The fact that you just taught me that schedules and routines are different. I'm a creature of habit and love my routine, but I have always hated schedules and never knew why I liked my routine but not schedules. This explains it.
Schedules give me anxiety. Routine helps me accomplish things. Having to put away dishes by 9am stresses me out, but knowing that I put away dishes while my coffee is being brewed, makes me feel accomplished as a multitasker. And both accomplish the goal of putting dishes away by 9am most of the time. The goal is to accomplish the task, not do the task by a certain time.
I do like the discipline versus punishment word choice. But to be honest I really decided to make a comment because your hair is absolutely gorgeous right now. Just thought you deserve the compliment
@@kine97"oh no, if it isn't the consequences of my own actions" is such a funny meme to me because it's true and deals with reality 'Consequences' is a pretty neutral word on its own, but it's easy to start feeling negative about it which is one of the issues with most words for learning discipline. I noticed by the time I finished high school I was really avoidant of taking risks or doing things with consequences, to the extent I stopped doing crafts or starting projects because I hated the idea of the mess I'd need to clean up afterward.
@@kine97 true! I used to be a lot more depressed and anxious (now it's mostly just pretty anxious) but I've learned a lot about the value of doing things for the sake of it. That makes me a lot more interested in doing things for their positive consequences instead of just avoiding negative consequences. I even did a sewing project yesterday :)
I use a consequence. If you show me I can trust, the consequence is being trusted to go out alone more. If you break a toy, the consequence is you now don't have that toy. Can be good or bad, depends on the situation.
The word discipline comes from the same word root word as disciple - meaning to learn. If the child is not learning anything, they're being punished. If they learn something, they are being disciplined. For some reason, this knowledge resulted in a huge shift in my teaching/classroomanagement. I'm so glad you brought it up
That phrasing just made that concept click for me! I'll add a sister concept in the form of a tiny flow chart: Is a child old enough to reason with? Yes > then reason with them No > then they won't know why you're yelling or punishing them
@@DreamtaleEnjoyerAnd reason with kinda depends upon when and how. Most kids and adults are unreasonable when in a middle of a tantrum. Sometimes having an actual conversation has to wait until emotions have been put back in check. (For me, that means leave me the hell alone until I've wrangled self control back.) Then are we using the right terms or explanation that match age and personality? Even as a kid, "because I said so" never held water for me. Do asking questions was frequently perceived as back talk. "Don't run too far ahead of me when we're walking down the street." A simple, "because I might get there fast to stop a bad thing from happening to you," would have made more sense to me than, "Because I'm your mother and you do what I say."
@@s.h.6858 Yes absolutely! No one can have a productive conversation while they're emotional. Honestly I think "because I said so" doesn't hold any water period. It's using unearned authority as a reason, instead of an actual reason-which either will not work (as with you or me) or worse, will teach children to obey any authority without question.
I’m not even close to being a parent, I’m a single college student but I just know I’ll remember your comment for a while. I wanna do right by my kids but I’m terrible at explaining things, this explanation was so perfect. An actual “rule” for me to not continue the cycle of poor parenting in my family, thank you
I love surprises versus secrets. Never had to deal with SA, but seen many children's books about it. They often distinguish between if a secret makes you feel good or bad and the bad ones you should definitively tell some grown ups you trust. Because the perpetrators in the books always call it "our little secret" or whatever. Calling the good ones surprises and your definition makes sooooo much sense though. It catches *all* of the bad secrets and not just one single specific thing.
Some perpetrators of SA will use "surprises" to get their victims to do what they want them to. Kids need to be taught good surprises vs bad surprises as well as understanding when someone is trying to get you to do something that they want you to keep a secret. The world is a dangerous place.
With my kids, I've always called it "Natural Consequences." It has to be something that turns their behavior into an understandable action and how it affects everyone, including themselves. Never something done out of our own anger, frustration, loss of self control, or in the heat of the moment.
In my book I define natural consequences and actionable consequences. Natural - you played with a toy the wrong way and it broke. Now you don’t have the toy. Actionable - you are playing with the toy and if you keep doing that it will break. Make a different choice or I will have to take it away before it gets broken. Both are valid and effective.
I work with stubborn adults. Natural consequences are my favorite. They might not listen to me the first time, but they might learn from the natural consequence and listen to me the next time. 😂
@@pleasantpeasantmediaI love this explanation. While I do believe natural consequences work most of the time, there are many situations where the "natural consequence" could be extremely dangerous. Like your kid playing in the road, or playing with knives. At that point a natural consequence could be very dangerous, so having actionable consequences for breaking rules or boundaries is much more effective
We use the word “consequence”. Sometimes an action has a natural consequence, and we discuss that. And sometimes doing something wrong deserves an additional consequence. Often I will ask my kid what consequence he thinks his actions deserves. Then we discuss it and decide on one. (To be clear, he doesn’t choose his consequences and we don’t decide together or compromise on a consequence, but I take his input into consideration. The consequence he thinks he deserves can give me a lot of insight in to how he feels about what he did, if he’s remorseful, if he understands what he did wrong, or if he thinks it’s no big deal and needs more reinforcement.)
For me as well, as an adult, I've found changing "should" to "could' very helpful for mitigating being mean to myself for not doing things. I have a chronic illness so I often feel that I should be doing xyz instead of lazing around, when really I *could* be doing xyz but am *choosing* not to over exert myself and bring on a crash. I'm not lazy, I need rest to heal and recover.
Should/could is like the difference between want and need. Too many of us forget there *is* a difference. With the chronic illness, I frequently have to remind myself that not everything has to be "right now." And it's okay to do things in small batches.
In the dictionary it so frustrating when you read about discipline and punishment. It gives you the definition for discipline then puts a period at the end of the sentence. Then it gives you the definition for punishment as if it's the same thing. You look up punishment further on and only get the second sentence. The example for discipline in a sentence is self-discipline. It is logic and consequences to lead to positive decision making, followed by the continuous application of said positive decision.
Me too, simply put discipline teaches kids the ropes of life where as punishment does not and only gives them a low self-esteem belief later in life that if they make a simple mistake, that they’re unworthy and deserve nothing which isn’t necessarily the case People of all ages make mistakes and wrong choices, it’s part of being human and growing even as an adult
Punishment side effects can be but not limited to - becoming better liar - hiding evidence - you're getting attention, not the kind you really want or deserve, yet you are being seen. - you become numb to the situation and the world - a lot of bad things can happen - you learn punishment, not why
In my mind the discipline and punishment concepts are kinda reversed. “Punishment” is rightful, I did something I shouldn’t have and am getting consequences for those actions. “Discipline” isn’t rightful, it is moreover unnecessary and is simply done for the sake of showing who’s boss. Edit: Mrs. Trunchbull uses Discipline, Unnamed Parent Character from Classic Childhood Media uses punishment.
I love this! End goal in mind, timing adaptable....schedules imply it HAS to be done this way, by this time...a game plan focuses on the goal, not getting stuck on the timing of the individual steps❤❤
@@carlyncook1211 And the flexibility it has. Because some tasks become less important depending on circumstances. Or become mute when your plumbing backs up on laundry day. Laundry was not done.
So, I'm in early pregnancy, and am estranged from some of my family, willfully gone low contact with the rest, considering no contact with a handful. Lots of fun reasons that has kept my therapist in business! I cant lie, your content is helping me feel like I have a shot at doing better than them. Definitely plan on buying your book, too :)
Surprises should also be something that everyone will be excited by or enjoy when they're revealed. If it's not something good for them to find out then it might be a secret instead and they should tell a trusted grown up.
Making good choices, consequences, surprises and routines are all words I’ve used throughout both my children’s lives and I continue to use as a teaching assistant at work. They not only help children to make sense of situations but to find they also keep me calmer and regulated.
We do all these in my house as well. The secrets one was an issue between my son and his dad. His dad would say "don't tell your mom" then he'd come home to me all stressed out and worried. He had a few weeks in counseling where they talked about secrets vs surprises. Now that's a very serious concept we have. We never keep secrets because those can hurt us.
I have watched you for a long time - all the way in New Zealand... Not only do I find you hilarious, and Abby is fantastic ... You have really helped me change my mindset!... AMAZING
The secret ine is soooooo important for kids safety! I have always told my kids, if anyone ever tellss you to keep a secret from mom and dad, you tell us rr away!
That's so true:words we use matter. The words we choose affect how we feel about things. Thank you for putting into words what I needed to be able to say to people.
My therapist really helped me reframe how I look at my depression and lack of motivation. He said to focus on discipline instead of motivation and that has really helped me.
Big hugs love your videos, as you are helping me to know that I don't have to punish myself for participating in things when I did something that did not turn out like what people wanted. Thank you sweetie ❤.
I started reading your book on vacation this week and it made me cry. I grew up in such a chaotic environment that I don’t know how to be a calm mom. You’re helping me break the cycle. Thank you for sharing your wisdom. You are an angel.
This is so true! I first learned the importance of how I talk about things, years ago. In a support group called Recovery International. It's effective, free, and has helped me (and my kids) so much! 💙💙
Words really do make such a difference. Like when I was little my mom would tell me to pick my crap off of my bedroom floor and it hurt my feelings a lot because it made me feel like my things didn't matter when too me I really cared about them.
I really love that you illustrated this! It’s a real thing that word choice, tone and perspective matter - it can be hard to, but reframing those help a lot in the long run. It’s good to have examples like this 😊
Secrets are so often dangerous. Not having them really is a good thing. When I think of secrets I think, abuse, affairs, lies, crimes. Things that can harm (me or others).
Just wanted to say I really like this! The ideas are spot on, and I really like how the graphics were done. Using the right words really makes a difference!
I totally agree with you that it's all about words and what you say and kids take everything you say to heart. For instance my son is now going to be 29 this year but I refused while he was growing up to allow anybody to tell him that he was bad or to be good. Whenever they would say be good I would say he's always good he just sometimes doesn't follow the rules. I also would not allow anybody to tell my son that he should go to college for me it wasn't a choice he goes to college the same way he went to kindergarten and high school and middle school he'll go to college. And today he's a psychiatrist and he's married to a psychiatrist he's a terrific human being and he has great self-esteem.
This is an awesome illustration of the power we give words. I have long distinguished between "punishment" vs. "discipline" where punishment is a power play and discipline is a neutral application of the consequences of an action or behavior. A personal example is when my son was about six there was a huge custody battle going on and he was upset. He broke a toy in frustration badly enough that it wasnt fixable. He brought it to me to fix. I explained it was beyond repair and had to be thrown out. He was upset of course but understood. I made him put it in the garbage himself (since i wasn't the one who broke it) as the consequence of his action. He cried, but did as he was told. This may sound harsh, but it taught him discipline and he never broke another toy. He learned the lesson that actions have consequences and i wasn't the reason he no longer had that toy, he was. If I had taken and tossed the toy, he would have learned only that I was mean and had the power to take something he valued from him.
also for schedules I always think of the opening scene of Leverage (a heist show) talking about plan a and b and one that's actually m because of one minute detail...
I've learned so much from your videos and I'm not a parent! I have 9 nieces and nephews as well as interacting with kids everyday at my job (I work at a toy store) I use some techniques not only on kids but adults (it's unbelievable how well it works!) 🎉❤ I do recommend your videos to a lot of people as well.
When my children were growing up i never said "do you need help" , i asked "do you want help" or "may i help you with that" . It takes away the stigma that getting help means you are weak, and it acknowledges that everybody can use help sometimes and that it's ok!
YES. I love this. I already did surprises and discipline (I call it limits with empathy because I had to do research and really LEARN how to do this. I'm still learning).
I’m so happy to have found your channel before I have kids. I don’t want to raise them how my dad raised me and hopefully learning now I can start to remember and use in day to day life so I can be a better mom in a few years😄
I love this. I try to do something similar with my students (I'm a swim teacher). The big thing I to shift with my students is when they say, "I'm not good at this," when there is frustration involved with a specific skill they struggle with. I tell them, "Well, good thing you're here with me! Im here to help you improve. Also, you're not bad at it. You're still learning. I dont expect you to be perfect. If you try your best, that's all that matters." Now I just need to take my own advice with things 😅
I like to use the term "guidance" more than either "punishment" or "discipline". The word "discipline" has acquired some unpleasant connotations, despite other positive associations such as "academic disciplines". When I was doing Parent Education, or later working with people who were referred by CPS, I tried to shift the whole conversation to "guidance" because the word discipline had rooted into their minds in unhelpful ways. Consequences, especially logical and natural, I agree is helpful. Not saving children from the natural consequences of their choices, e.g. they can't go on the field trip because they didn't finish their project, is very efficient.
I work with kids 6 and under and we use the terms "good secrets" and "bad secrets". I can see arguments for using either your version or this version. Both have advantages.
This is so helpful! As someone who was a child of a home that punished (accidents and not knowing better being met with *physical repercussions*) and called it “discipline” simply because they didn’t like the other word, I like actually having separate definitions. I would much rather teach and guide my kids than hurt them and make them eat cayenne.
Love your content! You just humanise the human experience and giving permission to simply be human. Yes, no punishment but disiciplene. Honestly, one of my favourite creators atm.
Works for our family as well!! I don’t do punishments or rewards but we do have celebrations and even the occasional bribe for when extreme shit is happening😅 There is also ALWAYS the ability to repeal any of my executive decisions/non-negotiables and show proof that warrants a change in consequences and why-maybe they feel that the consequences are not logical or that I decided on them while my emotions were out of control. If they prove it-and they often do-sometimes the entire case is dismissed. I make lots of mistakes and invite my kiddos to call me on them because I want to be better. It’s showing them respect and communication and how to fight fair while advocating for themselves!! 🙃
I’m a teacher and I’m definitely going to try shifting my language like this next year. Hopefully, it’ll help everyone! If you have more examples, PLEASE share! We love you, Gwenna!
Surprises are good. Something’s are also private, so we’ll tell them what is a private matter, but that one’s tricky to advise, because people can always twist it into something bad.
Inflection can have a huge influence as well. The first thing I did in my gentle parenting journey was just inflecting up at the end of my sentences when I was frustrated. It softened what I was saying just enough that my kids responses were totally different! It was the same words, same message, but completely different energy! There was no question in my mind at that point that gentle parenting worked, and changing your language like this is such an easy step (if you want to).
We also have no secrets in our house but do have surprises. I love that you recognize the danger in secrets. The important part of using the word consequences tho is making sure you use the word in other situations so they understand the actual meaning of the word consequences. I tried to tell my foster kids that consequences were not the same as punishments and tried to explain the meanings of the words but they refused to believe me that they weren’t synonymous. It will mean the same thing to them if you only use it for discipline conversations.
I hope you’re still making content when I have kids❤ I come from a very tough “love” family (abuşive) so seeing your content makes me feel a lot better about bringing kids into the worls
I agree the words we use do matter, especially when teaching our kids. We utilize several of these but the one that I think is most important (especially for kids in school or attending activities around other adults) is the secrets one. The last thing we want is for our children to be taken advantage of by keeping secrets an adult told them to keep, especially if they are dangerous secrets. We tell them all the time that they can share anything and everything with us, because we won’t be mad at them - we just want to help them if they need help. We have surprises in our home instead of secrets, and that is how we help them understand the difference. We also explain how not liking someone’s hairstyle (for instance) isn’t a ‘secret’ we keep to ourselves, but it is our ‘opinion’ that we keep to ourselves especially if no one asked our opinion. And if they did ask our opinion, we can be honest in a kind way and think of the other person’s opinions and feelings.
We talk about word choice in alternative dispute resolution too. Sometimes a single word choice can make a world of difference to the outcome of a situation
I prefer schedule over routine cuz routine is a set path of the day that you have practiced and remember through muscle memory. A schedule is more of an instructional path laid out.
