Should I Have Kids Or Not? How To Decide If You Want Kids

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Do you want to have kids?
For some people, the answer is crystal clear and easy.
And for others, it’s a devastatingly complex question.
Today we’re going to give you our best tools to help you figure out your answer.
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RU-vid video: We Don't Want Children. - Childfree Marriage
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www.vmtherapy.com
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Hi! We’re Vanessa and Xander! We specialize in helping people stop feel so embarrassed about sex, and start having way more fun in the bedroom. We’ve been affectionately nicknamed “that sex couple” by our followers for our frank discussions of the modern challenges faced by modern couples.
Vanessa is a licensed psychotherapist. She studied human sexuality at Brown University, has written for The New York Times, Allure, and Lifehacker, and has been featured thousands of times by publications like O, The Oprah Magazine, Real Simple, Refinery29, New York Magazine, Rolling Stone, Buzzfeed, and many more. And Xander is a regular dude who left a cushy career in Tech once he realized it was more fun to talk about sex with his wife all day.
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Опубликовано:

5 авг 2024

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Комментарии : 71

@Aris-Darling Год назад

I never wanted kids, and it is a lot of pressure now that I’m in a stable relationship and at the age where it’s “my last fertile decade.” I feel that the world is not entirely accepting yet of women who DO NOT want the childbirth and motherhood experience. There’s a lot to consider on your own, people don’t need pressure from outside on top of it all. I appreciated that you mentioned how people with and without children do not need to be enemies.

@FriskyTendervittles 2 года назад

I’m turning 40 this year I’m plagued by this decision. Growing up I always figured I’d have them and now I’m so undecided and it’s stressing me out

@blancanieves9934 Год назад

I'm in the exact same position and feel the same way 😞

@il6524 10 месяцев назад

I guess you better think clearly, life can be terrible, there is chance your child may face diff mental or physical illness. I regret being born, but I have no choice, as my parent decide this.

@FriskyTendervittles 10 месяцев назад

@@il6524 if you regret being born that’s your own problem. Try therapy

@johanruiz3422 4 месяца назад

@@il6524 u regret being born? dude Im 18 years old and i can tell u right now that I have been through some wierd shit in my life and dealt with sad human behaviors throughout all my life but it is such audacity to say u wish you were never born 😂. Don’t take life for granted the world and it’s opportunities are bigger for u than u may snd if they sadly are not then idk what to tell u . I enjoy and love life and is glad I was born on this earth for a purpose.

@laurenneisinger390 3 года назад

Thank you for this video! We are completely split between Y and N on this. It is such a huge decision and one we don’t take lightly. Sometimes it feels like I don’t know how we will ever decide and feel good about it.

@vanessaandxander 3 года назад

Hi Lauren, thank you so much for sharing. I'm sorry to hear that you've been struggling with this huge life decision. It sounds like you've given it lots of thought. We hope this video helps!

@Satsusss Год назад

Hi Lauren, did you come to a decision ? I am going through the same as you right now at age 35 ! X

@enistone Год назад

@@Satsusss same here :D

@ethical_sarah Год назад

I'm 35 and feel the same!

@devilskinn 10 месяцев назад

I am 36 and having such a huge struggle about this. My husband kind of wants it, but he fully respects my decision and I feel he would own the decision more easily than me.

@anabel7635 Год назад

Thank you for this. I often feel lonely with my decision not to have children as my friends around me begin having families, I too often feel there is something "wrong" with me or my husband and begin to question our decision not to as if I'm somehow missing out. Thanks for normalizing our decision :)

@tekeiraatkins9081 3 года назад

I don’t think kids are for me but I’m giving myself to come to terms with it because of society.

@acertainthing 2 года назад

One suggestion to help "find your why": challenge yourself to do the "5 whys exercise" to dig deeper into your thinking. This will uncover deeper motivations you may not have considered.

@MichaelBurnsGuitar 5 месяцев назад

Gut instinct has always been yes but logistics and cost of living are making me lean towards no... plenty of studies show happiness is unaffected and there's no guarantee they they'll stick around after they've grown up.

@44Paws 11 месяцев назад

I've known since i was 10 , i didn't want children. I told my partner when we started dating (13 yrs ago). Im in my late 30's now, and have no regrets... I've been called selfish ect ... But if I've know since i was 10, and 💯 never wavered from my decision , so is that selfish? I think not. 😊. Side note: I live in BC Canada, and at this point basic living is unattainable for many working canadians. I wouldn't want the struggle, to raise a child and not be able to provide. It furthermore validates my choice.

@ItWillRainXO 3 года назад

Thank you for this conversation!! Don’t want kids at all and very happy with my decision!

@christinachristina8343 3 года назад

I am 19 and I can't wait to have kids. It is something I really want and I and I don't follow the norm. I just follow my heart.😊

@vanessaandxander 3 года назад

We love hearing stories like this! All about everyone choosing what feels good in their heart!!

@Aris-Darling Год назад

You’re young enough to make drastic financial situations. Start saving now and you’ll be able to afford children.

@il6524 10 месяцев назад

But the reality dont always follow your heart

@ilianaboheme 3 года назад

Totally! Gut decision now it’s...N.Thank you ;)

@ChapstickChunx 3 года назад

Loved this video!

@JoshMcSwain 2 года назад

Thank you for your videos explaining why you've chosen not to but also acknowledge there's good reasons for both sides. For me, it comes down to this: do you (meaning anyone) want to see what a human you create will ultimately become? For me, the answer is no. I have many side interests and serve in my community and acknowledge a child would take time and money away from that. Also, some women that I've dated have brought up kids and I had a reaction that could be described as terror. Those two things swayed me away.

@quinnwoolsey8039 3 года назад

How do you always know what I am struggling with in my relationship?! Thank you for this video. I have always wanted kids but I stress about the environment and brining kids into this world so my husband and I are always back and forth...

@vanessaandxander 3 года назад

Haha we're psychic! So glad this video hit home ❤️

@alexandragruian2456 3 года назад

hey, I totally get the point about the environment, it is tough to think that not only you might make it worse by bringing a child into the world (more consumption, etc), but that the world they will inherit will not be safe. At the same time, what if your future child is not simply part of the problem, what if they will be part of the solution? :) I mean, so many kids are born in contexts where they will not be raised around environmentally-friendly values, or will be unable to act on our current issues. We need people who can compensate for that. Simply having fewer people on this Earth will not solve the problem. How we choose to live will. Ultimately, it's your decision, you know what feels right for you ❤️️

@il6524 10 месяцев назад

may be just adopt one?

@spiralelang4087 2 года назад

Thank you:) I'm so grateful for this video, very useful tips!

@vanessaandxander 2 года назад

You're so welcome!

@peachymelanin3402 2 года назад

Leaning closer to N…….but not totally sure

@ishitapal1586 4 месяца назад

Hi,thanks for all the perspectives you shared, helping out couples who are in a dilemma. I'm 31 years old and have been married for 1 year now. so, this obvious topic came up to our life and one thing that scares me most is the physical pain and changes as a woman you feel during this whole childbearing process and I couldn't find any video or discussion on that regard. Am I the only person who has this fear and counts this reason along with other reasons to not have a baby? Please can someone add something to this point? I have never been admitted to a hospital or gone through any surgery etc. fortunately,so it really freaks me out thinking of all the cut and stitches, blood and pain and the physical changes😢

@Hanzeeeee 3 месяца назад

I feel the same way. I have many reasons for not wanting kids, including the physical pain, damage and changes that would/could happen to my body :( I sometimes think if pregnancy and birth wasn't so grotesque and life changing maybe it would be ok to have children. Or if I was so desperate to have kids I feel the changes to my body and the pain will be worth it. But I have no desperation or desire to have children and pregnancy/birth is so life and body changing :( feels like a loose loose to me

@ishitapal1586 3 месяца назад

@@Hanzeeeee exactly,same thoughts and I can relate to each sentences you wrote here. At least someone feels this way😑

@kennedy8790 21 день назад

I think this video has helped me realize that I'd be happy with both outcomes! Maybe there isn't a right and wrong answer like I assumed. Honestly, I think there are amazing and challenging aspects to both lifestyles, but just because you might love one option doesn't mean you wouldn't also love the other.

@ashleysnedegar3268 Год назад

Thank you. I don't want kids for some persinal reasons but I felt bad because I was grieving the ghost ship. I just didn't know how to word it.

@yahudki9020 2 года назад

what a great video!

@vanessaandxander 2 года назад

Thanks for watching!!

@marlysem.2221 Год назад

I'd rather buy horses then have children 🤣

@michalisGT 10 месяцев назад

In every chapter of my life I did everything I wanted to do and not what others want....and I had a beautiful life with long term relationships with the girls I wanted and nothing less...but after 30 (and I knew that time will come years before) all the conversations are close to marriages,kids everywhere.... people that you didn't hear for them with no life ...after the get kids you see them everyday posting everywhere #happyfamily,#myeverything and all kind of the same things as everyone with no life before do. So to me...I don't want kids.....BUT in my society not have kid's is a sick option...I don't care about the society but every girl I met in those ages ....cares about or can't go against the pressure...... So now I find a girl the already has a kid so not to push me have one.... In conclusion I would like to live without kids in my life but the girls out there not wanted to or not pushed to are very very rare.....so that's my best decision even if I prefer not have kid's in my mind at all. I want your opinion and you are very lucky not both want kids and live the adventure of life at its full.

@graceheffernan8465 3 года назад

I honestly don't know. I have a lot of mental health issues that I have had since a teenager that I am on a lot of medication for to be honest I'm leaning more towards no because of the mental health and medication issues and parents aren't keen on us starting a family because of that reason. Also concerned about lack of freedom like u can't take off whenever you want you have to either bring them with you or organise a babysitter also it becomes all about the child you have to put their needs before your own.

@il6524 10 месяцев назад

it seems mental illness can be inherited

@annazanin1399 2 года назад

ive always had a natural desire and dream to have kids! i just was curious to hear y’all’s thoughts on it💓

@vanessaandxander 2 года назад

Thanks for watching Anna!

@katelyninglin2148 5 месяцев назад

Y&N. wanted and tried and it didn’t work out for me and my husband. We didn’t pursue any intervention. For 2 years I felt ok being child free and now im feeling the panic to try everything we can. Confusion

@devilskinn 10 месяцев назад

I am leaning towards NO for me, but I do love children and would like to have many children in my life. Childfree does not have to mean childless on all fronts.

@Thristed 2 года назад

Am in a 4 year relationschip with a amazing women but she wants kinds, am not feeling it or i have no desire persé and not sure what to do. Its killing me :(

@makeitcount2985 2 года назад

This is something you could should have discussed before dating... Most people don't change their minds

@Seriksy Год назад

@@makeitcount2985 Well if you start dating young enough, let's say 21-24. Kids aren't exactly what you talk about until you both are more mature. By that time, you might have developed feelings towards having it or not having it. That being said, if you start dating 30+ then I absolutely agree that it should be discussed

@MichaelBurnsGuitar 5 месяцев назад

Unfortunately the best thing might be to end it sooner rather than later. I just had a breakup because she's a firm no whereas I'm a 90% yes. I've been wanting to change my mind to be with her again but I can see that absolutely destroying me 15 years down the line. Good thing she brought up the topic after only 2 months of dating, as tragically heartbroken as I currently am :(

@DottGatsu Месяц назад

Hallo... can you tell us what happened at the end? Are you still with her? I am unfortunately on the same situation :-(

@ccr7187 2 месяца назад

I've always felt that I did not want kids and now that I'm 33 I'm really trying to make sure that I won't regret that decision later in life. The biggest takeaway I have recieved from moms is that you should only have kids if you really really want them. And even when you really really want them they are really really hard. But of course very fulfilling if that's what you want.

@lorettadelvecchio1545 3 года назад

I've always thought that i would have Kids, I never doubted It. Now i'm 21 and I'm in a relationship and It's not that obvious to me anymore. I still cry when I see newborns and pregnancy stories but i don't know if that's gonna be me or not. I Guess the future will tell 😁

@aquamarinedream8304 2 года назад

I debated for years and now I have a daughter & planning for one more.

@angelacanedit 2 года назад

What made you finally make up your mind? I can't decide yet

@aquamarinedream8304 2 года назад

@@angelacanedit Well I'm not sure about the second kid yet, but I was able to decide to have a kid because I was dating a dad and we had really great family time together. That showed me that having a family is fun and totally worth it. I could definitely have been happy CF but I'm glad I made the choice to have at least one child, she brightens my life & I'm able to have so many new and touching experiences (but yes it's really hard too don't forget that). I'm giving myself the next 4 years to decide if I want to commit to another baby or focus more on myself. I recommend babysitting the kids of someone you know, to help you see if you would enjoy it.

@Daisycakex3 3 месяца назад

I watched my father mess up his second marriage with kids. Watching him struggle with being a dad and actually not meeting their needs had put me off having kids myself somehow. But I also dont want to make a descision based on trauma or fear. I am 32 now and still doubting, but time is ticking and my bf really wants to have kids. I have very high demands of myself if i were ever to become a parent. And i just dont feel good enough. I dont want to be a parent that damages another kid, because i know what that felt like. And i apparently dont trust myself or think that our lives are currently in the right state to have a kid. Because i also have high demands for my partner. I am just torn.

@vanessaandxander 3 месяца назад

It's a VERY personal choice. If you want more clarity, a good counselor can help you get to the right choice for you. - Jackie with Team V&X

@leena4989 10 месяцев назад

It's a No in my case

@johanruiz3422 4 месяца назад

Kids aren’t for everyone so great choice

@joycemclean1363 3 года назад

@innocence8735 3 года назад

This is definitely very complex. I'm a for sure yes, but my husband is I don't know. We've been together as long as you guys but married for 2 this month. Hopefully we can come to a decision soon enough.

@ShadeCandle 18 дней назад

Watching this while resting in bed after my vasectomy... I guess I've made my decision. Now to see if I can actually find a girlfriend who doesn't want kids. Seems like a needle in a haystack, but you never know.

@SenoritaTJ Год назад

M. I really don't know. My fiance doesn't want children. He's 52. I'm 37.

@Satsusss Год назад

He's too old now, wouldn't be fair on the child

@johanruiz3422 4 месяца назад

What u said is invalid I know plenty of people at that age have kids lol

@SenoritaTJ 4 месяца назад

@@johanruiz3422 As I said he doesn't want to have kids. So No what I said is not invalid. Some people just don't want to have kids.

@johanruiz3422 4 месяца назад

@@SenoritaTJ that’s not what u said you said that he’s 52 and it wouldn’t fair on the child old bro it’s possible even at that age to still have kid and ur a lot more mature to raise compared to someone that has a kid younger don’t ever say something stupid like that ever again