As an autistic mental health professional, I want you to know that the only people who need to know you aren't officially diagnosed are people you want to tell. Autism is not well understood by either doctors or the general population. Many people don't understand self-diagnosis. It's not like you're asking for medication. When you feel comfortable you can just say "as an autistic person". You're not stealing the label from anyone. ❤
@@iPsychlopsut what if I say to someone that I am autistic and They ask me something like: "but for real?" "Is it official?". Should I just lie to them and say "yes" to avoid uncomfortable judging?
@wolfzmusic9706 the online tests are more than 80% accurate. If you do many the odds add up. Being as no two Autists are the same, meeting others can help you actually see what Autism really is. Many I've met say they can "smell it on people". The more you know, the more you can reveiw your past experiences and social interactions. It can be difficult to diagnose, in the short period you have with a psychiatrist, especially if you struggle to connect with your emotions and verbalise them. It very common to have ASD overlooked especially if the psychiatrist doesn't just specialise in ASD. Many older psychiatrists are still working on an outdated version of the DSM, again especially if they don't specialise. Whilst Many people incorrectly identify with other different traits, the ASD journey usually starts with a penny drop moment. A sudden answer to one of the many puzzles of feeling alien and othered, all their lives, a realisation they aren't broken, just different. The fact you'll be greatly stigmatised and told your fake anyway, isn't something most people would enter into willingly. Most self diagnosis tends to be correct. Either paying for or acquiring a formal diagnosis is difficult. Thanks to the informationage we can educate ourselves regarding Divergence and form support communities, negating the need to gain the official diagnosis. I totally understand your concerns, I had these as well initially. One last point is that given our need to fully understand a subject to the point of being able to lecture on it, literally, means that we dont arrive at the realisation by watching a few TikToks, we will go research it thoroughly. My penny drop was working with Learning Disabilities, it was then another 5years for my first official diagnosis, which was a costly private specialist.
To all the autistic people here in the comments: As someone who is allistic but has childhood trauma around relationships, I highly value the clear communication I had with the (few) autistic people I've dated! It's a feature, not a bug! ;)
Very well done video, I'm so glad you used all the correct terminology, acknowledged medical misogyny and spoke about the infantilisation of autistic people.
Hannah, massive congrats as usual for how well done this video was. This was one of the best videos I've seen on this topic. Just a small observation, I see that you were emphasizing that autistic people can want to have sex just as much as allistics do, which is very important. But there is also a decent amount of us that are asexual and feel like our asexuality is very connected to our autism, eg.: I can't stand getting sweaty or sticky. This particular sensory sensitivity makes even the idea of sex unpleasant for me. I know that it's impossible to cover everything on the video, but I just thought it'd be something important to be aware of.
Same with me being aromantic, my autism, and dating! I feel like I wouldn't even know if I was alloromantic for sure because I get confused on the nuances and differences! If somebody could actually spell it out for me in a concise way I feel like I'd know for sure, but the better the explanations are the more I feel like I am aro lol.
How would someone who is autistic and doesn’t like sex manage being in a relationship with someone who wants and loves sex? Is it a a question of incompatibility or you will be ok with an open relationship?
Thanks for this video Hannah. I think sex educators need to be a lot more explicit not just about body parts/ functions etc but also how to identify predatory behaviours and abusive relationships. Autistic people can be particularly vulnerable to SA and may need more support in keeping safe.
Scrolled for ages and finally found someone else thinking this. I really liked the video but also feel it missed this aspect. Content warning: SA I wasn't diagnosed till I was 17yrs old. I was unfortunately bullied in college (they utilized my fear of boys/naivety/awkwardness) and SA by someone who I thought was a friend. It's had a huge lasting impact and for the longest time I thought it was infantilism to admit Autism made me vulnerable. My boyfriend who is also Autistic has unfortunately experienced SA too and a past abusive relationship.
I relate a lot to being drawn to BDSM thanks to the clear communication, explicit consent culture, and generally not assuming even the "basics" like touching or kissing
I’m glad you’ve had good experiences in this community. My experience was quite different (primarily due to realizing how mostly vanilla I am 😅) - but I will say this, and I think everyone in every kink community deserves to be made aware of it: 95 percent of the time, if a straight cis dude says he’s a “dom,” or god forbid, a “daddy”? He’s just a sexist who doesn’t want to be held accountable. It’s important to vet everyone, of any gender or persuasion. This one in particular is a massive red flag. Not because masculine doms have to be abusive, but because abusers tend to gravitate toward this role.
@@emilysmith2965 Absolutely! BDSM community can facilitate abuse and allow abusers to find new people who don't know better :) I tend to gravitate to women so 😆
I cannot find the words to say how validated and heard I have felt while watching this video. You said things that I have said both aloud and internally for decades. Thank you for this
Another really important thing is that many Autistic folks, such as myself, also have a hyper-mobility disorder (generally some type of EDS). This means that sex can be a bit more difficult bc our joints may dislocate or certain positions may cause us a lot of pain. It is especially important for the use of restraints and other things of that sort. A position that was once comfortable can suddenly become very painful and cause a subluxation or dislocation very quickly so easy to release restraints and a clear way of communicating is essential for a hyper mobile persons safety!
As a cis-woman that was diagnosed Autistic at age 23, (I am now 25), I think this video did a good job explaining Autism and it’s effects on sex and relationships. But with that said, at 25 I still haven’t been in a relationship or had sex, so I am not an expert. I think more could have been said about Autistic people being “late-bloomers” in regards to sex. But I really resonated with the video when it went into not liking casual touch like hugs. And I also enjoyed that you portrayed the bluntness and taboo erosion of Autism in a positive way.
My first relationship was at 28yo. Yes, we can be late bloomers. Never allow for a partner to push over your sexual boundaries. If theres something you dont want say NO, push them away. Whatever it takes. I suffer with insomnia and one of my exes...yeah full blown r@p€d.... me while under the influence of the sleeping pills. I loved him, tought of a life with him...he gaslit me about the entire episode. But its like they say the body keeps the score. I had a lot of physical symptoms. I somatized the trauma. And yes, left him.
Diagnosed in my 40s, very late bloomer, very much regret even trying tbh because I wasn't aware of the items in this video and have a lot of trouble communicating. It lead to many issues until I just gave up.
As an allistic asexual person I also feel like I have not been given this rule book and would love for more open communication and an appreciation of people wanting different things in relationships to be the norm
Thank you so much! You actually read aloud your title cards! I cannot emphasize enough how incredibly rare that is. I really wish more creators started doing that: it is such a quick and simple thing to do to improve accessibility and it's important for people with impaired vision. I have been on RU-vid for well over a decade, I've followed hundreds of creators and seen tens of thousands of videos (lots of video essays in there). During this time you are only the __SECOND__ creator who I have seen actually read aloud the title cards in their videos, the other one being Kurzgesagt (and even they didn't do it from the beginning). Can you imagine the experience of person who is not watching the video (either because they cannot or they just have it playing in the background) suddenly hearing nothing for a few seconds, then the topic of discussion has changed to something different, and the person has to rack their brain for moment to understand what just happened? I've even seen creators with proper (non-autogenerated) subtitles in their videos NOT subtitling their title cards! I think that is an egregious oversight. In fact, I cannot remember a single creator who DOES subtitle their title cards... But if you read aloud the title cards they can appear even in the autogenerated subtitles, everyone wins!
Wow - just excellent. ASD diagnosis aged 56 here. Have been polyamorous since 1993. All the poly cafe meet-ups I've been to are very autistic-heavy. We are drawn to being open about our non-monogamous orientation or choices, partly because we don't follow societal rules and we love the honest, open communication which is at the heart of polyamory. I'd say that over half the attendees at the poly-meet are neurodiverse. I've got into trouble in community groups when I meet a woman I like, and telling her I'm poly and then asking if she'd like to go for a coffee with me sometime. Some of the more 'snowflaky' women have been freaked out by my directness and have complained to the group organiser - where actually I feel it would have been better to just say 'no thanks' like the majority of women do when I ask them. Now I have a diagnosis, maybe group organisers will be able to help both parties, me AND the oversensitive person, deal with the situation better.
Really resonated with some of this. My partner is autistic and it makes it really difficult sometimes regarding intimacy. We always joke about how he can never tell if I’m trying to initiate things so now I just have to be blunt with him😂
So cute seeing all my autistic friends in the comments. I'm autistic and demi but I'm not really keen on telling people I'm autistic because the reply is always "Really ? You don't seem/look like that." Because I'm a social butterfly and my job is in sales, apparently. And people telling me that I don't look ace too because I'm always flirty. Thing is I've never been flirty, I'm just kind lol and when people flirt with me I don't understand their intentions so I always get misunderstood.
I’m autistic and one of my hyperfixations I constantly come back to is Sex Ed, which either pairs really well or absolutely terribly (depending on the context or your perspective) with my complete lack of shame around talking about sex (and by extension, trying to educate about sex) to my friends and partner, to the point where I’ve made a few ex-friends uncomfortable (especially since they sometimes seem to think that it’s my way of trying to hit on them? Or being creepy?) Also, to the person who said their autism means they have strange/unconventional ways of flirting with their partner (like biting them or booping their nose), I see you, we are the same, I constantly tell my partner that I wanna bite them, or just boop their nose out of nowhere
This is SUCH a well done video, best one I've seen made by an allistic person on the topic. I'm autistic and I am VERY direct when it comes to what I want in a relationship. This also means I had no problem asking my now husband out, telling him I like him, though it took a while for me to get used to his cues. I'm so happy I can be myself and not mask around him. We've been together for seven years now, and I couldn't ask for a better partner. Also, I totally related to Lily from "Sex Education" and everyone I know who has seen the show says that Lily reminds them of me.
My partner and I are both autistic but in very different ways. I’ve hyper-sensitive to vibe changes similar to the one person who replied on IG, and my partner sometimes uses the completely wrong tone for what he means. The thing is, his emotions are completely see-through so the tone he uses is to do with his emotional state, it just isn’t always to do with *me*. Usually we can communicate well enough that this isn’t an issue but when we are both tired like the other day I ended up thinking he was upset with me meanwhile he was just talking to me & was upset about unrelated things. So his emotion showed up in his tone which he was completely unaware of since he doesn’t really use tone to communicate.
Just a quick fyi… this happens with neurotipical too, I guess part of the reason for miscommunication comes easier as usually expected but this particular kind of situation is something that it’s experienced by everyone, and sometimes They don’t even realize you guys are doing great mature communication is key and now you can both remember that
thank you so much for talking about this!!! im autistic and often my sensory issues and my difficulty identifying my own emotions cause issues with sex. i actually had to message my fiance and describe physically what i was feeling one time bc i couldnt tell if i was having an orgasm and no website i was finding would describe what it felt like physically 😅 also ive only ever dated this one person and it took us 6 years to do anything sexual bc when we actually started dating i didnt have the brainspace to process a new sensory experience like that. i didnt even masturbate until i was 20 and got my first vibe out of desperation bc getting bodily fluids on my hands is a nightmare 😭
I've been watching your videos for YEARS and they're actually one of the main reasons why my special interest is sex ed! I'm thrilled see you make such a thoughtful video relating to my lived experience, thank you Hannah!
Both my sister and myself weren't diagnosed until we were around 20. Just as a baseline it would have been so beneficial to have our diagnosis earlier. I'm pansexual (people are people even if I'm scared of most of them) and my sister is trans. Day to day in itself is peculiar so seeing things like this actually being covered is great so that others have more knowledge earlier, be that in day to day functioning or relationships.
People are people even if I’m scared of them is one of my core values. I have had a hard time describing my sexuality and your definition of pansexuality is the best definition I’ve seen so far.
@@skookie1191809 And with relationships it's the even rarer time where you find someone you actually feel comfortable being yourself around them without needing any mask for coping just being around them.
I think a lot of us are pan, demisexuality is also common with a lot of autistic peeps, I'm both. I know what you mean when you're talking about late diagnosis. I didn't find out that I was autistic until I was 32. It was only after everything (masking, stressful jobs etc) that I had a breakdown and got help. I hope that nowadays people are becoming more educated on neurodiversity so that we can get help when we need it. My therapist was shocked that it wasn't picked up when I was in primary school. Especially as I didn't speak to anyone apart from family in primary school.
This video honestly made me have flashbacks to primary school when I had a few boyfriends and only now realising that it was because of my MAJOR UNDIAGNOSED AUTISM that while we were taught that consent is a thing in sex education, I still didn't really get that *I* was allowed to say no. If you think about media, especially from over ten years ago, when someone is asked out, thay don't say know, it's usually an anticipated end to a reciprocal thing. So little baby me didn't realise you could reject being asked out and so had boyfriends that they absolutely did not ever want to touch them at all please and thank you.
I'm autistic and have been interacting in the community for a while now, and have never met any autistic person in the UK who doesn't view it as a disability... And like, of course it is... At least if you take the largely accepted view that we are disabled by society, and not that disability is inherent.
I try and try and try to find reciprocal understanding love. Havent found it yet after almost a decade of adulthood, but i can confirm i feel so much more confident and capable when it comes to approaching people and connecting with them than i have in the past. I will find the love of my life and who i am the love of thier life, and i will not give up no matter what to make that my reality and my loves reality. I have almost exlcusively only fucked up everything since ive been born, but i will find the love i deserve and that i can provide to another as well.
Amazing video! I really appreciate the effort you put into getting things right and being respectful and involving autistic people in the making of the video! I'll save this as an educational resource to send to people.
If you are dating an autistic person it may be really helpful to make a plan for sex. What are you going to do? Which positions? How long? What before? What to do afterwards? It really helps sex to feel safe and fun. Because they will feel safer within a set framework. If you want to change the plan, explicitly communicate that!
I’m glad someone’s mentioned about not feeling comfortable going to things like bars/clubs. I’ve always known that sort of thing wouldn’t be for me but in my previous relationship I went to a gig with my girlfriend at the time and even though I wasn’t in in the mosh pit I was close enough that I couldn’t handle it and hand to fight my way out. It’s my only ever experience of going to a gig and has left me scared to go to one in the future. Not only that but it upset my partner that she had spent so much money to do something nice for me but then we’d had to leave so she felt like her money had been wasted and it essentially spelled the start of the end of our relationship. I’ve been single ever since and find myself distancing myself from people more and more each day but I have recently been put on the waiting list for an autism diagnosis and the more videos like this where I can relate to a lot of things that are said gives me hope that maybe one day I’ll be able to get the help that I need so thank you.
i think that tone tags are one of those things that should really be discussed with your partners and friends rather than just blanket using them !! im autistic but i really cant remember tone tags and find them difficult to parse and use so between myself, my partners, and my friends we all just tend to talk and if things seem like they might come across as sarcastic or joking when we mean it to be genuine, we clarify that this IS a genuine statement or question and we normalize it being perfectly fine and ok to ask for clarification (what did u mean by this, what is the joke here, are you being sarcastic/joking, etc) ALSO ! i think its super fun and important to note that while a lot of people have hypersensitivities to various sensory things, many also have HYPOsensitivity to some sensory things and need MORE stimulation for things rather than less (this is why like being layed on and squished is often a comforting feeling for people!) i am personally sensitive to light and texture and some smells set off migraines for me but i LOVE overwhelming amounts of noise (when im expecting it lol) so i might love to hang out and enjoy loud music or something and it can be a really stimulating environment ! same thing as why some people might enjoy some rough play during sex to get MORE physical stimulation :) i loved this video so much as an autistic trans person dating 2 autistic trans people and as someone who loves sex and communicating in relationships 🥰
Great video, as a person on the spectrum I appreciate the care and attention given and I know navigating terminology can be difficult. But ultimately I do feel like the DSM definition would have been beneficial. A lot of us don't identify with the "neurodivergent" label and prefer to acknowledge that it is indeed a neurodevelopmental condition (although not necessarily a disorder), like any other. And as a side note - although a cure is not feasible given the nature of the condition, many of us do want and desperately need treatment. And thankfully there are many in development.
very true that it isn't indicative of every experience, but imo this was an incredibly well-done video and definitely something I'd send someone as a resource, so thanks ppl who wrote it!!!
My last partner was autistic, and I only wish this video had existed while we dated so I could have been better informed! Many of the things you described came up in our relationship. Great video!
There's a certain level of "playing the game" that a lot of the people who commented said they either don't understand or are seen as weird for not taking part in. I've always been for straight forward, honest communication and if someone were to be open about who they're interested in it seems like a bonus to me. Keeping it a secret from them seems so secondary school.
The biggest thing I’d like to see change in Sex Ed is the obsession with abstinence-only rules. When kids are taught about consent, they need to be taught the sincere “yes” AND the sincere “no,” since neither means much without the other one.
I am autistic and asexual. I am 59 years of age and in the 60's and 70's and earlier autism was not recognised and it was in the late 70's where autism was a diagnosed in children but only in children and no one else. I had epilepsy which was also barrier to getting an diagnosis. I got a diagnosis at 51 and there are also quite a number of autistic men who are only receiving their autism diagnosis either in their 30's/40's and men in their 70's. It only took me a 3 month wait for an autism assessment and 3 months to get my autism diagnosis.
Im autistic (and a sex educator) and married an allistic. I love physical intimacy! And i love that my partner loves how i express myself and regulate during acts - he thinks its sexy when I stim. We do struggle with the communication and initiation parts, though. We've been working together to find what feels right and works even when im overwhelmed. Its a neverending journey for us with some hurt feelings along the way. We always have a "check-in"/after care to make sure everyone enjoyed themselves and he brings me my fidgets lol
This video is both shocking and reassuring, in a "oh my god this is normal for us and it's not just me!" sort of way. Thank you so much for this, I'm going to rewatch it with my partner (also ND) so we can talk about it together.
I'm so happy that you're covering this topic! My three partners are autistic (many of my friends too), and, well, the huge amount of neurodivergent people in my close surroundings + comments about me being nd by my loved ones increased my attentiveness when it comes to me, my brain, my behaviours etc. Turns out I'm quite neurodivergent too (even though I don't like to put one specivic label on it (yet)). Learning about autism/ADHD/... makes me feel really seen, helps me to understand myself and gives me the words to describe my experience. I'm just so grateful for having these supportive and lovely people around me, especially while I discover new perspectives on myself (which can be challenging) ^^
Okay, after watching the whole video... I'm so glad mypartners are autistic, neurotypical approches to dating/relationships sounds really challenging :D
A fun solution I came up for not being able to handle the "wet" slapping sounds during sex is investing in noise cancelling headphones and make it part of a sensory deprivation scene.
Thank you so much! This video was amazing! As someone who isn´t officially diagnosed, but feels like all these boxeses are ticked and has struggled all life with the "unwritten rules for social interactions" that everyone has read except for me!, this was so validating and informing!
I wish you would have talked more about the connection between autism and asexuality. A large portion of autistic people are asexual and/or demisexual. A lot of it is because of sensory issues with sex. Some autistic people are aromantic as well. Overall, we aren’t just more likely to be transgender, we are more likely in general to be queer.
I saw someone say that we aren't more likely to be queer, just more likely to look inwards and question things. So that's a theory as well. Though, I've questioned everything my whole life and it still took me a while to figure out my identity, which is still evolving. So who's to say! ♡
Awesome video! :) I appreciate the degree of detail and nuance in your descriptions and explanations. :) I'm 41 years old, and have been spending the past few years coming to terms with being autistic. (I got tested when I was a kid, but for some reason, my mom decided not to talk to me about it until fairly recently) Having that understanding now that I'm autistic helps me look at my past relationships through a different lens. A couple of random examples from my first relationship: She criticized the fact that I "always had a flat affect" in situations that she felt I should have been reacting emotionally differently. Also, when we were living together, she had specific expectations about what I should do on a daily basis around the house that she expected me to know without her communicating them to me. (Certain household chores, etc) I also once had a... memorable... one-night-stand, which didn't have to be a one-night-stand, except that the woman I was with had (to my mind) strange gendered expectations about how often I should be calling her, "because I'm the man," which led to steadily increasing hostile and passive-aggressive behaviour from her, because I wasn't behaving the way she felt a man should. (Side note: gender roles have always been something that are strange and nonsensical to me) 17:59 I can relate to this one a lot. I am, in theory, comfortable with the idea of casual sex, as long as I have the opportunity to get to know the person and get comfortable with them first. That said, I can recall some instances where I think I made a potential partner uncomfortable, because I spoke bluntly about topics that I think they were not expecting me to be blunt about. (Not that I was being vulgar or anything; I just expressed that I'm concerned about safe sex and let them know I was free of STIs, and they became visibly uncomfortable)
I’m only 30 seconds in and I’m already so excited for this video. I’m a late diagnosed AFAB person (diagnosed at 30) and it’s been a huge learning curve and journey in my life. This is going to help massively :)
Returning to your channel after a while away and this video was simply awesome. Whilst I dislike the term 'allistic' and tend to use 'non-autistic', that's genuinely just personal preference and the fact that you used the other neurodiversity shibboleths so naturally is a credit to how well you worked with your assistant and scriptwriter on this! I'm autistic and I'm about to turn 27 but I've never been in a relationship or done anything more than 'fooling around' as a teenager. I'm in a weird position bc sometimes I'm hypersexual and it becomes almost a fixation but most of the time I couldn't care less about sex and would quite happily never think about it again! Early sexual experiences and an inability to forget things and move on from them combined with my social isolation and inexperience have led to some issues that I'm still working through, but I thought I'd share in case anyone else needs to feel less alone. I know I do! Thanks for making this video-autistic sexuality is so incredibly underrepresented!💛
I’m allistic, with several autistic, intellectually disabled family members, and thought this video was very well done. I find that a lot of current discourse around autism excludes autistic people with ID (probably because of the influx of a lot of non-ID people getting diagnosed, which is on its own good!) and I appreciate that this video did not feel that way. I would love a deeper dive into sex, ID, and autism. I think a lot of the misconceptions around autistic people’s ability/desire to be sexual result from a perception of autism as intellectual disability (which it is not), and the perception of intellectually disabled people as infantile, non-sexual, etc, (also not true). There’s a ton to unpack there, plus lots of practical knowledge (how to talk to people with ID about sex, safe internet/porn usage, taking care of your body (periods, erections, etc), and navigating consent in both sexual and non-sexual scenarios. Thanks Hannah, Quinn, and Moog!
As someone on the spectrum myself, I do have to just politely point out that ASD is technically an intellectual disability and there's nothing wrong with that.
@@Randomstuffs261as someone else on the spectrum I would disagree that it is an intellectual disability but acknowledge there is no consensus of opinion on this in the autistic community as I believe was mentioned briefly in this video.
@@Lucifear616 The medical and scientific communities however are completely clear that ASD constitutes a cognitive/intellectual impairment. It's just that some people, like with all disabilities, aren't disabled by it and mistakenly think that the condition itself isn't a disability as a result.
@@Randomstuffs261 the medical and scientific community also used to consider homosexuality as a mental disorder of some sort and again as mentioned in this video there are still many problems with the medical diagnosis due to incorrect assumptions about the condition. I’m not flat out saying you are wrong although I do happen to disagree just that’s it’s not as black and white as you wish to portray.
@@Lucifear616 Romantic interest doesn't involve harmful neurological alterations and measurable biomarkers like ASD does though, so the comparison doesn't really work. ASD is a disability because it inherently involves some of the following - Nervous system damage, neurotransmitter imbalances and receptor dysfunction, failed presynaptic pruning, neuroinflammation, and autoimmune activation, oxidative stress, sleep disturbances etc. These biological factors are inherently disabling (Even if a portion of people with the condition don't feel disabled by it). I agree that the medical field occasionally got things wrong in the past, but once you start to understand the underlying biology of ASD it becomes clear that it definitely meets the definition of disability very accurately. Just like any other disability. If you have any proof that ASD does not involve any maladaptive neurological alterations, I would genuinely like to hear it, but for the 5 years I've been researching it full time, I have never seen a single case.
we had a moment of quintessential autistic joy yesterday. I was having a crap day cos my period was really heavy (not painful, but it overflowed my mooncup in 2 hours, creating nuisance-laundry and Bad Texture in my pants). the sensory nightmare of that was sapping my executive function & making me miserable. so my partner came home from work with a whole bag of treat foods, most of which they don't even like. and I said "you brought me TEXTURES!". sure, there are more "normal" ways to phrase that, but they brought me textures and that was wonderful. my biggest sex ed adjacent concern being autistic is pregnancy. specifically, sensory issues getting worse due to pregnancy symptoms and feeling safe if I go non-verbal during labour. this is compounded (in my case) by a fairly severe needle phobia and (more generally) by the infantilising of autistic people and the centering of allistic parents of autistic children. the last time I googled "autism & pregnancy" I got a whole load of pseudoscience on foods you should eat/avoid to reduce the chances of having an autistic child (thanks for trying, I guess...? but really not what I was looking for). at that time I had recently discovered that sensory processing disorder (shortened to SPD) existed as a separate diagnosis. SPD discourse was still centering neurotypical parents of small kids, but it didn't have the toxic martyr attitude of the "autism warrior mom" internet. so I tried that. yeah...turns out "SPD" means something every different in pregnancy.
Online sex ed has had a really positive effect on my sex life - it gave me language to use and someone with confidence to emulate when i wanted to talk openly about things! I had some wild teenage years haha... We all found out we were autistic later 😂
Thank you for making this video Hannah! As a (self-diagnosed) autistic person, I have a really hard time anticipating how people will react to the things that I say or do. I'm always so nervous that someone will react in a bad way that I don't take risks when it comes to relationships of any kind. Also the idea of being physically close to someone (like for sex) gives me the ick.
I didn't realize other people did nose boops too! I will note though that as an aroace the bits at the beginning and end kind of came off as humanizing autistic people (ie autistic ppl have sex and date too) at the expense of aro&ace ppl. It's not simply that I don't want to date or have these experiences, it's that they don't feel the same way for me as others describe them. It's a tricky line to walk and it's clear there was an effort here but I'd definitely recommend finding aro&ace ppl to review videos like this if you can in the future
For other autistic people, i have a diagnosis and my partner doesnt have one, but is definitely an autistic person. We talk alot what we want, need and like. Often we need to plan sex, because we both need time during sex to help each other with overstimulation. And other things we do is communicated about or we schedule it in our planners (helps being Dutch, i guess) so everything is clear what somebody does or that the other one is allowed to come on the appointment as they please. No hard feelings if someone is going alone or we are going together. After we need downtime alone and we talk about it as well
I was just thinking the other day about how having an autistic partner can be challenging, but also helped me learn to not be afraid to have open conversations and be brutally honest to my partner. He is autistic and always so honest and direct, which is tbh amazing for our relationship together. I'm unlearning to be vague and learning to talk about and identify my feelings thanks to him!
Im autistic and my partner has ADHD and this video really resonated with me. The person who said they flirt in unconventional ways like booping noses and biting arms etc may as well have been me. Myself and my partner are always booping noses, randomly licking or chewing on eachother (non sexually) and stimming on each other by squeezing our podgy bits
it's been a few years since your videos have come on my radar and i have to say that this is just as good, if not better, than the ones i remember watching. fantastically researched and presented, and it's really comforting to hear everything you said and for your work to be so inclusive. thank you, hannah (and as a kinky autistic you've definitely connected some dots here regarding negotiation and rules. hoooly shit :D)
i am autistic myself so i do know what it is like not to fully understand what is normal and also and knowing when if as and when a woman who fancies me. i have had relationships before and have had sex as well, but it has been a long time since i was involved with someone. But I ho hope you do more of these types of videos that would help the Autistic community, thanks.
i get the not knowing if someone is flirting with you, so many times in hindsight i see it, but sometimes i cant tell if someone is just lovely, i have a weird innocence
Flirting blindness is a massive problem. As someone assigned male at birth, I've been called a predator because of my inability to tell what is a flirt. At this point I assume nobody likes me and nothing is ever meant in any kind of romantic or truly friendly way; as a result, it's been a long time since I've been called creepy or predatory. Also a long time since I've had physical contact with anybody, let alone sex...
Feel you. My bullies in college utilized my fear of boys and it meant I almost completely missed out on genuine love. It took a long time to feel safe and accept that I'm loveable.
Me and my bf are currently watching this after a journal prompt that nearly made me completely disassociate; “Where did my aversion to sex come from? What is an experience in sex that has made me uncomfortable?” Really made me think for a LONG time. Still am. The second question is still completely blank, unanswered
This video is fantastic!! Thank you so so much Hannah for the depth, breadth and care put into the script and making sure to be as inclusive as possible ☺The section with other autistic people's comments at the end rang so true for me: I've never felt the term "relatable" more in my life!!!
> Autistic people [...] can have meaningful sex lives if they want to If I recall the data correctly, many (and I mean _very_ many) autistic men want to have a partner but can't attract one, due to lacking social skills. This is probably the biggest impact autism has on sex and relationships: it prevents them from happening. Your statement is very nice, but I think it runs counter to many people's experience of what their world is like: they want to and yet it doesn't happen. Can't do it. Not available.
Amazing vid. I'm autistic and it's accurate and very helpful information in the video. I had my fair share of relationships and sexual encounters through the years with various results.
this was a super validating video, it's not often you get to hear other autistic's views on sex but it reaffirmed that i'm not completely abnormal i'm just autistic! i love that you have so clearly listened to and engaged with the autistic community when planning this💛
thank you for making a video like this that wasn't infantilizing or dehumanizing, very nervous seeing the title but relieved upon viewing. I also just always assumed you were autistic from the sort of hyper fixation on a singular topic and the love of statistics you saying you weren't autistic was like weirdly a shock to me
tbh I'd recommend clarifying in whole words, not using tone tags. The tone tags themselves can be confusing, like it's hard to remember whether /s means sarcastic or serious or silly. That's not helpful. I like to put a full word in brakets. In normal speach you can say "I'm joking" or "I'm being silly" or "I genuinely mean that" if you're concerned it might be unclear, or let the other person ask for clarification.
Yeah I was really mystified for a while by /gen, scratching my head going "general? generic? ??" Since the meaning wouldn't stick in my brain at first, I kept arriving at the incorrect conclusion that certain posts tagged /gen were meant to be sarcastic, which of course is the exact opposite of what the genuine tag was trying to accomplish.
Hello. I thought I would add in some stuff that I have learned in my experiences as an autistic person trying to find love. I want to preface this by saying that I am still, and always have been, single and the most physical affectionate contact I've had is a hug (never been kissed or done any sexual activities, etc.), but I feel like it is worth sharing anyway. As I am autistic, this advice is mostly aimed at fellow single autistics but if you are not autistic and find some of this useful then that's cool too. 1) Being autistic does not mean you are unlovable, broken or that you are undeserving of love. This one was very hard to learn and I still struggle with it sometimes. Looking for love can be very difficult and it can make you feel like it is something you will never experience, but it is important to remember that you are just as deserving as anyone else. It is also very important to look after yourself and know what your limits are when it comes to looking for love. If you start to feel upset about how your search is going, try focusing your time and energy on something you enjoy doing so then it doesn't take over your day and determine what your worth is. Also, if you start to feel upset and that you are experiencing low mood, it is always a good idea to talk to people that you trust such as family members, friends, doctors or teachers (if you are still in school). 2) Your autism is something that you live with but it does not define you. In the past, I have had difficulty communicating with people who aren't autistic about my autism and how it affects me. However, I have learned that being open and honest about it has helped me build stronger friendships when meeting new people. More often than not, I have met people who have responded positively to me being autistic and, if they don't feel like they understand how it affects me, have wanted to be able to understand it better so they can help me if I need it. For example, I find it hard to talk about my meltdowns because, in the past, I have been told by my mum that my meltdowns can be very scary, and for years I struggled with this idea that I was some kind of monster and other really nasty self-bullying thoughts. Recently, though, I have come to understand that my meltdowns are something I do when things get too much for me and that they are not a reflection of who I really am or my "true self". This is because I have made some amazing friends who have asked about my meltdowns so that they know how they can help me in those scenarios and I have be very honest with them about what my meltdowns might look like and why I have them and what would be useful to me if I end up having one in their company. If you struggle talking about certain aspects of your autism, being honest with people that you trust can be very helpful and, once it is out there and people know about it and what it is helpful to you, it will help you feel less pressure to keep up a certain image of normalcy and be more of your amazing self. You might want to tell people everything about your autism straight away or give them pieces of relevant information about it here and there. Just remember other people's boundaries and how long it may take them to process new information and that you should never have to mask with the people you care about and who care about you. 3) Your autism is nothing to be ashamed of. You may encounter some people who don't like you or dismiss you because you are autistic. This used to upset me a lot, especially if I liked the person I was talking to. I have also encountered people who don't like me for my gender identity or my special interests, and sometimes I don't have a reason as to why people don't like me and have had to try and guess. Trying to guess why someone doesn't like you can give your brain time to pick on all your flaws (especially the ones you can't change about yourself) and this can lead into a downward spiral of bullying yourself into believing you are not good enough. But you are good enough and identifying a particular way or having a certain interest does not affect that. You should not feel any pressure to change what you like or how you identify and doing so will most likely make you feel unhappier in the long run. It is always better to accept that someone you doesn't like you and move on (even if you really really like them) than to try and rectify and change yourself to suit their needs over your own. Relationships will have some compromise, yes, but you should never change for someone else and should change and progress as people together for yourselves and not each other. 4) Not having certain experiences doesn't make you a loser. I still struggle with this one but I still think it's worth sharing. No-one has the same experiences at the same time in life. I know that it may feel like you are falling behind or missing out if you haven't had certain experiences by a particular age but you are not. If you've never been kissed or had a romantic partner before, that's OK. There isn't a deadline on these experiences and anyone who makes you feel any shame for not having any experience in certain activities or forms of intimacy are not worth your time. You should never feel ashamed for your lack of experience, nor should you be taken advantage of because of it. If you don't want to do something, say so and this can lead to some helpful conversations about each other's needs. If the person doesn't listen to you and persists, then they do not have your best interests in mind. Also, just because you haven't kissed anyone or had a romantic partner before that doesn't mean you never will. None of us can tell what will happen in the future, unfortunately, but it is always good to try and think positively about these things. You are allowed to feel upset and it is natural to feel sad or frustrated but try not to let it determine your worth. It is also good to know that no-one owes you sex or a relationship and you don't owe anyone sex or a relationship either, and you probably wouldn't have to be in forced into it anyway. 5) Sometimes it's worth forming a support network for yourself to help you navigate your feelings, especially if you have a crush on someone. Your support network can be your friends or family and, if they're willing, they can give you that space to talk about your feelings and your anxieties. My support network have helped me with this a lot and, with their help, I have felt better prepared meeting people for the first time, other date scenarios and how to tell people I like how I feel about them in a way that is doesn't put pressure on myself or the person I like (though telling someone how you feel can be very nerve-wracking and this is something your support network could help you cope with too). Having a support network also gives you time to help you process things that have happened and offer advice, if you feel like you need it. They will support if you need it and will most likely love to hear about all your small victories too. They can also act as a safety net if things don't work out and give you the space to let your emotions out and remind you of your worth. This can prevent you saying things you don't mean to the person you like in the heat of negative thoughts and feelings, and also help you cope in a healthy way if you are having to deal with some form of rejection. 6) Last bit of advice is to bear in mind that there are all kinds of love out there and that romantic love isn't the be all, end all of love. Romantic love is only one type of love and you shouldn't let it define whether you are loved or not or how loved you are as a person. Your friends can love you, your family can love you, your pets can love you and these are all different types of love that you can feel and experience and it might be worth considering this if you start to feel upset or that nobody loves or cares about you. It might even help you feel less pressure in finding romantic love and help you remember the people that you care about and who care about you already. You also don't have to prove yourself to the people who love you or win them over (romantically or in other ways) because they know you well enough to have their love and support so you probably don't have to mask with them and you can be your amazing self around them. I hope this is helpful to someone, even if this is rather long. I am not an expert and still learning. Even though I am autistic, these are things that I have learned just from my own experiences and may not be reflective of every autistic person's experience (it is a spectrum after all). I also wanted to avoid talking about how it feels to not having kissed or done anything sexual thing anyone and this relate this to my age as I don't think this would be very useful to anyone and it can be hard to talk about and I don't want to create a sense of doom about it. Looking for love can be a massive struggle and have an affect on your mental health so it is always important to practice self-care, take breaks and seek help from those you trust and from medical professionals if you feel you need to. It is also something that can be difficult for everyone and it is good to recognise your own courage and bravery for putting yourselves out there and rewarding yourselves too. Also only you will know when you are ready to do things and you should never feel ashamed or pressured into doing anything that don't feel ready for or uncomfortable to participate in.
WHO KNOWS? IT MIGHT! :P I wouldn't put it past those rascally neurotypicals/allistics to pull a multiple-meanings thing unexpectedly even when I'm sure I know what they mean! (Mostly joking, but kinda seriously)
I'm autistic and experience rejection sensitive dysphoria, finding a partner is super difficult for me. I am usually unable to tell if someone has feelings for me and I am always worried about acting flirty around people I like because I am so worried they will reject me. I use dating apps and I'm convinced it's the only way for me to find a partner. I also have an idea of a dream partner, in which we share mostly the same special interests. I much prefer dating other autistics because they understand what it is like to be autistic. I'm not a very sexual person, but I'm open to sex if I'm close enough to the person.
the rampant idea of consent not being necessary for really “small” things has always stressed me out as an autistic person with major sensory issues- especially when the circumstance is unexpected. my current partner asked if he was allowed to hold my hand three days before we even went on the date in question and i couldn’t have been more happy. DONT ASSUME SOMEONE IS COMFORTABLE TOUCHING EVEN IF THEY LIKE YOU BACK!!!
"Due to gender roles in heterosexual relationships, in our society, life, the world, culture, reality, nature, whatever you want to call it, men are usually expected to take the lead, pursue, and initiate romantic/sexual relationships. This requires a certain amount of confidence and social skills, social dynamics and social intelligence, conversation ability and human interaction ability, certain social behaviors, which can be very difficult to develop for those who've faced a lot of social isolation and rejection for many years, or have a condition that affects their ability to socialize, such as autism, etc. People who fail to develop these traits due to lack of positive experiences, are much less able to compete with their peers for romantic/sexual relationships. As said before, men being generally expected to pursue, take the lead, initiate and escalate, the lack of these traits affects their ability to find and attract a romantic/sexual partner, or to get into a relationship, to a much larger degree than it does for women." i thought that was a very powerful and valid post, perfectly worded.
