What is "coercive control"? (Glossary of Narcissistic Relationships) 

She’s such a beautiful and caring woman. The selflessness it must take to spend this much time trying to help people who were hurt by narcissists is amazing to me, I’m so grateful

It is even more dangerous when the narcisist is extremely intelligent

"Coercive control results in slowly hijacking a person's life, stealing their independence, stealing their ability to take action and governing every move that they make. It is controlling, it is manipulative, and it is exploitative " "In a word coercive control is relational imprisonment." Thank you Dr Ramani. You have said it all.

“There’s literally almost no way to get a sense of reality.” You just lifted so much shame from me for why I tolerated this b.s.

For me, the psychological abuse has been more damaging than the physical abuse. Decades later I can't recall all the physical abuse but the open wounds and scars of the psychological abuse remain.

"Oh! But he takes such good care of you and your daughter, and he ALWAYS talks about how much he loves you!"

It’s so hard for someone who has never been in one of these relationships to begin to understand what this is like on a moment to moment level. Thank you for making me sane!!

Coercive control= "Relational imprisonment" Very true!

I used to have to wear a bluetooth headset everywhere I went so my narc could hear everything anyone said to me. Almost 8 years free.

I have watched and subscribed to SEVERAL channels about narcissism. None of them are as thorough and understanding as this one! Dr. Ramani, thank you for the time, talent and resources you spent in making this content. You are greatly appreciated!

I came out of my childhood of extreme control and heavy gaslighting with no sense of self or reality. I thought I was worthless, unlovable and also not able to love. My mum is a malignant narc and gaslit the shit out of me by projecting all her faults on me. It was incredible to watch my reality kinda bending back into shape as I left home and I found out I was actually the total opposite of what I believed. I had to get to know myself. Such a strange experience but so freeing. I remember vividly when I was a child, for the longest time, I was praying that my mother would just die. That's how bad it was and that's how helpless I felt. I used to say, it wasn't so bad, others had it far worse, I was mostly okay. But now looking back, it was actually pretty bad... I got anxiety and PTSD from it. But I am healing and I've got some great friends who help me.

Coercive control also happens with parents to children. My parents did this to me

This is the exact thing I am experiencing right now and it happens very slowly and before you know it you're looking like a homeless person in your own home.

This episode brought tears to my eyes, Dr Ramani. I was married to a malignant narcissist for over 40 years. I finally was able to get out. My heart goes out to those who experience this now. You are such a treasure!! Please keep up this work.

My mother did 90% of these things to me. I started shaking as I listened to this. My eyes widen in shock as I remembered; it all came back to me. I've never recovered from those years. She was a sadistic, psychopath or malignant narcissist, who had everyone convinced she was a saint and could seduce people feeling sorry for her as if she was a victim or good mother. There was no one to turn to for help. She should have been put in prison.

My sister did all of this to me for many years. A malignant narcissist, she tried to kill me 32 times before i was 7. My parents worked 12 hours a day, often 7 days a week for years. They only saw the tip of the iceberg. They were marvellous people & loved me very much, so I was fortunate, but circumstances were that they had to work very hard. They sent her to boarding school to give me safety, but I could never tell them about the extent of her abuse because of her violent threats. I have spent 30 years undoing the horrendous damage done. Only now are memories locked away by sheer terror surfacing.

This hits home, Dr Ramani. You just described my life to a T. By the time I reached the point of discard, I had lost everything, including my identity. I could barely recognise myself. I had become what he conditioned me to be. And the saddest part, my children have only seen this side of me while they look up to their father because he knows how to play the cards. He has flying monkeys hovering around him, validating his lies, while I stand alone as a result of 2 decades of isolation and financial dependence.

I found other ppl not believing what i was saying about the narcissist ex boyfriend, even worse than the narc abuse

This just hit home for me when she said they isolate you from work. When I was pregnant with my child my boyfriend at the time said I could stay home I didn't have to work. After I had my kid he told me like oh I got it all working you stay home with the child. Then he would tell me I don't do nothing but stay home he would belittle what I've done for our child and make it seem like he's done more for our child. He's put me through so much emotional and mental abuse and I didn't realize he was a narcissist until I left him for good.

Oh my word, yes, my mother did this with me. She always made everyone else seem bad according to her own standards.

The hardest part is to find out why you ended up in a toxic relationship. Being honest to myself.....

Narcissistic mother and narcissistic husband=No support, severe PTSD for me... Thank you so much for these videos and the kind community here...,stay strong...

"A person who is living through or experiencing coersive control is living in constant fear." - describes how I feel around my mother. Describes my whole life till I was 26. Says a lot about a parent as well. Thanks for this video.

This video was truly terrifying and eye opening. It gave me goosebumps multiple times. Because I was hearing an exact representation of the malignant narcissist I was in a relationship with for 6 year. The isolation and manipulation, constantly texting and calling. Wondering where I was, who I was with; when I would be back. Insisting in ALWAYS involving themselves in whichever and almost always every situation I was in. The demands; when to go to bed (always the same time) forcing me to cuddle every single and if upon waking we weren’t, hearing about it immediately. Having to wake when they did, just to sit there and watch them prepare for work. Gaslighting and devaluing when I simply wanted to spend time with me friends alone. “Why wouldn’t you want me there! Why do you need “alone” time?!” On my days off keeping me at home waiting for them while they worked. Constant fear and worry that I would do something to enrage them. Forcing sex on me when I just wasn’t in the mood, and could you be when dealing with just disdain for the person. Which did eventually all lead to getting physically abused very violently. This brought up memory after memory of what I went through. THANK YOU Dr. Ramani for giving me some validation and release.

That’s the vivid image of my dad. He has done everything you say to me since I was a girl until now that I’m 35. I have not been able to listen to the video in a single attempt because it has woken me up a lot of anxiety. It has been very useful to me to make it clear that I should not feel guilty for avoiding my father's harassment, even though he’s over 80 years old. Thanks from Mexico.

Such Narcs use informants to keep track of you and your whereabouts. You think you can trust people around you, but what you don't know is that the narc --in my case, my mother--- has rallied them, and is constantly asking them seemingly harmless questions about you + also smearing your reputation behind your back. Wishing strength and courage to you all.

I have been subjected to coercive control for 6 years now and it’s extremely frightening and paralysing. There is no place for control in healthy human relationships. Coercive control is abusive and evil to the core. Thank you for your support and validation dr Ramani ❤

He would rather kill me by sabotaging my vehicle, having me slip in the shower- then to leave me. Because he is that worried about what people think of him. I get it now. I just couldn't wrap my mind around that before. This video struck my heart.

This was hard for me to watch. I left a 30 yr relationship with a psychopath 5 years ago, and this is the first time I have heard the term coercive control. It describes my relationship so well that I can't finish watching the video right now. Too triggering. Thank you Dr. Ramani, you are really helping so many of us gain emotional wisdom!

Coercive control sounds like someone trying to take your freedoms away from you.

in the beginning, you could never do anything wrong, you are on top of the cloud. in the end, you could never do anything right, you are in the bottom of a dark pit. This person brings you lots of sunshine just to suck every bit of light out of your life in the end. End of the saddest relationship.

When you bring it up they say, “Don’t put that on me, you did that to yourself.”

I hope any of you on here going through this can find the strength, tact, and courage to break free!

My mouth can't close. I'm in such shock that this is too a T. Only a month out and away and omgosh, tears flowing this needs to a crime.

Anybody remember Julia Roberts movie where she's trapped in a beautiful beach house in the middle of nowhere and her partner thinking that she can't swim? Its spot on 🙏

This really needs to be talked about more and law enforcement needs to start recognizing these behaviors and protecting victims. Sad story. One of my aunts was in one of these highly controlling and abusive relationships for many years. Her spouse was also physically abusive and threatening to take hers and her children's life while pointing a gun at her after beating her to the ground. Obviously she was terrified of reaching out for help because he had full control over her. What ended up happening is someone found out or she finally told someone that got the police involved and he ended going to prison for attempted murder. Sadly she was also sentenced to prison for many years and all her kids were sent away where she could have no contact with them because according to the judge she was "complicit" in allowing his abuse to threaten the lives of her children by not getting help sooner. She but how could she when her ex was literally keeping her mouth shut? Once she was released she did get another start at life and after her children turned 18 they were allowed to visit her. She remarried to a man who treated her wonderfully and she was finally really happy. She was an advocate for helping women who were in abusive situations like hers and she helped me when I was in trouble trying to get away from a rapist relative and my dad was instead blaming me for it all. She's my Dad's sister and even he knew how bad that guy was who trapped her, but he did the same thing to her by blaming her and shunned her instead of being supportive. Because no surprise, my dad's a piece of work and loves blaming the victim, which is why I don't talk to him anymore after he threatened to "ruin my life" after I went to the police after the rapist incident because "he's family". But that's another long story. Sadly she and her son passed away in a car accident getting hit by a truck. So in her memory I'd like to thank you so much for all the work you are doing putting this information out there so people can recognize and how to react when they find themselves in a bad situation. ❤️

I usually feel relief after listening to your videos because I always feel validated but this time my belly sank. It was like you’ve been a ‘fly on the wall’

Guilt-trips, I believe, are the most commonly used method of control, even by relatively normal people with a narcissistic streak. Because the world's fate depends on you feeling guilty. Because person X's happiness depends on your collaboration. Because it would be selfish of you to not allow me to be selfish.

I've been in this for ten years. As I watch, I realize I have adopted many of my own narcissist tendencies, as a defense mechanism. This has changed who I am, and all that I believed to be true.

"Forcing an unwanted pregnancy" in order to tie the partner down. Yep, that's how I was born.

I've lived this with my ex. Isolated, insulted, stalked, gaslighted, etc. I was lucky to get away before it got worse but it was a hard process. I really feel for those in these situations.

This is astonishing! As it is exactly what I went through with my ex husband! Who went as far as to install video surveillance inside the house and locked me out of the monitoring app! Tried to control what I can and cannot wear, picked me up and to work, tried to control what how I spend my own salary, insinuated that I should stay home to work for him lol the list goes on and on... Bottom line is that I got out without having a child with him and now I couldn't be any happier!

That is true, isolation leads to losing touch with reality. Often the victims self isolate and the gaslighting of the people around leads to destruction. Incredible but it is so very true, everything you say.

I couldn't imagine how deep the problem was. My parent is a malignant narcisist. I'm just shocked, and at the same time I feel so validated. Finally someone tells me everything I experience is dreadful, and doesn't gaslight me. Dr. Ramani I watch you everyday, I feel strong and happy and it feels like healing. You are an angel. Thank you so much from a Brazilian fan.

I'm not religious but you're doing god's work. . . can't think of any other way to put it without understating!

Ugh, this one almost made me vomit....I can't believe I ever lived this way.

In studying myself I realize that it's when people try to control me in this way is when my temper flares with them.

Okay men aren't the only ones that engage in coercive control! My ex wife stole all my money, turned everyone against me , ruined my name, monitored my phone, got me fired from my job, and left me homeless. She treated me and got her brother to threaten me. I hate that everyone seems to believe that only men are capable of this kind of abuse.

Also just to point out coercive control is probably just as often between parents and children. Malignant narcissists don’t want to let their children go and they’ll use finances and general chaos to try to keep them at bay

I truly believe that one day this will be illegal every where and in every form. Thank you 🙏

I got shredded this morning by the Narc in my life. But I went DEEP: I didn’t defend, explain, engage or personalize. Thanks for your wisdom, Dr. Ramani 🙏

Not just male narcissists who exercise coercive control. Can totally relate to the slow drift. The cumulative effect of tiny chipping away is massive, figuratively and literally. Thank you for the reminder 🙏🏼

“It’s a mind f-word all around.” AGREED. This is my reality. Finally got to a therapist. Getting out. Thank you doctor for changing my life ❤️

Gosh these videos are so eye opening! I knew my relationship was toxic but I'm realizing it was a lot worse than I thought!

Now please understand that this is what happened to me. Everything this video entails. I stayed in my relationship because of my children. If i ever had blown fuse or out burst ( which occasionally happened ) the narcissistic partner would take her anger out on my kids physically. I very quickly had to learn to put my feelings aside for my children. It was the only way. I didn't make enough money to leave. But i thought about it everyday. I want to thank you for making these videos.

I am in a support group for survivors of coercive control now...watching this video made me cry. I don’t know what to say. This is the worst this that ever happened to me. And yes people do minimize it. But the support group has been amazing and I would highly recommend it to anyone who has experienced this. No one else understands like those who have been through it, and that validation is really helpful for healing.

I tried to get a restraining order and was denied several times because there were no threat within the past month. A month of not being physically threatened but stalked to the point of staying in my home, followed to the grocery store, to restaurants, to parks. This man has been in my home hiding under my table just to see if someone is coming in with me after dropping the kids off at school. Yesterday was my b-day and I told him the best gift he could give me was to exit my life with just himself. He came over with a cake, and said that he was spending the night. My PTSD has been flaring up because he is around. If I shut him out he’ll make it look like I’m preventing him from seeing the kids. He has a new relationship and the both find it entertaining to talk about me. I really feel like this pandemic has trapped me in this state. I just want my life back and I’m willing to move as far as the states will let me.

Everyone said the same things about my relationship. Everyone thought that my life was good because my ex husband was highly successful. But he had several affairs and was abusive in ways I can barely find words to describe how deeply, horrifically painful it all was. Even now, 2 years after the divorce was finalized, I have nightmares. I have crippling anxiety. I have nothing and feel I am nothing. I work a minimum wage job and am trying to learn new skills to support myself.

My narc convince my love ones that I was the abuser.

This is almost spot on with my husband's behavior. Going to hit 'rewind' the minute this is over. Thank you Dr. Ramani. So glad you trusted your 'gut' to post this valuable video! You're awesome.

This episode is a darker shade of different from the rest of the series. In the other videos, the narcissist is simply annoying, inconvenient, and intrusive. But here, we see a more sinister and virulent form of behavior patterns. These scenarios make you think of all the murder-suicide episodes that so commonly occur in society. Chilling. I often wondered if my narcissistic girlfriend would be capable of killing, and not to overdo it, I think so. Under the correct 'provocation', I think so. In fact once, when I was emotionally broken, I told her: 'I wish you would just kill me'. And yes, I fleetingly noticed a flush of warm reward that washed over her face.

Ahh, you reminded me of those days, calling multiple times "where are you now?, where are you?" suffocating. It wasn't even a partner, it was a female family member!!

Dr. Ramani, I cannot stress enough how freeing, and validating it is to hear you so perfectly articulate a situation like this. The words mind rape, came to my mind one time as I searched my own mind for words that would explain describe and give meaning and sense to the illogical heinous behaviors one experiences in this situation.

Validation feels nice. I really needed this confirmation of what I face. I get to tell the court my side, and this info from Doctor Ramani will be added to my tool kit as I face the judge, next to the narc, again. I have the narcissist on the ropes, and as we know, that is a hotly dangerous time. I hope that I can place in the views of the courts what coercive control is doing to us. Hope the danger is seen.

This video is the saddest. This happening in any way in somebody's life is the moment when the evil got the battle but surely will lose the war.

I was in a brutal domestic violence relationship that left me with severe spinal cord damage. I tried calling to get services “ for years” but unfortunately if you do not have children a lot of times they have no services for you. Somehow people and society think that their services out there that can help women like me. Nope! Being that I didn’t have those choices left me to go back to him time and time again regardless of the police reports medical records and arrest for domestic violence. Regardless of his sadistic tendencies I still look back with a lot of love in my heart. I seriously worshiped him. And I don’t ever look back in anger but in sadness.Because I know today he never loved me. That was a delusion of mine that kept me with him. I still refer to him as my biggest addiction. My background came from 2 narcissistic/antisocial parents who condition me to be overly compliant to everyone’s needs but my own. Gaslighting and being controlled was my child hood. I was pre-conditioned to fall into a domestic violence relationship. But that’s not just my perception that is all four of us siblings perception also.

Thank you for talking about the spillover effect. I’m single but watched my best friend struggle through a marriage to a narcissist for about 9 years. We are no longer friends because he told her that I am no longer allowed to be her friend (isolation). Throughout the marriage he was rude to me every chance he got, disrespected he in front of me (very upsetting to experience) etc. and I didn’t at first speak up about it because when they first got married we were about 24, I was naive and believed that because she was pregnant she HAD to get married. How being a witness to his abuse has affected me is that I am much more suspicious of men, I’m hyper-independent because I fear ever being in a situation remotely like hers. Even now that it has been months since speaking to her, I think about it a lot, hence why I’m in a RU-vid rabbit hole about a relationship that isn’t mine. In the past 2 weeks I found myself thinking that I would be better off remaining child free because of witnessing this man trap her with 4 children while coercing her not to work and financially abuse her by restricting her access to money. This was a 15 year friendship (she was my college roommate for 4 years and we called each other sister) that ended abruptly. It’s been a lot and this is the first video I’ve come across that mentions how these types of relationships affect friends and family. Now if I feel this, how do her 4 daughters feel? Or how will they feel? Because the oldest one is about 9 right now. I’m doing my best to heal and purge so I can move on with my life. But thanks for letting me know that the way I feel is normal.

This is so sick... I can’t believe I lived like this for years

Often after I had spoken with someone on the phone, my ex would mention that person as if he had talked to them recently too. Always wondered how he knew, later found out he was tracking all my calls. Creepiest feeling..

I wish I didn't know how true this is😭. Thank you for validating my reality.

Dr R. Is so DEAD ON in her descriptions, you KNOW she GETS IT. It's literally saving lives, having these videos, and her advice is SO HELPFUL that I can honestly say I've gotten further in a few months of LISTENING to Dr. R than I have in YEARS of therapy in office with a psychologist. Far , FAR more help from this,than repeating my stuff to someone who has no clue,I'm just their paycheck for that 45min session.

He uses financial abuse constantly. I had to get help from outsiders to pay for my car repairs so I could be free. I have to record everything. Why the hell isn’t North Carolina on board with this form of abuse!!! I am experiencing all this right NOW!! Trying to work and go to school. And he trying to sabotage me!

He's so jealous of me he pretends he's in love with me. I want him to stop this nonsense of his make believe. He's very dominant & self centered narcissist who I want nothing to do with. No respect for women, just constant abuse.

Wow, this is making me think of the doc I just watched about R. Kelly called Surviving R. Kelly on Netflix... It is crazy.

"A bit of a summary" of 25 yrs of torture. Thanks for making this video!!! I'm sure it's helping soooo many people who need to hear this! It's so absolutely clear and validating ☺️

I lived with this for over 20 years. It was nearly impossible to find someone to believe me. Twenty years of freedom, and I'm still figuring out how to recover. He passed away 3 years ago, and I've made so much more progress! He had so many people convinced that he was the victim, even the kids.

This is my husband of almost 14 years, thank you gave me back a small piece of sanity!! Thank you, many blessings for you and your family! ❤️

Dear Dr Ramani, I was (and still am!) a victim of Coercive Control. I’m Russian National who was isolated from my family, now living in the UK. UK is amazing by adopting this crime!!! Their respond to the problem was prompt and supportive. They arrested my husband in 24h for a night after my allegation statement. I have a very big support from local charity communities. Currently in the divorce proceedings. The court is very trained and aware of such narcissists. My ex hates it here, he hates the system. But they are so good! With real justice who listen to innocent people!!!

She stalked too know my every move I bet she's still doing it

My grandma has absolute control of my 54 year old aunt. My aunt has no friends, no career, nothing. No one does anything about this. It's severe. My grandma sexually and physically abuses her.

Glad you didn't skip this. It's true, and my mother is malignant, vulnerable, covert narc. she does all of this to me b/c I. am financially unable to live elsewhere and she uses my situation against me, threatens me that I will be kicked out all the time. She is aging and getting worse. Has no life and no friends. I am her main focus. Thankfully, I will be able to leave this shit next year. Thank you for this whole series Dr. Ramani!

You've pretty much just described my marriage to a tee. I was literally threatened with divorce if I accepted a legitimate and legal job as a web developer. Of course, she has no recollection of this... I am awake to the game now, though!

This channel has been a core component of my healing. I've learned so much. Even just knowing how to define the abuse I suffered made a huge difference. I can't thank you enough, Dr. Ramani. I recommend your channel to everyone I see who is struggling with a narcissist. Thank you, so very much.

This is the best video I have ever seen. This is my husband. My narcissistic parent tried to gaslight me to go back to him (in another country)

Combination of paranoia, willful cruelty, charm, with these traits they can fool the world.~Dr. Ramani

Sabotaging a person's human rights should be illegal, whether at home or in the workplace.. I've lived almost everything married to malignant narcissist, but did not know those things had names. These people sound like they work for the devil. If a wife suspects her husband is a malignant narcissist for anyone in the family, she should have a right to have them evaluated by force

Omg this has been my life. Thank you so much for helping me see all these blind spots.

Also job wise- They will make it so very difficult to even focus to KEEP the job and you usually lose it.

This series is very beneficial. It hurts to listen and realise what happned to us. Things make sense now. Thank you.

8:08 "I'd get away with it, because I know the cops..." This right here is too relatable. My narc mom was very much like this when I didn't do what she told me. She'd use the cops excuse as a scare tactic. That shit sticks with you.

Physical abuse is easy to recover from compared to psychological abuse, great video very well explained.

My own family did this to me but it was all orchestrated by my mother. Try being mentally ill and sick. Then being diagnosed with other major illnesses on top of being mentally ill. When I finally got medically healthy enough to see what was happening, I had been owned & controlled to the point where I would never get out. My own mother & older brother did drive by’s my home constantly. It was beyond upsetting. My friends and loved ones couldn’t save me or be around me it was so extreme. Well, I finally got out, but barely. These kinds of people belong in prison. It’s not love what they do. It’s a wake up call to NEVER be in a relationship with people like this.

Jealousy, controlling, possessive behaviour on steroids. Gaslighting with Cohesive Ctrl describes a certain X to a T NarcoPath! TY for clarifying what I was unable to grasp

It’s sad; I feel for anyone who is in these abusive entanglements. My wife is a covert narc I’ve been attached to for 15 years ; little by little everything keeps getting worse. We just have to get out as quickly and safely as possible . It took about 10 years to realize what I had got myself into...

My stomach is turning as I realize my husband does every single one of these things to me, and I put up with all of THIS for 23 years. Dr. Ramani, your videos have helped me tremendously!!!!!

Thank you, Dr Ramani. I lived this escalating behaviour for years. Now my children are noticing the Gaslighting of themselves too. Once having left, I was buried in Legal/Court paperwork and sapped finances to finally be free. Unfortunately, I’m so suspicious of people now for fear of being caught up in another Coercive Control situation by a nasty Malignant Narc. It really is Hell.

Finally a name for what I went thru! Tracking devices on the computer & cell phone. I had to work 2 jobs to pay all the bills, because God forbid he should contribute. Constant phone calls & visits to my places of employment. And if I was at lunch at the time of his call or visit, there was hell to pay. Because, obviously, I just HAD to be cheating on him or lying about having the job. (Yeah, this company just pays me $$ to not work there.) If he wasn't with me, he tracked me. If he couldn't track me, then I was lying, cheating, etc. It's been over 10 years since I broke free, but it still affects me. It's better, but it still gets to me.

I definitely know a malignant narcissist who behaved this way. He was abusive to me for 2 years. Thank God he is out of my life.

This is such important information for those of us trying to get out of a very controlling relationship. I would really appreciate any additional comments on this topic. My husband looked good to the outside world - we had all the trappings of a beautiful life but no one knew the manipulation and control ~ especially me.

I have been here. It's disgusting and such a helpless situation. I was nearly was murdered. That day I left. All you said is true. Thank you Dr Ramani xxx Love you