I grew up surrounded by narcissists. My family of origin is full of narcissists! I am no contact to save my mental health. Toxic people are everywhere!!!
I guess that's easier than trying to cut off one parent. In some ways, my brother doesn't deserve to lose his only sister, but in another way, he has just sided with my mum and dad and supported them in their bizarre entitlement to hurt me. It's a tough one because he is my sibling, he didn't owe it to me to parent me. And he's too caught up in the family system to see things objectively. But every time I see him he lets it be known that he holds me responsible for the estrangement and that mum and dad are the victims....
@@SusanaXpeace2u I am so sorry to hear that. I went through the same thing with my siblings and narcissistic, evil mother. I was always blamed for all of our family Issues. I took myself out the equation for years and when I went no contact, with them all, there was still problems. My siblings and I grew up hating each other but with research, counseling and these videos, we see who the real problem is and we’re tighter than ever. Nobody talks to my mom now and she now is saying that we’re toxic 🤦🏾♂️
My favorite lie was a big one in self-help, 'if you change the way you react, they will be forced to change'. That is so unbelievably untrue for narcissists, if anything they get much worse.
Yeah that statement doesn't really apply to a covert high-functioning neglectful narcissist. It's not a life. It's a death sentence your not even aware of till your late 40s if you're lucky enough to live that long then find out all your relatives and especially your own mother are high functioning covert neglectful narcissists that stole a beautiful home in Western Washington on 75 acres of land covered in second generation trees mostly large Douglas Firs and cedars oaks and alders 5 acres of pasture a home a barn autos etc (temperate rainforest). And a couple of other homes. Meanwhile I've been on a tiny tiny VA pension barely surviving since 1999 and the the mother who retired 10 years ago to the lap of luxury in her and her husband's huge brand new home and adopted a a baby in 1993 and treated that one like gold. I live in total poverty, suffered my whole life. My relatives are demons and extreme cowards especially my mom. God bless anyone affected by these kind of people
When you are 5,8,9 years younger than them I don’t take any blame. They taught me how to see myself and I’ve been unlearning their view and learning to actually love who I am thanks to their treatment of me.
It's not a life. It's a death sentence your not even aware of till your late 40s if you're lucky enough to live that long then find out all your relatives and especially your own mother are high functioning covert neglectful narcissists that stole a beautiful home in Western Washington on 75 acres of land covered in second generation trees mostly large Douglas Firs and cedars oaks and alders 5 acres of pasture a home a barn autos etc (temperate rainforest). And a couple of other homes. Meanwhile I've been on a tiny tiny VA pension barely surviving since 1999 and the the mother who retired 10 years ago to the lap of luxury in her and her husband's huge brand new home and adopted a a baby in 1993 and treated that one like gold. I live in total poverty, suffered my whole life. My relatives are demons and extreme cowards especially my mom. God bless anyone affected by these kind of people.
Yes but they accuse you of running and you are actually trying to make sure you don’t get killed. These people are not well and very delusional. They actually think they are good people and so do the people around them. Only the scapegoat can see it. And we are portrayed as crazy and often go crazy….
I realized something recently. I performed very poorly in high school and college academics. I ended up dropping out of college and moving as far away from my family as I could. It makes sense now. My father was an intellectual bully. He was very threatened by my intelligence. Performing poorly in school was, in part, a strategy for not upstaging him and triggering his abuse and fragile ego.
That is dreadful, I got good school reports and my parents told me it was because the teachers just felt sorry for me. They went on parents evenings and lied about what the teachers said about me. The reason was I think, my adopted sister was doing badly and she wasn't popular, no friends, not even now!! It's never too late to continue your education, you should do it!!
I failed in my 7th grade it's mostly a multiple reasons with a conservative teachers at play. But my parents didn't lose the opportunity to make me feel like I have lost my life they belittled me compared to a relative who from my idea has been scapegoated by the family. I will end up as a failure like him. I hope to move out soon I'm 25 now never been employed.
@@davidflinch4139 I almost failed high school my parents attached all my worth to it they turned their back on me psychologically but not physically so now they say I'm crazy if I feel rejected it's constant gaslighting etc...
All I needed was the tiniest bit of self belief to keep me going, I discovered I was being gaslighted at the age of 12 and at 14 I outgrew my parents and did self defence classes, secretly. I learned to keep my life outside the family home and my life at home completely separate. I also had a secret savings account, only my best friend knew about it and he kept the savings book at his home. But although it was a long time go, I'm still a bit angry about my treatment. In those days nobody even thought about narcissism or knew about it. I genuinely thought nobody would believe me if I complained. It's terrible to think that with the knowledge and treatment available today there are still young kids kids going through hell.
The never ending cycle of narcissistic abuse will go on forever as long as people behave/learn the way they do.. I too grew up in a narcissistic family.. gaslighting & manipulation becomes the real 1st language behind the main language you speak based on your location.. lies are constant on an everyday/hourly basis.. your reality becomes so distorted from such a young age.. your mind corrupts with corrupted thoughts non stop while you are still growing.. it takes a tremendous effort to disengage & de-attach from them to find yourself.. you should be happy you learned this in your teen years.. that is a power source in itself of motivation to keep you going.. having so much awareness so young.. know that millions of people worldwide are just starting to learn about this.. narcissism.. & there are even more millions who are completely oblivious to this.. & god knows how many who couldn’t care less.. internet of today or no internet of yesterday.. you found a way out of this hell without it’s help.. it’s the intentions.. the motives.. the desire.. to choose your destiny.. rather than be handed your destiny.. or settle for your predetermined destiny.. a powerful mind is flexible.. a weak one is stubborn.. hard headed.. “You have power over your mind, not outside events. Realize this, and you will find strength” - Marcus Aurelius
@@Unkn.9wn I stood up to my narc mom my entire life and suffered greatly for it. Now I'm 26 and have zero tolerance for her **** and she knows it so she plays nice, afraid to lose me forever.
@@iPostiPodiEatiYuri Not really so smart, but I was desperate. I left home at 18 and joined the army. I didn't know anything about NPD, I thought maybe they were going through a bad patch and they would get over it. But I didn't ever trust them again, it didn't matter that they were trying to be friendly after I left, that made me feel nauseous. I never lived anywhere near them again. Maybe what made it easier was that they weren't my natural parents, I believed that they had no right to treat someone else's child so badly and they truly believed they had ownership of me. I wasn't so perfect after I left home, I was more interested in having a good time than thinking about an army career, it took me a few years to grow up and settle down.
Great insights, however I would argue that narcissists are not rare like you say, but are very good at deceiving and hiding their abuse and most people prefer to ignore and excuse their moments of wickedness.. the red flags. As you know, most people other than the target victim will believe the narcissist is a fun person. This is a pervasive problem... not rare at all.
I'm inclined to agree. There are degrees of harm done and degrees of the absence of self-awareness in a narcissistic person, but unless being raised by a narcissist simply pre-disposes one for narcissistic relationships (which I'm sure it does) it seems to me that narcissists are nearly the majority!!
@@TejubescDM Well, according to the Bible.. the majority of the world at large are narcissists... if you believe the Bible is true which I do. I'm not saying the majority are cold blooded criminals but are likely to enable them because they like them.. they have the same spirit. It's a spectrum.. there are degrees to which a person gives themselves over to evil, and if they don't turn to Jesus they will likely be a criminal in some way or another.. directly or indirectly. We know these creatures work together, and infiltrate and they deceive. They bond over scapegoating and harassing anyone who doesn't share their spirit(s) aka demons and the scapegoat is usually a Child of God who has the holy Spirit, that if the narcs had, they wouldn't love and choose darkness. They reject God and so they are just wide open to be used by the devil whether knowingly or not. This is a spiritual war, and there really are more of them than there are of us. It's not an esoteric thing but very real, and the ignorance is largely what allows them to do so much harm. The fear of the Lord is to hate evil, and yet the world would have us believe evil isn't even real and we just need to love more.. when loving evil is what gets people abused and devoured. And it's hard to understand how any narcs ever actually get diagnosed.. because they think they are perfect and are not the ones who seek therapy. They aren't hurting ..as so many of them love to ignorantly perpetuate how "hurt people hurt people" and it's just not true.. they enjoy doing evil and it's worldly rewards.. stealing, killing and destroying is how they thrive. They hurt others to keep from experiencing the pain that could transform them into a real person.. they are weak cowards who can't tolerate humility or truth and that is why they generally don't change. They live in fear of man rather than of God. The devastated and confused victims are the ones who seek help and answers.. justice, yet rarely ever find it because most all therapists are not trained in trauma but disorder so they are, in my humble opinion, misdiagnosing a tragic number of people and many are narcs as well... doing unimaginable harm. as they retraumatize and perpetuate the systematic scapegoating of the innocent and best of people, while society just takes their word as gospel. They probably do have it all completely backwards if you think about it. Honestly, after what I've been through I can't argue with that theory.. the narcissists are probably closer to about 98% of the population.. or higher, and it is good people who are extremely rare. Any position of authority where there is power imbalance has high potential for being occupied by a narc.. including mothers, which society gives a free pass and that makes them among the most dangerous of all. Health care and law enforcement attract the most narcs because of this power and yet the majority of the population treat them like gods even when they murder lots and lots of people.. what could go wrong?
I find myself becoming angry that these people did this to me. I've never been angry before. I never could understand why people who hated me so much wouldn't let me leave home at 15 (I had a job lined up far away). It was like I had to serve a sentence until I was 18, and by then the damage was so bad. Maybe it's just another healing stage but why on earth would they think it acceptable to destroy the lives of others? I just hope that with awareness this won't happen to as many young people. Such a waste of potential. I'm 57 and know now that my whole life was based on manipulation by others for their own gratification. I don't even know if I even have a real personality, I spent my life trying to be good enough for them.
Anger is a process. If it turns up, allow it to surface, because stomping it down inside only leads to it getting worse and taking longer to get through. Narcs have no conscience or empathy. They are the one's deficit, not their victims. They only think of themselves, even when holding on to victims so they are without supply and alone with themselves with no family scapegoat to mess up, which is their worst nightmare...being alone or with only their own kind. If you can, try to find someone who can help you through it, or do as this video concludes and realise that you did what you could do, and you got through. Accept what they are/were, and don't expect them to be how you'd like them to be. Just be glad you're not like them, that's why you were chosen. Your strength and abilities they couldn't completely steal from you. They couldn't cope with one hour, day or week with what you survived through. You are strong. Grieve for the life you missed out on, then be kind to yourself. You were good enough. But they wanted what you were and replaced you with them in their minds. You never lost yourself. That's how you survived. You were just on hold for a while.
I've been ten years try to fix every thing for them, stressed, burnout, and always feeling like not enough, depressed, and suicidal.... Navigating my family problem is harsh, idk rn, i'm confuse, and i have many unfinished obligations thanks to self sacrificing attitude towards my family.... I'm confuse, whether i have to focus on myself, back to learn and finish all my book, or dealing again with family drama, make those family neglected store and assets to selling again and making money.... Thinking this all alone make me angry at myself and suicidal
When I was in my twenties and everyone else was getting their education and good jobs and decent relationships, I gladly patted myself on the back when I got over my bulimia and my alcoholism and stopped smoking cigarettes. If I accomplished the least little thing it felt like I had moved a mountain. But it did not look that way to others. In my later years it causes more pain that I accomplished so little compared to others. This video is helpful. It is so validating to hear Jay actually call it out with all the details.
Ya I have quit crystal meth, cigarettes, video games, online blackjack, and a coping strategy - paperwork. I also did it all by myself with little to no celebration. Maybe many of us have a hidden skill set here? Perhaps that skill set involves weaning.
Yup, already stopped for 4 years of smoking, relapse again as a way to stop trauma and body response to Narcissist..... It's hard to stop smoking when your friends always suggest you with cigarettes
The Insidious effect I experienced was I deserved it and for years believed I was intrinsically evil. I'm 68 and only understood narcissistic abuse a few years ago
Same here. I’m 59 and had a nasty father. Bullied as a teenager. Married a narcissist wife. On my own now. My children speak to me every other day so I didn’t pass on the narcissist shadow to them. Never been happier. Everything jay said is spot on.
My evil parents told me I was the devil and I should K1LL myself…when I was badly injured by first a doctor then in a gang assault. That’s projection on their part and now I see it clearly. I was living with two demons from Hell who should have killed themselves.😮
As a child I was abused but didn't realize something wasn't right until around the age of 16. I have to say I always had a happy spirit when not around the narcissistic circus. That spirit and knowing deep inside I am a good person is what allowed me to survive.
Feeling guilty and a bad person are the results of my upbringing,I was raised by two narcissistics parents, now that I understand about narcissism it all make sense and I'm feeling that I'm starting to heal.
If you had a narc parent there is WAY more chance than 1% that you will end up with a narc spouse. Probably the MAJORITY of children with a severe narc parent will wind up in a narc abusive romantic relationship because YOU DO NOT KNOW NORMAL, you have never been trained to recognize or develop boundaries, you have been trained to be a doormat, you do not know what unconditional love is, and may have never experienced love at all, and you are so starved for affection you are likely to attach too soon. So the statistical odds of encountering future narcs go up exponentially with the number of narcs you were exposed to in your early years.
Yes. It's all so mixed up. I'm 57 years old, only been recovering for two years. I've come a long way, but I really have no clue how to 'be' or who I am even. My whole life was focused on trying to please the hateful people. I know that who they made me be was not my natural persona. Everything- clothes, hobbies, jobs- none of it was my own personality.
Yikes… that’s why you go to therapy for years before entering a serious relationship like that! At least for my experience. You gotta focus on your life, something that seems foreign coming from narc abuse ESPECIALLY if your parent(s) were one. Lots of therapy, and focusing on oneself. This is your life! You deserve love.
@@beans9019 Twenty-thirty years ago narcissism really wasn't talked about. Most people enter serious relationships in their 20's and therapy costs a lot of money. Now it is available for free in university. That was not the case decades ago. There are many older adults who are just now realizing the extend of the damage and have not had the resources to help them. Even now, for a middle age person, therapy can be prohibitively expensive in the country where I live.
With all due respect their percentage is way higher than the academics believe. Though I could literally weep hearing you saying this because I simply managed to just survive all my life....
I'm not so sure. It's not a life. It's a death sentence your not even aware of till your late 40s if you're lucky enough to live that long then find out all your relatives and especially your own mother are high functioning covert neglectful narcissists that stole a beautiful home in Western Washington on 75 acres of land covered in second generation trees mostly large Douglas Firs and cedars oaks and alders 5 acres of pasture a home a barn autos etc (temperate rainforest). And a couple of other homes. Meanwhile I've been on a tiny tiny VA pension barely surviving since 1999 and the the mother who retired 10 years ago to the lap of luxury in her and her husband's huge brand new home and adopted a a baby in 1993 and treated that one like gold. I live in total poverty, suffered my whole life. My relatives are demons and extreme cowards especially my mom. God bless anyone affected by these kind of people
@@russellm7530 I'm relatively young and see the light, once you see how discreetly evil and dark hearted the narcissists in your life are a switch flicks. I know I have to no go contact and I will as soon as I reach graduate school. By the point I'll be sufficient and there would be no reason to continue keeping them in ny life. I won't make the mistake of extending my relationship with these cowardly calloused people, I'll gladly let them figure out their various deep rooted issues on their own
@@russellm7530 I an sorry to hear your story and it's crazy how much they try to control us just because we are stronger than the and see the world in a different more optimistic way. God bless you and stay strong I hope you're doing well
Well to paint a broader brush ,,, narcissism has been in existence since well ,, narcisise, the Democratic Party in America are a shining examples of what narcissism to the masses look like , the media ,, manipulation , intimidation , domination , we are surrounded
@@burkaboy1 both sides I believe. Politicians are self motivated, anything to get a vote. It’s rare to find a genuine politicians that stand for the people. Maybe one day someone will run this country right with the people in mind.
Yes. I call it turning up the dial. The more you fight back, the more you lose A ten year old, no matter how hard they try, can never stand up or out do their narcissistic abuser
I can totally identify with the concept of starting below zero. Working with a therapist, a few years ago, I finally came up with a way to state this in relationship, as, 'I feel unworthy of a husband who is my equal.'
Wow. That's so well put. And it explains why I started out in new relationships feeling relatively confident and worthy but as soon as they got to know me at all, I lost that feeling and I felt like I was behind the starting block.
There were times in middle school, where life was unbearable, not just at home, but at school and in the neighborhood, and I really felt like ending it all. All that kept me going, aside from not having the nerve to off myself, was that I had my freedom in adulthood to look forward to. It came a bit earlier than planned, but the day I got out on my own was exhilarating!
Being the scape goat is a backwards BLESSING. PROFOUNDING HURTFUL, Rips ones soal away from your chest. BUT-BUT- THANKFULLY IT HAPPENED. kept my now 21yr old son away from the shit show, since he was never exposed to that crap , he can spot unhealthy people and have zero tolerance for them and doesn't lose one second of sleep
Another issue with scapegoats in that we struggle to keep our emotions alive. The soul stealing narcissists have been working tirelessly to take our joy and we cling to it so hard, that it becomes almost like a death to put aside emotion and focus on something. It seems to me like the truly successful people in the world are the ones who can shut off their emotions and focus. And for decades that to me was almost a mirror of what the narcissists would do. And I not only didn't want that, I feared it.
1 minute in and this is the video that I have needed to hear my whole life. I always felt frustrated with myself for how I survived, and nobody understood why I felt the way I felt. 34 years and now this video comes out! Thank you Jay!
I notice that biological bullies in the narc system I grew up around often do this--actually telling the scapegoat "what is the constant, you" "why do people always do this to YOU" and other victim blaming.
Myfather was a Dark Tetrad Narcissist who sadistically scapegoated me until he died when I was almost 39 years old. The only way he got away with it was that I had suffered a horrific concussion in the Fall of 1963 that made me very dizzy for 37 years. The tiny rock in my left inner ears semi circular canals went back into place 20 years ago this month. The other reason I chose to endure it was that my mother's eyes bugged out of her head whenever I asked to talk to him. Survival at all cost is what you must adopt as your strategy if you or the ones you are protecting have no way of fighting back safely. Thank you Dr. Reid, you are incredibly good at explaining the concepts you delve into for us. I will always appreciate your work more than you know.
Sometimes I think my mum isn't quiiiite a narcissist and I feel bad listening to these clips, but then bam, as you say here, it was *precisely* my trying to draw a line on them calling me paranoid (repeatedly) that caused their anger with me. ie, my *not* not accepting that I'm worth less. They feel victims of me now because I won't accept that I'm worth less and that I will not accept their entitlement to label me paranoid (and difficult and sensitive, and now apparently, ''stressed"'!).
I used to think that too. That I was making things up about my mother. Then I started a list of hurtful things she's done to me. Over a few years of writing, remembering things she did to me in childhood, things she still attempts, the list is well over 100 events long. If ever I doubt her evil intent, I just read a few items on my list. Goodbye to my own guilt. May you be free of your own self doubt quickly. It's playing right into their hands when you feel bad and doubt your own knowledge and experience 💖
They pathologize our emotions, in their attempt to keep us in a state of ‘serene compliance.’ Emotions are NORMAL. It’s okay to express anger when you feel someone is lying to you or taking advantage. It’s okay to cry if you feel hurt or overwhelmed. Narcs try to make it seem like there is something wrong with us for expressing normal emotions.
That's so accurate. All you can do is respond to the moment and whatever is being thrown your way/planned for that moment or day or scenario. There is never any resolution available to the scapegoat. Very traumatizing.
We can just find support online with other scapegoats that's literally all we have and maybe if we're lucky developing relationships with really healthy people as time goes on 🙏
I simply didn’t know, I just figured it was better to go along than face the wrath. I wasn’t really trying to please anyone, I was just avoiding conflict with the narcissist. I didn’t even know that narcissism was a psychological condition until I saw a psychologist. I didn’t want to believe it for like 3 years but kept listening and then reading about it. I finally realized after questioning myself over and over that I had basically been asleep my whole life. I was a zombie. For real. I didn’t even know I could set boundaries.
Good for you Kearie 😊👍 the criticism we get for being in these relationships just embeds that sense of 'I'm responsible for everything' including my own trauma, just like the car crash analogy Jay gave, I realise I believe myself to be responsible for every bad thing that's happened including stuff like my cats cancer (maybe I fed him wrong etc). I see now how this is a side effect of the ptsd
I get confused by this paradigm because I most certainly did NOT submit to my scapegoat role and I remember having a very clear understanding that I was being mistreated. I started fighting back young, around 6 or 7, and it gradually increased until puberty when I became completely belligerent toward both parents. Despite this, the message that I was defective and broken still made it to my core and I don’t understand how that happened. I feel like I failed myself. I feel like if I had been more humble than the abuse would have affected me less. I guess it proves how we criticize ourselves no matter what path we chose. The fact that no one ever mentions victims fighting back also makes me worried that something is wrong with me.
It took me years to gather the strength to fight my narc Mom, with the result that I was discarded, left for dead in hospital, and disinherited. When I realized my husband was also a narc (albeit different tactics with his abuse) I was even more vocal. Result was physical, financial, verbal and emotional abuse and a huge smear campaign and a divorce with severe financial damage. I don't beat myself up for not fighting back more, but I applaud myself for having the courage to fight back at all. Narcs do NOT pick fights that they have a chance of losing. The cards are stacked against you from the get-go to the point that many can't or won't fight back. The very fact we did, and LIVED to tell the tale is worth celebrating. I am PROUD of us!!!
We're kinda like... positive pyscopaths. We fought back and are able to defend ourselves. Get your self esteem from a God and you'll be complete. A fearless bad ass warrior you are. 😁
I suspect that we are innately aware of our value, but how we can help but internalize the way we are treated by our parents? I think it's unavoidable. I find myself often feeling very confused and almost fighting with myself. 'Am I valuable? Am I likeable? Am I loveable? I THINK I am, but if so, then why ...?' Not easy to get sorted out!
Wow, I feel the exact same! The not understanding how I could recognise it and yet it still made it to my core, I also feel like I failed somehow. I’ve also felt like the fact that I could recognise it and fight back means I’m not a victim somehow, but then I also know I couldn’t recognise being a victim or feel like one and survive it, mixed feelings.
What you say makes so much sense. I was raised by a narcissistic mother. My brother was/is still the golden boy who is also a narcissist and continues to use me as the scapegoat, even though my mum has softened in her old age. All my life successes I have had to down play. I have a successful and loving marriage, two lovely, brilliant daughters, I 've had a very successful career as a lead teacher, I have a masters in integrative psychotherapy - yet I down play all these things to a huge extent. NOW I KNOW WHY - my light daren't shine brighter than my mums r my brothers. My father died an alcoholic.
You bring this subject like one of your parents was JEALOUS of you. Some kids are not just scapegoats but have promise everything the Narc/BPD parent could never be & therefore need to be torn down as a threat. I was a threat to my mother & therefore her scapegoat.
Thank you for posting this video. During my adolescence years, I was not aware that my mother was narcissistic. I knew that I was treated differently from my other siblings, but went along with what other family members had said about my mother was that she was strict. But when my mother started telling me what goes on in her household cannot be repeated to others and when I wasn’t allowed to have friends or have sleepovers. Made me start to take a step back to analyze my situation. Again, not knowing that I was dealing with a narcissist, but my rebellious attitude seem to save me in many occasions to avoid being punished. I guess in my own way, I did standup to my mother and I believe the biggest wake up for her was when she tried to challenge me and she put her hands on me and she quickly learned that I was just as strong or stronger than her and that’s when she backed off from me. Although behind my back, she smear campaign me and I currently have no relationships with any of my relatives on my mother’s side of the family as they all think I am disrespectful and mean towards my mother and that is not the case. If I do speak to a relative they act like flying monkeys and immediately report to my mother about our conversations to keep her informed of what I am doing because we are not speaking. I have been no contact with my mother for the past 14 years and during my adult life, I have had no contact off n’ on for 5 to 10 years at a time, hoping that things would change, but they don’t. So, this time, I’ve decided to stay, “No Contact” forever.
Wow. You know, I had cut contact with my mother from time to time all my life, not knowing that it was in my own self protection. I just thought I 'couldn't get along'. Screwed up families.
I remember thinking as an adolescent and young adult that it was not okay for me to do and say the exact same things my siblings did and said. I’m the youngest of four. I was raised listening to them swear at each other all the time. I absorbed it and tend to swear when I’m frustrated or stressed. They all make me out to be a total scumbag for swearing. They claim that they’ve “grown out of it but that’s bull because I’ve heard them all swear multiple times especially while playing games. F them all.
I’m permanently no contact with the Biotch that called herself a mother too, since 2015. I put up with more evil from her than anyone would and I just couldn’t believe what she was saying and doing. I knew that phone call was the last phone call. I’m happy I dumped her as she was getting dementia and about to die I think too. She was only ever there to abuse me so I didn’t want to be around for her either.
I'm scrolling down to comments to find many people have suffered what i experienced. Both of my parents were emotionally unstable and dysfunctional raising me as a child. My parents divorced and separated abruptly when I was 3 years old. My mother took full custody of me and my siblings. Still today she is a hardworking mother and the provider, but she suffers with a lot of pain, and I am her scapegoat. She is narcissistic and tends to be frightening. It depends on her day & mood. She will ignore me abruptly or randomly would want something from me. She never ask about me. I am so thankful that I have realized that it was never me, but my unfortunate upbringing. Nevertheless, It has made me into a very strong person that doesn't give up and wont give up. I would like to give some advice. Be vocal about your true feelings. Follow what your heart wants, not your mind. Speak out truthfully. Do not do what does narcissistic person want you to do. Do what YOU want to do. Be persistent with your path, show strength. Create a deeper relationship with God. Find someone that will support you and that is willing to heal with you. Do your hobbies and find ways to continue to grow. Much compassion and love everyone.
Because sometimes we don't survive. I had a heart attack and a near death experience when I was only 33 years old, and 15 years later my son died. Make no mistake this kind of lovelessness and cruelty can be fatal. With this in mind, "any means necessary" might be an overstatement. From my experience with my son, I would not suggest heroin.💕
Amazing!! I survived my narcissist mother. She needs to feel loved by those in her universe and loved more than anything else that person could love. She needs to feel like she is chosen as the most important. The abuse by her, looking back, is so obvious but at the time...I used an emotionless face. One time she destroyed every photo and keepsake she had of me and thru it all in a pile, shoved me up against a wall and got in my face to tell me how worthless I was...I wouldn’t look at her. I kept my eyes shut the whole time...cause to her looking at her and not speaking up was compliance. I don’t know how I had this feeling in me that she was wrong...but I wouldn’t let her take that from me. I survived because I just had this innate belief that her way wasn’t a legitimate way to get love. I can’t say I ever knew the right way....just that her way was wrong. And people have asked me why she treated me this way as if I must have been a bad kid but I didn’t drink, I didn’t so drugs, and graduated HS shortly after turning 15. I was a nerd. I was just a nerd that didn’t play her game starting around age 14. Our relationship deteriorated for the next 17 years as I looked back and wanted answers for some of her behavior (like making me live on my own from the age of 14). I cut her out of my life when I became pregnant. I realized she was never going to stop and I am not willing to risk my kids being manipulated by her. I’ve knee jerked the other way to be completely against labeling people in a way that sets a behavioral expectation. Like I never say, “you are my son and you’ll do what I say....” if I need to get my sons to change their behavior. Instead I’ll say, “kids name...I heard you call your brother a name, I also see you frustrated. Can you tell me if you do feel frustrated?” I then explain feeling frustrated is actually okay, it’s not a negative feeling but how we react can turn into a negative thing. That feeling frustrated is our queue that there is probably a communicated issue going on or the other person is receptive to our message. And I encourage him to find ways to communicate that positively handle uncomfortable emotions. I want them to think independently, critically, and weigh what their ultimate end goal is. Is it to get your brother to give you the remote or to have a relationship with his brother where they both feel respected.
I can relate. I think those times when they really made a point of trying to destroy our psyches, it was because they could see that light that is still there in us. They tried to extinguish that light that is in us, because they themselves didn't possess it. By the way, I'm not a spiritual person, so when I say light, I'm actually talking our own respective intestinal fortitude. I know I have it and it really sounds like you do too. I think you're awesome. Peace.
Extremely interesting take! My father was narcissistic with rage issues. It drove me so much to do well in school, and join extracurriculares to get out of the house. I had a lot of ambition to go to college far away despite being the first in family to go college. I do agree that my desire to get away from my family, and thinking I was less than DROVE ME A LOT. I went to an Ivy League graduate program, to prove I could do it, and he still didn’t care 🤦♀️ Anyway it’s all for me now, not them 🙃
You have a very accurate description of the workings of these dysfunctional families and horrid narcissistic parents that I find triggering . Years of being told that I was a 'rotten good for nothing' among many other things - which actually described themselves to a T- had left me with no self esteem or confidence . They achieved their goal in this sense . One of my greatest lifelong fears was the they had been right . Of course my covert narc husband has always told me that I should have fought back , told them off etc etc effectively blaming me for their behaviour as you mention .
You’re right; your parents were projecting their crap onto you! Don’t believe them!! It’s because they were afraid of the strength they saw in you. They knew you would threaten them with the truth by outshining them, so they decided to squash you as best they could. It’s all a load of false crap that has NOTHING to do with your true nature, the true self you came here to be! They don’t decide your true identity; you came in with that, and they can’t take it away from you! They can make you forget it temporarily, but you can also remember it and scrape the crap away, and shine again! I’ve been through this same s**t. My mother was afraid of my natural self when I was little, and embarked on a campaign of abuse and emotional neglect to make me feel as bad and worthless as she felt. It worked for a long time, but now I’m remembering more and more that I came to be myself, and shine brightly. You did, too! Have courage; your true self is still there and still recoverable. Blessings to you! 💗 🙏
I do feel absolutely frustrated and that there is no justice for the trauma and abuse from him and his mother. The stories, deflecting and gaslighting just make you wonder if they actually believe it themselves, is that their actual reality? Unfortunately when you coparent with someone like this the abuse just continues through that connection and feels like you are never really free and the kids aren't either.
Oh Dear Jay, how good it feels to finally have someone understand what I went thru as a kid! You're so on target, it's like you were right there in my childhood! Your acknowledging my experience is a godsend. You are life-saving! I thank you so very much🧡🧡
Wow. Thank you sooo much! This is literally the first video which has validated my survival mechanism. Most of the people who haven't seen narcissistic abuse cannot understand this. It takes away a lot of guilt that I have buried inside me for a long long time. Thanks again.
Yes, the comment about the Trojan horse strategy rings true. Very insightful. I hope everyone moves away from the coastal areas and away from cities at this time in history.
Thank you for posting these videos. The comments make me feel that I am not alone. I often find it hard to genuinely connect with the people around me because being the scapegoated child is not an easily relatable experience and is not easy to talk about or share. The qualities that get you to where you are (strength, resilience) are in spite of insurmountable amounts of abuse. It’s hard to comprehend that reality for most people
As a kid, I just plain did not know there was anything but abuse. Now grown up, I so hurt seeing it all more clearly. I really could not speak for myself as a kid.
I love your videos so much! As a child of narcissistic parents and having replayed those relationships often it helps so much to have these dynamics so superbly diagrammed and articulated. Thank you.
....thank you with so much gratitude....one remark I wanted to make with the law of attraction thing it further made me blame myself for my negative beliefs with the abuse.
I was became the scapegoat in elementary school and easy target. I found out that I was abused emotionally and mentally by my peers and teachers. I was angry and hurt because I can't believe that that make me look like the troublemaker. My mom didn't believe me and didn't understand why I am the way I become today. I ended up becoming a loner, moody person, isolating myself from other people, struggling with trust issues and low self-worth.
just by the title, yes, they drugged me, left me for dead, i weaned, 3 years of evolving, waking up my brain, no longer a zombie. and no problem, i am dead to them. they live and are loved by me at a distance. solitude is my life, was how I grew in childhood. i only deal with real folks now. happy evermore, breathing and smiling. difficult people was my reality. never again. thank you, value in your words, perspective how affected is mine i feel healthy. thanks again
Another great message Jay, thank you. Just the fact that we survived it by whatever means, that's powerful. We did what we had to do. By pushing forward, and working on healing, we slowly start to gain insight into how it happened, where it all started, and how we could have done better, but it does no good to dwell there. We apply that knowledge to current situations and keep moving forward, knowing we are strong and doing the best we can.
Amen! The final straw one year ago before I went no contact with my toxic siblings was my brother-in-law asking me why I didn't handle my (narcissistic) mother differently when I was 12. When I responded I was a child, he replied "so".
I came into a relationship with a narcissist 12 years ago. I suffered much abuse for over a decade before I'd had enough. I ruminate about this, often feeling so terrible about allowing any of it. Thanks for your video.
My experience of having 2 narcissistic parents is that I 'gave up' at age 6. Not sure what i mean by this but i have been disgnosed with cptsd/bpd, have no sense of self or direction in life, dont know about friendships or relationships at all really and feel like an unformed mass. I only have contact with people if i have to, apart from my daughters. I am trying to connect with my defeated child but cannot yet resurrect that will to live. It bewilders me that others who have been abused seem to have still managed to chart some sort of their own course through life, as it were, whereas i have been completely codependant and only feel 'bad' feelings (i mean i am glad they have been able to have a life but why havent I?) Does this make any sense at all? Do you have any understanding or advice for me? And i still dont really understand what the abuse did to me. Someone once said to me that i know nothing. And i think they were and are right. Your videos have a depth of understanding and explanation that i sorely need. Thank you.
@Karen Mackay I hear you. Speaking for myself, I was able to "chart a course", and follow through. Until, life showed me in many unwelcomed ways that the course and charter were a charade. Some people (many), use the false-self as long as "it" works. I think that for most, eventually, the price is paid. One climbs the ladder to eventually find that it was placed against the wrong, or false ladder. I wish you well.
34 years of life explained in a 13 minute and 56 second video. The feelings I experienced watching this. So anger but powerless anger at the years and damage I lost. Thank you for your videos.
it baffles me how rare everyone says narcissists and psychos are yet these are the ONLY people who approach me and in my life or who've BEEN in my life what's rare is normal people.
Yes, this is very true. Survivors of narcissistic abuse are very resilient, I see this so much in my personal and professional life every day! Thank you so much for your insights and support! 💜🙏
Thank you! It's very helpful to understand that all the dysfunctional coping mechanism we adopted were to help us *survive*. It speaks to how bad the circumstances really were. "People don't get trauma responses from good enough parenting." - my therapist
This is so good. The way I described it is, when you're in the grip of ongoing injustice...and you cannot control a single element of your existence...and I am 62 and just finally gaining justice from my still-controlling parents...the only thing you can possibly change is yourself! Luckily, (well, not really luck) I am a disciple of Jesus, the Christ, and He makes it His business to change anybody who will ask. I started asking when my grandma was abusing me at my parents' request. God is good. Continue, all of you people on this page!!
I’m so glad I’m able to watch these videos to educate myself, it took me a long time to realize me and my twin sister were scapegoats. I cannot wait till the day I cut all ties with my parents, living in such a toxic environment has taken such a big toll on my physical, mental health. I don’t have a therapist right now, and find these videos very helpful and motivating.
I’m a twin as well, where I was def the scapegoat/truth teller/defender and she was a low-level golden child (dad was so NPD praise was only used to wound another party+Always wanted to be the center of attention).are you two still close? Our different roles separated us despite being best friends throughout childhood which I think I’m done grieving but do you ever really
Thank you Jay. This seemed soo complicated. I guess for those who weren't in it, this may seem too far fetched, but I agree. Yes, tolerance for the way things are and were. It echoed something I learnt recently about myself - I had always judged myself negatively for the WAY I coped with the narcissistic abuse in my family compared to my sister And then I recently heard - but you were coping with it - that was a way to cope and you did it! (very positively said) It turned my critical self judgement on this point, which I have had all my life, on it's head, and made me realise - coping is actually something we can feel good about -even though it was absolutely terrible.
I haven't even finished this video yet. I haven't watched even a handful of your videos yet. But... thank you for your advocacy. You're coming from such an informed space and you are such a brilliant grounded realistic personality.... your advocacy means the world and I hope your message travels far. Thank you so much!!
So thankful for your understanding. One of the hardest parts of “recovery” is not being seen or understood. Thank you thank you for your content and efforts! So appreciate you.
I absolutely love this - you have managed to articulate such a complex psychological process in an intelligible way and with deep compassion. I appreciate it greatly, thank you.
I listened to this 3 times-it is so insightful. I was married twice. One ex said he pitied anyone who tried to control me. The other said people underestimate me at their own peril. My own behaviors puzzle me sometimes too. This video explains it. As a scapegoat, my default position was that of fawning and 'assumes less than zero'. I work very hard over overcome my own perceived deficits. At some level though, I know I have survived much hardship. As my accumulate my triumphs and progress in my healing, I'm more aware of this dynamics and can be more genuine and aware of my authentic self.
Thank you so much Dr Reid for validating our tools we used in order to not just survive but to keep us sane. I wondered for years how I never ended up in a mental hospital. One tactic I used was to hide myself away in a vault of sorts in my subconscious-for 37 years-until the death of my beloved caused the repressed memories to resurface. I’m 52 now and I finally can recall who I am. I fell in love at age 13 with someone who loved me and treated me well-which of course was a threat to my narc female parent and the ‘delicate balance’ for my siblings. So that had to get shut down. When, after two years of manipulation, brainwashing, lies, gaslighting, bearing multiple false witness of him, being threatened, etc., he and I still refused to give up on one another, she resorted to violently torturing me, causing a break in my psyche. My mind was no longer my own afterwards. I effectively “forgot” about my relationship, though now can see that I was calling to him subconsciously all these years. I also repressed the memory of the torture. I’m forever grateful for the short time I had with him, though I lament that he and I were pulled apart so cruelly. He was his own father’s scapegoat, having been brutally beaten at 17, causing him permanent physical and mental damage. I’ll see him again someday. In the meantime, I’m healing, remembering, and living in honor of him and of our love for one another. I believe that is the only thing that has kept me sane. ❤ Gary
Excellent video. I think you severely underestimate the number of narcissists in the population -- especially the current one. Another therapist I listen to estimates it at around 30%, noting that narcissists rarely present for treatment so are vastly undercounted. Extrapolating from the huge number of people who identify with CPTSD and narc abuse online, I think there must be a lot more of them, or else narc parents are having litters of children. :)
Great commentary. I have been scapegoated by dysfunctional family members and daughter in law. Long story. I am currently the scapegoat on my job under the auspices of the current leadership. I am good at my job, dress well and maintaining a healthy weight. It is unpleasant but scapegoats are usually truthtellers, intelligent and successful. Maybe being the scapegoat pushed me to be successful in my well-paying job. I limit my contact with my narcissistic, evil mother and have zero contact with the daughter in law despite not being able to see my grandchildren. My son's in laws, wife and extended family meets criteria for a destructive cult. Fortunately, I have contact with my son but due to the cultic pseudo personality, there is a void and exploitation. He will have to hit rock bottom before he leaves the cult. Sady, my grandsons are being raised in that environment and my mom goes along with this. It is our responsibility to rise above this, realize what is beyond our control and realize that adversity can lead to opportunity but the hard work of heal requires help from a trained professional. Only see a professional trained in narcissistic abuse, cults and trauma or you will be blamed and further abuse.
Again I find my self stopping and replaying your video on repeat. Thank you for giving me words and tools to capsulate what it really meant to live the experience.
I think that narc abuse is more prevalent these days, I don't think narcs abuse is rare.... Great video that validates those of us who grew up with a narc parent
This is very validating! I always wondered, Why me? back then. The reason we shame and blame ourselves is because of that saying that “Life is what we make of it “. I have to remind myself that I was just in survival mode. Instead of the nagging self doubt of Why didn’t I fight back harder? Why didn’t I get the courage to leave sooner? Why didn’t I smother them in their sleep with a pillow?, etc.
Sometimes it is one group against another. People look at your back ground..say things...pick a issue ..sometimes its just the way you appear or act.. When u act brave is when ur at the mist danger. The narc hates that..I worked with abused children.....for a season. Good work anyone in the field will tell u its very tough.
Although narcissists make up a small part of the population, and certainly psychopaths make up an even smaller part of the population, they cause the majority of suffering throughout the world. Rid yourself of all narcissistic and psychopath persons, governments, companies, religions/cults, etc. Make sure you never have them near you. Do not let them creep their way into your life. Continually protect yourself.
