This is something you probably didn't know was gaslighting... 

I just had to get to the place where I asked myself, "If they're so great, why do I always feel like shit around them?"

"He has always been really nice to me" Yes, because you are not In a relationship with him.

One of the most painful things. This form of gaslighting means you're always on your own. No one believes what happens behind closed doors. It also makes you feel you are the problem, because they are so "nice" to everyone else.

I lived with this type of gaslighting for decades. There was a side of my wife that was reserved for me and me only. Everyone thought she was the nicest, sweetest, most loving, kind and considerate person in the world. I decided that the only way to save my sanity was to divorce her and never make contact again. I briefly struggled with what I would tell friends and family as to why we were getting divorced after nearly 40 years. I knew no one would believe my side of the story so whenever anyone asked, I simply stated "I have my reasons" and left it at that. I knew what I had gone through and I didn't have to justify it to anyone. I'm much happier now and remarried to a truly wonderful woman.

When Dr Ramami said “since most people don’t understand narcissism, they think you are the problem”- I felt that 🥺

My grandmother would describe such a person "as a street angel and a house devil"

“Charming in public, abusive in private” thanks Dr Ramani

As a former criminal investigator, this was always a "tell tale" for a psychopath. Externally charming and manipulative and "nice", where someone very close to them - usually a female/ Wife would be too scared to tell a different story. It is a hallmark of severe Domestic Violence. It is a control mechanism that shuts off their target to any form of help or support, and they are trapped.

As a young girl I begged my narc mom to treat me like she treated strangers. She was so nice in public and so cruel in private. Its awful growing up with them.

"narcissistic abuse shrinks us, makes us small, it makes us anxious" (10:00)

I lost count of the amount of people who have said to me ' wow I'm so surprised , he's so nice, kind and helpful '

This was me as a teenager living with my Grandma. Everyone thought I was ungrateful, but she treated me like shit! When I met my husband, he's the same person all the time! I love him so much.

"But your mother's SO NICE!" If I had a dime for every time I heard someone say that, I could retire today.

The problem is, when you're their child you don't say "I was wrong about them", you say -"there is something wrong with ME"

I was married to that... for years I thought I was going insane... turns out I just needed to leave, so I did.😊

This is one of the reasons it took me so long to realize I was raised in toxic narcissism. Now I have to deal with the back blow of being the bad guy that cut out my narcissist because they are crying to others about me cutting them out. At this point, I've gotten ok with being the villain in other people's stories. Just as long as I can live my life in peace.

The narcissist wants you to doubt yourself. They don’t care about what is right or true.

This hits home so much! I left my partner of 5 years of awful abuse. The final straw for me was after I’d worked 50 hours, I said I was tired and he said “we all know you’re a lazy, lying c**t!” I grabbed my bag and left. He tried to mend things by saying “you know what you’re like, you’re too sensitive”. I never went back! I lost everything, my home and he destroyed most of my belongings. But at least I’m free of that x

I was married for 22 years to a man like this. It left my head spinning. I never got a compliment. My talent was a tool my husband used to gain himself more accolades. No amount of my bending over backwards to please him was ever enough. I was exhausted, depressed and anxious. I became resentful and defensive. No matter what, he always had to win. Needless to say our divorce was heavily weighted in his favor. It took me almost a decade of therapy to rebuild healthy relationships with my children. I wasn’t blameless by any stretch, I repeated the pattern later in my life. Thanks to you Dr. Ramani, I can see it and recognize what makes me a target for these people.

This describes my mother totally. The world outside the home thinks she's so wonderful, but the minute the doors close, the mask comes off. I grew up believing something was terribly wrong with me. Now I see she's used me as her emotional garbage can.

At a party: The friend: wow you husband is so kind , funny and generous, I wish I was married to someone like that. The wife: Me too.

I really want to nominate Dr. Ramani for Sainthood because she has literally saved my sanity. God Bless, Dr. Ramani💔😖

I didn’t have the finances to leave the narcissist many years ago until my father passed away and left me and my sisters an inheritance. Getting away from that person was the beginning of my liberation! I was so happy I didn’t have to take any of his shiz anymore!

When I was 8 it was my sister's 5th birthday and my Mom decided to take us out for a meal. As I sat down in the restaurant, I had knocked a loose ledge on the window made of metal that came crashing down. Before this all happened I was a confused child, my Mom so nice out in public and a monster to me at home. My self esteem was non existent. And here I was in front of everyone at the restaurant doing something wrong again. My Mom shouted at me. Made me feel even worse because now it's my sister's, the golden childs birthday. I'm stuffing it up it for her. The food came, I took a mouthful. I didn't notice, but a lady from another table had been watching me the whole time, she must've seen the sadness on my face. While I still was chewing my food she came up to me, stood between my Mom and looked at me. She said, "Don't you ever forget how beautiful you are." I thought perhaps she got the wrong person because it was, after all, my sister's birthday and now I have the attention on me. Another thing I thought I was going to get shouted at for. My Mom quickly piped up and said to me in a rushed tone, "So don't you say thank you the nice lady?" I couldn't because the reason I stuffed food in my mouth was to stop the tears from falling so that my Mom wouldn't notice I was crying. Therefore I couldn't say thank you to the lady. Anyway, it took many years for me to realise exactly what she was doing ,cos honestly that night at the age of 8, I just couldn't keep going on like that. She was an angel. That's what I believe anyway.

When you said “car ride home” I had so many flashbacks. They know you are trapped in the car with them and they feel Extra “safe” and become the most verbally cruel.

If you're in a relationship where you can't bring up concerns without getting put down or having the other person be dismissive or cruel then it's always a concern!

When I confronted my ex boyfriend about this duality on his behaviors, he told me loud and clear as the most innocent explanation "well of course, it's like I'm selling them shoes, of course I'm polite and smiling at them, it's my work" he is a photographer, I thought I was loosing my mind. Thank God it last only six months. Hard ones, for sure... It's been 9 years since I broke up with him and moved away and I still remember everything. I've learned so many priceless lessons about that experience. Now I have my eyes wide open to people. Nonetheless my heart is open too. I have an amazing husband and we are the parents of the most incredible 3 year old boy we could possibly imagine. We live a life of joy, even in hard times, we are so blessed ❤

I had people tell me that my husband is so polite but he was awful and I knew he was awful! The people did not know him like I did. I got free from him, thank God!

narcissists will also project their behavior... if they see YOU being kind, polite, etc. they will accuse you of putting on a show, being fake, etc.

“The mask comes off as early as the car ride home” Spot on Dr Ramani 👍

This brought tears to my eyes, it was my life for 25 years. Thank you for validating my experience.

My mom and sister. Lies are ok, as long as no one outside the family knows.

"disgusted by true intimacy, closeness, emotional depth and empathy". Bingo. That's my ex.

They think we are weak for simply wanting a healthy and loving relationship.

Gaslighting is everywhere and the most insidious part is that it is often disguised as "help" done "for your own good". "Don't cry! There's no reason to cry! Think about how fortunate you are of having such wonderful family! Others are not as fortunate as you!" **omitting upsetting information "so you don't get upset"** "Smile! It's not that bad! Look at the bright side! At least *insert worse scenario here*"

omg that's my mom... went to lunch with her she was so amazing and loving and AT THE MOMENT we arrived at her place she acted different... and I even asked her "why is it always like this when we arrive home" .. and than it clicked it was ALWAYS like this... I was as a child even always afraid after events/holidays/family meet ups to go home... everyone always said how amazing ma mother is how loving bakes cakes helps everyone is so kind and I was always the troubled child - but she never asked me how I was really doing, never helped me with any fundamental things... it finally really clicks after being almost 30 and try to go no contact

I would literally beg my ex to treat me like he treated his friends... I never understood why he couldn't be the same person with me. I'm so glad I'm single

The worst about this is the need of justice. You want to be believed, to show others how bad they are, but nobody listen...

When I was at my most vulnerable is when he would attack me. He would blame me of something, start an argument, tell me if I left him I’d be crazy. He always told me I should be lucky to be with him & so many other women wanted him, so I should stop complaining. It was mentally draining. I felt like I was always managing his emotions. & I had no rest or peace around him.

My mum was always so nice to me when other people were there - and was revered by our community

"Wow! Your parents are so great. I wish they were my parents." "No you don't."

My mom was loved and beloved by a thousand people. Little did they know that she was all actress in public and a monster at home. It is amazing that I survived her.

I so needed to hear this today. I broke everything off a few days ago and this was a great reminder.

Exactly. Few years after getting out of a toxic relationship, I met a guy in a bar who was confusedly similar with my narcissist ex. He was super handsome, super open, super friendly with everyone, smiling, laughing. His girlfriend was closed, talking very little and mostly sharply. Everyone was commenting "she seems so annoying ! Poor guy". I felt like I knew exactly what she was going through. It was me years ago. I wanted to give her support, but didn't know how to reach her without being intrusive and the boyfriend didn't let anyone alone with her anyway

It truly feels like you’re living in the twilight zone with them. RUN!

My sister gave me the perfect basic definition of gaslighting. “What you thought you saw you did not see.”

Dr Ramani, you just explained my father and my childhood. I had no idea what was wrong with him, he was very violent too. It was my learning about NPD over the past 12 months that I could finally see him for who he really was. He recently died. I'm executor of the will in which he took punitive action against me and my brother. It took 20 years for my husband to see what dad was really like. People always tell me how cool my dad is. So kind. Such good manners etc etc. It wasn't until Dad (89) came to live with us that my husband experienced Dad's gaslighting and violence etc. Now my husband believes me and the stories I've told him about my childhood. It wasn't that he didn't believe me... it was all just a bit far-fetched... but now he sees it... and knows I wasn't exaggerating my stories of childhood.

That's why narcissists get the best women. And then they destroy them.

Part of the goal is to ensure that nobody who has met them believes your story.

I am so tired of this cycle....they will take everything out on you and make it seem like it's all your fault when you stand up for yourself or set boundaries😡

Those small good moments are the ones they are using to keep us stocked and thinking twice before leaving...😢

Facts! At any kind of work event for my husband, he was always very charming and attentive. I asked if he could treat me like that at home not just at functions. I ended up leaving him. You do so many people and amazing service Dr. Ramani❤

Or how bout, “ I don’t have these problems with anyone but you!” Because he is putting on his charm mask for everyone else, then comes home and snaps on a pin drop.

Almost in tears cause this perfectly describes my marriage. After 17 years of abuse, it’s coming to an end, finally.

There are many different signs. These include spending time on phone that was not spent previously, withholding sex from you, withdrawing in communication with you, agitation or anger over Petty stuff or making up situations to get angry or agitated over, lying, being secretive in any way, randomly spending more time caring for and pampering oneself such as putting on makeup or wearing cologne or coloring hair etc. Any type of changed behavior that is not aimed at pleasing or benefiting your relationship. With all of that though, follow your gut. your gut is telling you that something isn't right and it's telling you that this could or is happening, therefore listen to it. Just Free yourself from all of it! Run and don't look back. Go 100% no contact. The mental and emotional abuse is not okay at all! Do not bring anything up to her. Don't try to rationalize or have a conversation about anything. Don't let her know that you know she's in narcissist. All of that can cause a narcissistic rage. If you have not yet witnessed one of those just trust me that you don't want to! A narcissistic rage is beyond any rage I have ever seen or witnessed in my entire life. I am an army combat veteran and served front lines for a year and afghanistan. I have abuse going back from as long as I can remember, the first time in my personal memory is 2 years old. With everything I have been involved in, and my rape, other sexual abuse, their physical abuse, etc in narcissistic rage is by far the worst! If you need to contact your local police department and start a new contact order. No one can protect you like you can! free yourself from it all and move forward in your life. The minute you run and go no contact is the minute your life begins again. If need be seek out professional help. Therapy is the best thing I did for myself. The best gift I gave to me! The abuse is so deep and overwhelming that having a professional guide you through the steps of the healing process is extremely beneficial! Just remember, there is great strength in asking for help. There is great lack and strength or no strength at all in putting on a mask and hiding behind the opinions of society and pretending that you are okay! As human beings we all witness A Time In our lives where we are not okay! Those that heal, move past, and move forward, and have a brighter future are those who ask for help and do the work that is needed through the help! I'm so sorry you are going through this and I wish you the very best! Good luck! Always remember that you are stronger than you believe you are, you are worthy and deserving of better and always, and you are enough just the way you are and who you are today! Take this time for you! Get yourself again. Fix that meal that you're all time favorite, rent that movie you've been wanting to see, have a guys night out with your best friends, remodel a room in your home, go purchase that item you've been wanting to for so long, just do for yourself! Self-acceptance, self-love, and being able to forgive yourself is far more important than what anyone else can give to you! Believe in who you are! You deserve nothing less than that! You're not alone! Feel free to tag me in any other questions that you have! I'll help if I can. Additionally you can hire a cyber expert to help you get remote access to their phone so you can track them and monitor all of their activities without them knowing. You may locate the top cyber specialists locally at Digitalinvestigate@gmail. com, where you can engage a well-trained professional to assist you..........

As a fellow therapist, one of the best descriptions of this terrible personality disorder, well done Dr. Ramani….

Infront of people he is Mr charming, Strangers tells me you have a nice quiet Man.People will never believe how he his when we are alone.I once tried to tell my mum she said iam always a Drama queen and i Was a difficult child now i understand because she is also Narc.

I once commented to my husband (now ex) that he treated his co-workers and total strangers better than he treated us (myself and two kids). He responded, “Well yes, of course.”

I am currently living this "hell on earth"! It's crushing. - ACD

A different person at home than with others. Tricksters. Exactly. Thank you.

Everyone loves my ex husband and my mother. ❤️ I wish they treated me kindly like the treated everyone else.

I don’t know if Dr. Ramani truly knows how valuable she is. Her videos have helped me out of a dark place. Im forever grateful.

It’s easy to be nice to people you won’t see much for 10 minutes. My mom always said strangers thought my dad was charming. If you can’t even fake be nice for two minutes you’ve REALLY got issues…

Our teenage daughter described it to our therapist as living with Dr Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, and we usually got the bad Mr. Hyde. Such insight from someone so young.

Lord, please protect this woman at all cost! Thank you for coming into my life Dr. Ramani 🖤🤗🙏🏾

One of the hardest parts of leaving this type of relationship is trying to convince others what you've been through when you doubt so much yourself. It's incredibly lonely. If you manage to find anyone at all that believes you, hold onto them! ❤

I have had many a nasty ride home after a family gathering, holiday, church, or office party after watching a sickening display of oozing and gushing kindness and fake compassion. I now dread the ride home because I know the trash talk is coming and the berating. I am incapable of not calling my narcissist out for it now. I have told her I’m not putting up with it anymore. Now I get extended periods of silence. That is fine with me. I enjoy the peace and quiet.

This channel helped save me from narcissistic abuse in a 4 year relationship. I am 23 now, and feel so fortunate to have gotten out before missing out on the best years of my life. Thank you so much.

I have been married 47 years. I was the confident attractive one. Over time I have become a nervous wreck. But since I have learned about Narcissistic abuse in the last year I have made real headway. I am getting on with my life. My husband is a covert narcissist therefore he hardly says anything all day; now instead of trying to make conversation I move on with my life and am working at my writing and art eventually at this late stage in my life to become successful. A narcissist won't change!!

I have NEVER heard gaslighting and narcissistic personality explained so very concisely and precisely. I wish I had resources like this in my 20s and 30s.

I really appreciate when you said that gaslighting is also what happens when people outside the relationship deny your reality. That is the most frequent type of gaslighting that I have experienced.

My mother and sister were narcissist, a lot of my boyfriends were narcissists, 75 percent of my female friends turned out to be narcissists, I just discovered the dynamic why everyone turns on me, I'm healing now

Growing up, I remember my mom getting up from the dinner table to answer the phone after berating us, and turning on the syrup faucet when talking to her customers, and my little brother innocently asking "why can't she talk to US like that?"

Thank you for sharing, you described my family upbringing perfectly 👍

Dear Dr, You have brought tears to my eyes…thank you for reminding us that we were NEVER the problem.

"Listen to them" - 100% agree. As someone with a narcissistic mother, I've seen firsthand how they can whip off their mask of warmth and sincerity faster than an uncomfortable bra once you're alone with them; but it's only when they're alone with you, so it's devastating how hard it is to convince anyone of their narcissism and it makes you look extremely petty whenever you try.

I had a narcissistic father who was the most charming and fun man outside of the home. I was told 100 times how lucky I was to have him as a father. He was charming, attentive, curious, polite, generous and funny; and amazed everyone he met (from wait staff at restaurants to dinner guests, to colleagues). When he got home, watch out... he was critical, mean, raging, abusive and sarcastic. Let me say that it really does a number on you.

34 YEARS of marriage of me and our two children watching my wife do this very thing. I call the emotional whiplash the Dr. Jeckell and Mr. Hyde syndrome. She moved out 16 months ago and my nerves have finally started to straighten out. Thank you. Dr. Ramani.

This is so dead on and I appreciate you for making a video of it. I’ve come to a point that I know longer have the energy to prove what the narcissist do. I choose to move in and away as I heal. It takes too much energy and quite honestly the disbelief of those close is hurtful. Ppl see what they want to see and if it isn’t affecting them - they believe it’s not happening. Your words were comforting. Thank you.

Yes, everyone else in my extended family thought I was an ungrateful brat for running away on the regular. No one ever bothered to ask why.

He said, You are the only one that thinks I'm a monster. Everyone else thinks I'm nice. He didn't say he was nice. He said everyone else "thinks" he's nice.

Thank you for another great video, Dr. R. For many of us (boomers) who grew up with narcissistic mothers, we had no idea what was really going on. My mother was the champion gaslighter. It took me years of therapy and of setting boundaries to get past the damage she created for our entire family. I am so grateful that we're calling this behavior out now, enabling adult kids to set boundaries to protect themselves from narcissistic parents.

My sister! Dumps her rage on people and then when her anxiety has gone and she feels better, butter would not melt in her mouth. She's completely charming.

Charming outside, cruel at home. I thought I was losing my mind. I had so many questions. Thanks for all you do Dr Ramani. Knowledge indeed is power.

Recently I read a definition of privilege as, "thinking that something isn't a problem because it isn't a problem for you personally." All my friends had the privilege of only knowing my ex partner superficially, and our mutual friends all thought he was great. None of them were interested in how damaging his private world with me had been because they couldn't even imagine it. Your video explains this dynamic so comprehensively. Thank you.

My entire childhood with my mom... When people disappeared, so did her charm mostly. I got the emotional abuse instead or when she lashed out because she was upset. She was codependent on her own child. And when she decided to get codependent on a bigger narcissist, i got sacrificed along with my fiance too. Only, everyone saw his abuse. They saw her being abused. And she wanted to be abused. She kept going back. And she didnt stop him from threatening our lives. She joined in and helped assault my fiance. Thats just not how a person with maternal instincts act. Ive showed more empathy for my ESA animal than shes shown me my whole life.

You literally are reading my mind and my situation, it’s crazy. This is exactly how it is…you have mentioned everything I’m going through. And the anxiety is so so real, I got stomach problems and IBS because of it was so traumatic. My soon ex would say “what you feel is wrong” when I said how I feel, and I just didn’t understand that my feelings are wrong. He said it so much I started to believe. And yes was literally perfect with my whole family and strangers. But I was always doing something wrong. Thank you for vocalising something that is so hard to see clearly sometimes when you are in the thick fog of a long term relationship.

We called my mother "House devil, street angel." She was a covert narc, soft, sweet, and meek to strangers, and abusive to her family.

After my mom died, I about went crazy listening to everyone tell me what a wonderful mom I had, how lucky I was to have been raised by such an amazing person, blah, blah, blah. I couldn't believe we were talking about the same person.

Im glad one of your old videos said to never confront them. Helped me a ton!!!!!

Your way of describing things is so clear. Thank you for putting your voice out there for the rest of us.

Outside the house my ex monster charmed everyone, cut the grass for the elderly neighbor, went to the store for people ( he told me to go by myself when I needed to go the hospital) and was just so “nice” to everyone. As soon as we got in the car he would change, gave me the silent treatment or would pull me apart. To see someone change so much is unnerving to say the least. People would say “He is such a great guy.” I’d be dying inside. Eventually I’d say “No, he’s not.” It was amazing how many people told me they could tell he was nasty. Away from him now and trying to get well.

When I divorced my ex, everyone was so surprised. Most of our friends saying, “we thought you guys had the perfect marriage.” Behind closed doors is so true!!

Omg!!!! Thank you, thank you, thank you 🙏🏾.... This explains so much. I grew up in a household with people like that. I am 50 years old and my soul has scars because of everything that happened.

Dr. Ramani, out of all the wonderfully insightful, incredibly helpful videos of yours I have seen this is the one that totally incapsulates what I experienced growing up and in later disastrous relationships with two narcissists. I can never thank you enough for all the help your videos (and having a good therapist) have given me.

This dynamic also highlights that feeling of being starved of kindness and affection. It doubles down on the dichotomy, and it hurts ever so much more. It feels like abandonment.

Additionally, they want you to feel that they are actually wonderful people, and they're only mean to you because you're so icky.

Omg. You’re explaining my childhood and my mother!!! I would be so confused because she would shift the mood of the house as soon as no outsiders were around. I expended so much energy trying to figure out what we kids were doing wrong. It wasn’t until I was a teenager that I began to realize nothing we ever did would be the right thing, unless it was the golden child. He could do no wrong.

The car ride home… exactly right! A decade at the same church… my ex would go to sing before service, then not hear a word from the pastor, often she’d start fighting about Exactly what the pastor preached about, ‘no fear of future, etc’ and then she’d scream at me all the way home about everything she just ignored the pastor preach about. My son was suicidal by High School. 😢 He’s still healing.

When my son was three he used to lock the door when my husband came home. Then lay in front of it yelling, “I don’t like you daddy, go away!” It broke my heart, now I know he knew in his gut who his father really was.