They Have An Avoidant Attachment Style 

Jacqui Gigliotti So True.

Jacqui Gigliotti I agree!

Amen.

This is all basically hypothetical. The factors involved in our development are very complex and, frankly, different for everyone.

Exactly. My mom use to say thay.having the parts doesn't make spmeon6a good parent.

Hey. I too got dumped just out of the blu after a 6 months rship. Just 10 days b4 brkg up he ws telling me to nvr let him go...tht hes deeply in lov wth me. He was so cold and mean, i cudnt evn believe i dated same guy fr 6 months. And he found a rebound within these 10 days b4 dumping me. Nw hes bn posting pics wth her n making dance videos wth her, bn 3 months nw to their rship and i hear hes gonna marry her. That ws the reason he had given me brkg up wth me tht he thot this ws the gal closest to his expectations fr marriage. After failing his 4 rships, at the age of 25, back to back in rebound, its so hard fr me to digest he is happy wth her and moreover is she happy wth him and on top of it hes ready fr biggest commitment called marriage?. @craigkenneth do u think an avoidant can change overnight if he really finds his "true love" or "the one"

Same thing happened to me! Did you ever hear from him afterwards? Curious of how everything went afterwards.

I just bought it. I've put it down somewhere and can't find it.

It all makes so much sense now doesnt it? Brings soooo much relief

@@StefanieCronin1 same. Isnt this information awesome??

Loni Petricone-Romer this case applies to me as well. My mum was very smothering and obsessed with causing family drama, whilst my dad was emotionally unavailable. I remember attempting once to try to talk to him and was brushed aside. After that, I never attempted to come close to him. Impact on my relationship as an adult? I tend to date people who are emotionally unavailable for me as well. If I sense there is a need to commit I just withdraw. Very sad indeed...

I can very much relate to your comment. I was in a relationship like this for a year and a half, thought every day of it could be the last. He was usually very ok with a lot of distance, had trouble talking with me about any kind of issue, and from the beginning wanted to see me only when he felt okay, which was about once a week. He is a person with a lot of rituals/"addictions" in order to distract himself from thinking or feeling (my guess). I am more on the anxious side (like his mom), so what seemed like almost no connection for me was just draining...same feeling of walking on eggshells. He seems to have started work with a therapist, but now I have no idea where he stands. It's almost a month after the breakup, he said I was the closest person ever to him...says a lot about how he lead his life, we were on distance and he could have easily not seen me for weeks. I was like "is this even a relationship?", when what we had was almost too much for him already. He broke up even though he loved me still. Thoughts to you. Be very patient.

This is the same situation I'm in now. Did you find a solution?

I'm in tears because both of you have described the relationship I'm in right now and it makes me feel better that I'm not going crazy. But I'm glad there are open spaces like this where others can share stories and we can learn from one another. After researching more about this type of attachment, I feel more informed about how to approach this kind of person and how to deal with it my own relationship. I don't know if you'll ever see this but thank you!

You're not alone dude....mine was worse cause she cheated..

madison wood you deserved better my dear.i hope you're okay. :)

Wow! I think you at least got my life story

@@sirrantsalott Having a relationship with mental people is no walk in the park.

@Franky Lee, Thank you for your comment. I am a dismissive avoidant too and can relate to what you just described.

@@sirrantsalott Dude, calm down. Its someone's attachment style which came from their emotional trauma, no one is making an excuse here. Its about time we treat each other with compassion and kindness. We're all wounded and trying our best to heal.

Franky Lee, I truly appreciate your honesty. It helped with this new guy I'm crazy about, but keep wanting to bale because I can't figure it he likes me or not!!! One minute he's awesome, 10 minutes later he contradicts himself. I'm always afraid someone is mocking me, so I take everything as that. But is there hope for us?💚🤕 I sure hope so!

Angelina thanks to trauma... if it was only because of feminism there would have been no avoidant people before the 50s. A great number of child rearing practices that were considered normal in the 50s were very traumatizing.

MJ W exactly stuff like attachment theory like craig is explaining wawnt around then although have to agree that feminism has added to the problem

@@sirrantsalott Thankyou for this. Explains a lot why I end up with the dismissive types!

Depends on what you mean with "did not have their needs met". All parents fall short on occasions. However, if you´re talking about consistently, then statistically the majority of people have secure attachment styles.

@Angelina stop blaming the mothers both parents are responsible

I'm curious - my ex was avoidant and she was opening up to me over time with a lot of patience and consistency from me. But then she decided to pursue a career out of state, said we could do long distance, and then dropped the relationship after she moved there. So even after opening up - and I mean like sharing holidays, taking trips, saying I love you quite a bit, very affectionate, being involved with my family and friends and me with hers -- she rationalizes just moving away and cutting things off. It felt very dismissive despite her being very open, emotional, and loving with me up to the day she left. So to me it feels like it wouldn't matter if we dated for 10 years, she would not see why it would be a problem to just end it without warning.

@@erxfav3197 For me, yeah. It’s like a switch that I can turn on and off. It’s not “without warning” for avoidants. We will be considering ending it for a while and then just disappear. I have gone back to two exes before. One time it was purely for sex (my feelings were not involved at all) although he wanted more than that. The other time, my ex had spent about a year trying to get me back and won me over, but he screwed up again so I ghosted. I can and will bury my feelings with whatever I need to, in order to make that switch. It could be quickly jumping into another relationship, distracting myself with hobbies, etc. In my current relationship ( which is healthy and amazing) I still have to make an extreme effort when something happens that I don’t like, not to shut down and/or escape.

technomewmew how’s it going? Is he come back?

Lol. Go relaxin in the sauna

I'm So Sorry! I'm a Mother... I caused my children drama on account of the trauma their father caused me (and I unfortunately participated with expecting he would "heal") and he refused to deal with his abandonment issues and deleted me from Our Marriage (financially) and Our Family, pit my children's well being against my own (my heart, my soul and my sanity) and used them (and their needs and well being) to inflict pain on me as though he could cause me to be "jealous" of his behaving an aggressive, insulting boufoon (as if he were "free")! I certainly never meant to hurt my children and I could no longer live with the "war" their father waged at me in his fear (abandonment) rejecting and assaulting me (as though I ought to tolerate this. Pray for her that her Heart (and nervous system) Know Peace and Clarity. I love my children and while I could not financially sustain their lives... Their father could would ease and I removed myself that he do so. It's time for PEACE and PROSPERITY for ALL!

I want to know the odds when it comes to avoidants coming back as well. Discarded for no reason overnight and haven't heard from him in 8 months. Very hurtful, he could have at least sent an e-mail or something.

Why would you want them to come back? They don't have changed.

Lori Cortez yes they do my avoidant partner always comes back

@@guesswhatdiana hi diana. I wanto kno he comes back cos he doesn't find another rebound and yet another rebound or he finishes wth the rebounds n come back. If 2nd choice is ur answer, can u suggest what kind of rship u 2 share wen together and which attachment style u have? Thx

Does he come back?

Thank you! If you ever want to schedule a coaching, I'm available. Just go to my site Askcraig.net You'll feel so much better after talking about it!

Thanks Max, that's why I do this. So much of our mental health stems from our attachment with our caregivers. I love helping you guys. I'm excited to see how much the channel has grown in such a short time. I spend hours every day reseaeching information to share!

Kelley ONeal me too I just lost my gf because I have this. I wish I woulda known beforehand. She has the anxiety one. I wish I would have known because I would have payed more attention to her.

Kelley ONeal Did you find any solution for reconnection with your ex?

I kr🙄😂

Thanks! I'm sure I will get to one. Yes I feel the partner is dismissive as well.

Coach Craig Kenneth Are you saying that you believe "Cookie" to be dismissive-avoidant? Based on the repeated short term relationships? I had suggested she was fearful-avoidant because she seeks the intimacy of a relationship but gets scared and backs out. They say fearful-avoidant people are often the serial monogamists. I thought dismissive-avoidant people didn't seek relationships and evaded whenever someone attempted to establish some type of regular rapport other than sex.

Difficult to say, it could be either. Bottom line is they are not in a healthy place for a relationship. There is not much you can do with someone when they are like this. Cookie is still living at home, with her abusive caregivers at almost 40. She is light years away from any kind of romantic relationship (and that is if she works on herself- which she is not even committed to)

Coach Craig Kenneth Agreed. The fact that the woman who emailed you even dreams about a relationship with "Cookie" is a testament to her own need for therapy.

Ashley - Marie Hi Ashley. Im also going through the same. I lived with my avoidant attached ex for a year and felt so alone living with him. He would blame the lack of intimacy to our arguments (which occured once a month), and finally asked me to move out. Its not easy to get over.

Thankyou for sharing this. I dated an avoidant for 3 years and it was a rollercoaster for most of it - she would abruptly end things out of the blue, then we'd reconnect several months later. We never argued because she always needed her space and I accommodated that. But I always felt that if we ever moved in together it wouldn't work because of her space needs. She had 3 failed marriages and another failed relationship after they have moved in with each other. It just can't work with some people. It finally ended because she relocated to another state -- probably a good thing for my own health/sanity as I would have likely kept up the relationship until she dismissed me again.

Same here Joe. I never knew what it was and would almost delude myself into thinking it's her work stress or whatever. Glad I came across attachment styles in relationships. I also noticed its way way harder moving on from these people post break up since there's just a void, not coming together as adults and both realizing it isn't optimal, is just a vacuum.

@@Joshbaldophotography Yes, it is. Hang in there. Once you find someone else, you won't think about her as much.

Great and helpful points!

Yeah, I’ve tried explaining to her that she’s just like this, but she Doesn’t accept it and just says she doesn’t want to be tied down in a relationship.

Update?

@@mmt2310 the update is, I out grew her, and she refused to put the work in, so I left that toxic relationship. Looking back, I wish I would’ve done it way before.

@peterhaddock7997 thanks for the update, good for you!! ❤️

Priyanka Chauhan me too

Agree, and maybe include dismissive avoidants too and no contact.

I can relate as the anxious one , devastated 😢

I can't say for sure, but my dismissive avoidant ex came back twice so far -- she is gone again and she moved away so I probably won't pursue anymore because I know she will never work on her issues -- she still wonders why her mom won't love her the way she wants to be loved and wonders what's wrong with her -- but rather then recognize that it affects her relationships she just reacts instinctively by breaking it off when it feels too intense. And the hard thing is if you are in it with them and are more anxious (which is typical), you will feel intense pain when they abruptly end it, but their coding will not allow them to feel much at all. It's really sad.

Did he come back, Sara Silver?

they do come back but you gotta learn how to deal with them mine broke up with me again because I forced him to tell me what's bothering him

justyna gogol some times laughter is better than crying

ArcticFirepixy most of the time if not always! :)

HEAL YOURSELF....DON'T EXPECT UR PARTNER TO DO UR JOB....LEARN TO STAY AND STOP RUNNING AWAY.

Okay, you answered it, lol!!!

move on, work on yourself! this is my advice since I dated a DA guy for over 2 years with big gaps in between. It just doesn't work out. He is always retracting and worse, not self-aware. There is just nothing you can do, I know it is heartbreaking but you need to leave these people alone. There is no healing from an outside person.

Charlotte B it didn’t work. He couldn’t see it and didn’t want to work on himself. I ended up leaving him and later I found someone who could be emotionally available and so therefore no more suffering!

Lindsey Neal would like to know it too

One of my exes who is avoidant did eventually reach out to me 4 months after the breakup with the indirect direct approach, reminiscing about our dates & basically testing the waters but by that stage I’d already met someone else. But yes I do believe some avoidants do come back after they’ve been given space & you go no contact.

Yes

Dead wrong.. I think it's the other way around from personal experience

Im anxious, my girlgriend is avoidant.

I agree with you Linda

Avoidant and narcs use the same tactics. I had them both. It is anooying and crazymaking. Just leave that sort of nonsens

Chase Wright hi, how’s it going?

Any update ?

Never ended up getting her back. Got over her and moved on. Ended up with another person after a year on my own. Ended up not working out again so it's back to the drawing board

Did she like breadcrumb u along the way or she's just stopped contacting u ?

@@sjm07400ex just stopped talking to me

Alexandra Nvt can you update your situation please

Hi Alexandra~ I also have a boyfriend that is also an avoidant! All you can do for now is just focus and work on yourself!!!! You need to be able to “let go” and let it “him” come to you when he is ready. DA’s cannot be forced in any way (this is to only protect themselves from getting hurt) but many people who dont understand attachment views them as a selfish person. Focus on yourself. That is the BEST thing you can do for yourself and for your future. The universe will bring back but you need to fully be able to let go 100%

Cindy Knight i am in same. I dont get it at all.

Cindy Knight -They are only involved with the others because they don't feel as much. Therefore they can stay longer. Their relationship with the others could be more shallow. I have just turned 56 and am changing myself for a more secure type. I'm done.

I am going through this now. I also have an anxious attachment. I feel your pain. Maybe the other women he's dating have a secure attachment and don't require so much from him like an anxious attachment individual would.

So I've only recently learned about these attachments styles (maybe just last summer) and watched plenty of videos. My husband of 19yrs/partner of 24 yrs I know now is a dimmissive avoidant. Early on in our relationship i would describe me as a secure type, but i definitely became the anxious type over plenty of the years because at the times i thought were unexpected where it seems my world / our relationship turns upside down. He would do a total 180 my DA partner would dismiss /avoid. if i ever expressed a feeling or need or even when it was external & not me, he withdrew , he would shut down, walk away, days silent...but could never express acknowledge why or what. Let me add most days are great. Even til now for 85% days of ea yr Life is good, we can be like besties , ppl all around us thru the yrs love us & admire our relationship externally . We are both genuinely warm & loving...he can express a level of understanding to others in their own life or relationship issues. But when the cave appears & he goes in he is DA strong . Hes gone. of course there is never an acknowledgment given to me when its needed, hed be cold , nonresponsive eye or in touch, im invisible, so i became anxious because it didn't make any sense how could this be same person who also is loving ? When he would come out of the cave...nothing. no profound clarity didn't want to talk about it. " why can't you Just let it go ?" I didn't understand how that was healthy for him nor me nor our own relationship, but i learned to not press, bcuz he would act up again. I learned to be clear to my needs in the moments that its warrented . I clearly noted a direct a simple touch , hug, i hear you, something vs nothing but essentially I felt alone days on end. Walking on glass, mind u the merry go around up most days dramatically drop out of the blue as if we had the worst relationship ever. i clearly remember a few fights where he would yell" what do you want from me? ", he could never reiterate or respond or communicate what i am clearly stating , physically id see a deranged look in his eyes like he couldn't process anything, he would explode , leave for endless hours. A handful of years ago, his cave tendecies became lengthier to days/ he would disappear for couple of days & these times would hurt so much more, my mind , is it me? What am i doing wrong , could there be someone else? I would ache But i eventual grew to a place where i knew i loved him enough to let him go that essentially i needed to love me again & recognize my needs. I knew that if it wasn't me that can help him be in better place in his life. If this love wasnt enough for him, It was OK. I told his family i told my family. I was ready to make this real. He disappeared for a couple of wks that yr.. but came back.. and although its been rough we are still together. We are different ppl in a marriage & partnership , we both know we want things better & we both know it takes work & consideration. he recently did the silent treatment for 3days. I woke up in middle of the night next to this person feeling crushed, alone, and that feeling passed. I carry on. This morning i offered a hug , and it was recieved. Will there a break through conversation the next few days? Prob not but i know i will be able to mention it and luckily may get a sentence or two. Again most of the year we r good? Its crazy... the partners of the DA definitely has the short end of the stick. They need be able to love themselves if they want to continue loving their partner and it isnt easy. I know he loves me, i know he doesn't understand why or what , but isnt actively seeking this kind of info, but hes better than before so there is growth (or wait does it feel the same? In times it feels like the same bs) . These videos have been so helpful and insightful to me because..in his DA epsiodes or depressive moments these vids help me remind me.. the guy has isssues he hasn't faced . its tough, it isnt a healthy balanced relationship in the toughest times. Can I keep going? Yes Until the day comes when i cant , yes i will keep going.

@@justmeh8769 wow, you are more of a woman than me. I could not continue with the sad empty lonely feeling my avoidant gave me..it was destroying me.

Was wondering if you had any advice?

Jump ship while you still can lol

Vandag wordt 't did you watch the entire video? Sexual abuse and abuse from a parent can be really traumatizing to any person. You can't just "grow up". This kind of trauma has to be worked through, especially if you're sill in that situation

Dear Skye: I'm really, really sorry if I sounded insensitive and disrespectful to people who have been thought that kind of circumstances, I completely understand and have only compassion and sympathy for them, but we are talking about something different here, at least that's what I thought. Attatmemet Avoidance in a romantic relation. I had a wonderful relationship for two years and then he ended it, his excuse was that his mother was very bossy and decided everything that happened in the house, he just didn't what that for himself, Yeah!..What do I have to do with that?? All I meant was that guys come up with any excuse just not to get serious. Though after a year i'm still very depressed and angry, I have absolutely no intention of conflicting with the world out there, and certainly not with the people in this channel whom are just like me looking for answers and relief. Thank you again for giving me the chace to explain myself, I'm surprised to get a reply, i was really sure my comment was misunderstood and i got blokked right away. Thank you Skye and lots of love for all you guys! Thank you Coacht Craig, I found a lot of relief watching your videos, I just wish I could hire you. Please, please, please don't block me. xoxoxo

OH i am so sorry I misunderstood you. I was just worried you were saying that trauma is something you can just grow out of. You only meant well as did I. No worries and I am really sorry that happened to you,

Thanks :)

It’s not that bad

They still may reach out. Every person is unique and an individual. There's no rule that says anyone, no matter what their attachment type, will or will not reach out. Flip a coin, those are the odds.

The Knowledge will help A LOT

there is a love specialist who helped me get my ex back after 2years of divorce

Thank you yes it was not bad by me. I look forward to working with you!

You are so welcome coach Craig. A few of my friends came back here to Tennessee while the storm was happening. Yes I look forward to working with you as well. It is embarrassing I have my masters in psychology but can not help myself thoroughly enough. _about:blank_