anyway, I’m glad to know I’m not the only one who feels the same❤️
Via, i don't even know how to sum up this fact but your journal entries and healing diaries have given me so much input and clarity to my own feelings its rather reliving. The fear of intimacy, feeling worthless, lonely even though one likes being alone but still wants people in their life, the need to start to live for myself, in all of these videos i could feel like i could see a part of myself being represented to the hundred thousands of people. By these videos you aren't just assuring people that they are not alone, but you are also helping people seek out their own journey and troubles with it. I believe the people who can relate are not looking for an answer when they watch your videos, it gives them context and so much clarity and analysis as to what problem they are in deep down. i hope soon enough one day you and thousands of us reach to a positive end on this journey :)))
Just gonna send this to her real quick since you put everything into words and I want her to understand why it's so hard for me to make a move. Thank you so much for this! I've been feeling so alone and confused all my life because I felt this way and no one around me had any problem with the fear of relationships. No one ever understood why I was so scared of something I craved so much. I just want to be loved, I want to hold her hand and cuddle and kiss and dance in the rain with her and do all this cheesy romantic stuff that you see in movies but I'm so scared of being vulnerable. I want to see her everyday, even if it's to just sit next to each other doing our own thing. We're both at the same uni and everytime I go on campus I can't help but look for her, even when I'm running late to class. I want to be with her so bad but I'm so scared, I'm so scared that if I let her in she'll see how effed up I am and run in the opposite direction. I'm so tired of being alone but I don't know how to not be
i can't believe that you literally described how i feel all my life. i always find hard to express my feelings and thoughts about being vulnerable and seeing that someone else is expressing what i feel really comforted me. i love listening your thoughts 🌷🤍
Becoming vulnerable is definitely a difficult process if you had a hard childhood. The best way to approach it is to work on your insecurities and to keep being vulnerable. Once you get comfortable in your own skin and accept who you are as person it becomes much easier to be open about who you are. Granted there are people who won't accept you that's fine nobody can please everyone. It's unfortunate that you had to experience an acquaintance flaking on you over THEIR idea. Take it as a leason of making sure to act in your own best interests instead of deferring to someone else.
This is exactly how I’ve been feeling for so many years! I am so grateful for this video. You’ve explained this so well. None of my friends understand why I so easily just block people (ik that’s so toxic…) But now this video and all these lovely people in the comments showed me that they struggle the same as me. I personally just want to protect myself this way. Been hurt very badly in the past and naturally I’ve built these walls around me. I think this is a very long journey. Learning how to get out of this and everyone’s path will be different. But ultimately the solution could be therapy for some, talking to the people around you (you’d be surprised to see how many different perspectives others can have), learning more about yourself trough self love (possibly achieved trough: alone dates in a cafe, self care routines, I strongly recommend meditation and walks, there are many good podcasts and books on that) and what in the end after you’ve worked on yourself will be the game changer is to “just” jump over this wall you’ve built around you. Risk it and trust someone. But this will only work if the other person is willing to listen to you and cooperate. If they give you time and actually what to help you trough this it’s all possible. This has been my problem too. My ex partner wasn’t willing to give me time at all. He didn’t understand that part of me which is also the okay. Not everyone will understand us but then this person isn’t for me. Just don’t give up and keep trying. As long as you’re doing something it’s already great💜
I think because of childhood truama and the envionment i grew up in i'm scared to be vulnerable with ppl , so i relate to that . Love you via hope your staying safe.
I'm a 23 female and I get you :( For me it doesn't help that all women in my family married/dated douchebags that took away beautiful parts of them, so, even if someone of my type showed up, I wouldn't feel comfident or comfortable with them for constantly being on defense. Thanks for sharing, best of wishes for you
What’s comforting to me is that I know someone exactly like you, and knowing her helps me understand you. It’s comforting that I get what you’re saying because I know someone so close to me that can relate to you.
I’m 21 and I’ve never felt more understood than right now by watching your video. I subscribed to your channel. Thanks for making feel understood and normal❤
This is really relatable for me. What is worst is that I am bad at communicating and articulating what I feel. Nice content and wish you a good rest of your day.
wait. why is this LITERALLY me. every single bit. every part. i'm so baffled but kind of happy that i know that someone exactly like this is out there... i really crave love but i'm afraid. i've also never dated. the vulnerability, the fear of wasting others' time and realizing you just like the idea of them but not actually them, the inability to trust, personal issues, the unrealistic standards... and the fear of change... all of that... same here. i'm aware of all of this as well... and i don't know where this manifested for me, but it's who i am.
Idk how you do it, but you always say the right words at the right moment.. You say things I unconsciously need to hear and it’s really comforting… By the way I discovered you channel a few days ago and some of your videos had already such a big impact on me it’s amazing 💌
That's so relatable!I have never dated before.There are times when you wish to have a partner but you just don't want to deal with all the drama like breakups etc.Thanks for sharing this,it obviously takes a lot of courage to do so.
I'm 29 this year, and I struggle a lot with wanting to run away when I feel very vulnerable in a relationship, and even avoid conflict because I don't know how to handle them and solve the issue confidently. It's common knowledge that when you are raised by parents with similar attachment styles and they do not parent you well, or they themselves are too occupied with the work/financial problems/marriage problems - they don't exactly teach you how the fuck to communicate in a relationship healthily/safely without feeling like you're losing your face or your low self esteem kicks in full swing and you ignore the other person. They don't tell you or SHOW YOU HOW TO TALK ABOUT ISSUES AS THE ADULTS THEY ARE. It fucking sucks - and it's happened constantly throughout my life and I didn't think it's an issue until recent few years and I know that it's not my fault, and I cannot blame myself entirely. I know too that I'm not my attachment style and poor upbringing. I'm trying to work on my self esteem and change the way I talk to myself, especially my inner child. I am so desperate to improve my self esteem and be less hard on myself that I ended up feeling down because IT'S SO HARD. :(
Also as an over thinker I realized, dating is just about enjoying one another’s company. We don’t have to make it this big deal or grand thing. It’s just caring about someone. Know your boundaries and stick to them but other than that, just learn how to love your partner even in their good and bad just like you would want someone to do for you.
I hope one day to get to this stage. I think for me (and the ppl I feel can relate in the comments), it’s hard to imagine someone overlooking your flaws enough to enjoy your company. It easy to be a pleaser when you’re insecure and want to be nice and kind and impressive to the other person, but then you’re projecting all your energy outward. You can’t accept love back or know how to love yourself bc it’s all out and not in. So then it would be one sided and not healthy - then it circles back to “why bother,” haha
@@milkflavoredyeah facts. I agree it is hard not to people please. Still in my relationship (1st one) and now that’s it’s been like 5 months my real self is coming out more. I’m starting to question myself. It’s not easy but there’s self growth from being in the relationship.
These videos give me so much comfort knowing that I am not the only one who goes through these types of experiences and feelings :)) Also, this feels like talking with an older sister!! Luvyaaa, Via!! 💛
This showed up after I got back from Psychology class.. we literally learned about the attachment styles today. You like me and so many people have the anxious (fearful) avoidant attachment style. Obviously I don't know you or your childhood, but the attachment styles form during childhood as a result of the emotional relationship you have with your caregiver(s). I know for me my dad was barely home and was indifferent towards my emotions and my mom would go from indifferent to caring and vice versa. Having such a relationship with your parents causes you to want to be accepted so bad you act how you think you will be accepted, aka people please, and also avoid getting too close as to not let people see YOU instead of the version of you that you broadcast. For me I avoided forming friendships until middle school and didn't feel comfortable opening up to those friends until Junior year of High School (6 years of friendship with most of them), and when I've been in relationships I'm more closed of about myself (which is why I've given up until I am healed enough through therapy). This attachment style isn't just from emotional abuse/neglect. Neurodivergent people in particular struggle with this at a higher rate due to Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria which causes the same attachment style even if you had a secure relationship with your parents; still needs therapy for it but it will function differently to an extent.
Literally same about everything you said. Thank you, I very much needed that validation. I'm 29 and two years into therapy and it's getting better a bit by tiny bit. I'm proud of you for being on this healing journey!
i discovered your channel last week and i just fell in love with your authenticity and how you can put all these thoughts into words, it feels so comforting knowing that a lot of us have these experiences and while some people fall into despair because of them, there are also people like you who can speak about these experiences openly, who can show acceptance or a journey to it. i relate so much to that anxious-avoidant attachment, this falling fast and deep into friendships and being hit by the reality later, that need for validation that comes from knowing someone you just met already likes you too, the borderline desperation mixed with moments of indifference when they hurt you or leave. or leaving them first because suddenly you just do not care enough due to certain circumstances. it really is interesting how we navigate this attachment style and how we still try to make long-lasting connections, we want that deep thing but it is also so scary - especially romance thank you for sharing your thoughts with us, hope you have an amazing week via
2:27 It's this self awareness that I have been working hard to fix. I use the fact that I know or at least think I know what is going to happen at the end so I don't try at all. This sort of avoidant style has invaded every part of my life to where it impacts simple day to day relationships. It all boils down to me protecting my peace wayyy too much TT_TT
I can relate to this so much. I'm 28 and I never dated and I always felt like I was afraid of love and vulnerability. Only recently I looked more into asexuality and aromanticism and learned that labels can be a tool to help explain things better to others and if they fit for now they fit and if it might change over time you shouldn't feel pressured to explain yourself to anyone. Plus it helped me to reflect "do I actually want a relationship or is it just the underlying expectation from society that I must get into one?" Which lifted a lot of weight off me and made me so much more content with who I am and how I live.
watching this is like looking in a mirror because everything you've said applies to me, it's as if you've written a script from my thoughts. i was recently diagnosed with BPD after a recent friendship breakup and I'm starting a therapy journey this week. it really is hard when you sit back and realize that you haven't always been this way but somehow at some point you ended up putting yourself in a box that no one can get into. and if someone does get inside, you do your best to prevent them from getting out. it really sucks knowing your issue and struggling to explain it to people or feeling like you can't fix it at all. hopefully things get better for everyone that feels this way
This is kinda the very reason I started therapy too. I just could not express myself and be vulnerable to people. I support you. Thank you so much for posting this , it feels very relatable ... Love you so much.
This made my heart so happy! I feel so seen so thank you, it’s always been so difficult to cope or understand where the issue lies bc this runs so deep under the surface. It’s hard to find people who you can relate to when you don’t even know how to let yourself get close enough to see that part of someone else. It can feel so lonely, and make you feel so broken, without much of a clue as to why. But I’m finally on the same journey of understanding as you are now and that’s such a big deal! Yay us! Thank you for this video. No words could describe how much this means to me.☺️
I struggle in a lot of similar aspects as well. One thing I constantly need to remind myself of is acceptance of myself and others for who we are. If I can't accept myself, how can I accept someone else? Confronting this is a super difficult task and maybe I'll never have a definitive appreciable answer but all I can do is try to improve and stay positive. Best of luck on your journey!!!
Okay I’m 5 minutes in and I can relate to all of these feelings you’re describing almost 100%. I can’t believe someone else is feeling the same way I do about love 😭❤️
thank you so much for this video. it resonanted so well me... some of your points really hit harder than I expected but it also got me "wow I'm not alone"
i'm Disorganized /Fearful-Avoidant. im 16 and i relate so so bad. communication, being vulnerable, fast attachment is something i need to deal better with. i remember being younger ( 1-6years ) and always crying, i always cried and the kids would call me a crybaby and make fun of me for it. i don't think that helped me . i haven't cried in front of anyone now, not even when my cats passed away, i do it in my room in secret. in relationships i'm always doubting, thinking they dont care about me as much as i care about them, being sus of their intentions, being attached to easily and putting them on a pedestal doesnt help either. i wish i was secure attachment style
EVERYTHING EVERYTHING you have described said is 200% me. I have always felt guilty for never committing through with a guy who wants to know me, I either push them away or automatically withdraw from them the second I see a sign I don’t like. Making friends is the same way, I crave attention but I don’t want to be with someone so close cuz of the vulnerability, I don’t like my friends to my have friends but me (possessive I know) and that’s just how I am. I have had a lot of childhood traumas too and tell myself maybe I’m too old to use that as an excuse anymore and need to change, which I do try my best. But these traumas are real, they don’t just go away, I wish there was an easy way out of it, but for now, it’s just comforting to know that someone out there feels exactly how I feel and she couldn’t have said anything better from what I want to say but can’t
OMG WHY IS THIS SO RELATABLE????? you just put my thoughts and fears in one video 😭 i feel a lot more free after knowing that i'm not the only one who has this kind of issues so thank you 💖 (but honestly sometimes i just think that i don't even deserve to be loved lmao)
oh my gosh the way i relate to every. single. thing you've said in this video. I literally just started crying bc it hits so close to home. As a fearful avoidant, im so bad at relationships that i've honestly given up on romantic love. If anything, I actually find love (aka people having feelings/interest in me) downright disgusting and I feel it down to my core. At this point, i'm really just looking for emotional connection in friends, which i struggle so much to find even until now (I'm turning 26). I literally feel so lonely...
im 20, never been in a relationship or went on a date or anything like that. while i do crave all of that stuff, its hard to imagine myself being romantic and all lovey dovey. i cringe at it and ik its so sad but the thought of calling someone babe or being really nice to them in a lovey way seems so weird to me. its also cause I'm afraid that they don't really like me like that. i didn't grow up hugging my parents/siblings or showing any signs of affection. when I'm talking to guys (usually via online hehe), i sometimes find myself bantering with them in a teasing way and cant seem to get past that "stage". i'm currently forcing myself to try to show more affection over text...i can only imagine how hard its gonna be in real life.
Your going to have bad dates this isn't a k drama where everything is all sparkles your not going to find the right person first try that's like someone saying hey fly this plane when you have no experience flying one. You have to date because your going to build up the story in your head not only are you going to be disappointed but you might waste so much time that you could have been earning experience. Figure out a hobby you enjoy find a guy that likes that same hobby say you want to hang out to A. do that hobby together. Maybe feeling with happen then go from there its not rocket science. People like attractive people wear cute clothes, exercise, do skincare imagine who you want to be and work towards that person it might take a year maybe two but you have to work towards the better you.
Thank you so much for speaking about this in such an open way. Dealing with these kinds of insecurities and struggles can feel so isolating, especially if you're introverted. But knowing I'm not alone in feeling this way gives me hope❤
struggling with this for a few years now but it had gotten worse for the past year because i drastically lost a lot of my very close friends. it took a HUGE toll on me because i was the complete opposite growing up. i used to be very open, very expressive. i love communicating things out, very cheerful, friendly, a social buttefly who would bring people together, who would be the one who initiates hang outs and introduce everyone to each other but now whenever i meet new people, i become sooo socially awkward. it’s like i’m not myself when i’m in those moments. something that used to be natural to me, now became something i struggle a lot with and it could be something as simple as just socialising. i used to be that bright kid that teachers couldn’t handle and changing my seat in class would do nothing but now i avoid people wanting to get close to me (eventho deep down i wanna be closer to them too). i avoid people so much that i’m now known as someone who is “always alone” when just 2 years ago, i couldn’t even go to the toilet alone at school. physical touch was my number 1 love language among my friends and im very known for that, but now i never initiate them or just limit them. like you said, things didnt end well when you actually opened up to someone and thats when you developed this avoidant attachment style. and in my case, it’s just so heartbreaking to me because eventho it could just be that i was not compatible with my old friends, i lost too many at once (ranging from 6-11 years worth of friendships) to take it positively. so now i just have this fear that everyone will leave me anyway or that they will hate me when they see the real me so might as well keep everything to myself when things get difficult. i was labeled oversensitive, always seen as someone who makes a big deal out of nothing, and i admit, i got upset over little things a lot back then but now i really am clueless as to what decree is something deemed trivial that i end up keeping everything to myself, even the unacceptable “actual big deal”. i just learn to live with it atp. i’m scared of forming bonds, i’m scared of initiating healthy communication because it has been misunderstood a lot so i just don’t bother to connect anymore. but deep down, i crave it so much. i crave being vulnerable and i know i should fix it somehow because it’s slowly destroying me but i’ve also learned to enjoy being alone so i got something out of it as well. i really dont know what to do but one thing for sure is that this wall is going to be a tough one to break
When you talk about your attachement style, that really speaks to me, getting attached super fast to people and then slowly discovering that you don't align as well . Also, it's an exhausting thing to live because everytime you get attached to someone and they leave after some time after you openning up a little bit, you have to go through the "talking stage " of friendship or romantic relationship again. I guess it's one of the reasons why with time I don't try that much to open up to people or to create genuine relationships because I know that the pain on creating new connections and going through the same process over and over again is draining. Plus the vulnerability of openning up is pretty scary yeah :) On another note, I'm really loving this series and I hope it helps you on some level too ! Thanks a lot for sharing raw thoughts like that, it's precious. And for anyone reading this, if you relate, it is ok, take your time and you will end up finding a path that fits you
I used to be a fearful avoidant and my current bf used to be an anxious preoccupied. Having traditional asian parents and also being bullied for a chunk of my primary and high school years made me a hopeless romantic but also be very critical of any potential partners and feeling suffocated at the thought of committing. Honestly, it saved me from the trauma of having toxic relationships like my friends did, but I also had to do a lot of work to separate reality from doubt when I decided to enter my first relationship because in my head I knew he was a literal walking green flag. He is a literal saint and taught me how unconditional love feels. When something bothered either of us he made sure I felt safe and loved. He also gave me the space I needed when I felt triggered and allowed me to work on accepting expressions of affection (ofc, communication and reassurance on both sides were key). Some of the things I learned in growing to have a stable attachment style with my first and current bf is: - The right person won't necessarily give you feelings of infatuation. - You will have doubts during the first few weeks and months of the relationship. - You will need to work on appreciating the now and letting go of worries and doubts. - You will need to accept the fact that you cannot know the future and learn to be okay with that. - You will need to work on communicating your worries and reassuring yourself. - The right person will work on growing with you. - The right person won't necesarily be the most physically attractive, have the same hobbies, like the same music, have the same personality/ interests etc. They will, however, share your values and accept you as you are. - The right person won't withhold or reward you wih affection based on your performance as a partner. - The right person will just want to have fun with you.
I'm shocked that you feel that way because I've felt that my whole life for the same reasons as you and I always believe and was made to believe that I felt that way because I was too weird and that I was just heartless for no reason. It is amazing that there are other people out there that feel the same way... I don't feel alone anymore thank you!
I relate greatly. I also tend to overthink quite a bit. But something that stood out to me was, you say you don't want to label yourself, yet you label yourself as avoidant. Rather that avoiding labels all together, what has worked for me is being aware of how I am consciously/unconsciously labeling myself, and picking what I want and then challenge my assumptions of the ones I don't want. After all, labels don't even have to be permanent. When you are born you are a baby, then you become a child, then teenager, adult, etc. To me, those are labels aswell. Realizing that has helped me inmensely. What if you're not really avoidant? What if you just have, for example, PTSD of being hurt in the past? I used to label myself as introverted quite a bit, but realized I actually crave social interaction, but was feeling drained because those interactions were surface level. So, watch out for the labels you subtly give yourself!!
I hope you know that even if you feel like there's not a lot to learn from you and that you still have a long way to go, you're still inspiring. Even if you feel like you're not entitled to give advice on something you're still working on, posting these videos on the internet for people to see and feel understood, is very very helpful. Therapy for me is still a hard topic to think about, but content like this makes me realize that there's people out there who have similar experiences, values and insecurities, and that everyone deserves to feel heard no matter what the issues are
I just came across your channel a few days ago. I am just like you. People misunderstand me as well. I am very introverted myself so I feel what you feel. In the past I have tried to act like other people to be noticed. It doesn't work. You just have to be your self and not like anybody else. Like your videos. I can relate.😊
hearing this helps me so much. I always love listening to people where I can relate and meet others emotionally even if I'm not really present. It helps me to know I'm not alone :) good luck on the way everyone reading this
i'm 16 and i also have an avoidant fearful attachment style. before i discovered anything about attachment styles and how they affect your relationships, i became best friends with this one girl who we can call Chloe. Chloe and I got along pretty well but she was the COMPLETE opposite of me when it came to friendships. when i become friends with someone, i usually always have 1 foot out the doo because i just don't want to experience the potential hurt that could come from any relationship. but she was so invested in the friendship. and not just ours but all friendships. she also was very comfortable with being very open and vulnerable and wanted the same from me but i just couldn't do it. i eventually told her i didn't think we should continue the friendship. it really sucks because i feel like i treated her badly but not intentionally, i just didn't understand how you can just trust someone like completely. the worst part is that i'm the kind of person who want deep proper friendships. i don't want to have so many friends who i'm not that close with. that's just to shallow for me.
Wow, you describe me to a T. I'm 23 and I always perform such silly complex mental gymnastics to talk myself out of pursuing anything with someone I like. Even though I'm lonely, and want to love and be loved so badly. But the idea of being perceived deeply, and of someone seeing me in a vulnerable and flawed state, is just too scary. I would struggle to accept the love and I don't want to hurt someone with that.
Damn.. I realize how much my FA friend adores me. he would show me vulnerable sides and quickly hides again and repeat. He is reaching out so hard to me and I didn't even notice. He even said to me once "thank you for letting me be a coward". Thank you for showing me their POV.
I'm similar to you in many ways that's why I'm so drawn to this channel. You're honestly like a 5 year older version of myself. I'm in therapy but I have so many issues that I'm too scared to talk about that I only talk about 1/4 of my problems. The way I was brought up as a kid makes me want to i guess "rebel" from everything my parents want me to be, and it's all part of the mental breakdown I've been struggling with for the past 4 years.
I'm 24. Everytime people ask me why I'm NBSB, I show them this video. You basically put the words into my mouth. Years of trying to figure out how I'm gonna explain this is finally solved. Thank you!
2:50 this!!! I’ve learned that if I want to attract the love that I want. I need to become the love that I want. I had to fight that avoidant in me to become a really good friend and I’ve been able to open up to this one girl in particular who has taught me that love can be safe. She has inspired me to make more genuine friendships. Although I do still struggle with showing love to some people, especially if they don’t visibly show me that they love me or if they aren’t consistent with showing their love (I’m someone who needs a lot of assurance). But I need to learn how to love unconditionally even if it hurts.
girl I cant avoid commenting but I do am facing the same problems now I am currently feeling very depressing wanting if at least 1 person would have sincerely asked whether I am okay . M family only care for my marks, basic helping hand and also as a future money transaction bank .Siblings- ,father-daughter and mother-daughter relationship is just a showcasing performance in my family.😶🌫😶🌫😶🌫😶🌫😶🌫 But I really hope to see a therapist but as in India here there is no emotional sickness. No one cares about it and if I ask to see a therapist they would be saying it is useless and is a waste of money ,it is better talking to your family. Otherwise the society would think you as a mentally disabled person and would destroy our name.😔😔😔😔😔😔
That really helped me understand how I lived. The way you worded it was very clear, and truly put the words on how I felt. So I know it's really hard but I believe it's possible to heal from that and become better at communicating, sometimes you have to get past your fears to improve and it's going to be scary asf but in the end it's worth it. This was released a year ago so, I hope you're doing better, and managed to become who you wanted to be ❤
20 sum here, and I am not even sure if I have ever truly loved someone, because I question everything, and I am scared of loving someone, for the fear of hurting them or myself, but at the same time craving some affection. Romantic gestures makes me feel anxious, and physical touch is such a scary monster that I can't just be okay with.
I just found this channel and this is already the 5th video I’ve watched, I feel so alike to you and I love listening to you talk these things out with the viewers and yourself ❤
I feel like for me personally everytime I start to finally feel stable and secure in a friendship, things always go south. And I've come to realize it's kind of what you were talking about, that like "mask." I feel that had a lot of what to do, I was wayy too nice, too kind to the detriment of me and my priorities. I think this is because I think I always wanted that best friend, that ride or die friend. Now I understand why things always fizzled because I realize I basically gaslit myself into thinking the friendships weren't onesided (not heavily but where and when it mattered yk?) since I was scared because if not with them, where do I go? Sometimes the way we meet the people we need to meet we have to get out of our comfort zone, especially if we attract a certain group of people. Also Via I think you would really like jungian psychology because it covers some of the things you were talking about in this video ^^!
Oh My god! I feel so attacked that someone has just opened my this side but at the same time I also felt a sense of relief to know it more, the fear of love is so real idk. Thankyou so much for this series, it is like a safe space for me now(ಥ _ ಥ)
I’ve been loving these videos (both the journal entries and the healing diaries). I’m glad that there’s someone I can relate to. I’m afraid of being vulnerable, even with friends, because of the fear of being judged. I think it’s because of unhealed trauma from my childhood, so I grew up being quiet and reserved. Even when I do open up to someone I trust, I will regret it. I know it’s bad, but I tend to overthink everything. I think that’s what makes it hard to talk to people, and being vulnerable with them. It’s something that I need to work on. Thank you for making this video, and I’ll be looking forward to your next one! 🫶🏼
Never thought this video would be so special to me. You hit every single point right. And while you were talking I was thinking. The only kind of people that can save us is a patient one. Patience is a gift. Kindness is a gift. Not many appreciate them. A patient person can take us were we know we want to go but can´t reach it alone. Hope for the best for you and the comment section.
Your video really helped me understand why my boyfriend (whos avoidant too) acts the way he does. I always felt personally attacked by him not letting me in his heart and him blocking off my love but now I understand what the problem might be. I am going to talk to him about this and help him work through this if hes ready to work on it. Thank you so much for sharing your own experience and feelings ♡
this video wrapped up all my thoughts about vulnerability in one video. I've been in relationships before and I feel as if I've ruined every single one of them. I feel like as soon as I start to feel like I'm able to finally put my walls down and open up, I scare people with how intense my true self/history has been. The worst part is every time I've ever been vulnerable people take that opportunity to hurt me. Then I become very defensive and completely recede. I've realized in my most recent relationships that I've become a cold wall. I can't bring myself to even open up anymore. I feel like I simulate all the aspects of loving someone but it's not real because even tho I love them mentally, I'm not there emotionally.
I just recently stopped going to therapy because I thought I knew myself and then I got a “new” diagnosis from my psychiatrist and it really opened my eyes. I’ve been avoiding watching this video because I knew I wasn’t ready to hear truths of how I really feel, I struggle with opening up and articulating my emotions but this is exactly how my brain works. After getting diagnosed I did not handle it well, and I thought that I was crazy but it all boils down to that we all feel this sense of longing and connection but it’s so important to remember that you should love yourself too before being quick to give someone else that love. You DESERVE love and if it’s not coming from an outside source you should be wanting to give it to yourself ❤ thank you for the lovely video
Thank you for this. I've loved (not necessarily romantically either) people who struggle with this, and I tend to be the opposite (I fear being always abandoned and bothering other people but can't help but cling because of it) and as I've worked on my issues, I've found that understanding can help others understand, and so I find value especially in seeking understanding of what is opposite of me.
