The Weaponized Incompetence Movement 

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My dad, because he was a professional freelance artist, could take care of a lot of the household duties, while my mum worked 8 hours a day. He cooked, cleaned, did the chores, the laundry and ironed everybody's clothes. He could do that and work in his studio too, it was what made him happy. I remember one day, I must have been a young teen, when I went clothes-shopping with him, and he saw the usual couples: a stern or annoyed women pulling their men behind them to find some clothes, while they either dangled behind with a miffed face, or sat in full inertia on chairs, to wait for their wives to come back with the clothes. My dad looked at them, and then said to me quietly: "Look at them. Useless. All of them. Can't even buy their own clothes." And then proceeded to go shopping with me, merrily. He taught me cooking, DIY, fixing things around the house, all very important life skills - but this moment will always stand out to me. Thank you, Papa.

asking a wife to make dinner 2 DAYS AFETR LABOUR has to be the beginning of my villain arc. cause what the actual fuck....

No that dishwasher one is 100% weaponized incompetence. You cannot convince me he's never taken something out of a clean dishwasher, seen it on TV, or seen someone else load/ unload the dishwasher. I will die on that hill.

If my partnership becomes a babysitting situation, I no longer want that partnership.

My dad did laundry for the first time last year. He's 60. The only reason he finally did it was because I got so tired of him pretending he didn't know how to that I spent several years making fun of him for it: "Oh, you can get a phd but you can't read the inside of a washing machine?" He finally started doing the laundry. :) If men want to play at being dumb, they'd better get used to being belittled for it.

I saw a quote once, "If we empower women to work outside the home without expecting men to work inside the home, we aren't empowering women, we are exploiting them" There's no reason why only one partner should take the brunt of household and childcare chores, when both of them have full time jobs. These husbands come home from work "tired" and spend 6 hours sitting on a couch, drinking beer and watching tv, but expect their wives to clean the entire place, cook dinner, do laundry and other "manly" jobs like putting up shelves when they're equally as tired. So self-centered.

I’m a child of this kind of relationship. Trust me, if you want to have a good relationship with your child, don’t do this. We got used to him never being there for us when we needed him, especially throughout my childhood. Now, we rarely need him around for anything and he’s become very detached from anything going on in the household. It feels like we can’t trust him to do anything, so we don’t trust him at all. It’s very sad to see, but ultimately the only one who can change that is him, by becoming someone we can rely on. He has never done that. Thank you for attending my therapy session. I have so much more respect for my mother for keeping a household intact while practicing raising TWO CHILDREN on her own.

If you’re bad at everything related to parenting or housekeeping, good luck getting any custody.

Something important to note is that when the husband acts like this, it's not just the wife who hates it - the children notice. Believe me when I say children definitely notice this, especially daughters, and will build up severe hatred and anger against the father, even if he hasn't personally hurt them or done anything to them. Many men complain about mothers "brainwashing" their children to hate the father even if he hasn't been a bad parent, to get custody. I've personally experienced 2 such situations and seen more where they think like this. They may not be a bad parent, but they were a bad spouse and your child will hate you for making mom clean and cook and tire herself out for days on end. It's not true in all cases obv, but men love blaming moms as manipulative witches even though they were the neglectful dads in the first place.

My coworker is a male chauvinist. His whole family went camping for family reunion. The wife asked him to grill the steak thats gonna be the highlight of family supper. it cost roughly $200. My coworker deliberately burned it. He was pleased with himself. He told us at work after he's back from vacation. He said the wife ought to know better than to asked him to cook. Its a woman job. We all thought this guy is an idiot.

I remember seeing a post someone made where their dad tried that shit. He claimed he didn't know how to clean the kitchen so the mom very sweetly showed him. She cleaned the whole kitchen completely spotless. She then with a big smile on her face spread chocolate syrup all over every surface so he could show her what he learned.

If the parents are disappointed that there’s no roast dinner when they come over to see their new grandbaby, then they only have themselves to blame for how they raised their son

I refused to let my lazy ex husband get away with doing a bad job on tasks. He complained to his family that I wanted him to wait on me hand and foot. I just wanted him to put the laundry away instead of hiding it away on the bunk bed

The making a roast 2 days after giving birth due to the in-laws coming over...if the in-laws are coming to see the new baby, it is supposed to be to help the new parents, not to make life even harder!

Reminds me of times where I've overheard men telling their buddies that they shouldn't have to lift a finger in a marriage because their ONLY requirement is to give the woman a ring & go to work. "Once the wedding is over, it's her job to keep the man from leaving." Bet those are the same types who act surprised when they get served divorce papers.

It must be terrifying to have someone's baby and find out they don't care enough about you to inconvenience themselves

My boyfriend took photos of everything in my apartment at one point and used his photos as reference to clean my entire place when i had a rought time at my uni. Its not about their ability, its their will to do learn. IF THEY WANTED THEY WOULD!!

My dad used to do this all throughout my childhood and my mom would have these big explosive reactions because she felt unappreciated and overworked. I can still see her screaming at the kitchen sink while my dad sat on a recliner watching TV. I would literally rather die alone than be a grown man’s glorified maid, cook, therapist, nanny, etc. She’s now so confused when I explain how I do not want a husband or children lmao

group projects are the reason why batman works alone.

I got married in 1978. One of my husband-to-be’s bosses told him that if I ever asked him to do anything, to make sure he screwed it up so I would never ask him again. *sigh*. This makes me SO sad. How are we still here? 😢

When I met my ex husband, he had a clean house and cooked all the time. After we married, he slowly stopped doing all of that and once we had twins, completely stopped all of it. I was a married single mother. Even our children’s drs were asking if I was a single mother because they never saw him. He even refused to change diapers or bathe them because they were girls. 🤦🏽‍♀️ So I decided if I was going to be a single mom, I might as well be a single mom. Now my house is cleaner, I have way more money, and I have less stress because I don’t have anyone trying to control my life. ❤

12:15 "i'm not gaslighting you! you always say i'm gaslighting you and i'm not-" [velvety old narrator voice] he was, indeed, always gaslighting her

If you can’t manage maintaining half your house while in a relationship you shouldn’t be in one. What baffles me is a lot of these people are fine on their own but expect to not do anything once in a partnership? That’s not how it works buddy, we’re dating/living together I’m not your housemaid 💀

My kids learned the “I can’t do it right” from their father. They learned that if they weren’t good at something I’d just have them do it more often until they learned. Their father quit using that excuse.

To these types of men, especially the ones who have become fathers...You don't say "help the wife take care of the child" or "help my wife clean", because that implies it is her "duty" as a wife to clean and raise the kids, when in reality it is both the mother and the father responsible for cleaning up the house, and raising the kids. You wanted to start a family, step up to the mf plate and be grown- you don't "help", you DO cause it is also your responsibility, it ain't just your wife's.

Please, my fellow women, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE get a feel for how your bf does his chores and takes care of his space before marrying him. Also, if your friends and/or family members are telling you they don't like the guy, LISTEN TO THEM.

Just buy the dang pumpkin dude. Feed the pumpkin to the dog if you’re so worried about the $3.00 can of pumpkin.

In my opinion, people who do things poorly on purpose have no self-respect. Don't you want to do well? Don't you want to be proud of your achievements? Don't you want people to be happy when you enter a room? For the people you love to trust you? Truly baffling behaviour to me.

as a Filipino who manually washes the dishes by hand, it's crazy for me to think that even putting the dishes in the dishwasher is something they couldn't do right. this is why I'd rather be a single mom than to be with someone like that AGAIN.

These type of men will literally not even do a single chore or care about their children but then complain about not getting custody

This is the reason why I left my ex's ass after 3 months living together, so much incompetence. Bro was older than me and didn't even know the basics about anything

I refuse to help with chores if my brother is allowed to laze around. The "because you're a girl" was said several times and I answered back "we are both children of this household and I don't pick my gender". Thank goodness my brother is capable of basic house chores 🤷‍♀️

i tried that shit as a kid and my mom forced me to sit there and learn how i "didnt know" how to sweep, mom would be like "then learn" and i would learn how to do shit lmao no weaponized incompetence in my house, frfr

If he can't do simple chores, run. You'll never have a partner, you'll have an overgrown toddler.

I remember when my dad threw a tantrum about not being able to cook when we asked him to help in the kitchen. The thing we asked him to do that caused this hissy fit? Empty a salad kit into a bowl. 😑

Bruh that guy expecting her to cook a roast 2 days after giving birth pisses me tf off. If it was me, he’d get all the sleep…the Big Sleep that is.

as an Asian kid with Asian parents i can tell you my dad is dumb and absent enough i forget i have a dad, mum basically raised us on her own from the moment she gave birth a day later he force her back to work. she had to do both nursing/childcare, chores, home cooking and work and all he did was work but even then it was obvious mum did 90% of it

The clip of the poor pregnant woman being asked by her manchild if he should change a poopy diaper gave me a flashback to a friends husband. We were in their living room watching tv and their youngest child (toddler working on potty training, so diapers were still in use) started taking off her dirty diaper right in front of us and he just ignored his child literally right in front of him until she ASKED him to pls change a diaper.

See this is the fear of getting married and or having kids with people. Being stuck in a way with someone who flips and treats you horribly

"Women initiate most of divorce!", gee i wonder why. That guilt-trip doesn't even move me anymore. These guys deserve all the divorce they can get

My parents were exactly like this. Mom did everything, made all our appointments, got us ready for school, worked full time, cooked, cleaned, even did the yard work and washed the cars. Dad had a bunch of tools he never used but claimed were for fixing things and his excuse for why he did nothing ever? "I work." Like my mom didn't? Insane! The only thing I remember about him was that he'd step in to punish us when we were misbehaved, nothing else. Now my younger brother acts similarly useless and lets his twin sister work to support him while he sits around at home doing nothing. Cis men, get it together, help your wives, girlfriends, sisters, roommates. Nobody is going to want you if you're useless, especially if you dont financially compensate enough to be so useless.

It's exhausting hearing people use the "i'm not that smart" excuse as a justification for being useless or lazy. You're smart enough to go online, play video games and figure out how to use your phones. Therefore, I'm sure you're smart enough to figure out some basic shit like boiling 4 eggs and washing your dirty dishes within 24 hours and not a fucking week.

I’m glad my dad doesn’t care about gender role thing. He makes money, but when he’s at home, he does chores too. Cleaning up the aquarium, tending the garden, mop and sweep the floor. It’s like automatic to him. Cleaning should never be a gender thing. Even when you’re single, you should have the responsibility to keep things clean and tidy. Starting from your own bedroom. Cleaning is like taking shower, it’s basic necessity.

I say it again and again, some men can take a whole engine apart and put it back together again, but claim they don't know how a washing machine works. It's idiotic.

"they'll google how to build a deck or a whole ass pc" riiight? like these guys *will* learn to do it, if they wanted to - they just don't care.

Women initiate divorce proceedings more often than men. I wonder why?. Men who practice weaponized incompetence end up resentful of their husbands. Eventually, they surprise their husbands with a divorce. It's cheaper in the long run to just do some of the housework and childcare. I just told my husband he was wonderful because he never acted like this in the over thirty years we've been married.

One thing that sparked a dim light behind my exes eyes was when I told him TO PRETEND I WAS HIS BOSS ASKING HIM. It's EXHAUSTING. He seemed to grasp slightly how ridiculous it was. Didn't end up working, though. My new partner works in childcare- he does fun activities and changes kids diapers all day. He came over and did my whole family's dishes without even asking (while we were arguing actually- he was just killing time!). men who do 50/50 not only exist, but there are men who will voluntarily do more.

Divorce, babes, divorce.

been waiting for edvasian to cover this topic, it’s pretty insane how a lot of these guys managed to hook up with a woman, start a family with her, and then end up like this. at that point you start to question if they even love their partner, or even their life in general

"Relationships aren't supposed to be so transactional." Thank you! This is such a messed up way to treat someone you supposedly care about.

if you care for someone you help them, in a relationship you help eachother if the person who "loves" you, chooses to be incompetent, they love resting and being lazy more than you

My partner and I are 10 years together, he started using weaponised incompetence only about 2 years ago, which is very annoying, so you cannot predict whether your partner is useless from a get go. It takes fucking years of them being normal and helpful, and then, bam! I “forgot” how to do it. Despicable.

I look back often on my childhood and wonder if I weaponized incompetence as a kid even if unintentionally, or if it was just the opposite and it was trained into me. My dad does it, and I think my mom just got so fed up that she didn't let me do chores growing up because I'd "do it wrong", proceed to not teach me how to do it right, then insist I wasn't allowed in the kitchen, laundry room, etc. And it's not like I never tried as a kid, my mom liked to complain that I tried offering to help with chores all the time when I was little so why didn't I when I got older. I think I just got told no enough times as a kid till I just...stopped trying or learning how to because what was the point if I was just gonna get berated for it no matter what I did. Idk, my childhood was ripe full of simultaneously neglectful yet helicopter parenting and it still screws with me. For an example of this, I taught myself how to cook basic dishes when my parents weren't home so neither of them would stop me from using the stove at the age of 14-15ish. I slowly started leaving hints I'd used the kitchen and it took half a year easing my parents into it till they (mostly) didn't complain whenever I tried cooking. And even then they still didn't let me make my own food most of the time. It shouldn't have been that difficult to get one's parents to allow you to learn life skills.

"Ugh us guys are experiencing a loneliness epidemic no one wants to date us anymore😔🥺" *plays dumb so they can get away with playing video games all day and refuse to contribute anything of value to their partners and families* Nooo really? That's crazy- 🙃

NOT THE ARLECCHINO BUILD RESULT LMAO

"Divorce babe, divorce" wiser words have never been spoken

can you imagine your body literally tearing itself apart to release you and your partner's spawn and your partner not understanding why you're not excited to get back to cooking and cleaning?

If your partner complains about you "always saying Im gaslighting", thats all the red flags you need. They are even waving it in front of you, reminding you of how many red flags you have picked up on.

7:50 OMG ‘HOW TO BUILD ARLECCHINO’ IS ABOUT GENSHIN IMPACT, SHE WOULD HAVE JUST RELEASED SO PEOPLE WERE SEARCHING HOW TO MAX HER DAMAGE OUTPUT BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

i've lived with a dad who used this excuse for my entire life and it took my mother 33 years to finally leave him. if i am ever in a situation like that lady in the tiktok who caught covid and left the kitchen in that state, i am instantly divorcing my partner. there's no way i'm dealing with that bullshit for 33 years.

As a single person, this trend is terrifying.

talking from experience with my husband, men truly believe or make themselves believe that nothing women go through is as bad as what they go through. I just gave birth and I’m postpartum and I’ve been cooking and cleaning and taking care of all of our children, including the newborn all by myself while on two hours of sleep. and every time I tell him I’m exhausted, he starts comparing his eight hours of work to mine and saying that I don’t know how hard it is. I literally had my vagina ripped open. Not only am I physically fucking hurt, there’s also hormones that make me mentally unstable at the moment because I’m handling so much shit. I could literally lose a limb, and my husband would still think that he’s in more pain than me if he has the flu.

Women "Forgetting" how to have sex will solve a lot of those problems. "Oh honey, you are just so good at pleasing yourself, I don't want to try any more. I will just mess it up". Five minutes later husband suddenly knows how to mop, vacuum, and cook.

Yep. Every guy I dated knew how to keep things clean until the second they move in with me and then suddenly, things get dirtier the more they claim to clean it which made taking turns even more unfair.

That guy who demanded a roast from his wife, couldn’t he just order takeout? Or heat up one of those ready meals??? 🤨🤨

As teenagers, we (me and my lil bro) would try would try to pull this on my mom. She made us repeat the task as many times as necessary for us to get it right. “Practice makes perfect”. “See, did your hands fall off?”

Im glad my mom gave us chores. What a shitty husband leaving that bomb for his wife after being so sick. Shameful.

The “make a roast after giving birth” clip is why I’m dodging relationship like the plague. Some men don’t understand the gravity of pushing a grapefruit sized head out of a walnut shaped hole that spent hours trying to accommodate said grapefruit. Or getting sliced open like a choice cut to bring life into the world. A lot of women ain’t built like Ciara and can 1, 2 Step they way back to regular.

The effort it takes to do this more than just getting it done right the first time

How to tell your significant other you don't find them all that significant.

I do the majority of chores and have broke up with 3 girls over them gaslighting me into believing i "didn't do anything around the house" 1 of them I installed cameras in the main area and made a compilation of all the times they cleaned over the week. It was for a couple minutes. Now my house is always clean.

My soon to be ex-husband does this crap. It's not that uncommon. Not all, but most of the men I know are like this. It's flat-out narcissism.

I dated a guy like this when I was in my early 20s and oh so naive. He was in his 30s. Now I was naive but I was still a firm beliver in responsibility... I tell you the _offence_ that was taken when I told him he needed to book an appointment because of his obvious brain issues. Like my poor inocent self was actually worried, and we have some dementia in my family so I know how sensitive/angry people can get when you raise the question, so I keept pushing it. I really can not recommend this course of action enough. Like everytime they fuck up something completely basic like handwashing a glas, push for a neurological exam. Call a medical advice line in front of them to describe the symptoms. Like genuinly taking it seriously.. they have no defence. This or chicken racing them on how filthy you can live (only advice this if you don't share a lease and you are a complete animal. Don't let mold grow in _your_ kitchen. If it's his tho...)

Husbands have been doing this for centuries and it’s been known as weaponized incompetence for decades. But it’s good to see people talking about it more openly!

Its crazy how these men are okay with living in a hazardous environment not even thinking about their CHILD's health

I KNEW IT. I tell my husband this is the ULTIMATE conspiracy. All husbands are in on this, I am convinced.

“Learned helplessness” or “affected helplessness” is the death for me. I work in a care industry run by bosses who are very politically focused on (being seen) ‘helping the needy’ but have no real-life grasp of how needy anyone can be when they want you to do stuff for them for free. The helpless Bambi eyes and wobbly lips of full-ass-grown-adults who have successful jobs and kids and mortgages and yet somehow can’t handle sending an email or gathering basic documents to help themselves is terrifyingly prevalent.

I actually feel like a lot of our parents and parents parents had no idea what a happy healthy relationship looks like

My litmus test is whether someone says "can you do it for me, you're much better/smarter than me" instead of "can you explain to me/show me how to do it better so I can do it myself next time?". If it's the former, I nope tf out, no matter who asks.

Thankful for my mother-in-law who didnt let her son become like this!! He's so helpful!! We both struggle with extreme stress and low energy, but we both put in effort!!

it's so infuriating seeing ts happen with my own two eyes. my cousin's husband is always sitting on his ass doing nothing around the house while she does every single thing because "she's the one who knows about all those things". it sucks because i've always had this spite against him and she knows but i can't say anything about it because i really value my cousin and i's relationship. hell i've even tried to talk her out of marrying him but alas LOL.

Men can build house, go to war, and protect the house but not know how to use a dishwasher or mop???? BFFR 😂

My BF (now husband) used to try something like this he always "forgot" to do his housework so he would do it "tomorrow" and then he "forgot" again. Jokes on him I can handle the ultimate mess and ignore piles of trash the whole year if I want to, I don't even nag about it. I just started to clean things strictly for myself, like one plate for myself before eating. In the end he came to me and said that he really can't make me do anything, and he had tough things and came to the conclusion that unlike mom and dad I actually might leave him for this kind behaviour. At home he had a habit to trick his little brother to do more home chores and if that didn't work out parents would do it anyway. He realised that in the long run this kind of strategy wouldn't be really wise and we should be a team that takes care of our home. So he stopped totally and today I have a husband who does his share without problems. So my advice is (hopefully before children because I don't think that they should suffer from this) that don't do anything. If he washes dishes poorly then hi will eat from dirty plates. If he doesn't do his laundry then he is probably ok to use dirty clothes and smell bad. And if he only sees that you are the problem because you don't serve him it might be a good time to leave that relationship. And if he is completely happy around all the mess then you must think that are you okay with this kind of person whose "clean level" is different from you and make some kind of decision

This makes me SO grateful to have a husband who is supportive and respectful. We care about each other, have good manners, and value each other's comfort and wellbeing. It's a huge responsibility to have a good relationship. You can't be a shithead to your partner and expect to have a good relationship experience. Lol.

I used to use weaponized incompetence as a kid because I didn't wanna do chores, but my mom shot that down IMMEDIATELY with a "Guess you're gonna have to keep doing that till you get good at it"

My parents are like this and now that my dad retired and mum is still working the conflict gets bigger every day. And it's not just them, I see this type of relationship everywhere that even if I wasn't aromantic, I would probably still decide to stay single because ending up like this would be my worst nightmare especially with kids involved.

I'm 23, single, BUT I live in this kind of family. Ever since my three younger brothers got a bit older and are able to do any house chores, my stepfather does absolutely nothing saying that "they are old enough, they can do it". Fun fact, he never raised them to be independent (with this attitude, lol), and my mother always did every house chore herself, because it was easier than pestering my brothers to do it (and I worked overseas in the last 2 years, so couldn't help her at all). But now that I had to stay home due to having surgeries, I'm not willing to be a servant with my mother in my own family. I make my brothers clean the bathroom, the kitchen, and if they aren't doing a good job, I make them do it again. If it's not good enough the second time, I tell them to do it again and again. Another funny thing is that I had surgery (knee) the same day as my mother (shoulder surgery). We stayed in the hospital for one night and by the time we got home the next morning, all they had to say was "when will you cook?". Bro, you have a father, too, what did he do until we were in the hospital??

I didn’t expect Ed to be feeding us consistently over the past week. 🍜💅🏼

Relationships like this would make me refuse to be in a straight relationship 💀

as someone whose mom would NOT let anyone in the family get away with such dirty living spaces, this is so crazy to me 💀

This is exactly why my sons are learning basic human life skills: how to cook a basic meal, how to clean/what cleaning products to use where, how to perform basic household maintenance tasks like hanging a shelf and mowing the lawn, etc. And yes, I don't have daughters but if I did, they would learn these things too. I will NOT raise entitled boys. Household management is a team effort.

Alot of these men don’t realize how petty women can be. I know me as a wife, i would be petty to the nines if my husband used weaponized incompetence against me. Since he don’t know how to do anything, i guess i suddenly don’t either. We gonna be a bunch of helpless grownass adults who don’t know how to adult. And if he persists, i guess he’s gonna have to not know how to do anything all on his own after i serve him divorce papers. 💁🏾‍♀️

The tiny computer in the background is so cute ❤😊

My father is a master of this. Growing up, I NEVER saw him do ANY of the house chores eventhough everybody is equally busy with their own jobs because "he cant do it right" according to my mother. He was laid off at one point but all chores was still on me and my mother. Even carpentry or house maintenance was on us. The only time we had a man to help us was when his father visit us and he is always heaven sent. My father is a good person but that weaponized incompetence was fucking annoying.

Why would you treat someone who you're in a relationship worse than someone you hate. As someone whos been perpetually single, this baffles me.

my mum would literally pass out if she saw some of these houses in such a mess. now i truly understand why she always tells me to wash the plates and do basic housework. (i love her sm)

My ex used to freak out when I'd ask him to unload or load the dishwasher because it was "dumb" then he suddenly and for no reason got weird about laundry detergent and I told him if he wanted his clothes washed so specifically he could start washing his own clothes. After about six years of me making more money and still being expected to handle ALL the household work I peaced out when he physically threatened me. We were married 11 years.

HELP THE “how to build an arlecchino” SEARCH

I just told my dad this, everytime he “does the dishes” he really only opens the dishwasher gets 1/3 done then sits down and watches his show. You’d think he forgot about it the first time because he forgets stuff , but I alw see the dishwasher left open and dishes mixed up not done, and he never does it, my mom does. He asked me why don’t I do it but he and my mom works from home so I’ll come home to an open dishwasher dirty mixed up dishes and alw know who was here 2 hours ago. Then he says I should help out my mom by cooking more and cleaning the kitchen more but he leaves the kitchen a mess when he’s done. He said my mom got him and she knows he doesn’t want to do it. We all know..