When the scapegoat has to deny their own gifts 

I am a musician and my mother always told me to be quiet and go in the basement to play guitar. I moved away 10 years ago and found a friend who supported me and my music and now I play publicly and just released my third project! 🎉 we do heal

I won a beauty pageant in high school. My talent was singing and I opted to model as a professional woman instead of the swimsuit since we had the option. After being crowned and leaving with my family, we were approached by one of the three judges. The woman congratulated me and said she was happy to see someone my complexion get recognized for my gifts and abilities. She was speaking directly to the colorism in my community. I was the darkest of the contestants. My mother had already been complaining that I sounded just like the artist whose song I chose - like that was an insult. 🤷🏽‍♀️ The judge gave her something new to complain about. My ex husband would always beam from ear to ear whenever he accompanied me when I performed. But, when the people were no longer around to watch him, he was constantly giving me tips and advice on how to be better. He was sad I didn’t aim for the higher note, or do all the rifts he heard in the shower, or behave like him when he performed. I stopped performing around him just so I wouldn’t have to hear his version of help. My mom couldn’t get me to stop performing. I knew one day I’d leave her house (notice I didn’t say home). But I thought marriage was forever and kept truncating pieces of my self just to exist in it. Not to be happy, just to exist. This is what narcissistic upbringings do to us. I’m reclaiming my time and my gifts.

“Moving away from people who mistreat you can feel like shirking your responsibility.” Woooooo 😮‍💨😢 I’m going to have to rewatch this video many many times.

So true. And then we have trouble believing in our abilities because they somehow don't count, even if they are obvious to others.

"The parent does not have a chamber inside them full of love that the child can unlock. If they did, the child would have already received it. But this can only be understood and known with enough distance from the parent."

“The narcissistic parent’s envy, withholding and vindictiveness is seen as a pit stop on the way to something much better”. Hurts to hear, but succinct and true. 😢

This makes me so sad and angry. I feel it in my gut. Anytime I had anything good it was either negative comments, planting seeds of doubt, or a lack of any comment at all. How can someone do this to their own kid? I want my son to have a full and happy life. Heartbroken and furious!

I graduated from chiropractic college at age forty and the folks had the money and the time to attend but didn’t. Neither my older brother or two sisters stepped foot into my office. So after 25 years of practice I get an email from mom stating how arrogant I had become since I got that piece of paper, “my degree.”How much better I think I am than the rest of the kids! I didn’t really know that I was the scapegoat until age 59. I’m 66 now with no contact with those aging selfish narcissistic people.

To this day my narc mother projects my gifts onto her golden child or another sibling. Even literally the gifts I give her she attributes to another sibling.

Finding another person to keep you from sharing your gifts!? Oh, I did! It’s the horror of my existence that I let myself get over-powered emotionally by a man who did everything he could to prevent me from realizing my dreams. Barefoot and pregnant in an isolated place with no car. Just alone with my kids while he went out of state to work. Such a nightmare. I missed out on so much. All I can do now is grieve and try to get a little of what I could have had. But I am no longer young.

One thing I always remember is coming home so excited that I had made the cheer leading squad. The only thing I heard from my mother was I tried out for cheer leading and didn't make it and I even liked basketball. Apparently I didn't deserve it. She never once came to see me and looked at me with disdain every time I wore my outfit for a game. Of course this is just one story of many.

It's unbelievable that a parent may be envious with his/her child. Is so sick, many people should not be allowed to have children.... Thank you for this video, too!

The very first time I challenged my parents instead of reflecting back their rosy view of themselves, I was written out of the family, but yet always blamed for destroying the family.

I have hidden my light under a bushel because my family attacks me when I shine. Not any more. I'm done. Goodbye to caring or trying to make sure they feel good at my expense.

So, to realize what I am good at, I have to find a safe place to discover. I already told my narcissistic mother that I am a fast learner, so I will at least the other talents I have a secret. I do not want to give any information that will be used against me. The less information I give to narcissists, the better.

It really would seem that some children are conditioned to be entitled while others are conditioned to be abused for life... I don't find a lot of in-between.

There were six of us kids born to our parents, who both had problems, but our mother was undoubtedly a terrible narcissist. She repeatedly wrecked her family over the years -- especially us scapegoats -- and she wrecked her own life after the killing of our father, taken due to a vehicle wreck caused by an intoxicated, angry, oncoming driver. When our father was killed, my mother tasked me with pursuing justice, who said she believed I was the only child who could pull it off. I promulgated the argument the prosecutor used to pursue justice. The charge, conviction and sentencing provoked the apprehension of the prosecutor, the D.A., and the judge, because of the lack of precedence. However, the perp was successfully charged, convicted and sentenced. Immediately following the sentencing, the prosecutor gathered family and friends for a conference, to discuss what we should anticipated over the coming years. The prosecutor praised me in front of the entire crowd, encouraging me to run for public office, insisting that I was very gifted. Reflexively, our mother stood up and said, "It doesn't matter what was said in that courtroom, he (pointing to me) doesn't represent the family!" She repeated it twice more. The prosecutor continued the talk with a horrified look, but for the rest of us it was just another day in our mother's life. However, I finally had enough, and I walked away. I spent a lifetime grieving, and suddenly I was done. Life was much better without her in it.

This video prompted me to ask myself, "if nothing I ever did was good enough, where would I find the motivation to excel or trust that I could?"

Yes to all of this. I’m so angry, time for change😡

I am headed home for my Mother's funeral. My brother was the family scapegoat. He will not attend. I will attend the memorial but not a reception. Of course the reception is hosted by the Narc. He will destroy his own party by bad mouthing my brother and me.

One aspect you touched on briefly was the narcissists “punishment“ for any success, talent or competency. It was never enough to deny my positive achievements but my family system revolved around me being put into precarious situations where I was too young or lacked any kind of guidance. Those failures or predetermined judgments were then used as rage fuel to keep me in my place. In my healing the biggest heartbreak come to expect is the role of the enabler parent who stood by, never interceded and would gaslight after the fact. Second to that was being denied a healthy, close relationship with my siblings.

I just realized I have always been offering myself up for others criticism even to the point of blaming myself when I was sexually assaulted. I'm so angry to realize this has been a major part of my life. I feel like I've never been allowed to celebrate my accomplishments. Or when I do share something, I always have to downplay it in some way, so they (my family) knows I'm not trying to be too big for my britches.

Jay, I've watched many specialists in this field for many years and you have a very succinct & compelling manner of describing the experience of people in relationships with narcissists. I think it is because you avoid the normal inflammatory finger pointing & decribe the subtle everyday experiences so well - together with the underlying subconscious patterns that help us understand our lives at a granular level.

I wish i learned this in childhood/college

I swear, every time I watch one of these videos for the first time, I have a “hey, I’m dealing with that right now” moment. Every video is a revelation, and I am continually comforted by them. I am slowly getting my self worth back, investing in myself, and recognising that I don’t bear the responsibility of other’s emotional well being. It’s hard sometimes because it’s easy to slip into old habits. These videos really help. Thank you so much ❤

Thank you Jay, so spot on, twisted yet exactly how it was. As a child I was taught that people who prioritized their own emotional well-being or pursued their interests were "selfish." I was always fascinated by people who I sensed were independent and fulfilled, but whom my mother disparaged as being "immature" and "out for number 1." In reality, the plan was to keep us kids close, dependent and attentive forever. The more distance I gain the more those experiences growing up resemble a cult. So happy, calm and excited about life these days. Opposite of how I used to feel.

I was the family scapegoat to a mother who I wouldn’t describe as a narcissist, but who was addicted to drugs and alcohol. I think addiction has a good degree of narcissism baked into the cake, though. It took me to age 27 to move far away from my family, more than 2,000 miles away. At 35, I’m still harboring fantasies of a loving mother, even though i know intellectually it will and has never existed. I found the most potent healing through Adult Children of Alcoholics. It’s a wonderful program that costs $0, if you’re lucky enough to live near a meeting.

What you said that hit me with a ton of bricks was that the scapegoat child is only appreciated for celebrating OTHERS' gifts, not their own. This point is VERY DEEP. Please make more videos about this point. Thank you.

Got in top ten at school Beauty Contest, on way home I got back, " I can't believe they picked you with all them pretty girls up there; they felt sorry for you!" as my Daddy never attended my stuff. Won Homecoming Queen, to get back, "What did you do to get that; you did something!" Daddy absent, neither EVER mentioned by him or anyone, just Mommie Dearest assuring I'd NOT FEEL the moment! Thank you Jay! You are so appreciated! PEACE to you!

I am an artist. My narc mom destroyed my art in angry rages. When I got to college art classes, I had to fight past a paralyzing fear, just to get my homework done. 😓

I was the family scapegoat and most likely I still am. I no longer associate with anyone but periodically I get an email from my mother. In the last one she stated she was lonely and had thought about me all last night. I told her I was not lonely and there was nothing I could do about her loneliness. I suggested she have a conversation with God about it, not me. I also suggested she watch Joyce Meyer because even though I am not a Christian she gave me very good advice that turned my life around. I told her all healthy relationships are built on respect and until she is ready to grow there is nothing for us. I told her I had changed and the way our relationship was was unhealthy. I learned energy healing to help me heal and I am now starting to share how I did it with others. They are who they are and I have no ill feelings for them. I am on the path to a better life. Thanks Mom for making me who I am. (That is not sarcasm).

I started modeling and doing commercials at 10 yrs old. By the time I was 14, my mother refused to take me to anymore auditions due to her jealousy. She always tried to dim my light by telling me "You might be making other people uncomfortable." Um, YOU are the one who's uncomfortable mom. I'm your child!"

So true. Even having a "gift" like graduating from high school. My father was in a miserable and hostile mood that evening and picked a fight with my mom for forgetting the camera and would not let it go even though my mom apologized over and over again, and I begged him to let it go. My friends all had cameras and I'd get pictures from them later, no problem. But he wouldn't let it go. He just wanted to ruin the night for me same as he tried his best to ruin many things. In his mind he was definitely the only one who mattered. He would say he was "king of the castle." He raised us with the sayings " no one needs God or religion" and "no one needs a college education." I see now it was just to keep himself in "power" and us kids less successful than him. He was a high school dropout and a narcissist, and the more I learn about it, the more sense his horrible behavior makes even to this day. So sad. He's now 88 and I'm 65 and I'm just now really waking up and creating emotional and physical distance from him. And the more I'm able to reconcile the "honor your father and mother" part, the more freedom I'm getting. God doesn't ask us to be ok with being abused over and over. I have a very good life as an adult, but it has taken years of therapy and videos like this to make sense of it all. Thank you, Dr. Reid!

“Suspiciously soon after your achievement” - exactly! And they’ll never admit that their mysterious onset of tantrums, silent treatment and sulking have anything to do with my achievement, but always due to a minor incident they need me to address RIGHT NOW, or they just suddenly got REALLY busy. I recognize the association between my accomplishment and their sulking/victimization yet could never prove it. It was all so slippery and creepy. Then two months later I hear them accepting compliments on my behalf (because people assume that their compliments will be relayed to me) but only let me know half of it later when they happen to remember. They acted like a negativity-enhancing and positivity-reducing filter for me. My parents actually love to save me but needed to keep that throne of competency. There is no secret chamber of all-knowing love inside of them, but a cauldron of seething self-importance, envy and victimization that spews paradoxical behavior.

My little girl’s softball team won the championship - first one ever for me, and I was a heavy hitter, mentioned in the newspaper often. I thought I was finally doing something that would give me the acceptance of my father, who poured out his approval and support on his sons for their sports ability. As my team was celebrating, I looked for my dad. He had exited the stands and was standing with his back to me, watching little league boys play in an adjacent field.

Oh my lands! This is so relevant to me! In my family, I am one of 9 siblings. I have had to practically worship my brothers and sisters for their accomplishments. I ended up marrying a narcissist who abandoned me when I was pregnant with our 6th child. I was devastated, but after about 8 years was able to pick myself up and literally move to central Europe with all 6 of my kids where I studied political science. I made the mistake of (literally one time) saying how proud I was of myself and my kids for having accomplished so much in our 3 years living in Europe. Wow! How the fire fell from heaven!! They lashed out at me so hard and so drastically I am still trying to get over it 3 years later. This is because it hurt so much, (I thought they would be glad for us having overcome the abandonment so well) but also because part of how they lashed out was to try and kick me out of my inheritance while we were overseas. One of my sisters literally started physically shaking in rage and envy because I took my 16 year old to Venice for her birthday as a "poor, single mom" It wasn't fair she said, because she had always wanted to go herself. (She's married to a rich guy and is financially able to go to Venice at any time) But me going just didn't fit the narrative.

This explains the intense fear and shame whenever I get compliments and good feedback on my work. Like having to cut myself down in anyway and give credit to everyone else, but myself. Saving this to relisten as this feeling and reaction has been automatic my whole life. Also a big reason why I procrastinate and freeze. So thankful for your channel.

Your book is the final piece allowing me to decode what happened over 50+ years ago. Therapy in my 30's did not have this piece of understanding the full dynamic of how I was trapped in the abuse but did the wisest thing possible to survive. This is a monumental piece to my healing! THANK YOU!!!

Yeh, the purpose I serve is to make my parents feel good/better than I am.

Also, you have to realize they want you to feel that your opinion, not just your gifts is not as relevant as others in your family.

Thank you, Jaye! You eloquently described why I wasn't allowed to shine my light growing up or "be" anything other than the compliant, obedient scapegoat & was swiftly punished (usually silenced) when my gifts emerged. Trying not to be triggered, but this takes me back to the work it took to hide, prservingly.

It is so terrible and sad to realise all this. I am just like that: I give regognition to other’s achievements but do not consider my own talents. I was taught so. But, I’ve noticed tgat some peopke do not like that I give positive comments about their job. They seem to feel and think that I pretend or something - buy their friendship!? So actually, partly it is so because in that way I pleased my parents and my super-sister. Nowadays, I have diminished to loudly ”applouse” to others so often.

Thank you for this video. This is my story, exactly. It's unfortunate I've only come to understand what was going on, very late in life. I gave up all my gifts as a child, trying to please a mother who would never be pleased. I was a good writer, songwriter, I could sing, my tap teacher told my mom I had what it takes to be a professional dancer, after which, my lessons stopped. I was skipped ahead in school and was chosen out of my class of 150 children to be in an honors program. All of this added up to disdain from my mother and my older sister, who was her "Mini Me." Thanks to a wonderful therapist, I've reclaimed my gifts, now. I dance, sing in a band, and have recorded many original songs on my RU-vid channel. It's never too late, but I hope it's sooner for others, thanks to your gift of these videos that are helping so many!

I don't remember the last time i celebrated my birthday. My mother isolated me all of my life so I never had friends and never had birthday parties. My brother had parties. To this day, I haven't celebrated any accomplishments because I don't know how and don't have any real friends to celebrate with. I promised myself I'd change that this year to celebrate and share my gifts no matter how "small," or simple they may be, they are big for me.

I couldn't understand why I felt so guilty after moving out of my narc mother's house; thank you so much Jay for clearing it up for me. I knew I felt responsible for something all the time I was living with her, but not to the extent it really was. I tried to keep her happy so I wasn't screamed at, or given the silent treatment regularly; but I thought that was just self-protection. I felt guilty that I didn't want her around my house often, didn't really want to call her on her birthday or mother's day, but felt it was expected of me because I was her daughter. Then she would try to guilt me by claiming it had been so long since she'd heard from me; I hated those lackluster, almost embarrassing phone calls! You have been such a great resource for me in gaining understanding of what our relationship really was; thank you!

I had to remain unimportant, unrecognized, unloved, and unprotected. I didn’t sever ties with my mom until I was 34, but since I have, I am unbothered, unashamed, unchained, and unconcerned with her B.S.! It feels so good to be free.

Thanks Jay, this was very painful to hear, it also layed bare, just how much I have been caught in this trauma still. Today I know it wasn't my fault, they weren't my responsibility, and the heart of me is precious. Tears still cascade down my face as I am typing.

I always knew my gift was in the arts, and eventually discovered that I loved pottery. I’m a decent cook and have worked kitchen jobs so I have some professional experience. When I temporarily moved back home with my mother to save some money in adulthood, I began cooking the meals for us. I like cooking, but I don’t LOVE it like I do pottery. I used to spend all my time cooking, cleaning and grocery shopping for her on top of the job I was holding. It should be noted that she teleworked 5 days a week from home during this time. One day I woke up and went “wait a minute, I feel like Cinderella” as a 27 year old man. I also noticed that if I did well selling my pottery or received praise for it recently the silent treatments and tantrums increased tremendously. How I fixed it honestly was to STOP CARING what she thought of me. In fact, with every stride in getting better, I did it with the intention of defying her and embracing that she would be mad. You’re damned if you do, damned if you don’t in this position. So when you’re up to bat (to use your analogy) swing for the fences and make sure to wink at them when you knock it out the park. I was the golden child (only child) growing up and running track in college until I got depressed and dropped out, from then on out I became the scapegoat to not only my mother but my entire mother’s side of the family (they’re all childless besides me). I truly don’t care what they think anymore. At this point, the more they hate me the more I know I’m doing well. Going no contact this year, won’t be seeing them this holiday. Good riddance honestly. ❤ great video

I remember when I was about 14 when I was invited to a party at a schoolfriend's house, whose parents trusted them to have a small party with about 10 friends. I was told by my narcissistic mother to be home by 9:30. I was home earlier than agreed. As soon as I got home, my mother told me she had had to walk down an ice-covered hill near my friend's house, using my grandfather's old walking stick, as it was so dangerous - to see where I was. Yet, I was home earlier than I was told... You cannot win against these people. I went no-contact at age 52, 6 years ago. No regrets what-so-ever, except I didn't do it 30 years earlier. It's not about love or care, it's about their control over you. They will steal your entire life given the chance.

This blew my mind. My narc Dad has never been able to celebrate any of my achievements. Ever, and it made me not able to stand in the limelight to celebrate my own. These people do so much damage to those around them, it's heartbreaking.

Great video, Jay! Thank you! I have an idea for a video: I was my family's scapegoat, and sadly, the rest of my family was very self destructive. My parents both died too soon, and so did my kind but very insecure brother. Now I just have a very narcissistic sister. We don't have extended family (long story). I have built up some good individual friendships, but I struggle with shame over not having family. (I'm married, but my husband and I don't have kids.) I would LOVE to belong to a community of some kind, but I'm not interested in church. I think I struggle more because I feel ashamed of having no family even though I know I didn't do anything wrong. I feel like other people will think I'm weird for this (like I do). If you have any thoughts for scapegoat survivors who want to belong to a community, I think that would make a great video. Thank you for all of your wisdom, kindness, and help!

I was the "most promising sophomore English major " in college. My mother and older brother totally ignored it which ...felt real & just how it should be because I now realize they had ignored everything I ever excelled at.

7:47 eg asking Narc's parent for advice when SG child knows exactly what to do. 11:06 appreciation for being a good slave.

Oh yes…so good to hear all these similarities and one is endlessly able to be manipulated when you feel responsible for other people’s bad reactions/emotions… it played out as adult as well bc I want people to feel good… but that care, with the wrong person, is a disaster because they feel bad just out of EGO (jealousy/envy/wanting to keep you “below” them)! It WAS confusing when your happiness or success makes others angry or sad! Not anymore! As a kid, got the lead in Music Man… I had to go to performance being beaten up before and screamed at on the drive all the way over. They made all of it so incredibly difficult but I still did it. And in jazz choir, same thing… trips coming up they’d try to sabotage by saying you have to do this or that before you leave and never good enough. I still was able to go each time by skin of teeth… like one time running out of house and being tackled to ground and pounded in stomach by my dad but a neighbor saw it and so my mom drove me while screaming at me the whole ride. Or private diary or poetry… nothing was safe or private… one Christmas my mom gave me a book where she had published one of my poems (that I’d hidden in my room) but changed it from romantic to Christian! 🤮 I never wrote poetry again. Also, I couldn’t have friends over because there would be screaming fits , throwing things in front of them… and my dad told me-I heard everything you said (to my friend!)… he’d put a tape recorder under my bed. Later, found out my entire family had been listening to phone conversations on the chordless (it later made sense why they wouldn’t let me talk on a plug in phone, they’d thrown them away! found out after being gaslit with little things that they knew… pretending God had told them… it was so confusing and scary then I caught on when I saw them all gather in my parents bedroom with popcorn, literally popcorn, as I’d just started a conversation on the cordless and briefly come out of my bedroom and saw them… and they shut the door…… it was then I suspected they were somehow listening to my conversation on the cordless phone. And I set up a scenario to catch them-that turned veryyyy bad. Saying I was gonna sneak out but it was a trap and when I did a huge spotlight and tackled and they were angry when I said it’s because I knew you were all listening. I ran away, was caught in barbed wire… police called… and I could hear my dad say to the cop “she’s gonna say we beat her”… when the cop found me lying low caught in the wire… I told them, they are beating me… but nothing was done… he just talked to my dad and basically at least I wasn’t beaten when home that night… I told two pastors in high schools too… no help… I think of the technology available TODAY and shudder for kids in these situations. (I was a kid in the 90’s) … if today’s tech were available the tools of surveillance would have been used in every way. There would have been cameras in every room and they would have put a literal tracker on me. I guarantee kids are being abused like this now. Just like governments use spying/surveillance for control, so do sick parents. Understanding is such an important piece to emotional freedom. I didn’t recognize jealousy/envy because I somehow didn’t have it and still don’t. And the torment didn’t end after hs, that’s for sure. It never does until you get away. And this weird treatment colonizes your mind even apart from them… I love singing and I performed jazz in the military and out of the military and the hardest part--the applause afterwards!!!! And having to deal with compliments because I didn’t want others to feel bad!!! And probably a subconscious feeling that something bad was about to happen… It’s strange bc I’m at a very hard part in my life (directly related to all this/direct sabotage) but it’s not bad… it’s good. Rock bottom but not free falling. Building from here.

100% understand this. Not matter what I achieved - always felt less than nothing. Like a piece of shit my mother stepped on. EMDR therapy is saving my life.

Videos like this get me ramped up and ready to go no contact with my entire family. Then the self doubt kicks in and I start to think that 'I'm making this all up.' Hmm? Whose voice is that I wonder?

Instead of the torment or obsessive thinking about the blame of others in the past and the need for redemption, absolution my mantra is “I choose love. I surrender.”

Thanks Jay - it explains a lot 👍😇💯

I find that sometimes the more spot-on you are the more my brain is trying to distract me from the truth that you're spilling. So then I have to do a re watch, because that scapegoat part of myself is still afraid to hear all your words and accept the truth in spite of knowing it deeply. Very thankful for your focus on the scapegoat of the family. The family tried to dismiss us as much as possible. And it takes a lot of effort to refrain from doing the same to ourselves.❤

This makes perfect sense to why I cannot leave my husband. He has called me unattractive, and a drunkard among many other vulgar words when he berated and degrades me. But my looks and my kind and conscientious behaviors are my gifts. Then when I try to leave him he apologies and cries and begs me not to leave him. And I feel obligated. I feel sorry for him. You said that what can happen after being treated this way as a child, we can learn to take responsibility for others feelings. So it makes sense that that is what has happened to me.

all aspects of a narcissistic upbringing a truely so cruel beyond words.....

This is the most insightful video I have seen on this topic, and I have watched quite a few. It is also the first explanation that truly helps me understand why I have sabotaged myself over and over, for decades. Thank you so much for this.

That story of Sarah reminds me of a lot, and of the reason I always tell my daughter that what she does is great, even though there are flaws. She only needs to have the good stuff reinforced. If there’s anything wrong she fixes it herself. This subject is painful.

@10:10 mins This is a perfect description of my childhood dynamic with my Narcissist mother. My brother was her permanent scapegoat, while I was her sometime trophy, sometime scapegoat because my looks, intelligence and any attention that I'd get would trigger her envy and spite. She mocked me from earliest memory about anything and everything. I was a blue eyed pale blonde in a family of tanned brown eyed and brown haired people, so I stood out from the outset. I strongly suspect that I already had PTSD when I was in 6th grade. I deliberately slowed down in a sprint that I was coming first in so another girl could win, and so I came second. I don't remember anything else of that day. I get chest pressure when I look at my dance class leotard from 5th grade, and my tap shoes. It's a mixture of chest/stomach tightness and deep shame. I have the same feelings when I look at family photos, too, and school photos used to fill me with excruciating shame. I still feel uncomfortable looking at them. My mother would put me in activities where I'd get attention. I wasn't asked, just told I was doing it, so I went along with it without a word. I was an object for her use. A wind up toy dog. She'd like the admiring comments from other parents about me, but at some point her envious rage would be triggered. One time in a dance competition, I was the group leader, and so in the very front. The music started and my brain went offline. I now suspect that this was a PTSD response, and a survival response. I couldn't remember a single step or movement of that routine. I'm a quick learner, so I can only attribute it to long-term psychological abuse from my mother, and my reflexive trauma response. I was somewhat dissociated from my feelings at the time because I don't remember feeling anything except surprise that I couldn't remember the steps all of a sudden. I wasn't ashamed either, but maybe that came later as the rest of the day and the dreaded ride home is a blank in my mind.

Your videos are just perfect. Forever thank you.😇

Wow! You told My underlying story 😮 Im 58 & sober 20 years. I just began the ACA steps now. It’s so intense,this. I’m hopeful now though, in a healthy way. Hopeful in my recovery from this with myself, community of like minded people & a HigherPower- you have been in that community for me. Thank you💝

Thank you for exposing these evil/demonic traits of the narcissistic parent. You're telling my story! How I had to burry my gifts and talents to buy their peace but was never delivered. How sad. However, once the scapegoat wakes up they're Unstoppable!

This is the best video on this issue. It helps me understand all the ways I've denied and suppressed my own gifts. To not matter, to believe love exists where it doesn't, to be and play small, develop laser empathy, all the while upholding the N's emotional well-being are all things to overcome. It's heartbreaking to get how much we uphold for the N as children, and yet getting that we were never loved for who we were is what will set us free.

Thanks so much, very helpful. This is key. To learn how not to sabotage yourself and your gifts or clip your own wings

This video is a balm for what I thought was an oozing wound that would never heal. Thank you.

My mother's envious rage was evident for as long as I can remember. My earliest attempt to find answer of my mental agony was looking for information about jealous mother. It was hard to find anything that put mother in a negative light back then. Thankfully the veil has been pulled back more. I'm so grateful to have found this channel. The information Jay provides explains everything I have been trying to understand for decades. I'm sure many more people can be helped by this information. It's truly life saving and transforming. Thank you Jay!

I am working through the guilt of no-contact, and lower contact with my parents, one narcissistic and one codependent. They both required me to be The Child in the relationship all the time, or they simply didn't want to or know how to engage. So many of these points are maybe more important than they seem - the papering over your own gifts makes it hard to advance in your career, and it's really true about seeking out people who treat you like your narcissistic parent did, because that's what you were taught caring looks like. Thank you for the focus on the scapegoat, Jay, it's been such an important part of my healing!

Oh, man, this video hit a lot of home runs. Reminded me of the time my father refused to attend my graduation for a contrived reason because he couldn't find it within himself to be proud of me for being the first college grad in our family.

First time I have heard an accurate interpretation of why it felt better putting others first, love jays analogy of chamber to unlock for love, realise now it was actually a chamber of horrors.

I am so fascinated that the word “deserve” is such a trigger for me.

the coach coming to tell the father that Sara was good, ohh that's going to be painful, Uowh, I felt that

Very Dear Jay, it's just like you were there, at my house, when I was an abused preschooler. At long last, I see that my mother really could not have ever acknowledged my art.

I actually was the super athletic and thank God I got the encouragement with sports because it was such a helpful healthy outlet for me. It's so interesting you picked softball. I was a total natural. Very similar experience. It was my mom that would occasionally offer guidance and I would talk back to her like do you even play the game? and then my dad would tell me to stop. That was his thing. If I spook up for myself, no matter how out of line she was or me just express good psychology, my dad would tell me to stop. It was always so weird to me. What I experienced was after she would be really mean, yell, rage, the next day or soon after when she was back to the good mom, she would want to be really nice and buy me things. I was happy to be getting bought the new school clothes and sports equipment and getting the awesome birthdays, Christmas with all the presents and parties etc, I still felt like it wasn't exactly all a good feeling because of the fact how horrible she was to me, there was a pretending it didn't happen and just acting like everything was ok. This back and forth thing and it got worse and worse treatment towards me as time went on. She became more vindictive and destructive towards me. I stay far far way from her now and will never be in her presence or talk to her in any way again. She will never know where I live or anything about me. And yes, I started down playing my gifts early. The first time was in like 4th grade. Later on, as a grown woman, I started doing it when I would be around other people who I was around that didn't know things I didn't know. I would get triggered by dysfunctional coworkers, housemates , guys, friends on and on and then full into the pattern of the way I was being treated. I started down playing my looks, I let myself stop looking as good so that I wouldn't stand out so that I would upset someone. I was always seeming to be upsetting someone!! I have definetely been doing my inner work and listening to these videos about these types of people has really been eye opening, validating, confirming and helpful.

I experienced this wicked and destructive dynamic w my ex-husband and his family. Because I was raised by my mother and father who instilled confidence and value in me and my sister, I was eventually able to distill truth out of the fog and escape. Yes, leaving a toxic marriage is a dangerous escape that I’m grateful to have survived. With God’s Grace, you too can restore peace, joy, and health in your life. God Bless us all and anyone making the decision to leave and is saying to themselves, “no more. I’ve had enough”.❤🙏🏼☀️🌈

I had to down play my abilities from my siblings for decades because my parents would use it as a tool to make my other siblings feel bad. Because of that, my siblings resented me for a very long time. Actually, they still low key resent me. I recently moved 4 states away and i have every intention on being the best version of myself from this point forward.

Teachers , classmates and people I came across as a teenager working in my small town's grocery store always told me I had a gift. Mom and Dad would tear it down. Especially mom with laughter.

This explains a lot

I’ve been a physio for 10 years. Both parents have had physio for Achilles rupture and a broken arm. They looked through me when I offered physio as the physio they get is not the same physio that I do. The people they see are higher more experienced than me. They deny their daughter could possibly be that physio at the hospital. Infact they laughed about it

I did think that as long as I followed their plan, I would be celebrated. I got my graduate degree, that is where their plan for me ended, that's the last time my mom said she was proud of me. I don't know what they assumed would happen afterwards. I've been scrambling ever since.

Timely as always , Jay!

Thank you for your extremely informative and helpful video. It resonates with me on so many levels. When people show you who they are, we should believe them the first time and do not wait hoping for love, respect, decency, civility which we have been programmed to strive to deserve as kids. And we got the breadcrumbs now and then as a trauma bond booster. The painful experiences of Growing up as a scapegoat can be turned into a superpower Once we heal.

At last, some clarity that the crazy world I lived in for 57 years was not real! You explain things very well and are making a big difference out here. Thank you for posting ❤

I just want to thank you so much for what you do. I found your channel recently thanks to the RU-vid algorithm and it's been the best therapy I've ever had. You're helping me walk away from a lifetime of abuse with my family and other narcissists who scapegoated me and I can't thank you for that or your calming, empathetic presence enough. Knowing I can put one of your videos on when the panic attacks hit and they'll help me calm down while educating me and helping me recover is so comforting at a time when I really need it. Your work is invaluable. Thank you.

This encapsulated my experience to the T. No contact going on two years, and I am finally starting to understand my true value. smh Get out while you are still alive!

I'm bawling with all this.Real suffering in the comment section.However only the brave the strong and the truth comes here.😢.I salute all the wounded soldiers here may we continue to heal in freedom.

I'll bet most of us scapegoats as children dreaded their birthdays and Christmas and school events they participated in. The parents generally acted as though we were an embarrassment and a burden every single time. Things that were joyful events for other families weren't for ours. If it was for the golden child then it was a big deal. We can't accept compliments either as they are likely lies or precursors of abuse. We can't feel happy either because abuse will follow. Always.

Thank you for sharing. This explains my life. ❤

Thank you for continued work. There has never not been content I could not relate to. The illustration of the mechanisms make one feel understood and aid a great deal in challenging self-gaslighting. There were so many concepts I had no idea even existed, from “what are safe people and how do they act in relation to me and others” to being steadfast in how I value myself, and all else in between. By the way, when you mentioned the example of coming home from a sleepover where one had a great time, I, once again, had a slight sensation you secretly lived in my house when I was growing up, and now you are telling the story haha… You would have lived in a lot of houses across the globe, I come to believe. There was definitely a price to pay for forgetting my role as scapegoat with all its modes, schemas, and beliefs, even if it was just for a weekend. The reminder was never far away upon return “home”. I also wanted to mention that I am still reading David Celani’s “Leaving Home”. In carefully sized chunks, that is. Then I reflect and journal. The concept of what he is saying, by the title alone, has added a whole perspective onto my recovery work.

These videos have shocked then accelerated my determination to love myself.

@Jay Reid: thank you from Italy! That is exactly how the scapegoat functions throughout their life. At least, unless and until they discover your videos and that there's something out of place in their behavior. Add to this that some have an autistic/disabled brother or sister, which partly justifies different treatment of children, but simultaneously reinforces the scapegoat's excessive compliance and self-effacement.

I could just give you the BIGGEST HUG! My God....the lies I have been fighting for so long❤❤ I've downloaded your boom I just need to make time this week to read! Thank you for your work, your diligence and for setting us FREE!

This seems to be the most recent video so this is where I am putting the message. Dear Dr Jay Reid. Congratulations on writing and publishing your book. A great achievement. I am going to buy a real book made of paper and have it posted (mailed) to me and delivered by our postman, unless he is on holidays and then I can say post person. It will be delivered all the way from the USA to the “ British Isles” Thanks so much for all you do 🙏

I differ on a few points; I was tolerated when being the most ‘not myself’. I got safety when being like they expected only from me. I was raised “equally”, so without any attention to my female specific needs, and so without any value for what made me, me, and not him. The times when I stepped in their gift, to feel like I belong, we’re used to humiliate me for not being as good as my older brother, including hockey; I was a national level competitive figure skater for years, I started competing at 9yo, spent all my weekends either training intensely or away on the road with my team competing in the country, and unlike my other teammates, *always* without them, I was dropped on the bus with all my stuff I prepared myself, without even a hug, and I couldn’t tell them that I wished one of them could come because “but we have to work extra to pay for your skates and training”. I was the extra work, the extra needy, the high maintenance that should feel bad, the ‘entitled selfish princess’ to dare asking them some attention, not my brother’s hockey equipment, practices, games, tournaments, not his private school’s sport-study program.. I stopped figure skating and picked up hockey in college, which I really don’t regret, I loved it, I even got my certification and coached my sons, but still, every time I step on the ice, I always hear what my father said to me, that my mom silently approved, right after the only match they ever watched me play to this day and was 2 months after my second knee surgery in less than 6 months, and that 2nd one was a reconstructive surgery with bolts and all and 1-2 PT sessions, which was “oofff.. your skating got very bad” with a ‘polite’ disgusted look on his face.. that consolidated to me that I better do the fvck I want, cause I knew at 18yo that it was an unreasonably inconsiderate fvcked up thing to say. They’re just lucky I didn’t turn out bad.. very bad.

Amazingly accurate description of what the scapegoat child goes through. Thanks for all your deep work on this topic Jay. 🙏

Why this guy only has 18k subscribers boggles my mind.