Never thought I'd stay at home to raise my kids until I had one. The pull to be with my baby was in my bones, though I had no idea what I was doing. The first year of motherhood was a sort of passion, where my old self painfully burned away and a new one was born. And there was no one to 'grade' me or affirm me as there was in outside employment. My husband would come home from work and I would show him the sparkling bathroom or the bread I tried to bake as if expecting a gold star. I discovered Waldorf/ Steiner education in the early 2000s, and it was the first time I found a community that elevated and esteemed motherhood. I learned crafting and cooking and rhythm with other newbies just like me. I knew then I wanted motherhood to be my primary occupation. My husband was less than enthusiastic. While he very much benefitted from not having his sleep disturbed, or ill children/ appointments and errands interfering with his work schedule, his instinct to build and provide was in his bones too. He wanted us to own a house, and move up the ladder so we could provide economic security for our family. It came down to an honest conversation where he said if I wanted to stay at home we would probably rent for many decades. I had to let go of the chicken and acreage dream, and as our family grew we moved countries, cities, schools and houses many times. I had to provide the anchor and the rhythm, and that was hard for me. I had to give up the lovely community I'd met through Steiner kindy and work things out alone. We finally bought our first home when I was 47, and our eldest child had left home. My husband is fully supportive of the choices we made because of how everything has turned out. Our kids are flourishing, confident, self regulating, healthy, mentally well and love being with us. Our marriage is strong too. One thing to note is that stay at homes mothers are always working outside the home. We run playgroups, co-ops, volunteer, help neighbours, sports groups etc. We get lonely, bored, frustrated, envious. It's not all perfect sour dough (still can't make it) and handmade dresses (can't sew either). The lifestyle absolutely depends on your temperament, and to the many women who give me the (backhanded?) compliment that they could never do what I do, I say: That's okay, I couldn't do what you do either. Women are not an homogeneous group, some thrive in the pressure cooker of business or medicine or retail. Some don't want children or marriage at all, and that's great too. History is filled with fascinating, brilliant spinsters. One lifestyle is not better than another. To anyone who feels my choice is beyond them but they would love more wholesomness and family feeling in their home I recommend just eating together every night. Set a beautiful table, savour your meal together, tidy up together, forget your schedule for half and hour and just be with each other. The dining table has always been the centre of our house, and this daily ritual makes such a difference.
Louise I really enjoy your work and recommend your book and podcasts to many women. I really would appreciate more episodes focused on the matriarch as I find most of your work focused on the maiden and mother part of a woman's life. Some of your episodes have referred to many grandmothers as unwilling or unable to participate in childcare, but otherwise, as a matriarch, I don't feel represented in your podcast topics. I do enjoy the topics you do address as it has me reflecting on my years as a mother, my daughter's life and choices as a mother and what my 5 year old granddaughter's life will be as a maiden and mother, but I don't see a lot specifically about the matriarch or crone. Thank you for reading and considering my comment.
Around 20 minutes, I was quite disappointed to hear the conversation turn towards comparing men with women. Men by and large actually do not have the choice to stay home, work part-time, work full-time, work double time. By default, the man's role is to work as much as possible to support children and the mother. If the marital union dissolves, then resources are still extracted from the man for this purpose. It's rather narcissistic and delusional to perseverate on their own dilemmas and tradeoffs, while thinking that men magically have this tremendous decision latitude when kids come into the picture. What does her husband do? He's a tradesman of some sort? Is he working extended hours, breaking his back, developing high blood pressure from the stress of dealing with large sums of money and ball-breaking customers? This woman would probably walk out of the marriage if the guy said that he wanted to stop working 1.5x hours and ask to stay at home with the children, while she goes back to work full-time. What choice does he actually have? And do you think that all of marriages that these other middle and upper class women are any different?
The guest talks too long and interrupts. I am a Catholic mother, home for 14 years as a full-time mother, but I would never homeschool my children. It can be a depravation. Living like Laura Ingalls with your children working a farm, helping you with your babies and learning alone is not something to idealize; it is poverty. People loved that way in the past because they had no choice in their poverty. There are many wonderful private schools. (I wouldn’t touch public school, wouldn’t go near it.) Your children are not an experiment to achieve your “founder” lifestyle fed by online blogs and tik Tok.
Yeah do people not realize that the previous generations left the subsitance farm life for a reason? It's actually a very precarious existence with a high failure rate. I also happen to know people that grow/hunt their own food and they still need to work full time jobs.
@@redmaple1982 A more precarious life than what at that time? Cleaning at night and living in a windowless tenement in New York? Like another book of the era, A tree grows in Brooklyn.
@@grannyannie2948 susbsitnace farming is more precarious than a modern day life in a modern society - but it's also worth noting that the bulk of 1900s Brooklyn consisted of immigrants who left their previous agrarian life for the city.
Lane is super smart, thanks for bringing this to us. One of the things that stood out to me the point that she approached her family as a team and realizes she was/is in a supporting role when it comes to, earning money, ie her husband was in a better situation to make more money so she supported him, though I kinda got the impression that there is a bit of resentment there (If i worked in the city I'd have a million amazing friends), and that's very understandable, especially as Lana obviously could have a very successful career on her own. I would say, those million amazing friends would actually not be a million friends and they definitely wouldn't be amazing. Corporate friends are not really friends, they are for the most part just people trying to get a piece of of the pie. Some maybe interesting some maybe not, it seems what is more lacking is exposure to a wide range of different people, which does come with a career, but that's not really the objective of a career. I think it's a failing of our society that the best way to meet new and interesting people is to join a startup to make vcs rich or join an established multinational doing interesting things. You definitely will meet interesting people that way, but we shouldn't need to sign up to 40-60 hour work weeks to meet interesting people. We shouldn't look at corporations as saviours, they are not, they are just in a privileged position because they have all the money. I understand the arguments for incentivizing innovation and startups etc, but jesus, its gone too far when this is the idol we worship and sacrifice most of our life for. Work should be work, something that produces value. Not a social mobility climbing exercise that we sign up to because there is no other choice to make cool friends, and this applies to men and women completely the same. We need more slack in the system, for people to live.
I am ten minutes in and cannot believe how much I relate to this. I am 34, a retired chef/software engineer turned stay-at-home mom to a 2.5 month old and feel everything she is saying to my core. I moved to smaller town fourteen hours away from my family a year ago, we immediately got pregnant after trying for a year in the city, and now I am dealing with figuring out who the hell I am now, because so many facets of who I used to be are completely gone. It's SO isolating. I can't wait to listen to it more but I only have a few minutes a day to myself now lol
Babies are exhausting. I remember at the time thinking, "put a watch on. It'll go buzzing in some predictable and SUPER unpredictable ways and the ONLY way to get it to stop is to drop everything you're doing and attend to it.... which could be 5 minutes or 5 hours to calm the buzzing watch....and after you got it to stop, it will go off again in some few seconds to hour or more." And the most ridiculous "enjoy it because it'll be over before you know it" advice made me want to throw a blow-out diaper in that persons face. lol Hugs from a parent of older teens who also resonates so deeply with this interview.
I think tradeives would recieve less pushback if they just called themselves housewives, didn't frame their families as a moral/political gesture, and did not feature their families on social media ..idk how people don't see how alienating/embarrassing internet slang, internet politics, influencing are to normal people.
I can't quite believe that women can't remember what a trad wife is or why it needs to be reinvented. In the 80s and 90s many women were still stay at home mothers, so surely people don't need to look back further than their own childhoods.
I haven't heard for Ballerina Farm until now, but I can only speculate that the reason people are trying to take her down for her wealth is the same reason why people do not like nepobabies. Lane mentioned that it takes a lot of courage to go against the grain and I am sure there are some real financial risks for a city dweller to start a farm (especially if they have little prior knowledge of farming). If you are already rich, you can afford to take a risk, try your hand at a rural lifestyle and if you fail, then worst case scenario you have a hobby farm or move back to the city unscathed. This is a luxury that many people do not have. So in a way it is a little risk, high reward situation (assuming that living the trad life is your goal). Similarly, nepobabies don't face the same risk of failure as somebody not born within whatever desired industry. It's obviously not her fault she is rich and it's good for her that she enjoys what she is doing, but I also don't think that those criticizing her come from an entirely vitriolic and hateful place just because she is beautiful like Lane suggested.
The criticism being leveled against her is that she is basically cosplaying a poor rural life and aesthetic while being very wealthy. Not sure if I wholly agree but I think it is not just jealousy behind all of the criticism.
So good and so many thoughts I've had but haven't heard anyone say out loud. The unsexy life decisions are sometimes the most solid with the least regrets even if they have the most sacrifices. Social media then lets us see the path we didn't take, and therefore the trips, cars, friendships, and grand paychecks we didn't earn but wouldn't trade for what we chose instead.
Edited for more information: I was homeschooled along with my siblings by a loving, highly educated, intelligent, stay at home Catholic mother and I wouldn’t choose that for my kids even if I was genuinely offered $100 million dollars no strings attached to do it. I think this lifestyle is the perfect one for you if you want to make sure your kids have anxiety disorders.
I want to hear more about your experience! I find that with a lot of trad wife, home schooling moms we get a lot from the mother's perspective but rarely hear from the kids. Some of these moms still have fairly young kids so I can't say that the results are in.
Enjoyed this discussion, thank you. Lane Scott's essay is about so much more than being a mother. A very smart analysis of the way choosing to be 'self governing' as a person ripples out and affects everything else in your life. Mental health, relationships, politics ...
Totally relatable interview. Surprised I don't know this woman. Our family moved out of California. I'm homeschooling my kids reluctantly but admittedly for all the same reasons she mentioned. I have a masters and had a professional career before kids. I don't miss corporate America. Schools are garbage here. My husband makes the money.
The LDS church no longer recommends a two year’s supply of food as they used to. Maybe three months is recommended now. As the older leaders who lived thru the Great Depression died off, so did the recommended amounts of food storage.
A very utilitarian analysis of stay at home motherhood. Those who have deep faith and transcendent underpinnings about their motherhood are a strong sector of the at home mothering and they are fulfilled spiritually and connect spiritually with their dedication in the home. Added to the utilitarian analysis and the work of motherhood is the most important work and cause on the planet.
🎯 Key Takeaways for quick navigation: 00:12 *Tradwives face challenges rebelling against mainstream conservatism.* 00:40 *Discussion on tradwives, social media, homeschooling, and rural living.* 01:09 *Importance of Christianity in understanding oneself and the world.* 02:14 *Lane Scott's essay "The Mother's Gauntlet" on challenges of motherhood.* 08:13 *Economic dynamics favoring stay-at-home moms and challenges they face.* 13:26 *Lane's perspective on tradwife lifestyle: not demonizing or glamorizing.* 17:57 *Overcoming lack of confidence and embracing diverse choices in life.* 18:51 *Forced choices for women in parenting.* 19:35 *Biology shapes responsibility.* 21:13 *Daycare stress impact.* 22:06 *Evaluate flexibility possibilities.* 23:32 *Dilemma: Stay-at-home vs. school quality.* 26:03 *Decline in education standards.* 27:30 *Conservative movement needs rebels.* 31:22 *Tradlife path: Courageous choice.* 32:46 *Unseen fulfillment in non-conformity.* 34:10 *Tradlife: Engaging intentional life.* 38:58 *Tradlife lifestyle* 39:26 *Mormons and culture* 40:07 *Perception and beauty* 41:17 *Unattainable ideals* 42:24 *Art of living* 43:22 *Social media art* 44:45 *Motherhood status* Made with HARPA AI
What is going on at minute 48. Who are these older women who don't encourage younger women who are new moms. I am 62 and sure hope I am an encouraging force. My mom really cheerleaded me through those early years. Perhaps she made it easy for me to ignore the naysayers but 30 years ago --- at least in my memory -- there were not older women scolding me .
I live as a traditional catholic wife and mother. Prayer, fasting, devotion, and truth is the spiritual fuel of our family. Those that trash it are suffering in lives of sin and despair...great episode!
"I'll have a large Picpoul", my girlfriend says to me. There's no "please may I have", and I hadn't offered. She's already had a whole bottle to herself on an empty stomach and is now half-cut. I've been upbraided for not buying the £30 bottle of wine for her, instead leaving her to buy it for herself. Meanwhile I'm on coffee because I'm driving. Later on she'll start in on one of her favourite themes: "when you buy me a lovely house in the Cotswolds". Every now & again when this subject comes up, I venture to ask why I'm always putting my hand in my pocket for her, and how come women are more materialistic than men, and what am I getting out of it? (I know what I'm getting out of it). The answer is "a man should do lovely things for his girlfriend" and "because you love me". We're both in our late forties and earn about the same, which is to say quite a lot. I've heard this kind of venal acquisitiveness from every woman I've ever had a relationship with, from when we were both in our teens and broke to both being middle-aged and flush. I find it repellent. I put up with it. It's the price of sex. Why should a man provide for a woman who is perfectly capable of providing for herself? Young women out-earn young men these days, I'm told. We're not living in the semi-mythical before-times when women had to have their husband's permission to open a bank account, and respectable middle-class women didn't work. In that kind of society it would be perfectly reasonable to be expected to materially provision a woman for life in return for sex, children and housework. We don't live in that kind of society anymore. Women today are financially emancipated, yet men are expected to pay and pay for their limited favours. The excuses of evolutionary psychology won't butter any more parsnips in this day and age. A subconscious instinct to test a man's provisioning abilities in order to reassure yourself that in the event of motherhood your bases will be covered is laughable in a world dominated by the pill, by below replacement level birth rates, by 50% marriage failure rates, by 80%+ female initiated divorces, by elderly primigravidae who have but one child, by strong, independent girl-bosses who earn as much or more than their male peers . . . "Where are you taking me on holiday this year?" she slurs. She won't be doing any cooking tonight. I'm a right-wing guy but I don't have any time for the tradcons or their tradwives. There's no turning back the clock. Why would I pay and pay and pay a woman just to raise children? I pay enough as it is, and at least this way I can walk out any time. Later on she'll get verbally abusive for a bit. I can bob and weave through it without really paying any attention. Then she'll get amorous. After eight hours of bull***t I'll get my eight seconds of pleasure. I'll never live with her, I'll never marry her. She can't have children, and it's just as well.
As a Christian SAHM who lives in So Cal & was raised by a working mom I related to this so much. At times raising my kids full time for their entire childhoods was scary, My mom & siblings were not close by, it was financially tight for many years,it was isolating at times especially during Covid ( I did a P/T day care out of my home to bring extra income in, I volunteered at their schools & church & joined mom groups to combat that isolation )We did switch from public to Christian ed at Jr High & we’re paying for Christian college now. 100% worth it!!! Our young men love God, are close to us and each other , get good grades , work hard, respect young women , We enjoy spending time with them. I would do it all over again.
Haven't gotten past the ad read yet, but it sounded like the content related to the title of the video is all behind the paywall and that has me questioning in what way this video is related to the title? At 48:44 still stand behind my initial impression :(
The fundamental problem with the Trad Nuclear Family is that it is male supremacist. Abolish male supremacy for successful marriages and nuclear families.
Once a human becomes a true parent, being more interested in their children and relating to them, then other relationships take a lesser importance. With time, the family becomes its own world and the outside world fades.
