I've never understood why it's considered ok to tell someone they are too much. I would never tell someone they are boring, underwhelming, or not enough.
A friend told me I needed to do work on myself. She was right and I did need to it was feedback. I didnt do the work until years later ... she's a real positive friendly realistic humorous woman, very wise.
It's not okay. It's rude and unkind, and it places blame on the other person instead of acknowledging that your personalities just don't quite mesh or jive.
@@krisdiane when it's not ok for others to state their opinions, you are coming from victimhood. When you accept whatever others say and do without taking it personally, you come from a place of empowerment.
I agree. Unless the person is causing you harm with their behaviour, being too intrusive, overstepping boundaries etc. But even then, I agree there’s no excuse to tell someone they’re “too much” or “not enough” - a simple “I can’t deal with this right now” or “this is too heavy for me to deal with, I’m sorry I cannot help” would be better. We all have different boundaries and levels of awareness/empathy though I suppose
This is a big reason why I have no friends right now. I've gotten to the point of identifying the wrong people and setting boundaries or cutting them out, but I haven't gotten to the point where I let new better people in yet. I am so grateful for your videos.
I feel you, we're all learning. 💕 I noticed your last unicorn profile pic- I feel like fans of this movie tend to be a special sort of sensitive and perceptive. Fans of crappy childhood fairy as well! Fun crossover of universes.
Same! Pushing away good people who get too close, or avoiding. It's actually a subconscious fear of not being good enough. Once you heal this faulty belief (try daily affirmations night & day), new relationships will feel more naturally enticing.
Such great advice!!: allow yourself about 6 times of hanging out w/someone new before talking heavy personal problems! Be measured in ur responses! We need to test the relationships and also NOT try to fix their problems. Last, you are right - not to get caught in tit-for-tat w/who 'owes' u emotional energy support time. Basically, we need to get to know someone...(PS-how true that we crap-fit bc we gained the capacity to listen to self-centered ppl, who love it!) Thank you Anna!
this one really really resonates with me. i always say (and frankly genuinely believe) “i was put on this earth to love, but never be loved.” it’s so, SO lonely. it’s soul-crushing. because i put so much love into every single person i form the slightest connection with(not just romantic, but all), but i can’t think of a single time it’s been reciprocated.
What we live with , we learn and what will learn we practice , somewhere along the way , we learned we are not important ,a lot of adult learning is unlearnimg these messages ...stand in our lights
I’ve learned that I need to pick and choose where to give my 100% caring since I’ve learned that most don’t expect it, don’t care that much, and even in a work situation it often doesn’t matter. Not that I’m a slacker, but I choose the places I will give effort and never 100% until I get a feel for the others. There’s too many people who will accept and encourage all you have to give and they really don’t care. Sometimes I think those that try hard are looked at as weak and over-compensating. I find I need to balance the scales, even if unknown to the other person, so I don’t become resentful. I also don’t flaunt my efforts, but let them be known because I’ve had others try to steal credit. I no longer let them get away with it, nicely of course. I had to let some friends go.
I am avid in my 12 step program but your videos have definitely helped me broaden my understanding about relationships! More importantly, they make me feel less crazy 😜 God bless
The friends with whom i observe this are people who have openly acknowledged mental health issues. ( Otherwise I've been incredibly fortunate in my circle of friends. To a one, after decades, they continue to be kind, generous, loving, creative, supportive, intelligent and overall wonderful. I know we have reciprocal relationships because they call and ask for help too, which they appreciate and i am only too happy to give. Without problems on the horizon we all try to make time for each other as well, or just call and check in with one another. ) By comparing these experiences i see that when someone is mentally ill it won't be reciprocal and if i think the person is worth it, i manage my expectations of them, and don't invite them to things that have time tables or tickets or what have you. It's kind of like being friends with a person much younger than yourself. They can only bring so much to the table.
The gay guy friend said he was going through very heavy stuff. He might be overwhelmed with his own problems. Him not responding may have nothing to do with her. If he doesn't have his own oxygen mask, he can't be there for her. It might be more her sensitivities from past events making her take this situation more personally. I find when I have moved to another state those relationships usually become more distant. That's pretty normal. Sounds like time to make more friends locally, or join a caretaker support group and be around others who are also struggling with a family health crisis. I did care taking for several years when I had a family member dying from cancer. I found most friends couldn't relate with what I was dealing with on a deep level. It hurt not having supportive friends. When I joined a caretaker support group it was a huge relief to be supported by others dealing with similar situations. I love what Fairy said about spending time with someone at least 6 times before revealing deeply personal struggles. I will take that advice myself! I needed to hear that, thanks 🙂
Finally, finally learning from past mistakes, I recognized the beginnings of a self-centered connection with someone I met recently and decided not to respond to their texts. Best to nip a problem in the bud even if you are vilified for so doing.
You have the capacity to pay attention to people who are self centered...and they love that!!! And you will crapfit to these kind of relationships. And they love that, bcz they can't get everyone to do that. They love to have people concentrated on their problems, And they are not interested to give them back. That's how they roll. Somebody who didn't have a trauma, Probably would sense the shallowness.
I can totally resonate with this! Good luck to the writer and her husband in a new city! 💗💗💗 I have watched the suggested vid as well. It all makes sense, ccf, and its so helpful to have a strong person/relationship/marriage where you can have the "buffer zone". I'd like to make a request: could you do a vid on how ladies make friends with other ladies lol? I still find it so hard and just the term "woman" brings up so many negative connotations for me, personally. Thanks again!
Thank you for sharing support with our letter write - and glad you're enjoying the channel. Great idea! I'll be sure to pass your video suggestion along to Anna for consideration. - Ashley, Team Fairy
I agree and just knowing how pervasive child abuse is by reading Anne Salter's book Predators: Pedophiles, Rapists, and other Sex Offenders... I have less excitement I'll find others of character much less a sex partner with good character. I'll be putting my energy toward skill building with others and just have sexual fun by myself. Lol... If someone comes along I will not have huge celebration but I'll be engaged in receiving and reciprocating. But, I will ever be watching for the monster. I have seen how long things remain hidden
This has plagued me throughout my life. I am in my sixties now and have learned to count on and rely on myself because most friends and family members in my life only care about what they are going through and that’s it.
I stupidly learnt this the hard way and I still fall for it My mother put me and my sister in danger with strange men. And she still to this day says shit like this "I don't know how he could of done that with you, he was boring and would only do missionary with me" We were talking about 2 very serious sexual assualts here. She was also sending me pictures of vegetables during this conversation. Don't expect them to be sane either.
This happened to me with two “friends” I had known for 30 years. I was sort of the unofficial “social director” for the group. I hosted most of the get-togethers, catered to them, was always there for them. Then when I had chemo, they started treating me like a second class citizen even though I never asked them for anything during my treatment. Finally, I asked them why they were so condescending to me. They went into a rage and not only dumped and ostracized me, but went on a smear campaign and won over a few of our mutual friends. I realize now that this has always been a “crapfit” situation. Everything was great as long as they could use me. They couldn’t tolerate me needing help, even though all I asked for was emotional support.
Awful but not surprising. Its a narcissistic society we live in and people don’t want the ‘burden’ of dealing with other peoples problems they only want to offload there’s to feel relief and have no consideration of the person they’re placing in the role of emotional dumptruck
That’s why I stay away from groups and organizations. It’s called mob mentality. It will always be this way. Human nature is a very ugly thing. I live alone. I am not lonely. I do love reading the comments and replying to them. Many of them I have an opinion on. But it’s just my opinion. Sometimes I hope it helps because I’ve been in the same situation. As Beau would say, it’s just a thought.😊
When I was growing up (1970s), neighbors did a lot of the things for each other that you describe here (giving a ride, watching each other's kids, sharing a meal). I remember my mother doing a lot to help two elderly sisters across the street from us. And our family was not at all religious, but I noticed that people who were had strong support networks through their churches. I wonder if part of the problem is that today we are all looking to our friends to take up the slack created by a total breakdown of any sense of community.
I think the micro connections within your community are absolutely important. I felt the loss of those connections during lockdown and really didn't realize how important they are until they were gone.
Absolutely. Regardless of growing up in the same abusive environment,I'm estranged from 2 of my siblings, mostly because I feel they can't be understanding to my troubles.
So true. Its heartbreaking, especially when they try to turn the tables and make you out like you're a problem because you learn to recognize and distance yourself due to seeing the dynamic between you and them.
Most people are confronted by other people's problems and emotions. I have friends I have known for 45 years, who completely deserted me when I was going through a divorce and the worst time of my life. Now that I am ok, they are back in my life again. I too have no family but I think people who do have family just think that you are taken care of, like they are.
I really agree with you. People who have family support don't understand so either you have to really spell it out or you gotta find people who understand
@@royalregal722 They are childhood friends, and they live a long way away with their own lives and families so I kind of give them a second chance. They definitely could have reached out though as they knew what I was going through. But as I say, pretty much no one was there for me - divorce and abuse is confronting for people. Especially divorce. People freak out and don't want anything to do with you as though it's catching, or you're going to steal their husband or god knows what.
I'm always the one who puts in 100% in friendships but only receive 20% back. I decided a few months back to just focus on myself, not force new friendships to develop and not to chase after one sided friendships. A true, healthy friendship requires 2 people to work at it, give and take.
I also think there's an epidemic of people who have absolutely lost the art of Conversation 101--especially in the listening, asking, and NOT talking over the one who is actually doing the talking. It's infuriating.
Very true! Last year I became friends with someone who's 25 years younger than me (I'm 56), who told me that women he tried to date *_"have no attention span."_* I thought that was pretty sad.
Ah, as someone who takes genuine interest in people ( listening , asking questions, remembering conversations) I’ve attracted the wrong people lol. And every guy thinks I’m flirting with them because ‘pretty girls don’t give attention to guys they don’t like’. I’ve been told this by several guys.
@@PENH5428 I am what most people would call "fairly unattractive" female (I can admit it) but I know how to have good conversations with men and women. My good friend who I have known for over 35 years actually accuses me of *flirting with guys* when I am simply having a non-flirty conversation. Long story short, not only guys think it's flirting behavior; some women who are insecure (like my friend) also think that just having a conversation is *_flirting"._* It's kinda sad actually.
“”Because you have a trauma imprint, You have the capacity to listen to people who are self centered and you’ll crapfit to that.” Oh my goodness..lightbulb moment. Ding, ding ding!!!
Every video I watch I feel like I am the one talking! It's just that I didn't have these exact words before that match my life story, and I don't talk much :) thanks for this video too, just like for other videos of yours.
I can relate to this so well. Usually, people that are going through hard times don't have a lot to give others, as they are only focused on their own needs. Then when they are doing well, they forget those that helped them in their time of need. Real friends are few and far between. I have learned to put people in the category that they belong in... telephone acquaintances (people that call me maybe 3 times a year with idle chatter), business associates (people I hire to do work around the house), neighbors. I do have a couple of neighbors that have helped me when I was sick/in need. I am not actively looking for close friends anymore, as I am retired, live alone, and just want to enjoy the peace and quiet. My life has had too much "people drama" and now I avoid it at all costs! God bless you, Ms. Anna! I just appreciate you sooooo much for all the great things you do.
The essence of this to me is to take your time in finding good, caring friends. Don't be upset if a new friend shows you that they are not willing to give back what you give so willingly to them. It's just them being themselves, and showing you that they are not for you....
If someone can’t even spare a second to listen to you or even ask how you are leave. Not worth your time. Their loss. Don’t let anyone make you believe your too much. You deserve love ❤️
I recently identified that my friends are highly self centred and they like it that my life is miserable. That's because growing up I was good at everything and they were jealous of me. But being with me gave them power so they stayed. Now that I am going through all the issues that are caused by CPTSD, they are loving it! Mostly they will listen to me being sad but they ghost me when I am happy and I want to share my happiness or when I want to have a normal friendship. They only like it when I am sad so that they can feel good abt themselves and treat me like a charity case! My happiness takes away their power over me! So basically it's just a power game not a true friendship!
It's so crazy how people use others to make themselves feel good. It's kind of like a drug addiction. It's so sad, because those type of people prevent themselves from finding true and fulfilling friendships.
Yes, this is exactly what happened to me. I dumped all if them for good! They only hungout with me go's I was the "cool" outgoing one and they were introverted. I had my other friends in college. But the users only wanted to hang around me cos I knew a lot of people. They were happy I got ill. But when I got better and had goals, especially career goals, they got angry and jealous. I dumped all the toxic friends and kept my outgoing genuine friends.
Sadly it’s kind of the definition of “misery loves company”…..And highly dysfunctional people may want to see you do well even sometimes but not better than them🤪 There are many who surround themselves with people they perceive to be doing worse than themselves so that they can feel good. Not all these people have bad hearts but they do have bad minds. Many people do this unconsciously, like Anna described here there are many who simply don’t know that they can’t hold space for your feelings. They often can’t hold space for their own. Even if they complain. There is a way to protect yourself from these people.
So much of your subject matter resonates with me; thank you! After 50+ years of knowing people who couldn't believe that not all mothers cherish their children, I felt that I'd never find others who'd experienced this neglect. Your channel and subscribers are amazing; we all work toward healing. You provide an incredible insight and service so that we can work on taking care of ourselves. It's horrifyingly destructive to a child to tell them (and show them)"your needs are unnecessary, demanding, ridiculous, selfish?" My needs/wants (mom & dad) are the only legitimate ones. "Your duty (as a 3 year old child) is to take care of me/us." With your guidance, may we all develop into the fulfilled and confident adults we were meant to be.
An old ´friend´tried to rekindle our friendship of young adult years. I fitted the role she had for me then. Now, I have healed, at least partly. I expected her to have matured, too, but she is exactly the same. Now, that I see the narcissism, it seems unreal. She treated me as badly, as years ago. I called her on Xmas. Her adult child was visiting her with boyfriend. My ´friend´ did not even wish me merry xmas, just abruptly expressed her child was there, no time to talk. As if I was some intruding salesman. This seems not a big deal, but her other stuff is so much worse. The phone call was about as if I am not someone she can talk to when real people are with her. Even she must have known it was rude. She really had me boxed in as someone not worth while but good enough as an audience (which she needs where ever she goes). The times we met for a hobby, she talked 99,98 per cent of the time. I go no contact. I run into her at times, and she seems to have no idea what´s going on because I remain polite and reserved. I am not as bold that I could just walk pass her and say, I am in a hurry (going into the same building).
Seems like everyone is too narcissistic now. Nobody gives a shit about anything but themselves. I used to be very empathetic, call and check on people, but a really good friend. I just got used. Like many of the commenters on here. I’m done.
That is good advice to not bring up big problems early/to build up to bigger problems with friends. It lets you know who is really listening or who would care about the big stuff. Plus, it gives you practice in casually conversing without the goal of guaranteed deep connection, and let’s you appreciate people as they are. Knowing they don’t need to know everything right now, and knowing that as you connect more on small things they will be able to support you better later is important. Plus, I wanted to be the kind of friend who people would feel supported by. I wanted deep emotional connections, and you’re not going to get that by snapping your fingers. It’s gotta build, and be constructed together.
They either like you or they don’t. They are giving and compassionate by nature, or they aren’t. Quit the game playing and be upfront. Why waste your time finegelling a friendship? That’s called manipulation.
@@ravenmeyer3740 Building connection for the purpose of mutual trust and support is not manipulation. Building connection through lying, or with the end goal of using the person for emotional labor is. If you plan to put in just as much emotional and relationship labor, it is fine and healthy to want a friend who would do the same for you. Plus, you have to get to know someone before you or they can determine if you are compatible, are fond of each other, and want the same things from a friendship. Even if you really get along with someone right when you meet them, it doesn’t mean they would know how to respond to big problems in your life or be ready to deal with those emotional demands right off the bat.
I love your channel so much! Yes i do have to admit that its never okay to pile or trauma dump on friends or family. But at the same time, friendships/family or relationships are meant for us to speak about problems or how unkind life can be and about needing HELP. I am so tired of how cold and heartless this sociey is now, whereby we can't even ask for help or just vent or explain our problems without been seen as " being too much", or a "Narcissist", or being an "energy vampire". Almost having to always walk on egg shells around people and never truly be ourselves or always keeping relationships superficial to "keep people", in our lives, who could easily leave with just a snap of a finger. Its so exhausting, it feels like we can't be ourselves any more, just inhumane....
i started talking about what's going on in my life cus i've been having a hard time and got the response, u want me to be happy right? and so she proceeded to talk about her problems and her relationship. she's no longer my friend.
The truth is, we should be able to share problems, but it needs to be a two way street. I’m not ashamed of my problems, and never be ashamed of yours. If you come off as overwhelming, so be it. Maybe other people should take a look in the mirror and see how they come off as well. Perhaps they should try to understand why and where that’s coming from, rather than how it makes their fragile little egos feel. That’s the bottom line. Anyway, that’s how I try to understand people.
Most of my “friends” let me down when I needed them the most. I went through a divorce alone, and one of my “friends” of 20 years to whom I opened up (the first time ever talking about the heavy stuff) and she decided to tell me that our friendship was nothing to her and that she was just friends with me out of obligation. Every time I open up I get abandoned or don’t receive the support I need. And it’s not because I vomit my emotions on them. I take my time and I’m very cautious before opening up. Now I’m in a relationship with a man who seems to want to be there for me, but I can’t open up anymore. I fear that the moment I open up, he’ll abandon me.
Have you ever read the books by Brene Brown? I've only read one, but it got me thinking a bit differently about vulnerability, like, maybe it's better to let people see it earlier on and they can flee then if they're too immature to deal with it, much better than finding out 20 years later that they're actually a jerk. I had the same thing happen to me and it hurt deeply. Best wishes to you!
Good riddance to her. What an unhappy person to visit that upon you. Always remember, it wasn’t you. It wasn’t about you. It is about her. It’s her problem, not yours. I think this has happen to many of us.
@@TheLiquidCat Yes! That is the key. Go and be open about your emotions and don’t shy away from your struggles. That way you will attract people who are comfortable with vulnerability
When I was run over by a car when I was 19, I cried out to God to save my life out on that dark boulevard. Aterwards, my relationships radically changed. All my former friends were suddenly uncomfortable around me and drifted away, forever, just when I needed them most. But, looking back, it was a good thing. It opened the door to new friends and a different worldview. As far as family relationships go, the old saying is "blood is thicker than water". Throw that out. Instead, think spirit is stronger than blood. Find kindred spirits. To do that, you, many times, have to leave the former to properly attach to the latter. Hard, I know, but necessary.
Interesting note to my story. 3 weeks ago, one of the former friends who quickly left my life back in 1980, when I was nearly killed, just had a near fatal car accident. He broke his neck. He will never be the same. He reached out to me for urgent prayer after all these years. He is despondent and pretty much alone. For a nano-second, I thought, where were you when I needed you 43 years ago? But, instead, I've encouraged him on a daily basis, prayed for him every day, and offered to bring him supplies and groceries, even though he lives 120 miles away. I feel for him. I've rekindled our friendship. The long-ago past seems irrelevant now. He is broken both physically and emotionally. I will help him as long as he needs me.
I’ve had to find a new family. It’s my cats now and sometimes that’s enough and other times it isn’t but at least they’re there for me and come to soothe me when I’m sad
@@philippagrimoire5968 That's great, but you're not a cat. Get Anna's tools. Don't give up! There is love out there. If I knew you personally, I'd love you unconditionally. I'm sure I'm not the only one out there like that. Jeremiah 29:11.
My prayer 15 years ago wasn't, "Lord, find me the cutest, most wonderful girl you can find". My prayer was, "Find me someone who needs me the most so I can love them towards wholeness". God answered my prayer. I got a 400 pound woman, who was slowly dying, but had a heart of gold. Today, she is a healthy, vibrant, 175 pound woman who is loved by just about everyone.
I learned this when I got extremely ill and in the hospital. Pretty much had no one during six months nearly if recovery except for one or two family members. Could barely move much less walk, drive(follow up with doctors)I’m still stunned that people could behave that way with someone they are supposed to care about. Then when I gray rocked during Thanksgiving and Christmas that people complained that I had an attitude. No one ever asked me how I was doing etc, as if nothing at all that happened even though I nearly died twice it was in the hospital for two weeks. shortly after that I had to shut my business down and which I did custom cakes. No one said anything about that either nor has anyone ever said anything to me about it to this day and that was back in 2017. Closing my cake shop down killed me Because it was my only source of income and I was too ill. It took too long to recover to keep it going. All of this toxic behavior just told me that they don’t care/I’m not worth caring about. Unless I could do something for them I’m not thought about at all and any success I have seen as a threat for some reason. So many people have been blocked on social media since complaints were going around that I brag too much now that I’m a book author, something that I started while I was in bed recovering all those months. So now they don’t have to see me not hear anything about what I’m doing and I certainly don’t volunteer that information. I don’t do family events in any capacity anymore since I have learned to recognize my role as a scapegoat in the family and amongst friends. It’s a double whammy ! Had that been the other way around I definitely would have been there for them. I have always been there for anybody that needs help. As a loyalist, if you are a friend to me, then you have my support and I’ve got your back . That’s part of my problem. I’m too damn nice which makes me a doormat.
I’m totally a magnet for these one sided blabbermouths. But I’ve slowly gotten better at filtering them out earlier on. It’s hard bc I’m naturally a listener and not a sharer or bold about making others listen. It’s also hard bc I had one of those one sided crazy moms lol
someone says your too sensitive =you won't let me disrespect you What they say is: “You’re being too dramatic.” “Do we always need to talk about our feelings?” “Everything’s fine. Why are you so upset?” “I can’t do this.” What they are really saying is: “I am afraid of your pain because I do not allow myself to feel my own.” “I am afraid of your vulnerability because I never learned how to be vulnerable.” “I do not have the tools to handle conflict, so I will avoid it.” “I am afraid of failing because I don’t know how to take care of you.”
This has basically happened to me all my life - 'fake friends'. It's always okay when they're talking about themselves, I mean non trauma related things, when I've tried to talk about things I've done they just don't have any interest in it at all. They just use it as a 'prompter' to talk more about something about them! Happened all my life! Either they become toxic or disappear! I remember as a child the 'mother' saying things to me like 'I don't know what you want from me', I'm not super human', You're getting on my nerves' - she would even 'parrot' things back to me that I said to her in insidious sarcastic ways like mimicking. I'm now 64 years old, I can't see things changing now!
This hits so close to home. This is what my sister does to me! In fact, she did it today. This is not a friend. This is all the family I have left, and it's toxic.
This happened to me. Two surgeries nearly back to back, nearly died twice and no one really bothered with me other than my mother and a cousin. No one at all helped me with housework once I came home, brought meals by, just checked on me to see if I was okay, etc. Due to my surgery(which took place in my torso area) I could barely move. I am still grappling with realizing just how unimportant I became when I really needed help. This happened years ago but it's still kind of raw. How do you nearly die, TWICE, and no one looks up? Cut everyone off after that because if you didn't have these so-called friends (and yes, family too)when you really, really needed them then you don't need them now. In fact, I don't think I ever had them in the first place. This was a hard, but good lesson learned about who you let into your life. I am sorry this happened to you too.
The part you just said about your own story, no mum, no sister, no partner, takes time to cultivate the right kind of support, that’s where I am, but hearing you say it and knowing you’ve been there delivers a strength to those of us now in the tunnel 🙏🏾💐💕 thank you so much, I love this channel and the name you chose for it lol
I too recently felt that if I share my troubles or pain with the people who I thought I was close to, they become scarce. Then I read a thing by Enstien and it went something like this, "Never share your problems with anyone, 70% will be glad and only 10% will really care." I assume the other 20% would be indifferent. So I decided right then and there that I will learn to be more self-sufficient and try to solve my problems as much as I can alone. Also watching videos such as yours helps tremendously! (Funny its been weeks and my friends haven't even noticed the difference) I will only be the "fun friend", going forward. Friendship is nice, icing on the cake but I've learned the hard, lonely way-- it has its limits. Also, I had a neighbor who taught me the difference between an acquaintance and a friend. There are plenty of acquaintances out there, but a true friend is like a needle in a haystack.
I am tempted by this way of thinking too, but I can't always solve my problems alone and don't think it's healthy to expect each other to. However I am very exhausted by being or having the Problems Only friend. In my experience not many people want to hold space for your joy AND your difficulties, it takes a lot of emotional range. It's more efficient to assign people a role in life and consign them to it, so people do that. A good friend is a needle in a haystack for sure, emotional resonance plus alignment with goals and being able to accept and make time for the other. A rare occurrence. However I enjoy being friendly with most people on a surface level and getting a sense of friendliness & humanity from those everyday interactions is a lot more sustainable than diving in deep with every next Joe who seems like they /could/ be a friend. I envy people with solid long lasting friendships but also understand those only come with time, investment and care, and even so often aren't as fulfilling as one would hope. As a friend once said "others are not the Source"
You don't have parents, you don't have a partner, you don't have a sister and you don't have a best friend and that's why life is hard.Yes. But the abusive upbringing made it impossible to have those things and to relate to people in a healthy way. So it's a catch 22 and a cycle that is self-perpetuating.While mothers like mine stand back and watch and say, 'See, I told you she was no good.Everybody leaves her'
Having used the re-regulating Daily Practice since the free download and taking the course, EVERY video is an amazing new insight into a lifetime of struggle. The struggle is nearly gone. Joy is lighting the way. Thank you, Anna. I urge viewers to use the Daily Practice. Brilliant offering.
The Daily Practice is a technique that Anna uses to heal brain dysregulation. She has a free course on it which you can learn about here: bit.ly/CCF_DailyPractice Enjoy! - Ashley, Team Fairy
"you have the capacity to pay attention to someone who is self-centered, and they love that." ..... never heard it put that way but dang... this was affirming for me.
You used the term 'emotionally intact' at the end and I would love to hear a really thorough description of these type of people - what they might say, and do, to make them so.
l just ended a friendship like this after she didnt take my childs needs into consideration, treating her like 'the help'. She always talked about her needs, and problems and l was always there for her. What you describe Anna is exactly the Ex friend l had. Now l feel relieved and free. My parents are so much like that. They would get annoyed and angry if we hurt ourselves as kids (siblings and me) or if we talked about anything psychological, she would retort, "Oh dont be so stupid" obviously because they had no idea about the human mind. Bullying and physical discipline was how my parents controlled us and still try to control us. Especially if you dont agree with their homophobic, racist and bigotted views. When l needed surgery and wanted my mum to be there for me and my kids during this time, l had to wait ten years for her to retire from work. Yep, l dont have a partner, friend, sibling or parent that wanted to help me.
I did the same as You did - ended an old friendship for the same reason for a couple of days ago which has been lasted 18 years. It was not a good friendship at all and she was only take, take,take and all was about her. I feel as You do for now, very free in my inner and I don't want her back as a friend.
@@CoMorbiditty My ex-friend call me yesterday. And I answered The Phone just to hear: The same thing = all about her and that she did not trust me, that I ... vas mean and wan't her ill etc. I was speachless. And this week even my ex has died. No mercy att all from her. I felt sorry (really!) for her. But in fact she show me even moore of her selfish thinking 🙄🤔 I will not call her anymoore. I don't want that "kind of friend".
I have noticed how I look at relationships I have with people in my life in a new way the more I heal. I decided to stop investing my energy in a lot of relationships so I don't have a lot of friends. At first it caused me so much anxiety but now I am ok with it, it is just not what I want for myself and it's not worth my energy. I am making space for better connections and I do think there is something about the state we are in that on many different levels attracts/resonates with people. My focus is to be regulated, content and true to myself in my life.
I live in the other continent but the problem is the same, haha, people also talk only about their problems even if I try to put a line in a friendship where we only enjoy time together but do not share our problems. I think this kind of people are just want a free of charge therapist who gonna listen them 24/7, this is extremely selfish and rude.
I see that I distance myself from people with big problems (serious illness, ill partner, etc.) because my own life is just all I can handle right now. I used to be a big giver of time and energy to my friends, I'd like to be again, but I am currently getting no support, and I just can't ...
I also have no friends for this reason I'm 54 cut all my selfish narcissistic so called friends,put up with it for years trying to help everyone no more 🤦🏻♀️🙏🏼💕
Oh boy...sounds familiar. To cope with this, I have a habit of dropping such "friends" like hot rocks. Boom, we're done. Like Pleiades, I'm still looking for those "better" people.
The guy at the gym, or anyone like him, demonstrates his lack of empathy. Empathy is one of the elements of emotional intelligence. Dust yourself off when you meet someone with zero regard for your struggles, and be glad he/she disappeared.
This is why I don't open up to people anymore. I'm always the listener but as soon as the situation is reversed their gone. Yet to find someone who means it when they say 'you know you can talk to me about anything'. I basically don't trust this sentiment is genuine anymore.
As usual, you are incredibly insightful. I can relate to this so much. My family would say, " Shut up or I'll give something to cry about, " anytime I dared show feelings. My ex would say, " Why are you doing this to me?" Then get angry and leave. I don't feel safe talking about my feelings or needs to anyone. Even therapists don't seem to understand what I mean when I try to explain why I feel bad. It's like I speak a foreign language. I try not to be victimy and take responsibility for myself, but my feelings piss others off. No matter how hard I try not to blame or be understanding, my feelings are punished. How can I be allowed to have feelings and share them, without punishment or drama?
Sad to hear so many experiences this lack of true friendships 💔 Appreciate we are all different, we need more kindness, compassion for ourselves. Lets be our own best friend. I know it's human to connect to others, it feeds, nourishes our souls, unfortunately too many takers, or empty people, until it happens to them, even then, some aren't capable of connecting, sharing, feeling, it is what it is. I find most people at alanon groups great to share, and connect with. But you still find odd person who not there for genuine reasons. 🤔 Much love ❤ thank you ,great video
I feel like the woman who wrote this letter *may* have been her parent's confidante/therapist as a child. At the very least, her mom was emotionally unavailable. It feels to me like she's subconsciously re-creating that childhood dynamic in her current friendships. From my personal experience: building a friendship with someone that is emotionally available and listens to you may feel extremely uncomfortable if it's something you're unfamiliar with. Doesn't mean you shouldn't try though!
Let me preface this by saying, I’m not judging the writer of this letter… it seems like she’s definitely been in positions in which she has been the eternal giver, and others love to take. What I want to address is the situation of bringing up your own serious issues in *response* to another person’s expression of going through a troubled time. I think it might be an instinctual act for people, thinking it relays that they understand and can commiserate. However, it can make the other person feel like they didn’t hear me, or worse, it seems like they think their problem is more important. I hope this writer gets to a point where she feels she can open again and ask for help or share her emotions with a close friend. But I really recommend that they do it at a time when the other friend hasn’t just stated that they are going through something really difficult. It may come off wrong, and the other person may not have the ability to respond as they might normally would during a period when they are doing well.
Thank you, my exact thought. It is not only the act of opening up is important but also its receiver and timing. It is very possible that the letter writer were not thought how because of their parents, which is really sad. However, it was clear from the letter that the man was struggling himself mentally. That person had difficulty with his own problems, it is completely understandable that he will not be the one to help someone else.
Oh man. This sounds like typical savior seeking behavior that you see in most people. It's important not to personalize and internalize that. Most people are so lost, they gravitate towards people who look like they "have it all together" (cough cough influencer craze). Once that mask slips or the illusion is broken, their motivation shows. It also seems like that old joke where someone talks and talks about themselves but the second you try to speak about yourself they shut down/ lose interest. This is as old as time, but probably has gotten so much worse in our current era of narcissism. We also live in such a transactional time. It's really sad but most people do not understand how to connect with others earnestly, spiritually, and unselfishly. If someone can't calculate a reward for themselves, they simply shut off. They don't necessarily do it on purpose but definitely subconsciously. Also, she may just need to get better at "reading the room" or the moment so to speak. If a friend is going through something and needs an ear or shoulder to cry on, that's not the best time to bring up your own problems. However, if your emotional support is rarely or never reciprocated, then yea lose that "friend." There's an old term that needs to be brought mainstream again, "fair-weather friends." I'm only 40 but it's surprising to me how many people don't know what this is. It sums up perfectly what this lady was describing. And once you are aware you can recognize these types of people much sooner.
The only thing I can say is that this gay guy sounds like an user and probably emotionally unavailable person. I am struggling with the same issue but I sense it is probably that you open about yourself fron zero to going very deep and personal and scare people off who are not capable of intimacy
Yes the “too much” thing is like being told we’re “too sensitive”….Don’t just automatically take it all on yourself…they could be more sensitive too!! Like Anna says here we have to be careful of the over share. We have to move slowly into intimacy in ALL relationships. Very slowly. We can hold a basic level of trust for most people, but we need to pay attention with discernment, not hyper vigilance, to their behavior. Then we can adjust our trust based on that. I had to learn that even people in “safe” healing groups might not be able to be closer as friends one on one. We have these deep wounds from being so profoundly rejected. We tend to forget that everyone else is not for us, so why would we be for everyone? It’s honestly rarely personal & we must be careful taking things personally.
People who tell you be compassionate, be kind, give without expectations are the very people who don’t do as they preach. I was amazed at how quickly they are gone when it was their turn to give another 10 minutes out of their time to hear me, to sit with me, or to listen to me when I most needed it. What an irony isn’t it .?
Everyone wants their best friend to be a golden retriever. Ass kissing, no boundaries... Nobody wants to be friends with real humans, they're all selfish. I'm sick of being a good friend because I'm sick of being treated like crap but expected to be everybody's cute emotional dish rag. People treat each other like crap. I decided I'm only available for good treatment. ❤
Hi Anna - will do a video on pets and how important they are to us and we’ll putting them first. They are extensions of ourselves and when you said about putting our needs first, it triggered that this means our pets too. ❤ My Narc mom is so jealous of my dog. I have had to set a boundary with my mom. I no longer do anything with her that takes more than an hour because my dog needs me. I use to give more of myself to my mom but she would say things “ like why did you bring him” or “ you spoil him”. It’s kinda implied that my mom comes first. Who says? - my dog is loyal, reliable, unconditional loving 🥰 and kind to me, she is not.
My "mother" was SO jealous of a kitten I adopted when I was just starting out in life after her savage abuse all my childhood and teen years. She was inviting me for dinner or to go somewhere..I wanted NOTHING TO DO WITH HER....after my father died I never had to see her again... She started trying to get the rest of my screwy family to go in with her TO HAVE ME COMMITTED! In HER VIEW I was mentally ill for wanting to stay home with this very young adorable kitten.... Thankfully for once HER sister spoke up... She had come over to my rental to let plumbers work while I was at work... She COMPLETELY fell in love with my new kitten..AND SHE NEVER LIKED CATS... I look back and it IS TERRIFYING how dangerous most of my "FAMILY" was...
@@Fae313 it’s not about the dog, it’s not wanting to be around my mom. I know I didn’t explain it well. I leave my dog for more than an hour - lol. I have limited free time, I would prefer to limit my time with my mom.
@@rturney6376 oh okay I totally get that! Thanks for responding, I was just curious. Good for you for setting boundaries around your time and energy 💪 your dog is lucky to have such a loving caregiver ❤️
Sharing problems can be so easily weaponized in smear campaigns later, after the love-bombing stops. Howdy-do and listen, sense your body reactions and wait before adopting new friendships.
The late Mother Teresa of Calcutta said, "We are never alone." If you're able to volunteer, try that in something you're interested in. You can meet a lot of people that way. And tomorrow is a new day. Things will get brighter for you.
Anna is spot on. Time is the key to finding congruent people. I'm at a point where triggers are much much reduced and I instead of black and white, good or bad, keep or cut. I observe and if they have good qualities and listen and come through but have off days or forget to ask, because people are people. I accept that. People mostly are inherently good. (From somebody who was a hardened misanthrope, to say that is progress). I accept their strengths and weaknesses and the important thing I worked on was my expectations of others. Others are not me and I am not others. Helped massively.
So much of this video resonates with me. I think that this is the hardest, because "normal" people just dont get us, we are weird to them... and they dont care to figure it out, ... so who is left....? .... the dysfunctional people. That is who. I am so tired of it. Pete Walker wrote in his book, that those who overcome cPTSD become very mature + more + more.... so normal people who have never been through real real trauma just dont get it... they dont get our teary eyes, or why we are triggered, etc. Maybe in the USA being tolerant of someone being triggered is becoming a social norm, but here in central Europe its like 30 years ago in the US.
I remember when I used to be that person. Always on rescue missions, but the momment I was struggling, I was too much. Now if someone is dying or whatever, I am like that’s not my business. Done with Non profit work 😂😂😂😂!
Haven’t we all been this person, and known this person. The first thing that comes to mind is from a Brene Brown, ‘oversharing to hotwire connection is counterfeit intimacy’. And the other thing is covert contracts. It’s actually difficult to even find therapists who can hold space for you to vent beyond a certain point. Let alone someone who’s isn’t being paid. Oversharing with people who don’t have the bandwidth always makes things awkward afterwards.
This is such good advice. I just had a huge falling out with a friend I have known just shy of one year. Six months ago, I stopped talking to him because of his rude comments but I felt guilty so I reached out to him had him back in my life. Recently I got absolutely fed up with his self-absorbed behavior that I lashed out at him. 😢 I was very shaken by the experience since I've had similar friendships and fallouts before, so it made me feel guilty again. And I also felt this sense of doom that I will never have good friends in my life. Anna's explanation was what I was looking for. She made me realize that I didn't have the sense to realize that he could never give me what I need in our friendship- reciprocation of support I always give him- in the initial stage of us becoming friends. 😢 Now I know that I need to treat friendships like dating and study the way I interact with someone before becoming fast friends.
~A few days ago i found myself ranting for a couple of hours about current resentments~I recently had decided when i got like that, id stop & write a resentments & fears list, then meditate, but i was driving & even if id had paper, i did not have time to stop & even write a list, so in my mind i imagined myself writing what i was resenting, and i immediately felt a shift?!?~It was truly astonishing?!?~Usually i cant make myself stop once i get worked up like that?!~It was absolutely incredible!!!~☆~
It's taken me a long, long time to realize this. I've only realized it because in the last few years I've found a few friends that are actually supportive, don't constantly interrupt me or try to one up me, seem to be interested in me rather than putting up with me. I used to think those type of 'supportive' people were being fake, now I'm realizing I've been selling myself short my whole life. It's almost amazing.
I have had numerous friends like this. I’m adopted and do have abandonment issues. During 7 months of cancer treatment I rarely had any visits and support!
I'm sorry for your experience. Another cancer survivor here, I had the same experience. At least I know, who are my real friends and family. I hope you're OK. 🌹❤
Ahhh.. listened to the end of your video again and found the answer to my own question... Because I tend to pay attention to those who are more self-centered, and the self-centered people notice that I'm standing around listening to them talk about their life issues, etc, then I'm more likely to get hurt or let down by this person--this person is not likely someone I should be letting into my life. It's interesting because when I think about it logically without being in the situation, my reaction is to stay away from those who would try to spew all their problems onto me upon first meeting me. But in the moment of it actually happening, I'm pretty much unable to decipher or recognize this. Thanks for the video!
Just in time as always. I've been battling with these thoughts for the past two weeks. I kept going back to the way my mom is and I see it reflected in these odd friendships I have. Thanks for explaining it so well.
There are many therapists, but after a degree in Psychology, life's lessons, and therapy sessions, group and private, I can tell when there is a great therapist. It's you. Thank you so much!!
