THESE 3 Things Push Avoidants Away & Sabotage Connection

Подписаться 270 тыс.

Просмотров 21 тыс.

50% 1

Unlock FREE access to everything The Personal Development School offers this Valentine's Day with a 14-day free trial to our All-Access Pass. Sign up now!
bit.ly/pds-valentines-day-you...
👇Unlock your true potential and live authentically by enrolling in the "Discover, Embrace & Fulfill Your Personal Needs" course - Find fulfillment in relationships, align with your life's purpose, and create a vision that inspires you. Don't wait, start your journey now!👇
university.personaldevelopmen...
Have you ever found yourself in a relationship with a dismissive avoidant attachment style (avoidant attachment style) only to realize, despite your best intentions, you kept pushing them further and further away? In this video, Thais Gibson shares 3 crucial things that push avoidant attachment styles away and inadvertently sabotages connection. Watch now to learn about how you can identify these dynamics and build a strong connection, as Thais provides useful tips and guidance.
To learn more, explore the transformative course, "Discover, Embrace & Fulfill Your Personal Needs", for powerful tools you can begin using immediately on your journey!
---
00:00:00 - Intro
00:01:35 - Communicating Needs in Relationship
00:04:05 - Pairing Unwanted/Unmet Needs With Fears
00:04:41 - Needs, Fears, and Criticism
00:05:31 - What To Do
00:06:10 - 14-Day Free Trial: Personal Needs Course
00:06:32 - Learn Their Needs
00:08:01 - Frame in the Positive
00:09:21 - Validate Emotions
00:10:30 - Conclusion
---
Discover What Your Attachment Style is and How It Could Be Holding Your Relationships Back … Take Quiz Here 👉bit.ly/attachment-quiz-youtube
Follow Us for Daily Relationship Insights and Breakthroughs on Our Social Channels!
Instagram - / thepersonaldevelopment...
Facebook - / thepersonaldevelopment...
TikTok - / thaisgibson
LinkedIn - / thepersonaldevelopment...
Podcast - pod.link/1478580185
---
Subscribe to Our RU-vid Channel for Your Daily Dose of Personal Growth and Relationship Transformations!
www.youtube.com/@ThePersonalD...
Hey there! I'm Thais Gibson, and this is the channel where I teach you how to transform your life.
I created the Personal Development School, an online learning platform that gives users the ability to create true and long-lasting change in their lives through personal development courses that are designed to give you a breakthrough in every area of your life, with a 99.7% satisfaction rate.
Our RU-vid videos give you a glimpse into this in-depth course content. Much of what you'll learn here is based on your attachment style and how that affects the relationships you have with your family, friendships, and of course, your romantic relationships.
So what are you waiting for? This could be the start of your personal development journey. Subscribe to our channel and start watching!
#PersonalDevelopmentSchool #ThaisGibson #PDS #AttachmentStyles #DismissiveAvoidant #DismissiveAvoidantAttachment #DismissiveAvoidantCourse #AvoidantAttachment #AvoidantAttachmentStyle #DismissiveAvoidantNeeds #AvoidantNeeds #UnmetNeeds

Опубликовано:

14 июл 2024

Ссылка:

Скачать:

Готовим ссылку...

Добавить в:

Мой плейлист

Посмотреть позже

Комментарии : 259

@TiCkLZ 4 месяца назад

Many of the videos on DA's focus on how other attachments need to accommodate them. It would be helpful to see content on what DA's need to do to ensure their partners feel seen, heard, and loved.

@SunshineAndSnowflakes 4 месяца назад

Unfortunately this channel is geared more for helping with avoidants or partners with avoidants rather than anxious. You can go onto the channel and see the number of avoidant videos far outweigh the other attachment styles. I'm in PDS and I love it, I just find that continuing to post videos on how to meet the avoidants needs and not putting equal content about ways the avoidant can meet the anxious partners needs continues to perpetuate the way other attachment styles already feel and that is unseen, unheard and unworthy. If you read through the comments, the majority are unhealed anxious leaning people who are hurt by the avoidant partner. I would think it would be equally as important to help them to not only heal their attachment style, but to take accountability for the negative traits they bring into the relationship. Bottom line is if every other attachment style has to bend and twist themselves to accommodate the needs of a DA, then more content should be available on how the DA can accommodate everyone else's needs.

@TiCkLZ 4 месяца назад

@@SunshineAndSnowflakes I totally agree. I'm secure but I feel my DA making me more avoidant. I wonder if DAs just don't make up the audience because they have high opinions of themselves and are the least likely to do work on themselves.

@carriehuebener2465 4 месяца назад

If DAs cared about making their partners feel seen, heard and loved, they wouldn’t be DAs 😂

@TiCkLZ 4 месяца назад

@@carriehuebener2465 +1 and it would still be helpful to have content to show to our DAs.

@TiCkLZ 4 месяца назад

@@carriehuebener2465 +1 and it would still be helpful to have content to show our DAs

@Elle-om4dk 4 месяца назад

I don’t want a patient. I want a partner.

@hannahollister8832 4 месяца назад

I did all of this tirelessly. I will NEVER get in cahoots with a DA again. Unless they are actively doing the work.

@ashton1952 4 месяца назад

Sometimes we try so hard and it doesn't work. Happens to DA's too with the other insecure attachment styles. Sometimes the only way to explain it that the person has some or other trauma they haven't dealt with for whatever reason.

@myhealingjourney7149 4 месяца назад

I couldn’t agree with you more. Though my context was a friendship

@attachmentcoach 4 месяца назад

I’ve been studying Thais’s courses since they launched in 2019. Her courses are amazing!! I practiced all of these things with a DA, and it got me only so far because he wasn’t doing his side of the work. We made it almost 4 years.. with me consciously making effort to meet his needs Thais talks about in this video, which he soaked up. But after awhile it became very unbalanced because it was all about his needs and when I communicated mine in the postive, with clear actionable steps he could take… he repetitively did not meet me in the middle. My perspective is this will work for only so long with an avoidant attachment style, as the partner, be cautious you aren’t dismissing your own needs in the relationship and enabling an avoidant to not do their own work.

@Shutzie27 4 месяца назад

This was my experience as well. At some point they have to step up, too.

@SunshineAndSnowflakes 4 месяца назад

I started my healing journey with PDS while on a break with my ex DA. Once I started healing, I wasn't interested in making it work with us because while he admits his faults and understands his avoidant traits, he has said he likes himself the way he is and is never going to change. I wasn't even looking for him to change. I was looking for healthy communication, but he saw everything as a criticism regardless of how I worded it. It wasn't just with me, it was everyone and everything in his life. I can't work with that. I refuse to try with someone who might take accountability, but has no interest in working together to have an equal partnership and have the ability to get through times that are challenging. I commend you for trying. ❤ DA's are still my favorite humans to date as we align the best, I need a more self-aware and healing DA though. There's no reason for us to do the work while they stay the same. That's when it's time to leave.

@ashton1952 4 месяца назад

@attachment I believe you hit the nail on the head there with saying ''don't dismiss your own needs'' as it enables...that's what folks miss every single time

@yellowtheresunshine 4 месяца назад

I have experienced very similar with my DA over the last 2.5 years. Was your DA aware of their attachment style and understood their behaviour, but chose not to make significant change?

@cindybesitos8933 4 месяца назад

I worked and did some healing my Anxious att style and he did do some progress the first month of getting back together (beakup) BUT AFTER only ONE MONTH he went back to his Avoidant traits.. however he did have a love one pass away so this triggered his hot & cold isolation character. I was supportive thru this yet, he STILL WAS SOOOOOO COLD so I had to walk away I was feeling like “drowning” suffocated with loneliness in my heart. he began to drink everyday as well. this is why I had to leave him (2 weeks ago now) sad part is that he loves me sooo so soooo much deeply but I think he’s afraid of the connection and Constantly lives in fear that it over powers the connection unfortunately.

@CryptoTaurusMoon 4 месяца назад

They want empathy, but lack empathy 🤦‍♂️

@harry-james-books 4 месяца назад

Spot on

@ashton1952 4 месяца назад

@@harry-james-booksnope

@ashton1952 4 месяца назад

@crypto this is the narc you're describing. Ways to spot the diffs: Narc: big victim mentality, criticizes everyone and everything, uses you for supply and resources, zero empathy. DA: get on with fixing own problems, stays quiet and sucks it up (that's why we don't usually defend ourselves in the comments), doesn't like to be beholden, can be highly empathic. There are more differences but these are some of the main ones. Just to add, abusive individual can occur in any of the insecure attach styles, so it's always good to know the signs of emotional abuse.

@brennam954 4 месяца назад

Exactly. Stay far away from them. Your most basic needs will never be met, and you'll be blamed for having any needs at all.

@user-hq8jv5ew2t 4 месяца назад

It is extremely difficult to be in a relationship with a DA. Even if I did the work,nothing changes on his part or behaviours. I would go as far as to say that it is nearly impossible to have a healthy relationship. There is just nothing that that I can do “right”. Love him and be understanding - he pulls away. Ask him questions - I’m being too intrusive. Try to have a relationship conversation - stonewalling happens for weeks and weeks. Even with suggestions to have a calm conversations, these bids are just ignored. It is absolutely hurtful and exhausting to try to understand how to get through to him. I have given up after 5 years. It drained every bit of joy for life out of me.

@SunshineAndSnowflakes 4 месяца назад

I think too many times we remain in these relationships for far too long. One thing I've learned is that love and chemistry just isn't enough of a reason to stick around. Communication, goals and compatibility are far more important and if you don't have this, it's pointless trying to make it work. I hope everyone who does this does the healing on their own end because a secure attachment wouldn't stay in something long-term that was mentally taxing. We have to take accountability and leave situations that don't align with us. It honestly only takes a few months to start seeing these traits which is why most men don't make it past the 3 to 6 month mark with me.

@user-hq8jv5ew2t 4 месяца назад

@@SunshineAndSnowflakes Yes, far too long.

@Louis-fg4wt 3 месяца назад

Same for me.

@HippieZippy 4 месяца назад

The reality is that anything can push them away. It all depends on how they're feeling at that particular moment. If they're in a relaxed state , then good for you! If not, and they're in their avoidant state, you're in serious trouble! Watch out - an avoidants about! The relationship is doomed from the start due to them being 'avoidant'. There's really no way of getting around it. People don't push them away. They push others away, retreat, want space, and expect others to pander to their needs & wants! We need to focus on how their behaviours affect those around them. Their well-being, sanity, etc. Because that's where the damage is caused. Innocent, loving, caring people who try to understand these traits but get nowhere. And for the avoidant, it's simply deactivation & next. On to the next AP, I go, with a spring in my step and a glow.

@Dsonsee 4 месяца назад

I ask this as an AP: are you sure you prefer APs over DAs? I'm in my own healing journey and I'm consciously trying to date people who also lean anxious so that I can face the stuff in myself that I don't like. But I'm curious, why do you like APs better?

@HippieZippy 4 месяца назад

@Dsanzvillamil Are you asking me why I like APs?

@Dsonsee 4 месяца назад

@@HippieZippy well, yeah

@HippieZippy 4 месяца назад

@Dsanzvillamil My apologies for the confusion. I'm just not overly keen on DA's, arghh...I'm cornered! Yes, I much prefer AP's. It's not like choosing apples over oranges. I have a logical explanation. DA's are selfish! You stated that you're on a 'healing journey ' if I were to guess, and this is just a stab in the dark. Have you been involved with a DA before? Perhaps that's why you've made the conscious decision to now date someone more like yourself? How would being with another person who leans anxious help you to confront or face the stuff within ? Sorry for the gazillion questions, I'm just trying to better understand where you're coming from.

@Dsonsee 4 месяца назад

@@HippieZippy no problem! I'm happy to share a bit of my thoughts and experiences here. My longest relationships was with a DA, and then I had a quite good one with a very avoidant leaning FA. I feel like I instinctively go for the (mostly) women that display positive DA traits, such as independence. I also feel like I haven't felt a pull towards people who express outwards insecurity and who are too validation-seeking, such as is usually the case with anxiously attached people. But now I'm trying to face those traits that I avoided from others that I saw in myself by facing them in an intimate environment, so I give APs or anxious leaning FAs a shot these days. I still would like to hear your answer to my questions :) What do you like about APs? Why do you think DAs are selfish?

@Anonyymi-O 4 месяца назад

Just wanted to say I really appreciate your videos. I am a pastor and they have given me a lot of understanding on the human condition. I think few teachers go as deep as you with the attachment theory and its application. You are doing great work, Thais! You are a gift to us all.

@Crescent_Moon_Rising 4 месяца назад

I come from a long line of dismissive avoidant women. I'm trying to break this cycle. It's difficult but I'm learning. My 20 year old daughter has definitely broken this cycle. I never wanted her to be like me.

@katharinaheckmann4962 4 месяца назад

Same. So Proud of you. Most don’t understand how hard it is. ❤

@Crescent_Moon_Rising 4 месяца назад

@@katharinaheckmann4962 I see you too 🫂

@ashton1952 4 месяца назад

Much respect 🫶

@Michelle-qq4sd 4 месяца назад

Yes. Push them away and stay away yourself.

@HippieZippy 4 месяца назад

Making sure it's not over a cliff, preferably 🙂

@audtasticgirl 4 месяца назад

Falling in love will push them away. And falling in love is pretty natural. I’m FA and I gave my DA all of this. And he still moved funny with me! And then ghosted me. I was his emotional crutch until he decided I wasn’t needed.

@hg3895 4 месяца назад

He sounds too damaged. You did your best ❤️

@user-zb3fv8co2x 4 месяца назад

I had the same!

@ashton1952 4 месяца назад

@@harry-james-books enjoying hurting others is narcissism. Narcissism can occur with any of the insecure attachment style. Please take the time to watch the videos that explain the difference.

@harry-james-books 4 месяца назад

@@ashton1952 The difference between Fearful Avoidant, Quiet BPD and Narcism is so small it can be indicernable even by trained psycologists. When you are on the recieving and of these people you quickly learn that for yourself. Surprised you didn't know that by the way... you being an expert and all 😉

@ashton1952 4 месяца назад

I fell in love with an FA and he was about constant drama. After 10 years of constant giving, helping, support and understanding, there was no ways of being able to reach in there and make him feel loved or get any acknowledgement in the form of commitment or anything. He was sleeping around with almost every other woman in our town too, despite my loyalty, so I eventually gave up after a decade of trying. His constant emotional abuse and manipulation is what caused me to shut down emotionally because when you show emotion they use it against you. When you react they use the reaction as emotional fuel (supply) I hadn't been DA before. So I learned how to look indifferent, although the things he said really hurt. So yeah we all have our heartache caused by other insecure attachment styles. We can only work on our own healing and hope for better more secure attachment in the future.

@spiritwanderer777 4 месяца назад

how about this: if DA works on themselves then I'm willing to bend myself and tend to their fragile needs, but in my experience they won't do ANYTHING for you that requires effort or emotional connection, because when I tried your tips I was called abusive for suggesting that my ex was hurting me or that there may be doing something wrong

@ashton1952 4 месяца назад

Everybody's needs are fragile. This could be more than just a DA style you're dealing with ... research emotional abuse, manipulation, narcissism

@spiritwanderer777 4 месяца назад

@@ashton1952 i don't have to research, i went through such relationships. fragile waa meant in a sarcastic way because of the constant walking on eggshells to not make DA feel cruticized while they ignore all of your needs

@harry-james-books 4 месяца назад

@@spiritwanderer777 Yup... nailed it

@danidynamite2 4 месяца назад

@@spiritwanderer777honestly the way you just snapped at someone for giving a kind suggestion, I could see you potentially being emotionally abusive because that hostility wasn't necessary. I'm not saying your partner wasn't a DA or that they didn't mistreat you, but two things can be true at once and as an anxious preoccupied I'd be backing be away from you responding like that too.

@spiritwanderer777 4 месяца назад

@@danidynamite2 i did not snap at anyone. you misread it. i simply stated facts that i know about narcissism and abusive stuff because i have experienced it from my partners. you are looking for hostility where there was none

@rutht6840 4 месяца назад

Why is it all about the avoidant. They want and expect it all their way!

@ashton1952 4 месяца назад

No it is not, and no we do not. Many of us are survivors of emotional abuse and that's why we tend to shut down. As part of my healing process I'm learning to speak up, and not just simply take the criticism in silence. This style is the least understood it seems, so I'd encourage you to either learn more and stop confusing us with narcs, or at least stay quiet rather than adding mean comments - bashing - that reflect total misunderstanding and don't help anything.

@bbrittanyy1 4 месяца назад

@@ashton1952😂😂😂😂😂

@ashton1952 4 месяца назад

@@bbrittanyy1is that funny? Are you a mean and nasty person? If so, how about you work on yourself?

@ashton1952 4 месяца назад

@@bbrittanyy1is that funny? Are you a mean, nasty person? Still wondering why your partner doesn't feel safe being vulnerable with you?

@irinabalaban6834 4 месяца назад

@@ashton1952 yikes. you're trying to say you're not a narcissist while having a response like this for someone responding with emojis? seen your story in one of the comment threads. you seem to be the narcissist as the famous narc quote goes "i didn't do it, and if i did i didn't mean it, and if i did mean it you deserve it". all i can say is get you a refund for all that therapy my girl, those therapists did you dirty! 😄

@nickskywalker2568 4 месяца назад

As a DA, I agree 100%! The strrategies you mentionned would definitely make relax my defenses and help me come out. Also you are very correct about the needs, same as my emotions, I didn't even know I had them and that I was allowed to express them.

@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool 4 месяца назад

❤

@lilove6560 4 месяца назад

Listening to this and feeling the hurt of being ghosted by my ex- DA all over again 😢💔

@ashton1952 4 месяца назад

We've all been there, DA's included, by other DA's and by FA's and for no reason except fear perhaps, and it hurts like hell and we can all support each other in healing and working towards a more secure attachment.

@BridgesHolly 4 месяца назад

We made it a little over a year. Such a push and pull. We just broke up and it’s been so exhausting. He broke up and acts as if I left him.

@Medietos 4 месяца назад

That is tough! What style are you mainly? .

@BridgesHolly 4 месяца назад

I believe I am a fearful avoidant but have been in therapy many years. I now see I will need to revisit some things and there are still things I need to work on. Attachment styles are new to me. @@Medietos

@user-tz1hl3pf2w 4 месяца назад

@BridgesHolly is there a push and pull with DAs, too, or just FA?

@BridgesHolly 4 месяца назад

@@Medietos I took the test and the result was FA

@BridgesHolly 4 месяца назад

Maybe it’s my perception of push pull. He said he did not break up. That he chooses me everyday. At this point I don’t even know what’s real except the behaviors and words solid not feel kind.

@mgn1621 4 месяца назад

Push them away ?!?! More like they run away.

@cornwallismorgan874 4 месяца назад

As understanding and compassionate as I am, the reality is that every relationship DAs have is the wrong relationship because they make them wrong. There's always something wrong with you and/or the relationship. Maybe they understand that they're what's wrong, especially if you're asking them what their needs are and they don't know or don't tell you. But even if they do realize they're the ones contributing to the relationship's demise, it's far more likely that you'll be projected onto and mistreated if you don't get flat-out ghosted. I'm not saying I haven't done my fair share of things wrong, because I have. But if everything about everyone is so wrong that it's a matter of incompatibility and a relationship of any kind can't be had, there's no sense in trying. It's not my job to do Olympic-level gymnastics to accommodate someone who won't accommodate me in return. As much as I believe in attunement with self and others, it has to be reciprocal and everyone has to both realize they're toxic and decide they don't want to be like that anymore in order for relationships to work.

@ashton1952 4 месяца назад

Thais has a video about shadow work, that was really good, because sometimes what we're doing so much for our partner can be the areas where we're abandoning ourselves. I've been dumped about 8 times consecutively and I had to realize that I'm choosing emotionally unavailable men or something. Most of them have come back later saying that they made a mistake, and or the new woman treated them badly, and yeah, can we get back together, all that 😩. Feeling burned out by relationships, but maybe that shadow work thing is good to look into, boundaries, honoring own needs...

@cornwallismorgan874 4 месяца назад

@@ashton1952 Yeah, I'll definitely check that course out when the time comes. Thank you for the recommendation! I've done some shadow work already, but would definitely love some guided work. And regardless of why, I'm so sorry you went through that, Ashton. My heart goes out to you and I hope you're doing well.

@ashton1952 4 месяца назад

@@cornwallismorgan874 thank you for the kind words; yes self sabotage is another thing I do wrong, thought about that later. Guided work I'll look into, tnx. Hope you're doing well too 🫡

@ashton1952 4 месяца назад

@cornwallismorgan thank you for your kind words and advice

@SpunkyHomeSchoolBlog 4 месяца назад

How do I share a need without it being perceived as criticism? Scenario. My husband actions tend to show signs of DA. Yesterday he was going nearly 20 over the speed limit. I felt unsafe. Especially as he zigged thru traffic. I said “hey I don’t feel safe when moving 10 over the speed limit. “. He responded by saying “I am only going 3 over right now. Which is true at that moment. I didn’t feel he understood my need for safety by his response and repeated my desire for safety. He then felt criticized and said I was picking apart every little error he makes. We ended up arguing over my desire to be heard when I express my need. I realize he hears my need as he is doing something wrong or not good enough. Those are his core wounds. But I am left feeling unheard and unsure whether I can trust him to keep me safe. As I heal my own coure wounds, I pursue sharing my needs but end up processing thru my need alone. Such a hard conflict to work through when sharing my need is interpreted as criticism.

@SunshineAndSnowflakes 4 месяца назад

To me, this is something you shouldn't feel you have to feel guilty for expressing. Driving that fast can lead to fatalities and its not okay. Honestly I go out of my way not to drive with people who are reckless. I always offer to drive or Uber and I have zero issues mentioning that their driving scares me. I was recently at a concert with some friends and I pulled the driver aside ahead of time and asked her if she wouldn't mind staying in the slow lane as it was a weekend late at night and there are drunk drivers everywhere. She was super sweet and supportive. I think it's important speaking to people respectfully, but when it comes to my life, I'm firm with where I stand. I don't care who I offend.

@anzelaiv 4 месяца назад

When your physical safety is concerned, don't express a need, set a boundary, and be ready to drive yourself or make him stop the car so you can get out. If he feels criticized, it's his problem. Speed limits are there for a reason and if he is driving, he is responsible for the safety of the passengers. There should be no feelings or lengthy discussions about this, but it's on you to enforce your boundary, meaning that if he keeps speeding, you avoid being in the car when he is driving.

@ashton1952 4 месяца назад

@Spunky this looks like narcissism you're dealing with. It's not simply a DA thing this, may not be even be about attachment, there's more to it. Please stay safe 🙏 your safety is more important than a romantic relationship

@katieandnick4113 4 месяца назад

My husband, a healed DA, drives a bit aggressively, breaks late, etc., so I’m the one that drives all the time. He has no issue with that. We gotta learn to pick our battles and try to see things from their perspective. There is a time and place to talk about our feelings, but there’s gonna be some stuff that you have to work through on your own. Little things like driving, etc. You don’t want him to feel like you could pounce on him at any moment over something fairly insignificant.

@SunshineAndSnowflakes 4 месяца назад

@@katieandnick4113 it doesn't sound like the driving issue is a little thing to her though. That might be how it works for you and your partner, and that's a smart compromise. But dismissing her fear of reckless driving is not really a solution either and bringing it up at a later time when she's genuinely afraid in that moment is essentially saying she should sensor herself when she feels unsafe in order to cushion the blow against him. Unless I'm misreading what you said?

@JustMe-ki3ce 4 месяца назад

I’m in love with a DA. I took the attachment quiz and tested secure. I didn’t know about attachment theory until meeting my DA. My DA was honest from beginning about needing his personal space, even went as far as saying he wasn’t looking for anything serious. I bowed out, he pursued. We fell in love. He can be the most wonderful man in world. I feel like he knows he’s a DA and has done some work on it. It does make me anxious at times. Finding this RARE connection that brings so much happy to my heart is worth the time I’m investing to learn how to give us the biggest chance of mutual happiness. Life is short, choose love. It’s a really big pc of the puzzle… my 2 cents. I adore my DA

@akdollface007 4 месяца назад

3:39 and that is what is SO incredibly frustrating and difficult. I WANT to see/hear/honor my DA and I’m willing to give him what he needs/wants so he can feel safe and secure. If I don’t mind-read him correctly and he won’t tell me (even after a decade of being exclusive and me asking in multiple different ways), then I’m punished twice (once when his behavior “recoils” or he is miffed that I don’t see him properly and once when he shuts down and stonewalls me). This feels like a minefield of a Kobiashimaru scenario. I know there are times I have “gotten it right” and he feels safe, but I also know I miss the mark sometimes. I can’t offer him what he needs or wants if he won’t/can’t tell me. 🥺😭 this is the worst case scenario for a person who is trying to heal from hyper-vigilance people-pleasing because love was conditional in childhood and I was taught I had to be “perfect” in order to receive it.

@SunshineAndSnowflakes 4 месяца назад

I had to start healing my people pleasing anxious traits while on a break with my ex. I don't think I could've done my own healing properly if we were together...especially if they don't want to heal their own trauma and triggers. Then it becomes a one way street. Once I healed I did not go back to my ex. When you become more secure it's almost like you're looking at the world and people with a new set of eyes. Your boundaries become non-negotiables and it's a beautiful thing.

@ashton1952 4 месяца назад

@akdollface I'm sorry you've had to go through this, and it's no way to have to live. Been through a similar thing, because we had to tip toe around my stepmother. I started out more secure attached but later after two narcs, and a decade and a half, I started researching and discovered I had become DA from this abuse. It's not worth it. If it's simply a DA and fixable with some tweaks, like in the video, that's maybe worth it when your partner wants to meet you half way. But abuse can take years from us and abusers and narcs in my opinion it's not worth it. Wishing you healing, and a better future partner. *whether it's this one or someone new

@akdollface007 4 месяца назад

@@ashton1952 thank you for you understanding and kind words, Ashton. I’m sorry you’ve had to endure horrible relationships - I’m proud of you for your healing. Keep it up ☺️. I’m definitely trying and have hope and faith that I will. Have a great day! Thanks for uplifting me. ☺️

@NormanInAustralia 4 месяца назад

Thanks!

@BigPicture717 4 месяца назад

First time watching a video on this channel. Speaking as someone who's been in longterm Therapy, IMO these suggestions can give some insight t for the the sake of wanting to be supportive of the partner of the Dismissive Avoiidant who is ALREADY In PROFESSIONAL THERAPY. (Most importantly the DECISION to go to Therapy came by they're Own Realization that they Needed and Wanted help to heal/improve etc..) What I'm really saying is it takes a HECK OF A LOT MORE than these suggestions and ultimately A MASTER CLA$$' ' to Heal from an unhealty ATTACHMENT STYLE. Not to mention, it's not either partner's job to "FIX" the other. Just my opinion 🙂

@SunshineAndSnowflakes 4 месяца назад

I agree. The strategies talked about are essentially how to live day to day with your avoidant, but do nothing for the underlying avoidant traits to help them heal. It's kind of like putting a band-aid over a bullet wound. And you're right. They need to do this for themselves on their own time-line. I've read so many comments from people saying they tried these strategies and it doesn't always work. It goes right back to my band-aid comment.

@ashton1952 4 месяца назад

True we can't control someone else and they have to be willing to meet their partner half way. If it's a good person we can try tweak our methods and give it a chance

@lovewins8045 4 месяца назад

God is so good!! I am so happy for y'all!!! Congratulations🎉. You are so deserving my sister❤️

@markcafebrown2883 4 месяца назад

Thank you Thais. Great job. I appreciate you and your knowledge

@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool 4 месяца назад

Thank you Mark, I appreciate your kind words and generosity! I am happy you are getting so much from the channel ❤

@markcafebrown2883 4 месяца назад

Your welcome. Thank you Thais

@Elle-om4dk 4 месяца назад

I am not a psychiatrist so I don’t think I can accommodate the needs of an avoidant. I was already doing these things to the best of my ability and basically baby boomers were not raised with great communication skills.

@jaxbchjim 4 месяца назад

Before I learned about attachment styles I was too giving and I guess it made her feel overwhelmed and vulnerable because she wasn’t accustomed to receiving caring gestures with no expectations in return. Now I’m struggling with how to validate her emotions and express support (acts of service), safety, empathy, etc while not overwhelming her or making her run away again. Quite the balancing act! Any ideas?

@norswil8763 4 месяца назад

Develop a communication strategy, especially if she is an avoident type. If you can express each others needs and wants openly on paper, talk about them and both be willing to respect those needs on the paper, well slap it on the fridge and refer to it daily! Never leave anything in the dark, it's functional and it'll give her a sense of safety because you respect her needs.

@jaxbchjim 4 месяца назад

@@norswil8763 great suggestion, thanks

@jess_smwhere 4 месяца назад

FA, and my partner is DA, and he used to push me away and broke up with me regularly, like three times. I don't know why I did stay connected to him (I didn't interfere in his life as far as I remember) and if this would happen today, I don't know.. I would not care and would not return. I'm too.. tired of all of this tbh.

@ashton1952 4 месяца назад

My ex long term situation-ship was FA and would try to cause fights with me and have rage outbursts over seemingly small things. As an example his dog chewed my furniture and when I quietly mentioned what had happened he screamed at me and dragged me by my neck. Endless drama. He couldn't handle me staying quiet and shutting down and started breaking my refrigerator and other things to get some attention. I got tired of trying to do everything to accommodate and help him and eventually left. I felt helpless and had given up because there was no way of getting through to him or rescuing him. Us DA's also have our difficulties with the other insecure attachment styles and I believe this one was narcissistic too. We have to work on ourselves in order to become more securely attached and that's how to attract better partners in future.

@jess_smwhere 4 месяца назад

@ashton1952 I'm really sorry you had to go through such dangerous situations with that man. I'm personally a very reserved FA and try to avoid dramas or conflicts. You're right, we have to heal ourselves first.

@ashton1952 4 месяца назад

@@jess_smwherethanks for your kind words. The most painful thing, despite what he did and said, was just not being able to reach through to him. Some people and situations are impossible though, too much childhood damage, and it takes wisdom to know when to stay and when to leave

@Saidwhatisaid11 3 месяца назад

I’m just avoidant. And have historically attracted anxious attachment partners. Which caused me to burn out. As I, at the time- also had major people pleasing tendencies- so I’d burn myself out trying to create security for this person. I’d eventually give up and leave. Since I became self aware of my attachment style- I learned how to communicate my needs, communicate when I needed breaks, and how to foster security within a relationship so that the avoidance trigger will not show up. Works well. However these tips are helpful.

@sifublack192 4 месяца назад

That first point definitely stuck out. I remember my AP ex constantly trying to insert herself in my business. While she certainly meant well at first, she started creating all these ultimatums (i.e. "if you don't do it this way, I'm going to break up with you"). This made me less and less appreciative of the work she was doing and at one point I even told her, "I was running this business five years before I met you! Do you REALLY think I don't know what I'm doing here?" Support doesn't always mean inserting yourself into things.

@Shutzie27 4 месяца назад

I think I have been inadvertently guilty of this with my ex husband. Thank you for sharing this perspective.

@sifublack192 4 месяца назад

@@Shutzie27 you're welcome. It's something we ALL need to pay attention to. I'm guilty of this myself when I want to help someone. Gotta stay in my lane sometimes, lol.

@JK-di8nt 4 месяца назад

@sifublack192 I appreciate you sharing. What if a FA partner/friend is making a bid for connection to DA, like says they notice its been awhile and want to reconnect with a check in or something. Is this needy and is there a better way to do this? What if DA doesn't offer reassurance and you know they are stressed. Do you have any tips on reconnecting and if they aren't responding?

@sifublack192 4 месяца назад

@@JK-di8nt my advice would be to go no contact. There's no sense in trying to reconnect with someone who isn't putting in any effort to do the same. A great example is recently I lost TWO friends who I thought were great people. One was a guy I used to work with at a gym who was a fellow entrepreneur who decided to go independent when I did. We hung out, exchanged ideas, and held each other accountable in business. The other was a girl (ironically at the gym I go to) who was a friend of a friend whom I not only helped increase her lifts, but helped get into the running to become a model for a supplement company (for free and on my own time mind you). Both individuals stopped taking my phone calls and unfollowed/unfriended me on all social media platforms. There's nothing you can do except take it as a lesson learned and focus on creating new relationships with people who value you and your company.

@robertdeskoski9783 4 месяца назад

That sounds extreme but there's a middle-ground where someone just wants to be a part of your world and has skills that may help. If someone's just taking from me in the way they want to take, without acknowledging the help or other things I provide, and also not being kind in the way they communicate, I would probably stop helping at some point. When someone helps me, I'm just happy they're able to and want to do that.

@Jdotrhh 4 месяца назад

All about them.. But yeah no

@ashton1952 4 месяца назад

It's ''all about themselves'' total self-centredness is a narcissistic trait and any of the insecure attachment styles can be either empath or narcissistic or leaning towards those. It's not set in stone that any specific style is defined as being only one or the other.

@bbrittanyy1 4 месяца назад

@@ashton1952😂😂😂 you’re all over this video trying to defend DAs. Get a damn grip. I don’t care what abuse you’ve been through, DAs are garbage people who hurt others and leave carnage in their wake. They are the worst types of people.

@Medietos 4 месяца назад

Thanks for good stuff Thais, but what to do when unhealed FA, triggered in my own wounds and stress-sick, please?

@tufftgr 3 месяца назад

Can you make a video on what kind of needs avoidant attachment needs ?

@receptieenikenik7320 2 месяца назад

i asked him a couple of times , in writiing and verbal what he needs from me or what he doesnt want me to do in our relationship to make both of our nees met, but he could not answer and was almost shocked that i asked him that....

@ZhengSW 4 месяца назад

The simple blueprint for DAs. Thank you Thais!

@myhealingjourney7149 4 месяца назад

I will never get into a close relationship with a DA. I had a bestie once, our friendship fell apart and it was horrific. She was an introvert and a DA. Anyone else notice how introverts are usually avoidants too? it always triggered the anxious in me. No thanks. It’s a lot of twisting yourself into a pretzel to make this work. No offence, DAs are great people but certain attachment styles do not complement and do not help healing. IMO If it’s not too late get out and find yourself a better match.

@gregvanpaassen 4 месяца назад

So do the work and heal yourself. Become secure.

@ashton1952 4 месяца назад

@myhealingjourney not all the styles are going to be compatible, and you're wise to know what you're willing to let into your life. I think if people focused on unconditional love, in the sense of 'I'm going to do this all for this person and get zero in return' and asking myself would I still do it? Then there's full responsibility and no resentment, and probably better to seek out a different partner if that's not going to work.

@myhealingjourney7149 4 месяца назад

@@ashton1952 tbh, I find there is nothing really that’s unconditional love. Every kind of love has its terms. Even parental love. Sure there is love but it’s not unconditional. Probably the only kind of unconditional love out there is God’s love. Hence for me I’ve learnt the hard way, reciprocity means one thing to one person and another thing to another person. We have to find the right match. Avoidants are a recipe for disaster in my case. That’s why I wrote what I wrote. I hope someone reads it and avoids the pitfalls instead of trying all these tactics to make it work. People give in their love language not the way you receive love/care etc.

@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool 4 месяца назад

Please let us know what you thought of today's video and your experience with this! ❤

@lucievedomimkestesti 4 месяца назад

For any relationship to work you must become secure attachment. Period. Those videos are pointless because they do not work if you are not secure and the other person is not becoming secure as well. We are not here to fulfill anyone's needs. Everyone should so this for themselves and then both can function together without drama. Those needs and the communication styles mentioned are healthy needs of all healthy people and communication of secure people. Very basic. Relationships are about bringing joy into life.

@robertdeskoski9783 4 месяца назад

...nope, you should definitely be fulfilling other people's needs. Needs = a relationship. We should be able to fulfil our own needs ourselves if we can, but if I have a need a for a certain thing in a relationship and someone else can't fit that need, I'm going to end up fairly disappointed and eventually may grow to be resentful.

@SunshineAndSnowflakes 4 месяца назад

@@robertdeskoski9783 then it's not the right relationship for you. You grow resentment because you're not getting what you want. If you're looking for certain traits in a partner that doesn't have them, then you should find someone who aligns with more of what you're looking for. We should absolutely be able to fulfill our own needs. It's nice to have a partner who supports you through things because they want to, but it should never be expected. Too many people think a relationship molds couples into one and that's a level of codependency that a lot of us are repelled by.

@cornwallismorgan874 4 месяца назад

@@robertdeskoski9783 Fully agree. I've gotten to where if they have no interest in meeting my needs, I just leave.

@ashton1952 4 месяца назад

The videos help if people are trying, and they create awareness so we can all try to understand each other and fix things. My concern is when a person is dealing with a situation where there's emotional abuse or a personality disorder, rather than a style, and then they get themselves into working on a situation that's causing them harm.

@drichards1386 2 месяца назад

my question is how do you get them to want to meet your needs. i've been meeting his needs for 35 fn years and i would love it if he would have some empathy for me and validate my emotions and show me that i'm valued and not taken for granted. i know this sounds like he doesn't love me but he does. i have communicated my feelings for the past 10-15 years but he has made no adjustments. i'm at my wits end ... but finding out recently that he is dismissive avoidant has at least provided some understanding and clarity. still doesn't make it acceptable or make it any easier to live with. i'm on the verge of giving up.

@lgfish5337 4 месяца назад

this one is losing me for some reason. I think everyone, regardless of how their attachment style is leaning at a given moment in a given relationship, benefits enormously from communication that’s carefully considered and communicated in the positive. I confess I sometimes wonder if there is a danger of increasing codependency in approaching this, yes, very important, goal of communication in the context (and under splashy title) of *not* pushing someone away. I fear it gives an illusion of control that is very tantalizing to folks on the pursuer side of the distancer-pursuer dynamic, which really none of us on any side of the equation have over another at any time. i appreciate the caveats being emphasized, as usual, not to.. so to speak “give ourselves away” and that the distancer has an obligation to work on communicating their needs too... I do realize that that’s in here.. but ..hmm.. i know it drives traffic but I guess i’d just rather a different less splashy title and a warning and some tips about how to be careful to not re-enact perfectionism (over control if you will) stuff in communication. thanks for reading

@JacobCarlson-uq1my 4 месяца назад

❤

@taylorbee4010 4 месяца назад

How do you do all these things but not become aware of them?

@geoffreybester7953 4 месяца назад

My DA tantrums, and kicks me out of the car, I then have to sleep in the rain in the middle of nowhere, while she goes off to have sex with her ex-bf. I have done a lot of these videos, and the only way they learn is by treating them the same way back, or leaving so you don't turn into a psychopath.

@cornwallismorgan874 4 месяца назад

Oh no. Get rid of her, Geoffrey. This isn't a good woman, as I'm sure you know, but I wanted to let you know that someone else sees that and is encouraging you to find someone healthy to be with.

@ashton1952 4 месяца назад

@geoffrey, that is emotional abuse, dear, and disloyal, it's more than just an att style and it's unacceptable. Nobody has to put up with that.

@geoffreybester7953 3 месяца назад

@@ashton1952 Yeah, it is just .. self destructive

@gaycarberry8115 4 месяца назад

Thais, what if you've been in a marital relationship for decades, and your partner is of the personality where they're weak in the listening department; they are also weak in the area of emotional awareness and you've just discovered that you're 'dismissive avoidant'?

@receptieenikenik7320 2 месяца назад

How can one not get critical at one point?? and frustrated? i am not a robot.

@johngallagher4280 4 месяца назад

I don't get it. If someone is avoidant, just walk away. Immediately. Why mess with that craziness?

@spiritwanderer777 4 месяца назад

because you may be desperately wanting love and however crazy that sounds you may consider being in any relationship, even toxic one, as receiving love, as I did. i know how sad that sounds, but that was me until I woke up

@littledevil8146 4 месяца назад

@@spiritwanderer777 not "even toxic one", but "only toxic one". Such people aren't interested in healthy relationships...

@spiritwanderer777 4 месяца назад

@@littledevil8146 the dismissive avoidants for sure aren't because what they want is crazy and will make you crazy

@ashton1952 4 месяца назад

@johngallagher If you're the one just walking away maybe you're the one being the avoidant. Maybe get some therapy just in case. And oh uh, don't say you don't need it because we all can work on ourselves, unless you feel you're superior. People like DA's are here to get help and try fix themselves, so just respect that. By all means, ask for help, or offer help, or offer something else useful. But showing up here just to be unpleasant actually just amounts to troll behavior.

@TamagoEgg 4 месяца назад

What Thais mentioned is the bare minimum for a relationship to feel safe in and it's can also be the most you can give to an avoidant. The avoidant has to work on themselves and change their mindset from needing to feel safe to creating safety or else no matter how much of their needs or how much understanding or consideration will never be able to help them to be truly vulnerable. There's a difference between being vulnerable because of feeling safe VS being vulnerable to create safety. Avoidant will always hide back into their shell when something triggers them and this is never our job to help them fix it. They have to figure it out themselves.

@Jayronimo40 4 месяца назад

As a very independent DA, the word "Need" caries a lot of baggage with it. I felt myself cringing throughout this whole video because of the frequent use of the word "Need". For me, if the word "Wants" or "Desires" were used, then the underlying message, which I find very useful, would be much easier to take in. These videos are REALLY amazing, and are the best view of relationships that I have found. Keep up the good work Thais!!!

@robertdeskoski9783 4 месяца назад

Can you not see that you cringing at the use of one word in place of another is indicative of the core of the issues you may be having here. Your brain understand that 'need' and 'want' aren't really that different, and yet it's tricking you into feeling afraid and trapped due to a very small difference. I found the same thing with my DA: I offered to be with them for three further months in a form of a contract (yes, this is sometimes done to make a person feel less trapped) that we would revise at the end of those three months, and perhaps agree upon another three months afterwards. They leapt on the offer but tried to negotiate me down to 2.5 months, not understanding that me even asking this was hard for me, and that their actions poked another hole in the links of the chain between us. At the end of this, I said to them: "You understand this is just a mind-trick, yeah, and that you could have left at any time up until now anyway." *That's* how easy it is to both add stress to and remove stress from a relationship with an avoidantly attached person, when ultimately it's all in their head and only exists in a minor fashion in reality.

@Jayronimo40 4 месяца назад

@@robertdeskoski9783 Yes. I completely understand that I am hypersensitive to the worn "Need". Was laughing at myself a bit as I was typing my comment. 🤣 However, words are indeed different, and have nuances. Sometimes I am in a relationship, and enjoy that. Sometimes I am single, and enjoy that time too. I am capable of being out of any romantic relationship for extended periods of time. I don't "Need" it, but I do appreciate and enjoy it. I think that this difference is important to me, and perhaps other independent individuals. 🙂

@lalaladyvk 4 месяца назад

@@Jayronimo40What do you NEED? Do you believe that no one actually needs anything? Do you have needs or do you brush them off? You don't actually have to answer. I just find the way you think about the word "need" interesting. "Need" means to be necessary in some way, and in this context, to make a relationship fulfilling and lasting.

@Jayronimo40 4 месяца назад

@@lalaladyvk This may be specific to me, or perhaps other DAs, but I view the word "Need" literally. As in air, food, shelter, and lack of physical harm. Everything beyond that is a desire. Yes, I desire to be in a warm and loving relationship, but I can function in life without it. I was in a relationship where the woman said that she "needed me". Turns out, after we went our separate ways, that she functioned just fine without me. Her stating that she "needed me" was just a manipulation to get me to do what she wanted. I just view it from a more literal perspective.🤣

@emmaterrestrial892 4 месяца назад

man, considering everyone here is to heal, it's amazing how cruel & heartless some of you guys can be w your words. you have no idea how damaging you are...all the while, watching vids on how to heal your own damage. wow

@emmaterrestrial892 4 месяца назад

i'm a DA, & i couldn't dream of coming on here to generalize & shame an entire group of people. & I'M the toxic one..??

@cornwallismorgan874 4 месяца назад

That's just it though: they're not watching videos on how to heal their own damage. They're shitting on every piece of advice Thais gives on how to better accommodate their partner. With that said, everyone is toxic until they start holding themselves accountable and healing their wounds.

@edgeofthewaterfall 2 месяца назад

It’s amazing that they imagine that “their DA” doesn’t sense their seething anger and contempt too. Like no wonder someone doesn’t want to open up to them when this is how they rly feel

@emmaterrestrial892 2 месяца назад

@edgeofthewaterfall my thoughts exactly. no one gets verbally abused on these vids like DAs do haaha

@Crescent_Moon_Rising 4 месяца назад

So many of these comments are negative, dismissive and not understanding, and most probably why your relationship with a DA dies. I am a DA happily married to a FA together 24 years. He, and my daughter (secure ) are the only people I feel secure with. But we have the best relationship with eachother. With everyone else I notice it takes a lot of effort from both sides to maintain a strong connection. If you don't have a good relationship with your DA then I would have to presume that you've acted how you're acting in the comments section, and this will certainly assist with the DA removing themselves from your life.

@SunshineAndSnowflakes 4 месяца назад

It's a lot of hurt people in the comments who sometimes lack accountability. There are definitely those who do the work and try working with their DA partner, but most of the time it's an anxiously attached person who is in the wrong relationship and stay for far too long. I wish people would stop running on love and feelings and think more about compatibility and communication. I think too many people run on hope and potential and then feel defeated, drained and jaded because it didn't go the way they hoped.

@Kivlor 4 месяца назад

If you can separate yourself from the topic, it's kinda fun to watch the Anxious types put all their worst traits on display in the comments. "I'm secure. All DAs are evil. Everyone is a narcissist but me. I'm an empath and super special..." etc 🙄 Don't let them get to you. They're broken too, and probably more broken than DAs are, because a DA can at least self-regulate.

@gregvanpaassen 4 месяца назад

Congratulations on making it work! I'm happy for you, and hopeful for me now.

@iammrcarter5099 4 месяца назад

How do you help or deal with a dismissive avoidance?

@ashton1952 4 месяца назад

Honor your own needs first, they have to meet you halfway, relinquish any control (because it's an illusion, and it'll mess with our own nervous system if we try to). Make sure it's not an emotional abuser too, somethings are fixable and some are better left. And watch all Thais' videos 🤗