Therapist's Reacts to "Keeping People at Arm's Length" 

Everything your feeling is natural and it sounds like your handling it better than a lot of people, thanks to your self awareness. Stay strong, brother.

@@ryanroache3042 Thanks man! I'm trying really hard to move forward and posit change and I hope that Dr. K's advice in relationship to my post helps other people 💪

Thats mature bro, massive props

I would like to ask if you are religious yourself or if this was a mixed faith relationship, because personally if someone would put what is in my eyes a fantasy book and a fictional character over me in a relationship that would be a huge red flag. I can't date religious girls, which is frustrating because non-religious girls on the other hand tend to have very loose morals... Like, you can have good morals without religion people...

@@legoboy-ox2kx mixed relationship. I'm agnostic. I set the boundaries up front before we got serious That i wouldn't adopt her faith but I would always accept it and support her in her path whichever way I could. Tbh her religion didn't bleed into our relationship too often.

Ya know twitch could immpliment a "Delay Function" that schedules the donations to appear at a later time during streaming (15, 30, 60 minutes). I think this would be helpful for a variety of channels when they need space to think.

@@phillystevesteak6982 If it's donations, it's not Twitch, it's probably StreamLabs, and I'm fairly sure they have a feature to delay alerts.

@@atlasdev Hopefully dr.k can figure that out with his boomer brain x)

@@phillystevesteak6982 I wouldn't know, I just admire his complete commitment to his aoe healing. Other streamers usually stop what they are doing and thank the donator to encourage donations, but dr K really shows what he truly finds most important about streaming. Truly a stemlord that needs his wife with her business degree, else he would just give everything away.

That cracked me up big time

That what he did for me aswell.

Hey um could you possibly let me know more about Dr K teaching us meditation that you're referring to. I want to start and I also want to know how you go about it and your journey

@@Andrew-wy9qy there are a few videos you can find if you go to the playlist or type in “doctor k mediation”. I found that keeping your back straight is very important. The environment can also be useful depending on the type of mediation you’re doing. I typically go to the woods and do an assortment of techniques he has on the ends of his streams but I started with the ego mediation, the breathing technique one with the two last fingers and thumb, and a focus based one where you put your hands on your face in a particular way. The sound meditation one taught me awareness and there is also one in the Amazon vp episode about fear of death where you stare at a candle. I’m not sure what the actual names are for these but they’re all great starting techniques if you can find them sprinkled through his channel. The focus one is a great precursor to start the staring one. The important thing I’ve learned with meditating is doing just enough with your body to distract your mind so you can just sit with your consciousness. I’m no expert by any means, but a month of mediating daily has given me some keen insights on myself and my habits including poor posture, addictions to various things, my ego’s defensive characteristics, as well as my understanding of fulfillment. You just have to be patient With yourself and release expectations. Expecting mediation to do something for you is like a sound in your mind that reverberates when you’re trying to empty the sounds in mindful meditation. There are forms of mediation he’s talked about where you are in fact not exactly just clearing your mind but I haven’t tried those yet. Focusing on breathing and sound while implanting stuff with your hands really goes long way. Hope this helps!

I think he has good intentions but I don't think his advice really works effectively. He speaks about men having to express emotions fully and he treats as if men and women are the same. Woman are emotional beings and men are logical. If you are waiting logical reasons you may have to wait longer. You should understand what she needs and not attend to everything she says. Being less reactive and being in control will set up a good relationship. If you try to "save it" too much is when it actually gets worse, the less you try to save it the more you do. As a man you should represent stability and being an unmovable force and leader. She may feel vulnerable towards you but you should not do the same. Set necessary boundaries for her so that she can respect you. If you slack your boundaries over time that's when she starts to lose interest because you are no longer respectable

"In the end" as if your life is over. You still have time mate.

@@codeman3639 I get your advice. Definitely not what someone wants to hear when going through something traumatic though

@@michaeldayao1512 atm it's more about what you need to hear

@@tushargupta4262 yeah you don’t get it either lol

@@michaeldayao1512 you just don't want to hear the truth. That's all

Just take this information as a way to look out for red flags in a relationship. So when you do meet somebody you know what to look out for.

I was more thinking about the ideas that Dr K suggests of constantly communicating and feeling each other out. Maybe I'm taking the wrong thing from it, but Dr. K makes it sound exhausting. The one relationship I was in, I ran myself ragged trying to think about what she was feeling constantly, and maybe I was too clingy because of it because it didn't last long.

@@wanderingrandomer like all things in life, it's a balancing act. You can't let them absorb all your thoughts, but don't let it swing too far the other way into neglect. Sometimes you just gotta be up front & willing to talk about it.

They are the best of times and they are the worst of times, got to be prepared for that dive.

All the best things in life are uncomfortable/scary going in. Doesn't mean you shouldn't do it. Said as someone who does exactly what I'm advocating not to do not only with relationships but life in general, but hey at least on a conscious level I know to do what I say not what I do.

What happened bro? Would u guys reconcile?

@@moonknight4053 It’s been almost a month and while I can say this is challenging, hurts, and is not easy. There is actually a lot better out there and being single isn’t as bad as I initially took it.

"I'm cheating on you with GOD!"

Cucked by Allah lmao

"I can't be engaged with you because I love you too much". Typical

Don't think this is true, people can & do leave relationships to focus on themselves, their goals, or their beliefs. There isn't always an underlying "actual reason" and this just breeds further trust issues and cynicism imo. I don't think it's wise to read in between the lines in these situations.

@Cidney Lysander 🤣🤣🤣🤣

idk if you believe in it its one of the most efficient way of going through life, it ain't for me but it works for some people

@@Yellow.1844 Well just like anything, things work for some people and not for others. I was raised fairly strictly Christian since birth until I was an adult. Now I'm a depressed 22 year old with constant suicidal thoughts and no hope for the future. It didn't work for me at all or make anything better, even though that was kind of the whole point.

@@mofire5674 lol im exactly the same, raised religious, aint no more now but also very empty, I dont think it caused it for me, sometimes im jealous of people that believe in something, just nothing motivates me, I do the bare minimum to survive and thats about it

@@mofire5674 I was taught about Christianity from birth, but it was never strict or forced on me. I think that's the difference maker here.

@@mofire5674 "the point" of Christianity is not & never was to cure your depression & make your life easy. Those might've been your own false expectations, but that's never been a reality for a n y religion. I'm in my mid 20s & suffer from chronic depression, & have a sound grasp on my beliefs in Christianity. I'm sorry if the Church hurt you in any way or made your depression worse, but religion is never a solution to depression, & just because you're depressed doesn't mean you can't have any kind of faith or belief. Hope you don't feel like I'm attacking you, as that was never my intention. Just trying to shed light on misconception. Best of luck going forward. I really suggest just putting your nose to the ground & developing a valuable life skill. When you have even something small to contribute to the world, it can make living with chronic depression less of a burden. The idle mind festers. Keeping yourself busy (especially doing something valuable for yourself or others) is beneficial. It obviously won't cure you, but learning to function with depression is vital to living your life to the fullest. 🙏

Agree, so many of us have CPTSD that we need to heal from. Narcs and other cluster B disordered individuals destroy their child's or children's confidence, condition them into not having boundaries and make them think they are fundamentally bad people from a very early age... besides the trauma related defenses Dr. K mentioned we develop. Narcissistic abuse is terrible and hopefully this person can fully heal from it.

I agree, you should never underestimate how damaging that is. In my case it was accompanied by verbal, sometimes physical abuse, but a lot of emotional manipulation altogether. But even without that, having a narcisstic parent who you have to appease every second to prevent them having a meltdown and where every interaction is walking on ice, it can leave damage to you for years in every interaction you have with people. Trusting ppl is hard when everyone you know, even your own family, had abandoned you in the past and subsequently were stuck with an abusive parent. If you experience that any naivety or innocence as a kid dissapears and you rlly become untrustworthy of so many around you.

@@GuineaPigEveryday went through it and lived! It’s tough, very very tough

not always true

@@TheDrunkinBear I think if a person later in life surrounds themself in a supportive environment of people who reinforce healthy attachment and security, that can be significantly helpful in healing and unlearning negative conditioning too. Though that is not very common because those with the wounds often get stuck in patterns and seek what feels normal (emotional abuse). Therapists can bring awareness to those patterns and help reinforce healing in a faster time period

having a degree of self reliance is good for any healthy adult, but it's also normal to seek support from a partner as long as you don't need more than they can actually give

"our protagonist" lmaooo

>I don't "THINK" I'll be "ABLE" to open up "AT ALL" Don't think, do. Doing something, even 'poorly', means you ARE able to do it (and even a little bit negates "at all"). You can't rely on the safety of certainty of not trying keep you from risking getting the good ending. Therapists are there to listen non-judgementally. They're not your friends or family, they don't "KNOW" you, so don't use the same boundaries that you use to protect yourself from others. A therapist cannot hurt you the same way you let others keep hurting you.

Idk if you know this or bot but Dr. K also has a video on "How to open up to others". That may help you.

Maybe try writing everything down first. Create an outline, fill it up with paragraphs on stuff you want to talk about, and say whats in it to yourself out loud. This way, at least you would have a more rehearsed and organized approach and would be less likely to be too nervous or skip something important when talking with a therapist.

i hate to be that guy but dont get back together with her man glad ur doing ok

@@Dabs_4_Dayz yeah, never forgive or get back w a liar and cheater.

@@Dabs_4_Dayz yeah but what about the kid...

@Benjamin Allison that's true i guess

@@Dabs_4_Dayz Yeah I know I shouldn't. It's been a rough ride and I always wanted a family home as my parents split when I was young too, and I think thats what I miss. But she ruined it. I have been on meds since but alot better than I was a few years ago. I still find myself helping her because she is my sons mother but I don't really trust her.

This is pretty common, but it can be difficult to navigate. A good medical provider would understand and help arrange that or refer you to someone more suited to your needs, but often people in the medical profession can have a pretty big ego and take it poorly even though they shouldn't. At the end of the day, it's your life, and your treatment. If you aren't happy but really just can't face it, you have the option to ghost and then get a referral to a psychologist through your GP instead. I know it's kinda shitty, but if it's between that and not ever moving forward, this is by far the better option. Best of luck to you, and I hope it all works out.

You don’t have to tell her the real reason if you don’t feel comfortable. You can always just say you don’t think it’s a good fit (which isn’t a lie). Or you can just say you’re not in a place to continue therapy at this point in time.

Emotional armour and social skills are notnthe same thing. Emotional armour is guarding intimate and vulneravle aspects of yourself. You can be very social and loud without being emotionally open. And you can be very shy and awkward but be very emotionally open with your close friends.

@@micheldesjardins9174 Well then I'm doomed, I am very socially anxious. And I have 0 social skills.

@@franacha there you go, it's just a skill. it can be practised, it can be learned. it's not an intrinsic trait of yours that can't be changed. you're not 0% social, you're literally talking to people right now. stating things as unmoving fact like "it'll never happen" and "I'm not a social person" is shooting yourself in the foot before you've even started running. focus on starting to try to make connections, not thinking about the end goal of solid relationships. focus on the next step you can do to improve your sociability. you don't have a lot of social skills _yet_, it's not a dooming and defeatist 'fact' of "I'm just not a social person"

@@MusiicRoolz The way I see it, it's not shooting yourself in the foot but realizing you're paralytic and wanting to run. My problem is that my personality is so lacking that I don't have enough to talk about with people in general. Even people in my group of friends. I can be in a gathering and barely speak some words for hours. Being only capable to listen the conversation as an spectator. Every day I have a chance at work to talk to people and every day I find myself completely unable to. How do you start a conversation? What do you talk about? What do you do when a topic dies? I've heard this advice countless times. To start with little steps, exposure therapy. But I can't move forward the very first step. I've struggled with that my whole life. I can't see any way for it to be possible. And then came quarantine lockdown and I'm now practically a hermit.

@@franacha no it is lol we are our own worse enemy. you're not intrinsically uninteresting and not worthy talking to, you're not intrinsically only capable of only listening, not saying anything, doing nothing. you don't have to believe everything your mind is telling you. try to look at it objectively. you're telling me these things are deficit: - your social skills (not you as a person, but your current social skillset) - your actual interests or 'what you have to offer'. comes under knowing yourself and what you like, general self identity things you should not be able tell me that you cannot do anything at all about these two things. because objectively, you can, no matter how small. if you are telling me that, you 100% are the one in the way of yourself. "no you're this, you can't be better. you're just an unsocial and lacking person." I'd personally start off with trying to work on yourself, work out what your likes and interests are, a little bit about who you are at the actual core. so you have something to say - if you genuinely feel like you don't really have anything to say in any conversation regardless of the topic. if you do sometimes but you just can't get it out, then it's the anxiety hindering communication. Trust me I've been there and it still gets me sometimes. but you kind of just have to be ok with being anxious/uncomfortable and just do it, when it comes to that. waiting to not be anxious or magically more confident, you'll be waiting forever

The best advice for any relationship (romantic or not) is communication. Make sure your partner knows why you feel the way you do, but also make sure your problems are being acknowledged and understood as well. If it's not something that can be fixed and you're certain it has to end after talking about it, then unfortunately that's just the way it has to be. There will be hurt no matter what, but it's best to have that conversation so everyone involved can move on and begin healing.

not saying you are wrong but i think there are still other possibilities

@@leafyleafyleafyn9785 you right it could be another woman who's the "god" she has to "focus on"

@@leafyleafyleafyn9785 Im going to be completely honest with you but it takes being incredibly dense to read the reddit post and still consider "other possibilites" even with the incredibly choice words that essentially reveal the situation.

I think you're right, but in all fairness, it doesn't matter a single bit that there are billions of other people when you find yourself now struggling to place your trust on any one of them. Even if you find someone else with whom you're otherwise compatible, pain will stop you from moving forward.

KatoBytes I've taken a break from a relationship when I was younger and it was just that I was young and immature and didn't know what I was doing. There was no other messing around with another person during that time, I was literally just effed up in the head and couldn't deal with another humans needs at the time.

He’s a Harvard-trained psychiatrist.

imo Dr K is legit but it's good to be sceptical and cautious and not immediately believe people on the internet, even if they say they're doctors

Wsg

Emoji?

I have issues believing that that statement is true

oh wooow comedic god

haha gottem my fellow fedora tipper

Are you calling Dr. K a cult leader?

I think Cult of Dionysus might be more your thing.😉 😗🎵

@@that_dam_baka you mean orgies and questionable wine? cause that's totally my thing

@@isaiahwhitten3939 they’re talking about CallMeKevin obviously

I'm using 'overlay images' and 'tunable image blocker' extensions on my browser, no more clickbait thumbnails for me! Minus sometimes the clickbait all caps text, lol.

Well that is a clear case of dealing with an awful person, she is using everyone around her to make her feel good. That includes putting the guilt for all mistakes made on you. It is completely understandable that you get your guard up as you work through the mess, but ultimately you will have the experience of dealing with awful people. And the realization that ending that relationship was the only good thing that could have happened.

@@MsSomeonenew I know that's probably true, but I don't like hearing it because we worked well as a couple, at least for the majority of our relationship. There's been other factors that played into it, such as she had gotten off medication the day before we broke up and I think it was one of the things that drove her to break us up. Then, the last time I talked to her a close friend had recently passed away and she took the sadness and anger out on me as I'd stopped being on social media and stopped talking to people for that weekend and unfortunately the dominos fell in the worst possible way for that. So I don't want to put the blame entirely on her, with a lot of the shit she has going on, as well as me not handling things the best way I could've, which I regret.

Holy shit dude. Those people are trash. Be happy youre not with them anymore!

Holly shit the exact Same thing happened to me

Keep watching his videos, and reread your comment again in 12 weeks. See if you still feel the same. Good luck.

@@alexandramaclachlan7597 thanks, likewise

Sounds harsh but you're sort of objectifying what you want from other people instead of viewing them as individuals living in this world the same way you do. You don't owe them anything, but they don't owe you either. Try to talk to people, anyone young to old, attractive or not, start from there. Allow yourself to see their humanity and interest yourself in what they say and their experiences. Humans are very complicated, everyone is different, try to indulge in the human experience and find out what you love in people. Cheers.

Oh my god this is me. Help :(

I often felt a similar way, then in my 30s I found out I was on the autism spectrum. Everything made sense. The inability to connect with people, feeling like another species. I'm not saying this what you have but the way you write makes me think maybe you should take a quick look at stuff like aspergers and see if it rings true to you.

Went through a similar situation, luckily she was not treating certain people in my friend group well (including me) and it lead to her getting booted off a trip we are all going to take. She didnt take it well and left the group for good. My advice is to tell your friend group you are 100% not going to see this girl anymore and that she ain't gonna be part of group shit. They were YOUR friends to begin with. I made the same mistake and she reintegrated into the group multiple times (we went on and off 7 times within 9ish months) it was terrible and caused more pain than there needed to be. She can hang with those friends individually if she is their friend now. You NEED to get away from her and not see her for a long long time, if ever again. And if your friends aren't cool with the fact you need space from her, they aren't your friends. You will likely get pushback from the guy whose getting close to her because they probably are starting to like each other. Fuck him, this is about what you need and don't let anyone make you feel shitty for wanting to get away from her. Stay strong man, there will be someone better for u.

@@ans1l71 thanks for your kind words. I've felt very isolated lately and it means a lot to have the support

You should really distance yourself from them, especially if you have common friends. Try to see your friends without them around. April is still close, it is normal to still feel bad from time to time, it sucks but it will pass, it is not s worrysome amount of time. One year relationship is not considered s lot of time for most people, I don't wanna judge your feeling, but maybe be aware that it is generally considered different, and maybe an eccessive reaction to cut yourself. I'd probably talk to someone professional to make sure there isn't anything else underneath. Hugs, mate, wish you the best

About the other comment: your friend getting closer to your former partner can see them in private, let them know that it wouldn't bother you. You don't want to control anyone, you just need your space with your friends.

i hope you've been managing to get better. I agree you should distance yourself from them and focus on healing. the good thing is you don't have to focus on anything other than yourself. get help from those who can help and those who you can properly talk to. gently navigate your way through the stages of grief. of course cus this is almost from a year ago you may have done these things already. Good luck stranger 👍

Yea you know they’re just cheating and trying to get out of it. So many women do that it is not funny.

Yeah. Literally no one says that unless they feel guilty for something. Otherwise you'd search for God with your partner if you really meant it.

Andrew Kelley doesn't have to be cheating. It's just a cop out instead of saying the real reason WHY. This fellow had a very difficult, awful upbringing. He may have had some unhealthy behaviours. Or not. They're young... most relationships when you're growing into yourself don't work out. And often it's good they don't work out. You make better relationship decisions when you're a bit more grown up.

idk man there's some pretty hardcore christians out there, I would not be surprised of this was a real reason for a breakup

I'm not sure but I don't trust it

@@OrigamiShawn you're my new hero for that reply.

What do you mean by non-initiative contact

In the video or original post, non-initiative contact was defined as contact initiated by the other person (ex: past romantic partner'/ex; sender) where you (;receiver) could respond if wanted to and/or leave the message unanswered. Or at least that's how I understand Dr. K and the OP's meaning behind the phrasing. Pretty much in sum, non-initiative contact just means you don't send responses first and you can respond if you receive a message, but it's based on the personal circumstance. Hope that helps and sorry if I explained it kinda confusingly!! I think the way Dr.K described it maybe illustrated it better @Gofaw

@@w.m.8126 thanks for the reply. I'd have to agree that taking that route is the healthiest way to go about a post-breakup situation. There's no use in initiating contact with a person who, by their actions, essentially said they wanted you gone. I've gone through this scenario back in january and not initiating contact has kept me relatively sane

The god thing is obviously just an excuse