It's all about communication. It takes a mature adult to say "I'm scared" or "I'm lonely." I was at the point in my marriage where I was ready to talk completely openly and work through those feelings (and my attachment issues). My ex-wife was not mature enough to listen to me talk about my feelings or to express hers in a healthy way. I was always open to work on myself and address issues. She either wasn't willing to do the same or just not able to. If I ever find a relationship again, it will have to be with an emotionally mature, humble, intelligent and available woman. I'm not sure if that exists to be honest. I'm perfectly imperfect, but aware. She would have to be the same.
No man will utter those words to a woman - "I'm scared" or "I'm lonely." - he will be seen as weak and this weakness will be used against him in a confrontation with his girl friend / wife / partner. I agree better communication is the key .
@@mike3715bass I hear that a lot. I think if a woman has unhealed daddy issues then seeing a man struggle is jarring. But if she has healed her daddy issues then she is more able to be equal and present for him. That’s my take.
Yes. In hindsight I wished I had put the focus on her. Now it is too late. I feel awfull. Marriage is about how to make the partner happy. Not about how can I make myself happy. That way you can ignore ones own disturbance and stop the viscious cycle when things are going south. Even though I was pretty much aware of what was going on in myself I was blind too see why my wife acted the way she did due to ignorance and because of my blurred distressed mind. The marriage counselor didn’t gave insights or instructions either. He even made the situation worse, literally telling us to end the marriage and go our own ways. I will never forgive him for this. I don’t trust therapists anymore. Now both of us are in far worse situation than when we were together. I hate this world.
You are 100% wrong. A married couple is not responsible for each other’s happiness. Each individual (man and woman) is responsible for their own individual happiness.
@@chocolatecookie8571 Nope. I’m not talking about a selfish, narcissistic person. I’m talking about two individuals who come together in marriage where each person is responsible for their own happiness. How many times have you heard a man say “I did everything for her , bought a big house, good job provided for her and the kids, vacations, cars, etc” and she still wasn’t happy. Do you believe in “happy wife , happy life” ?
Told my wife of 25 years that I would never have imagined someone I’ve served with all my being would be my biggest enemy. Bunch of childish shit. My comment as well because if going to roll around in the poo might as well make sure we’re all wearing some….. I’m not babying a 45yr person man or woman. Can’t help someone that doesn’t want it. Can lead a horse to water but can’t make em drink. Wasted most my life trying this……some people don’t want to change. But you did a good job explaining for those who struggle understanding how the toxic cycles start and run…..
Hi Rachael, really interesting thoughts. Perhaps the physical strength disparity is also a part of why men are often surprised when she leaves. I can imagine that disclosing that you are seriously considering leaving a relationship feels riskier if the other person is physically stronger than you.
I think a big problem with humanity is that children are treated so badly. Some people think it’s a good idea to treat children badly so that they “learn early that life is tough.” But, like you said, treating children well actually makes for better adults.
I don't understand. If a woman genuinely fears her partner's greater physical strength, why provoke him with meanness? Why poke the bear? Doesn't make sense. It's almost like she's daring him to hurt her. I think it's more like she knows he's not going to hurt her, so she feels she has license to be mean. She has that advantage over him.
There is a lot more that can be said about why and how women act the way they do in a relationship but she had to generalise women’s behavior to keep the video relatively short I think. A woman can also be abusive because that is her way of trying to get attention is what I know from my own experience and because she learned to behave like this from (one of) her abusive parents. Or she literally wants you to leave her. There can be numerous of reasons.
That was a great explanation. I remember just withdrawing from everyone in my family and staying to myself. My x had special needs kids so there was always something going on. There was never a dull moment, yet I never felt like I was acknowledged for anything I did. My x probably felt the same way. The stress from our situation was astronomical. It's a wonder we made it 18 years. I wish she wouldn't of gave up on me though, but I can't blame her for doing it. If I get another chance at relationships, I am 10x smarter then I was before. Thank you!
Her intro is off. Selfish men are just immature. Man-boys haven’t accepted they must perform, they must respond to others. A man-boy just does what he wants like Tom Sawyer. A man boy sees his wife as a comfort and pleasure. A woman girl sees a husband as a provider. If you don’t find things past these the relationship won’t work. Higher level but deeper bindings.
Really great video, Rachael. It rang so true for me, especially the physical strength portion and what happens to us around the age of 4. I just watched it twice and will mostly likely view it again soon.
If that's what you heard from watching this video, then please, please make sure you're seeking the support of loving friends and the ear of a good therapist. That is so far from the message of this video, but when we (humans) are in a distressed nervous system state we tend to only see and hear things that confirm what we already believe. It is a physiologic response that everyone has. Your comment tells me that your nervous system is activated and you are in pain, and I hope you are taking some steps to help yourself heal.
I don't need a therapist today in a fallen generation where morals gave dropped . Sexuality has taken over the last 2 generation's . Where people don't even know how to love each other. I have no time for personal relationship as there no decent women or men. Where women trying to be like men since the femanist movement for equality it was a good idea but its like women dont like men .. I live country where women swear like men very rude. This is very of putting for decent to men. I wish would have born in 1950s people where respectful to each other where people said sir or madam. If you don't think we haven't then listen to decent women and men in there 80s . I am not the only one either some of my friends gave done the same.
I recently started watching some of your videos which I thought were for the most part to male viewers. I was wondering what is the ratio of men vs female on your channel
I'm really sorry about that. Are you working with a couples counselor at all? If your spouse is open to it, an EFT therapist can help navigate these issues really well. You can find one near you here: iceeft.com
Hi Rachel, thank you very much for this insightful video. What do you think about women who act mean towards their children? My soon-to-be ex-wife often acts borderline abusive towards our kids even when they just lightly misbehave (yelling, showing contempt, being passive aggressive or openly aggressive, sometimes insults) and this is a major cause for us separating because I do not allow this to happen and this makes me very angry - protective behavior. Thank you.
I think women are more mean than b4 because I get hit on way more now that I'm married and in my 40s. I suspect it's because I'm just basically nice and empathetic. Which I guess is totally rare now apparently.
If I'm afraid of someone -- let's say some crazy, homeless person with a knife -- I don't provoke him with mean behavior. I placate him until I can get away.
It seems that you feel the distinct differences (natural, cultural, etc) between men and women underly typical behavioral patterns. I would like to hear you build on this through the compounding validation a man gets from his male friends and a woman from her woman friends. Another important wedge is the identity politics that the Democrats use where they want groups to feel like they are a victim, and that the white men are the villans and that they are the heros. The Drama Triangle is real, and effective in getting groups to feel victimized and vote monolithically. Donald Trump was such a tough male for liberal woman to swallow, because in their minds, he was the poster child of the ugly chauvanistic male. I think many men did not understand how fearful what Trump represented to woman was i.e. he was a man who would go right up and grab them in the .... Anyway, there has been a cultural upheaval for women to blame men, hate on men, feel victimized by men, and the validation many women give their friends and female family members can really drive a wedge in a marriage. People shouldn't cause harm in another's marriage, yet I see so many women encouraging other women to divorce. The statistics of women initiating divorce is very lopsided and I think if you take the next step from this video into the validation phase outside the two people in the marriage, it will help. I think once the support system starts to beat the war drums after the woman trashes her husband, the marriage typically goes into a death spiral.
Women are to support their man and manage the household. Men are to be the breadwinner and protector for the household. Like Stevie said, "You mess with her and you'll see a man get mean."
