The Problem With Promoting 'Just Be You' | Mary Harrington 

The big problem with “just be yourself” is that A Lot of young people don’t know who they are. They seek out stronger personalities to emulate, groups or causes to identify with. They don’t understand contentment is better than happiness.

I once read a comic where one of the jokes were that society wants you to fit into particular “cookie cutter” roles that the main characters just don’t fit, the message being that society shouldn’t be so rigid about who it accepts. However, as I kept reading I started to notice that a lot of the characters seemed to share many similar traits (male = weak, female = strong) with almost no exceptions. That made the message feel less like “we should be more accepting of people who are different from the norm,” and more like “this is the new norm, and everyone needs to be forced into it.”

Being non-conformist has become soooooo conformist.

It's interesting that the greatest fantasy story of the 20th century, lord of the rings, starts with someone who basically just wants a quiet life. Yes, Frodo is a bit more outward looking than most hobbits, but he says himself, he's not made for perilous quests. He just wants to stay at home, go on long walks, and smoke his pipe in peace. It's interesting that a lot of the stories that matter are like this, not people who "be themselves", against the background of normality, but normal people who are forced to do exceptional things and be exceptional by circumstances outside their control.,

From a wine making manual: " Traditions are the experiments that worked."

As someone weird and otherworldly, being abnormal is a source of frustration. If you can't relate to people, it's difficult to provide emotional support. If you love people (family, friends), then you probably want to be reliable for them. Being a special and unique snowflake who forces people to deal with you on your terms seems like deranged self-importance. It's rude if you're maladapted that any situation becomes about you. Say you're invited to a wedding and - as an example - you've decided that being a furry is central to your personality. Or you're a radical feminist who despises the institution, but your sisters wanted you to be the maid of honor. Looking sour-faced at a wedding or dressing as a cartoon otter are mistakes.

It's crazy how many people don't understand that societal norms and mores developed over thousands of years and were accepted for good reasons.

Its odd how easily people believe "just be you" means being a burden to other people. I think the problem is people are getting tired of hearing the same slogans, so familiarity breeds contempt, and leads to people questioning and demonizing such phrases. The truth is no one is owed respect. People will hate you whether you conform or you don't. For some reason, this scares people, so we have to jump around this fact.

Just be normal... if you can. Some people (few people) find being normal extremely difficult. I dearly wish I could be normal like everyone else. Don't be different for the sake of being different. That's just ego stroking

The worst part of being told as children that we are so very special is that we are not exceptional, not brave, not creative, not charismatic, not original, and certainly not going to change the world at all, and when reality punches us in the face enough to where we finally get it -- we are at the cusp of old age with no time to fix much of anything.

The original draft of “Frozen” had Elsa be the villain. “Let it Go” was her big villain song in the “Then Let Me Be Evil” and “Sanity Slippage” style. It was supposed to be the inverse of the “Be Yourself” message popular in Disney films. Elsa’s original arc was realizing that, in striving to be herself in a world that demonized and ostracized her, she had jeopardized not only Arendelle but Anna (the only person she cares about). Ironically, the studio heads heard “Let It Go” and told the team that everything had to be completely revamped: the song’s message was way too positive (even though the whole point of the song was how daring to be yourself can be dangerous). They do try to show how Elsa’s actions were still selfish (if her reaction to Anna’s news about the eternal winter is any indication) but, like other things in the story, it felt completely informed and shoed in. Studio executives realized they had a gold mine in “Let it Go”…they just decided the story team hit the wrong vein.

My own thumbnail abstract understanding of these ideas bought me to an understanding that everything is in flux and there is also a nessesary balance between extremes. An extreme born from feminist ideology focuses on what I call the "responsibility not to offend" and appears to me to by driving the culture. The balance that is missing is "the responsibility not to take offence". Our language has changed to ignore the latter. It's easier to censor and project niceness as some kind of virtue than actually embrace the complexity of existence.

It seems flipped now. It used to be that the law defended individuality and society demanded conformity. Now there are forces trying to make the law demand conformity and society defends running around like unruly children.

Problem isn't conformity itself, its enforced conformity by the point of a gun. Now; that doesn’t mean that we should just let people do absolutely everything they want, because that would bring anarchy. However, not everyone is wired for the whole white picket fence lifestyle. Some of our greatest minds, entrepreneurs, scientists, artists, philosophers, etc were people who went against the grain.

Exactly. Imagine Hitler’s, Stalin’s, or Pol Pot’s therapists said to them: Just Be You. Most people should NOT just be themselves or follow their bliss.

Sounds like she was able to grow! 🌸 Good for her… The growth of many has been stunted during this era. I pray that many are able to have similar breakthroughs. 🙏🏽

I'm very allergic to authority. Luckily for me all the voices said don't marry and have a quiet family life. Don't take your husband's name. Don't educate your own children. Don't manage the health of your own family most of the time since doctors know best. Don't do your own research on things you aren't sure about - just trust the authorities.

She's conflating authority with discipline.

One of my favorite t-shirts said, “Don’t be yourself… unless you’re Batman.” You can’t become the hero you’re meant to be if you already think you’re perfect just the way you are.

You can be you even if that means being different from most people but one has to conscious of it and accept the consequences. You have to remember that others don't have to like or respect your nonconformity.

That is soo soo true and soo very important. Young kids ALL want to be special and are taught that they CAN BE. And oh so many of them end up unhappy and depressed, because this 'special' does not exist. They are all hunting ghosts they will never be able to catch. The message should really be like the one grandma gave: be like everyone else, be normal, be ordinary; be special for your kids, family and friends! We need to find our way back to normal before the complete demise of our society and culture, unfortunately it seems we are well on our way though...

A fraction of a fraction of people are abnormal. They will have abnormal lives and may see abnormal results from their abnormal behaviour. But the vast majormajority of people are normal, and should pursue normality, not because it holds them back, but because it propels them forward so much more strongly than the alternative life paths will.

Without "normal" people running the logistics of the civilization which is taken for granted in the West, there would be no civilization. The self-centered Wokies would find themselves living like people do in Haiti or Somalia. It is mind boggling to try to list the huge number of details which go into providing the basics which are taken completely for granted in everyday life. It is "normal" people who empty your rubbish bins, who greet you in the hospital if you have an accident, who deliver the food you buy in the supermarket let alone grow and produce it, etc, etc, etc. All of those "rebels" who shun responsibility and authority would not manage to survive any length of time without the efforts of those responsible and disciplined people who go about their work and collectively enable civilization to function.

The good news is that we aren't our ideas. We might have ideas that are bad; but it's not too late to change our ideas. We might be acting as our current selves; we aren't static but rather in flux to our knowledge. Bad speech is best fought with better speech.

I have derived enormous satisfaction in walking to the back of my garden to look at a large hole - 2 metres diameter and 1 metre deep. I have visited it several times today. The satisfaction comes from the fact that I have just dug up a large stump by hand. It is an ordinary thing, but done well. I had to work hard, persevere, and take command of my environment to make it into something better. There are few in our current generation who know the joy of hard work, taking responsibility, and investing themselves in the betterment of their world. Instead they want to derive satisfaction from the extraordinary: the extraordinarily shallow. Being perpetually absorbed in a video game or demanding that others give you what you feel entitled to, just won't cut it.

Do people really not understand the difference between "You don't have to conform" and "You are allowed to hurt other people"? These sentences mean entirely different things.

This may be two Ozzies talking to one another, but this rot is spreading throughout the entire western world. People believe they can BE whatever they want to be, THINK whatever they want to think, and Do whatever they want to do, and there will somehow be no consequences. Responsibility means accepting that consequences are real and you have to deal with them.

I think it's a good thing that we think a lot more about who we are today and what is caused by society and social environment and what is really us. "Just be you" is basically not a bad thing, it just turns out in the end, that many of us seem to be quite normal, which can be considered a good or bad thing. And wanting or trying to be someone else just to prove you are being yourself and independent teaches many of us to become who we really are, and that may just be normal. Being "normal" can seem quite boring, especially for young people, but if you tried to be different, special or extraordinary, you may find out that being normal feels quite good and you may much more appreciate it then than if you hadn't had the chance to check it out for yourself. Having learned that by experiment instead of just having conformed because you were expected to may be much more satisfying than if you were forced to be normal and never tried to rebel. And being free means you have the right to find out for yourself that being normal is what makes you feel best. Isn't that basically growing up? First we think our parents are boring and then we find out, that we are just like them. I don't know if we should always try to tell people how to be, they should have the right to find it out themselves. That's called experience. People who had the chance to find it out for themselves are much more self-content at an old age than people who have conformed a whole life and regret that they never dared to break out or be different, at least that's my experience with older people. So let the youth and young adults grow up and become normal based on their own experience. Whatever normal actually is ...

The only "safe" authority is self-authority. The vast majority of people who try to "control" other people, push other people around, can't control themselves. Humility isn't in their vocabulary or DNA. The only trustworthy, safe, government is self-government. Karma solves every problem, as all the great religious teachers say. You get payback, regardless of who is trying to govern you, quickly, a little later, or a lot later. But payback comes; this is certain.

Prisons are filled with such people.

Just be you or be individual, its a big difference. And this misconceptions could be merged to attack the freedom of the those who arent in norm, even if they will be themselves, they cant be - because they need to be in the norm. They need to be categorised as someone who is individual, who is the social unit and need to be in the categorised type.

I was a non-conformist as a kid. I didn't dress like a kid, and I didn't talk about kid subjects. In high school, boys wore flannel shirts, jeans, and sneakers. I wore polo shirts, khakis, and loafers. While everyone else talked about who was dating whom, I talked politics and economics. I joined the debate team, because I planned to become a lawyer and figured that learning to argue would be helpful. Was I popular? No.

Remember No jab No job. We must never forget WHO coerced and emotionally blackmailed the children for use as shields, to temporarily and marginally "protect" adults. Thou shall not use pregnant women as Granny shields. Risking the young to "save" the old is rotten to the core.

If she hasn't? She needs to write a Book on this... She has some amazing insights for Modern Youth. Self is selfish and ones EGO can lead to Narrsisism as much as over empathy or concern can lead to abuse and self distruction by authority. ? NO??

I think that this surge in stories with non-corforming protagonists came from older generations that did not want to conform with what the older generations wanted from them so they wrote these stories as a way to express what they wanted to say. Keep in mind that these people were more than likely creatives that probably weren't openly accepted or entirely understood by their parents. Standards for parenting were harsher and stricter back then and alot of parents didn't know how to handle having creative kids. For instance, a creative person likes to keep their desks messy. Someone who works in the military or in a very professional field that requires alot of discipline and structure would see that as undisciplined and lazy when in actuality, the kid is subconsciously creating an environment built for further nurturing their own creativity. But if the parent doesn't understand that, they'll misunderstand and try to force conformity on someone that isn't built for it. This will cause further rebellion and resentment from the child.

If i tried to be as stereotypically normal as humanly possible (whatever that even means), I'd be a pretty miserable person i think. 'Just be yourself' doesn't mean be rebellious for the sake of being rebellious. Perhaps 'being herself' didn't quite work for her because she didn't yet know who she was. Being yourself doesn't have to mean being a blue haired liberal. Her thinking is black and white. Extremes of just about anything are not helpful.

I've heard one RU-vidr put the phrase a different way: "Be your *best* self". I think that might be a more constructive way to look at it.

Non-conformity began to gain ground from about 1850, so Anderson has missed the boat by 150 years at least.

I think that non-conformity is still necessary and a valuable characteristic of being but, the thing is, the polarity of conformism and establishment has turned 180 degrees in the last 10-15 years. In past decades, non-conformist rebelled against conservatism; these days, I believe we should be rebelling against the excesses of the woke. Being a square takes you to the middle ages but, just mindlessly breaking the whole status quo is also counterproductive.

Re: "The Problem With Promoting 'Just Be You'' is, everybody else is taken! Lol!

I’m trying to figure out which Pixar movies she means because most of the ones I’ve seen generally don’t encourage being so self-absorbed that you stop considering other people’s needs or wants. It seems to me that many Pixar films actually have the opposite message, that sometimes you aren’t special and being normal is okay too. The exception is Brave where the whole solution to the conflict is that Elinor has to become as free-spirited and wild as Merida for them to have a good relationship, which seems a little one sided. But that movie had a billion production issues that led to a story the original director didn’t want to tell anyway. It seems like she’s conflating “Pixar” with “generic nonsense for kids” and that’s a little sad to me.

Sort of, yes but no but. My first question - yes, but who am I? Next question - what's so good about me that I should want to be that? Final question, I already am myself; what else could I be? Daft. At the bottom of this is Aristotle's axiom: true happiness is ethical, not aesthetic. Mere pleasure fades and is unsatisfactory. Ethical behaviour results in lasting satisfaction, even if what comes later is not so good. New question: what is ethical?

In no one else impressed by just how still John manages to sit while Mary wibbles on?

I always really enjoy listening to Mary and have read her book. You can tell John is really impressed by what she is saying here. Whilst simplistic at face value, it doesn't really get vouced enough

Disney is very culpable of this.

So, she's actually against our stories doing the most fundamental thing stories did in all of human history - celebrating the hero who challenges what everyone thinks is normal or even possible - and thinks instead we should praise grey mediocrity. Also, says she's naturally "allergic to authority" while sharing how she was perfectly willing to accept the authority if people dictating to her what pronounce she has to use. I'm sorry, but in less than 5 minutes it is already clear this is just a very confused person who has a lot of her own vision to clear before she's ready to share it with others😵‍💫

Who defines what is normal? 😂

I think the problem partly stems that, for obvious reasons, creative type things like movies and TV shows are made by creative type people, and for us creative types the "just be you" message is fitting because we often simply do not fit in on a fundamental level, and never will, and so we are best off "being ourselves". But the fundamental message is to be whoever you are, and if that means being boring and conventional, that's fine too. I think the people who are upset by this "be yourself" message are people who deep down still have a self that refuses to sit down, shut up, and conform, and it's that part of them that is upset when the degree to which they have compromised themselves in order to be a square peg is evoked in them.

I totally disagree with her advice. Almost no great artists would exist if they all conformed.

People that seek constant happiness are called addicts. Almost all philosophy states that this world is pain incarnate. To search for either being content (Eastern)or making a purpose for yourself (western)is the key to living a healthy life.

If conforming to the expectations of others is your sort of adventure, then go for it. It never seemed interesting to me. The trouble is, when you get down to details, there are too many variations on normal to choose from. So you are back to choosing the next action that you believe is best.

How do you know which "authority" to follow?

There's a cruelty to "Just Be You," actually, because it's a stated preference that doesn't align with how that individual ends up being treated over the long-term across all of their social interactions. It comes from the same place as your mother saying that you can be anything and you're perfect. She believes that, and from her perspective it's true, but other people don't believe it. If you aren't prepared for their judgement or the impartiality of systems, you're in for quite a shock.

The problem with someone saying they are non-conformist: what they mean is they will never be well-adjusted to society

Everyone has to learn the hard way the problem occurs on this when you add on theological or physical prescriptions that what your doing is can hurt others. Don't turn one step on the inside of oneself into some action onto others. You do you in your state ,city ,tribe community or as an individual is the correct epistemology especially for certain theological principles as an American its essential. A classical American Christian it wouldn't be much of a test of your worthiness to God if we all physically make you pass it. Lol

Being totally self referential just leads to insanity. We need other people to help us be rational and responsible. Of course, there is group think which is not quite the opposite, but rather self referential scaled to a group. “Don’t be conformed to this world but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.” Have a blessed day.

"Have you tried being normal" is the most annoying and frustrating advice possible. I wish such phrases would just vanish unless the person using it can provide a precise, bullet-point breakdown of exactly what "normal" is. But I've never gotten that or anything useful. Most of the time people telling me to be normal just defaulted to that other damnable phrase, "just be yourself". Yeah. Myself was what I was being when I was told to just be normal. How many selves do people think we apparently abnormal people have?

To claim one is allergic to hierarchies sounds good, of course, but means only that one doesn't know the meaning of the word 'hierarchy' except in its crudest form, namely as a hierarchy of power. Yawn.

When everything is ok, nothing is ok.

Being different imposes a cost, be it large or small, on other people. Maybe we should consider being different only if it brings benefits to others.

I think I kind of get the message, but imho what is overlooked here is that there is no normal. Being different is not a choice, but a simple reality, and the sooner you come to terms with this reality the better. Human perception is always leaning towards abstraction and oversimplification. There is no need to additionally push towards that.

People never know who they are. They are born to follow. Blind obedience. And so becoming what ever is in fashion becomes who you are. You learn about yourself as you grow. Unfortunately media, stars,and blah blah influenced the weaker mindset s.

Basically, strike a balance between individualism and conformity.

I think you don't confirm when necessary/the right thing to do, i.e the saying about if everyone jumps over a cliff would you however, small things that seem like someone making a big deal of for no reason, it's not about having an important reason. Maybe they're unhappy or they want attention. Blind obedience isn't good (obviously if you're in the army it has rules and you're not there to be questioning authority all the time, although there may be some cases). I think it's about the standard of authority and respect.

The thing is that "normal" life is incredibly dull. It only work as desirable goal in religious context, because then people get excitement from the prospect of better "Afterlife". Outside of religion it's just YOLO and every dull moment is a wasted one.

This is all true, and being “weird” has become the trendy thing to do, however, that developed for a reason. “Normie” Anglo-American culture was highly abusive towards members of society who didn’t quite fit into the mainstream culture (neurodivergent people, LGBTQ, minorities, etc). How to have a cultural conservatism that also allows breathing room for actual “weirdos” is the only real path forward for conservatives. Otherwise, people reject all of it and end up being accepting of any and all behavior (which is what is occurring now).

Follow your genetic predispositions and for the vast majority, life will be much better than fighting your genetic personality. That’s being you.

even her alibi is convoluted.

Jesus, all it took to change a radical to a trad was having to share her spaces with men.

She reminds of Monkey, the comic partner with his ventriloquist Nina. The same voice, the same stiff mouth. Though I guess here Jordan Peterson would be the ventriloquist. But I can really see Monkey speaking when I close my eyes.

The left and the right are just two wings on the same vulture. Respecting laws which benefit society is just as important as challenging those that don't. Self interest has a place in the world, just as altruism and cooperation also have a place. It's both important to define your own individual identity and participate in group interaction/belongingness. Why do people divide themselves on ideological grounds which over-simplify the complexity of human/social behaviour? Life can be challenging enough as it is without attempting to force yourself into a cookie-cutter worldview which only serves to alienate you from half of the people you meet.

The best thing about being a woman is the prerogative to have a little fun. A-whoa-o-oh! X

There is a problem when there is no You.

i feel like i just watched 4 minutes of pre-explanation/exposition and stories for what culminated with the answer of "you'll have a nicer life if you try to be normal". There was nothing witty about her answer, not much of an explanation -- she just said a common sense cliche at the very end. Almost all of the video was just background information for context. She doesn't go much deeper than that. the title of this video shouldn't be, "The Problem With Promoting 'Just Be You' | Mary Harrington"; it's more like "the history of Promoting 'Just Be You'"

I find this whole normalization of something so grotesque and perverted and creepy and insane ..incredibly doaturbing

The most depressing 5 mins of my life watching this. The children's movies she is referring to is tolerance apparently too deep a concept for some.

💯💯💯💯💯💯💯

A somewhat long-winded way of saying she grew up and realised how utterly wrong she'd been.

Conformity is equivalent to living in a dark age

Problem with non-conformity, problem with comformity i think life is about middle grounds.....and it's totally possible to make compromises being yourself at it.

How ignorant is she that she’s wearing Bluetooth headphones in a PODCAST. Absolutely ignorant. Terrible audio quality. The content isn’t interesting either.

This is cute. Conform? That's hysterical. I'm so far at the end of all the bell curves that it's ridiculous. Physically, I'm a mauler. Intellectually, I might be worse. (Well, I'm not pretty I guess.) You're on your own and my parents weren't going to offer guidance. With my siblings, there was a lot of the Lord of the Flies going on. Rule 1, do not mess with normals. They will just get overwhelmed and they can cause you trouble. You often wish you had a path to follow. I wanted to be shy. I didn't want to effect the people around me. Do you have any idea how much you mess up a social system in schools when there's always this guy born to be an alpha but is completely passive? Yeah, I attracted so much trouble that I just wanted to hide. Hopefully, what I am doing now will have a lot of value. Oh, I do think outside the box.

She is incoherent...

Deeply uninteresting.

Man, blah blah blah! So boring!

Once again, a lot of nothingness from John and his guests.

Non-conformists are all alike. :)

"Just be you" can be a lazy excuse, i remember a singer which i can called her as genius, after her 4th albums, her behavior weird and use bad way to sing her songs, then after she silence for years, she release albums again, and back to her 1st album style, she said this "Im too busy for being myself end up i forgot how to make my music better".