The Serbian Bottle Incident 

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to be fair, i am actually terrified of accidently getting something stuck up there by falling on it because it doesnt matter how you go about it, people will always think you put it up there on purpose.

I had a friend who was a nurse and she told me that a guy had come in that day with a sauce bottle up his rectum. He's apparently been climbing on the table (nude) to change a lightbulb, slipped on the table and the sauce bottle had gotten lodged up there. After the doctors had been able to free it from up there one of them asked how it happened again. He told them the same thing, he was on the table, slipped and sat on the sauce bottle. The doctor said "o.k, but that doesn't explain why the bottle has a condom on it."

"he was diagnosed straight" made me laugh so hard

The Balkans has so many insane stories and characters that it could last for a lifetime

As an RN, once had a patient that had "accidentally sat down" on a red delicious apple, which had inadvertently got lodged in his lower colon. After not being able to expel the apple with laxatives and starting to have severe intestinal pain, he came to the ER, where it was unable to be removed necessitating him to go to surgery. Mind you, this was not a small apple, but one 4 inches wide. While this incident did not lead to genocidal warfare, it did cause the patient to require a colon resection with a temporary colostomy that was reversed several months later. Lesson learned: don't sit down around fruit without undergarments on or alternatively, don't stick things up your back side that don't belong there.

"He was diagnosed as straight." I love the balkans

If Juicy Smullet would have done the broken bottle in bum instead of subway and a bleaching, he would have still been a liar, but it would have been more interesting.

"Croatians were using the situation to shitpost" as a Croat I completely belive we would do that

Gavrilo Princip: "So how did you kick off a war? I did it by shooting the Archduke of Austria." Đorđe Martinović: "I stuck a bottle up my ass." Gavrilo Princip: [moves to the other side of the cell]

The best excuse I heard was off one of these tv shows where they ask doctors what the weirdest objects you’ve had to remove. The doctor said that a male came into the hospital and had a shampoo bottle stuck in his bottom and the male said something like he bent over and farted and the backdraft created a suction and sucked the shampoo bottle in.

"Some Albanians shoved a bottle up my keister!" This angered the Balkans, who flew into a rage.

Several masked Albanian speaking men came up behind him and presumably whispered "this is MAGA country" before doing the heinous, hateful deed.

I went to Singapore 12 years ago on a business trip. One morning in the office one of the natives was watching the Singapore News, and was visually distraught. I asked him what was the problem and was given an answer that three bad things had happened in the city. 1. a woman was a passenger in a cab, and didn't have enough money for the ride, so she threw the money she had from the back seat and jumped out of a moving car. 2. The number of people in Singapore that had problems with high fuel prices had risen from 23 to over 150 in a year (blessed be the prices of gas from 12 years ago) 3. One child had ran away from home. I strated laughing, as it was nothing, for such a big city. The guy asked me: "What kind of news do you in Serbia have?". I just told him: "If I told you, you wouldn't beleve me at first, and would probably have mental problems just from my answer. Just stick to your news and don't google my country" :D

Dankula: "I'm gonna try to keep this one monetized" Also Dankula "SCHVETY BALLZ"

I had a yugoslavian employee once, best worker ive EVER worked with. He loved america greatly, but was clearly broken hearted for his country. It was really sad to hear his stories

Initially, upon first hearing about this story, I thought that it was 100% a case of a man lying to cover up a rather unfortunate accident. But now, hearing the full story, or at least greater detail in the story, I'm having serious doubts to the whether or not it actually happened that way. When you have the state intelligence AND the army interfering with the information surrounding the case, that's when you need to start seriously questioning the official narrative.

Could probably give the Slavs their whole sub section of mad lads just dedicated to them. Mad Slavs if you will

Ex-Yugoslav here. Very good, very accurate, excellent, pronunciation on good level, nothing to criticize. It is beautiful to see a Westerner like Scotsman to say everything right about our history.

The Bottle Balkanized inside of him

I once actually did fall over backwards onto a toilet roll holder because there was water on the floor of the bathroom and got a hospital trip with a busted butt hole. I wouldn't have cared if i was actually doing butt stuff but just seeing the way all the drs and nurses looked at me and them having me constantly repeat my story about how a toilet roll holder ended up in my batty was even more painful then the pain from the injury itself

1 Country 1 Bottle

I had a hemorrhoid bleed. I'm still in my 20s, so a bit early for that. After losing a litre of blood, no I still could not convince the doctors or nurses that I hadn't arsefucked myself with something glass. I WISH it was a a 28' silicon mistake, but no I just awoke to being very very bloody.

Honestly It doesn't sound like he did it to himself. 1) the bottle was inserted base side first, not a common method of insertion 2) it happened in a field, unless he had a death wish why would he play with his prostate in public, in the 80s, in fucking Albania 3) after some quick searches, there was EXTENSIVE damage not just to his insides, but to his outsides as well, with IMO the most damning piece of evidence being his groin looked like it had a Episiotomy. 4) Furthermore, the 1guy1jar guy Alexey Tatorov had relatively little damage to his insides compared to Đorđe Martinović. IF Đorđe Martinović did try to fuck himself with a glass bottle, he probably wouldn't keep going once he felt his insides tearing.

Balkans is like living in Gotham, only there's no Batman.

I work for a professor who's field of research is in chemistry. Once a student in class asked him how he got interested in it and the professor simply stated that it was from blowing things up outside when he was in high school. The professor is from Serbia.

Knowing a bunch of EMTs I know a bunch of people shove weird things in their ass and lie about it after the fact. However, i'm inclined to believe him because of the detail that they put the bottle on a stick first. Also love the timely reference to how war propaganda works.

My personal favorite story was when my mom was working in the ER, she walked by and there was a guy laying in the delivery room, so naturally somebody with her asked "why is there a guy in the maternity bed?" A nearby nurse simply responded "we're waiting for the batteries to run out"

*"My Dad is a War Criminal" intensifies*

That's one hell of an independence story. "Yeah someone had a bottle up his ass and that's why now we're an independent country".

I'm inclined to believe Georgie's story, due in large part to the British doctor's assessment that the injury was too severe to be self-inflicted. A totally unaffiliated British doctor doesn't have much reason to take sides in a Balkan racial conflict, so I see his conclusion as more unbiased and trustworthy.

Years ago, I was told by a gay friend that using glass bottles is "a rookie mistake." He expanded, "Look man, you're trying to get guys to put their dicks in there. How TF you gonna get them to do that when you got a bunch of broken glass in there?" Then, as now, I could only nod my head and agree that that does make sense.

This would be like a random interaction in Minnesota sparking widespread riots across the United States... *Oh wait...*

I'm inclined to believe that he didn't do it himself, but I would be surprised if the enemy would be so kind as to give him anesthetics first... Ramming a bottle in and smashing it was BTW quite common among Arab and Japanese war crimes.

My Mother was an X-Ray tech. Some days after school I would hang out in the Employee lounge at her hospital. They had a Box, "The Ass Box". It contained all the XRay's of things shoved in people's asses, with a hand written anecdote about the case, and what the patient claimed happened("I was golfing and i slipped and fell"...."Yes I too golf naked quite frequently") and it went back like 30 years. Not all of them were things in the butt, there was one lady who nailed nails into her skull, but some of the ones that were would shock you. Bottles, Eggplants(big end first), a trumpet, a literal Cornucopia(look it up lol). Needless to say, X Ray techs tend to have a great sense of humor, and just because they don't laugh at you, in your face, yeah, You might just end up in the Ass Box.

The German mark was used as a kind of a second official currency in Yugoslavia, even some laws and regulations listed fines and such in DEM. In Croatia, the Government recently announced it would remove mentions of the two-decades-dead currency from our legislation because the Government is so hard-working and competent that it definitely didn't just realize this shit was still in there as part of its preparations to scrap monetary sovereignty and adopt the euro. Love your stories, much love from the Balkans.

Serbian history always feels like you're tapping into something super obscure just because of how unbelievable it all sounds, and how we have never heard of these stories before in any form of media or history class.

That x-ray reminds me of a story my ex-gf told me once...which always fascinated me. My ex is a nurse at a gastrointestinal clinic. She had a frequent patient that routinely suffered from self inflicted insertions. The patient was a 80+ year old widow who was an exceptionally well-to-do southern lady. As such she had a minority butler/driver. The patient so missed her husband who had died some 40 years prior, a husband who introduced her to a certain kink, a husband who left her a LOT of money. When she was feeling sentimental; Xmas, birthdays, anniversaries...she would have to be brought to the clinic by her butler/driver. Apparently her husband enjoyed anal and intoduced her to that experience so to properly remember him and the "experience" she would insert various objects (usually light bulbs interestingly enough) and would have to be driven to the clinic to have these items removed. Now what fascinated me was the fact that this elderly rich widow had absolutely NO shame about this and freely explained to my ex why she was being admitted and went into detail about the object and why it was there. This happened many many many times so much so that her and my ex became good friends. One of the funniest conversations I have ever had is when my ex just randomly, out of nowhere, began to tell me this story.

In the 80's while in the Marines I got talked into going on a ride along with a reservist buddy who had joined the police force. The whole ride along was an adventure in itself because for some reason my buddy and his partner ran into more weird shit with me in the car with them that day than his senior partner had seen in one day in his 6 years on the force but those incidents are another story. The last incident of the day involved a naked man running down the median in broad daylight on Ocean Blvd. near the Belmont Shores area. They stopped the man and I had to stay in the car while they questioned and dealt with him so it took awhile before I knew what the deal was. Eventually an ambulance arrived and took the man away. According to the man he had been abducted by some men in a blue van who had stripped him, stole his money, his clothes and jewelry then the men shoved a cucumber up his rear and through him out. The cucumber was still there and he could not expel it. We spent the last hour of their shift driving around looking for this van with no luck. Some weeks later when I met up with my buddy again he told the van had been found and the people involved said that they had picked up a male prostitute on 2nd Street, they were getting freaky in the van and when the cucumber got lost the man freaked out, jumped out of the van and took off running. The case was still pending charges because both sides had stuck to their stories but I doubt anything ever came of it. Of course my buddy being the disgusting individual he was had to relay to me their follow up with the doctor who treated him. The doctor just had the man get on all fours, push as hard as he could and the doctor was able to screw the corkscrew of his Swiss army knife into the end of the cucumber while it was peeking out and pull it out avoiding major surgery. The anecdote to this story is that this incident ended up being one of the reasons I never considered law enforcement or the medical field as a future carrier.

"This region of the globe where the national pastime is war crimes" I choked so hard i had you call you Daddy Dankula!

This is what parents should show kids who ask if lying is bad. They probably shouldn’t, but this hits home harder than any “don’t lie” morality spiel I’ve ever listened to. Edit: Like Otto Von Bismarck always says, “it’s some damned thing in the Balkans”.

"Mom, I want to watch 'a serbian film' " "We have 'a serbian film' at home." A serbian film at home:

Bulgaria looking over the fence "The fuck are they doing over there? A bottle?"

The guy who made the “jar squatter” video where it smashes was so much more hardcore. He didn’t make some excuse, he literally just admitted he did it because he likes it. That’s a man’s man.

The number of men arguing over the logistics of the incident and whether it could be accidental or not is hilarious.

An old farmer with grandchildren in a conservative/religious part of the world decides to pleasure himself with a bottle on a stick... in the open after a hard day of field work? Where people who pass by can see him? And then the cops who decided to ignore picking up evidence until after it rains were all Albanians? And the person who wanted to buy tge farm just so happened to have left the country before the incident? And then a neutral doctor from London insists the wounds couldn't have been self inflicted? Imma be real dank i believe the guy's story...

My cousin used to work as a Physicians Assisstant at a hospital in rural Tennessee. He was on the overnight shift in the ER once when a preacher who had driven across 3 counties with a lightbulb lodged in his lower colon crashed into the front of the building.

"Operation hide the bottle" fucking killed me had me on the floor laughing

Dank: "they didn't take any items as evidence." Lead Investigator: "Okay, nose goes. Who's picking up the butt bottle pieces?"

This guy deserves an Oscar for his existence

As a toddler I once shoved a Lego man into my nostril. Lego man’s head was stuck up there and ER doctor removed it. Even as a small child, I still came up with the lie of, “I must of rolled onto it while asleep”.

My wife is an ER nurse of 20 years. Once a week she’d come home with a story of “I don’t know how it got up there…..”That’s 1040 times she heard that and she’s just 1 nurse in 1 hospital. Think about that for a minute.

German Marks was the most stable currency in the world. When the € came the excange rate was almost 2:1. With inflation I guess it would be about a quarter of a million € or Dollars.

Dank's voice for the guy lying about sodomizing himself to the hospital being an uppity British accent is the most Scottish thing I've heard all week.

That asymmetrical hexagon in the background is driving me absolutely insane

as a person from the balkans, that place is a shitshow. There's stories like this on a daily. When my dad was in the yugo army, he said even that was so much of a warzone itself that generals gave up on trying to maintain peace. Balkans are wack man

I heard a story from the Belgrade ER (I think that's where the story took place) A man walked into the ER with a head, and asked a nurse to..."fix" his buddy. Apparently two guys took a little something something and started playing with big swords. And one of them got a bit aggressive and... you can figure out the rest. So he packed both of the pieces that used to make up his buddy into his car and went to the ER.

As someone from the Balkans, I can say that the war crime past time part is true. They used to execute Serbian POWs by jumping on their heads Super Mario-style in my old elementary school back during the war.

From the info in this video I think the most likely option is the “Land Dispute”. The guy goes out of country right after some peasant refuses to sell his land to you. You pay two guys to rough him up but don’t say anything that ties to you or the fact that the guy couldn’t speak Albanian he didn’t know what they were trying to get out of him. They attack him and before the other guy gets back from Switzerland he can’t even make a new offer because shit has hit the fan so bad that he’s not going towards that with a 10 foot pole lol

That opening graphic, though. Will never forget Glass Jar Man.

The more I learn about the Balkan’s, the more I wonder how they still exist. Like I thought the Middle East and Central Africa was geopolitical powder keg.

The Balkans are beautiful, The people are tough as brass, They'll share with you their beer, And stow the bottle up yer arse. - 'Sun Tzu: food and beverage etiquette of the Balkan regions'

"It's gonna be some damned foolish thing in the Balkans." Otto Von Bismarck

Eastern Europe is basically just Florida but with worse infrastructure

*record scratch* "I bet you're wondering how I got here and why Yugoslavia collapsed. Well It all started with a bottle."

Count I found your RU-vid channel a few days ago by accident and I watched all of your stories for 3 days straight and I was a mess after 3 days because I couldn't stop watching and I was laughing at your sarcasm. Count I really like your channel and love watching your stories !

i dont think an old man is gonna do that to himself in the middle of a field.

Some context, it was in german marks because a. a lot of yugoslavs went to germany for work and marks were accepted in places b. hyperinflation was a thing, I remember my grandma said she paid tens of thousands(or maybe millions) of dinars to buy me a tricycle

I feel like the Balkans are just Europe’s Florida

"Lets call it operation hide the bottle" ... OOF

I just realized that if Dank shaved he’d look like an Edgy Baby

From a bottle in a rectum to genocide in the same sentence? That escalated quickly...

Honestly, if I wanted to hurt someone in a way that would make nobody believe them I would go straight for the object-in-the-arsehole method.

I guess the reason why German Marks were cited was due to hyperinflation the Yugoslav Dinar, followed by revaluations that occured between 1990 and 1994. This would lead people to use the German Mark, which was a hard, or strong, currency.

Just what I needed! Get off work on a horrible Monday, only to be greeted by one of my favorite Scotsman! We consider you a resident with dual citizenship here in Texas!!

If he did it himself, then how did the shards get so far into his body? The british doctor's conclusion sounds rather convincing.

you could've called this the "Booty Bottle Boogaloo" and you didn't lol MISSED OPPORTUNITY!

We need more balkans stories! That region is basically some sort of chaotic Gmod server in real life!

As the doctor told his x-ray patient : "This would be much more believable if Heinz sold ketchup with condom applied..." 😐

I live in Serbia, under a rock apparently, since I never heard this story. Most perfect way to enlighten me.

As School kids, I remember how 'Slobodan Milosovich' got turned into 'Slobberdown Myknobyabitch' ahhh memories

Heard him say AFT so much that it sounds wrong hearing someone call it the ATF

"Quite far up" is a bit of an understatement any further up and an oral examination would of been more appropriate in said bottles removal.

I can assure you that country folk in those balkan regions are deeply religious and straight up, especially old folk with lots of grandchildren to set an example for. After a backbreaking day the least they can think of is shoving a bottle up their backside. This idea is more likely to spring up in the upper middle class, metro folk of London, Los Angeles and New York. Plus those glass bottles are extremely valuable (and rare in the countryside) for storing strong moonshine they produce.

Notice it’s a beer bottle, he probably got drunk and did it himself

I have no idea how anyone could possibly believe he did that to himself, especially after the English doctor, who has no bias in the issue, confirmed it would be impossible for it to be self-inflicted.

Dank i love you for teaching us these little details completely ignored by mainstream media. Keep doing what you're doing!

he definitely did it to himself - 1. he screwed up the story himself..why? because u cant just stick morphine in someones arm .. AT ALL… it would not do a thing but maybe give u a cyst - U MUST get the needle carefully in the vein and draw blood to make sure ur in the vein (just like when u get blood work) and then shoot it (again carefully) inside the blood stream via that vein and he conflicted his stories twice - once by stating that he was knocked out by 1) getting hit in the back of the head (but there was no injries to his head) and 2) said he was knocked out by a morphine needle to the arm 😑 (THATS ALL YOU NEED) But…2. Doctors actually were called in around all the countries/provinces of what was then Yugoslavia and they showed that by the force and all - was that he stuck it in his arse and simply slipped and fell right on it (ouch…) but yes….

Tupac is alive and well in Serbia

On one hand, people get things stuck in themselves all the time, and almost always lie about it. On the other hand, the extent and depth of his injuries suggest an attack. But the idea that the attackers would have, and want to use, a syringe of morphine seems unlikely. However, they did find the stick and bottle, and those were not made to be an object of pleasure. But, given the tensions, the corruption and the delay in collecting evidence, that could absolutely be fake. I can't draw a conclusion. A propper forensic examination of the bottle could probably clear everything up, but that's not gonna happen.

I'm from Poland and your pronunciation was pretty good in my estimation. I think your scottish accent is a big helper, because it isn't as smooth as "vanilla english", especially on letters like f.e. "r". Anyway, proud of you, son. You deserve some goofy time tonight.

You know, it happens. You're just walking around the house with no pants on as you usually do, and before you know it something gets stuck up there.

Damn He said genocides as in plural ...more than one...holy crap....

I’m really leaning towards Georgi having done it but then again the doctors saying “that bottle was a little *too* far up there for Georgi to have done it himself” makes me really hesitant to make a decision. Who knows maybe Georgi had an Albanian buddy do it, his homeboy shoved it too far, it broke, Georgi passed out from the blood loss and his buddy booked it. We will never know sadly.

23:12 can you imagine how much weirder Christianity would've turned out if that's what happened to jesus? People would be wearing tiny bottles on necklaces

the guy made an ass of himself then the whole region goes belly up

What a walk into a hospital that must have been! "Right, you're not gonna believe this"

Sees the video: "Dank? Do I need to go grab my Slivovitz?" 2 minutes in: Yes yes I am going to get it.

George Floyd gets kneed: I can't breathe! Djordje Martinović: hold my beer bottle...oh wait! I need that for... evidence... yeah.

Just here to say, I just thought of a man who would be perfect for a Mad Lad episode. Cizia Zyke, the man is Frenco-Greeko-Albanese (Yeah, Alabania is a it again). He explored the world in the wildest way possibles, he sought Gold in Costa Rica, survived Malaria, raided Aztec tombs, became a part of Toronto's Mafia, worked in the African underworld, that man has one of the wildest lives a man could have, one of his biggest quote was "It is truely hard to be free, you'll pay the price each moment of your life, you have no right to be free, because those, those who kneeled if you will, they'll hate you for your freedom, people always hated me for my freedom, but I had it, and I'll have it until the end". He died in 2011, and in France, he was named "The last adventurer in history".