My ex bf always got angry each time I told him about my stresses at work. He never wanted to listen to my problems. In fact, I started feeling guilty that I was the one complaining and bringing bad vibes to the relationship. On the other hand, he spoke a great deal of his work life and home life and I listened. Always. Ultimately he broke up. Later in life, I told my guy friends about my toxic workplace and they have listened. Every time. Took me a long time to realize that I want a partner who shares my troubles, and I should not have to be guilty about complaining stuff.
I was with someone like that. Greatest blessing in disguise when he ghosted me after 6 years. We didn't live together but visited each other regularly.
@@SaveTheMessenger Thanks, I like your videos. The turning point for me was my friends listening to my problems and offering solutions. They never criticized me for complaining, rather were happy to help.
The happiest periods in my life were when I was single. Then I’d get lonely, find a guy and be miserable again. Vicious circle. It’s pure male arrogance thinking we need men and we want to be “chosen”. When I was young I was “chosen” a lot but as I got older, I realized any man would be lucky to be chosen by me. I chose to stay single but still dating.
I'm single for the exact same reason. I think a lot of us need to sometimes go with the flow. But again, every moment is precious for us and we don't want to waste it on something or someone uncertain. Honestly, we need to strike a balance between not putting up with BS and also not taking everything too serious too early and be a little more patient.
It’s hard to get out there when you’re a shy introvert who has been badly bullied and mistreated for most of your life by people you trusted and loved.
You will add nothing to a relationship if you are stuck on perceived past mistreatment. Marriage is not designed to be live in therapy. No one cares about your past…
Girl , I understand that u r shy , introvert but you have to heal urself and love urself harder and harder each day make urself strong, am I right ? As he has mentioned in this video that self love is important, motivate urself by listening to motivators or watching them online , get inspired by some good people, I believe in u , you can do this , don't be afraid to stand for urself, it's you who can do this believe in god and pray to him , u will be guided to yeh right path
girl, I can totally agree with you on that. I have been bullied my whole life since I was in first grade. I was even bullied at home grew up in a very bad home. So it really is very hard to trust people. It really is but all we can do is stay positive, sit our boundaries never settle for less and believe we deserve the best. God‘s got us and he knows what we want in our hearts and what our dreams are all we gotta do is be patient which is hard to do, especially when it comes to God because we have to wait on his timing, and God only knows when that is lol. I know it’s easier said than done believe me I have no patience. I am terribly bad in that department. But I’m working on it.
Can this old lady who has been happily married for 36 add my tuppence worth? Ok, no one is perfect including you so why should he be? Decide what things are most important to you and look for someone who genuinely feels the same. For instance, I love animals. I married a man who loves animals. I could not have married someone who did not. Marry someone you like, this is what lasts a lifetime. Sex is a trick, played by nature to keep the species going. There will be times when it is the last thing on your mind. If you have a solid friendship and communication you can get through these times. Remember when he is sick you will be the one holding the bucket. My husband has nursed me through 3 cancers because we love and respect each other as friends.
I've always said that each person (regardless of sex) should have three lists; an A-list, a B-list, and a C-list. The A-list is for characteristics you absolutely MUST have in a mate (and they shouldn't have much, if anything, to do with looks since those change over the years). Some A-list examples for me would be: Fundamental Christian (Jesus is his Savior), loves animals, wants to live in the country, has a job (blue or white collar doesn't matter as long as he isn't mooching off of others), has personal integrity/high moral values. The B-list can be extensive since this list is for hobbies/activities that you enjoy doing. There should be some overlap here, but never a complete matchup in everything. That would be boring. The C-list is for things you will not tolerate/accept in a relationship. Some of these things for me would be: Abusive to others and animals (doesn't matter how he treats you, if he is abusive eventually he will abuse you too), a cheater, impatient, a smoker (Yes, I know there are a lot of good men who smoke--I get it. However, I can't tolerate cigarette smoke, was around it too much in my youth.), addicted to drugs/alcohol (they will always be his primary love), a pedophile, etc. I think you get it. When I tell people to make these lists I get shocked looks. They tell me it sounds like a shopping list and to a certain extent, it is. You are looking (shopping) for a life-mate; next to God, the most important thing in the world. By writing down what you really want in a mate you have a much clearer idea of what to look for and you won't be wasting your time or his if he just isn't "the one." And that's a good reason to keep that A-list short and to the point.
@@dibrooks8313 Same. I'm 48 and too many men are still out here acting like they're 25. Most men simply aren't interested in anything real. They want company and sex on demand from various women at the same time. If they can talk a woman into cooking and cleaning for them, it's a bonus. SMDH at this point. 😒😒
I am almost 51 and married for almost 24 years and in long-term relationships before that. If something happens to my husband, I will be a 100% proud cat lady. I look a good deal younger, but feel much older. My 19 year old daughter and 22 year old son are in the dating trenches and I'm so happy I'm done with all of it.
Not! Trying 2 find a man: especially! @ my age. #1; "friend's first". 👍. Anyway 🤗. Also: the men my age: r checking out the younger women. Don't! Need any drama. 😊
I understand that so many women have unrealistic standards for men which harms both the genders, but I think that a woman should not give a man chance if she's not genuinely attracted to him only for the sake of "broadening her mind about her preferences" or just because "he's a good man". That's why so many women cheat even in happy and healthy relationships. That's why this mindset in choosing mate always doesn't work out well. Attraction and desire is key to any long lasting relationship even more than integrity I believe. Integrity in a man can be developed over time even if he's a Playboy, but if a woman does not develop any spark for the guy at first, chances are she will not develop it later.
Agree! For me attraction is very important and I don't need a guy to be physically gifted but to have something that will make me feel drawn to him emotionally and sexually. Without that kind of attraction I cannot be in a relationship.
Ismael, I personally do believe you are the best dating coach. I am 63 yrs old and have been trying online Christian dating sites for several months now. Lots of scammers out there, so you really need to watch for the red flags, and I’ve been ghosted by some men that I considered to be great guys. I take my time, and make sure that we are both on the same page with our faith and beliefs. I am taking a 2 hr flight this weekend to meet face to face with a man that I’ve been talking to for over 2 months now. So I just want to let us “mature” ladies know, that there are good men our age out there, that are looking for good women. Don’t give up, and most of all, don’t rush it. Be your authentic self; that is your natural magnet 💕
A good man to me as someone that is loyal honest family oriented Has good morals and values is loving caring devoted is not afraid to be vulnerable but strong when he needs to be strong and honest and trustworthy and faithful and walks with the lord
Oh please. Who knows why men choose who they do. I’ve seen them commit to a toxic woman and hold on for his dear life while complaining the whole time. Stop stressing. Move on and quit worrying about the guy who isn’t into you.
Omg ismael, I'm such an introvert and i can completely relate to point 6.. I've been searching for a partner for about 6 months and didn't find any yet bcz of limited to no social interaction.. by this time I'm kind of hopeless and thinking of ditching my search.. went to dating apps as well but didn't find anyone of my match.. what should i do?
I feel this so much. Aside from bars and clubs, I have no clue where to meet guys (especially safely since I don’t have a group of girl friends I can go with so I’d probably be going by myself). At a loss for where to even start
Maybe you could go jog regularly at a park in the morning or evening, talk randomly to girls, guys, older people at the park. Just nod, wave or say hi initially to kids, then to older people then to others of your age. Then, slowly chat about stuffs like how long have you been here walking or jogging. Other options : 1. Go for exhibition in your area. Just talk to anyone who is next to you. No matter if they are older, younger, same gender or different gender.
Men are like women ..... They pick based on looks. I married a 10 who all my girlfriend's dropped over and told me that I had hit the jackpot. But our personalities were very different. Second guy was a 10 ..... Women queuing up and telling me that I was so lucky ..... Actually, realised that I didn't like his personality and he had serious flaws. Stepped back for a couple of years to work out what I really wanted ...... Strong, intelligent, adventurous, fun ..... Realised I was looking for things which weren't physical. Decided to open up my dating. Married again at 46 ...... Never understood the concept of real life until I met him. We knew very quickly that we were right. He is very successful, kind, strong, protective, fun loving, a silver fox ...... And was being totally looked over because he is 5' 6" . Women are their own worse enemies ...
Im an older woman, but young @ heart. I SO enjoy ur broadcasts/vids..& u R always so Right On. I was Blessed 2 hav a wonderful father & 2 awesome brothers 4 role models. However..I was married twice 2 immature/selfish men, sadly. I finally met the "man of my dreams"..but he passed away after 10 yrs. Its difficult 2 find a genuinely honorable man these days, unfortunately..but I'm not giving up. Thx 4 ur grear advice. Hugs 😊😊☮☮✌✌🥰🥰
I have had a lot of relationships end because a friend of the guy I was dating influenced him against me. Many reasons, jealousy, possessiveness etc Sometimes men (narcissistic men) damage the relationships of other men and the woman loses
Lack of self love. By the time your in college, you've already met like 100 jerks. Man//child, not nice, rude, just wants you to boost their ego. That now at 22 your burnt. Burnt out of the negativity these guys have brought to your attention while your trying to be the loving, supportive girl. So you start to avoid. Your tired of being their mat to walk all over while they're figuring things out. So then you have to take somewhat of the position of a man because there is no man worthy of your time. And the guy always ends up angry at you because they are controlling and think they are the superior/boss in any situation. So here you are, what to do? Improve yourself, ignore the guys, and if one comes along he better bring his A game because your tired of wasting your time.
You only attract what you send out. I am in my 40s now and honestly I have never met an a**hole. Men (and even most women) have treated me very respectful or they ignored me completely because I was not playing in their league. If you look at yourself as a feminine godess people will look at you like that, too. Try to change your mindset and everything else around will change.
I really enjoyed this ! As a woman that has been single for over 4 years now, it resonated with me. Something I saw the other day that I also have begun to think on, is that women ( I'm sure some men too ) tend to have a fantasy or imaginary relationship already in our mind. That relationship, even though it's not real, has unrealistic standards that any man we try to date will never live up to. I honestly think that the key to finding true love is just being kind, being present and consistent, communicating your needs clearly and having emotional intelligence. It will definitely help us all if we break up with our imaginary and unrealistic boyfriends so we can fall for the real ones !! Thank you for this video and I hope you help so many people self reflect and achieve their goals of finding someone to love.
Yes, I find many people have unrealistic standards and they would rather keep dreaming about their fantasy than having something real that may not check all the boxes for them.
I love watching your videos! I am a follower from Instagram when you were pretty new. You are an angel in disguise! ❤ Thank you for existing. Thank you for explaining men.
"Really good men?" I am DEFINITELY "open to be surprised" - which is great because I have such a sense of humor. And nowadays women need that!! Most men are dishonest.and feel entitled.
You have become my favorite relationship coach because the way you deliver you work & research. It makes me write down or ponder on actionable steps for when I’m ready to get back out in the dating world. Super grateful. Thank you
Oh and ladies and men- try to get to know someone first before getting under the covers with them if you actually want a relationship. Learn to see their character before you get intimately invested, and your judgment gets even more skewed. Of course there are exceptions to this, but you got to protect yourself today.
So basically that means I was open and present and intentionally and honest. Law of attraction. I gave him my number which took guts. You're an excellent coach Ismael thanks so much from all of us you help
Is it wrong to have long distance relationship?? I have been through 2 relationships and both were online long distance relationship. Both of the relationships were good.
i love your advice, im married but i still love to watch your videos :) i think even married people can get something out of your tips. do you work with couples? or men?
I know good decent men exist out there because my sons are exactly that. That's what I am looking for. But even when the man I went out with, who was a friend for several years & knew what I was looking for, he did what every man I went out with did...sex on or before the third date. Since we were friends before dating, he tried to argue with me. That is exactly what I put out out in the world a good & decent man who would not control me or manipulate me. I was brought up Mormon. Sex is not what I was or am looking for. But it is always there. Concerning social media... I do not have one. Irs social media that puts those thoughts into men believing sex is an obligation by the third date. That's when I stopped going out. It is a waste of time....
Okay, that 1 was a hard one. It made me cry I think I have to go back to therapy before I go out into the dating world because it triggered a core wound and thank you for letting me see that
I do what i want and ended uo with a bad man. Take someone’s thoughts with grain of salt but make sure it’s from happy married and not enemy. My bff was right about my ex!
I think your advice make sense! But I’m still single 😂. Genuine, fun, open to talk, I think a im pretty decent look girl and I take care of myself (gym, because I love it, not just for fiding a spouse 😅) but I for some reason, I’m here still in expectation 😅.
Hey, thanks for the video. However, out of curiosity why would you push her to be with a man who doesn't speak good English if communication is important to her? that seems like a solid standard to have.
Sometimes we have avoidant tendencies (like her case) and she was always looking for evidence of things that were missing, so she could walk away with an excuse.
I am just out of an 1.5 decade old relationship. And i am totally not searching for another man. I like listening to these videos but the emphasis is always on the man. I think i am going to spend sometime just soaking in my freedom!
I met the best man 6 months ago. A week before I said a prayer to I don't even know who but I said "I know it's not easy being you but I really want this if I am meant to have someone so please show me something and I'll do my part
From my listening to the opposite gender...What I hear from their voices, I believe they are MARRIED TO THE LETTER 'A'. (lol) maybe I should say;"Excellence in all things he does". ='s Superiority (Me: Not Good!).
I can check off all of the above except getting out of the house. I suppose I can walk around stores or belong to a volunteer committee. Especially since I work with all women. Any other ideas for listeners?
Ismael, all these points are well spoken & take, but in the world today it's hard to feel safe out there. It's troubling because I have had to be so much more cautious than ever before. It feels unnatural although necessary because I am very aware now that there are dangerous people everywhere. There are many women in my community that don't bother any more to even try. They're done with the lies, cheating, & stealing that so many men do. It's sad that dating has become a nightmare.
I have been single …my husband died 25 years ago…if I replace him where the F do I sit when I die? You ladies may have what is out there, I am not in competition….which by the way does make the phone ring….there isn’t much attractive about someone who is on the prowl.
You're already my favourite relationship coach, Ismael. I think that goes without saying. Thank you so much for another great video. I can relate the most with being "Miss Independent" and not having enough self love. But I've taken a break to work on myself. Please keep making such wonderful content. ❤
@@SaveTheMessenger I think that being too independent often comes from fear of getting hurt and not being able to trust someone. In the context of romantic relationships, I'm saying I trust someone, but do I really trust him if I don't accept a simple offer such as a drive home? (Even though I know him for some time) This is interconnected with self love because I'm not allowing myself to experience something amazing by holding myself back. So, I would say to work on oneself, whatever that looks like for that individual, be open to help if they need it.
When I first met my last boyfriend I didn’t like beards but then he had a beard and now I’m into beards and think they’re hot as long as they’re groomed, short and kept maintained. I didn’t think I’d ever think that way but people can change your views.
Iam in a relationship from last 7 months. Slowly my man loosing intreset in love and he said he dont want this relationship and at the same time either he dont want to loose me, so he said that lets make this love into friendship and i said noo to this. Last month he messaged me like He cant live without me so again we start our relationship now he is not putting efforts like he was doing in beggining of relationship. He always says busy at the same time he is busy in his academics and he is searching for a job and one thing he is introvert also. So iam confused i dont know what to do should i breakup with him or i will stay with me . please give me suggestion
When I was younger, I had a stereotype of the man I should be with. Now, almost all my peers are already married and it's hard to meet someone single who intrigues me. I have an acquaintance whose only criteria were the man to be rich and not arrogant and things worked out great for her. For me, all the men I'm interested in don't want a family and children. They believe that they can't be free if they have a wife and children. 🤷
@@SaveTheMessenger I think I had another problem that may or may be not was related to this search for the perfect man. When I was in my early teens, I was bullied by the boys at school (not based on gender, no fight). I hated going to school. For many years I rejected those who were interested in me, for many years I was afraid to show my feelings to those I liked. It wasn't until I got into the Academy and started meeting nice, smart people that I started to shake the fear and my own self-esteem started to improve. I wouldn't say that I have completely overcome this fear, but it is almost completely overcome.
Thanks for your advice, its good to listen to objective advice, friends tend to tell you what they think you want to hear, I need to know where Im going wrong and try to change my mind set 🙏 mine is definately self love❤
Social media is accurate. I'm looking for jobs and I scrubbed my stupid pictures from instagram and ones with soon to be ex husband!! 🎉🎉🎉 and then made it private. More mysterious! 😂
much of your reasons are VERY true. hurtful but true. so what would you say to a woman who has been married AND divorced twice and now doesnt trust her own instincts when approached by any man?
Oh dear me my dad's family all bald I love that look..I just want to find a humble honest man I don't care about the outside of anyone I love to write poetry and my latest one talks about that...I would love to have a "law of attraction man" in my life to enjoy whatever time I have left on this earth to share happiness with all our laughs I cant do number 6 Im an intravert...love this thank you as always Ismael
@@SaveTheMessenger well not sure if this is what you're asking..but here goes after 30 yr marriage now divorced not by choice.. I moved to a place near a few people and family I've known ..I'm not a drinker but to try to get more out of my intravert self I'd go with friends to local restaurant /bar and have a couple drinks because obviously made me more social but finally quit the drinks as just not me and now I have met others from going there as its a small town, all are very friendly..but just hoping I will figure out a way someday to meet someone as I am very nice to anyone I pass by or in a grocery store always smile and say hi as life is short, be kind to all..and of course keep following you who knows you might bring good luck my way...thank you Ismael for all you do
