Feeling fortunate to be this attachment style. I have a HUGE family and if Mom or Dad couldn’t help there was always a family member happy to step up. #grateful
As someone who has Avoidant attachment, I will make sure my future kids will have secure attachment. I'm not making the same mistakes my mom did. I mean I love my mom. She did the best she could given the circumstances. Now I know not to ignore quiet babies.
There's something about Jacobs voice, its so soothing and compassionate, that listening to his videos and learning about the topic of trauma feels less threatening and triggering. I watched all the videos today, and afterwards i found myself managing to enjoy my evening without having bad thoughts. I dont think its a coincidence, as the last few months I've spent almost all my evenings feeling sad, lonely and triggered.
Jacob. I'm a mother of two toddlers who is trying to learn more about child development. I've seen several videos on secure attachment. I can say that your video is the best - direct and clear to understand. I hope you make more videos so parents and/or caregivers like me can benefit from your excellent videos. I appreciate your work. Thanks again.
This should be screen for in schools and those with Insecure Attachment Styles should be given specialized teachers who understand this and understand that they need extra and specialized care. Of course Teachers are only going to want to teach stable children but such is life that life is intense.
Indeed, when my feet hurt and I wanted to go home, my parents told me to shut up. But other times my mom told me to just ask whenever I need or want something. And now I have an anxious-ambivlant attachment. Weird how that goes, huh?
Not exactly. While that’s obviously the best case scenario, the parent can also soothe the child and tell them WHY it’s ok to be out late. If the child complains about painful feet, reassure them that the human body is actually stronger than they think. At a young age, reassurance is key, as opposed to the parent simply saying ‘No’.
@@truelightseeker Not sure what the ambivalent part means for you but no it makes perfect sense given what you said about your upbringing. Best of luck in healing it❤️
Yes, let’s face it: the world is unfair. The kids who got secure attachment will be more liked in the future because the grow up to be warm and pleasant because they feel loved since they were born into this world. While the ones with insecure attachment, experience even more rejection when they are getting older since they grow up to become not as cheerful, somewhat distant and aloof, keep people at arm’s length.. because they never experienced warmth and being soothed during their childhood. They grew up become very self-reliant. I am very proud of people who survive insecure attachment during childhood. For it surely not an easy one, as myself have experienced. No one really know what’s going on inside and acknowledges the difficulties but you alone, because it is invincible .. but when you look deeper it really affect your whole life. It truly is an inner work and lifetime work to heal from this kind of attachment trauma.
I am so thankful I have this attachment style :) :) my parents and relatives where actively involved in my life. The love I received was soo much from relatives, grandparents, parents, and church members :)#ShamelessBrag#
I remember as a kid, I had cried a lot. I wanted my parents attention but instead was threatened to “shut up or else I’ll throw you in the dumpster”. This is why I struggle with speaking up or expressing my feelings.
I feel so lucky to see this video and learn from it. I totally agree with it, it is so clear and exactness to explain about secure attachment. It guide me about how to treat my child and my children in my work. Build self confidence is the most important thing for a child, and let children feel secure is the basic and most important thing to build their self confidence. Then based on it, children can grow up with both body and mental healthy.
I hate these kids because I could never experience life the way they did. I could never ask for help when I needed it and I was too scared to explore or socialize. I'd watch how naturally everything came for them while I just kept my head down working in isolation. I was smarter than all of them in school but in the end it didn't matter because they developed happier healthier social lives and careers. It seems so unfair that from the moment you start life your path is partially predetermined. I never got to be as happy as these people and I fear I never will.
Sorry to hear that you feel such despair. I hear the seed of hope in your use of "partially predetermined." You, with the support of caring other people, have the power to determine the other part!
Jacob Ham Thank you for making these videos. I don't know how much was my head or reality, but I always felt rejected by these kids growing up even though I wasn't bullied. I missed out on a lot of growing up, maybe my parents didn't nudge me in the right direction and let me hide from the world. I ended up consistently very isolated, afraid of the world, dependent on family and not good at making or keeping friends. I tried really hard to make people laugh and win their favor, and it seemed like I was for a while, but there was always a wall that prevented any real friendships. When I reached college I couldn't handle it and became a recluse. I think I have Avoidant Personality Disorder now with dependent disorder and god knows what else. Far cry from my elementary school teachers telling me "you'll be a doctor when you grow up, I can tell." Total isolation, total shutdown, still with same family, confused and directionless. Never did drugs or drinking or anything like that. Did use internet, movies, games and escapism to cope though. I'm trying to understand the patterns of what went wrong and not repeat them in the future.
Kat Gardner I don't know how to heal. I want to have poise and confidence. I want the security of a successful career and a happy healthy family. I spent the past two days crying because my childhood crush and so many others my age have achieved all this, but I can't. I think I also adopted a lot of my older brother's insecurities as well. I followed his lead on many things, but couldn't even socialize as well as he could. In high school I felt so close to almost normal. I was doing well in school, I was working after school, I was in a band, I visited Europe for two weeks with my class, studying for SATs, visiting colleges, studying with kids after school, I wrote for the school paper, I learned how to drive, I ran for student council. I was invited to my cousin's big wedding and we vacationed together. Now my cousins don't even talk to me because my mom wouldn't stop fighting with them. Also my parents were divorcing, my brother died, my grandmother/aunts/uncle died, my family wrecked the car I planned to drive to school/work. The girl next door whom I loved since I was little I could never tell her how I felt and she started dating another guy. Several girls seemed interested in me but I put up a wall between us and was too unsure of myself to try to date them. A few girls seemed to have crushes on me, but I just liked the attention. I think because my brothers didn't date I felt like I wasn't supposed to. I didn't have any real social life outside of school. A few girls asked me to go to prom with them and I said I couldn't. I got into one of the most selective schools in the country, I was also offered a huge scholarship to attend NYU. Still I felt like a failure when I graduated from high school. I wanted to go to an Ivy League school. I had never been rejected like that before. I wouldn't accept it. Even when I was in college I immediately started trying to transfer to a "better" university. I joined an NCAA sports team because I believed if I was athletic maybe I would prove I was good enough to be friends with. I started making friends in college, but I still never went to parties. Eventually I had a breakdown, fought with my roommate, embarrassed myself, my grades plummeted, I went to a school counselor who was no help and went home feeling like a loser. I never again spoke to any of the students I got to know that year. I didn't plan it, but the following year I couldn't return to college. I quit school and my parents didn't even seem to care. My grandfather died and at the funeral my uncle seemed like he was the only person concerned for me. I felt like he was attacking me, but in retrospect he was right to be alarmed. I tried to go back to school twice, but I became a total recluse. My confidence was shattered and the school sent me home on medical leave. They said my family needed help. My parents took me in and let me quit life permanently. I think they were happy to have me back home doing chores around the house, living like a recluse. My mom told me college was too expensive and I should avoid psychiatrists. She discouraged me from ever going back to college even though the school wanted me to return. She also discouraged me from moving, getting a car, or even traveling. Anything I suggested was not safe or a waste of money. I avoided social media like the plague hearing stories of how it made people feel worse about themselves. I indulged in escapism like my father and older brother do. I am a relentless daydreamer now. I try to imagine a way out of this life. I am depressed now. I want to be an adult, but I can't do it. I see people my age and younger holding their kids, playing with them and I want to burst into tears. I see most of my childhood classmates have grown into mature adults. I feel broken inside, defective.
Z Go see a therapist who you are compatible with. I had a lot of the same issues you have and was greatly helped. It may take years but that's okay. Just be open to the process and consistent with it. Hang in there.
Chasiraw I'm trying, but I just got rejected from 2 therapists this summer or at least told come back in the Fall. They're too busy, too many people need help. I don't know where to go. Most places don't have a sliding scale either.
In my opinion everybody as a baby had moments of secure and avoidant and ambivalent attachments but that there is one attachment style that defines a person more than another attachment style. I can say for now I have a blend of all of them but my major style is secure attachment style becasue I have good relationships with people especially friends and my mom and dad.
Thank you for watching. There's one more in the series that will tie everything up and explain why this stuff is so important and how to use it clinically.
If your parents fight constantly (verbally), and still are protective about you, can that affect you confidence or selfesteem? Because I feel that that caused me to be more distant from them. They are here for me at all costs, but scream at eachother quite often. I might not know anything about this subject but it doesn't feel right at all, even if they've told me that it isn't my fault. If it helps I'm 12, but thisnhas nothing to do with puberty, and the "confusion" of it
Hi, sweetie. Thanks for leaving a comment. You have nothing to be confused about. Your feelings about the situation seems spot on. Now that you are entering adolescence and growing more aware of yourself, I hope you have the courage to appreciate how complex we all are and we have multiple self experiences and multiple, often conflicting, feelings about nearly everything. Being able to tolerate complexity can lead the some of the greatest moments of beauty when you learn to accept all of it. I'd suggest that you ask your parents to find you a good therapist, so you have someone to help you make sense of and hold this wonderfully complex person you are growing in to. And, make sure that therapist makes you feel safe, supported and known.
Wow I know realize I have the secure attachment style and some of the people I have been with do not. And I’ve felt that’s why I have issues in relationships.
Thats probably not accurate, as if you DID have a secure attachment style, you'd more than likely still be in a relationship and the other person would develop a secure attachment to you.
Is it possible to develop a secure attachment towards on only one parent? My mom often had to do house chores when she came back from work, so it was my dad whom was more emotionally engaged with me and met most of my emotional needs. I love my mother, but I am so much closer to my dad today, and feel safer sharing things with him while being afraid of my mom judging me.
i honestly avoided making the one for disorganized because honestly it seems to be a lot like ambivalent, though more extreme and chaotic and i really want people to focus on healing rather than labeling.
@@JacobHamPhD I realize I'm late to the party here so sorry for commenting on an old post. Would you maybe be willing to reconsider doing disorganized? I identify with that a lot when I heard about it and it was really helpful to me to understand some of my behaviors. But I know from the outside I can seem more avoidant sometimes...I don't know, its kind of a confusing style so it might be useful to have your clarity on it
is it possible to say that i have secure attachment style although i dont remember being secure as a child? I feel like this security comes in after a lot of work ive put through to myself, im still working on it tho. However, because i still have mild anxiety, i fear that i might be secure yet also anxiously attached.
I know you were probably asking the channel owner but, for what it's worth, as a person on a journey to a more secure attachment style; I also believe it's possible to "earn" your way to it via therapy, self-care, etc. I think the better your relationships support and reflect it back, the better/faster that process will be.
Can innate problems that babies and children have override even the most attentive care from parents? Like things that the parents can’t help them with
What about a child who had an abundance of attention from all family members in their early stages and as they got older became more independent, they still sort of demand the same intensity and level of attention from their earlier stages ? When the child (now 10 years old) isn’t being constantly dotted over like they were as a toddler they tend to get resentful and guilt trip the parents ...however their needs are still being met , it’s just now adjusted their age and level of independence. The affection (hugs , words of Affirmation etc) are still present and appropriate for their age .... Is this normal and why does it seem like an insecure attachment is forming after being the center of attention from the start of their birth?
I'd encourage you to think about the moment to moment attunement and not the grand gestures or the satisfaction of more basic physical or financial needs. You might discover that the older child is in truth embodying a need that was never quenched...
It seems that I fit secure attachment style quite well. But the root cause (secure parenting, stable household) everybody uses to explain it doesn’t match at all. Has someone done a study on the impact of adolescence/young-adulthood on one’s attachment style?
Yes, there is a great video from Andrew Huberman that goes over the attachment styles, the research done, one specifically, and then gives ways using the latest research and science that we may change an unhealthy attachment style. Huberman is awesome and is professor at Stanford. Love his teachings.
Also, I never realized I had "RAD" Reactive Attachment Disorder, until a couple of years ago, I'm 51. RAD for some reason is not officially a diagnosis foe adult's, only kids. Makes no sense, because if the kid does not get help and healing, they will grow up into an adult with attachment issues. These are very real and I'll tell you, I was born to a mom on heroine, she dragged me around from strangers place to place and would leave me with monsters and disappear for days or weeks, then come get me and off we went. I had to daily try and survive the physical abuse form her boyfriends, and food was often not available. I have memories from 2 years old it was so traumatic. I never spoke about any of my abuse, did not think anyone would care. I gave my past the middle finger and promised that I would raise my family different and never make an unsafe hone. I have been married for 26 years and we have 4 kids. Last year my wife did not let me come home after a biz trip. Long story short, it's because of my attachment style, I don't trust anybody except my wife and kids, and I never hurt them physically, but in the early years u was so immature emotionally from the childhood I had, when talks that were difficult like money, differences is hoe we wanted to do parenting, I would act like a 11 year old boy and raise my voice. Not reply aware of how intimidating it was. I changed over the years, but I was struggling inside to really connect wirh my wife. Sorry for the long message, but I want people to know this is real and if you have an unhealthy attachment style, work on fixing it as best as u can with therapy,before entering a relationship, because it could hurt them badly and you. I know I'll be back with my wife, but this might take abither year. So painful.
Children also need to learn that their needs cannot always be met on demand and develop realistic expectations about the world. What really harms a child is prolonged neglect, humiliation and abuse.
yeah, i have patients like that and they never believe that they deserve to be treated well or deserve to even ask for their needs to be met. It's very heartbreaking.
Jacob Ham I deny my own needs 😪 I'm not sure how to ask for it, like it's not appropriate to ask for it and I always feel bad so in relationships, I deny I need anything when I desperately need it. Thanks for the vid... now I can start my healing process or whatever it is I need
