Part 5 or 5: This video concludes the attachment series by explaining how mentalization is the key to fostering secure attachment. Animation by Thomas Moon
There is something rarely anyone speaks about, and that is grief. I wasn't able to overcome my traumas no matter how much I tried all the different advices, techniques, etc. until i started taking my anger and sadness about of my body through screaming and crying. What I did was finding a safe place in my home where I could go and be on my own when no one was in the house, and when I got triggered by anything in the present I would go to that corner, put a pillow on my face (so the neighbors would no hear me) and I scream and cried in it while saying to those who hurt me as a child all what I couldn't say at that moment...at the beginning it was hard cuz I realized I had so much sadness stored in me, but after a while I started feeling lighter and lighter, and I started living more in the present that in the past and which is better, without any effort, daily reminders, routines, mantras, eternal therapies, etc.
I'm so glad I found these videos they're incredibly enlightening. I never thought I would actually need therapy since I didn't exactly suffer abuse but I can't shake my avoidant attachment.
1:27 doesn’t sound “secure” to me, it’s what I sound like when I’m dissociative- probably the reason as a child teachers said I was too old for my years. Before any interaction with my parents I had to suppress and detach from my emotions, work out how the parent was feeling, and keep nurturing them while I was asking or telling anything in small slices so I could measure the response- and be ready to back off FAST. The same applies to therapists. It probably makes me sound very well adjusted but that’s just me being guarded.
So insightful. You're right that some people can seem secure but are really insecure. And it makes me think that so many of us are playing hide and seek because we so desperately want to be known but are afraid of being hurt. That level of self-awareness is a great sign that you are well on the way to earning a Secure state of mind.
Ong thank you Little Jo...that is me too. Is what you described really dissociative? I think of just staring off into space with no reaction at all...🤓😲🤷♀️
omg, u make me feel heard! I love that this is the impact the video has. That's the whole point! It's only through connection and understanding that we overcome hurt and suffering. I have some new videos that are just dying to be made, but I just need to find the time. So, stay tuned and thank you for the encouragement.
Thank you so much for making these series on attachments, I just realized this part of me being an insecure ambivalent, and you used words that struck right on to me, I remember on school excercises my teacher would as us to write down what we treassured the most on a friend, and I wrote "consistency" and kept on doing it for many many years. I didn't realized it at the moment but I was literally screaming for help with that and didn't even know. Once again I'm deeply grateful for your work on these videos, I appreciate it a lot and now, thanks to you I know how to heal from that in a better way.
Loved this series and learned a lot about people who are closer to me and why they behave in certain ways, as well as why I have been so avoidant. I can definitely keep track of my mental patterns and when I'm becoming avoidant, to be more securely attached.
Wow, I just run into your videos, what a great surprise! Excellent small-bite-descriptions that can capture the attachment dilemmas we encounter in our lives through development. Thank you!
Thank you for your videos Jacob. I found them very soothing and helpful .I’m currently on a very long and challenging journey. It’s very hard for me to heal from anxious avoidant attachment. It takes a lot of work, patience, energy ... it’s literally going againt what your “ senses” arectelling you. Still a lot of work to do but I’m on my way. Thank you
Wow. I really enjoy your videos! You have such a soothing voice, and the animations are really delightful. Thank you. Love, an anxiously attached person
Thank you sir. Your have such a calming voice, I can open a video and fall in to sleep. Thank you so much for your videos. I learned a lot of things that can help me!
What you made helps me to even better understand my children. Both are adopted at different ages and with a very different background impacting their attachment style. One of my children shows behaviour linked to the anxious/ambivalent attachment style, the other has more an avoidant attachment style. Both are making huge progress but we have still a long road ahead. Reflecting about attachment styles is so crucial for every parent, both adoptive as biological so your videos are really inspiring and I'm keen to see more :)
Adopting a child can be such a challenging yet rewarding experience. Congratulations on taking the challenge and best of luck to you! Some of my blog posts on my website have some insights about using mentalizing to heal children: drjacobham.com/blog/2017/6/8/two-brothers-learn-to-feel-and-heal drjacobham.com/blog/2017/4/26/mcepior37e7f2i11c05cnne3jf97hi drjacobham.com/blog/2017/4/21/long-post-describing-how-to-manage-childrens-behavior-with-nurturance?rq=boy
I love your videos and your voice is beautiful and calm relaxing peaceful. I really want to learn about how to hear the emotional tone of what a person it is thinking. I will watch it again and again.
Also watch Nerdwriter's video (ru-vid.com/video/%D0%B2%D0%B8%D0%B4%D0%B5%D0%BE-CHp639vhUJg.html) and my video about my therapy session. My therapy session shows how murky and complex this work can be.
Thank you for this presentation. I would put a caveat on your recommendations to your viewers though. The problem that I see with talking to people based on their "intentions" or what we think the "purpose of their communication is" is that you will eventually end up making the WRONG assumptions about people and thus deny them the opportunity to learn to communicate with YOU. It is almost as if you engage with people with the intention of finding a problem: so what happens when you don't find anything "wrong" or "broken" in them? You run away like most avoidant people do. Some people (like me and most of my nerdy friends) communicate straightforwardly 90% of the time. Some people are frank, say what is on their mind and are deliberate in their communication. They don't talk in layers to bait people into paying attention to them: they are secure in their identity and are in tune with their inner feelings and their environment. You will find little to no chiasm between what they say and what they think and what they feel. Some people will call them "simple-minded" or "naive", but they don't see the need to play games when it comes to human interactions. In fact, if you want to know something about them, it is preferable to ask them "Why are you doing...? Why did you say...?", rather than "guess" what their intentions are. They are their own person: you are not them, you don't think like them, you CAN NOT feel like them and it is vain to think that you could ever do so, no matter what you believe your "powers" are. I am saying this because a lot of the people I have had to remove from my life where the kind of people who did what you recommend people should do. They kept talking to me with the assumption that I had suffered trauma, that I was in pain and hiding it under my quiet and focused demeanor. As a result, they consistently failed to communicate with me on my level and refused to accept that what I say is what I think and feel. They talked OVER me instead of talking WITH me, because their focus was not on communication (i.e getting to know me gradually), but on assessment (i.e finding whether I am what I say I am). Over time, I have grown to understand that this a defence mechanism that they have turned into a system to get the approval of society at large. They don't want to look inwards at what is missing in their own identity all the time, so they distract themselves by searching for troubles/faults in people that they can work on to "rescue" these people and thus make themselves feel better. Is it any wonder they end up projecting so much of their own pain onto others? As Dr Sam Vaknin said, a lot of people who are in the field of psychology for their profession have a lot of unresolved psychological problems themselves. It would be good for them to be aware of their own issues too.
Thank you, Jacob..Your videos (and illustrations) are very informative and deeply moving...is it possible to move from avoidant to secure? people say yes but how?
absolutely. The secret is to learn to mentalize. But, what that literally means is that you have to become compassionately curious about yourself first and then learn to do it for others. It helps to find a really good therapist that is compassionately curious about you too.
Hi Jacob, I used the information from this video and the others from your attachment series for a project in my psychology class. I was wondering if there were any studies you could recommend relating to the topic. Thanks for the help and keep up with the good videos!
I've gotten so much out of your videos and podcast episodes Jacob. I love your approach to trauma and therapy. I'm often recommending them to other psychologists as well as my clients. I appreciate your videos about the different attachments styles (which I have found have helped me to gain further personal insight into my own patterns too) but feel the "set" is not complete without one specifically about disorganised attachment style. Would be great to see a video or similar on that topic and how it relates to trauma treatment and misdiagnosis. Cheers!
Thank you so much for your videos, I find them immensely helpful as they add a different dimension to the current literature out there. My own dilemma is that I'm an attractive, sympathetic female but I seem to be meeting and attracting only avoidant men. I've had experiences with persons with Narcissistic Personality Disorder, including a step parent, a partner, a couple of friends, former bosses, but I am aware and am able to process those particular experiences. I have become wary of dating and meeting people. What is the dynamic at work here? Why do I seem to be meeting disordered people? Have I become hypervigilant due to my experiences, and how does that differ from the norm? I'd appreciate it very much if you could provide some insight.
Try to check on your self worth & self love. That's a good barometer. People who are low on those usually attract narcissist. Also check your attachment style, whether you have a codependency tendency, or are you emotionally unavailable. Also experts say that you basically date your parents/recreating your experience with your parents (with your opposite sex parent (father) in case of love relationship), so contemplate on that too. Hope it helps. ☺️
Thank you Jacob for your videos. I relate to this very much. Ive been working on myself for these passed 2 yrs i am 35 now and always ask why do i feel like this ive been the avoidant person and anxious. I feel I have taken steps forward and can see the light. I like to fully feel secure so I can teach me son how to live a healthy live. As well I been dating my gf on and off for 3 yrs she is avoidant also she slowly opens up but it's up to her my question is what can I do to show support? Thank you again and hope there are more videos on these subjects.
wow, you're an inspiration for working so hard on self-improvement. Hopefully you can find a therapist to help you along your journey and i personally think the most important thing is to open up those channels of communication both with your family and with yourself. Treat yourself and your family with love and understanding. Learn to understand the function of the parts of yourself (and others) that you might not like and understand its nobler purpose. When i have more time and money, i'll try to make more videos to help people like you along the way. Thanks for encouraging me to do more.
I can’t make friends and be in love because it ruins me to care and to love. And that will hurt the other person always. I stopped caring and getting myself in a position where i get attached for years but... i still the same and now, i know someone for two weeks now and i’m terrified of losing them already. i feel like it won’t work. it’ll break me if it doesn’t work because they’re soo bright and i will miss out on a lot if I lose them and idk if i would ever be more than friends with them or not and whether I’m enough for it or ready to... cuz i know i’ve never been ready. I can’t handle going through these things more and more again and again.
The first step to solving a problem is recognizing that the problem exists. So just by educating yourself you are already a step closer to healing. It is hard to deal with and I hope you can continue to heal. The best way, that I have found is to tell yourself that you deserve happiness. You should have your needs met and while other people are important, you are important as well. Maybe explain your concerns to your partner and they can help you with your problems. Open communication is good for relationships. Note: I'm not a therapist, and this is just my own opinion. :)
XGene Cooper thank you for your kind words. Your opinion is appreciated. I’m trying my best and doing things anyway regardless. But when it comes to making friends, would it also help to tell them that? Cuz the problem still exists whenever i like/love someone i think. Mb not as intense as it used to be? Mb the same? not sure. It would be awkward tho to tell them that, no? n mb not enough? It’s hard to find something else that is practical about it i guess, you know what i mean?
The approach to look for reflective function and mentalization is important but will often fall short because of two factors: most traumatized persons (what is usually the case with so-called dysfunctional attachment styles) have a divided psychic structure. So prefrontal development whatsoever (like reflection and mentalization) will often change little to nothing for disowned or dissociated parts of the psyche, it will foremost help the so-called ANP-Part (Nijenhuis et al). Secondly Attachment Styles root deeply in bodily routines (the nervous system there seen as part of the body), so the practitioner has to embrace that, to achive meaningful experiences on the felt-sense level to really change the attachment styles at its core. Today, different approaches are available to include the field of body awareness in trauma- and attachment work.
My friend, I'm new to your channel and, my god, this is hitting home. I will continue viewing your material. Do you happen to know anyone with this expertise in LA? I would love to talk with someone about attachment issues that I face daily. Cheers!
I wish I did. It's so hard to find a good therapist. I appreciate the honesty in your response. I really think this moment to moment micro neglect and micro abuse is where it's at...
Lovely video Jacob. !! Just today I was searching for ways to move from avoidant to secure and your attachment series videos were just to the point about the subject. Do u recommend any ways for moving from avoidant to secure apart from building self respect, empathizing with others? I still fear about abandonment even after empathizing with others.
Thank you. There are so many suggestions that I can't put them into a short reply. You do inspire me to carve out more time to produce more content and work on my book again. You might find some of my blog posts helpful too... www.drjacobham.com
yeah, this is where there's no short cut. You have to do the earnest work of good therapy. My preference is finding a relational therapist, but other forms of therapy might be helpful too. You just can't give up finding the right person and sometimes you have to shop around.
Soo....we now should learn how to mind-read while interacting with others...- how fun! Tracking other's emotions while in the moment, that is so hard to do. Plus what we see is only our perceived impression of the person based on what they give us- not necessarily their true emotions.
True that emotions can be deep and deceptive, but the act of wondering and being open to understanding is more important than getting it right. In fact, I love it when I think I know but then someone explains what they are really feeling and it's a level of depth or complexity that leaves me awed and appreciative.
Hello, I want to ask, is it possible to earn a secure attachment from a fearful avoidant attachment without a therapist? I've recently seen a therapist but he graduated from the school, so he couldn't accept me as his patient anymore. However, he left me with a tool called, 'narrative letter writing therapy' in which you write three letters to yourself in three different perspectives. So, I was wondering if it is possible at all to carry this out alone? Or is it not recommended as it may cause other issues as well? Delighted to hear your response and thank you for your videos!
I'm never one to suggest stopping someone from following their path of healing, whatever path that takes. Even though I'm a psychotherapist, I'm very cognizant of the fact that psychotherapy is really just one of many paths to healing. Though I personally don't know or use the tool you mentioned, it sounds like it could be very useful. It honestly sounds a little bit like internal family systems, so maybe you could research that as you do this task, and use what you learn as a guide. In my work, the most important thing I focus on is helping people improve their relationship to themselves, so it is a lot like this tool and internal family systems. In that vein, my very general suggestion (which may not even apply to you) is that you treat yourself with compassion and objectivity as you continue growing. My bias is to encourage you to find another therapist. Think of psychotherapy as a personal trainer for your mind. You can always go to the gym and work out and make some progress, but a good personal trainer tracks your form, helps you identify a goal, creates a systematic plan to achieve your goal, spots you when you need it, and probably pushes you way harder than you push yourself. In my own practice, I try to get people on the edge of emotional nausea, just like a personal trainer pushes you to the edge of physical nausea. It's at the edge of discomfort that growth happens most. Whatever path your life takes next, best of luck!
Is it possible to become more secure in realtionships through self awareness and self acceptance. Living more consciously and with more empathy instead of judgement towards our partners?
It’s so interesting - I am always aware what my partners intentions are - I’d hear him saying something and think he’s trying to get somewhere - there’s something he’s not saying he’s scared to say or is not even aware he wants to say. Today I said to him: babe I think there’s something underneath what you’re saying? What are you scared of? Or what’s your intention? What are you trying to really communicate? I made sure to recreate him so that he felt heard about his original point. But alas, the conversation led to another scenario of him being avoidant and me being anxious. We always fall into the anxious-avoidant cycle - and from previous relationships I’ve learned to be healthier - where I communicate my needs without blame as opposed to saying I want to leave him. And I understand he has his emotional state and childhood trauma. But I have a long way to go because: 1) as soon as he blames or judges my experience, ends up leaving me cold turkey for a week - minimal responses mostly saying “I don’t have time. And don’t want to deal with this. I have more important things to do.” I end up calling him selfish and cold - which I see is not productive and only triggers him further. 2) I still feel paralyzed by my emotions when he invalidates them - it’s like I need his validation to know that what I feel is real. And if I don’t get it from him - I go to my mum or best friend to get the validation: hey I said this to my partner, this is how I feel. Am I right to feel this way? 3) instead of saying I’m leaving: I communicate that it’s a feeling I’m having- “I feel like leaving and breaking up but I know it’s a present moment feeling that will likely change.” And he’s still avoidant and leaves or shuts me out. It makes sense that he is still triggered by that. I don’t know how to not feel what I feel and how to express it without triggering him? Or not to be triggered by him in the first place. 4) And I still feel like I can’t move on until he and I smooth it all out. So I’m left wanting, I’m left feeling abandoned and stranded to deal with all the coldness and selfishness I perceive him to have. I realise he has his share of issues and deep down just wants to be loved and doesn’t know how. Relationships feel tumultuous. But I know we both love each other a lot and have a growth mindset - we’ve improved a lot but there’s still a long way to go.
Thank you for sharing your experience here. Unfortunately, I can relate! And, I know that with humility, self-reflection, self-acceptance, love and on-going noticing-and-making-different-choices, things can be different (aka: healthier)... and by 'things', I mean me and my relationship. Good Luck! In this with you!
Jacob Ham - thank you :) that’s a great idea! I’ll do that :) things have gotten better he’s becoming less avoidant - I believe because he feels more heard now - I’ve been trying a lot harder to hear him out! (I have ADHD so interrupting is hard to avoid ahah - but recently I’ve tried hard to listen and make sure he’s heard) and I think it’s made a huge difference. I realise maybe he would run away and be avoidant because maybe he didn’t feel heard!
