I co-lived with my husband for five years before we got married, and it does feel different. We both didn’t feel a pressure to get married right away because we both felt very secure in our relationship. After being married, I have noticed that I feel more comfortable making long term decisions and it feels like we are building a life together instead of just being roommates that are in a relationship.
22:07 husband and I had a short engagement (like 3 months) because we decided to buy a house together - had both been saving and getting engaged triggered the 'lets just have a look' conversation. A friend of mine was with her partner for 15 years (teenagers to 30s) and they owned a house but never married and no kids, when he died she was in a very difficult situation not knowing what she would get and what his family would get. I voiced it while we were dating that I'd never buy a house with someone I wasn't married to, he agreed and we followed through with a microwedding a couple of weeks after we got the keys. Other than security and legalities there aren't many reasons to marry these days
I pretty much agree. The only reason I would care to be married is to *legally* deincentivize bad behaviour and to make sure me and my future partner are *legally* taken care of in any situations. There is a religious aspect I *should* care about... but meh lol
Wills should always be updated to match the current situation. Even when me and my partner weren't married, if I had died my apartment would have gone to him thanks to my will.
Marriage is absolutely not a necessity for happiness, personal fulfilment or physical and financial security. It can absolutely cause the opposite of all these, nor is the western and modern idea for marriage necessary for societal functions as there are many documented cultures where marriage and kinship are very different from the western modern forms of marriage and kinship. THAT BEING SAID, the anti marriage trend is not an indicator for the improvement of any of the parameters mentioned above either, as it comes from a place of extreme individualistic ideology. I absolutely agree with you that being a part of any long term, tight knit social dinamic (i.e, also non marriage type long term partnership, coliving with family etc) leads to significantly more empathetic, cooperative, communal behaviours, as it really forces the individual to learn and adapt to be cosiderate of other's needs. The rejection of marriage just feels like it's coming from a place of "always put yourself first". Which is great until it isn't. It just feels very much like throwing the baby with the bathwater kind of philosophy. The rejection of marriage came as a rejection of a societal norm for the sake of societal normality. But at the same time it fails to recognise the benefits that norm had, and does not seem to give much consideration to what can replace it without discarding those benefits. Great video as always!!!
Honestly, I think the biggest issue is the cultural aspect of marriage. We've been conditioned to believe that the ONLY socially and culturally acceptable relationship status is a heterosexual marriage. Anything else is automatically deemed "bad," "irresponsible," and "selfish." Meanwhile, our culture is also drowning in a kind of toxic selfishness where helping others for any reason is often labeled as "enabling." Here in the US, people actively fight against community-strengthening measures like publically-funded daycare and healthcare. As a single parent, I was told that both me and my child deserved to suffer because people automatically assumed I had made bad choices that resulted in my single parent status. As a married parent, I was told to stop being irresponsible with money and stop expecting someone else to pay for my choice to have kids. Even as a single, childless person, I was often told things like, you shouldn't have gone to college if you couldn't pay for it, or it's your own fault that you can't find a good-paying job. All of these narratives are incredibly toxic and unhelpful, and they lead to a larger issue of people just not being willing to help other people at all under any circumstances. When the world is so unapologetically selfish, how is anyone even remotely surprised that fertility rates are dropping, the rates of single parents are rising, and communities overall feel less welcoming and stable than they once were?
@@chickenman6308 That's true, but I find it ironic that we are willing to do things like fund foreign wars and give billions in tax breaks and bailouts to large corporations, but the idea of helping someone pay off their student loans is utterly unacceptable. You can make the argument that helping our allies in war or allowing a corporation to continue with business as usual (even if their business practices are wasteful and unethical) benefits us all, but I feel like it really doesn't. The result has been a culture that idolizes big business and consumerism; one that justifies war and conflict as a necessary evil, but has no empathy for the person who lives next door. The average person has seen no benefit at all from corporate tax breaks or wars overseas. We as a society have no problem spending someone else's money. We've been doing that for centuries. Who we spend it on matters, though, and I would argue that the people getting the benefit of having money spent on them are not the ones who need it.
32:05 "But my last thought on the matter being that if we live in a society that will potentially collapse if not enough people get married, maybe we have more of a problem with the way we're running things and less of a problem with peoples' choices in their love lives."
I am frustrated by the narrative that marriage is merely an option that anyone can choose to pursue. As a single woman in my mid-30s, I would very much prefer to be married right now. I have been searching for the right partner for almost a decade and so far no luck. I often find myself thinking that the man I am looking for just doesn't exist and time is running out. None of this was my choice.
As far as the giving back to the community aspect, married couples have more time to give back or participate because they are splitting the household work. Separated families have to do twice the work since there are now 2 households… Plus, as a married couple we are being more active in our community to set a good example for our kid, as well as getting to know the members of our town more closely to gauge who our kid will be around. That part of it is a safety matter.
Listening to your video essay brought a new light to a highlighted issue in a book I'm reading called "Bringing Up Girls" (2010), which examines the need for girls to have the expectations, placed upon them by their parents, to make wise decisions about boys/men as they surpass puberty and enter adulthood. Your video makes me wonder what North America and other developed countries would look like if we (not just girls) took our decisions related to dating, partners, and sex very seriously, beginning as early as middle school. Perhaps there would be a higher percentage of married couples, or even kids living with two biological parents, which could have a positive effect on poverty, crime, and academic rates even one or two generations down the line.
I feel like this issue is so complex. I was raised in a religion that pushed marriage and children on girls from a young age, often without also educating them on the more important details of dating, consent, or even what to look for in a good partner. A good partner to them was religiously devout, and little else about them mattered. This created an environment where girls felt pressured to marry young, and often felt like they couldn't choose something different without being shunned. I also think we need to have a conversation about how fatherhood is largely viewed as "optional." Historically, all that was asked of men was to provide financially. Anything beyond that was considered "extra." It's really not surprising that men are just noping out of fatherhood altogether when society has historically put all of the responsibility for child rearing on women. And women almost always get the blame when dead beat dads refuse to help out instead of holing men to higher standards too. Even involved fathers are often limited in what they are willing to contribute towards raising their kids or helping out. It's really hard for a girl to find a good partner when the overall culture of parenting and marriage emphasizes the completely wrong things for the completely wrong reasons.
5:02 women used to rely on men for economic reasons but men also relied on women for homemaking reasons. A wife meant they didn't have to clean, cook or anything else 'feminine' which were skills those men just didn't have. Neither gender is as reliant, we get to pick and have that flexibility. I see a lot of women say that women have learnt to 'mens' skills but men haven't necessarily learnt the 'womens' side. Or expect women to do most of the 'womens' role and half the mens, leaving things unbalanced. Progress isn't always synced up, I'm sure when mens skills catch up the numbers will go back up, and people's social skills will catch up to more community based
I was raised in a true single parent household. My mom had a greater community when I was an infant, but as I got older her circle grew smaller and smaller... by the time I was a teenager we were extremely isolated. It made growing up with her extremely difficult, not to mention she was also working through her own traumas from childhood and adulthood. I don't really blame anyone, nor am I angry. It just sucks because I have no friends that understand my situation, at all. However, I do feel strong, and I am unlearning a lot of things. I hope I can do better for my community, whether that's a biological family or something else.
Im married with a child on the way, but if i hadn't found a partner who respects me and does his fair share it never would have happened. Men arent adjusting to the reality of gender equality, and until they do women will continue to avoid marrying them.
The way I see this talked about in the media, they frame it as a cause, and not an effect. This is 100% an effect of a different cause. It’s really problematic when people frame peoples’ choices as a cause of the issues in society rather than as a response to the larger issues present in the society
Interesting to hear the perspective of married couples and births…I feel like society still isn’t always supportive of couples having babies without marriage (archaic, but honest) so I’m not surprised by this. I will say been newly married it really is a different relationship dynamic, even from a long term relationship. You’re tied up as one, for the good and the bad.
I've been with my hs sweetheart for 9 years/ homeowners for 3 of those years & engaged for 2. We finally have our 10acres the way we want to host our families for our wedding next year. We've gone through so much ups, downs, & general growth together. We literally scoff & laugh at the idea of throwing away this extremely mature & beautiful relationship to just start over & try again with someone else. Ive been able to stay home, work on the property & my art because he has a salary stay at home job. We're both college dropouts but clearly, as far as the American Dream set of standards, im 24 & feel really good about where we are. We're building something we both want to pass on to our children & its genuinely made our lives more full having commitment & something beyond ourselves to care about.
I recognize the obvious advantages of having a whole family but rather than guilting the child by calling it a privilege we should be guilting the deadbeat parent.
I don't think it's guilting the child, it's simply an acknowledgement that what you may perceive as the "norm" actually provides you a great advantage over a good chunk of people who grew up in single parent homes. They shouldn't feel guilty - that's a self-centered feeling - they should feel grateful.
It's not a "guilt" issue, it's just reality. Having two (functional) parents is a huge privilege and gives you a leg-up over many other family situations
I do agree that its more accurate to say children without a fathernor mother are disadvantaged rather than those with both are privileged. Two parents is the default biologically.Anything less is a disadvantage and anything more is privilege.
@daughter_of_yeshua That's just being pedantic. Privilege is relative. That's like saying that being born in a developed country isn't a privilege because our standard of living is the norm. A nuclear two parent household is not the norm, it's a recent, and primarily western phenomenon. Pre-industrial revolution kids around the world were raised by communities and multigenerational households as opposed to isolated nuclear environments.
The source said your PERSONAL target. Meaning if you know you want three kids, but can only have one or two despite wanting another. Or wanting two but only being able to have one. Or wanting only one but getting pregnant with triplets. Listening and reading comprehension are very important.
@@MastigosAtLarge that makes sense. As a child I always wanted 2-3 kids. After having the first one and understanding what actually goes into making and raising them, I’m cured 🤭that means I’m only 33.3-50% from my target and happy to miss it
Our perception of marriage as a society is overrated. The idea of marriage being happily ever after as in you never experience conflict again isnt true. Its the expectation that it will be happily ever after that causes us disappointment when we realize that marriage has conflict just like any other relationship. So many people as children werent given a model of healthy conflict resolution as children and therefore missed a crucial lesson in how to do this themselves as adults. People today tend to throw in the towel when it gets hard because they just dont know how to resolve conflict. People today also tend toward more selfish behaviors, which adds to the conflict. Love and respect for one another is what is needed for a healthy marriage and relationships. People really dont know how anymore, but we can learn. We can break cycles and love each other as much as ourselves.
Of course being single and not having kids when you’re young is fun but when you get older and lonely and men don’t look at you anymore, you’re gonna regret it lol
Actually studies show that that the happiest people who live the longest are single women. Also even if you don't have a partner doesn't mean you have to be lonely. I've been single for 4 years and never felt alone. I'm still out having fun with friends and family. Not all love has to be romantic. Platonic love is just as important.
Perhaps that's part of the problem. The fact that men don't look at older women the same is a toxic social and cultural construct that we created, and too many men and women subscribe to it. Many older women are drop-dead gorgeous, but our society has been conditioned to reject them because they're too old. It's a statistical fact that female actors and performers have fewer opportunities compared to men as they age, regardless of how good-looking or talented they are. It's quite sad, and it's a sentiment that really does need to change.
@@ElinWinbladShe said they ate happiest which I would assume equates to quality of life. It’s a sociological thing. Women have more social networks and do not receive the same benefits as men when they are married. Married men are in better health because they are taken care of
