Oh Mary. I was in this position as well and he refused to accept help, despite me trying over and over again. I ended up divorcing him due to his continuing disrespect for me and our children. And yes constant lying. I could not risk my entire livelihood with a man who would not seek help.
@@shawncho5217 Did you even LISTEN. She begged him to get help. he refused. And he gets angry when she takes steps to protect the money coming in from her side, so the lights do not go out and there is food in the fridge. He still has illusions that he can win the money back (she did not say that, but they always do). And he does not WANT to admit that he even has a massive, massive problem. Gambling is a "white" addiction, it is not as glaringly ugly as shooting up heroin, meth. It will not kill people right away (but indirectly and slowlier it can contribute to death) but is highly destructive anyway.
It is so infuriating that these online sportsbooks are just taking over. There's so much money in it that its nearly impossible to kill that industry even as it wrecks lives.
I got work friends that have been doing online betting with sports books and loose 100 each week. They have other friends that loose 1500 a week. I think it’s the beginning of their down fall.
you know that some people are genetically predisposed to addiction like behaviour right? just that you are not and can therefore easily ignore it doesn't mean, there shouldn't be measures in place that protect those people from gambling with all theird ads etc.@@kvgolfa
I was a gambling addict, winning and losing hundreds of thousands dollars. I’m lucky to say I didn’t lose my wife, my home, and my sanity. I came very close to losing everything and gambling is out of my life for good. This man won’t learn until he loses everything and takes a very long look in the mirror and gets himself to a GA meeting.
Maybe I should not let my dad stay at my place. My dad been one as long as I can remember only thing that has changed is his bankroll. He keeps saying he going to get his own house . 5 years ago. Everytime he gets paid all he does is run to the casino
@@georgewagner7787 I live 5 minutes away from one. But most of my playing was done online from my phone. The casino isn’t the problem, it’s all psychological. These days I walk into the casino and don’t feel the need to play.
@@georgewagner7787 - then it would just migrate to some online form of gambling. You can't get away from it. You can only at some point decide to (or get the help to) no longer engage with it.
I still don't get why people get addicted to it. I hate. HATE losing my hard earned money. And yes. I count the pennies put in when I gambled 3 total times in my life. Lost 16 bucks, lost 20 bucks, and gained 250. And I'll never be back or do it again. I'm ahead on the casinos and the only way I'll stay ahead is if I never do it again lol
Everyone has their way to shoot dopamine. I hate gambling and video games of any sorts, but there's other ways. In some extreme cases it goes overboard, it sucks you in and it becomes priority No. 1. Addiction is an illness, but it's not an excuse to abuse your family. They need to draw boundaries and save their butts. He needs to save his when he's ready.
It’s a addiction to the risk and hope while that bet is still alive. As the dice are in mid air. Those moments are like heroin for a gambling addict. Of course losing money sucks but we think are downfall is going to end up saving us. We lie to ourselves and keep fueling the addiction. Plus so much more goes into it. Depression ptsd anxiety escapism. I have it all. Going to gambling rehab in a few weeks for a month
This call is why Dr. D is on the team people. John is trained in how to counsel people in crisis like this woman. He may not be super helpful with financial calls but he sure is when it comes to addiction, or any other crisis related call! Praying for this woman that she can get out and her husband will go get help. ❤🙏
@@joesmith3590 I don’t even know why I’m commenting back to you because you are clearly just a troll BUT you do realize he’s literally saved lives. Like talking people down from jumping off a building, or saving someone while they are in a suicide attempt. Several people on here have said that they were in a dark place and had a plan and then watched Dr. D and got help. He’s worked with swat, and the police department so he is very trained in this stuff contrary to what you think.
@@flashthecorgi2053 you believed a tv/radio show because it made you feel good. You got no idea what ended up happening. You got no idea what the alternative would have done. Just made up feelings.
@@flashthecorgi2053 the sway and the police have never been less effective. Like everything you say is easily shown to be false bad info based on feelings lol. My grandmother also worked with the police she had no idea what she was doing and all the woman went back to being beat.
As a 30 year old man who grew up with a dad with severe gambling addiction, please take your kid and run. "for better or worse" can kick rocks when you and your child are the punching bag for a man who cant control himself and loses his paycheck and maxes out CC cards for casinos only to come home and take it out on the family. The worst part is that 2 of my siblings got addicted to gambling in their adulthood also even after seeing what it did to our family.
Tragic. I had a colleague years ago who got hooked, almost cost him everything. I have never been to a casino. I grew up raised by a single mom. I learned to appreciate the power of a dollar.
This is my life. My husband’s father was an addict. My husband watched him gamble all of his earnings away. Moving constantly because his father couldn’t make rent. His father passed away at the age of 45 in 2002 from a heart attack. My husband is 44….ive put up with this for 13 years. I’m beyond tired. I have my own income but I’m still struggling because I bear the responsibility of maintaining an entire household on my own. I have 3 young boys who are witnessing this man treat us like this. I want out. Living in California, I’m so upset that this man is entitled to half just because of “community property “. This house is in my name, I make the mortgage payments, all utilities are in my name and paid by me. He contributes when it’s obvious that I’m struggling. He makes promises and doesn’t keep them, he tells me he doesn’t need treatment, just the love of his family to keep his gambling under control…..pffft. He owns a business for the sole purpose of funding his addiction. We would be millionaires if it wasn’t for him. I don’t want this anymore.
What triggered me to respond is the “for better or worse” comment. My husband has relied upon that as a basis of shaming me for wanting out of our marriage.
I think people are underestimating the level of destruction that gambling does to the gambler and people close to them. And all it takes is trying it out once. You don't need to be in a messy marriage to become an addict.
Right - Delony is not an expert on gambling addiction. The marriage can be good, both are content with their life, but one person is vulnerable to the specific dopamin release - BOOM.
All it takes is 30mins of relapse and 3 months of progress and savings can be lost in the blink of an eye. The addict can be totally normal 99.9% of the time
Former gambling addict here. I was single and no kids when I was going through my 3 year addiction. My biggest fear was not having a foundation for my future wife and kids. That alone got me to quit. The fear of losing his family should be enough. I wish I could reach out to this man. He needs to create a new addiction. For me it was working out at a gym. God opens doors when you try to get your life straight. I was at rock bottom. I feel for her, but I understand his struggles
It does not take long to get someone hooke (gambling is not that different from substance addictions). Maybe his brain reacts stronger than the average to this specific type of dopamin release. Unpredictable but HIGH rewards (and HE experiences them, it is not that he watches someone else winning on TV, occasionally there is a win for more than trivial amounts). And a fast succession of bets is possible. The most addictive it is when they place a bet and the outcome is clear immediately. No waiting for results. Then they can place the next bet... All of that is ideal for getting people hooked. As Delony said, it is destroying families all over the country. No doubt the state takes a cut and some companies make huge profits. The lottery is not as addictive. People almost never experience more than trivial wins. And from buying the ticket to the day of the draw there is a LOT of delay. So not a big dopamin release, so it is not addictive.
I was the villain in my marriage. I divorced my alcoholic husband. I gave him an ultimatum that he had to go to rehab and quit drinking or I would divorce him. He told me I was out of my mind. I told him I was not. He went to rehab for 2 of the 4 weeks and appeared to quit drinking for about 5 months. As soon as I noticed he was drinking again, I hired an attorney to start divorce proceedings. I told him to go find his bliss and wished him well.
Same. I told him he needed to get sober or I was done. He told me, "I don't have a drinking problem." I said, "Then we no longer have a marriage." Not only was that the tip of the iceberg, but also the result of years of issues. I wished him all the best. We have both moved on now, no ill will between us.
@@Intense_FrictionThere is no marriage with an addict. They're married to their pain and their addiction. You're coupled to a ghost who's a slave to a relationship-wrecking force. You're not married to a functional adult. They'll ruin their lives and everyone around them. Marriage should be the "power of two," and the addiction is their choice for the second of that "two." It's like being married to an anchor in the middle of the sea. I've been married to a very good adult for 17 years. I pray for anyone who has an addict spouse. Much worse than being single. Marriage should feel like an upgrade to the quality of your life, even if you have financial, sexual issues here and there.
The only financial thing that’s tricky here is if her name is on the mortgage and other bills from their home - if she stops paying (as she should, once she moves out), and he doesn’t pay (cuz he has no money now!!), this will affect her.
She needs to go seek a real therapist not the Ramsey show! This issue is far deeper then getting debt free. John did give good advice. This woman sounds like she’s in the verge of a mental breakdown and she needs to take action sooner than later. I hope she has family or friends that can help her separate for a while or just divorce if that what it comes down to.
Plz. She doesn't need a therapist. She is making an oral statement like John maped out for her and it's up to him to chose if he wants to keep on gamling their money away or if he wants a life with her. It's his choice. She is telling him I've had it, this ends now or it's over. This is how you should treat every addiction. You can't save an addict. Either they save themself or they will bring you down with them. There is NO other way
@@jaghad actually she does need to speak with a therapist because she is clearly torn and not 100% ready to end it all. She literally says on the call she thinks she should take the daughter and separate but she doesn’t know if she should actually go through with it. This woman does need help to work through her own feelings on top of the fact she’s dealing with an addict that may not change and she will need help to sort through all of that. Does she need a therapist in order to leave now, of course not but she does need one to help her in the long term to deal with her situation as she’s clearly distressed.
@@kstar1956correct. She is in a panic. You can hear her hyperventilating. She is on the cusp of realizing it’s all over but afraid to make the jump. John’s advice was great but a therapist might be helpful. Her man has already ruined the relationship but she’s still catching up to that reality.
True story in the past year I lost 10k to gambling. So I banned myself for 3 months to refresh because I was clearly losing my mind. My wife was upset at me & rightfully so. However, since I’ve taken a break - our marriage has gotten much better and we’re actually working together now. Going forward, I first need to build my bankroll before I bet again and if I don’t have bankroll, I’m NOT betting.
The random, unpredictable reward is called INTERMITTENT REINFORCEMENT in trauma theory. It's a of trauma bonding that narcissists use to hook their victims. Look it up.
You need to divorce this person. Don’t listen to this guy. Your finances are going to be destroyed. You and your daughter are going to be living on the street. You guys can live together but you need to not be attached to this guy financially.
Definitely divorce when it comes to a gambling addiction. You don't want to be liable for any additional debts. An ultimatum makes sense. You just have to follow through. Move the direct deposit and let the bills bounce on him. He needs to hit rock bottom and see the instability he's causing. Hopefully she and the daughter are ok.
I am at this "or what" point in my marriage, just with video game addiction instead of gambling. Unfortunately, I can relate so much with this caller 😢
@melinda67 I wish it were that easy. But I cannot "parent" my spouse. He would just repurchase whatever I removed. And it doesn't address the root cause of his behavior. He has to want to change, and his behavior is a language.
She needs to completely separate finances, no joint credit cards, etc. Lock down her credit as he may have already forged her signature on loans. He will take out cards in her name, he will drain the joint account. No doubt he is telling himself the next bet will be the big one that gets it all back. John is right that he is using the gambling to self medicate a much larger problem.
As someone that was a former drug addict in my 20s. I can tell you with 100% certainly that addiction is an incinerator to your bank account. You can deposit the largest check you can get your hands on, and a week later most of it will be gone.
Yup. Alcoholic here. Wasted 10s of thousands and cannot explain where it went. Stopped drinking a few months ago now and my life is back on track mostly
Addiction is not an illness, like kidney disease or cancer. It’s a choice. That’s why the first step to getting over addiction is - drumroll - choosing to do so. Actual illness doesn’t work that way. You don’t owe it to your spouse to stick with them when they are choosing addiction over you. That’s their choice. It’s a decision. They are letting you know you aren’t worth the insert whatever. Then it’s incumbent on you to leave. Sticking around makes you a willing participant in your own abuse.
I get what you are saying but cancer can be a choice if you live an unhealthy lifestyle like smoking or drinking. There are things you can do to decrease your chances of cancer... and smoking and drinking are addictions that lead to cancer
Pretty clear that the OP is correct, I’d like the other commentor, you don’t like what they say because it’s true. Sad day for you. Live with it. Live with whatever you’ve done.
So they don’t tell you the very first thing to fixing addiction is admitting to it and deciding to fix it? Lol. Sounds like you’re the one that doesn’t know what you’re talking about. Or rather, you wanna make excuses and live in fantasy fairyland
If her boyfriend is anything like I used to be then he's in for a world of pain. She's going to leave him which might make him stop but then all the emotions that he's been avoiding will come and smash him in the face. Best of luck to them both.
@@bettysmith4527 I am so sorry. Please find it in your heart to forgive me for using boyfriend instead of husband. How can I go on with my life now knowing I used the wrong word. Oh my days......
This woman sounds so scared. Hoping she gets out of this. Gambling is only going to get worse over time. I have friends that got so used to it that losing a couple grand a month became normal to them. I really believe gambling is linked to depression and will separate families in the future.
Addicts who change their addictive behaviours do so "only" by being honest with themselves. Yes, it does happen and they are out there.@@amireallythatgrumpy6508
Being dishonest is what causes people to begin gambling in the first place. Not all dishonest people gamble, but all gamblers are dishonest. @@shaunmcinnis566
She doesn’t need to go to marriage counseling! He’s financially abusing her. Unbelievable, she’s tried all she can. He clearly doesn’t want help. Ma’am, please take your child and leave. Otherwise he’s gonna continue to financially and emotionally ruin you and your child.
Considering the very first thing so called addicts need to do for addiction is to acknowledge that it’s their fault and decide to fix it, it’s a choice. You need to listen when they decide/choose not to fix it. They are saying it’s worth more than anything else, including you.
I lost $40k last year damn this video broke my heart Thank god my wife never found out I relapse from time to time but I’ve been sober for the past 6 months
AND, he's not hurting her now but narcissistic behavior can escalate when the person gets mad enough. She definitely needs a support system and let go of the "I still love him" when things get tough.
Gambling addict = get a divorce right away, she can live with him or nearby and if he manages to conquer it they can remarry. Gambling addiction is no joke. Read sth in a book. A gambler that tried to recover walked by a hall with slot machines. He started sweating a lot - it is not a substance addiction, but for the brain it does not matter. That person dared to go by because they knew they had someone at their side who would not let them go into the hall, even if they would give in to the very strong desire. They made it past the tempting location - and the gambler had wetted through his shirt.
It is no different than a drug addiction or alcohol addiction. It turns them into serial liars the way tweakers are and alcoholics are. Until he wants and gets help she should leave and I agree. He is destroying the family unit because he chooses the addiction over what is best for the family.
Hi gambling has nothing to do with the “disfunction” in the relationship it is financial abuse. She should not have to go to counselling. The focus needs to be solely on him changing his behaviours. She needs to build her supports
Counseling can teach her to set and maintain boundaries, set up a support network, creating her own financial security, and other survival skills. It’s not her fault that she’s in this mess, but it’s her responsibility to help herself.
Gambling addiction is horrible. I was addicted around 9-10yrs ago. I wanted to stop so bad, and 99.9% of the time I was mentally strong and held myself together, but all it took was that one 30min where you use control and you lose everything (usually involving alcohol)
Gambling is a hereditary problem from both sides of my family, both mom and dads side... My dad directly, and my mom's father.... I've learned to supplement hereditary gambling addiction to investing in the stock market.... It's practically the same, except I can study how the stock market trends and the anticipated moves in society that will raise the price of the ETFs I hold... So far, I've made about $2k, and it's only been 2 weeks into 2024... Not sure how strong it'll be for the rest of the year, but I'd rather put my money towards my retirement instead of gamble it away
Gambling isn't the issue it is the "addiction". If gambling is a line item in your budget and you do that instead of go to the movies or whatever fine, the second you go over the budget its a problem.
I’ve never liked gambling because you know, you mostly lose! And that always feels like “well that wasn’t worth it”. Especially lottery tickets or scratch offs. But I’ll buy a lottery ticket if there’s like a giant pot or something and I’m doing like a group bet where we split profits and we all just buy like 2 tickets because why not but otherwise it’s dumb. Or if you sports bet, you get like $100 in free bets for just signing up. If you wanna try it, if you’re disciplined you just use the free money only and when it runs out you just, stop betting. But in general most people can’t handle that and that’s why they bait people with it. Don’t gamble everyone! lol
Gambling is a harmful addiction, but there is another addiction, such as investing, which is the primary obsession for many people watching this channel.
If you're investing in regulated reasonably safe investments, you'll win. Over time, of course, there are regular crashes that will evaporate a large chunk of it for a couple of years. That's not exactly gambling. Buying crypto is gambling.
Life is too short to be dealing with an adult with a child’s mindset! It’s time to evaluate the premises. Stop letting people show you who they really are over and over again! When people put your finances and health in jeopardy, it’s time to cancel their @$$. Life is toooooooo short!!!!
Take care of yourself and daughter. Boundaries are necessary for your sanity and your well being. You are responsible for you and your daughter not for him.
And she should tell people around them, incl. how much money he gamled away. So he cannot borrow from them. She must leave in her own place, he will soon fail to pay rent and utilities. THEN he may be willing to admit that he has a problem and give up the illusion he could win the money back.
I have a small gambling problem and winning $1000 isn’t the same anymore I don’t want to thousand dollars I want more I need to cut this habit before it gets out of hand
The wildest thing about gambling addictions is that people get addicted to LOSING. (Yes, I understand, the addiction involves the thrill of the possibility of winning, but it's absolutely WILD to me that someone can be $40k in the hole and swear they're gonna get it all back - It's a toxic combination of addiction and stupidity).
This guy is absolutely out of his mind. You should not be afraid to live in your own house. You should have a real man who will take care of you and his children. Leave him it's not worth it.
Leave and leaply separate to save your own finances from being destroyed. Put a time limit sich as 6 months woth specific steps he must take to show hes in recovery. Od not met then file for divorce. This guy will ruin your life.
30-40k no way he's going to have you all homeless and in debt he needs to go to therapy or something if he gets some type of felony he'll lose his nursing license and now he's unemployed and a bunch of student loan debt for nothing
I’d file a Legal separation so she’s protected financially and otherwise. Also make sure her credit is locked down. I don’t see see it working out though. Get away to safety before he’s served. Let him think everything is hunky dory until she gets her ducks in a row
There wasn't legal separation to protect one from the other spending all your money, and if it's to keep people from going after you for payments, he owes, but divorce . I lived with a gambler that became verbally abused to my kids when he ran out of money. She was told she wasn't good enough to go to a fancy restaurant he was talking about and that she was terrible right in front of me. When I went to correct him on it,he pushed his bs even more to make a sweet 10 year old cry. Later, I found out he lost so much money that there was no way we could go out to eat. That was it for us being together.
Throughout this conversation, I kept mentally screaming, "John, SHUT UP and let this woman speak!!!!" I wished to learn more about her situation: the ages of the couple, and of their child; whether she can move in with family instead of trying to afford an apartment right away; if she's sought support through a Gambling Anonymous group, or if she has a church family. Is there anyone else she's confided in who can help, with child care or shelter? Is there a close friend or a sibling that can try to get through to him, or be with her in an intervention-type setting?
@@krobdawghe really doesn’t. He only asks when it’s very necessary and he’s genuinely scared for someone’s safety. John is trained in crisis counseling so he knows.
John's question definitely needed to come out on this call. Domestic partners are at most risk when they're getting ready to exit/end the relationship. This scenario also has addiction and a kid in the equation. In today's current environment, it's better to prepare for the most likely and worst case scenario. Hope the caller and her kid stays safe.
