The Machine - Bert Kreischer: THE MACHINE 

Imagine he visits Russia again after all these years and he’s just walking down the street and hears someone scream “THE MACHINE” and boom it’s igor

Speech: 1 Charisma: 100 Luck: 100

7 years and 50 million views later and it's now a movie! Congrats Bart krishneil

I took Russian in college for 4 semesters, I actually did learn a little bit. I had a classmate who went on a trip there, he said he got robbed by some little kids with a gun for cigarettes, and $5 and then afterwards they smoked the cigs they stole from him with him 😂 Then he and a friend got picked up by the police for pissing in the street, got put in the cop car and the cop was just like “meh each of you give me $20.” Then they drank vodka in the patrol car and the cop passed out. Sounds like an interesting place.

Florida man takes school trip to Russia and joins the Russian mafia and ends up becoming local legend, despite not knowing Russian.

I imagine Bert visiting Russia one day and getting to shake hands with Putin. Only to have Putin lean in and say "So I hear YOU'RE the Machine".

The fact that this story is being made into a feature film, is just amazing.

I think the fact that this is getting turned into a movie/having a sequel made of it is fucking awesome... This is gonna be a lotta fun...

bert: **loves his family and is extremely loyal to his wife and children** also bert: **joins the mafia**

"Never learned a word" *but you learned the ones that mattered.*

This was posted 6 years ago, today me and a buddy are getting hammered and going to watch it as a movie in theatres. Congrats Bert!!

Watched "The Machine" in theaters (May 26th). It was absolutely hilarious, and this story still continues to make me laugh. 😂😂😂😂 Please do yourself a favor and go watch the film.

I wonder if any of the Russian mob is watching this like, “ ah yes, the machine, cool dude”

“When I was 22 I got involved with the Russian mafia. Here’s how it happened....”- that, my friends, is how you start a story.

“Seven years ago, one incredible story blew up the internet.”

I have hated on Bert and refused to hear this story. But now I'm double screening with The Machine on it's Netflix debut and Holy Moly. 54 million views? Okay Bert. You get props for that.

This is the most Florida shit I’ve ever heard “Florida student joins mafia on field trip”

This is what happens when you make a 1 intelligence, 10 charisma character

7 years ago, one incredible story blew up the Internet. Now it's a movie

An investment in knowledge pays the best interest."

As a Scottish person I can. Confirm that any language can be learned in days with the assistance of excessive alcohol.

“Florida man robs train and joins Russian mafia during school field trip”

"So close I could smell his morning cigarette"...This is a great storyteller. Can't wait for the movie.

The Machine and Mark Hamill bringing this story to the big screen?? I'm in!

Some old Russians are probably like “see comrades, he is real”

Somewhere in Russia, The Bratva is watching this screaming “THE MACHINE, THE MACHINE, THE MACHINE” and going shot for shot remembering the golden days of the machine!

Just got an ad for The Machine movie. As the ad said, and I quote "that's just good marketing"

A couple years later and he has a MOVIE, so glad to see how successful he became!

Imagine his daughters being like "uh dad theres a man named igor at the door asking for the machine!?"

Name: The Machine Strength:4 Perception:5 Endurance:8 Charisma:5 Intelligence:1 Agility:2 Luck:9

This is the first story I ever heard from Bert Kreischer and afterwards I hunted down any special or clip of him I could. The situations he gets himself into are pure gold.

Who else came back to listen because they’re making a movie about this

All made sense when he said "I went to school at Florida State"

This is probably the best tourism ad I've seen for Russia.

And the fact this is now a movie is insane

the best way to learn a language is immersing yourself in the culture and environment no wonder bert instantly picked up so much

This story is actually real his classmates confirmed it and there are some photos of him and Igor on the internet

The machine is an urban legend where I grew up

Looking forward to the new movie!

"I'm learning the language my way, not with flashcards but by joining the mafia." Submersion the best way lol

If he ever goes back to Russia, I can imagine Putin pulling him aside and saying, "It would be an honor to have a shot with the machine"

I've watched this over and over for years wishing that there would be a movie and today I almost pissed myself laughing when I seen the movie trailer for The Machine!!!!! Yes yes yes it's finally happening!!!!!

How have I never heard this story??? I love Rogan and all his cronies, and I've never heard "the machine." I feel as though I have brought shame to my family. This is perhaps one of the top five greatest stand-up stories I've ever heard. Bravo.

Him being shirtless added to his overall pretty “russian” looks i think.

Best underrated quote "I learned the language not by flashcards and textbooks, but by joining the mafia"

I love Bert. This movie was every single bit as hysterical as I hoped. If you plan on going to see this movie, and you're taking anyone who is anywhere from simply "disliking" Bert to even as much as "meh" about Bert, leave them the hell home. They might chuckle, they might laugh, but they won't TRUELY appreciate it. If you love his comedy, you will love every minute of this movie. I have watched every special of Bert's. I've watched The Machine bit at least a dozen times. My son (22) and daughter (19) have been watching him with me for years (and I took both of them to see it with me of course). Hell, I made an NPC for our D&D campaign specifically based on "The Machine" as a character who is one of the absolute favorites of any NPC I've ever made. The flashbacks of the original bit were followed near-perfectly (I'd have to watch it again to see which parts were adjusted to fit in the film plot). The slight alterations to the original plot to fit with the current story were just crazy enough to blend in. I was prepared for the humor, but I was not prepared for the level of action going on. The fight scenes were like watching Jackie Chan or Samo Hung fight if they were a overweight, middle-aged man with a receding hairline who had no martial art skills but was REALLY well choreographed and/or had a stunt double. I also wasn't prepared for all the touching moments. Let's be real: no one has a "normal family" and Bert's comedy act points that fact out. So in this movie, it didn't even attempt to try and fluff it up to make it seem normal. Watching it with my now adult son and daughter a couple weeks before Father's Day (intentional???) was just icing on the cake. I would go see this again easily in a theater. I will buy this when it comes out so I can watch it whenever I want. It was every bit as hysterical as his standup routine which I still need to make some day. Machine, it was an honor to share popcorn with my kids during your movie.

I will never understand how ppl find this story so hilarious.

Bert: Lv1 Crook **says "I am the Machine"** Bert: Lv40 Mob boss

Here rewatching to relive the glory after the movie trailer dropped. Congrats! I'm excited for it.

From comedy act to movie, what a great time to be alive!!!!

I’m a Russian and my grandpa was in the mob and he told me about the machine , I didn’t believe him until now Disclaimer : this is not true I’m just trying to make peoples day a bit better

"Liberal Arts confidence" was the most underrated thing about the story.

ok, it's 2023. another year passes and still remain the best piece of comedy on the interent. see you in a year people

Who else is back here after the trailer dropped?

“I never learned a word” *starts speaking Russian less than a minute later*

Moral of the story: confidence gets you everywhere, especially if you're in the business of making friends and not enemies.

THEY MADE MOVIES FOR THIS OMFG. NEVER BEEN THIS EXCITED TO GO TO THE THEATRE. 😂😂😂😂😂

The fact this whole story is now being brought to the big sceen blows my mind still.

“i was in college longer than grunge music was around.” best. analogy. ever.

In America, we have Laws In Russia they have Russia

They literally gonna make this a movie😂😂😂

The machine movie is so fun to watch, haven’t watched another movie like this for years, I really wish it makes another one

When he said ☆○#👟, I felt that.

Bert is kinda like Groot “What’s your name?” “I am the Machine” “Ok, where are you from?” “I am the Machine”

I love, Bert! For some reason, this video over, took my telephone, as there was brainlessly scrolling through RU-vid! Then, again, for absolutely no reason this video started playing. Thank you universe.

The fact that this is getting a movie now is insane!

Please make this a movie

My boyfriends dad is in the Russian mafia. He’s heard of the machine😂

I was told to watch this guy because he is the funniest comic around right now...... Um, I'm not seeing it. To each their own, but I didn't even crack a smile. Crazy how subjective humor is.

Now we are getting a movie 🤣

I was told you are the machine?!

He is literally confessing to a train robbery and he can, because what is the government going to do to The Machine?

I can’t believe they made a movie just from this one story 😂I can’t wait to see it

Thanks to RU-vid’s algorithms seeing this for the first time. Will see this movie this week!

As a person who lives in Russia I can confirm that events he described 100% could've happened in the 90's

I can’t be the only one who wants to hear the other stories he has, like the pool hall scam and the boat theft.

It only took 6 yrs and a world war but we finally have a movie about this, yay! 😁

The Steven Seagal of stand up comedians.

They should turn this story into a movie.

"Do you have any idea what it's like to take a test and make up hieroglyphics?" *Cries into Mandarin Chinese homework*

HE IS THE MACHINE!!!

And now..... we have a movie.

This man really just became an honorary member of the mob by being at 14th person in a class and accidentally saying IM THE MACHINE to some Russians absolute legend

We can all admit this is not the first time you have watched it.

i watched this video 5 years ago. and recently i watched the movie. Man this guy is a legend!!

SAW IT TODAY. THE MACHINE IS A BRILLIANT FILM

Russian boy: dad what was the weirdest thing that happened on the mafia? Father: (Russian accent) I met American man who called himself the machine it was weird but good time my boy

And now there's a movie!

“Igor i know what you said” “Good for you Machine” LOOOL, the fact that Igor probably didn’t know why he was so excited but just kinda rolled with it 😂

This guy did and experienced more things in one field trip than I probably will in a whole lifetime.

This story is actually true. He has a picture to prove the Igors and it’s really situated in Russia.

I love this story. I think about this story all the time now! Sure gets my mind clear! The Machine!!!

Trailer just dropped

Even as a Russian, it took me some time to figure out why there was such a reaction to "the machine", but I think I got it now. Машина (mashina) = the/a machine Мужчина (mushina) = the/a man I guess with this guy's accent, the way he pronounced "машина" sounded almost the same as "мужчина". And saying "Я мужчна!" = "I'm a (real) man!" earned him the respect of the mafia.

“They’ve alerted the police” panik “Don’t worry, I talk to police for both of us” kalm “He cracks a bottle of vodka” PANIK

The fact they are making this a movie I can't wait

I wish they made a movie of this

If this were literally ANYWHERE ELSE I wouldn't believe a single word he said, but this is Russia we're talking about.

I once saw Bert with the Pope. Some guy turned to me and asked, "Hey, who is that guy standing next to The Machine?"

My favorite thing is his comfort with being out of his shirt. This is the opposite if shame. Bert thanks