I’ve found that men’s rooms are far less hostile than women’s. From my experience (I pass as male like 70% of the time) men are just there to go to the toilet, in and out super quick so barely bat an eyelid. They are almost always disgusting, which I think means people assume you wouldn’t go in there unless you had to.
Yeah, I asked my partner Jason to tell me about them while I was preparing for this video and he was like, "You're not asking because you're thinking of using them, are you? Because they're pretty gross and if I had a choice I wouldn't" 😂
Srees Would you like it if men walked past you in the women’s toilet while you were exposing your vulva to pee? Men don't want females walking past them at the urinals.
You just described literally all my thoughts and experiences about bathrooms. It's such a hard area to navigate, especially when it's not just the reaction of others that's the problem, but also this feeling of not belonging and betraying ourself when we go in gendered bathrooms. I long for a future of ungendered public bathrooms so badly. Not to mention gender neutral locker rooms!
I can understand your perspective on the bathrooms. As a cis Woman if I see someone who is in the Womens room who may be read as a different gender by someone who does not personally know them I just figure that they feel safer in the Womens room than the other rooms that they may have to choose from. I do hope that more places start to offer Family bathrooms. It's way more inclusive and safe for some people. I loved your outfit that you wore for the play!
In one of the two college's buildings I go to class, there are gender neutral bathrooms. Like there're two doors but no signs so I'm just so euphoric and proud when I use those bathrooms
Honestly, trying to decide which bathroom I should use is emotionally exhausting on a daily basis. When I started my transition I presented pretty hyper-masculine and got asked to leave women's restrooms several times, so I switched to using the men's. Now that I've gotten more comfortable with my identity and started presenting androgynously, I'm almost always read as female, but I'm too scared to go back into the women's restroom since people got upset at me before. No one has yet given me any trouble for using the men's restroom, but I'm definitely more on edge. When I can, I go to the less occupied floors of whatever building I'm in and use the restrooms there. It's inconvenient to go out of my way, but I feel much more at ease.
The app Refuge Restroom is really helpful for locating single-stall restrooms around you, and you can update it with new locations you find. The maps in some parts of the country are more intensively filled out than others. I used it for a long time but now mostly use the men's if there isn't a gender neutral option. In California, since March 2017, it has been the law that any single stalled public restroom must be labeled gender neutral.
Oh, that's awesome about California! I have looked on Refuge Restroom before but unfortunately it has basically nothing for the area where I live. I love that it exists though and I should probably add the ones I know about on there!
I feel very similarly that it's not that I WANT to use the men's room as much as I feel uncomfortable being seen using the women's room because it doesn't align with how I feel about myself. This has been on my mine a lot lately because I'm in a place where people are more or less still reading me as a woman, but I also get some odd looks in the women's bathroom at this point. I do plan to stay on testosterone so it may become less of an issue for me going forward eventually, but right now it's just so hard to exist in public. And no one should have to feel that way. I'm sorry that so many of my nonbinary siblings are faced with this problem indefinitely because it's very uncomfortable and feels unsafe. My biggest fear right now is using the "wrong" bathroom in someone's eyes and it starting a confrontation. A friend of mine gave me the advice that I should use whichever feels safest and that if anyone gave me a hard time for using the women's room that I can fall back on my ID which still has a F gender marker. I think that advice is good, but I'm with you that I don't like the idea that using the women's room gives people a signal that I want to be read as a woman. Anyway, thanks for the video. It feels good to be able to talk about this.
That's a good point about the ID (though I wonder how this will go over in states that are offering X markers now?) but I just... don't want to have to prove I belong somewhere, especially somewhere I already feel like I don't. Ugh. Thank you for sharing all this though. It's both comforting and depressing how many of us share these anxieties.
@@CelesteM yes, comforting and depression is exactly right! And yeah, I'm hoping the an X marker becomes standard and that it encourages more public places to just get rid of gendered bathrooms (or add non gendered options). I personally would love to get an X gender marker but my state doesn't offer it and a trans friend of mine pointed out that even if MY state gets one, it would still make traveling difficult until passports ALSO have X gender markers. I'm hopeful that the world will catch up eventually, but in the meantime day to day stuff is just unnecessarily complicated and unwelcoming.
I'm kinda-sorta in a similar position, except I was on T for longer, so I can majority pass as male. I very rarely use women's rooms, but sometimes it's easier or feels safer. Most of the time, I just use the men's room and pretend I feel confident enough to be there, my voice is deep enough that I can drop into the lower register if anybody bothers me. But there are also times, like recently at the movie theater, where I just don't feel comfortable using a gender segregated public bathroom. I seriously had to pee, but I held it until we got home. On road trips, I joke that my trans super power is holding it ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Has anyone ever bothered you? My voice is never read as male so I don't think that would help me much anyway but just curious how you handled it if you have.
You know, interestingly no one has ever said anything to me about me being in the wrong bathroom. A few times, I've had dudes say "sup", which might've been a bit of a test, but otherwise I've escaped unscathed. I have a few comebacks ready for use, like "I'm an adult, I think I know which bathroom to use by now." I did have to go into the women's room to try to find something a customer had left there, early in transition, and a woman looked at me weird and that was the beginning of the end of the women's room for me. I want to prioritize their safety and comfort since I do generally seek to pass as male in public. I think I'm in a unique position of being genuinely androgynous and hard to gender, so if someone is unsure looking at me, they see me walking into the men's room and go "oh I guess they're a boy" Part of it, too, is that I just walk with unshakeable confidence into whichever bathroom I've decided to use, among other subtle tricks :p
Recently I was out somewhere with my dad and he used public restrooms without any thought. I was just standing there thinking how nice it is for cis people to not have to put any thought into it. I also found it interesting that he didn't give any thought to the fact that maybe I had to go to the bathroom but couldn't because there was no gender neutral option.
my cousins (6 and 14), who know me as a girl and dont know anything about me being trans, would occasionally call me he/him, and the older one once laughingly said “i dont know anymore” and I just laughed and said “me neither”. but my younger cousin also would occasionally call me Kade/Kaiden, which sounds really similar to my deadname but is like the male version kind of. so that was nice that without saying anything my cousins read me as male and occasionally talked about/to me as male
Even before I realized anything about my gender, I've always preferred to use gender neutral bathrooms. Like I always used to go out of my way to find/use the gender neutral/"family" bathroom/single stall bathroom. Looking back, I think that was one of the earliest signs I am non-binary. I started doing these things back when I was 5 or maybe 6. (Old enough to really get a say in my bathroom usage.) Like if my family entered Walmart and went to the bathroom, I would say I didn't need to go but then whenever we got to the back of the store (or near the family bathroom) I would "suddenly" have to go as a 'emergency'.
I do all the same things when I'm in a bathroom alone, I'm nonbinary and I get read as "????" most of the time lol. I always wait for people to leave before I leave a stall, if i'm out with my partner I always ask her to come in the bathroom with me and I wash my hands right beside her and talk to her the whole time. I've always kept going in the women's washroom because I would rather have uncomfortable glances and awkward questions from women than physical altercations or confrontations with men. It just seems like the safer option even though it's not fun. Gender neutral washrooms would be rad though! For us, for parents, for caretakers of a person of a different gender, it'd be great for so many!!! Also nobody needs fucking urinals!! Bathrooms can all be the same, omg
I usually use the women's washroom because I know that I look more feminine that I want to and that I would stick out in the men's. However, if I'm able to wait, I usually wait till I get home, and I love when there are single stalls. One of the best gender-neutral washrooms I've ever been in was at this starbucks brewery in Seattle. There was one washroom with a sink near the door and had many stalls, every stall had a large door that reached the floor and taller than most people. Each stall had a toilet in it and had no label on the door. Only one door had a "male" sign and that was just to signify that it had a urinal in the stall instead of a toilet. I've only been there once, but it was a really nice experience since I didn't have to choose a washroom to use and no stall choice meant anything about myself.
Yesterday while I was running an errand for my mom, I was looking at men's underwear while sweating nervously. They were only five (Canadian) dollars, but it didn't want to tell me what "medium" meant. Also, it would be embarrassing if my family were to find a pair a boxers in the wash, even though they're very supporting.
I feel the exact same way you expressed in this video. Every time I step into a women's restroom it feels so alien. I'll make sure no one's in there and if there is I'll stay till the other person leaves or try to hurry up and leave before they see me.
Thanks for making this video. This is one of my top anxieties. We share many similar feelings. I use single stall rooms when I can. If there isn't any, I use men's restrooms except at the job I started before medically transitioning. I get plenty of looks and sometimes other people think they are in the wrong room because of me. After an incident, I always carry my ID with me in case customers have questions, since I am still marked as female on my card. FYI. I have not experienced men's restrooms being grosser than women's. It only takes one person to make everything gross for everyone.
This is me so, so much. in an ideal world I think we just wouldn't have gender segregated bathrooms and everyone could just be cool, but I don't really have any solutions for the right now world. I am planning on going on T enough to be consistently read as a man, but that's only so I can wear my preferred style (feminine, flamboyant, etc) without being misgendered, and I think that will put me in danger in men's rooms too. So I'm kind of in the same boat. I don't want to be in men's rooms, but at some point I don't think I'll have a choice
Ever since I was a child and I had to go to the bathroom. I'd wait until everybody got out of the girls bathroom so I could go. Also if I was using the bathroom and someone came in I would wait until they left. Even though I looked like a hundred percent female when I was a child I still felt like I wasn't supposed to be there.
I really have not worked out my feelings or approach to this topic for myself. My entire life I have always always always gotten stares for being in the women's bathroom. That or occasionally a man who is going into the men's restroom will think I am in line for the men's stall and then there is confusion when it is open and I do not go in. Or I will be in the women's bathroom and another lady will see me, leave the bathroom to go look at the sign. I probably should have thought this all through before going on vacation to Mexico. My experience there was that every time I asked where the bathrooms were I was lead to the men's but I've never actually been in one so it completely through me considering I know very little Spanish. It was interesting for me because at home I am predominantly gendered as female despite some people having confusion but in Mexico I do not think a single person gendered me as female the entire time. None of these things are helped by the fact that I have a pea sized bladder so I should probably work through my feelings surrounding this more.
I have been transitioning for almost 2 years now. I just celebrated 1 year on T injections and I identify as a non-binary genderqueer transgender transmasculine person. I started using the men’s restroom just as long ago. I don’t like to use the door with the dress cause like you, I don’t want to be read as female. I have used it in a pinch if I have to, or if I haven’t felt safe using the men’s, but usually I use the men’s. Now, I’m here to tell ya, men’s room is kinda gross, but I have to remind myself, the ladies can tear up their bathroom as well and I’ve seen it. I get read as both genders presently and I still have my chest (as it’s kind of hard to miss, surgery coming soon) and no facial hair. I have also sought refuge in the family restroom or have been lucky enough to come across all gender restrooms in various spaces. I would encourage you to use the men’s room and see it if works for you and go from there. My voice is deeper after being on T, but I still get read as female sometimes, especially when dealing with people from the south, weird.... I know there’s lots to worry about and your concerns are legit, but I think something else that could help is having a response prepared in case someone tries to engage with you. If I walk in the men’s, if someone says, ‘this is the men’s’ I say, ‘I am aware, thank you for your concern’ or if they say, ‘wrong bathroom’ I say, ‘no, I’m in the right place, but thank you for your concern’. I also just walk into the men’s room with eyes forward and do my thang and disregard everyone else, which is mostly what cisdudes do in the bathroom anyway. Hope some of this helps! You’ll figure out what works for you!
Feel this a lot and it's often because I'm with my son and I don't want him to be alone, he's 10 and has some anxiety etc I don't wanna leave him. I have just walked in to men's rooms when on my own, when I wanted to (no line) I just act like it's normal most people leave me alone.
I love your channel. I subscribed. That's so sad that you aren't okay using the restroom at every location. You're a human being who needs to go to the restroom and i wish you didn't feel like you had to hold it in. I don't know. That just seems really messed up.
I prefer gender neutral washrooms as I just don’t have to worry about anything with them. Otherwise, I use the men’s because that’s how I identify and even though I’m only 5’1 and 120 pounds, I still pass as male or questionable so don’t want to make women fearful in the women’s washroom. But in the men’s, I go into the stall and wait until no one is there to leave. More and more places are having gender neutral or single stall washrooms so that’s a good thing and I think it’s due to living in a big city. I love yours and Luxander’s channel! ❤️
Hi I relate so much to what you said, especially what you said about the awkwardness about both the men’s and women’s bathroom because I too am non-binary and I feel like ever since I was actively trying to dress in a way that made me more comfortable (masc/masc androgynous) I’ve been read in general as more ambiguous and so when I use the women’s room (my area doesn’t have many if any neutral options) I’m hyper aware that I do get looks and have had people pause but never outright say anything. It’s really weird and uncomfortable and I almost feel like saying ‘hey I don’t want to be in here either’. I know I don’t pass enough as male(it’s only happened twice) to feel safe to use the men’s plus I don’t really want to. Internally it also just don’t feel awesome in general because like you said to me it feels like by using the women’s bathroom I’m basically saying that’s how I want people to see me which is not at all true
Everyone should have a safe space to use the restrooms. In some restaurants, it is now together. Like they will have a common place to wash your hands but will have separate stalls to use the restrooms. I remember going to BareBurger in New York City and washing my hands with everyone who came into the bathroom regardless of gender. You should go to the bathroom when nature calls. You could develop an UTI if you hold it in too long. How long have you had your ear piercings? Can you do an update video on them?
That's great! I hope more places follow suit. And don't worry, I'm not usually going more than a few hours. I've had my earlobes pierces for a couple decades, tragus maybe 18 or 19 years, daith about 2.5 years, and rook about 1.5 years. What sort of update are you looking for?
I like hearing piercing updates like changing the jewelry. Have there been any changes...any challenges.etc. I don’t have a rook or a daith, but I have been interested in them.
I've been feeling the same way, I'm nonbinary transmasculine and starting T May 26th so yes ive been uncomfortable but also I have a BIG chest so I get looked at anyways I have to wait 2 years til top surgery.
I was really shocked when I came to the USA for top surgery. In the u uk disabled toilets are not gendered. Every other toilet is. Just for the reason that if you have a person that is the opposite gender of the disabled person it becomes problematic. Why they can't just do this everywhere boggles me.
One factor here is that a lot of places have silly building codes that require businesses to have at least one male and one female bathroom for every x number of occupants the place holds. It's a ridiculous rule that hopefully will be phased out in the near future, but in the meantime for some businesses, even if they want to offer a gender neutral bathroom, they can't. Plus even where the codes have been updated, businesses haven't necessarily caught up yet. They need to get with it.
Being non-binary and having to choose between the two is so ridiculous. I just don't use public restrooms unless they are gender neutral and hope that I won't get a UTI or something. I totally get feeling awkward in both.
Single stalled bathrooms are the best! I have seen some with signs indicating all genders (just wash your hands). I also love family bathrooms as I am a nonbinary, masculine-presenting parent but don't feel like I pass as 'male enough' to follow my young sons into the bathroom to ensure their safety. Also, why are changing tables only in women's bathrooms?!
Seriously! I work for Panera and four of us are trans or nonbinary, and we have gendered bathrooms. I'm nonbinary myself, but I feel safe using either one, thankfully.
What comment(s) are you talking about? I only delete comments that are harassment or hate speech, not just that I disagree with. RU-vid also deletes quite a few before I even see them.
