I knew I did not want to have kids at 6 and as a 34 year old married woman nothing has changed. Me and my husband are not having kids and its surprising how society thinks our actions are an attack on their choices.
Oh and don't forget people think your selfish if you don't want kids or chose an alternative route if you can't have kids. People (espically the elderly) are in peoples (more so womens) reproductive system way to much.
I never wanted them, then I got surprised in 2016 with my son .. but I have to say looking back that I think having kids was the only thing that was going to teach me some things that I desperately needed to learn, so it definitely didn't ruin my life. Definitely changed the landscape in ways I don't always love but I think the overall net change was a positive one 😊
@Devil's Logic true but I don't really care at this point 😂. Me personally anyway. I both wish I had been more careful in 2016 and am grateful things happened as they did... Those sentiments can exist simultaneously and I don't care if I'm judged ☺️
When my husband and I first got together we both agreed when we started having kids to put each other first. We saw a lot of our friends put the kids first and their relationship inevitability crumbled. My two cents.
I have to thank you guys so much for this kind of videos, especially Lisa's 😉 I'm 30 and my man and I recently made it official that we don't want kids (we've been together for over 13 years). When I wasn't sure whether or not I wanted kids, I was feeling a lot of pressure from people around me to say yes to motherhood. Now that my mind is made up I feel SO MUCH BETTER! Thank you for helping me make this choice and discussing its consequences. You are the best.
I was about 12 when I decided I didn't want kids. I had no desire and no maternal instinct. My parents never pressured me into having kids, if they had I wouldn't of changed my mind. I'm 55 years and I'm so glad I chose this path. Life is great.
I love my siblings' kids, but sometimes those kids ARE a challenge, and I'm glad I'm not responsible for them. Being their parent would bring out my anger. Their hyperactivity, their egos, their selfishness, their temper tantrums would grate on my nerves if full-time.
My younger brother has cerebral palsy and an intellectual disability and I love him greatly but I don’t wish his or my suffering on other human beings except my worse enemy of course
Funny to think that we are always asked « what if you regret not having kids ? » and never « what if you regret HAVING THEM » ? If you don’t know if you want kids, you probably shouldn’t have any. And live a very happy life too.
@@LovelyDay11hmmm, as someone who works in the foster care and adoption world, I must say I do not believe this is true. There are thousands of neglected and abused children, born to people that regretted having them. Also, thousands of grandparents caring for children to keep them from being in a group home… this is world wide too, not just a Western issue.
The problem discussing this, is that you never now how you are gonna feel later. A lot of people are affraid of beeing alone in the end, and think kids will help this. Plus kids can be really crazy fun, almost like a second youth. Its a hard choice. Money can also be important, and i believe where you are in world also greatly matters. In Amsterdam, where im from, i always got the feeling everybody hates kids, specially when going out. The opposite is Greece, where everybody loves kids and take them with them when going out in the evening. In Greece family is just a big thing. So if you are 40+ and want kids, come to Greece lol
If you want second youth from having kids, I think there are many ways to get involved, for instance, be a volunteer at orphanage /church, frosting a kid, etc.
NOTHING guarantees you not being alone in old age. Here in the United States, nursing homes are filled with people with children. What people don't think about is that your kids will have to survive too. Let's get real. For this generation coming up, water is not a guarantee...WATER! These babies in 20-30 years will have to meet their own basic needs and then we expect them to take care of us too? That, in my opinion, is selfish.
You can’t have children for the purpose of caretaking at the end of your life. They have their own lives to pursue. We all have to figure our old age out. And we all die anyway.
Yeah having kids to not be alone is not a good reason. We are born one we die alone. Plus like someone says the same kids you get may not want to deal with you and put you in a home.
People get so defensive and start talking about having kids for caretakers, the point is, having kids and grandkids will give your life meaning and value, it's like a front row seat to a reality show until your last breath. Sure you can always say it's not guaranteed your kids want to be involved, but if you have many you will increase the odds. And i'd say the best reward for many is having little kids around in old age, if you remained childless that's not going to happen, and you´re probably not going to be doing all the cool stuff you did in your 40s either.
Everything costs something. It's interesting hearing her talking about being able to witness her husband's growth a d milestones at work. That's how most parents feel about their child's milestones and growth.
that's the terrifying yet so liberating truth: it is just cultural programming! bingo! we don't have to play along! I sooo love Tom's approach: this is MY life! period.
I really wish you both spoke more on how so much of having kids falls on women in hetero relationships. The only reason why I’ve decided to not plan on having kids is because I don’t think I will find a partner who will be a good father in my eyes. It’s more important to me that I bring kids into this world with proper support culturally (and statistically) I don’t feel like the burdens on my career, my life, etc will be shared equally no matter how choosy I am with a partner. That’s not to say men are at fault for this. It’s a cultural issue imo that most cultures share. Good fathers and equal partners are hard to find.
good women are even harder to find.. most dont even know how to boil an egg these days and are more interested showing their ass on instagram then doing their womanly duties
Actuarial data estimates it to cost between $250,000-$300,000 *per child* to raise a kid to the age of 18. That does *not include college* or forecast for the inevitable economic support they will need into adulthood because capitalism means nobody lives fully on their own at 18. Even if one accepts these realities, the best of planning still cannot predict whether your intent to create ONE child will result in multiples- even larger multiples than twins. So one's quest to give their daughter a little brother could suddenly mean going from a family of three to a family of seven. It also *does not include chronic health conditions, disabilities, or catastrophic injuries and illnesses.* For people that have children with severe mental and physical conditions like autism, Down's Syndrome, lung and heart defects, etc. this cost-per-child can be in the millions. Most of these things aren't even known until a woman is in her third trimester, which is when legal options to terminate are mostly nonexistent. Goodbye to saving for retirement- or ever having a life of your own again, EVER. In the United States, a country without a healthcare system, reproductive rights, paid maternity leave and childcare, or any form of social safety net, having children seems absolutely insane to me. That doesn't even account for the impending climate catastrophe, increasing potential for nuclear war, and the inevitable collapse of the U.S. dollar.
While I chose the child free option, and I'm wistful about it...it remains the best choice. I adopted tween boys in my late 40s. This was also a great choice. Because of this very clip I watched a year ago, the hubs and I had deep talks on how much of my time does he need? What does that look like? It's served us greatly.
The last time I actually wanted to give birth was when i was 16. I'm 39 now. Don't know how the feeling just went away (hormones subsided)... Now I keep telling my mother that kids are not a blessing anymore in the 21st century. I even prepared a Bible verse for her where Jesus Christ said it Himself in Luke 23:29 'Blessed are the barren, and the wombs that have not given birth, and the breasts that have never nursed ...
I had ( HAD being the operative word) an attention seeking friend like Tom mentioned towards the end of the video. She would constantly want to talk to me about the SAME problem but refused to fix her situation. I ended the friendship in 2014 and then we started talking again towards the end of 2020.. The problems were still the same! Literally, nothing changed. Friends aren't your therapists. We aren't being paid to hear the same issues over and over and over again. The biggest proponents of our lives is OURSELVES! If we want to make a change, then we have to be our OWN change. YOU have to make your own decisions for your life and decide on how YOU want it to look and the vision that YOU see and want for yourself. People can input their opinion all day long but (at the end of the day and at the end of your life) those decisions that you choose for yourself... it's all on YOU. Your friends and family aren't living your life for you. We aren't in charge of what your legacy will look like. That's your choice... The biggest advocate for my life is me. What do I want my life to look like? If I write my own biography , how would I like it to be presented with the facts and the truth? How do I want to leave this world? What's my future going to look like? Sorry, for the rant but I hope that it will help someone else with the questions that I had to ask myself.
Actually, the wife aim to not let down her parents more like feeling guilty for her parent. But for her win I don’t think she actually wanted kids for herself. Notice the difference Ms Grace Caba 😒
Interesting. But to me. Children have brought so much growth and happiness that I can't imagine not having them, really 🤭🙈 But I get that's not everybody ❤️ And I see the pressure of being everything for your kid, that's not realistic, and that can be a burden sure, unless you resolve it. And of course I do think the relationship between the parents needs to be tended to as well, and the co-operation needs to work so it won't burden, and honesty is key in that, yes yes yes 💜🧡💛🥰😘
You guys make it clear their is no right or wrong, it’s a personal decision for us, parents mind your effin business, and I didn’t know that happiness study,, thank you both
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My mother was never shy about openly speaking about her regret of having children. I’d tell her that it’s too late and we felt she shouldn’t have chosen motherhood either but there was nothing we could do except hurry up, grow up, and move out. She got pressured by her mother…People sometimes do it to please their parents even though they rather not. It’s time people start minding their own wombs. I’m glad people are now talking about this.
Because of impact theory you have added value to so many peoples lives , you made them better thinkers , better decision makers, better humans , better parents and better kids . Its no one’s business its ur personal decision to have kids or not, love you both regardless ❤️
Our culture does push us on having kids. I think it is everyone’s choice. I think there is bad and good with having kids. No judgement on you for not having kids Mrs Bilyeu! You are so nuturing and kind. Great video!
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Although I absolutely want to have kids, I really respect their decision not to. I mean these two people would be great parents if they decided to have kids and they clearly talk things through very well. So if you don’t want kids definitely do not have them. But also don’t let their decisions influence yours.
I don’t even want kids but cmon, you left out the most important part of those studies - yes people without kids are happier but those who have kids have a much higher sense of meaning in life. The real question is which do you care about most? Not an easy question to answer
its good that they have a onest conversation. But a little weird that they seem to think that she is the onley one having the children and they onley talk about it as her beeing a mother. What about his role as a father? And why would he be jealous, should't he be busy with parenting? And why is she "leaving him" to spend time with thire children, dont they do that project together as well? I understand nothing from this conversation.
I guess he wants to be the baby forever and always, in reality he is not holding the frame in that relationship if having a baby makes her loose interest in him.
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Tbh building life around happiness is not the way to go. Many of the worst things make you happy in the moment (drugs, winnning at gambling, fast food, casual bedroom fun), but it is a very elusive feeling. I'm not going to the gym because it makes me happy. It is very hard and sometimes I'm absolutely not motivated. But sometimes you just have to suck it up and go do what's right. To build something beautiful. The same philosophy should be applied to having kids.
I am 1 of numerous siblings … and growing up we were all in and out of care homes and foster families…. We were not wanted and had no fathers….WHAT a mess is that.
My issue with those studies that report happiness is that studies can only measure so much. There is a level of meaning and drive and experience that kids might bring into someone’s lives that can’t be measured by a study. Kids add to a relationship’s challenges for sure, but giving up having kids to maintain a relationship just makes me think that the relationship is not solid enough in the first place.
to your last point, I don't think relationship is this static thing that doesn't change, so if you have a solid relationship before kids doesn't mean you will after. Relationship is an ongoing investment of time, attention etc and kids definitely take a toll on that
@@rimanteeneva3292 I don´t have either a relationship or kids. Thank goodness. This makes life so much easier. As you wrote above, a relationship is an investment of one´s ressources. I think it is better to invest these ressources, which are not indefinite, in smth. useful or just spend your time doing what you like.
I’m 36 years old and happily married but I do have a very long history of trauma from my family and I live with complex PTSD. I never even thought about getting married or having children until my body started screaming because of biology hormones etc... I do feel a lot of pressure in making a decision and I’m leaning towards not having them at all. I have an older friend who is 69 died and he’s married but he says him and his wife deeply deeply regret not having children and the way he said it made me feel terrible 😢 I think one thing that’s obvious to me from the outside looking in and being very observant and very smart just like you both is that you guys are trying to rationalize your decision because you’re afraid of a deep down inside. I think you guys should interview couples just like you who decided not to have children but who are in their 70s and ask them what they feel
You can (mostly) recover from PTSD. But seeing how much you worry and ramble in a simple comment of an internet video, i feel comfortable guessing, you're not interested in recovery. That in itself is sad, but mostly pathetic.
My husband and I connect really well on building a life together, we make excellent parents. However, we can’t come to an agreement about kids. He wants kids and I don’t. When we first got married, we agreed to have kids; but I was 23 years old and I thought that’s what I want. Now that I am 30, I think they will be in our way to pursue our dreams. I feel conflicted and indecisive with my decisions.
dont get pressured into something you dont want, sometimes it be like that and if he really want kids so bad and you dont yall maybe not the perfect match sry..
Oh no. This is something every couple must talk about before getting married. My first husband and I got married young and I told him that I didn’t want children from the time we started dating and made sure to emphasize the fact that I would never change my mind. He initially had said he always wanted children so I told him maybe it wasn’t a good idea for us to proceed with marriage/relationship. He was devastated and said he was not attached to idea of having children after all; that he really loved me and couldn’t give me up. We got married and for several years it wasn’t an issue until it was. It came up again and it destroyed our marriage. He couldn’t give it up after all, and as promised, my feelings about the issue hadn’t changed either. I remarried, this time to someone who didn’t require children from me. It’s so much better this time around. You have to decide for yourself and not allow yourself to be pressured into something so life-binding just to make someone else happy. You may not regret it but what if you do?
I never wanted to have kids, but, as fate would have it, I got pregnant the first time I had sex. I honestly hoped for a miscarriage. My son is 19 now and I can confirm that my happiness/contentment has gone up so much after we moved into different houses. I still feel like I don't want to be a mother, but I'm impressed with my ability to raise my son. And I did most of the work on my own. I say that each person's journey is their own and honesty in the relationship is the key. I feel it is unfortunate that society places so much value on parenthood. I'm all for anyone being a parent if that's what they want to do and are not getting guilted in to it from family pressure.
@@ShinkaTV he already knows, I've been very honest with my son. I never hid this information from him. I didn't tell him when he was little, but as he got through puberty I let him know exactly how I felt. I love my boy, I just didn't want a baby.
@Tiffany Hallmark for those who say that this isn't something that should be posted publically...I disagree. I think your story is valuable and REAL. If you were to ever write a book about it or share your story multiple times, a lot of other people will resonate, feel understood and supported by your story. I also really admire your honesty with your son.
He said he didnt feel pressure yet he explains the expectations he had from the life he envisioned by those who he emulated. But yet he didn’t feel pressure. Smh. He’s full of shit.
I never had kids. You wanna know why? True story. Females never found me attractive and refused to date me. The silver lining was that I never had a kids as a result! :)
I will never have children 🧒 and neither will my sister who is married. My parents will never be grandparents in this lifetime and I won’t be a parent.
Overpopulation is a MAJOR contributor to the environmental crisis. So those of us who choose not to have kids are literally benefitting the children, grandchildren, etc. of the people who do. What should we say to people with kids when they pressure us to have kids too? "You're welcome!" 😉😄❤🌎
If you don't want children but your parents would like grandchildren why dont they just offer to raise them? They center their lifes around you for the first few years to support you while the children need their parents and then the grandparents take over. We are made to have children in a tribe anyway. Parents, family, extended family and the rest of the tribe all help to some degree but today we are supposed to do it isolated and alone in a small family unit. Its just nuts.
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Watching You two together it is adorable. I enjoy watching you both much more than separate and I’m not sure why exactly. My two cents, when you get older the things that you value and prioritize now will be vastly different and that’s why studies show that people are happier later on in their life… but because you guys are happily married you will still be happy if you choose not to have children… but if you’re single and unmarried without children you’re the least happiest out of everyone. I love how honest you guys are with yourselves but I think the study you guys are trusting is not very honest it’s manipulated because people absolutely love grandchildren because when they’re at that age all they care about his family❤I sense that one of you grew up with very toxic family and I can understand that sentiment and not wanting to have children because it’s just too much
Im curious about the opinions of those persons who decided to not have kid but now are more than 50 years...bcs when we are young whe have all the strength in our lives and is normal we want to discover orselves in many aspects before we settle down or get more important compromises and maybe its not a priority...but as the time passes on...what about it? I mean, once you have your career, your personal development, your bussines you had traveled, some of the persons u used to know are not anymore in your life..whats next? 🤔🤔🤔🤔
Yeah or give to all of the animal shelters :) A trustworthy organisation that works with animal shelters that can give the money to animal shelters for surgery and care for animals that have been mistreated and give them a better life :)
This Couple is really much more power couple than most billionaire couples are, Keep going have a great example for future generations. Monks and sisters dont get married ,but being in the thriving economy being married and still do it, it takes some. Touch wood God bless
I reckon she wants kids - I might be wrong, if I’m right, you should prob leave her dude so she can. Mind you that biological need is stronger for some - not all
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I find no joy in being a parent. Life was a lot better before. The cost of raising a child takes a lot of the happiness out of the process. The whole thing is massively overrated.
Lol what studies has this guy been reading 😂 I’ve only heard people say they feel happier from the moment their children are born - myself included. The only people who would be sad are narcissists because not everything is about them now.
Dean...for those who want kids, of course they are delighted and bless them. Choosing not to have kids does not equate with narcissism. In fact sometimes the opposite. Ask the thousands of people with narcissist parents... it's hell.
@@CharingCross712 It does equate to narcissism a lot of the time and in the other cases it's a selfish life at the bare minimum. You're rejecting your family duty and you're rejecting your duty to society. If you believe you don't owe those things, you are a fool. And blaming your bad parents for your selfishness is cringe, do better than your parents then, like me.
I agree, we are too different as being. How can you judge someone with kids when you never had kids. Why are people taking the bad experience only with kids
If she has a tiny desire to be a mother, she should look for a man that will be available to have children with her. She could regret this decision down the road. I have a feeling that he told her he would have children to keep her, but really never wanted to. If there’s anyone that sees this and is in a similar situation, please have the talk with your partner and make sure you both are aligned. She could regret later the decision of not having kids. Having kids is difficult, but it could be a big opportunity to grow together.
I didn't want to have kids but my husband did so we did have two. 42 years later I enjoy 'us' time with my husband more than I enjoy time with our kids because of our differing ideas about life and the world.
I guess im a unicorn because my enjoyment of life has multiplied since having kids! I can be having the worst day imaginable and when i come home to them they just brighten up my day. I was actually team no kids for most of my life until i accidentally made one. I was super upset and stressed out, but the second I held my fist in my arms all of that vanished. My relationship is stronger and better than ever and my life has become so much more fulfilling. Its awesome raising the future of this world, they talked about using their effort to change the world instead but having kids is just that, you are bringing up the future. With that said i do agree not everyone should have kids. Some people just lack the responsibility to have them and are a little bit too selfish to have the right mindset for kids. Like what they said about putting their relationship first and what not, if you have kids you need to make them your priority above everything else, anything less is bad parenting. I would do literally anything for my kids without a second thought. You have to go beyond yourself to be a good parent, I think you should do that regardless of if you have a kid or not but when you have a kid you realize life isn’t all about you and your enjoyment. But honestly im not losing any enjoyment because there is nothing I enjoy more than being with them. Ya money is a little tighter and im not as “free” but the trade off is watching this little human grow up into their own person watching them achieve so much and know you are behind that and a part of that, its a very satisfying feeling. Its a weird thing because im all on team if u dont want them dont have them but at the same time you don’t know what its like until you dive in. I was quite depressed and unsatisfied with life back when i was against having kids but i got thrust into the situation and it has completely changed my life for the better. I don’t want people who self admittedly wouldn’t make good parents to become parents but its hard to say you won’t be a good parent until you become one. I thought i would be a awful dad but the second I held my first everything about me changed. All i can say is do what you want but also consider what you could be missing out on.
I agree, people should follow their own choices. You don't want kids? Great, the earth could use a little more breathing room. You want kids? Good, more taxpayers. It really not anyone business but for the would be parents. You don't only need a good financial health, you also need a good mental health and tons of your personal TIME. Kids are exhausting, and required a very high "Upkeep" to maintain a good, healthy and educated kids. TIME is the one thing you will never get back, if you choose to enjoy your life without kids, more power to you. If You choose to "Pay" all the cost because you wanted kids, well no one is stopping you either.
I am very sorry for all the respondent of the study highlighting that their level of happiness plummets after having a kid….very different experience for me!
omg, the talk about FAMILY and friends encroaching in the relationship. That used to happen to me all the time. Especially with my mom and my female friends. I kept my relationships away from my family and friends until they were concrete. There is a lot of jealousy believe it or not. I even got married in secret, waited a year, then had a small party.
All of these studies they cite without context fail to mention that there are different types of happiness one measure. If youre talking about the satisfaction of going places without factoring other people into it yeah obviously. But ask any empty nester if they miss their kids being home and almost all will say yes. Thats why you let your parents down.
I have 3 children and each time it was as if I grew another heart. I truly believe when you miss out on having kids, you are taking out a huge part of the human experience. I am nearly 40 and my youngest is 15 and I am considering having one more. Having children are some of the greatest joys and unconditional love I have ever experienced. In the end it is a choice . That is my two cents
I say I'm not here to be harsh nor judge anyone, I just wish I could grasp this thing. Every mom I listen say the exact thing you say...and sounds marvelous...but for people without kids this concept just doesnt ring. I'm not able to undestand that, because all my friends always talk about the " unconditional love " they have for their kids and then add lots of complaints about what they have to do in order to grow their kids.... this always scares the damn out of me. Could you kindly try to explain what " unconditional love " means to people without kids?
To each their own but i feel blessed not to have kids because i have anxiety and stress out easily. I prefer working and focus on my freedom and peace coming home instead of having to come home with more stress to deal with. Not everyone is meant to have kids and theres nothing wrong with that. Besides i get to travel and focus on myself.
I feel so bad for Lisa bc she clearly would've had kids and been perfectly happy with a different man. Life isn't about ridding yourself from all obligations. Family isn't a burden. Community is quite literally one of the most important predictors and supporters of long term fulfillment and well being.
I totally agree. Because Tom doesn't want children, I get the vibe she's trying to cope with not having them. I think she would make a great "mum." Oh well, she's a big girl. I hope she's okay with her choice when she gets older.
@@jbeauty4150, No, you don't get to re-translate what I said or what I meant by it. I said "bring forth new life." If you think life and death and everything in between are evil, that's on you. For me and my friends and family and most people I know, life and new lives are welcome and joyful and we see everyday things in our lives to be happy and thankful for. Death isn't evil or to be feared. It's just transitioning to the next reality, where we can pray for our loved ones who remain behind, to help them. It's all about perspective and it sounds like your perspective is really dark. It doesn't need to be. You don't have to live like that. Being part of a loving family, friends and community is wonderful. If you weren't born into that, you can create it for your future by caring for people around you and being a light in their lives, a help and companion to them, as they will be to you. Don't despair. Things aren't all dark and evil. Turn away from being immersed in that and find better people, be a better person.
@@oneperson5760 " it sounds like ur perspective is dark" brother the world is a dark place, there are literal countries who are at war today. Imagine being born into that.
"You own that to the entire Homo sapiens species." Such a bleeding heart, asinine, candyland sentiment. I can at least understand to a degree the religious people who feel some kind of obligation to a God, a force they hold higher than humans. But just some nebulous belief in the righteousness of collective humanity by pure "virtue" of existing as humans and therefore deserving of continuing to exist because "yAy! HuMaNs!" is laughable. 😂
