Hello Subscribers: Thank you for checking out my videos and posting such thoughtful comments. It's inspiring to read your self-reflections and insights. I love how we grow from each other's sharing. One thing I have learned after years of reading comments is that we are not alone. Many of us have the same experiences when it comes to relationships. We are all trying to make sense of attachment trauma and learn better skills of relating. Great job everyone - keep going and keep learning! As I'm sure you can understand, I'm not able to respond to all the comments and questions here on RU-vid. I know this can be disappointing sometimes. Please forgive me. It is challenging to find the time for the careful consideration that is needed in order to respond to your heartfelt reflections. Even so, your vulnerability shines through. I know behind each comment is a real person with real feelings who's hurting or who’s reporting a triumph. I know you are doing the best you can while trying to make sense of life’s suffering. We are all grappling with what it means to be human. I’m sorry that I’m not always able to respond to your comments directly. That being said, I'm sharing this post to offer you a few resources in an attempt for us to stay connected. Keep in mind that I do read most comments here on RU-vid. Your words are received. I review comments daily, which serves as a way to organize content for future videos. If you have a question or an idea for a video that you think is important to explore when it comes to learning about relationships and healing attachment trauma, then I want to hear about it. Please submit your questions and ideas here: www.alanrobarge.com/questions ____ Many of us want to know how to heal, how to change, how to be more secure in our relationships. This is why I created the course The Four Attachment Distress Responses. Many of our behaviors in relationships are habitual - meaning we act out of autopilot. Our autopilot Response comes from past conditioning of negative experiences. When attachment injuries go unaddressed, we become insecure in our relationships. The Four Attachment Distress Responses Course describes each specific type of guardedness, which is how we try to protect ourselves from getting hurt again, while also attempting to get our attachment needs met. While we cannot change the past, we can change how we respond in the moment and in the future. This course offers you insights and tools as new ways to respond in your relationships. The Four Responses are Poking, Running, Hiding, and Submitting. You’re invited to take the quiz to learn more about your Response. Take The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz ____ I created an 8-week program and membership community based on the guiding principle of Self-Directed Healing Work #selfhealers that I want to share with you. The community is called Improve Your Relationships. The focus is about healing attachment injuries in the context of relationship repair in all areas of our lives. When we look at the big picture of how attachment injuries and attachment trauma occurred in our lives, we are able to begin seeing our relationship choices from a whole new perspective. We gain access to inner resources that shift how we relate and respond to old hurts. It's a process. It's layered. It requires commitment. This is what the community is all about - committing to your healing work. You are invited to join us. The community members are kind and supportive. We are an established group. The feedback and testimonials have been overwhelmingly positive. Please check out the link for more information: www.alanrobarge.com/community ____ Also, in addition to checking out my course and/or joining us in the Community, please consider becoming a Sustaining Supporter by making a financial contribution. Your contribution helps guarantee continued quality and accessible content. If you benefit from my videos and want to show your support for the value offered, then please make a donation: www.alanrobarge.com/donate ____ Thank you for being a channel subscriber and watching my videos. And remember, we invest in our healing work because “Emotional Connections Matter!” Best regards, Alan Robarge Attachment-Focused Psychotherapist www.alanrobarge.com/
THANKS EVER SO MUCH FOR THE RESPONSE. SOMETHING YOU TYPED...COMMENTS DAILY, SERVE AS CONTENT FOR FUTURE VIDEOS. "THOUGHTFUL" FOR PERHAPS IT IS DAILY THE CIRCUMSTANCE OF ACTUALLY BEING HURT OR HEALING FROM THOSE "HURTS" IS SO MUCH A DAILY PROCESS ( NOT FIGURATIVELY THINKING OR SPECIFYING) MAYBE AS ADULTS DO AGE DAILY, THEY MAKE READING & WRITING LESS A PRIORITY...OH THAT'S GRADE-SCHOOL/ KID STUFF! A NICE THICK WORKBOOK (INCLUDING A MENTAL & PHYSICAL WORKOUT LAYOUT) MIGHT INDEED GET THE SURVIVAL MODE REVVED UP. KEEPING THE ADULTS FOCUSED ON NOT ALWAYS RESULTING TO/IN SPONTANEOUSLY CHILDISH BEHAVIOR IN HANDLING REAL-LIFE OCCURRENCES . EMOTIONS CAN TAKE ONE IN SUCH UNRESTRICTED DIRECTIONS REAL-FAST ABOUT "FEELINGS" FOR BECAUSE PERHAPS FEELINGS ARE...PERSONAL AND CLOSE & UNTIDY IN THE HEART OR & MIND. VIDEO PROVIDES THE ACCESS TO ANOTHER ACTUAL PERSON(S) WHO'S PRESENTING THEMSELVES AS A SOURCE OF "SUPPORT" IN LIFE'S STRUGGLES AND DISAPPOINTMENTS . THE WORKBOOK PROVIDES A REFRESHER AND REFLECTIVE APPROACH FOR ONE TO ACCESS THEIR PERSONAL GROWTH IN DATA AND CHARTING THAT DATA. ALL WHICH HELPS OUT TREMENDOUSLY WHILE TRYING TO MAINTAIN ADEQUATE ADULT VEIWS & RESPONSES TO OTHER SITUATIONS OR EVEN PARENTING PARTICULARS. AGAIN, THANK YOU, FOR RESPONDING TO THE COMMENT .
What a convoluted mess of a marriage. The partner that emotionally withholds connection triggers a feeling of insecurity in the partner who desires and needs it. Therefore, she/he feels unloved and tries to escape the "uncomfortableness" of this feeling through making her partner feel responsible and thus inadequate. Now, they both feel unsafe with each other and it becomes a power struggle. There can be no real communication and certainly no resolution because they're equally wounded and mistrustful of the other and, both are clearly in survival mode. Chances are the partner who feels starved of connection will most likely suggest seeking therapy and IF the other partner initially agrees, it won't last long because the moment the emotionally closed-off partner feels pressured, (now, by the counselor) to be more expressive...he feels coerced and all bets are off. Both partners crawl off to their lonely, dark corners to lick their wounds and fester their resentment toward the other. If they have children, the emotionally needy partner will try to fill the void and hold the family dynamic together by distracting herself with their activities and placating herself with her children's love and attention. She may self-sooth by finding an enjoyable hobby and cultivating friendships. He's grateful the focus is off of him but never once considers looking at ways he could grow or improve emotionally. The relationship appears to work on the surface, but the partners become grossly disconnected, secretly bitter and highly disinterested in each other. They're simply roommates who smile to get along and hide the pain. The daily grind offers some relief as the years go by but eventually, the kids grow on, the house quiets and all that's left are two mortally wounded, disillusioned, burned out people who have so long ago forgotten any real meaning in life, that they don't even recognize themselves in the mirror anymore. Time wasted, minds f*cked.
Exactly, it's time for me to get out. in my life, this is the first time I've ever even considered living alone. I'm not saying it's a bad thing. Im saying, I'm so fed up, I don't care about being alone anymore. I'm so tired and want nothing to do with this roommate friendship anymore. I just want peace, and if I never find Mr. Right... that's ok because I'm tired of looking for him.
thank you for writing this... been reading many explanation abt this dynamic but yours is precisely described how this kind of relationship could happened. I hope many people can read this and find the light from a confusing relationship. It is ok that we need emotional "connection", it is normal. Sending hug for everyone who is seeking for "the light"🤗
You nailed as is exactly what I have been going through for the last 16 years, staying for kids and lost hope for meaningful relationship . I know is my choice but I also have trauma from the past and thought of leaving my house just terrifies me and puts me into ptsd …. Just venting
I have learned not to say anything because I would either get attacked or ignored; therefore, as a result I am losing attraction and desire for this person and constant dissatisfaction with the situation. It may not be healthy on my part, however this person is dismissive avoidant which is resulting in my falling out of love. If you are unhappy w someone, and conscious you may be somewhat codependent, it does not prevent us from falling out of love. I may be damaged but my partner is worse. Others have met my needs; therefore I know it is possible.
It becomes harder to let go of an emotionally unavailable person when they pretended to be “normal” for a long time and we become attached to them, by the time their true colors start to show, we already have built (what we thought was) a relationship with them. It’s difficult to detach once you’re to that point, and makes it so painful because they’re finally letting you know they aren’t the person they pretended to be. This is what happened to me. I fell in love with a ghost, just a Spector of who he pretended to be. It’s devastating to know you fell in love with an act, not a person.
Same here. Mine is dismissive avoidant and they literally don’t know what to do with emotional connection or emotional intimacy. I am normal. However, it’s very hard to maintain secure attachments with an avoidant.
Sir, you make me feel like the dumbest, meanest, most selfish looser in the world, at times, and I can't express just how grateful I am for being shown this and how bad I been screwing up. You have proved me wrong multiple times and told me how it actually is. While watching your videos, often times I feel like you are reading my biography. You are so clear and make complete sense. The information I learned from you is priceless and I thank you from the bottom of my heart! Have a great day sir!
And add some compassion in there for yourself. We're all on a learning curve. It's wonderful you get to experiment with doing something a little differently now. Good for you to have the courage and openness to see the patterns that no longer serve you. Keep at it!
This video is truly a gift. Thank you so much. I plan to watch as much of you as I can because this information is pure gold and I don't think I would have received it anywhere else. You're saving lives. And I've only seen two of your videos.
That's exactly how I feel watching it, except I don't feel I'm dump 😅 I feel like finally someone gets me, and this is were I can start heal, and that there are loads of us in the same boat
This channel is a gold mine for gaining greater self-awareness & insight in order to heal our attachment wounds. Thank you for your support in this sometimes tumultuous journey!
I believe it is perfectly normal to express to your partner the level of discontent. It is not ok to start blaming them, however to express the level of distress is a must. And that is the beginning to where the partner will either open up or shut down even more. I grew up in this particular dynamic and that showed me truth about our relationship. To try to change the person we should not however to express to them- completely and honestly what we feel is the starting point. Don't shut yourself down for the sake of the relationship because it wont' last anyway, be honest and always. Another words, own frequency must meet same frequency otherwise there will always be a conflict. We can't temper with the ways universe works.
I have never heard anything more accurate. Thank you. I've been in no contact for 5 and a half weeks. Part of me wants to send him this video. But I don't know if I should. I really miss him. But I don't miss the anxiety of wanting more from him.
I'm in the same boat. I personally don't feel that I was asking a lot by needing emotional support, BUT I do feel that I could've been more compassionate to his inability to provide it. I do feel a bit of pang of guilt about that. For as much as we were compatible with every that was a big one that we weren't. So I get that for as much as I miss him and want to reach out I don't miss feeling guilty about possibly overwhelming him/giving him anxiety anytime I asked for anything (even simple things like, I had a bad day and I just want to call you and tell you about it). Am I asking for too much or too little?
Kel did he break up with you? If so remain in no contact. He knows what you want and if he wants that too, and you relationship was good, you may hear from him eventually. If not then he wasn’t worth your time to begin with. If you broke up with him and believe you can accept that he may not be able to give you what you want (even if you ask nicely) then contact him and have the talk. It’s really about being true to yourself about what you want for yourself. I always say that being true to yourself is the hardest thing in life to do, but it gets easier the more you do it. Just my 2 cents. I’m no expert but am going through something very similar. We’ll get through it!
Why would anyone dislike this video? There’s nothing to dislike. He hits the nail on the head and knows exactly what he’s talking about. I love these videos!
Alan..Your videos are extraordinary..I have been in therapy for a long time but never has anyone said things the way you do.It is both wise and restorative....
Wish I had you 20 yrs ago! Great video with the full 360 view from defining the issue to offering us a path forward. Thank you for adding info about how to handle this in a healthy way. So good to have skill building information. Thank you Alan so very much!
I am a highly sensitive person and I really appreciate your work! It’s challenging to put this into words but you do it so well. I’m ready to put the work into my own healing! Thank you!
I say bye, bye to someone like this. I don't expect what they can't give, I just want more and if I don't feel that the other person is doing or sharing in a healthy way after trying to communicate this to them, I am moving down the highway. Done. No more. Years later, you see they are the same person they always were, no growth what so ever. Forget it, you did the right thing by moving on with your life without them in it. Stop the madness already and that is exactly what it is, madness.
absolutely. That's what I decided to do with mine. Oh I didn't want to, she basically forced me to. She's like can't we be friend? (I'm wondering...you think we're friends?!?! this is how you treat a friend?)
A-mazing! This is so accurate...and helpful! I am recovering from 12 years in this "grid lock" .... Your description here allows me to have so much more compassion for myself, and my ex partner, as we separate our lives.
Thank you! I never realized I was doing this! You explained it in a way that made me understand what I was doing. Everything you said is me. I can now work on my hypersensitivity and be stable. At 52 it is about time!❤
I started watching your videos a year ago after getting out of a very emotionally abusive relationship of 20 years. They have changed my life tremendously. After the relationship ended, I didn't care about what was wrong with. I wanted to know why I was in an abusive relationship for so long. Your videos helped me answer that and even change that. Thank you!
Hello. You are welcome. That's great news. It takes hard work and time to change old relationship patterns. Good for you. I am glad that you benefit from the ongoing efforts of the free content and videos that I created. A lot of work went into offering these resources. To show your support, please consider joining us in the membership community. Supporting the work makes it possible to continue to create new material and new videos. Maintaining a Facebook page, RU-vid channel, and other social outlets in order to spread the word about improving relationships takes a lot of time and energy. If you would like to contribute, you can join us at www.alanrobarge.com/community Thank you.
Genius! If your goal was to help people, my friend, you have succeeded. Please don't stop there though. I'm on marriage #3. I knew I had problems. Was guessing I couldn't feel love or was wanting too much, (really just wanted a bandaid on my boo boo's) when a search brought up this video. I believe I drove good women to drink, and all I wanted was to be loved. I listened, served, spent time, remembered details, asked questions and expressed my feelings. I made small simple requests, then some pleading, then begging, then shouting for help. All while still showing my love in ways she asked for. The pain was/is unbearable! To be told, "I don't want to help you, because I don't WANT to" screams, "I hate you!" I'm my love language. You got me dead to rights. You nailed it. You're a wizard! Still looking for solutions to help me work on me. In the mean time, I'm picking up old hobbies, tinkering, finding good social outlets, and trying hard to be civil and stay in this marriage. It's worth it. Thanks.
This is probably the most eye-opening video I have ever watched. I have done all of this and I could not understand why it never worked. I never even once thought that I was in the wrong. Both people must put in an effort and meet in the middle in order for it to work out. I was debating on blaming him for not giving enough attention and 'punishing' him for it by ignoring him, but now I see that this will only push him farther away. My mind is honestly blown. Thank you for this video!
My ex gf ( just broke up) was emotionally avoidant and not wanting physical intimacy with me. I thought I would try to understand her and make her feel my love and affection will change her but no she won’t and I told her how I feel she just completely ignored me and pretend nothing happened and I got even angrier . I don’t see how this will work if I Don get any emotional connection or affection from my partner. I can work on myself but still she was the wrong person for me . I think these type will always be in toxic relationships or in relationship without love
This is brilliant. 36 years old and only recently learning these incredibly important skills. I hope it's not too late for me to have a healthy relationship.
OUCH!!!!!! You stepped on my toes so hard, I had to pause the video several times to take snack breaks just to be able to digest the material. Thank you so much for such brutal honesty. I am looking forward to watching more of your videos. I have indeed subscribed to your channel. Thanks again.
Tiffany, Thank you for valuing my material. I’m glad this resonates with you. The solution to healing attachment injuries is to do our healing work. There is not a simple, quick-fix answer. Emotional, Relational, Developmental Healing Work is dynamic and has many chapters depending on our individual needs. The areas of focus I suggest are exploring Attachment Trauma, Emotional Attunement, Family Patterns, Boundaries and Sense of Self, Shame and Self-Worth, Longing and Loneliness, Reality Distortion, Grieving and Grieving Skills. These are the areas that inform the design of the membership community I created, Improve Your Relationships. You are invited to join other like-minded learners who value mapping out a plan of self-directed healing and want to share their insights with others. We are a kind, supportive group of folks committed to changing old patterns of relating. The kind of question you asked here is the type of question we explore in the community. Please know you are welcome to be part of the community. You can learn more and register here: www.alanrobarge.com/community
Im listening this at work tearing up thanks man ....not compatible and no need to angry ...self reflect and not more protesting ...u get more with sugar than vinegar and no more rigged thinking
Nice to hear you deeply resonated with this video. Glad it tapped into some emotion for you. I'm reminded of how feeling feelings help us find clarity. Thanks for commenting. If you are not subscribed to the channel, please do. Also let your friends know about this video. Thanks.
I get this, it makes a lot of sense, thank you. My question is around the moment of the trigger, what steps can I take to soothe myself? When my partner withdrew emotionally or rejected intimacy, it was so painful it felt like something impaled my chest. And so just knowing that I should take responsibility for that pain and soothe it myself doesn’t change anything, I’m in such pain that all I want is relief from it and so there isn’t logic at that moment, and the easiest source of relief seems to be from intimacy from my partner. What are practical things I can do to soothe myself and my inner child myself in those moments? All semblance of knowledge and logic disappears and so I’m asking about practical action steps which can be taken in those exact moments. Because even in a good relationship, there’ll be some times when your partner isn’t as present emotionally as you’d like in a given moment. And if you have an anxious attachment style, that’ll be a trigger. How does one soothe oneself in that moment?
This is the question that needs answering. The trigger moment & feeling the withdrawal & rejection as if something has impaled your chest, what do you do right there & then? The moment you fall off that cliff, how do you get back up. 31 years into my relationship & I have yet to figure that one out.
I appreciate the kind words. Thank you for valuing my effort. It has taken me years of study and healing process to uncover and explain these dynamics in a way that is accessible. Glad it brings you benefit. If you like this video then you may also like the course, The Four Attachment Distress Responses. Take the quiz to learn more: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
How about just leaving and then working on resolving our own issues whilst alone. And one day when we are well try and find someone emotionally healthy or just stay alone.
Ella Nola triggers appear mainly in intimate relationships so when you don't have a "partner" you may be "asympthomatic" and then you meet someone and most probably this things bubble up anyways.
I do agree that after any break up, taking a few years to heal is the wise thing to do. Jumping into another relationship shortly after breaking up, is a very bad idea.
Laura Herrera I agree. Have been single for many years thought I was doing fine. Yeah right 👀 Now in a relationships, all sorts of fears pop up. It’s a wonderful way to heal if we are able to talk
It is also very possible to just know that you are an emotional person with emotional needs and you need an emotional connection with your partner without making them feel emotionally stunted. My partner felt I was demanding love when I just wanted her to hear my feelings and understand them without gaslighting me.
Mellie, thank you for that supportive feedback. I'm glad to hear my videos are helpful for you. Thank you for valuing my work. If you'd like to learn how to engage more or support the continuation of my videos check out the options below: To learn about the new course take The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz Check out the Community, Improve Your Relationships. There's a new 8-Week cycle of the program starting Monday 5/3. www.alanrobarge.com/community Make a direct donation www.alanrobarge.com/donate Thanks again for letting me know the videos are helpful.
This literally changed my life. I was in this maturation process finally, and I did it naturally trying to navigate a gridlock, awkwardness in a friendship (which was grey area). Because there was still some underlying attachments or security we were getting from each other, but likely different preferences, expectations and desires from that (mostly online sporadically over years... Due to distance... Even trickier) it was getting old and the communication would not get clear, deeper, more honest, or develop any planning. So it was stagnant, but growing again in loneliness likely in frequency. This totally helped me see my wanting to point out to him (even as a friend) these things, but he'd never let me call, but would always pop back in my sphere. It was confusing and pointless but I could never even try the softening start up because it'd be left on 'seen' or in a less than human form (ignored etc). I know they aren't mean or bad (I'm pretty sure, when they were younger a lot more cold and selfish) but that they'd grown this time (as we the same gridlock of lack of honesty or clarity) so I didn't try to push but eventually decided to 'delete' and leave. Which felt so silly and intense. But ultimately it was looping attention seeking or something seeking online. Not the best habit, for two past lovers by distance, thinking that they could relate and be 'friends' because they'd been inadvertently following and watching each other grow over the years - more on my side, because they posted less (but not even - friends because of lack of development, vulnerability, acknowledgement of past rejections/silences or a future?). I, in the end, at 26 realised I was holding on for what. Loyalty, acceptance, Buddhist non attachment compassion (yet some attachment - every relationship in earthly life has some needs). This helped me navigate the gridlock better (the other person, surely, didn't mean to make it get like this either, or to be selfish or to be mean but likely has past learnings, trauma, belief systems, perceptions of my own intensity or their lack and doesn't have the tools so goes silent). BUT comes back somehow. I don't think it was abusive or manipulative (they have other friends and fam and attributes). But communication is tricky for them clearly over the years and they have often believed it was the other persons fault/failing/issue in most cases. Maybe, maybe not unable to see their role, their fears out of shame/defensiveness/protection. So, because I'm quite into understanding and researching this these days, I decided my self worth, growing into womanhood deserved this growth now to step up myself, BY letting go properly (so they can't like or DM, and the occasional vice versa) and if I can't communicate this question or observation even gently without retraction (or 'yikes we're not going out' potential vibes), than I must just acknowledge the situation as it is by fact, assess the development, no judgement, love to both, no emotion which can be triggered, and just stop believing as you said that relationships have to last (I always wanted or prided on that, but of course, they don't!! Social media is making that trickier because people pop back in, or continue to see you and your life evolve). You are so clear, this is so understandable. Thankyou!! No games, no needing what I don't need, even in a friend for the sake of a friend. It's all good.
I think I'm experiencing something similar. I'm glad you decided to cut it off. If someone isn't going to be there for you the way you're there for them, it's not worth your time.
Nice to hear this content helped leapfrog understanding for you. Thanks for the feedback. Please also share this video with others who may benefit. Help me spread the word. Thanks.
I appreciate the feedback. Thank you for sharing my work is helpful. This also comes up in our conversations in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. You're invited to join us. www.alanrobarge.com/community
Top-notch, EXCELLENT information, Alan. Deeply insightful wisdom shared - THANK YOU. Your teachings truly help and empower me, help me set my head straight, show me directly how to bring my inner and outer worlds into aligned and peaceful balance. Being self-aware, self-honest, and self-responsible, practicing over and over, daily and forever more, how to reliably come through for oneSELF, how to dependably show up and step up for, and be intimately PRESENT with oneSELF - THAT translates to inner JOY and PEACE, LOVE that overflows from abundance and is effortlessly shared.
I appreciate the kind words. Thank you for the meaningful comment and thank you sharing my work is helpful. If this video is beneficial then you may also like to get in on the conversations in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. You're welcome to join us. www.alanrobarge.com/community
How can I trust a person who has limited emotional availability ? How should I view them, I want to see them as a good person, a person that is kind and good hearted but whenever I see evidence of their distance, it just seems like they dont care, which makes it seem like not really a good person after all.
Trust who people show you they are. Know your worth. It sounds like you’re trusting or loving someone for their potential. I was doing that too.. but if someone consistently shows you they aren’t a good person, or consistently don’t listen, or consistently show bad things, take a step back and really evaluate why you’re there. It’s a hard pill to swallow but we can’t change people, people are who they are until THEY want to change.. so if they show you they’re someone who you do not like. WALK AWAY. Value yourself above all else. I hope this helps
So very true, agree , I wasted 5 years in a relationship that wasn’t going anywhere, on and off, listening to this video have given me so much information which I don’t think I would received if I had any gone to a therapist
I've learnt how to stop protest behaviour and activation strategies... I just sit with the pain and suffer in silence. I pray and cry and wale I'm patiently wait for the pain to pass. I don't 🪧 protest. That just pushes the person away even further.
I appreciate your supportive comment. Thank you for valuing my work. If you'd like to learn how to engage more or support the continuation of my videos check out the options below: Take The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz Check out the Community, Improve Your Relationships www.alanrobarge.com/community Make a direct donation www.alanrobarge.com/donate Thanks again for letting me know my video was helpful.
Fantastic video. Completely explains what I’ve been going thru. Need to know now how to heal my attachment wounds and I how to determine if I should leave the relationship or work in it…
This is how I lost two of the past relationships and I've never felt seen, understood as you just did in this video. I have been single for the past 3 years to heal and focus in me and my issues. It eye opening to see it's all my expectation and my attachment issue that caused the relationship to fall apart. I don't really regret it, I am just glad to know that the solution is in my hand. Thank you for the insight!!
Thank you for putting my life into words. You've nailed my situation on the head with my relationship with my mother. I just noticed I commented 3 years ago that this video helped me. Clearly this is a consistent issue in my life.
Thanks for valuing the effort I put into offering explanation. Glad to hear this so deeply resonated with your relationship with your mother. Thanks for the feedback. You probably already heard about it but you may be interested in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships www.alanrobarge.com/community This is the type of content we discuss in the community. I welcome you joining us as a member.
Thank you for the supportive words. And thanks for valuing my work. This is a major topic and we need to keep this conversation going. Help me spread the word. Thanks again.
i closed my eyes to listen to this and it felt like you were speaking my thoughts verbatim... this was amazing i finally understand what’s going on in my head.. i can’t thank you enough
Jesus Christ you hit the nail on the head! Excellent empowering information on the psychobiological and attachment aspects of intimate relationships - why it goes haywire and how to get back online. Well done! Thank you
Thank you for this video. Not only were you able to name what I've been going but you e given me a new way of thinking about this issue. You've also helped me to see that my approach to dealing with it was wrong. I've learned so much. Thanks again
I appreciate the feedback. Glad to hear this video sparked a new way of thinking for you. Thank you for letting me know this video is helpful. If this content is beneficial then consider joining the Improve Your Relationships Community. There is a full library with 24/7 access, worksheets, downloads, and informational posts. The community is based on Self-Directed Healing where members are encouraged to create their own healing plans. Many find it helpful discussing healing processes with others for gaining new perspectives and insights. Check it out: www.alanrobarge.com/community
I really appreciate your videos. They're full of wisdom and give so much hope. But I just want to say to all those people who think while watching this video: "I really must have been dumb" that it takes profound insight and mental strength to catch yourself while experiencing abandonment feelings and then do "the right thing". It is not for the weak of heart and cannot be done with somebody who has no insight into their own attachment history. As a gay man I can say I have experienced attachment anxiety my whole life and didn't know it until I turned 30. I am 32 now and still trying to apply this knowledge to my dating life and it is a looooot of work, a trial and error process, for me at least. It also meant I had to take breaks from dating when I was too thin skinned and noticed that I had to grief. So it ain't easy but I have hope :-)
You nailed it on the skill level. I’m not saying I’m great but I know how to have that loving touch and caress and to be intimate. I came to realize I was the only one doing it. When I stopped I realize she didn’t have that skill. I was so loving and touching that I didn’t realize she wasn’t. And I feel you can’t tell someone to be that way if there not there not. They will feel like there walking on eggshells if there not showing you a enough attention. Just my thought.
New England Trucker, I appreciate your reflection and I’m glad this material resonates with you. If the information I offer is of benefit, then consider joining us in the membership community, Improve Your Relationships. We are a group of kind, supportive learners who want to make sense of our past relationships and learn new skills of better relating. You’re invited to join us. Here is a link for more info: www.alanrobarge.com/community
this video has been more helpful than any therapist or counselor in past years. my first thought is "goddammit....your right...." *keeps listening* im gonna try and use the advice in this video now. hope it helps my marriage :)
Man if I never needed a sign so clear right now....THIS IS IT! He said everything I was feeling and expressing to partner and at the end he said its my fault and to man up! Just what I needed to hear b/c this whole tiime I thought my ex's lack of support emotionally was on hjim. THANKS DUDE!!! LOVE YOUR VIDS!
This all boils down to one thing: LOVE YOURSELF FIRST! And lower expectations even for your loved one. Nobody is capable of loving you in the exact fashion you do, or expect to.
Thank you for valuing my material and for seeing my efforts. Help me spread the word by sharing it via Instagram, Facebook, or twitter. It's important that we all keep talking about relationships.
I appreciate the kind words. Glad to hear this is helpful for you. Thanks for valuing my efforts. If you'd like to learn more about what gets in the way of emotional availability then you may be interested in the course, The Four Attachment Distress Responses. Take the quiz to learn more: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
.........I have never felt so understood, or found someone who understands what I'm experiencing so completely. I've been looking for this delivery and this lightbulb moment in order to move forward.
Brilliant Alan, so well described. Even when we are aware of the patterns, it's challenging to make the emotional grown-up adjustments, and be assertive about it, work in progress. Thank you.
Thanks for feedback and for valuing the effort I put into offering explanation. Yes, it does take intention and commitment to change the patterns. Glad you resonated with this video. Please also share it with others who may find it helpful. Help me spread the word.
@@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma to be able to see the victim/ drama triangle and decide to get out of it, takes a lot of effort and practice, but it's' worth it. your speech has loads of nuances in the complexity of it all, and it's soothing for the people who have gone through endless emotional battles. i will pass it on . :) thank you
This hits perfectly. This is where I am with my other. Every word you use to describe the dance is happening. I’m feeling like I need more and the more I tell him I need more the more he moves away. I’m becoming angry and disappointed and analyzing HIS attachment style as unhealthy. He retaliates and criticizes me for needing more and says I need therapy because I’m sick. Early in the relationship when we were in limerence he stated that he was scared that he was going to disappoint me. I never heard any body say that to me and it stuck. Now I wonder if he’s fulfilling the prophecy.
Great awareness, thanks for sharing your experience. Many of us can relate. There was a conversation similar to your comment that came up in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. Take the relationship quiz to learn more. www.healingattachmenttrauma.com/iyr_quiz_2
Very insightful. I've done this a lot because my girlfriend was very shut down emotionally. So I wanted to lecture her with pycho-babble and point out how unhealthy she was emotionally. Those things were true, but the goal wasn't to really help her, but to try to make her emotionally healthy so she could be there for me. I wish I saw these videos while she was still with me. Because I do miss her. She is a pretty serious love avoidant but I kept trying to pull her into emotional recovery. I didn't see these patterns at the time, and now I am blaming myself and can't find forgiveness within myself for not knowing. Its a childhood pattern. I got lots of "You should have done this....or that..." And it was always my fault for not doing things "right" how my parents wanted.
These are helpful reflections. Good awareness. Good job mapping out your thoughts and processing. Partner Relationships is a recurring topic in the community. It can be helpful getting insight from others who are also learning relating skills. I'm sure others can relate with what you shared. Thanks for commenting.
Hi. You're welcome. Thanks for your interest in joining the community. Sure, you can learn more about it by visiting www.alanrobarge.com/community Thanks for asking.
Alan. You pretty much nail it. Every. Damn. Time. I seriously feel like you’re my therapist. Haha I’ve spent thousands of dollars over the years, and never got this level of insight into what the hell was going on inside of my heart that’s making me hurt so deeply, and sabotaging my relationships. Thank you Alan.
Thank you for the feedback and for valuing my work. That is helpful that you've let me know that you find benefit from the videos. Glad this content resonates for you. Please consider becoming a sustaining supporter by becoming a member of the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships www.alanrobarge.com/community This is the type of content we explore in the community. Thanks for your comment.
You're welcome. Glad to hear this is helpful. Thank you for valuing my work. To go deeper into these dynamics you may be interested in the course, The Four Attachment Distress Responses. Learn more by taking the quiz. www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
Yes!That's it!That's the true! My parentes didn'n t like me.Do note like me. The worst...and i don't t talk about the pain and...the worst are they are put stones and stones in my way and many times i falling down.Never too much for them,Just crticise,no tenderness...just the worst. The worst....i Just can't forgive them even knowing they are ill. THANK u for your vídeo .They are EXCELENTS!VERY WELL explained.THANK u.
No woman should pursue. If he's emotionally stunted, broken, damaged goods - Run, don't walk. Your life is limited in time, and You deserve to be loved. end of :)
This video really brought attention to what I was doing to my partner. She wasn't receptive to my emotional needs and I would frequently exhibit my needs by becoming angry or passive aggressive with her. I acted-out and often removed my presence from her with the hope she would "figure it out"... (She didn't). Ultimately, having a great understanding of my own insecurities will allow me to not place such a burden on others. Thank you for this video Alan!
John G. Thank you for sharing. I think my ex passive aggressively expressed her needs to me. Like I should just know. With time away from her (she broke up with me) I feel sad that I didn’t see the signs,but at the same time i can’t mind read. I mean, she expressed some vague needs a handful of times. I feel I did a really good job of expressing my needs, but I’ve also been in a lot of recovery for years.
@@mattiethesurfer Matthew and John, listen buddies I went though the same stuff with my gal. I mean, me and my best buddy even went on these trips within our own families. Some chicks are shut down. Don't be too hard on yourself. Alan says the same thing, "have some compassion for yourself." It has nothing to do with you. A person can be incredibly loving and prosocial in the wider world yet be absolutely cruel as a family member, coworker, partner. This is real. This thing about the face test or whatever where the mom doesn't volley back and forth with the baby. The baby is distressed. And that's human. You are not robots, Matthew and John. Acknowledge your needs and proceed with an awareness of whether a partner is online or not in terms of playing that tennis match with you. My codependent mom even realized and communicated thata decade before divorcing my narcissistic /sociopath father who's now serving a prison sentence. Take very good care yourself. There is out there, functional partners who are able to "see" you. I told the shut-off chick about the problem, I met her in person over a brief but direct and gentlemanly discussion of the issue and launched her. This is the only way. It doesn't really matter who-broke-up-with-who. You, Matthew and John are worthwhile. Continue on brothers.
So what I am getting is that the partner with the emotional need should be able to comfort themselves and tread lightly when asking for a deeper emotional connection from the avoidant partner. How does that build a relationship? Because if you can't be fully open with your partner about your needs in a relationship then what is the point? Because on the flipside, the emotional detached partner will expect you to be okay with their lack of emotional maturity. So then while they are not be protestant for their lack forming emotional connection, their actions are not making the conversation an option. So then the partner with the emotional need will guard themselves and not really want to engage with the emotional detached partner. This just creates a cycle of silent resentment and gives more space for the avoidant partner to operate in their lack of emotional maturity and the partner that needs the attachment to suffer in silence. There has to be a balance. It can be one or the other, especially when you say you care for your partner, you should be willing to do at least the bare minimum.
Thanks for the meaningful comment. Glad this video sparked reflection for you. Sometimes our need for emotional connection will go unmet for different reasons. One reason could be about compatibility. I agree about the bare minimum. This is something that comes up in conversations in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. You're welcome to take part in the conversations: www.alanrobarge.com/communiity
This video is really helpful. It's so hard to look at my part in relation to attachment trauma. I'm seeing how damaged I've been and how few tools I've had for self-comfort. I have a long way to go...! Thanks.
I hear you. One day at a time. Thank you for sharing my work is helpful for you. It can be helpful learning with others who are also learning. I'm wondering if you've heard about the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. You're invited to join us. www.alanrobarge.com/community
People have always told me how stress is the root of my pain. I never really dealt with it but I'm at the point where I'm always triggered even tho the abuse is over and my spirit is wilted and I don't know how to fix it...
This was a great video. Very helpful in highlighting my behaviors and how they may affect my partner. Change starts within, even though that's the hardest place to look.
This is so interesting to me because I have a partner who is avoidant etc. but the good news is that I've learned what's *my stuff* versus his stuff AND I can get my needs met elsewhere. Which means there is a limit to what he *can* participate in with me, but so be it. I get my other needs met elsewhere. That seems pretty radical to me. I never would've thought that recovery from codependency would lead me to a place like this. But I'm a lot happier.
I understand we have to manage our own distress but what about what sue johnson says about limbic resonance and how our partners can help us with our nervous systems. What’s the point about being in a relationship if they don’t offer comfort IN ADDITION to our own resourcing?
It is in addition. My video is not either/or. And when limbic resonance is not available we need to be able to function and not implode into helplessness. We still need the locus of control to be within ourselves. We need both.
My husband is so cold, that I want to be just as cold as him. I want him to feel the hurt and pain he causes me. I’m currently pregnant and it just hurts me so much. I literally ask him to watch my toddler son on the table so he don’t fall. He just turns his head looking at my son. I told him to get closer just in case he tries to get up. He asks me why I’m so disabled. Like what? Then I told him that this is a safety concern, it’s not me being “disabled”. He then says I’m nagging him. He triggers me so much. I hate him
You're outrageously insightful! So how do we sooth ourselves... even if we plan to leave, after determining we've had enough? What if it was a weakness you have become aware of? An outrageously underdeveloped weakness because of so many reasons?
I love your art - the blossom branches, against a blue sky. I guesss it's cherry blossom, but a large version is magnola. I'm sure magnolias originate from Asia - Japan? Not sure about cherries, but the I understand that the Japanese particularly love cherry blossom. l love the real life trees and the oriental style of art as well.
Hi. Thank you for the comment. Glad this video resonated for you. Since you like this video you may also be interested in taking The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz. www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
I'm glad you're rewatching! It's great that you are finding support and encouragement from this video. Please consider sharing this with a friend, family member, or through social media to spread the word. Everyone deserves to hear this and come one step closer to healing.
I had tried to take care of myself and express need for more connection. But it went nowhere and then it got worse. Yes, better to walk away. He was saying I need therapy.
@@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma it’s hard to understand what’s going on. I suggested couples therapy which he agreed to initially but it went nowhere. I had to just leave the relationship because I felt unseen and unheard
Def yes, you need to be authentic to who you are. So try out different things to connect emotionally, get him on board. If he is not willing, or doesnt take in interest as to understand your needs, then u may not be in a relationship thats gonna fulfill you
Thank you so much for this detailed video. It’s exactly what I needed to hear. It’s me and I need the skills to manage my nervous systems when I get triggered. Do you have any videos on how we calm ourselves and manage our own emotions?
Glad my work brings you benefit. Thank you for valuing my effort. Also thank you for the question. There are a number of videos that touch on this topic. Start with titles that speak to you. Also this topic comes up in our conversations in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. It can be helpful learning with others who are also learning. You're invited. www.alanrobarge.com/community
If you are reading this and thinking "I always pick avoidant partners" securely attached folks are the majority of the population! Have patient and don't let avoidance suck you in, stand by your needs and walk away from relationships that arent working.
