I'm trying to work on what lies behind my addiction to clutter and chaos, both in my habitat and financially. It is the part that drives the people around me the most crazy so I would like to solve that first..
I'm doing your FA program. Currently working on identifying and meeting my needs. I'm not sure the FA course addresses this self trust issue, although I do know it makes sense because some of my needs are consistentcy and respect. I will make sure I do the jealousy and trust course you mention as well. It's really hard, btw, to come up with ways to meet my need for connection directly and daily because I live alone. I'm a little stuck. 😢
I am doing the Integrated Attachment Theory Coach Certification. I am working to heal myself as an FA, and hoping to turn this into a career. I truly enjoy helping others with emotional and relationship issues. This certification is giving me a foot in the door to transition from an Accounting career to a Human Services career. 🦋
I realized yesterday that my school made me feel so trapped and broke my trust. Worst part it was "youth/social worker UNI" so the people you're supposed to trust the most hurt me the most. My exit plan literally became "continue until you're broken enough that people have to see it." And now today I came across this vid about relationships, that is explained my childhood. Exit plan still is breaking hearts
When you start to actually share your feelings and thoughts (even you have an anxiety attack everytime you do so😅) you start feeling way less trapped ☺️
I just came to this revelation yesterday! When my feelings get hurt I immediately accuse the person of being inconsiderate but realized they don't know what exactly to consider when it comes to me if I don't tell them.
I think this is a huge pain point for us FAs most of us have been raised in extremely chaotic environments. So we are hypervigilant and can almost always predict other people's needs. We don't realise that other people don't have this super power, so we have to tell them.
The issue is that the people who we grew up with or are currently befriending are not ready to communicate. They don't want to have any adjustments since they're takers. We need to reprogram to attract healthy individuals who see and hear our point of view and are able to make two-way adjustments. Balance is what we need, to heal.
Same for me..: I was cutting people off and I always thought I did myself a service but retrospectively, I realized I played a pattern. I was expecting everything without never communicating what I wanted because I did not want to expose myself, to feel vulnerable
I think a major challenge when it comes to healing this attachment style is thinking “is this my intuition guiding me, or are these deactivating thoughts coming up?” During difficult times. It puts me in a freeze response cause do i run or do i stay? 🙃
This hits the nail on the head for me. My entire last relationship I felt like something was off, like I couldn’t trust the other person and didn’t feel safe with them, but I didn’t know if it was my intuition or just my own core wounds coming up and pushing them away.
Yeah I spent 2 years not sure if I really should be leaving someone or if I was just feeling smothered and self sabotaging. I couldn't handle it when he asked me to marry him. I need a back door. I left and I still don't know if I made the right choice or the biggest f up ever. Right now I feel that we were too different to come to a compromise that wouldn't be painful for one or the other...
I think I’m starting to learn that the important thing really is learning to trust myself to be able to handle things should something bad come up. And in this sense it’s entirely about my relationship with myself and ironically has not much to do with the other person. The default I used to operate by of avoiding and pushing away was a safety mechanism of making sure I could never even get into a situation where something bad could happen. But ironically this also meant something good couldn’t happen either. The trust I need to build is that I’ll have the tools, built through use and practice, to work through bad things if they happen without running or avoiding. I can’t say I’m there now but I can see it.
As an FA I noticed if trust has been broken for me in a relationship the relationship usual ends after that. And going through that over and over again has definitely caused damage.
Definitely fearful-avoidant myself, and trusting others isn’t exactly the issue. It’s more that I don’t trust my own sense of things. So many times I felt secure in a relationship and then had the rug pulled out - like full-on Mr. Hyde/gaslighting behavior from the other person where they refused to even attempt repair. How did I not see it this time *again*? It’s so painful and disorienting. You speak to this so well here. So much great insight into a state of being that is fundamentally confusing. Super valuable, thanks for putting it together. ❤
At 52 ,I feel like I'm on the verge of being in between giving up and holding on to hope. I am new to the whole computer thing,so I have a lot to learn, but having quality people or organizations like you pop up, help's me to hold onto hope.
You have a LOT of life ahead of you! You will learn and smake progress as long as you stick with it. If you need support of a community please com ejoin us at the school! We have people of all ages :)
Ur comment inspired me. Good job keep going this is life ! No matter where we r , we would better do the thing we won’t regret not doing if we were to die tomorrow:) 🤍
Another great share, an ex situatioship said to me: "I'm worried you won't be interested in me in a few years down when we start dating" and I was so confused at that time, cause she wouldn't even commit to a relationship, didn't realize it was her trust wound. Now it all make sense, she wasn't congruent, consistent and didn't like giving context but wanted me to provide them, because she wasn't able to give to herself first. This video helped a lot, Thank you for unraveling my confusion and love you Thais ❤h
This explains my husband and I to a T. We both kept looking to the other to model these things for us, so we could then feel safe enough to attempt modeling them for ourselves. Now I am working to Let It Begin With Me, modeling the work for us both, and giving him space and grace to feel safe enough to attempt doing the same.
I don't know why people say that I don't like being alone or abandoned etc, I NEED my alone time every day to be able to function properly. I love when the kids go to bed, not only do I get a few hours to myself but I've got time to miss them and I think that strengthens our relationship and I value my independence so if people want to leave then I'd rather they did because it's not healthy trying to keep somebody around who doesn't want to be here ❤
@@scarletsletter4466 you're right. It wasn't a very good example. Before I had the kids I as single for a couple of years and my friends were in relationships so I spent a lot of time by myself. Sometimes they wouldn't be able to do certain things that we have been doing prior to their relationships so that could be seen as abandonment or when I spent almost 2 weeks in hospital and didn't have visitors must days. I just dove in to studies and work. Still didn't bother me so much then either. Maybe the fear of abandonment doesn't effect everybody or maybe I'm way more avoidant than anxious? 🤔🤔
@5EmBem there's a MASSIVE difference between being alone, and somebody actively rejecting you. It's nit the being alone part that is the issue. It's the act of being rejected and discarded by another human being. One that you care about
My dad is an avoidant and my mom is an anxious. I watched my dad hurt my mom in ways that she knows and ways she may not even be aware of like complaining behind her back to me and my brothers. I am terrified that I will be with someone like that. Definitely a big challenge for me.
Trust is CRUCIAL in any relationship and its lack coming from him (and following shut down and not sharing his world with me) is the #1 reason I broke up with my FA ex. Oh, and he didn't follow through on a bunch of his promises... inconsistent as f, but I bet he doesn't see any of this in himself.
Woooww, I thought I was anxious attachment, but im 100% Fearful Avoidant and have never trusted myself in a relationship to keep boundaries I've set. Also the fear of abandonment.... Thank you!!
I had no idea I was a fearful avoidant person until I saw this. Amazing how you laid it out and thank you. As a person who trust no one I was to learn how to reverse that and become real.
Self-trust is actually the key to trusting others. Picture a child losing trust in a parent becaus ethey don;t stick up for them, or say somehting constantly but never follow through. We have to instill that trust in oursleves that we will set boundaties when neccessary, not people please or self-abandon, communicate our needs and communicate i somehting doesn't sit right, don't overgive, and most of all, leave if a sitution is unhealthy. We will not be so worried about someone else if we know we have a voice. Lastly we want to reprogram our core wounds. When you start reprogramming core wounds, you set up a subconscious comfort zone on who you will naturally gravitate towards and stay with. So basically the way you treat yourself in your thoughts, beliefs and actions will dictate who will you will attract/be attracted to.
I used to think that I was anxious attached but just few weeks back I realized that I am an FA, thank you for your videos to make me realize it, and now I am woking on myself to heal to be securely attached.
Thank you for mentioning too about communicating our feelings and boundaries and needs to others. This has been such a huge, and scary, part of,my growth over the past several years. I’ve been consistently trying to do this more and more all the time (well not perfectly but way more than I used to). I’ve set boundaries with my boss (told him he was bullying us), told a friend something similar and have voiced more of my feelings of late. I can see this has been alien to me because I grew up in a household where we were all opaque to each other. None of us ever told the other what we were feeling inside. Emotion words were never used. Instead other proxies were. Food too was used to sooth and as a replacement for physical affection. We had to read between the lines to know why each was upset. And yet ironically we were deeply enmeshed without any boundaries so that despite us never saying what any of us was feeling we also still felt what everyone else was feeling. If my father was down, I was down, if my mother was angry I was angry.
I'm so thankful for commenters such as yourself because these videos can be abstract but these examples from real life make it click that ah yes ok I see how I can relate to this.
9:10 Vulnerability is sure a tough one! I'm learning but phew! Learning to be "uncomfortable" is a big one, its sure building trust in myself. I finally feel confident to walk away from relationships that aren't good for me and that's huge for my abandonment wound. Thx PDS. the courses and webiners are life changing!
Thank you for this video, Thais! ❤️ For years I thought I was an AP but just recently have started to realise I most likely have always been a FA. How you described a FA’s childhood sounded very much like my own.
I realized yesterday that my school made me feel so trapped and broke my trust. Worst part it was "youth/social worker UNI" so the people you're supposed to trust the most hurt me the most. My exit plan literally became "continue until you're broken enough that people have to see it." And now today I came across this vid about relationships, that is explained my childhood. Exit plan still is breaking hearts
I believe that I'm a fearful avoidant. The quiz kept giving me anxious avoidant. But now I realize that I'm in the anxious side of the FA. I've been incredibly anxious for the last few months to say the least. It's so cool how the quiz is showing that I'm in an anxious state right now. Thank you! ❤❤❤
When I first got to know attachment theory, I thought I was an AP. However as I dived deeper into understanding attachment styles, fears, triggers etc., I realized I was actually a FA with more anxious tendencies. Trust is a huge factor for me since it was broken so many times in my life, starting in chilhood and with all following experiences. Mainly with DAs. Whenever I opened up, showed emotions and vulnerability, it was used against me. The last one about a year ago was so emotionally hurtful that actually pushed me to the point of discovering myself, attachments etc. I need time to trust someone, however once I do, I am not afraid of commitment. That's exactly what happened last time around. As soon as things got real, there were more intense emotions and higher intimacy, she deactivated. It left me confused, lost, I felt abandoned and betrayed with how soon she moved on to someone else, like our time didn't matter at all. Only later I realized she is book case DA and we both triggered each other. Despite everything, I miss her. I would like to think I am much more secure now, I am practicing opening up, setting boundaries etc. However there is still internal fear that there might be some blind spots left.
What if you share your needs and enforce boundaries but that just makes people angry or they tell you they aren't capable of meeting your needs? Most of them outright say to look else where or tell me to stop being dependent on others but will contact me if they want their needs met
My ex husband & his family traumatized me for the way the treated in throughout 10 years of my relationship, & my mom wasn’t much help either. I feel like that struggle s are what caused my fearful avoidant style. And now after my breakup from my recent relationship… the pain I felt from loss was unbearable that I can’t imagine trusting anyone. Now that Ik what my attachment style and understanding it I hope I can heal so that maybe I’ll be able to open up to someone new… 😩
It occurred to me as I watched this that the relationship I'm in has not been helpful in my efforts to reprogram trust wounds as there have been a lot of incongruencies on his end throughout the years. I know it's unintentional but his fears as a DA have made it almost impossible for him to follow through with what he says when it comes to super impactful areas of our relationship. How do I stick to my boundaries while being considerate of his occasional paralysis (or snail like movement in following through)? Set an expiration date?
What if you actually do not have anyone in your life who you can trust and the ones you want to try to start with are more damaged than you (your family) ?
it seems you cant share anything with people now a days or they throw it in your face when they don't get something from you or when they are mad at you. i just don't share anymore. and when I do I know who is gossiping because I don't share with a lot.
Please do a video on how can a FA heal resentment against wife for very minor things that made him feel that he gave up so many things to be in the relationship (life style). No infidelity involved or any betrayal of any sort. Wife wasn't even aware that he felt that way.
I feel like the aspect of building self trust enough to open up and confide in our partners is a contradicting experience. As a fearful avoidant, we our told to be aware that we are not in constant control of the relationship. That we cannot control other peoples actions, emotions, or their beliefs- yet we are told that we will have a better experience if we become vulnerable to our partners…but who’s to say they wont repeat the cycle of past partners, our childhood guardians, ex friendships who have hurt us? It builds our walls back up, how do we get past this?
Im trying to listen & understand the words you speak. Im trying to disect it all . The last friendship or whatever it was,that i was in, she told me she suffered childhood trauma and was not able to love and shed couldn't give me what i deserved and she'd only end up hurting me. I didn't even know what she meant by that. I couldn't back away at that point so i stayed in it and then she completely walked away from me. It did hurt. It was all a very short period of time also ,but felt deep to me. Im trying to understand all this. Im not even sure what all is or isnt wrong with me. Im not even sure what attachment style i am. I do recognize i fell into deep like/ love of this woman,on many levels and in many ways. I do feel like i have a strong desire to be in a mutual relationship with with a beautiful, intelligent, thoughtful ,caring, good woman someday. I think im kind of grasping self trust and positive beliefs. I was diagnosed with social anxiety disorder. Im not sure how i got like this. I know all that you are teaching is powerful and beautiful and the awnsers. Im trying. I do feel and recognize you as being an incredibly good teacher with a big heart and i appreciate being able to listen to you.
Watch her videos on 10 signs of FA, then AP, DA...and you will determine your attachment. That's a Great start that will help you recognize yourself and those around you.
I just watched the 10 signs of a Fearfull avoidant. So far I'm thinking I'm possibly a combination of these personality types. My mom lost her mom when she was 13. I never met my biological father but feel like my parents were good parents. I'm not sure exactly what is wrong with me but listening to Thais speak and reading the comments hopefully are getting me closer to healing and,growing, & understanding. I will be watching the other videos and trying to understand. Thankyou for your help Rita.
I'm guessing there must be some deep seeded pain in this mind & heart because I myself getting emotional while watching, listening, & reading this information/ knowledge.
I don't even initiate conversations with new people. It feels really bad. It affects both my friendships and my romantic relationships. I always watch people I have a crush slipping away with other people because I never managed to approach them
I became vulnerable i communicate i soeak up my truth but i keep on attracting sex addicts, narcissists or avoidants not wanting a relationship or a child. I also worked 8 years at codependence issues. So there must be more to it then just this.
How can I create trust between my fearful avoidant and me? He is just so unpredictable, and “fearful” that it continuously causes fights. Further, he triangulates me with otherpeople but somehow I feel that it’s just his mechanism to get my attention and feel valued.? I am so frustrated by his actions and confused.
As an FA on the way to healing, I can totally sympathize with your experience. It's not an excuse for his behavior, but as tumultuous as it is for you to be in a relationship with FA attachment, living with it is absolute torture. It may not be worth staying with the guy in the end, unless he's interested in working on his attachment style. As a sober alcoholic, I find the principle of families and loved ones of alcoholics to be similar to attachment dynamics. I send them to Al-Anon to heal their own stuff, which is what causes them to enable the alcoholic in the first place. Then, I also encourage them to encourage the alcoholic to get sober, while setting boundaries and timelines for themselves to protect their resources from over-investing in unhealthy patterns. My suggestion for you would be to work on your own attachment style and see if you even want to be with the guy by the time you're secure. As FAs tend to love depth and personal growth, he may be open to working on his attachment as well- in which case, you may end up with an amazing relationship. It's important though not to make him feel pathologized when you're encouraging his process though. Like with Al-Anon, partners and families of the alcoholic can get their needs for empathy and attunement met outside their relationship with the alcoholic so they don't project their resentments onto them. My hardest struggle with partners was that I only knew how to regulate my constantly intense emotions when I was by myself, and tended to get swallowed up in relationships by over-giving to the point of burnout because I wanted the person to stay with me and thought I had to earn their love. Trying to keep repeating cycles of emotional flooding from coming out at your partner all the time is like trying to hold a tornado on a leash. Emotional and nervous system regulation- for me- have really been the starting points to healing FA attachment even before the rest of the process. Also, a lot of FAs also have CPTSD. Trying to heal one without the other is impossible. Channels for CPTSD and developmental trauma to check out, maybe even with your partner, are Patrick Teahan LCSW, Crappy Childhood Fairy- and a lot of great stuff on dysfunctional family roles, CPTSD, and attachment on Heidi Priebe. Speaking for myself, I'm not getting into another relationship until I'm fully secure. I don't want to continue the traumatic way I've always experienced relationships, and I don't want my temper to hurt more people I care about.
I know no one who is in a completely fidelitous relationship. The last couple I know who were completely faithful to each other where my grandparents. My therapist calls them "the childhood fairytale I believe".
But what if you have really tried to trust, but they repeatedly are not congruent, consistent, inconsiderate and does not explain himself? AND on top of that keep saying to you that they can't do or say anything that will help me trust them? I feel gaslit!!
Finding one person to develop a secure attachment to (my therapist) and using safety and co-regulation to take risks and build scaffolding around my life for more secure attachments elsewhere. This has helped my ability to advocate for my needs and set boundaries because I'm not as afraid that everyone will leave me for having them. Otherwise I was fully prepared to die alone and spend my whole life at home co-regulating with my cats. When we started, I was extremely skeptical that she was convinced that safety is the key to everything else. It seemed like ALL we were doing was working on safety, safety, safety. And she kept telling me how humans are wired for co-regulation and it just made me so upset inside- because that meant I HAVE to trust and rely on people... and as a healing FA I was hoping to get to a totally self-reliant place where I never have to get let down by anyone again. These templates are shifting consistently, step by step, and it really was all through having ONE safe person that finally really sees me. Who knew.
I have grown a lot by learning how to set boundaries! Now I'm trying to re-wire who I am attracted to because I'm addicted to people who re-open my attachment wounds...
We all start somewhere. There's still so many beautiful people to share life with and you deserve to be loved. It's okay if it hasn't worked out the way you dreamed yet. You will always be valuable, don't abandon yourself.
She mentions ‘small wounds in the grand scheme of things’. See, if my attachment style gets triggered, there ìs no grand scheme of things. It’s more of a moment to moment type of thing. Stuff can turn bad at a moments notice and I feel like I need to be ready for anything at a moments notice. I’ve been working on this for a long time, and realize the above is not true, but it’s the hardest thing to let go of
I don't about you but these break ups get easier with time. If they don't bring you peace why bother? Save your time,energy and money. These ones always crash and burn, then they think of you, once it's too late.
*KEYS* 1. How can I start building more consistency in the relarionship with myself? 2. How can I build more congrunency? 3. How can I introspect more and give myself more context? 4. How can I be more considerate of my own feelings, needs, and emotions and share them with others? This is the foundation to improve self-trust, trust others' better, and let others' in.
This was super clear and helpful - thank you for sharing this amazing insight with us so we can begin to heal and form healthy relationships with ourselves and others! 🙏❤🩹
