Most times expectations and reality are waaaaay different. We grow as women but men do not always realize this and they will complain about how much we have changed!!! Both party needs to understand that change can be good for the relationship. I'm married 5 years now and I do see the changes but so far nothing that I didn't expect.
Honestly i feel many can have a moment of disillusionment in any case especially if expectations are involved. When I have encountered disillusionment in a past relationship it was due to excitement on their part which I felt he needed to make himself seem better than who he was and and exaggerated facts. Example I'm a great cook. Translated to I can only make eggs, or I just take life as it comes to translate into he didnt know how to plan ahead.. in the we did not work out. Ultimately in my experience disillusionment is the result of either lying, exaggerating, or expectations. To avoid it best i can be clear and honest and demand same in return. 🤔🤔🤗🤷♀️🤷♀️
Yessss, disillusionment & disassociation (at some point), almost like an outer body experience...when you sit back & ask yourself....what happened, how did we get to this point & is it worth it? We went from arguing externally to internally, which sent us both into shut down mode....minimum to very little conversations, to doing more things separately than as a couple, like we were living two different lives under one roof. Somewhere down the line, we started talking (really talking) & discovered, we were completely different people from when we met as teenagers, 25yrs ago....I had a Melissa moment & stopped going with the flow just to keep things comfortable & started speaking my mind, no suga coating to make everyone else feel good by down playing what I really felt...great episode!! #15yrsMarried
Yup that's why I'm so disappointed with my marriage now. I just had all these expectations and I didn't educate my husband as we went along. Him and I talked about what we expected but for me it never came true lol. Everything I expected was completely different! How I got married, my pregnancy experiences, living arrangements, finances, aspirations and dreams were not good and I had to stifle it so I didnt sound negative or ungrateful.
Girl, me too. I like being prepared when I can and having information available that can be helpful. Being proactive is so much better than being reactive in situations like this
Single person here, and LOVING all the wisdom and info from the Love Hour. My love for couple relationships and counseling is just being fed so well 🥰. I missed yall hosting together, glad to have you back Kev!
If you haven’t experienced disillusionment in your marriage that is fantastic! That means you & your spouse were able to communicate your expectations effectively and have them met without hiccup. That is a huge feat! Congrats to you!!
What Kev said is DEEP... people are staying in marriages like they're staying in JOBS and career fields!!!! Staying because it's comfortable, it's all they know, and (like Melissa said), the MONEY!!! Whew, chile!!
These episodes and serie SHOULD be curriculum inside of pre marital counseling. Like wow. Thanks for sharing. Real talk is needed in marriages. Keep them coming please.
Just text and be like, "babe, there's something I want us to watch... it's really interesting" lol... I texted my husband not necessarily because we needed it, but there were something really interesting things I wanted to hear his thoughts on (I don't necessarily agree with all the research, so I want to hear what he thinks lol)
I just text them to my husband and later ask if he watched. If he did I ask follow up questions. Mainly starting with where did he see Me & what things I can work on . So he doesn't feel like I'm trying to fix him.
I agree with Kev that this is helping us singles. I am a faithful watcher because I love y’all, but also because I think it will be helpful when I become involved.
Oh yes Melissa disillusionment happens in most things a job, a marriage, parenthood, etc. I have been married 10yrs and I have gone from the fairy tale to the reality of who my husband is and who I am. The best song to explain this is Anita Baker's song "Fairytales" it talks about the fairy tales us women are told and how we get into the reality of arguing and loving someone. Really being married. I have learned to love my husband for who he is and to have a voice in my marriage. I have learned to not be in the shadow of husband and kids, but to be a full adult woman with my own hopes and dreams. The disillusionment had to happen so I could come into the real me as a woman, a wife, and mother. I thank God for this stage of my marriage because it helped me be better and feel better.
Ok so “screaming out loud” lol WHY did I grow up in an era where you betnot be telling folks outside the house your business.... Kev that’s why this wasn’t around for us married folks back then.. 🤦🏾♀️ Thank You Love Hour ❤️❤️
AGREED about how important The Love Hour is!!! That is why counseling and self-awareness is sooooo important before marriage!!! That's what I often tell people... when I learned ME, that's exactly when my husband found me!! Such a BLESSING!!! Keep doing what y'all do!!!
I could not agree with you more! Of course we did not do counseling. Hubby and I discussed that we were too immature to even listen to premarital counseling. Who knows??? Thankfully God watched over us and saved us from our foolishness.
I’ve been married almost 15 year and we still sometime avoid the argument. And Disillusionment is so real. I tell people all the time the things I loved the most about my husband are the same things I dislike about him. I mean I still love them juts when I like them I know so selfish 🤦🏽♀️🤷🏽♀️
I think a good dating/courtship goes through many of these phases. An honest dating/courtship should let you know that there are things you do NOT like/love about your future spouse (we are human lol). BUT, the beauty of it is that the things you dislike are not the most important things... your love for them is HEIGHTENED and the other things are minimized. That's one of the most amazing things about marriage to me.
Yea I'm in a courtship now and I can totally relate to these phases. We've been courting for almost two years now, we went through the honeymoon phase, then we started disagreeing so much which was due to fraustrations caused by disillusionment. That brought alot to the surface but we were open to have some of those hard questions and we have been working through. So I've seen some ugly parts and he has too, but we still committed. I appreciate his level of commitment to work through. I think we're in an honeymoon phase again looool
Appreciate this episode. One thing I would like to hear in the podcast the difference between being a believer and not. The purpose of marriage is much different Biblically vs. Western culture
This was so good! Especially when they were talking about people getting divorced after the kids are gone. This is why it is so dangerous to put the kids before your marriage. Kids are only kids for a short period of time. They become more independent with each passing year and then eventually they're out of the house. Your spouse is the one who is there forever. Put eachother first and then together as a solid union love and raise your children 🙌
Screaming in silence... whew! Also interesting (lol... that's my word for today's episode haha). I have a challenge with people not finding ways to communicate... figuring out how to get those internal thoughts out of your head - without arguing!!! It's difficult, but necessary.
You're telling the truth! I've been married for over 20 years and my husband and I listened to this show and we were laughing so hard because we remember going through all those stages.😁
TY Melissa for listening and not interrupting Kev as often!!!! This was a very pleasant episode to hear both you and Kev. It truly makes for a better podcast when you both provide the time and space to speak your thoughts without talking over each other. You both share your diverse childhood experiences that being able to hear your histories is heartwarming. FYI, Melissa I like your term, "internal operating system". However, a simpler term is learned behavior. We really do learn verbal and non-verbal behaviors in our childhood that play out in relationships. The verbal/non-verbal behaviors learned have expectations in the outcome anticipated, whether those expectations are real or imagined.
50:52-51:22 "Exposed need" Soooo good!! 👏🏽 THIS podcast is what is keeping me and my now married 10 years 🙌🏾🍾🥂 husband (with 2 kids) from going down that path..by having convos & putting in work to adjust as needed. So GREAT! Thank you two! Feeling blessed & empowered!
50:15 blew my mind. Why people divorce after the kids leave the nest!! You guys expressed this perfectly. We have been married for 23 years and have a great marriage, but I will be working harder now to ensure we keep things popping!!
12 minutes into this video and I'm like wow - I've never heard Melissa talk about what she liked about Kev in this way. Like I knew she loved/loves him of course, but this is so sweet to hear.
The scariest thing for me entering into marriage is knowing that the other person can walk away and or choose not to work on being better together. Yes, I know, trust God - choose wisely - but still - the unknown.
10 years is high risk wow!!!! My husband and I began dating when I was 15 and now I'm 39 and we been married for 19 years. My marriage is built on the foundation of trust and our Christian belief. When I tell people how long I been married they be genuinely surprised.
@@MrsKevOnStage very similar. My husband and I grew up in church specifically PAW like Kev. We been together as a couple for 24 years and we also have two children. I believe because of our similarities is why I connect with you both. May God continue to bless your marriage, life and entrepreneurship.
This episode spoke to me. Literally some of the scenarios had just happened this week! I’m 8 years married and wow this past year has definitely been the hardest one yet!!
Thank you for this impartation MrsKevOnStage. This truly bless my soul. This was eye opening and very thought provoking. Because of this segment I am going to have to have some conversations with people that I have being low key avoiding. So thank you for this open and honest dialogue!
You guys have been such a light . My husband and I have been watching and it’s crazy the similarities I have with Melissa and similarities and scenarios you guys have gone through and growed through your marriage . We are loving the episodes they have been very helpful in our marriage . Hmmm will come back about my thoughts on disillusionment.
I’m right there with you with disillusionment. I feel like my husband and I have been through the disillusionment stage several times over our 20 years (this December) marriage. I feel like the majority of my relationships before I got married was me stuck in disillusionment; never really seeing things with clear eyes. Always just lost in my head with the’ “he don’t love me cause this’ that and a third....or I’ll never be enough because of this or that”. Which was the death of possibly some great relationships; leaving me empty and probably effecting those men mental health. Now, or then bringing all of that to my marriage in the early years and really just feeling like my husband and I just now able to move from (in the last four years) disillusionment. This show was a whole word. My husband and I just started a youtube channel (The Love Intervention) based on a ministry we had at out church. I pray that we are able to bless people the way your show has bless me and my husband’s relationship. God Bless
OM goodness totally freaking out. 😍😍😍🤩🤩🤩🤗🤗🤗 The Queen herself. I'm honored. May God continue to Bless you bc Lord knows you continually Bless us. Forever a fan #HumbleWitness
Just went through a whole cleanse this spring/summer, re-evaluating my relationships with friends, siblings, and parents. Basically all are gone except a handful cause I grew tired of pretending and tolerating. I need people who contribute to who I'm trying to be, not hold me back or change in a negative way. It's still tough for me even after all that. Love them but need to love myself too.
I get a lot of flack for bringing my husband his plate but I’ve done it for both my parents my WHOLE life and now do it for him because it is who I am. I believe it’s important to believe the old time saying there’s “different strokes for different folks”. I don’t mind and actually enjoy bringing his plate but you know what I don’t like BRINGING IN GROCERIES!!! And guess who does that EVERY TIME I come back from the store...my husband. I say all that to say I believe our best bet as people in rships is to realize these are OUR rships and just because it doesn’t look like someone else’s doesn’t mean it’s wrong or not working. If it’s works for you and fulfills you and you and your partner are having the important conversations then close the ranks and continue to work together. What we don’t want to do is create dynamics we secretly hate and are not vocalized or attempt to change our partner to meet our needs if in ways they’ve told us time and time again that is NOT who they are. Have the tough talks now....do what ever is possible to build stronger bonds NOW...by doing so you may come together and continue on together happier than you were or get vital information you need to make the choice to move on alone.
Great topic very useful for everyone in any stage single, in a relationship, or married. Helps to see what's realistic and being aligned with your significant other.
Listen Kev you that is my testimony!!! My husband and we're just sinking and swimming through the marriage and we still floating looking down trying to figure it out!
I really enjoyed this! My husband and I have been married for almost 17 years and we've definitely experienced disillusionment, especially at the beginning.
I saw this all the time Kevin. I wish this podcast was here for my last relationship. Maybe it would’ve worked out. There was a lot of stuff I expected him to know that I didn’t know. Thank you too so much❤️❤️❤️
Oh my goodness Melissa & Kevin!!!! The statements y'all made @56:28 mark just confirmed the idea I have been sitting on for a series of discussions on my channel! Not only is this important, it is a passionate topic of mines! Thank you guys! ❤🖤
Words of Affirmation person here!!! I think I sometimes seek it from others (or give it to myself lol), and I think my husband does EXACTLY what Melissa said... I think he sometimes shuts down the affirmations he WOULD give because I seek it from others (or they give it) or I beat him to the punch in giving it to myself LOL. When you know what your spouse needs, you should do all you can to give it... I always strive to do it for my husband (he's an Acts of Service man) to ensure that I am fully aligned with and supportive of what he needs!!
I'm 21, not married and don't have kids. I am in a relationship. But this week I've been watching a bunch of videos about how being a mom is insufferably hard and marriage is trash sometimes and now I don't even know if I want to do either 😩
My feet are ALWAYS cold (my husband makes them WARM hahahah... he hates my frozen toes, but oh well lol). I need my GOOD pillow... gonna have to take the cold feet hahaha
EVERYTHING SAID has happened/is happening in my current 2 year long relationship. Here’s the caveat - we’re not even married. Now that I have this wisdom, do I stay and work it out or do I move along?
This was a great episode. Long marriages don’t impress me at all. Watching someone be unhappy and do a bid(30+) isn’t fun at all. Are they happily married?
I remember Kevs story of disillusionment and unrealistic expectations way back when he (I'm lol'ing right now🤣) waited for Lis to come home from work drenched in baby oil and she was hecka late and it all dried up and he was baffled that the sex did not happen. 😂😂😂Im dying💀 But yeah those kinds of things is not in real life. But OH he THOUGHT!!!!😂😂😂 Sidenote: You guys should invite your parents on as guests. Kevs parents perspective of 30-40+years in and the divorce perspective. Love this show and you guys.
I will make hubby’s plate at parties only when he is drinking and too busy to eat. He does that for me as well. We just have each other’s back and we can tell when things could go left. 👀👀👀
The disillusionment phase is very interesting!! Going to keep listening, but not sure I fully agree lol (leave it to me to disagree with all the research lol)
