Your False Self Keeps You From Finding People Who Love the REAL YOU. 

Not just women, but all people, and of all sexual orientations.

We have to post this and email this to people we know especially the young ones. 32 of those is not near enough people singing this crucial advice. As I'm writing a comment On a related subject I'm listening to her say the same things I'm typing. As slow as you think you can go, go even slower. The right person will be happy to be with you and have you around. Time reveals MOTIVES as well. It is your FRIEND.

@@HopeWins777yes

Um, women aren't the only ones who do this. My last few relationships I even say "let's just be ourselves..." And they still fake it, on their best behavior, etc. After a few months in, they can't keep it up. When I am honest with them and what I deal with, they seem to underestimate what it takes and change their minds. UGH. 😢

Nobody loves me either. But I'll take no love all day beside narcissist parents. I've been sitting alone in the quiet for 25 years after 20 years of abuse.

I was the same, but I'll take "weird" over feeling empty. No matter what I do, people still think I am weird. The bottom line is that you have to be happy with you. What other people think doesn't matter. I know it's hard to form close bonds, but it's better to find the few who like you for who you are verses the many who like you for what you can do for them. (The people who enjoy the people pleasing like what you can offer, not you.) I still enjoy helping people, but I am much happier now staying to myself and focusing on my own life. It took a long time for me to learn not to let what others say get to me, but I've learned that whatever it is, it's their problem to solve and not mine. I always tried to solve people's problems for them when I was younger, adjusting myself to their needs, and so on. It just leaves you being a shell of your former self and it's not worth it. People need to learn how to solve their own problems and we need to focus on ours. Being kind is always good, just don't keep putting in effort and sticking around those who you notice are two faced towards you. The people who are genuine will cross your path.

I think that people look as being weird to anyone who is not conventional in the sense that they are being authentic and living out of the box or their supposed "persona" (in Jung's terms). People supposed to much just in a few words conversation and sometimes even a glance. If someone could ask your neighbors, they will say they know you well when you have exchanged just a few words over the years. We all think we are smarter than we are.

Idk..sometimes when I'm just being my weird self is the only time I'll attract people...the harder I try, the less results I get..but at the same time, I get what you're saying

I feel like that too. Know that you're not weird, you're rare, unique. Why would you want to settle for ordinary people? I know it's difficult, but try to remember, those aligned with you, are not the ordinary kind. You'll find them. Keep healing, keep becoming your truth and they'll show up at the right moment. Much love ❤

I am in a similar boat. I got tired of the ghostings from online dating. Since age 39, Ive been on only 2 online dates. I deleted apps, and would reload them but delete them within a weeks time. To the point where moreover I don't join those sites at all. Its lonely but I got totally tired out of online dating where to an extent you are in competition with the persons matches. I do not tend to meet men outside of online dating. Its mostly work and then home as my lifestyle. I've become set in my ways now and I am 44 with a dog who is also the love of my life.

Commercial companies are thrilled by this huge pattern in society, currently, a lot of animals are treated better than humans and by humanizing animals we keep devaluing what they bring into relationships as animals - they deserve that respect (as do humans, wether adults or children, they bring different and other important aspects to relationships).

I never heard that Marley quote. Wow. YES. I might use a different word than coward, though. Vampire?

​​​@@CrappyChildhoodFairyAs someone who has been on the other end of this situation I think what you have been saying is that if they awaken what feels to a wounded person Like Love in a matter of weeks, that love object really doesn't have a chance to get to know you in the normal amount of time. They --we--need the space to breathe, and time to think and to learn Who You Are. It's not fair to accuse them of making you love them when they're just getting to know you and taking what you say you have to offer and say you want. Sometimes even if it's sex just tolerating it because they're not ready for that yet. If they still have wounds they may accommodate you but if they don't feel ready yet they may feel resentment even if they try not to feel that way because they know that they had the choice not to give in. If they feel overwhelmed because your expectations are so high, then You're Expecting Real Love Too Soon... if your wounded child pattern is like the one described. I've dated people that were sure they were in Love by the second week and they actually guilt-tripped me for being what they thought was so attractive but "emotionally unavailable" as though something was wrong with me for not loving them back at the speed of light. Although Romance is tough for me I'm actually a very open and giving person in many ways and I have to work to set boundaries so people don't disrespect me or take advantage. But emotional unavailability is a whole other problem than just being pushed too hard too fast. And meanwhile I would see red flags that made me very nervous but didn't have anything to do necessarily with going too fast or suffocating me. Just ordinary red flags like mistreating a waiter I would be waiting to see if they would recur because it was a pattern or wouldn't happen again because it was just a situation. But they would be moving so fast and being on their best fake behavior that I would have no way of finding out. That gave me an urgency to see all those situations as soon as possible so I didn't miss them because things were moving at the speed of light . And with that and the demands and the claustrophobia I felt outright panic. And all the guilt that they were telling me, directly or indirectly, I should feel if I didn't reciprocate their feelings. They would push me into having sex sooner than I was ready and then start doing things like squeezing my knee when we were driving or throwing an arm around me in public... very possessive moves simply because we had been to bed together a time or two and were spending additional time together. That proprietary "I claim you" sort of thing is just unbearable for me. Maybe if we had been committed for a while and expressed that kind of affection at home and both of us were feeling it then maybe some mild displays of affection in public would be comfortable to me. But not that soon. And I might not be looking to date several people at once, but the idea that someone is going to demonstrate their claim on me so that I'm taken off the market among our Social Circle, that too feels controlling. One of the things that can drive me nuts is being forced to act out a scene that they've seen in a movie. For example Maybe I'm cooking for them and doing a good job and I'm at a point where I have to stir a sauce constantly to make sure it doesn't make lumps or something like that ...or I'm elbow deep in dishes or something where I'd be standing with my back to them doing stuff and talking with them. Instead of helping me or just keeping me company they would decide it was a romantic moment and they would pull me away from what I was doing and turn me around and stare deep into my eyes and put their arms around my waist, swooping in for to a deep kiss (or playfully dance although usually they weren't that light-hearted). In multiple things like that they basically announce that we are in a relationship and therefore we're both so besotted with each other that even if your sauce is going to be ruined or your hands have suds to the elbows, my turning you around at that moment won't seem intrusive, it must be equally romantic for both of us. One of them told me that she had day dreams that she would know we loved each other when we laid on top of each other and stared deeply into each other's eyes and cried. I definitely have heard of people crying when they have their first orgasm with someone and I know a lot of the reasons because I've experienced that myself. But for someone to announce that they're expecting that of me and planning for me to spend time laying on top of them or vice versa and staring deeply into their eyes and weeping is clearly a scenario they have that has nothing to do with me. Get creeped me out in a way that felt like that she had come into the bathroom when I was taking care of more than just peeing. Although I like privacy for all those activities. They're hoping to plug me in to their fantasies and that is so disrespectful and controlling. Sometimes people don't realize that what they think is devotion passionate love and wild hopes Is Just clearly a fantasy. It is not about the person they think they're in love with. As the crappy childhood fairy says, they're just plugging in someone who seems like a hopeful candidate. And the hopeful candidates can feel that. If they also have wounds that make them hesitate even if they've done a lot of work, then they may get hooked in to ambivalence and try to please you or try to be that mysterious hard to catch sexy whatever person that you fantasize. If they were healthier they would say I'm not feeling this it's moving too fast and I don't know what it would have been but I don't think I can do this. But they may try to go along and that can feel like leading you on only to abandon you. Even if they feel like they barely escaped with their mind and body and heart intact.

That's not a coward, just a user. It's quite common nowadays to "pump and dump" or "smash and dash". There are numerous YT channels on how to seduce women and then be gone. Men actually call it "The Game". I always ask: games of what? That's gaming women, gaming with woman's emotions.

Funny that Bob Marley said that because his wife was so depressed due to him being unfaithful to her. It's right what the comment above this says, too many videos teaching how to hurt women that seems to make men feel like they are "alpha". I have watched videos about men feeling "lonely" because many women are not into getting played with over and over again. I have even watched videos that the new game for these kind of men is using "healing terms" like "they have been working in their selves and healing their trauma" and bla, bla, bla. It seems like some men are playing new ways to keep playing the same abusive game.

@@Lyrielonwind I gave up dating and have been celibate since 2002. I cannot either go through or put somebody through my damage. I can't say I wouldn't like a relationship, but I am now too scared to even try. I also have a Limerance issue I can't shake off over one relationship very nearly 30 years ago.

By long you mean detailed and cathartic lol

I am the same.

Same 😔

Be your sweet self and when you run into those who like to use people and manipulate kindness.....let them meet the other you😏and make it good...there are many tools..learn how to use them...sarcasm is my favorite...specially when delivered with a saccharine sweet smile...confuses the hell out of them...they know they're being insulted but the smiles got em twisted....

This is easier said than done in the workplace because if you set boundaries you come across as snobbish and what not.

So my question is: have you set your boundaries as such this right level that you are now irresistible? Or is it a pleasant perspective to get comfort in?

Excellent point, I even saw this in friendships.

💯 A lot of guys, especially on dating apps will say they wanna relationship only do they go out on a date with you and suddenly you realize all they really wanted was a hook up. They just said that in order to get you to go out with them. It’s nothing but emotional blackmail and lies to get what they want (sex).

Maybe or maybe he was freaked out by her neediness. He wants that but found out not with her.

When you say that and just blame others you’re literally doing the very thing Fairy is coaching us out of. To be able to take ownership and responsibility for your outcomes. So instead of empowering the author to better understand that just because their love interest has expressed desires for a certain kind of future, it isn’t the same as planning that future with them. They are just saying “hey I’m heading in this direction, are you as well?” And also- to empower the author to take control of their life. Because if this has happened multiple times than instead of being a victim of yourself and what you want to hear you can take the keys and make more informed decisions. But if you’re just gonna hear what you want to hear:: just call them liars or frauds than you are saying you have no control over your life. Because if someone says to you after 2 months of knowing you that they want to have your kids than you should know “okay clearly this person is damaged as well or they may be a fraud but I’m healed enough to know that it’s up to me to set the boundaries to ensure I don’t get hirt and get what I want out of life.

@Sally150 - exactly! The author never said that the love interest told her he wants to have kids with her. She asked and he said “yes I do want kids” . Here is the crux if the issue.. she will have to heal from whatever is causing her to believe that a healthy happy person can make that kind of decision in earnest after a couple months of interactions.

I absolutely agree with you.

If you want a kid more than anything, just get pregnant, dad or no dad. Who knows - he might like the idea of sticking around.

​@@Sally150 But she should still take a close look at whether it is a healthy, good person who is allowed to be there voluntarily or not. And even a man who only wants to play father twice a year could trigger in the child that he or she is not lovable enough for him to be there more often. Then it's better to become a mother and completely detach yourself from the father.

@@meauvelle In this time of humanity, people complicate things too much! I know, I do. What you're saying is fortune telling. If she wants a baby so badly what happens if the perfect MAN doesn't appear?

Choice and birth control are WONDERFUL for many people; like me who never wanted a kid. On the other hand people used to fall in love, get pregnant then get married. If Dad left it was devastating financially but that didn't happen much and it doesn't have to happen now.

I like that question, I dont know whom I am any longer.

I feel you. For me, there is only an absence after letting go of my false self. I am coming to accept this, since I have tried for 30 years to find myself. And, thankfully, I have a somewhat satisfying life despite this.This may not be your story, though. Good luck in your journey. ❤

I know my values and have general interests but... Beyond going to work and sleeping, I am void.of a "life". I don't know how to connect with people and make friends.

​​​@@lindsay3793exactly this! I was one walking continuing dysregulation without knowing it. From 1965 to 2023. But I'm listening to the stuff of Anna and its slowly making sense. But 50+ year old secrets still coming keep coming out. I've finally admitted that l was sodomized as a 9-11 year old plus all the other sexual assaults I did the DP today!

This is the same question I've asked myself. Especially when I look in the mirror 🪞

I agree

There is some truth to this for sure. Though it is also obvious that there were many unhappy marriages. Yet there were other reasons to get married that this fleeting being in love stuff. And that was not necessarily a bad thing. People did not have to make boundaries. Boundaries were all over 😅

Naaaah. The old ways and new ways still exist. The same abuses that existed then exist now. If you’re pining for a time where women had less rights you may want to reconsider

That's my fate, I think. Single as I have always been.

I'm finally there as well, but big thumbs up to you for learning it far sooner than I did

Nothing wrong with being content in your own company .. i am with my dogs and cats all day every day and am totally content . People can be draining

Me too, love my life with my cats and at 70 I've found the love I've looked for is the love I needed to give myself.... It's a privelage to be alone and yet not feel lonely.... so many people can't live without a partner, but happiness is an inside job ❤

Me too. Very little interest in relationship. It's so much work, ugh.

If someone doesn't want to wait to be physically intimate that is a red flag. They are not looking to get to know you and they don't actually like you. They are just looking for someone to attach to as quickly as possible and use to get their needs met. It also indicates low self control and self discipline which are also red flags.

​@@la6136 My thoughts exactly! When I was younger, I used to get physically intimate very quickly. Basically, if a man showed any kind of interest in spending time with me, I felt like sex was obligatory to keep him hanging around. I didn't have a sense of my own worth as a person, apart from what I had to offer physically. This is what long-term childhood abuse (including sexual abuse from a family member) does to a person! At the age of 60, I have been celibate by choice for 7 years now, and it has been a wonderful time of getting to know myself better, and sorting out what I really would want in a life partner (and also friends, for that matter!). Anna is right, once sex becomes a part of a relationship, it muddies the waters and makes everything so confusing! In the past, I put up with very bad behavior from men I chose to be in relationships with. Physical intimacy forms a pseudo-bond, making us think love is there, when it really isn't. I ended my last dating relationship 2 years ago, after 9 months. The fact that I never slept with him made it much easier to walk away when I finally pieced all the red flags together. I left with my self-respect intact, without regret, and I haven't looked back!

I agree with what you are saying! That mutual attraction does not happen so often. And yes it is hard not to get physical then. Whether a man and a woman alike

Agree

I would agree with you. If you’re not being your “authentic” self, who’s to say the other person is either? I’ve dated many men who put on a good front “good guy image” But then 6mos to a year in, they change ? I’ve noticed this too many times. Especially if you’re not moving with the relationship as FAST as THEY want you to. 😠

YES.

I do 😂😊

I found this comment more constructive and sympathetic than Anna's advice this time, TBH. For me, CCF's response seemed harsher than usual (not the only time, mind but usually she's more compassionate) and not simply in the 'tough love' sense. Just a bit too harsh.

Sadly, some kids learned to value chaos and intensity as the most genuine expression of love...I suppose this makes sense as the intense emotions and battling would only occur if the people CARED about one another. Testing & pushing you in that was was likely his subconscious trying test your love while also being addicted to the intensity of the rollercoaster of fighting, making up, honeymoon period, begin again...

I let a 3 week fling derail mine. At least we are self aware enough to help ourselves. ❤

@@Dreabee83I’m so sorry, I hope you’re doing better now. And yes, self awareness is a big step

Best way to know who you are is getting in relationships. Not the only one but for sure that one will show quick. Can be pretty rough though.

I agree the relationship i just got out of showed me so much and unlike the past, i am ok with the breakup and wish i has more in life instead of avoiding them after disappointment and due to insecurities @deerskin4225

Where’s the “1%” 😂😂😂 you’ll be 100 before you find a man that doesn’t focus on sex . Just saying

This is a big issue and I'd love if Anna did a video to address this private sense of pain and loss. Thank you for sharing and wish you all the best on your healing journey ❤

Don't say it's too late, you have so much in front of you yet❤

I'm at a same age and my friends keep telling me "you could meet a widow tomorrow or a divorcee with 5 kids". You never know. Maybe it's good that motherhood didn't happen to me. Maybe I was spared from having a narcisst child on top of two narcisst parents and a narcissist sister. Or maybe I would have ruined the child due to all my personal traumas and I would have never wanted to do that. Maybe all turned out well and there're some nasty children out there, let's not kid ourselves. My mother was a narcissist as was my father. She died this year but prior to her death she fell into Alzheimer's disease. With Alzheimer's she turned into an angel, all narcisstic defence mechanism gone. She became full of laughter and kidness with a strong sense of good and evil. I would have done anything to save her. I loved her those last years and am happy to have met the person behind the narcissm. I often think how God chose Alzheimer for her to redeem her so she could become an angel. That narcisstic mother of mine that turned into an angel was treated horribly in her last days by my narcisst sister. It was painful to watch. Not all children grow up into angels, some are ruthless. So maybe it's better not to have had children, less painful.

Oh my goodness, you're so not too old. Let love find you in yourself, and he/she will come. ❤

@@gayecosmicchic9755 I‘m 40 and for having an own family with kids i‘m def. too old. 🥲

Same!

Thank you for sharing this with us. You already did a great job! Nika@TeamFairy

Good evening beautiful

Thanks for sharing this! -Calista@TeamFairy

We're all rooting for you :) -Calista@TeamFairy

@kayla_chosen1 aren’t you abit young to be lurking in relationship sites? U should be busy with friends and university and getting to know yourself not ‘2.5yr relationship u started at 16.5yrs old!

@@cloudydays6277 oh trust I am now!! I learned the hard way Lol, not looking for a relationship for a while. Focusing on me, my education @the illustrious NCAT and yes I am spending time with friends! I’m doing much better ❤️🙌🏽

@@cloudydays6277 not sure what happened to my comment, but yes you are correct! I had to learn the hard way, I am focusing on me and my education 👍🏽

You are cut out for it though.. We got this!!!

Some of us aren’t cut out for a relationship? You mean that some of us are not made for relationships? Really??

Yes...even if its for the sperm alone a man is needed....and there are documentaries now showing the emotional damage children of sperm donors suffer once rhey realize how they came into the world....Personally, I do not agree with having a baby without a father in the picture. There is a reason why we were designed to have the two. To bring a child into the world knowing he or she will never have that relationship with the other part of themselves willingly is doing a disservice to the child. It's different when things don't work out than when it's intentionally done just for your own satisfaction. What about the child's right to a healthy and stable home? That's what we deny kids when we are unable for whatever reason to create a successful union in which to bring them. It's not a blame thing, it is just what it is. Women tend to want kids because they feel the need to express the love within. You can give an already present child the gift they do not have. That of a loving home. To a child with nothing even one parent to care for and about them means the world. You can foster or just be an advocate for disadvantaged children. It is emotionally demanding but oh so rewarding. Just something to think about for those who can relate to this.

@@Successfullymanifesting Sometimes we think that a romantic or sexual relationship will make us happy when what we really need is true intimacy. Sex is physical intimacy. Very different from true intimacy. To truly know someone intimately is to know them so well that you can predict the way they will even think. It goes for both parties involved and carries a depth of trust and respect that develops only with time and shared experiences. It can be between spouses but also friends, or a family member or members you have a bond with. It doesn't have to be only a sexual partner. Just knowing you are truly not alone and valued just for being you can surpass a romantic relationship. Realistically looking at the world around you should show you that not everyone is going to find a sexual partner because the world is very unbalanced. To bank your future happiness on the belief that happiness can only come from a mate is a recipe for misery. Seek real, fulfilling relationships and experiences with people who get you and life can still be very beautiful. Isolation increases the loneliness and desire for a partner. And getting together because you are lonely often causes you to overlook significant red flags which just causes further trauma. Also, getting out there and meeting people increases the possibility of meeting a partner. It's a win win situation when you just embrace life fully and just enjoy yourself and the people in your world. Your learned boundaries and emotional tools will help you do it all in a healthy way.

There is plenty of research out there that outlines the hardships that come along for women that raise kids without fathers. Please, don’t have a fatherless child. It’s a selfish move, not good for the child and will only create more stress for both of you. In essence another human with cptsd..and almost guaranteed to have a harder time in life. Having a pet would be 💯 better. I offer this advice, from my own experience, much love and take care!!!!

I see bpd and I think covert narc. Is that why you've isolated?

idk what i am. but i isolated myself for 6 years. try to get yourself out there man. just try and actually get to know girls without the intention of anhthing and see if you jive with any of them

@@Dreabee83 there are a lot of reports saying that, absolutely. Thankfully my personality, minus the BPD, didn’t effect any narcissism levels, in fact narcissists trigger me lol it’s funny how even mental illness can manifest differently in different people. So others might be but I would say I’m not. I’m too humble for my own good sometimes lol I attract narcissists. I’d say in short, too much trauma, my soul started getting effected, stayed strong for too long, now I’m in eternal rest mode.

@@drakelessner3981 so sorry to hear you have been in the situation also. I think once the ego or mind is damaged is starts to eat away at your soul and then eventually your body, not necessarily in that order. I think my soul has been too damaged, so while I still can improve, it’s just that much more difficult. I’m 38 now. I like the line in the Richard Marx song hazard, ‘all of my rescues are gone’. Thanks for your encouragement 🙌🏻🙌🏻✌️

I have found a brother in you. I too have BPD and stay single for similar reasons

Thank you for sharing your experience and insight. If you'd like to ask Anna questions, feel free to write an "Ask the Fairy" letter. You can do it from here: bit.ly/CCF_Letters Nika@TeamFairy

Relate 100% to your experience. very similar to my own.Also moved a lot, liv in a foreign country, do not belong to any community or group, miss tactile stimulation. Most i get is a hug from my adult children or the grands ,usually very perfunctory, certainly not satisfying enough!, Suitable emen nowhere to be seen, despite years on dating sites , trying other ways to meet, absolutely agree with your policy about sleeping with them. No way ,Jose, not for a good while (90 day rule at least) and that sifts out alot, if not all of them... So tough and takes a lot of resilience to carry on like this.

I just reread this and what I mean is, I wish I had waited the whole 18 months instead of just six months but for me that was a huge step lol

I think because she speaks from experience and has genuine empathy for those of us still unaware of our traumas and their effects on our lives; the hard truths seem a bit easier to process coming from someone who truly understands.

Thank you for sharing your experience with us. Good luck on your healing journey! Nika@TeamFairy

I have a disability too and it didn't prevent me from finding my husband who is an amazing caretaker (here on the channel because we work both through our CPTSD problems). I was 42 when I met him and we're together for 12 years now. It's never really easy with my declining health but it has never been a real issue in our relationship.

Beautiful story, wish you happiness and love ❤️

All is not lost, I mean, I have only engaged with you in a sentence but I already know we were made for each other. Let's get married and start a family.

I’ve been there too, still trying to break the mold but keep up. I promise it gets better NEVER LOSE HOPE !!!

What a kind comment. Thank you!

@@CrappyChildhoodFairy you're most welcome😊

Trauma-driven thinking can be discouraging. But never forget: Healing is possible! One good tool to help with getting regulated is the Daily Practice. You can try it in the free course: bit.ly/CCF_DailyPractice Nika@TeamFairy

@@CrappyChildhoodFairythank you. I’m just now starting to accept that this started in my childhood, and with those I wanted to love me most. I appreciate your reply greatly.

Glad you are here. Nika@TeamFairy

It sounds like you're really taking care of yourself-that's amazing! Thank you so much for sharing :) -Calista@TeamFairy

We're here to change and you can do it too! If you're interested, try Daily Practice (a free course), it can be a good first step. If you want to go deeper, Anna has a whole course on healing CPTSD. Free Daily Practice: bit.ly/CCF_DailyPractice Healing CPTSD course: bit.ly/CCF_HCPTSD Nika@TeamFairy

Your experience resonated with me as in a similar situation as yours. It ended in ghosting and like you wanted closure. Realise now that no response is a response. Not heard from them since they suddenly ghosted me over month and half ago. Trying to heal now and going to therapy to heal wounds and work on myself.

@@Feijoagirl do that and good luck 🙂! You will overcome it. There is so much about us and some other patterns we carry on often. I feel stronger after time and self work i did and still doing. I believe the world has for me many nice surprises and the most important: i truly and genuine like myself again. I wish you to get your power back as well!

@@eutrepe03 Thank you for your kind words of encouragement 🙂