Unmasking Narcissists, Psychopaths, and Their Abuse with RUTH JACOBS in CAMBRIDGE, UK (In the Booth) 

He is brilliant. Not many people have that capacity of self awareness.

And you can't love someone enough to fix them, either. Ty, Sam. Your site helped me more than did my therapist eight years ago!

Amazing, I was married to a narcissist for 40 yrs. Never heard I’m sorry,or even why he did what he did. This man is a rare bird for sure. Narcissist’s are unable to respond to the damage they do,they seem almost numb. Thanks for the video,I’ve learned quite a lot.

You can’t love someone enough to fix them.

my god, this guy's brilliant

That was a very insightful interview. It actually makes me very sad for those people suffering with BPD & NPD, but not sad enough to ever let another one near me again, that's how they reel you in.

I am so happy I am out of this relationship just 2 days ago- he threatened that he would physically harm me. And he had done it once, but I was foolish enough to believe he would change. Thank god this hell lasted for only 4 months. Don't trust people about whom your gut feeling goes berserk, people. Have some faith in yourselves. Don't make my mistakes.

God had a plan for you Sam. We are so grateful for you in our community. Thank you & much respect.

My mom never saw me as separate from her. I guess I picked up on that early. When I was 9, I announced to my parents that I realized that I didn't really exist.

I am from an Extreme abusive home and I'm codependent, PTSD etc.....I never had a real childhood. I feel cheated and angry. When you date a Narc they are exciting in the beginning and the treatment feels Familiar because that's all you knew growing up is abuse.The ups and downs of dating the Narc usually wears you out and mentally breaks you all the way down. You are a toy in the Narc FUN HOUSE. Run and throw away the Key. I'm NARC FREE!!!

i think they are highly represented in the medical field ..

The most typical criteria is that they never admit that there is something wrong with them, they blame others. He is unusual in that respect.

I was married to a narcissist and did not know it until a few days ago. I was married to a man for 17 years and always thought something was wrong with me, my daughters. I always wondered why he didn't love us. He was cold hearted, arrogant, umempathetic, could ignore a person for "months" at a time and wouldn't care who was hurt by the behavior. He is very intelligent, cognitively. I was used. The marriage was the 2nd for us, each. He had 4 children and i had one. He and his four, treated my child like she was filth on the floor. He and his girls (yes, all girls) treated the both of us the same the last few years. Once the last child (his) graduated from high school, he had his plan to get rid of me. I was hit with divorce papers within 2 months. He once told me in his anger as i tried to stand up against his foul treatment, "Do you know who you are talking to? I am a DOCTOR!!!" He had affairs with other ladies, i found out after the divorce. But for some dumb reason, i wanted to have him back!!! Being with this man caused me to hate my daughter, myself and life. Now that i am familiar with this personality, i am now feeling i can move on and not have to be bombarded with thoughts of "what's wrong wth me? What went wrong? He found someone else who looks better, etc." Whomever gets him at this point will see the same arrogance once the charm is gone and the real person is released... I now understand that the signs i saw were not just schizophenia and bi-polar tendencies. But the label of narcissism is most appropriate. With what i lived through, i understand fully why his former wife's relatives say he could've killed her. Not saying he took a gun and shot her and hid the evidence... However, he could've emotionally devastated her to the point where her body couldn't take anymore of his foul treatment. There is evidence that people die from being emotionally abused and having a broken heart. Thanks for this important unmasking of knowledge you have poured out. It is like therapy. One day i want to be able to share with the world the hurt my child and i suffered. The abuse we suffered has got to be used to inform people of what type monsters these personalities can be if they don't find ways to get out of the way. But most of all, get your biological children away from them. They can be hurt in ways that could shatter their self-worth beyond repair...

along with DID, borderline and personality disorders the abused child can develop ptsd untreated throughout life can become complex.

Great analogy, "it makes no difference whether the child is put on the pedestal or the pedestal is put on the child"

This interview with Sam is the best, most insightful overview of NPD and BPD I have seen or heard in my 12 years of researching, reading, and studying the cluster B personality disorders. A must-see for victims of domestic violence whose abuser is suspected of having a personality disorder.

Thank you for your willingness to be honest.

I never thought I'd say this but he has changed my life .

The self-fulfilling irony of life is that the most defensive mechanisms are often the most destructive mechanisms. Narcissism is the biggest defense frenzy the world will ever know. The tragedy is that the protective shield that should maintain the user's well-being actually helps drain it not just from them but others too. If such a repercussion never existed the world would be a lot better place. Thank you for making these videos, they are very insightful and will benefit many.

If Narcissus had simply leaned over the water, checked his teeth, gave his hair the once-over, smiled and went about his day, he’d have a healthy degree of reflection and self esteem. Instead, he could not stop gazing at his reflection, fell in and drowned. Thank you, Mr. Vaknin.

This is one of the best explanations I've ever heard.

It’s so sad that he had to go through everything he did and now is really trying to help. He’s so good even though he claims to be terrible. I like this guy a lot.

There is no mention here of the codependents who are abused. Let’s not forget them!

What he has done in this interview is to provide a warning signal to potential victims of abusers. We cannot stop every evil nor should we even avenge it, but we can and do have the right to be on our guard against abusers who wear the "mask of sanity"

I could always tell when my ex narc was lying as soon as she started talking

This is so insightful! I've known a number of narcissists in my lifetime and I've always suspected that they each had dysfunctional upbringings. This video reminds me of a person I once knew who had to be the best at everything. He exuded supreme confidence, was extremely arrogant and ultra-competitive. He would always boast about his academic achievements and sexual conquests. I was on friendly terms with him but hated his high-handed behaviour. I later found out that he had been sexually abused as a child. He revealed that his abuser had been tracked down by the police and that he'd been summoned to testify in court. I remember seeing his air of confidence completely diminish to the point that he was a shivering, tearful wreck. All the resentments I had held against him completely evaporated. I never saw him again as he moved away but I really hope he's ok now.

It’s a true privilege to watch this interview between two courageous, intelligent, authentic / self-aware individuals. I have immense respect for them both.

OMGGGGGGGGG, finally - I got it!!!!!!!!!! This is me! Now I can begin the work of modifying the behaviors that I thought were healthy. Thank you 🙏

This made me cry..he describes it all in ways I never knew how to put into words. He is so very right...the part that makes me sad is I can think back to ppl who I've detested because they were narcissistic and actually attribute their behavior to being that empty shell that they in no way purposely caused on themselves as children. It is so sad to have your sense of self stripped and extinguished, and end up becoming some falsehood just to endure the pain of that loss. This explains why people seem one way in the beginning of a relationship, and then over time as he said, the narcissist takes over...I know full and well how it feels. Your false self senses the fear and danger and takes action as soon as a relationship reaches a certain point. I know as soon as I think I have someone I really don't want to lose, I become so afraid that I'm gonna mess it up and they're going to abandon me, and I'm going to lose the very thing making me happy. I just want to actually be happy and not have to fear losing it, because happiness in my past is something I rarely ever really truly felt. If I were ever happy, someone, usually my own mother, had to SQUASH it right out of me, like I never once deserved it.

This mans a gift to all on both sides of NPD , the abused and the abusers. If your ready to hear his genius

Sam your videos are the absolute best on the subject. I especially like the concise way that the information is presented. Thank you so much for sharing your work in such a helpful and meaningful way.!! Most sincerely, Margaret.

Listening to this and it's fascinating and enlightening.

This is the best explanation. I have ever seen . Just love his clarity

Scary but so useful! ALL parents should watch this video. #stopchildabuse

The speaker has delivered the most devastatingly accurate and poetic condemnation of narcissists I have encountered thus far. It appears however there is a cure for narcissism after all, self-awareness, or at least something that acts like a control rod in a nuclear reactor.

24:19 A very honest statement. No psychologist or psychotherapist will tell you that!

Darn, I have been going to church and realizing how many are narcissists. After being married to one, and not understanding, I can see it now in clergy, media, hollywood, and politicians. Thanks for this video.

Brave man...

unfortunately one has to hit rock bottom....until they are open to look into a mirror and admit about themselves.

I knew it! This belief that narcissists are secretly miserable is just something victims tell themselves to feel better, and something therapists say to try and make sense of their behavior, much like this idea that bullies have low self-esteem. It's not true. Narcissists are happy. Their lives are easy because the idea that they are less than perfect never even registers as a conscious thought. If they have no empathy, they are never burdened with conscience about the things they have done.

My little son with autism just made my bed while I was in hospital. My Asperger's dad big thing was fighting for human rights as a lawyer. I think it's a misconception that people with Aspergers and autism lack empathy. Some may. I DO think both my son and father process empathy in a kind of strange and off beat different way. But they have it.

17:20 This is probably one of the clearest explanations of the origins of a personality disorder that you're likely to find online. As someone who is now long in remission from BPD, hearing this has helped me so much. It is great that Dr Vaknin speaks publicly about this. Whether he's listened to is another matter...

Narcissist are not happy thats the false self and different masks but when that mask fall off their super angry and mad

This explains more than it seems at first.

Thank you for your courage to investigate yourself and the Manhood in your diagnosis to work for the betterment of Humanity! Salute Professor!

Thank you for producing one of the very few videos I've seen that actually tries to humanise the narcissist. I have noticed almost all of the chat lines, videos comments etc. villainize and bully the narcissist by the hundreds of thousands of victims apparently. Very insightful video which unfortunately leaves me with little hope. There must be more of us than I ever imagined.

I'm thankful more research was made, and light was shed on the subject of narcissism.

In my eyes, you're a warrior - you've owned the actions of your consequences and creating awareness of NPD, directly from a sufferer of NPD. Thank you for your service and going against the typical grain of those with NPD, who believe they are never at fault. My wish for you, is to reap what you're sowing now, being real happiness and love. I'm a victim of narcissistic abuse and I respect your willingness for other victims to receive affirmation on some level as well as answers to what happened to us.

I learned the most from Dr Sam Vaknin on the topic of narcissim. I'm so thankful for his brilliance and for being so forthcoming.

I have never seen a Narc be introspective! Very interesting indeed!

I just found you. I am so excited to learn more and finally understand how and if I can have a relationship with my father. Honestly I'm afraid of him. He is a psychopath narcissist. I stop talking to him, then I feel guilty for not talking to him, reach out, and then remember why I had stopped talking to him in the first place. This cycle happens over and over again... It is so toxic. Thank you so very much for this channel and for being so open.

Haha "its pains me to say that Im a typical narcissist" and that smile. Seriously, a great service to the rest of us by helping us with his insight into himself. Not at all easy.

I called out my girlfriend for being a narcissist. She doubled down on that behavior. So I dumped her. It was naive of me to think that she would have some introspection and analyze the situation. I guess some people do not realize the importance of attaining self actualization.

I fell in love with a borderline, but was dumped by a narcissist.

Much respect for this guy having such a selfish self entitled destructive disorder and getting help which is very rare if unheard of to do this and be open and help people is amazing it's so interesting to here the insight of someone with this disorder

I think that is a great perspective of a narc having split personality, I can see that in the narcs I grew up with. He is right on on other things except one, that people become narcs through the way the are brought up, although I do believe that happens. However, nature also plays a huge part. I believe if a person is a narc they are that way either through their nature as their brains are wired that way, and/or nurture. I believe a person can be brought up in a healthy environment but if their brains are wired to be a narc, no matter how they were brought up, whether they are abused or not, they are wired as a narc and there's nothing, no amount of love that can change that. I say this as I have a sibling whom is a narc and she was showing traits of it even before she hit one years old.

I agree, Sam Vaknin, you are brilliant! I found this video to be very helpful. Thank you for your work & contribution toward helping people understand these complex personality disorders.

I cannot help but feel sorry for and pity the narcissist who has nothing off his true self left. They seem for lack of a better term ruined by their abuse and it is very sad and tragic to see

Thank you so much Sam for your wonderful body of work on You Tube that helps so many and for your wonderful honesty about your personal experience

This was intense and thought provoking! Thank you for your candor.

As a narcissist myself I have been on a long road of self discovery especially when observing others with simular trates. I've found it fascinating and learned a lot about human behaviour and about myself. Understanding that my early adoption, the constant feeling of abandonment and loneliness and my parents behaviour had all contributed to my disfunctional way of thinking feeling and actions. If life isn't working out the way you thought it would and your willing enough to see yourself as part of the problem, observe your behaviour like a case study. You have to drop condemning judgement and trust others around you. If you get shit on accept it's human behaviour by others and try to pick better friends. You are not the second comming and you are not a victim. You have no identity. You just are.

Very academic description of the disorder and its complex dynamics.

Sam says that the longer the narcissist's false self remains in place, the more the true self is eroded. Yet, I wonder if the addiction to narcissistic supply doesn't serve a dual purpose : to both feed the false self as well as somehow nurture a deeply buried and injured true self. A true self that the narcissist has fallen completely out of touch with and therefore can no longer get in touch with.

Her eyes at the very end of this video say so much about her pain and realization that there is no "Cure". We are in the same boat Sister. Hurts like hell.... Hugs.

So sad to lose someone we love dearly because they are unable to see what is wrong with them....thank you doctor for your honesty and all the hard work!!!!

Sam is the most important person to listen to on this subject if wishing to learn about the personality type.

I am into poverty due to abuse.I thank you for you work.

Thank you for that enlighting presentation, Mr Vaknin. I'm a 45 y.o. french professor (teaching french in France). It seems I have been waiting for those very words for years, even decades. I'm very much interested in the end of your speech, when you assert that you cannot glue together the parts of the shrapnelled self, but try individually to avoid the anti-social behaviours. Do you have other recordings on that subject, or any reading advice ? And again, thank you so much for that accuracy and that sincerity.

Unfailingly brilliant, insightful, honest, and in the end practical.. Sam Vankin is an amazing man.. who has elevated the motive of self knowledge, to a body of knowledge of being.

I love this so much; using the Narcissism as the multi-million dollar international internet startup to HELP PEOPLE. Best happy ending ever.

I wish I watched this before...My Ex-narc just got arrested AGAIN after only 5 months, just sabotaged his whole life all over again.

fragmented beings we have become from less and less love, care, understanding and the wonder of existence

God will save anyone if they are willing to face the pain of the shame that drove them so far from their true self, once the walls come and love is given an entrance. Then true self comes, I hope to believe that even the darkest soul could come alive, my whole family is narcissistic personality disordered and I carry the shame for them therefore I am a scapegoat, its painful, I found my true self, and it is what living should be, god bless the world, I can love, so few can, so im lucky x

I felt it and knew it. The true intelligence of the world may battle good and evil when given all knowledge. Possibly

The most on point information I have ever heard, and the reason because he suffered through this. Sometimes what you have been through is a blessing to yourself and others.

Thank you Sam I wish I could have found your videos long ago.. But I am glad I found them now.. Such valuable work.. Helping me to break a horrific cycle and become stronger :-).. Finally awake at age 44.. You and others like you who speak out and help me to understand the dynamics of what has happened to me are central to my recovery.once again thank you.

My respects Mr. Vaknin. Your honesty, knowledge, self examination and eloquence is a great help to people.

Absolutely fantastic and enlightening conversation. Good job as always Sam.

I read your book years ago, but only today found you online. Truly wonderful to listen to what you have to say. I have been binge-watching.

Yes, Sam is brilliant alright. Very very HONEST and real also. I appreciate what he does and how remarkably articulate he is. Thanks!!!!!!

This was a fascinating interview. Very candid and informative. Helps me understand my ex better, myself and differentiate different forms of co-mobility. Thanks you!

Your brilliance Sam, is that you are concise and deliver in a simplicity that is easy to understand. This is a testament to your care and concern for us. This is not the voice and the verbiage of a narcissist.

Thank you Sam for speaking up honestly & trying to educate the everyday person to this necrotic personality type. I'm truly sorry for what ever pain you went through to become narcissist yourself, no one deserves abuse and in my humble opinion parents are the most heinous offenders to deliberately harm their own children... there just isn't any justifiable reason for such cruelty, ever. You are the one person who finally helped me realize who & what I was up against. After listening to 3 hrs of your videos I finally knew I wasn't crazy or just imaging the worst things of my husband out of paranoia. Everything I felt or thought he was doing was real and really that bad and he would never change or walk away from this lifestyle. He has a label now, but I'm still in conflict between my heart and mind. My spouse has physically & emotionally abused me for 20 yrs now, but the worst agony is the sexual component. Mind you, we've had really good sex nearly every day of those 20 yrs. I've always done anything and everything he's ever wanted. I'm petite, but very well proportioned, attractive, intelligent, highly creative, driven to achieve and continuously improve myself, double jointed, extremely giving, with a sex drive to boot. Yet my spouse constantly denies me full sexual release and blames his prematurity, on being older, which is B.S. after he's had a cialis pill, he does it deliberately. I'd wear any normal lover out, but I guess I'm just not enough to sate his lusts, but I'm not sure what his lusts are exactly. My spouse has been all but caught in the middle of sex with other person(s)... I hear them making sounds, but by the time I get there, he's trying to put himself back in his pants which are totally undone and he's clearly excited... and down the foot path or out the back yard gate I see a figure sprinting to a waiting, running car, which they jump in & squeal off! This is where I need your insight... he then has the nerve to call me crazy b/c I didn't actually catch him in the act. He told me that I had unfairly imagined that malicious evil about him and how dare I even imply such things about him! Does he seriously think he's innocent, that I didn't just see the ugly truth with my own 2 eyes, that he was brazenly committing adultery right around the corner from me? Better yet, since I saw him doing that with the male neighbor, then confronted him (which got me promptly punched in the face 3 times, yes, I pressed charges but I fear the local prosecutor is one of those figures I've seen running from my home in the dark of night, hence he dropped the charges, but I digress)... why does he think he isn't a closet homosexual or in the least bi sexual? Please help me understand how he thinks, the truth, how can he just do these things and act like it was nothing at all? Is it the pain & humiliation in my eyes he lives for or is it sexual addiction that drives him? I'm at a loss, PLEASE SAM, I need some logical reasoning so I can quit trying to fault myself for this treatment I KNOW I don't deserve, I want to let go & heal. If I could put this utter perversion of my life with him in a proper "clinical perspective", I think I could completely detach myself emotionally and finally move on. I'm already saving up for a divorce and a new life elsewhere!

Please make a video in which you speak directly to the Narcissists themselves, and offer your suggestions, techniques, strategies, therapies, etc., that they might utilize to heal, ameliorate, soften, diminish, de-weaponize, etc., their dysfunctional and hurtful behaviors. I thank you in advance.

Great interview, thank you both!

This information has been extremely helpful. I find it to be very true and accurate.

Glad to see you in Cambridge Sam! Hope you will be giving some kind of talk/interacting with the academic community there during your visit.... Your knowledge is a very valuable resource to us here in the UK :) xxx

Thank you for your timely insight and information. You are one of the most truthful and knowledgeable people I have ever watched on RU-vid and I'm eternally grateful that I found you. Well wishes from Australia.

Thank you Sam for your honesty and all your diligent expansive research. I'm reading your book, and have found it most helpful. Knowledge is power!

This is incredible help and rescue from myself...I have just begun...It will be a long haul...My whole life has been eaten away by abuse as described in your video and so....I have never truly lived!! IS IT TOO LATE?????? TYSM, SAM!!! AND LOVE to you!!

This is the most insightful and profoundly helpful interview for me to understand my adult life with my family.

The lucidity with which this is discussed is really very moving, and points to the possibility of life improving. It's not meant to minimize how folks with this personality characteristic have to deal with this world, but to express my amazement at the extraordinary ability to look at one's self as objectively as you must have had to do. You have my immense respect for this accomplishment.

Fascinating and I agree about the part that cluster b are forms of disassociative disorder - it’s like I kept feeling that way when I read up on them - they are forms of self preservation that develop in a child that is threatened or didn’t receive unconditional love

If you're a narcissist the best thing that you can do to change for the positive is deny the urge to fulfill your narcissistic supply and then try to develop healthy alternatives for attention. Another thing to do is begin a lifelong commitment to love yourself, all parts, especially the ugliest parts. One of the biggest challenges for a narcissist is to confront their inner critic and possibly any cognitive distortions that drove someone to become a narcissist. This is also crucial in recovery from narcissism. Narcissists abhor themselves and then they decide to reject themselves or a part of themselves primarily because someone convinced them (or they convinced themselves by perceiving that others important to them would reject them) that something about themselves was so bad that it made them rejection worthy. This creates a huge problem for them and others that they can not foresee. How we relate to ourselves as a "PERSON" gets projected onto everyone we run into and interact with. So in essence, how we relate to ourselves is exactly how we will relate with other people in the world. You know that old saying, you can't love others until you love yourself? 'That applies to the narcissist 100%! It also expresses the very mechanism at work within a functional narcissist. And since the narcissist rejected themselves, how can they possibly love themselves fully when they've taken specific parts of themselves off the table, never to be nourished by life-sustaining, rejuvenating self-love? Living as a narcissist is a punishing life. Mostly due to the trap that they fell into early on in life. The worst part is that they usually have no idea where they are (as a narcissist) or how they got there. Imagine going through life not fully knowing who you are because you've long ago, rejected many aspects of yourself. You are incomplete. This same incompleteness gets projected onto everyone you interact with and it usually manifests itself in the narcissist treating others and incomplete humans not worthy of love just as they see themselves. This is why narcissists use and abuse people. They don't fully see other people's true worth because they can not see it in themselves and as such do not recognize worth in others because they do not recognize it within themselves. This is where we find the seeds of recovery for narcissistic disorder. Most mental health providers wont touch trying to treat a narcissist. I think because they themselves don't fully understand how to treat them or even where to begin. So this is actually a step by step process to recovery just like any addiction. You could probably create a road map to recovery using the AA 12 step program as a template. These are some of the things that I did to recover from narcissism. I didn't have access to therapists who would work with me so I decided that I would have to do it myself. Another important thing to do is get a support system or at least, guard your current one from yourself as best you can. Narcissists will know what this means. Avoid other narcissists and people who are negative that tend to trigger your narcissistic behavior. Its also essential that you get around people who are willing to help you and who know how to love themselves. They become a sort of role model that can guide you as you progress through the sometimes foggy path of recovery.

Great interview. One of your best videos!

Great interview! Dr. Vaknin, thank you for being a pioneer and for your contributions to the study of narcissism. Your work is helping so many.

Absolutely the best video i have seen with so much understanding of the big picture

Incredibly informative overview that gives us a guide to identify what we could be dealing with. Also gives us a reason that these disorders occur. I have always been inquisitive & always want to know, 'why'? I have thanked you a few times already for your contribution, especially to us confused & hurt victims, & i want to Thank You Again!! You are an Invaluable resource. I listen to you almost daily to remind me he'll Never change & it's not my fault, i'm not an awful, unlovable person. It gives me knowledge which gives me strenght. You saved me in a matter of speaking. No therapist, Domestic Violence counseling really is equipped to deal with this. But they all say what you say, he'll Never change, get away from him!!

Superb and informative, thank you Dr. Vaknin

Great interview.