What is Triangulation? 

I can tell this is happening to me because people are automatically taking the narcissist's side without having a single conversation with me about why I ended the relationship. If that's what they do without seeing the other's side, they can go, too.

Sounds alot what I experienced from my mother. When I was a teenager she would punish me for no reason, and then when I would stand up for myself in protest, she would always threaten to kick me out or show me the door. There was two times I took her up on her offer and I left. The first aunt I stayed with, I remember my mother telling her to make sure she made my life as miserable as possible during my stay, she wanted to make sure I knew how "good" I had it at home. The first aunt was happy to comply, and I couldn't wait to go home. The second aunt I stayed with, didn't listen to my mother. She told me we would have fun together and it would be our secret. When my mother found out that she bought me nail polish, she lost her ever loving mind. She flipped out on my aunt yelling at her saying, you are trying to turn my daughter against me, how could you betray me like that? You know, the typical covert narcissistic reaction to somebody showing loving kindness to the scapegoated child. All over the gift of a little bottle of nail polish. I wasn't ever allowed to have any allies or support from anybody on the outside. If ever anybody tried to sympathize with me in any way or try to reason with her on her treatment of me, they endured her wrath and made them regret it, and somehow with her mind tricks and master manipulation techniques, always managed to keep them believing that she was an innocent victim and winderful person worthy of everyone's pity, and that I was the evil child who was the cause of all her troubles and sorrows. It's been something like 15 years now since I made the decision to walk away from them all once and for all. And though it was painful at first, it was truly for the best. I have no regrets at all. And even though they think I am such a horrible person because of my decision, I don't let them guilt trip me anymore. I have nothing to feel sorry about. I wish it never had to come to that, but unfortunately in my case I felt I had no other choice. To those who have to separate or are on the fence about it, the only advice I can give you is this: Take control of your own life. You are not responsible for them or their happiness. Don't let people continue to hurt you or try to manipulate you or control you with threats or emotional mind games. Take care of you, do what you know what's right and best for you. Don't let anybody make you feel guilty for that. As much as it is up to you, pursue peace. For me, walking away was the only way to obtain it. And I needed it in order to heal and be healthy. Take charge of your own life. Peace.

There is no way to “safely” interact with a person who triangulates.

When the victim speaks out, from a place of trauma fear or anxiety, and they are triggered from not being believed or understood.

This topic deserves a much longer video. It’s a core tactic narcissists employ and is often the first sign of abuse when they isolate you from family and friends by putting you and your family and friends in conflict with each other. Please I would like to hear more of your perspective.

Narcissist do this all the time, awful

It took me 30 years to come out of my naivety to recognize my family was doing this to me. They seem to delight in trying to make me " crazy". Fortunately i slowly backed away over time. All laughing behind my back at what a fool i am to them. So, I've missed career, having another relationship with a man, and friends . Its a high price to pay pleasing these folks!

What I don't understand is that "How is the narcissist able to come up with these kinds of "evil" complex psychological manipulation tactics such as triangulation, crazy-making, haughty behavior, entitlement, image of superiority, gaslighting, flying monkeys, pathological lying..... due to the shame they have experienced? Unless the shame was based in/on severe emotional / mental trauma and the narcissist sub-consciously developed a coping mechanism to deal with any or all perceived emotional / mental / psychological attacks it is truly incomprehensible that a person could be this EVIL and corrupt and still be able to pass themselves off as "normal" in front of most people.

I have experienced it all! Terribly stressful and draining. All it causes is pain and misery. Pure evil at work! This description of triangulation is spot on. Thank you for your expert observations. Exactly the case. It is criminal behaviour leading to the destruction of all kinds of bonds and relationships. It wipes out whole communities and is often done by one , but influential, person.

It broke me. It always felt Like I was being attacked.

Triangulation story. My Ex-business partner is a Narcissistic Sociopath and uses triangulation all the time. In his 13 year (yes 13 year) divorce proceeding, I was made to testify numerous times. FINALLY during a Traverse (garnishment) hearing, all sides (him, her + the lawyers) were trying to get ME to clean up the mess. I turned to the judge and said "This is NOT my problem. These guys are TRIANGULATING ME. It is NOT my divorce and I am not going to clean up this mess!" Guess what? The judge sided with me and gave me complete control of the residual business assets.

Being ahead (being aware) of narcissistic triangulation definitely helps. Narcissists destroy all avenues to any good outcome it seems. No contact is about the only way to stop it, but unfortunately that isn’t always an option.

I got triangulated about being triangulated. I told him how I felt about his lack of bounds with his exes, comments posting photos on FB. He asked his female work colleagues, they all agree, you are insecure.

The more I listen to these videos, the more I realize what a screwed up family I came from! It was often thrown in my face that I wasn’t being beaten or dealing with an alcoholic so I had no right to complain, as I didn’t know what abuse was!

I would like a video on group triangulation. I've experienced a situation where a group of disordered individuals got together to smear campaign someone online and they came at the target with a slew of false accusations of lying, cheating, and manipulation. Conveniently, this toxic group of poeple were all of the same friend group and were friends (more like false friends) with the target.... until the target got more sucessful and popular while these particular people in the group did not. I've not heard much talk on the dynamics of heard mentality and triangulating a group of people against a target. I never understood how a few people could hate someone so much to destroy their reputation with lies just because of petty jeleousy.

While you talk, memory’s come into my mind of different incidents in my life and I start to see what these twisted people were up to, I was just asking myself how did I not see..I could have saved myself a lot of anguish..I can go on from here a lot wiser and with the certainty that no one will play games with my mind again.. Thank You for your help.

I had to listen to this twice because I was distracted by all the sci-fi coolness in the background. I see the command module of that Space:1999 Eagle behind you Darren! Thanks, great video!

It becomes very complicated when these people are in your family, and you aren't sure if they are triangulated or if they are narcissists too. It really ruins your relationship with those people, and makes you question the motives of everyone around you. In a sad way. It's odd how people react differently to growing up in an environment like that; my sister believes everyone at their word, I trust no one. It's quite a dichotomy. We are both in our 50's and she is always surprised when people disappoint her. I am expecting people to disappoint and surprised when the don't. We always say if you mix us together, you might have one fully functioning human. :)

How you spot triangulation: You realize that the person you've been connecting so well suddenly changes and gets more distant towards you. You got no idea what happened. Imagine experiencing this in numerous circumstances (work, your child's school, acquaintances). Then you realize that you should stop talking about your private/work life to certain people because they use that information to destroy your friendships and work relations. What if this is a member of your own family (because he's under the influence of a manipulative woman) ? Too bad right?

I begun dating my (now former) friend's housemate over a year ago and since then she (former friend) has been superficially friendly to me but with distant, hostile and passive aggressive vibes and triangulation attemps with jealousy, exclusion, etc. My gf senses my discomfort but since this person acts fairly normal with her and is superficially friendly with me, my gf tends to blame me -_- I recently tried to explain to her that one person can treat two different people in wildly different ways and the "reality" that she experiences with this person is not the whole truth. I saw the narcissistic traits (immaturity, cruel sense of humour, self-centeredness, future-faking) before and they were okay in small doses, especially since this person can be fun to be around, but being on the receiving end of her passive aggressive wrath is terrifying. I think I stole her supply/flying monkey by becoming an item with her housemate lol..

Yes, many different stories to many different people bringing such chaos and confusion to all. They are always the center of the drama/storm.

Have you ever had to quickly leave the room to allow yourself to have a good laugh ? Sometimes it's the other way around. In order to have a good cry.

You described it perfectly. I didn’t realize it at the time, but I was brought into a company to be used to triangulate the people there. I enjoyed being the favorite employee for a while. It didn’t take me long to realize what was happening. Eventually I became a victim myself. After I left the people who were brought in to victimize me became victims. Of course everyone quits and the company with 4 stores is in complete chaos all the time. The owners of the company always believe the perpetrator of this insanity when he blames the victims/employees for the company’s turmoil.

My ex keep telling me how her sisters thinks lm wrong,insecure and controlling..she knows how she messed up relationship with lies gaslighting and betrayal.

My mother was never nicer to me (when I was a child) than when she was triangulating me against my father. As soon as she patched things up with my father, I was emotionally blanked and pushed out of her newly fluffed up nest. It was so unbelievably confusing. I could never figure out what I'd done to be rejected and treated so coldly all of a sudden 😔

In a romantic relationship like my marriage my wife would come home from work or going out with friends and say to me “the delivery guy at work was flirting with me today” or “the dealer at the casino asked me for my number even though I said I was married” or when she uses her affair partner to make you do the pick me dance while simultaneously smearing you to him while telling you she loves you and wants to be with you and that guy is out of the picture. It’s insidious disrespectful and if it’s happening to you nip that shit in the ass immediately and if they don’t stop boot there ass out.

THAAAAAAANK YOUUUUUUU. I’ve never heard a clearer description of a sometimes, all the times, very confusing behavior. This popped up in a thread researching accents, but the content was 100% for me personally. 🎉👏👏👏🎉

3:53, jealous is fiercely protective and vigilant over people's rights and possessions

So useful, thank you! My soon to be ex after a 50-year marriage has told mutual friends and relatives that I have joined a cult and am being manipulated, and that’s the reason why I abandoned him. Hé has even involved a former girlfriend (yes, from 55 years ago!) to email my children about how dysfunctional our family is because I am so evil. What on earth did he tell her? She travelled 5000 km to visit and support him recently, and it ended badly, so perhaps she saw the light. I had never heard the term triangulation before, so it’s good to know that it is recognized.

Thank you for the education you share. As a victim of narc abuse, it is so important to address the flying monkey element. It is amazing to me how others are unable to see. I am never able to get validation from the flying group about the narc's awful and evil behavior. To me it seems such a deep level of insanity. I think the professionals are not as firm as they could be in helping others see this behavior.

Ooo!! Much Love Darren!! I may or may not be binge watching or been watching your videos… I really do feel this video can go so Much deeper, thanks so much for a very well simplified explained versions of this and how it can cause issues and how others would feel on it. I find myself lacking a way to explain things, very well said. Thanks for sharing your kindness and knowledge. I don’t comment a lot but thought I’d say hi considering I been looking at what other videos you have made. You’re a very dedicated man, that’s a lot of years of study and work (Bio) Thanks again!

I am the “black sheep” of a dysfunctional family system. After becoming a mother and realizing how I could never gang up on any of my children & get my other children to help me, like my own mother could do, I realized how I had been abused all my life. Thank Heavens for therapists & support groups for “black sheep”, because our whole lives growing up are lives of being triangulated against in every relationship in the family & in the relationships that would be brought into the unhealthy dysfunctional family that would be allowed to stay, because they would also let the abuse happen without standing up for the “black sheep” too. The abusers get others to join them in abusing the “black sheep” & if those people they seek to get to help abuse their victim stands up for the victim, the abusers will create problems to push out anyone who would actually protect the “black sheep” of the dysfunctional family system. Triangulation is a huge part of how abusers confuse and manipulate their victims. It’s terrible. So grateful to be free. Thank Heavens.

My mother always complains to me about my siblings but I try to calm the situation or tell her to ignore somethings to deescalate and when I try to address the problem she will deny it or be silent

I think there might be a Narcissist in our newly formed friend group. I’ve noticed that this person is displaying flirting behavior with different individuals and constantly trying to get every one’s attention. There’s already some kind of triangulation that this person is trying to do, even manipulative behavior. I’ve noticed that there’s been some sabotaging in the friend group as this person tries to exclude certain people from the friend group and causing a little bit of drama and seems to enjoy being in control or in power in a subtle way. The only reason I am saying this was because I recognized it from a relationship I was in with an exgf. A lot of the same traits are showing up and it’s starting to concern me, I’m slowly distancing myself from the friend group and giving this person less and less attention. Hopefully this person doesn’t notice, because I already had enough with being in a relationship with one.

I left my mum (second time). I love my sister who i never hurt her or her children. But after she met with mum, she isolated my child from hers. She accused me of being a narc and toxic. After reading so much about narcissism, that was ok, i expected it. But even though i don't want a relationship with her atm, i never expected her to come between our children. I don't think reconciliation with my mother alive will ever work. Heartbreaking!

Thank you so much for sharing. The real about trianglelated

I like this video, every thing mentioned is what a neighbor is doing because she want me to move out of my home so her family member can move in next to her now she slander me to the whole neighbours for support or so I don’t have anyone to turn to her family’s who are on alert when I’m in the back yard or the from shouting at the kids a disguise as noise Nusiance to take away my peace especially during covid decorating my garden. when I stand up to her she gets scared get her family running to her which I notice gives her confidence to start again. My next step is legal support because they becoming very vicious and stalking because I’m a challenge. As a Christian who are taught from bible love your neighbor love your anemy can make you seem easy target.

Whew. When my sister attacked me and I shared concerns with my brother, I thought I was triangulating, but I see from your explanation I was looking for support and clarity after being attacked. Her, a parent & another sibling have managed to make me the scapegoat anyway, so at this point, cutting my losses and running (going no contact) feels like the most logical action to take. 🤷 *Edit* Wow. 1:21 that's what she was doing. Drawing attention away from HER bad behavior by attacking me, (for coincidentally pointing out that bad behavior at our baby sister's funeral) 😳

Indeed the manipulation causes chaos. The manipulated gaslit person, traumatized by said betrayal, tells others to get validation that their experience was real. This I hope is not being confused with Triangulation.

This is so easy to fall into as a therapist. It’s so nice to have couples therapy when possible so that you can hear both sides completely.

It brings 'pain , misery', the sheriff, the lawyer, the eviction, the judge, and the protection order...immediately upon triangulation. You have to act fast at the first sign of triangulation or someone else may end up living in your home.

My friend, Hypotension, said that you could have gone into more detail and that the video was too brief, but I told them you produced a great video.

Hello Darren Magee from down under.

Absolutely stupendous, Thank you Darren, Peace, love to you and everyone, Thank you universe 💞😃😁🛸🌌👽🥰🤘🧝‍♀️💫😀😍🧿🧿🎸🦄😀😍

Thank you for another great and informative video. I found it very helpful. My ex is doing this now. He's doing parental alienation against me with my son by telling him lies about. I pray one day soon my son realizes what is going on. PS. I love the T.A.R.D.I.S in the background!

Is it possible to eventually become "immune" (so-to-speak) to narcissistic abuse. I have this fantasy that I will be able to shield all abuse tactics and let them roll off my back unscathed. We are in a situation where we cannot go no contact with our narcissistic family member.

Thank You

Fabulous content 🎉

My narcissistic mother triangulated constantly using her flying monkey friend. Together, they were abusing everyone, including my disabled brother. The flying monkey had been hiding income from the IRS for decades. I turned him into the IRS and told my mother I was going to the police about their abuse of my brother. The flying monkey lost all his money and my mother was terrified anout the police. Unfortunately she died before I could trigger many consequences for her. Everyone was just waiting for her to die--no one liked her. She was ninety friggin' six when she finally died. It took forever.

Thank you

Thank you.

My sisters do this with me interchangeably. Each with their own, but similar, goal and agenda. One loves chaos and the other wants attention. The prior sister has a diagnosis of antisocial personality disorder. The other has never sought mental heath care. They would call me every day at all hours night or day in spite of my telling them not to call every day and to pick a time during normal waking hours. Three years ago I decided to get of the hamster wheel and my life started to improve within a month.

Thanks so much for this video

6:54, that is how I am wining my case.

My mom and I was argue all the time because she wants this control with me but it doesn’t work. But she won’t do this to any of my brothers. But you best believe if my brother & I argue, either she’ll come running to help or he’s manipulating the conversation to our past argument so she can come fight w him

Thank you for the thorough, thoughtful video. I have a question around an interesting, painful experience that I once went through (and that I'm still processing). In hindsight I believe my then-partner was narcissistic, as she practiced a couple of tactics on me (devaluation, triangulation) while we were splitting up. What made my experience so weird, however, was that the "other" person had many further, deeper expressions of narcissism (many of which I've been able to identify based on your videos - thank you!). In hindsight, I feel he recognized very what his role was, and felt no shame (even pride) about his new place in her life/their community "over" me, even covertly gloating about it (for lack of a better word). My question is - if the other person, contrary to your video, knows what's going on and what role they're serving, is that still triangulation? Is there a different/more precise word for it (it was definitely "Cheating," although perhaps only "Emotional Cheating"?). Many other points from this video - like your other videos - resonate very strongly with my experience. Thank you for your insight!

It’s a devastating tactic used to gain power:(

Great 👍😍🤩

This sounds like my old manager

You should wear a lapel mic or head worn mic to make the audio a lot better / clearer. There’s a lot of room reverb / it’s not particularly clear audio. Moving the mic closer will help or putting up soundproofing will also help.

Very good video thanks

I was triangulate with his ex girl friend .irritates me because he show me they are texting each other and said that his soul mate. I got hurt because I thought for 37years married I'm his soul mate. Now I realized when I was awaken he makes me upset.but I m finish already .I know that he is a bad person .I don't know about narcs yet. Now I know bye and don't come back .I pack my things don't bother me I will not bother him . I realized that he has helped from his relative who were all narcs too. It's a cult. "WOW TOO SCARY LIKE WALKING DEAD .THE SAME BRAIN .

My covert narcissist mother (the "long suffering martyr") managed to make all her little chicks despise their dad, he didn't help his case any either, but she managed to be evil to us too, cleverly, cruelly and still come out smelling like a rose. Her evil, her type of abuse, somehow feels worse. Took me years to solve that puzzle 🤔

This guy is good right here and down to earth advice

Thank you for your informative video on triangulation. What if person A in the family has intractable blind spots: lacks self-awareness and reflection, is unable to adjust what they are doing and saying to avoid harm to others in the family? If Person B and Person C in the family talk about the harm that this person is doing to relieve some pressure of the hurt, this is a form of triangulation. But what is a healthier alternative?

informative as heck

Don’t stress out about being triangulated. What I realized is the triangulator is actually doing you favour. Anyone simple enough or judgemental enough to believe the lies is not a friend worth having anyway.

yeah.. those narcist's, they can hold a historical grudge .... my cuz, [she is bully] is trying to justify .. fraud and other crimes of dishonesty .... by using this ... 'hurt feelings' or 'slight' that 'i caused' her, from nearly 30 years ago. if it wasnt such a serious matter, it would be quite comical..... Thanks Dr Magee.. x

My elderly Mother uses triangulation between my brother and me. I am trying to figure out how to deal with it.

I spy a TARDIS & Enterprise in the background. 🤭🖤

can we have a video where you talk about how you came to the decision to place the enterprise above the millenium falcon, or tie fighter? \o/

Something just happened this afternoon that I don’t know if I am to blame or what. I feel I am but I am also so very confused. We have fifty fifty visitation with our daughter. It’s my time now and I am okay with her seeing her dad when it’s my time. However, I’d like to have it communicated with me that it’s going to happen. For example, our daughter was at her friends house this afternoon and her dad showed up to give her a swimsuit and a towel in case she goes swimming with her church friends this evening. I was on pick her up at her friends house. I pull up and he starts to drive off. I get out and yell for him to stop so I can ask him what is going on. And he stops. And our daughter comes out to the front porch and starts screaming at me because I was on the phone with her. She is 13 and I asked her if she had asked him for the swimsuit and she said no. So I asked him what was happening and she didn’t know. She was not able to hear or see completely what was happening on the street between me and her dad. And she just assumes that I’m causing a fuss. Yet all I’m trying to do is understand what is going on. I told him that I have a swimsuit for her and a towel and that he should have told me that he was going to bring her those while she was at her friends house. If she hadn’t have been at her friends house he wouldn’t have stopped by or he would have asked if he could bring them by. I text him this morning that she told me she didn’t know if she was going to go swimming this evening or not. I told him out of respect for him in case he was going to go In Hopes to see her at the pool. their church had rented the pool so it was a huge group thing. So I was being respectful this morning to give him a heads up on what to expect. That she may not be there. And he said “she can change her mind”. Yes that’s true. But I know the look on his face when he drove off and our daughter was crying that he looked proud of himself. He had a look of glee. So again I am at fault for wanting communication. I never have said my time is my time only. I don’t want to be that kind of mom. I am not so controlling that she can’t see him when she wants. But I do want to be informed. To have a heads up. To know what to expect. Am I asking too much? He Arrived out of the blue. Out of nowhere. And he didn’t need to. That’s the thing. We both have swimsuits for her. And towels. He comes off like I am not prepared. And i make mistakes and I don’t expect him to be perfect. I am not by any means. I just would like to be informed of what to expect. Okay. I am trying to see what I did wrong and not do that anymore.

My Nex used one of his sisters to "stalk" me on line. The day before my birthday. All done deliberately. He denied it, of course.

❤️

1 more is, certain people whom you never get to know and whom you never gave a chance to get to know you suddenly just keep on insinuating and scoffing at you that you are somehow that someone like the triangulator keeps gaslighting you about. It’s insane! You wonder what is he trying to do really like what in the world is going on.

Brilliant, BPD ex Hoovered me in to let me know they are serious. I’ve blocked on all fronts to shut that down. Thanks

Triangulation I don't play that game, it's the most disgusting. Thank you for video.

Sounds like my ex. Therapist even wrote about the triangulation, how he was aligning himself with our kids as if he were a kid too. So glad I'm away from that.

Walk away pull your heart out dont play

Where can i get help on online?

✨

Great explanation of the problem but what is the SOLUTION? Especially in a situation where you get 15+ flying monkeys sent to you... Explaining yourself and retelling the same long traumatic tale 15+ times over and over gets draining. I desperately need to hear solutions for this triangulation problem. What happens after you get tired of explaining yourself again & again to innumerable strangers/rescuers/family members, many of which already perceive you as guilty anyway? Does anyone have a solution?

Diverted at moment, I have the same Dr. Who Tardis 😀

The more I watched these videos the more I realize that my childhood was really mess up.

It happened to me someone put me into a third party situation without my knowledge. The other woman gave everything this narc wanted and still not enough

Its confusing until you just look at the facts.

I have been a victim of triangulation, when I supported Nigel Farage that disturbed some person that very person brought a woman in to back up his position and to moraly shame me out of my position and into affirming his position and to moraly punish me for asserting my position that challenged his

Narcissist triangulates golden child and scapegoat where the narcissist projects and belittles the scapegoat hence uplifting the golden child which in turn uplifts the narcissist who is happy the golden child feels good or can pit the scapegoat and golden child against each other in a competitive manner helping the Golden child to 'win' and thus narcissist and golden child both feel good. Poor old 'loser' scapegoat who apparently doesn't have feelings!

Quickly look down a marvel gaze

My mother-in-law used triangulation to pit her grown children against each other.

I was searching for video about triangulation in navigation, but found this...

In case you wondered if someone out there recognizes all those nerdy collectibles you have back there, oh yes, I know exactly what the hell I see. Those Kenner items down below, that Dinky Toys Enterprise up there that shoots the discs, and that Eagle in the middle... you have earned my respect. 😏😆

Triangulation ruined my relationship because I knew absolutely he was cheating on me.

Not knowing triangulation is dangerous for victims. Now I knew it. I am not for them anymore. Make them more jealous.

Ahhhh so this is the name of what my mom does my whole life. I wonder how this word called in my language : Dutch

You might listen to some on these thing by 4 the that day I won't click knowing I'm going to get very bad speaking . You wNt to stay away for a whe stranglehold yes it's weird caution

I was good at recognising triangulation until someone started to spread rumours that I don't know what it means and encouraging people to argue with me about it. 😁

Lizzy is a flying money.

I've seen this a lot in the work place I'm the villan for doing a skilled job but the person doing the menial job (no offense) would be treated better. Like to say if I went to my place I would be treated better

after watching the video, I believe that triangulation isn't the proper term because it can become pentagulation or hexagulation (yes. I know. I made those terms. hope you forgive me and understand what I meant) when the abuser beings to add more people to triangulate those that found their manipulation.