Key Traits Of The High Functioning Fearful Avoidant/Disorganized | Fearful Avoidant Attachment 

I'm a fearful-avoidant and I'm a chronic procrastinator, because if I were to not succeed at something it reinforces my core beliefs of not being good enough or worthy of success and progress. It feels safer for me to imagine how I want my life to be rather than to actually live it.

1. Over-giver generous 2. Perfectionist 3. Anxious with dismissive avoidant 4. Big feelers highly empathetic 5. Read people extremely well 6. Interested in human behavior 7. Struggle with small talk 8. Pain and Pleasure around connexion flip flop 9. Subject to limerance 10. Workhaolic 11. Way too open and supicious at the same time 12. Chronic guilt and Shame 13. Need to feel seen worthy 14. Needing novelty 15. Enmenshment trauma

Psychology seems more beautiful after you study attachment theory.

one thing i noticed about being a FA: we hate asking for help. we want to do it on our own. we don't like relying on people. but there are some people who tend to take advantage of us when they realize that we are people pleaser. so, as a FA, i worked on those two things. i ask for help when i need it instead of struggling on my own. and i don't hesitate to say NO when i really don't wanna do it. and i try my best to express my feelings and my needs everytime it is needed. i'm working my way out of my FA attachment style to a secure one. i pintpoint all my subconscious attitudes and made them conscious and now everytime i'm in a situation , i always take my time analyzing myself To decide what step i should take To avoid falling in my subconscious pattern. i don't consider anymore that i should earn anyone' s love. i only want to share.

I came out to feel attacked and honestly, I'm having such a good time right now.

THIS IS TOTALLY ME. I use to wonder why i was so fascinated by love and how i didn't feel worthy enough but i still craved it but feared it at the same time.

Omg I think this is me. I thought I was just avoidant, but I'm realizing I'm Fearful Avoidant. I have pretty much been single for like a decade (I'm in my 30s), mostly because I feel like my life is never where I want it to be. I fluctuate between feeling good being single and working on myself and wondering if I could even navigate a healthy romantic relationship. I also fear I would attract someone abusive OR mess up a relationship with a healthy/secure person. I genuinely feel like I have nothing to offer to someone in a relationship 😔 and worry that I will be "found out" if someone gets too close to me.

Yep; either a super high achiever or a depressed mess. Hypervigilance and reading people. Subject to limerance (oh my god, so true. Limerance is like..my thing...lasts 6 months to a year). Workaholic (yep). Trusting and suspicious at the same time. Chronic guilt and shame (yep). Enmeshment trauma.

Man I just cried watching this video cause I finally know why I have been feeling this way my whole life, and it is such a relief.

You didn't say a single thing that didn't describe me. Each point was spot on. Being in a relationship as a fearful avoidant is exhausting, for me. I have a hard time dealing with my own hot and cold behavior and all of the work I have to do to shield my partner from it. I try not to be so fearful avoidant because most of the time I'm aware of my behavior. I get lost in it though and wake up and regret some of my thoughts or actions. The guilt is real. My hyper vigilance just never seems to turn off and I often wish I could just be at peace.

I have never cried so hard. When my close family asks me why is that you overthink. The push and pull in my mind when I start to like someone is on a level that is mentally draining. The need for love is so huge but the lack of control to uncertainty is almost equally gut wrenching.

I am a hugeeeeeee feeler, I constantly am aware of others feelings, looks on their faces, body language, I can pick up every little detail so I constantly think my husband is mad at me. I can see how that relates to my childhood :(

Wow. I thought some of this was my personality. Turns out it’s the trauma 😕 Totally fearful avoidant in all relationships big time. Totally subject to limmerence. Totally stress over the thought of being stuck with people and not be able to get space. This is crazy true. Thank you so much

I wanted to cry when I watched this video. It's so hard to be an FA. And there are so little resources out there for us, because we are so rare. I think we should form a FA support group.

40 years old, struggled all my life to try and "solve" my self. Just came across these theories a few days ago. Been studying them and now found your channel. A 15 minute video on YT made everything about my life crystal clear; it made all emotions I've struggled with clear. All the programmed behaviours clear. All the experiences causing the programming clear. It's a very strange feeling to have struggle with something for basically 40 years, then watching a 15 minute YT clip just solves the complete puzzle all at once... Feels very weird - but I'm truly thankful I came across your channel 🙏👍😊 /Björn

This is me. Every single point. Omg Especially how I get anxious with those who are dismissive avoidant. I'm very much an empath and can pick up on people's energies or what's wrong so much that it actually gives me anxiety. I'm always worried more about what other's are feeling rather than myself. I hate small talk more than anything

I constantly work on self improvement to become worthy of love ... I'm trying to switch that to doing it out of self-love as I use mindfulness to earn a secure attachment style. I find myself anxious when trying to secure a relationship with someone I like but then moving to avoidant when a partner makes demands for intimacy without being present for my internal needs. I'm now moving toward facing and filling my own personal needs so as to be more available to those who have the potential to grow into a deeper intimacy through my stable and grounded presence

This is literally me on every level. I'm shook. I think as a FA I don't ask for help or wish to rely on others because I kinda just assume that everyone is busy or doesn't have the interest/time to help. That's also how I feel when people don't pay attention or "skip" what I'm saying which is a huge trigger of mine. I have a tendency to be wordy and repeat myself because I have this fear that I won't be heard. I seriously can't thank you enough for these videos!

I started sobbing 3 minutes into the video and continued to cry throughout. I've never heard someone describe me word for word, so closely expressing my every thought and reason behind actions. Limerence is something I've experienced since childhood. I knew I was fearful avoidant but still, I'm truly speechless.

I've experienced a recurring situation where I'll have a crush on someone, and the moment there's any closeness or intimacy, that person suddenly "turns" super unattractive, I feel repulsion, etc. Does anyone relate? Can this be a result of the fearful-avoidant attachment style?

This is so 'bang-on' with FAs experiencing Limerence. It's all about the feeling and the intensity. Yes, we are real feelers with hyper sensitivity.

1- Over Givers, generous, feeling to earn love (FA can be stable and high achiever) or (really struggling addicts) 2- Constantly try to be better, perfect themselves, to feel worthy of love connection 3- Very anxious with DA generally. 4- Strong Feelers. Feel way too much then shut down feelings. 5- Hyper-vigilance/Attuned, read people extremely well, intuitively. Pick up so much tone voice change in patterns. 6- Very interested in human behavior. 7- Struggle with surface conversation. Small talk. Inside desire for depth and emotional connection though they fear it. 8- They often flip flop. "Should I stay? Should I go...Come here close, Go away" 9- Prone to Limerance. 10- Workaholics, addicted to, it intense about , machine like. Trying to earn status and worth to be worthy 11- Strange contrast of way too trusting/open/giving and highly suspicious (with core wounds)/push away real hard... 12- Guilt and shame as well. Their feelings don't matter tied to emotional neglect but some connecting ... 13- Feel lack of being seen, hear, or that they matter. They try to make up for that perception, worthy of love 14- Empowered to not feel trapped or don't matter. 15- Not about the fancy stuff, material stuff but the process and do I matter, feel empowered, do I run my life, not helpless. 16- Fear spending prolonger time with other people. Not all day or weekend. Because of enmeshment trauma (responsible for care givers emotions). Wounded bird thing going on with them, to see and fix people (if they have enough room for that) 17- Often withdraw during challenging times (they take on too many of other people's emotions and don't know how to navigate that)

I feel kind of stupid that up to this very point, right now, I just assumed that I was 'weird'. Weird about different things, not connected - weird with me constant need to be seen and loved and powerful. Weird about avoiding relationships as a whole, despite loving love soooo much but just 'accepting' that I'm not good enough to be in a relation ship with some. This terrible, terrible 180 I always do after having a crush on someone and kind of getting closer, things getting real where I suddenly hate every little thing about them and get really nasty - the dislike only ever disappearing once whatever was blooming between us is thoroughly stomped out, then I suddenly like them again and think they're great (now that I'm 'safe'). Didn't ever think my generosity was 'weird' either but man... How is this an actual thing. With context. And why, if this is a 'thing', does it get to make up so much of what my character is? I feel really weird after having watched this, to be fair. Weird and not exactly encouraged, because doesn't that just mean that if the problem is with me, it'll always be there? I'm 25 now and have not had a single relationship, and not for a lack of people interested in me. But I always always fuck it up and it's horrible.

This is so me. Feel like I have to earn love and acceptance. Over giver and then suddenly snap shut and cut people out. Get overwhelmed by other people and daily life. Addictive tendencies esp love addiction. More attracted to emotionally unavailable people. Seek deep connection. Hyper vigilant. Hate small talk. Obsessed with healing and spirituality. Always trying to perfect myself. Terrible guilt and shame that sometimes makes me not be able to face people and situations. Need alone time every day, I get really stressed spending too much time with others.

I act more like an avoidant towards my family and am more of a giver in friendship or public situation......... My dad used to be physically and verbally abusive......... though he still is verbally abusive and I have a great relationship with my mom but she never validates my feelings and I don't feel supported. I feel I am indebt to them for bringing me up and taking care of me and I feel I will never be good enough......... Though I have started to work on myself there is still a long way hopefully I will be able to rise like a pheonix 🖤

I finally feel seen and understood and most importantly I feel validated that its ok that I identify with this. Its merely an attachment style, and the ability to know and accept what it is, is the opportunity to be able to adjust myself to be more of what I want to be and less of what I don't. I feel empowered.

Today I learned that I'm an FA, and this has been so validating and helpful. You described my behaviour profile perfectly. I already feel empowered to move past this, and I actually can't wait to break myself out of these attachment patterns. Thank you Thais.

This is so spot on it’s scary. Thank you for your videos and they’ve been such a help.

It should be against the law for someone to know this much about me. Thais, wtf. lol

The high achiever version here, and it's so draining. But I am working on healing!

The hardest thing for me is understanding my own emotions. How can I communicate something I don’t understand?

I cannot believe how spot on this is for me. I always thought I was anxious attachment but it never really resonated with me, but it was the closest to me of all attachment styles. This incredibly resonates with me I cannot believe it. Thank you for sharing your gifts with us! ❤️

The impact of childhood experiences really are relevant. I am going try to be more forgiving of myself and to try and trust a little more. I am slowly beginning to understand where I came from and where I need to go.

When you said they are giving to earn love you reminded me of the time when I was 6 and had an emotionally abusive teacher. I made her a necklace and arts and crafts in hopes that she would stop being mean to me. She used to call me stupid and dumb and that she would fail me back to kindergarten and she would threaten to tell my parents how dumb I was. I was so scared to tell my parents and I was so scared she was going to tell my parents that I was dumb. So I tried to be extra nice and giving to earn better treatment. so sad.

Wow! Wow! Wow! I cannot believe how spot on you are! Your thorough description of a stable Fearful Avoidant is definitely not common knowledge, so I know you know your stuff. I can give deep, personal examples of everything you described.

I'm a fearful avoidant, but I've been working on it. If you met me, you'd think "how is he single" (not to be arrogant). I am aware I'm attractive, highly educated (doctorate), outgoing, funny. People always try to set me up and I refuse because I don't want friends or other people I know to find out about that side of me. No one outside of dating and relationships would ever have any idea. It's just too embarrassing because I have it together in every other part of my life.

I think I’m fearful avoidant. My mother passed away and left me to my father who was very turbulent, aggressive, angry etc. So I think I developed enough of a secure attachment as an infant that I never became totally avoidant because I can remember a time when I had a parent that comforted me.

5:20...totally me. I am anxious with my DA partner and if I am with a secure or Anxious person I am more dismissive.

wow.. this perfectly describes my ex. They broke up with me a couple months ago and watching videos like these help me understand so much, and it makes it feel way less personal!! Thank you for this

As a fearful avoidant this is so spot on. I feel like you’ve been watching my life 😂❤

I recognized a few parts of myself here. I tested around 40% secure, and around 20% of the other attachment styles. Thank you Thais

I thought I was anxiously attached but I really see myself in almost everything you’re describing, except spending time with people. I love spending a lot of time with loved ones and close friends.

I'm only just learning about fearful attachment. Omg so many things make sense, I never thought I had a trubled childhood until I had therapy and emotional neglect kept being mentioned. This information is key for all of us ❤

Wow, you just described me- what’s crazy is up until this point I thought I had an anxious attachment style ... but these seemed even more spot on for me 😨

The way so many of us didn’t know about us until very late in our lives

As soon as I start to like someone (platonically or romantically) an intense terror overtakes me to the point of losing sleep, experiencing heart palpitations, and constant nausea that inhibits any sort of regular eating. It is so exhausting.

This is so me. I want to work on this, all the inner wounds.. I also noticed I might be emotionally unavailable as well due to this. Definitely the high achiever fearful avoidant.

This is hurting my feelings . It is so spot on :'(

I can't speak for all, but a big factor for me is "debriefing". Combing over the information collected during an interaction, mirroring it to how I feel emotionally and figuring out what I did wrong in order to have that outcome. There's a heavy emphasis on how I behave and the outcome. This is emotionally devastating in a failing relationship. There is no self, because I am always tweaking what I do to suit the environment. I'm also quick to bow out if I don't think I can attune to the surroundings, including relationships, because it hits that core message of unworthiness hard.

I’ve been so confused about my style cause my friends and family would swear I am dismissive, my boyfriend would think I am anxiously attached. This confirmed I am a Fearful avoidant.☹️ I feel things deeply, I feel other people’s feelings sooo deeply and I love giving.☹️

I like how you dont judge people, alot of videos about fearful avoidance and also mental illness like bpd people are so judgmental towards the person.

This is the best video I’ve seen on this subject. The best descriptions and the easiest to relate to. Thank you.

This just wrapped me up in a nutshell in 15 minutes :D I'm baffled!

u literally just described me exactly. even down to the reason why i am like this. somehow even tho this was one of the saddest things i’ve ever heard bc i didn’t realize that i was like this, it still makes me so happy because for once i feel like i’m completely validated and seen through on all the right parts. thank you!

I have never felt so seen in my entire life. Thank you! I want to heal and cope best with my fearful avoidant attachment style.

Oh my god, I never felt more understood. This is spot on, it's impressive. I also have ASD and I'm highly empathic, so growing un in a chaotic family dynamic and being ND, really made it hard.

I just love your videos,this is such an accurate description of me. I really look forward to your videos, they are so insightful and helpful.

Good info. This is the fastest I've ever heard her talk. She knows it well because she was like that. I'm glad she got a steering wheel on that. She's a marvelous teacher! Thank you!

My boyfriend watched this and said “ wow it’s you! Did you make a phone call with this lady?” He’s usually a pretty calm dude, which I said was the most valuable quality in a guy for me. Then he said “but somehow you can still manage to trigger yourself” 😩

So happy you keep this real. It is difficult to admit to certain behavioral patterns but I found solace in other attachment styles that work with mine. Great course offerings through the Personal Development School!

Thank you sooo much for putting this "high-functioning" fearful-avoidant content out! I feel like so much attachment style content I've seen either ignores fearful-avoidant altogether or treats it like a super rare thing that only happens in the most horrific circumstances & causes extreme problems like addiction etc. When I first read about all the attachment styles I immediately related most to "fearful avoidant," but as I read/saw more content I questioned it because it seemed like my life wasn't "bad enough" for me to truly be fearful-avoidant. Yet I related to everything you talked about here! (Also, personally I dislike when it's only referred to as "disorganized" because "fearful-avoidant" is far more descriptive of what's actually going on, as opposed to throwing your hands up and saying "well it's a mess!" LOL it's definitely chaotic but it's not like there's no rhyme or reason to it, there's a core undercurrent of "I want to receive love, but when I do I feel scared and feel like the only way to stay safe is to dismiss it.")

Thank you so much for this video, I am blown away with how accurate your profile is. I actually got a little emotional hearing all of the things I struggle with on a day-to-day basis. Now that I know what the problem is I can start working toward becoming a securely attached human being. Thank you so much.

That was truly fascinating and eye-opening, thank you so much.

Thank you SO much for this video! 🖤 I’m currently thinking of making a video myself about how I live with this attachment style (as a documentation for my healing). Your video’s are the most well structured ones from me and I have seen so many, read books and many articles about it. Thank you for helping ALOT of people with this ☁️🖤🖤🖤 I will reference this video bc I’m unable to make a structured video about this topic on my own for now 🖤💕💕💕 i’m so grateful for your work

Holy Moses she has nailed it! I am completely a Fearful Avoidant! She has described me perfectly! Thank you for helping me understand!

I have been going through your videos for the last few days, and I find them very empowering. Today, I finally broke the silence between me and my bf after weeks of shutting down from my part. It was such a relief! Thank you for giving me the courage to do that!!

These videos are so, so helpful! I love that you approach these things with empathy. Your comment on FA having drug dependence issues explains something I've noticed about people I've met with substance abuse issues, they seem so people oriented and extremely sensitive to things like rejection. It is hopeful thinking that part maybe of overcoming addiction might be learning how to manage attachment styles! I've often felt they seemed to have so much love to give which seems to align with FA style.

this is the best description ive heard of what i assume is my attachment style. everything said here is extremely true of me. ive felt so guilty the past few years because major trouble came to my life via my partner having a psychotic break due to his own unexamined childhood trauma and i withdrew and stopped talking to nearly everyone in my life, just ghosted them basically. i was working on creative projects i really care about with many of these people and i just shut down. i have immense guilt from doing this, this video really helped me put this in perspective, plus anyone ive recontacted isnt upset with me for withdrawing, a possibility i so often ruminated about during this time in my life that i am still crawling out of. im glad people are waking up to how environment and parenting affects development, something i intuitively understood as a child, but nothing i said/cared about/felt mattered to any adult in my life.

This was amazing - was laughing and getting choked up at the same time. Incredible analysis with contextual examples.

So grateful to find this video! Extremely grateful. Can't describe how much I'm suspicious of all the things I am going through, even while discussing them with a professional! Only when I was able to identify this dynamic after my first date after years, I identified what my attachment style was, and searched for the 'difference between anxious and fearful avoidant attachment style'. Have a look at that video too!

10:43 that bit got me and made me cry. when i was 9, i asked my mom why is that when our entire family has dinner together, no one talks to me? her reply was, “it’s because you’re just a kid, and you’re not doing anything important like the rest of us are.” i definitely have a deep chronic need where i just want to be seen & heard 😢

Yyaass! You described me perfectly! In my last relationship my partner told our therapist everything was going great and that he was waiting for me to start pulling away. That was an AHA moment. Didn’t know I did that but it makes sense, as much as I want to be vulnerable, connected and close - it scares the hell out of me! Once I start getting close, I tend to pull away. 😔

I’m amazed. You described me to a T. I pay attention to the littlest things with people around me.. and I’m super generous. Often in an inappropriate way, like with people I barely know.. working through my attachment to heal myself and find peace :) thank you for this beautiful resource Thais :)

Info starts at 2:40. Great Video, thanks!

Wow. The accuracy is ridiculously on point.

holycrap! and I thought I was just anxiously attached, I knew I had a little bit from both spectrums. Makes sense, much easier for me to work on it now

You just changed my life. Thank you so much.

You made me feel so seen!!! Yes I am a big achiever and I connect my failures/successess to my self-worth!! Thank you for your work and videos!! 😊means a lot 🙏

Thank you so much! I truly found myself here. I began researching attachment styles after a conversation with my boyfriend where he pointed out my constant need to prove myself constantly. It´s then that I realized that I deeply believe love is conditional and that we all must deserve it. This was so eye opening.

Wow so accurate. I always feel like NO ONE understand me because I am so back and forth and its crazy to hear me described to a T. I am so ready to heal!

Spot on! Every single detail applies to me. Now I can understand myself a bit better.

I’ve been working on attachment behaviors for 2 years and all this time I thought I was anxious, but FA sounds so much like me! I retook the quiz yesterday and I am more secure now at 44% and insecure FA at 25%! I not only feel more healed, but I feel like the results resembles that. Now that I know I’m more of an FA, I’m kind of excited to start working on things that I feel is the next step in my journey!

one time during a group gathering, someone was talking about nails and I got so conscious of my own nails that I started looking at it, then one of my friends noticed it and point it out to me. and I didn't even realize I was doing it subconsciously. This video described me 100%!!

I’ve just started learning about attachment theory in the past 6 months and had heard your name over and over again. I already knew I’m FA. This vid had me crying. You know me already and you don’t even know me. I don’t feel alone.

loved this..... totally identified how you said we can be SOO INTENSE about something in our life or working for some kinda cause. i once had a volunteer stand in front of a room of 50 people and tell me that i was the hardest worker he had ever met. it was funny during a weak moment in my life i asked this new girl i was just starting to date "am i being wishy washy" and she was like "NO, you are so certain its scary" i assume thats part of the intensity.

IDK why this video ended up on my recommended videos, but this was a blessing. thank you.

This is an epic video! I am so totally a fearful avoidant...

Yes this is what I am addicted to working on reprogramming, writing, LOVE LOVE LOVE TO WRITE your videos I am addicted too! What a Beautiful Healthy addiction to have . Honestly... I can spend 6 hrs a day writing and learning all about myself and connecting with my boyfriend and my family...

This is me to the T ! It’s so true from trying to save everyone , over giving , and I’m always reading peoples behavior and trying to be better

Thank you so much Thais for bringing this up!

I really appreciate all the value you pack into these videos. Your channel has been eye opening! Any insight on autism in relationships you would like to share? And maybe if that overlaps with the dismissive avoidant type? [Would love a profile on the second branch of fearful avoidant too! There's always more to unpack 😅]

Thanks Tais... for a long time i thought its me alone who has attachment issues, your talks have now made me realise my circle of aquaintance are not all securely attached, no they all have issues too that they have to own their stuff... its taken the pressure off..

As a high functioning FA, I have watched so many videos like this (because of course I have!) And this is the most seen I've ever felt outside of 1:1 readings and coaching sessions. Incredible.

This video and your website literally saved my life. It feels good to finally know whats wrong with me and its even more amazing to know it actually has a name to my disorder/ problem. I was sobbing when i watch this. Its like i finally found answers and know mysellf better. I hate mysself so much because i know i have so much love to give and im worthy of receiving them too, but theres always a force puling me back from being vulnerable and opening up to people i love and trust. thank you thank you thank you.

Wow this explains me very well. I've been struggling for years not understanding why I do the things I do. Sometimes I can't put my feelings into words. Thank you for this video as this will help me heal some deep embedded wounds from myself and relationships.

I have learned so much from your videos. Thank you for all of it.

So True, I can't wait for the videos on addictions 💗

Omg-amazing video. THANK YOU. I’ve taken a lot of FA tests and this video really goes more into detail about personality characteristics. It makes so much sense! I’m currently studying to be a counselor, you’re so right about how we are fascinated with human behavior.

This is me 100%... giving to the point of No return, feeling owherwelmed and running away. Overworking myself putting all my pride in my profesional life. Knowing EVERYBODY’S needs and feelings. The list goes on and on

tihs is so helpful