Great topic. I have a party coming up at my ex sister in laws - she is in (at least by appearances) a different socioeconomic class. I know when I go to this fancy party, others will be wearing shoes that cost more than my entire outfit - coifed by professionals. I will turn up short and chubby with almost feral curly hair. There will be moments when I feel inadequate. But I can’t even begin to try to keep up without causing myself financial issues later. I’ve been considering this for a little while and how to manage it, as I would like to go. They are nice people and I miss my niece. So I’ve decided to turn up ( compete with feral hair) with my most authentic, warm, and considerate self. To not look at the guests clothing but to look for their heats, to look for areas where a kind word or action will fill their cup a little. For all I know - they may feel trapped in a gilded cage. I can’t offer the latest posh accessories or silky soft hair - but I can offer warmth, love, and generosity of spirit.
I am always embarrassed by the amount of items I donate or discard. Sadly I really 'bought-in' to consumerism. I am on my way to recovery thanks to this channel and several others.
Two years ago I did damage to my right hip. I did physical therapy and started walking which is my usual exercise. One of the things I did in physical therapy was to walk backwards on the treadmill. I discovered in my local park that there was a hill that goes up gradually and out of the park. I decided to start walking backwards up the hill every time I got to it. I noticed that I could tell I was using different muscles and it helped my balanced. One day as I was going up the hill, someone I knew teased me about. At first I was embarrassed and then I realized, I was doing something that benefited me and was keeping me from having surgery and helping keep arthritis away. I no longer cared what anyone thought and it is now such a habit, that it's normal for me.
The truly sad thing is when this embarrassment discourages us from doing good. I can remember as a young married woman not wanting to invite people from our church to our house as they all seemed to have nicer homes and furniture.
So much of what you share here is true, even into the adult years. Many years ago, I attended the Christmas party for the Labor and Delivery unit nurses. It was a rare time that I wasn't working. Since it was a Christmas party, I wore a red dress. When I arrived every other lady with whom I worked was wearing black. I felt like I had missed a memo. Also, as a single person, I attended alone. While sitting next to a "friend" with whom I had worked many nights and her husband, they literally turned their back on me to converse. I got up and left without any notice. It was a rather lonely night and caused me to evaluate my "work relationships." It was strange to be a sore, red thumb in that sea of black that night.
I'm sure you looked perfectly festive + shame on them for not including you. Sometimes I'm saddened by fellow man. I'm sending you a hug from Perth Australia 👋☀️
It's not just physical things that we can be embarrassed by. I remember being embarrassed by my dad's profession--he was a lineman for AT&T/Ma Bell all the time I was growing up. (And beyond; he retired from there the day the company was split up in, I think, 1986.) But more importantly, I have been embarrassed until very recently, by my own profession. I am an administrative assistant. I have never been a manager and never will be. I will always be told what to do at work. I won't ever supervise anyone. I am an assistant. That's the way it is--and I am finally, at long last, content with it. Would I like to make more money? Sure. But I am unwilling, if I was offered the opportunity, to work those insane hours, the nights the weekends, or to have to own a smartphone and get work calls on it all the time, to have to kiss a lot of corporate (or in my case, educational) ass and pretend that everything my bosses want or think of is a *great* idea. Nope, for me, less money, more freedom. I spend all my hours, other than those 40 looking at, being with and enjoying myself and the people, events, passions, interests I include in it. So I will say it again: I am a damn good administrative assistant at a college but when I leave there I am the fun, interested and interesting and vibrant person I want to be. Who wants to know me?
Loved this!!! I’m the same way. My coworkers say I have potential to be a supervisor at work. But my freedom, less stress and family time is way more important than being call a Supervisor. Sure I can make more money, but that’s when I put things on balance and see what’s more important as of NOW.
It's all about balance. I sometimes wish my work were more interesting but there isn't room for that at my workplace without giving up space in my mind and taking time away from my personal life. My free time is spent with family, friends and volunteering. I love spending time with seniors and animals. At work I am free to do my job, leaving it behind at the end of the day. Your father probably felt that same freedom. Being outdoors up on the lines sounds great.
You are so right, Nan. There are choices. More money and responsibility means more time, more energy and more involvement with work than I want to choose. Unless you inherit money or somehow win/get some, it is what one earns. What one earns is directly proportional to the amount of one's life one gives the employer. For the most part it is a balance.
I don't personally feel embarrassed any more by things, clothing or brands etc that I don't have. I don't compare myself to others as I am in my early 40s. As a kid through school from age 10+ I was seriously verbally bullied by others who had money saying "my clothes were always from a skip' as they were used and not branded. Then I got bullied by doing a paper round to earn my own money - being called" tramp". Yes it was mainly the boys throughout my education that made me feel worthless even though my mum was a single parent with 3 kids. Now I have a toddler and he is still compared by others. Not so much brands but quality of clothing and how he is dressed. A thin coat is a sign of "neglect" and second hand clothing is still frowned upon not by my parent friends but from nursery, and Preschools etc. They will look down if you tell them you live in a one bed apartment, so I feel I need to provide the best clothing so he seems "cared for". I dare say by the time he gets to age 10 it will once again be his peer group who judge him so I know that I she put money aside for him then. It's a viscous cycle - comparison, peer pressure and the need to fit in and not be embarrassed. I wish more people would share your sentiments. Thank you for sharing
I honestly think it's the area you live in. My parent friends, or the parent friends I've come across in my life have never given any judgement towards anything. I have poor friends who get everything second hand and they are never judged! I have a mum friend who is in her 40's who is still renting, so what? Who cares as long as she is doing well! I can take my kid to his kindergarten with dirty clothes, and the teachers would be understanding with no judgement because they understand my super busy day to day life.
@@19xxmichelle wow, that's fantastic. Would you get comments if dropped your kids off to nursery in Pjs. Even if the kids were dressed, clean, happy and bought a bag with pack lunch etc. Over here in the UK it enda up on the news or in social media saying you're a rubbish mum. I've not been criticised by any parent friends here for using second hand clothing, but I've had staff at nursery say "messy clothes for messy activities are fine but they get changed into them- implying the clothes are no good. I always get comments about living in a 1 bedroom flat with my little boy sharing our bedroom. I've heard staff say" what area do you live in". When I was around 12 my mum went into school as someone in my class stole my expensive new graphic drawing set and trainers. They said "where do you live please?". My mum said what's that got to do with anything. The member of staff they said "well people that live on their estate have nothing so you're lucky and should be able to buy them again. We wouldn't take the trainers etc off them as you have more*. Mum was a single pair with 3 kids and 4 kobs struggling to pay the bills and mortgage. I think some people throw around the words "neglect and child services to have your children removed from you". It sounds wonderful where you are. I don't get upset by odd comments but I do feel pressure to get new reduced clothes etc to avoid comments and other staff saying "bless him.... He has nothing". I think being a parent is so much more. If you're renting it really shouldn't matter. At least you are putting a safe roof over their heads. Wish I lived where you live. Sounds more supportive and friendly/ non judgemental. Thanks for sharing
This brings to mind a simple, yet profound phrase I was given years ago that changed my life - truly! It is … “what do you have to prove?” That’s it. That’s all it took for me to stand outside myself to look at my life … materially, economically, spiritually and on and on. What do I have to prove … nothing. What does anyone need to prove … absolutely nothing. Liberating and insightful. I’m deeply, deeply grateful I was exposed to this phrase and I still ask myself this questions when I find myself struggling with “the “American way” … buy, replace, buy, replace - and/or what others say or what I THINK others might say or think. Life changing.
I would do well to remember to compare myself to Jesus, (who was homeless during his ministry, and poor by any standard) instead of to my wealthy friends and relatives. There are many dire warnings to rich people in the New Testament, and thinking on those things instead of on "looking cool" helps me keep perspective. Well, I'm working on it, anyway. :D Thank you, Joshua!
Excellent content as always. I sometimes feel self-conscious of wearing the same things over and over. This video reminds me of all that I can do in terms of time and money by not consuming more clothes. Many thanks!
I love this video, so very insightful and interesting. This reminds me of recently having my 2007 Honda Civic detailed at a high quality shop. The owner, a nice but candid guy said, we really don’t detail cars like this. I told him “I get it,” but I plan to drive this car at least another five years and I just want it to look as good as possible. I’m not embarrassed to drive an older car, I bought it new in Feb. 2007. He relented and it looks very good. But I know I’m not impressing anyone driving it. The feeling of being embarrassed and out of place in clothes story is quite illustrative of this tendency. I like to dress well and stylish but in a classic minimalist way. You don’t have to spend a lot of money to look nice. I will wear a suit to an event if appropriate but I’d probably feel awkward arriving somewhere when I didn’t realize it was a formal or semi-formal event. I experienced the glasses thing in school as a kid too. Thanks Joshua, this is an interesting video and thought provoking. I used to think a big house and fancy car was important. But I own a fairly new modest 1400 sq. ft. Townhouse outright and it suits me very well. Sometimes I find myself valuing the wrong things but later realize I’m happier living comfortably within my means and that is way more important than pursuing things for all the wrong reasons. I’m profoundly grateful for everything I have, in a secular way. And feeling that gratitude and being generous in giving are more satisfying than anything else I could imagine.
I drive a 2006 Ford Explorer Limited I bought in November 2005. It is my baby. It just rolled 70,000 miles, so I obviously don't drive much. We had company last week and when inside it a guest asked if we had just gotten it as it was so clean. I don't need newer or best. I love my old SUV.
This me reminds me of a friend who works for a financial company. He's been with the same company for 20+ years and his car is always the oldest one in the parking lot, not because he can't afford a new one, but because he's a smart guy. Hats off to you.
Based on my experience, people who always drive brand new cars are in debt or they do long term leasing and spend an incredible amount of money to impress people they don't really care about. I drive a 2008 Toyota Corolla and I'm absolutely fine with it.
Spot on! Yes, more people need to watch this video.. a simplified way to teach the essence of self esteem.. on how to be comfortable in ones own skin, ones own lifestyle.. in a subtle way that minimalism can be the the core of it all.
I am the Great Borbin. I can never be outdone. I am perfect with my same uniform outfit I wear 10 items 90% of the time. I am satisfied with the proper balance of things.
Hi Joshua, I almost finished listening to your new book on Audible. I have to say it is as excellent as your you tube videos 😍 So to the point, clear, very well written and most of all full of wisdom. It definitely is one of those books I will be returning to time and time again. Thank you so much for taking the time to write and also to create a RU-vid content for us!
Every time you mention your daughters name my “Alexa” just thought “she” was being summoned as I just watched this video. “Hmmmm not sure I understand”.. ok robot on my kitchen countertop. Thanks for reminding me of the INSANE amount of luxury I actually live in!! Thank you Joshua Becker for reminding us. Let’s all make the most of what we do have and smile with pride as we share our lives with others, even the ones who seem to “have more” than us. No matter how much money or style people have, our individual selves alllllll have something no one else has. And it’s up to us to rejoice in every aspect of abundance we live in, even while we do have unmet needs at times, and never ever hide in embrassement. I really do think all that hiding we do prevents everyone from living a fuller happier life of connection. Embarrassment and shame causes us to be distant and alone in so many subtle avoidable ways!! Thank you again. What a great reminder. Keep sowing those good seeds into our awesome glorious brains.
I embarrassed about the amount of emotional shopping I've done. I have finally decluttered my home and took the hit by donating most of it. (Lesson learned) I embarrassed about the weight I've gained during covid and not being able to fit into my old wardrobe. (Trying to get back on track with my health)
I bought my book using a gift card from my end of the year class! Excited to have you sign it in Atlanta this summer! Yes I get embarrassed if I have excess of anything! Even packing up my class I have a ton away to students at the ywco after school! The joy from them getting extra stickers, markers, games, paper, bubbles etc was so fun! It only took me 5 hours to box my entire classroom and I did not start until every kid was gone. Most took 12 hours to pack over days, I took one
I'm 36. I went all the way to L.A. California to do my hair before going back to work in San Francisco. I was rushed to pick a style and even though it looks nice and everyone who see me tells me how pretty I look, I'm still embarrassed about it. I know no one cares about my looks, the adult brain knows it's silly for me to be embarrassed, BUT that 12 year old side of me that wants to look a certain way 100% of the time is just too embarrassed to even go outside unless I have to. It's nuts I know this, yet I'm still embarrassed about it. Hopefully your son learns sooner than I did that it doesn't really matter because everyone is too busy looking inward at themselves to really notice others🖤
Raised as a Quaker, I actually do feel embarrassed at how many nice things my family owns. This despite the fact that we have lived well below our means for 25 years. We’re in the process of downsizing to move to a townhome half the size of our house, now that we’re empty-nesters. Your book The Minimalist Home is helping me make decisions on what to keep and what to pass on to a more appropriate home 😊❤️💐
An older woman gave me a good piece of advice. We were both standing at a bathroom counter, looking in the mirror, putting on lipstick etc, and this was at a real fancy place. Even the bathroom was fancy! I was comparing my more humble outfit with other people,fretting and too much with my hair etc. She took both my hands and said to me, “never worry about how you look when around other people. Women are usually only worried about how they look themselves, and men don’t care”. It’s been handy advice and proven true. Nobody ever remembers what someone else was wearing.
So good! My mother always wants to conform to what society thinks. Which car she drives, how the house looks etc. It's making her go more into depth and we barely have food at the end of each month (only because I pay for the food at the end of the month do we eat). I'm getting married in 3 months and will move out, so she won't have me anymore. I am worried for her and my sisters
I love this. I definitely do this with most things. I feel like even though I do own a newer vehicle, that it isn't clean enough. I own my own home but it's always a mess, desperately needs work/upgrades. Most of my clothes are brand names but hand-me-downs. For the most part, I am content with these things until it comes time to invite others into my world and I suddenly become self conscious.
I can totally relate to this topic. I am 70 years old and have been a single parent raise my children no grown by myself. I own my own very modest home and have for many years while I was raising my children. One of my daughters and my teenage grandchildren live one hour away from me. When I pop in my old car and drive is the hour to visit them I am very uncomfortable and their Circle because the brands of clothing that I wear which I get from a thrift store is very low and quality compared to the high-end clothing and cars and homes in their circles.
Great video. We have some friends that are very well off who live in the nice part of town. They want to hang out with my family at our place but we live in a poor neighborhood and have a super tiny home. I’m embarrassed at the thought of them coming over
That's such a simple topic but something so overlooked. Although i try to be myself and the way I am around everyone else, but I too fall into being embarrassed by some of the things mentioned here. Like, small house, old shoes, less expensive clothes n jewelry, career choice...
You speak the truth, in ways I really need to hear. I never want to wear or use anything that has a brand emblazoned on it. I know people who refer to their belongings as the brand. Makes me cwazy. I call my car, "the car." Good enough. lol.
interesting, thank you for your messages, the weigh of norms even in life choices as adult still are in fact, the kind of work we choose to do, life style etc.. i love your essentialism 🙏🌟☺️
'If you are ever tempted to look for outside approval, realise that you have compromised your integrity. If you need a witness, be your own.' - Epictedious without Epic is just tedious! 😜
I went to 3 weddings of a Drs. children that I worked for. I was amongst drs., nurses, & other professionals. I was a housekeeper. I fit right in, didn't have a problem, had a great time. People shouldn't feel like they're better or worse than others because of money.
What if we didn't compare ourselves to others. That is conditioning by society whose morals, values, consumption are totally askew. Making the best of being yourself, complete in what God created, is the best you can be 👌
Look into using reading glasses vs prescription glasses - especially for up close reading & watching. I was able to reverse my nearsightedness & not need prescription glasses at a young age. 'The myopia myth' pointed me in this direction.
¡So good this reflexion! We should be embarraseed to see more and more people going poor, seeing people on streets, homeless and that beacame the new normal. Be thakfull for the good life you have every day.
Maybe giving to shelters etc for stray and abused animals with the money we wouldn't use for prestige or keeping up with the Jonesses. We could help the sick, the poverty stricken etc. Any helpful cause would help than catering to our egos!
Awesome video once again. A subject that is challenging as peers opinions mean more than what really matters. No wonder families struggle so and in debt. Interesting after the young adults leave home we are still paying off the debt. These are trying times. We only have today, making a difference, choice and budgeting vital. Thank you once again for doing what you are doing, gratitude.🙏👍
