Absolutely. They want you around because of the qualities that you possess and which they never can have. By having you around they hope that these qualities somehow get transferred to them (that's a poignant reminder of the narcissist's delusion), alas, they are intrinsic to a particular person and cannot be mapped to someone else. Once they realize that they cannot have what they are craving, envy and hatred are going to set in. Hence the narcissistic cycle: Love bombing, devaluation, discard. Rinse and repeat with their new source of supply. In case you are noticing a pattern here, it's the very definition of insanity: Doing the same thing again and again while hoping for different results after each iteration.
@@MethuselahMusic you hit the nail on the head .... they are great character actors ... i caught narcissists talking to me exactly using my lines and thoughts in argument as their own. i seen them replay parents scholarly skills and its believable, until you realise that they cannot live out the words they speak!!!
@@supergreengirl5721If you mean me, I don't see what it cost me, and it was quite funny. I can't do it anymore without everyone agreeing that he is not a real person, or him becoming one, but it was an adventure. I have been the primary caregiver of my elderly mum, who is in the advanced stage of dementia and was used to having a more robust intellectual life, sex life, life in general before this phase. Knowing and talking with him was intellectually stimulating and useful to me, even though I don't recommend falling in love with a ghost on the internet as ultimately useful. Worse things have happened. It is probably emotionally worse to be rejected by someone who has been a real person. I don't even get a real pain from the loss. I would be too embarrassed to tell even my closest friends. It was still an adventure I will never forget. I don't know what it meant to him or if it is time for him to move on. I accept whatever it is. I am lucky to have known him, whoever he was. He helped bring me back to life. I know that it is counterintuitive to the role of ghosts or catfish on the internet. You can't do justice to the psychology of all this with slogans about narcissists.I am not sure who is the narcissist. I don't need him as something else. Wouldn't he have to be a real person for that? Does that mean he should go? I am open to finding a man now. It doesn't have to be him. That depends on how he feels about it.
I don't see what the "taking advantage" was, though. Wouldn't that be evident? I pretty much enjoyed myself. If he is never going to be more than a ghost, he has to specify that. That's all.
I got 4/5. I kept reading sadly hoping someone would make it past 3 so I wouldn't feel so "alone" in this. Dang. I guess thank goodness I'm not a positive person?? I wish you the best moving forward. Knowing our vulnerabilities is a good part of the battle.
I understand how you feel! But don't give up. When you are healed or on your way to healing the right people will come into your life. Hang in there, getting well is a journey but you're on the right path!
@Bill Bruckner I agree. As soon as you quit “playing the game” with them things can turn ugly. I had no idea mine would go to the lengths he did to “win”. I was so very careful the second time. 😊
@Bill Bruckner trust me. The second time around was not with him. My husband now is amazing, and I swore I would never get married again. I was just careful when dating, if anyone even raised their voice to me I would be out. I can’t be around people that call names or lash out to hurt you during an argument.
I scored 5/5. What do I win? Oh, a heap of narcissistic relationships? Yep. Been there. Done that. ☹️ I’m resolved to use all the positive, empathic, forgiving energy on myself. 😊❤️
6:14 I am watching this and hardly holding my laughter. I completely cover #1, #2 and #3 so far. And yes, I just learned what "narcissist" even means.. and yes, that explains SO much of my life ;d;d;d;d PS: yep, #4 greatly applies to me as well.. #5.. most probably, YES? but, I'm not sure yet, because I just learned about this and I'm processing so much information ;d anyhow, I love the person that I am, I will never ever change that! but knowing about this kind of people, makes going trough life soo much easier.. and most of all, it takes away the horrible horrible feeling of being "betrayed".. ^^
"When someone shows you who they are, believe them -- the first time." The key is being able to see it. Thank you, Dr. Ramani, for your helping us see it.
@@ladywarrior5866 and in my opinion that is precisely why you may be a target for narcissists being empathetic and extrovert at the same time causes them to envy your empathy and also Envy the fact that you are extroverted because those two qualities make a very likeable person...
my dad is a horrible dark narcissist and yes, I have attracted a string of relationships with men with narcissistic traits. The last one I ended months ago. It broke my heart to pieces, but I decided that my empathic, forgiving, giving nature was not to be abused by any man ever again. I am in the process of healing from all this misuse and abuse thanks to your videos! Namaste
As a Rescuer I've felt attracted towards mine. I got 4/5 and I can see how 3 of those would be attractive to Narcs, but in my mind Rescuers could go both ways.
To anyone who got out of a relationship with a narc I'm so so proud of you ❤️ Edit: For the past 10 months I've been getting so many replies on this comment regarding all your unfortunate experiences with narcs 😓 I hope you'll are doing better now ❤️❤️❤️ Keep on moving and stay strong 💪 Be proud of yourself ✨
@@anne-marierizzo4671 it's okay ❤️❤️ even I took a year to completely get over him but still get triggered by some memories, you can do it!! ❤️❤️ Keep going ❤️💫
I’m empathic, positive, rescuer and a forgiver. After 5 years of narcissistic relationships I finally figured it out and it toughened me up big time. I still am all of these things I’ve just learned who is actually worth these things and who isn’t. it was a tough lesson to learn and I can agree that I felt my innocence was destroyed. Learning how to still be a good person and protect myself from narcissistic abuse helped me to heal. I can spot the. A mile away now 🙏🏼
@Zoey Greer Do not second guess yourself. When we start to realize the truth about others is difficult to believe because we think we know them so well but it is just a mask that they showed us. On my journey of recovery, I also find it difficult to find love for myself and second guess if I made the right choice but these people broke my inner peace and I realized I do not need that energy. You are a strong beautiful soul that deserves people who love and respect you.
@Under Doggg Not in my experience. The worst I have had are those who are lousy at their job so they get stuck with teaching the classes the good teachers don't want.
Been my Quote since childhood. My first 30yrs I say were hell but learning and growing my next 30 will be great. Better understanding and skills to handle them and protect myself
Overly empathic rescuer plus positive forgiver--and a child of a narcissist mother! OMG! It took me 75 years to figure this out- set limits- and learn to walk away! I wish I had learned it earlier- but better now than later!
I'm a Christian; therefore I tend to forgive people's mistakes. However, I always keep in mind that FORGIVENESS is one thing, CONTINUING THE RELATIONSHIP is another thing. Sometimes, you have to forgive & let go.
I learned this lesson as making a distinction between forgiveness and reconciliation. Forgiveness involves one choosing not to dwell on past hurt or trauma, or the effects one suffered as a result of such past hurts or traumas. Reconciliation, on the other hand, involves one choosing to end or discontinue the relationship because it is no longer working out for them, and they see no benefit, or not enough benefit to outweigh the trouble, in maintaining such a relationship. Forgiveness is choosing not to collect on a debt, but reconciliation is choosing to continue doing business with the other party (if one may use a business metaphor as an analogy). Therefore, one can still forgive, even if they decide not to reconcile, and forgiveness does not necessarily entail reconciliation.
@Rune Quester I went thru the same thing. I'm a forgiver, but I'm also a rescuer. I've been single now over a yr and a half and spend alot of this time doing self improvement and getting educated on how not to put myself back in those toxic relationships. I am 46 and I may have been In 1 healthly relationship. I don't even remember what that feels like. Watching her videos are reminding me of what a healthLy relationship is suppose to be.
But are forgiving and kindness two separate things? Many people mistake kindness for weakness . My rule of thumb is that I'll be kind and do something or help somebody , but if they start expecting it , I take it away. Also if someone is not willing to put any effort to help themselves , why should I help them ? That's just doing it for them.
One thing I’ve learned over the years-narcissists are really good at LOOKING good-they’ll even go out of their way to appear like caring, empathic people, (because they know people love and adore people who care), but when the chips are down and it REALLY matters, they won’t show up for you (unless it’s something they can brag about later or have witnesses to). And to add insult to injury, they may even try to “compete” with your issue and try to get out of having to support you by claiming to be dealing with their own “equally” upsetting issue. Bottom line? It’s ALWAYS about them. Never you. 😞
impromptu3000 , so glad you could put it into all the exact perfect words. Yes! Yes! I end up making a comment and it becomes a book so I delete. Great comment.
Wow I feel so inlightend! But just realized that I have been married to one for 30yrs! We have been separated for the last 10yrs! I have blamed my self for everything in my life and the children who are adults now with kids of their own and I see now ( not saying I was or am perfect or just good) how it has impacted my adult kids and how they feel and act that has drizzled down into my grandchildren. Lord help us
I was overly empathetic and a rescuer. For years I had let people practically suck the life out of me, while trying to rescue them. I thought it was my responsibility to fix their problems, even though It was not true and not possible. While growing up, it was the message I was given by my narcissistic mother, “Just give in”, “Just apologize, even if you weren’t wrong”, “Just go above and beyond to help your sister, because she has had such a rough life, etc.” “But YOUR feelings don’t really matter”. I do finally have boundaries now though, and some people don’t like me anymore, because they can’t use me. Too bad.😊
Narcissists look for a empath, a person who won’t stand up for themselves. They will break that person down and inflict there insecurities on that person to make themselves feel better.
Or enjoy the fight if empath stands up for himself, cause fight hurt empath, on the thrill of narc. Just getting emotional reaction is what they want, is what they lack. I cannot see them otherwise than spoiled children that never matured, and developed some parts of personality. As if they got lost while chasing shortcuts
I have Asperger's Syndrome and have always been a very sensitive individual, emotionally-speaking. Currently learning about my ex-partner's narcissistic personality. There are times I look back on the relationship and feel like something was wrong but always made excuses or ignored how I was feeling. When they came to me saying they still had feelings for me, I paid close attention to their actions, words, and how my body was feeling and reacting to them. Needless to say, something felt very off and I told them I couldn't be with them.
aspergers persons seem wonderful beings, mostly!!! I met two such and then there is Elon Musk, so awesome! I managed to assist both to overcome some of their common inherent issues affecting their karmic debt. It worked wonders for both! I encouraged them to serve the needy by making food with their own hands and personally handing out! Both seemed to have released childhood trauma in this practice. Goodluck Ellie ... aspergers has a deep rooted spiritual angle.
Same here JD. Christ is showing me the way (saved and delivered 10 years ago), and I’m learning balance and when to draw the line. We need to walk in forgiveness while at the same time, not cast our pearls to swine, and not be abused and walked all over. Sometimes I feel like I am losing my empathetic personality, but that’s not true. We can be empaths and kind hearted people while still having boundaries. And enabling tends to hurt both people, so not enabling is much healthier and doesn’t make us mean or less of a kind person to learn to say the word “no”.
@@malarie532 There is a Christian book out there that deals with that subject, something do to with how Jesus set healthy boundaries for himself when he was among people. Sorry I don't remember the title, I think it is from the 80's or 90's.
Not forgiving ourselves is very might be our oversight. If we keep forgiving those who constantly punish us, we are NOT forgiving ourselves and just may be engaging in an unskillful form of forgiveness.
I am the child of a narcissistic mother and have a narcissistic bipolar sister. I am a very empathetic person, I am a rescuer/fixer, I am very forgiving, extremely positive and I have been heartbroken and disappointed by numerous narcissistic men and also friends. I have been divorced twice and I can see that both times I married my mother and I have friends who are narcissists because I see now that I am codependent. Healing from all of this has been an enormous task and is ongoing. I am looking for relationships with people who are more like myself right now than like the nuclear family I grew up in. It's a good thing I am very positive or I would have given up on finding real, meaningful love many years ago. I love your channel Dr. Ramini. You very succinctly put into words what people like myself have struggled to define all of our lives. Keep up the good work and thank you.
I'm all 5. My father was a narcissist so I never developed a healthy sense of self or self worth. Spent all my life giving, forgiving, understanding, people pleasing and accepting abuse because I didn't know better. 33 years old now.
Queen Bee - You're young. You learned early. Thank God. I spent 21 years married into a psychopathic family. Got rid of that mess and dated another for 10 years and kept him in my life for another 15. My mother was one and my sister. Done with them also. Once you are educated on this subject you can't go back. 66 am enjoying my solitude and freedom.
I cried when you touched on the loss of innocence in the realization of how chillingly dark humanity can be. I want to throw up every time I look back on how convincing someone so deceptive was able to make me feel so secure in the relationship. You I think that was the worst part of it for me. Frankly, it scares me
It is very scary. I am glad I didn't not introduce him to my child. He didn't even do anything to physically harm me but just the way he switched it made my blood run cold.
ya bcuz kind people will forgive and that is a chance they do again eventually just cuz u allowed them to be in ur life that's why some friends kill each other its true seen it news how wrong friends got a person killed for no reason just madness lol be careful
I've known a lot of narcissists. And all of them choose the kindest, most tolerant & forgiving partners. And proceed to make those good people absolutely miserable.
I've just realised I was hooked in because I have a high level of empathy and I'm very caring and a good listener, I'm finishing the relationship today, wish me luck 🤞
Hi all, I did finish the relationship,I just said I didn't see a future together and that the distance between us was a problem for me ,I didn't mention the real reason! Anyway I'm now Free and will be more careful in future , knowledge is power ✌️
@@hyg44gu54 A narcissist will affect a child's personality. Not tell you they are a narcissist, nor will they tell you how to protect yourself from it, nor will they tell you you are being abused. A school can turn the light on in children's brains what you can do, or how you will be affected. They are the second opinion.
I grew up with a step mom who now I know is narcissistic and sociopathic . I wasted my whole life wondering what the f is wrong with her. Now I know to stay away. She's always been the same. They WON'T CHANGE. It really ruins a lot about you like you said with kids.
Sami: thanks for a response :) Its nice to be able to talk to someone. I've gone to therapy and the therapist didn't even know what to say about my family situation. I'll go to someone else someday, when I can. I really don't know what to do about it. It would be a lot to explain but my mom is gone and dealt with that for a majority of my life & still am. I don't know what to do/how to deal with it other than try not to think about it or focus on work & other stuff. Music helps A Lot. Its very healing but it doesn't go away.
That's when we have to learn that just because we forgive someone does not mean we have to take them back. I need to learn that with myself more than anybody I know.
They also view it as weakness. Even as far as believing you deserve the treatment you get because you're 'stupid' enough to put up with it. Truly twisted people.
@@marilaglubag I forgave and took them back even after they did not accept my forgiveness, but it turned out to be great disaster, like accidentally triggering an atom bomb 😭
@@loverofthelostnarc I completely understand. I did too. However, there will come a time when enough is enough. It may take a year, five years, ten years, forty years but there will come a time when you realize that you're happier without them than when you're with them. Also, having a strong support system would help you get there faster. To me, that's the game changer.
I am the the child of a narcissist, extremely empathic and a positive person. Unfortunately, I have been attracting narcissists my whole life and didn’t realize it for what it was until now.
There are two aspects this, which are mutually exclusive. Attracting the narc in the first place, and getting rid of them at the first signs of red flags. I have managed to master the second but not the first. I still seem to the sticky jam jar for whom the narc wasps buzz around.
Same here... as I learn more about it I am realizing I am surround by them - some are extreme and some are “mild” (for lack of a better word). But they are all helping me to learn, grow and protect myself.
I see that now about someone that just came into my life over a year ago. That is exactly what I noticed but didn’t understand what it exactly was or how to define it. 🤯
Me: Empathetic. Overly Positive. Forgiver. I blamed myself for years. I see my "insanity" clearly now. The problem was that I kept looking at myself and trying to change ME in hopes of stopping THEIR abuse.
@@ephesians28-93 Well done for being this strong! I know how hard it probably was. I hope it's because u developed a strong sense of core self. Your sister honestly showed who she really is, which confirmed your suspicions of who she really is. She seems drama hungry.. So weird. And perhaps masking it as caring for u? Drama, or attention..
My, my, my . . I am overly empathic and was raised by narcissistic parents and many other family members. Freshly divorced after 33 years of marriage to a narcissistic man. I am in therapy and looking forward to a healthy last chapter of my life.
I am so sorry that you went through that. I am glad though that you are in a positive direction for yourself though! It takes time and the trauma never fully goes away-but you learn how to allow it to be there as part of your reality without having it define you.
Susan. Typical. A young guy came up to me and said "I am a nice guy - why won't women go out with me?". You provided the answer. To nice guys out there: You need to be patient. There are women who like nice guys - about 10% of the population of women. You only need one woman.
Yo, have some grace with yourself throughout this new chapter. It’s okay to feel lonely or hurt at times. I know that I do. Remembering to have grace and empathy for your own emotions is extremely valuable to healing wounds. It heals over time, but may fluctuate often. You can do this. You can do this. Again, you can do this. I wish you the best of luck.
So happy for you, Susan. If you wish to enter a new relationship, make sure you do the choosing. Might I suggest dating sites. You have a large selection, and you can check them out, particularly on the linkedin site. Most people have a public presence on the internet. Choose an fellow empathetic man. There are plenty of us around.
I am actually all of those chategories: empathic/overly optimistic/forgiver/people pleaser and I have a narcisstic mother, father, brother, sister, aunt, and grandmother. As a 40yr old man, it has taken me decades to finally unravel and define the nature of the trauma, dysfunction, and generational patterns that I have experienced throughout my life. Thank God for you Dr. Ramani and others like you providing this advice to help us navigate these difficult relationships. Recently, my Narcissistic Grandmother died and left behind property to myself and two of my narcissistic siblings and while they tried to force me to giveaway my share to them, I stood my ground and established healthy boundaries and managed the situation. Thanks, again!
See, I see that as a boundary violation - cringy, to have someone fuss about in my life, worrying about if I get a good parking place, or coffee.... or condescending to pray for me...
You missed a group: self doubters. Those who have conditions like OCD and certain types of BPD are plagued with chronic self doubt and tend to attract narcissists.
Pleasers. That is the theme throughout, in.a way, If you will/accept anything in order to please, the predators will smell that out fast. Self doubt could be a basis for many of the behaviors she describes here.
@@asdfghjkl8236 Insecurity. But all these conditions are related. If you are abused as a child, you are likely to be insecure. Highly likely that if your family members are afflicted with narcissism, you will suffer from emotional neglect - at best, it often gets worse because narcissists cannot really feel the pain they are inflicting on you, being devoid of empathy in their self involvement. If your own parents can't really listen and provide warmth and real love, you find it hard to believe you are worthy of it, since it is truly an unnatural state. If the people who should be hard wired to care for you cannot truly do so, then the child might reason that he or she is defective and unworthy. And be set up for a lifetime of emotional suffering.
Rescuer with an over-developed sense of empathy who forgives too easily as a product of being raised by two narcissistic parents! Luckily, I've got a good therapist, finally!
Just found this. Wow! I am the highly empathic, highly sensitive, child of 2 narcissists who pushed me into parentification and a heavy Helper role (and me being very conscientious by nature played right into their hands, too). After several decades of gradually freeing myself from their clutches, I can say this: it will take them several lifetimes of repeated incarnations to work out the heavy negative Karma they have amassed for themselves! As for me, I never knew freedom tasted this good! :)
They are attracted to “Loners” someone with few to no friends, so you are more easily controlled and manipulated. A good friend would advise against the relationship with someone like that.
Yeah, I'm definitely a loner and overly positive, empathic, forgiving, all of the above. I had no idea I was being preyed upon. Plus, my mother had just died when we were talking. I was keeping her at arms length until that happened, and then I just stop resisting her and let her in. Big Mistake.
@@brewchee858 and Ramona Akright loners are also easier to isolate. I too am a loner and sustained a spinal cord injury from having my neck dislocated. I am ambulatory thank God. Loners extract their energy through solitude which makes for an ideal target for a narcissist.
@@ericabamforth6528 After all this, I am so ready to get out of this situation. I mean, i am really wedged into a tight spot. Not only am i a loner, my family won't deal with me because i don't practice their faith. What do i do?
@@brewchee858firstly condolences about your mother. What are your circumstances? Are you depending in any way on your family? Do you need to stay with them in order to get away from her? If so, can you just "deal" with them until you can reach autonomy? Can you sit down with a professional and remaining family members and explain the situation? That way you have a mediator. In my experience these people do not change and in fact continue to take and take and take. Or you can try talking to her. Again, in my experience they either get defensive and put it back on you, or apologize but cannot maintain. This is time you will never recover. Is this helpful at all?
@@ericabamforth6528 Thank You. I tried that about 5 yrs ago before i knew all of what i know now and was just miserable and didn't know why. My family are JW's and they were the ones that pressured me into going back. They put that religion over family. I just need a job that will take me out of this area. I used to think that she was into witchcraft and working roots on me. Because it's like some weird energy that you just can't put your finger on.
Watch videos like those made by Ed Charini or Mag Bitter Truth and you will find out much about whats going on around you. If you already have my apologies.
Here is my tip as someone having expirienced this myself in my family. Get away! As far as you can! It took me years to get out of this shit. I am still scared if I come home.
I want so bad to get away it's not a boyfriend it's my adult son he treats me so bad he keep reminding me of his hate but won't leave so I really want to get away without money and transportation I'm stuff can someone please help
@@Pebbs12 you are an adult yourself.. any adult can life whereever they want. Victimhood behaviour is toxic as well. It also will draw toxic people in again.
@@user3458 I understand what is said but u said it yourself in your comment it took u years to get away it's not that easy with a narcissist r abuser because u have to play it smart when getting away from harmful people I told my son I was gonna put I'm out and two days later I was real sick yes I believe he tried to poison me so if I get away I want the resources to stay away and not b found
Hi, Dr Ramani! To answer your request for comments, I now know why I attract narcissists. 1. I was brought by a Roman Catholic mother and went to RC primary and secondary schools. We were very much taught to be forgiving of other people who hurt us, to make allowances for them and to 'turn the other cheek'. We should feel sorry for them, rather than angry with them. (Not any more!) 2. I am a very organised, stable and capable person and used to try to 'rescue' others. (Not any more!) 3. In general I enjoy life: I have had a great education, interesting career, travelled a lot, am independent, own my home and car, have a busy social life and know lots of interesting people. (This seems to be the real magnet for the narcissist, who wants a slice of that action!) I am also attracted to attractive, interesting, confidant, extrovert, charming and charismatic men. Well, what woman isn't? Enter, The Narcissist. 4. I was brought up not to boast about accomplishments and to think I was not pretty or anything special. I was never paid compliments about my appearance or achievements. (The RC Faith has a lot to answer for!) So the Idealisation and Love-Bombing phases are really surprising and new to me. (Though they also make me feel rather incredulous and uncomfortable. There is something 'fake' about being put on a pedestal and, of course, we all know that the only way is DOWN...) The Good News? Thanks to personal experience and a lot of research, including watching many of the videos on your excellent RU-vid channel, I now notice the red flags and the patterns a lot sooner and am able to exit a toxic relationship early on. However, I still feel the sorrow that these guys who start out by showing so much potential turn out be such A-holes, as you would say. It is, indeed, a great pity. So whenever I falter, I watch some of your videos, to remind me to stay strong, Get Out and Stay Out. Thank you SO MUCH for your great work on here, from all of us survivors.
Hi, I really relate to your comment about not boasting of your accomplishments- my sister and I were raised like that as well. She was a 'rescuer' and that led to her attracting a narcissist husband (they're divorced now). We've both realised that throughout our 20s and 30s, we were attracted to the wrong sort of men. We're both attracted by charm and humour and those who make us feel 'heard'. We're both educated and intelligent enough in other areas of our lives- not sure why we and so many other women we know have a blind spot and tend to attract men who are bad for us. OTOH I also don't understand what it is that puts us off about other men who aren't narcs- who are just average, normal respectable guys. We (my sis and I) feel we don't 'click' with such people (maybe okay as platonic friends but we don't see them as potential intimate partners) or something is missing. Could it be the absence of love bombing? Could it be the man's straight talking and the absence of 'charm'? It's like our internal antenna (that's supposed to help us find the right life partners) is maybe not working as it should
“Narcissists use forgiveness as permission.” Absolutely true. We can forgive without letting someone back into our lives. This way we don’t hold a resentment that only serves to hurt us.
Yep! As a christian, I can say Jesus expects me to forgive every time (70 x 7 and then some!), BUT, if someone is continually abusing you as part of their narcissistic ways, you are biblically not obligated to reconcile right away, but rather, encourage that person to get counselling to help them first, then the relationship.
@@catherinepeters9014 I am sorry as Muslim believer in the death and resurrection big our savior in christ.Admonish you to forgive which means to not nurse a grudge against anyone for your own Psychological well-being.But by all cost runaway from the predator permeantly and report them to be predator in jail and experience how it feels to be prey upon in jail by other predators.And if you are neglectful of this warning you are allowing yourself to be prey upon again.Resist the devil in he will flee from thee.The devil is a predator.
What I learned the hard way: "If you confuse my good-natured manner with stupidity, I will throw you out of my life faster than you can count to three. "
When I left my ex narc husband for good...I met him once accidently. He was completely shattered and broken and in a rare moment of honesty and inner reflection he said, " You were very good..it was I who could not tolerate your goodness." These twisted people know very well what they are doing and who they are. They are just unwilling to change. Their ego is too big
Oh my gosh, you are fortunate. I have fantasies and dreams that all the narcissists in my past say something heartfelt like that to me. I am all 5 types, and still attracting narcissists. I just know better than to commit to them! I’ve learned to enjoy whatever they have to offer, but keep my boundaries intact.
@@carolynmccall7592 it was fate which made him say this. He was jobless, broke, and wifeless too. He had no one to blame and nothing to feel arrogant about. So this happened. But you know a leopard cannot change it's spots.. Now I have stopped attracting narcs but I had to go through some deep level healing at the causal body level (facilitated by my guru) for this pattern to stop.
Sometimes I have to control how much I view your videos and how many I view in one go! This is because my mind goes back to the lies, smearing and injustices. I can find myself sitting alone and crying! I must say, you are great at your job!
As a Christian I am taught to forgive And when I was in a relationship with a (now it’s clear to me ) a narcissist I used to forgive him and stay Because you should forgive But then I sat there and read the Bible “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it” And I realized how important it is to keep our heart safe as it’s the source of our love , energy, happiness. And if we do not protect it we will not be able to spread all that love . Jesus also never stayed at places where people tried to hurt or kill him He left to next city So when encountering bad behavior You should forgive and bless the person and run for the hills .
God bless you for sharing this Rachel! Forgiveness is great but it doesn't require our detriment! I wish I was taught this Biblical basis for forgiveness early on. Would have saved a lifetime of heartache.
The church don't tell you that you have to love your self as others? Ok.. forgive is something and be addicted to someone is too much difference. Don't use the church for excuses. Forgive is the feeling of freedom, not think about revenge or hates, that is forgiveness. No "pretend that this never happened and keep going and be ready for the next time because will happen again". That are excusea
I'm a rescuer, I'm empathetic, a forgiver and daughter of a narcissistic parent! I began to recognize my behavior and the pathology of my relationships (all relationships) while studying for Masters in Social Work. Thank God for that degree and my LMSW, it saved my soul and now I'm assisting others in saving their souls too!
I, too, am empathetic and the child of a narc! I actually start my MSW program in Spring 2022. I just wanted to say hi and that I am SO SURE you are an incredible social worker and are a gift to those around you. It's so admirable that you found healing and are putting your energy towards helping others.
@@stephanies3246 thank you for your words of wisdom. Perhaps it did draw me to the field but you can't be a therapist or social worker or counselor and NOT want to rescue. The problems is when one thinks it's his or her job to save everyone and the world. I leave work at work and live a really balanced life these days.😊
@@39zhanna awww no, it's not an easy task but it's a lifestyle change. Good luck with Breaking those Patterns, you deserve to live in peace. Fight for it.
I’m 4/5. Everything but overly positive person. I’m an empath, rescuer, forgiver and grew up with horrible malignant narcissist father. At 45 years old I still keep ending up in abusive toxic relationships all the time and am completely burned out in every aspect of my life. I suffer from crippling depression as a result of CPTSD, severe abandonment issues and codependency. I wish I would have money to get some kind of therapy or treatment….
I’m emphatic and a rescuer. Unfortunately I bred the narcissist, it’s my daughter. Walked on egg shells her whole life until I. Had nothing else left to give. I haven’t seen her in about 10 yrs. it cost me 3of my grandchildren because they “were a package deal”. It cost me a great deal. I know all the kids heard just one side and I suspect there will be a day of reckoning when they are old enough to see me on their own. If I’m even still here.
I am empathic toward myself now, rescuing myself from toxic narcissists, staying positive about myself and my life, forgiving myself for my errors in judgement, and fully "no contact" with my narcissist parent and exes. I am the mindful gatekeeper of my life energy and who I let into my inner circle. Thank you for being one of my gifted teachers in my victorious recovery from senseless abuse. I am free to live my dreams.
Sad to say that I'm actually all 5. I'm a Christian who is struggling to find balance between righteous giving and boundary setting in order to prevent being manipulated, seduced, exploited, and controlled by the Narcissist women that I continue to attract. Thanks for sharing! I'm learning so much from you.💞
Respectfully, I made this comment elsewhere, but you may be interested: For me, leaving the spell of the Narcissist was very much related to my spiritual journey. The mother was a Christian Leader, and talked endlessly about "Forgiveness." At a certain point I understood that Christianity was not really about forgiveness, but REPENTANCE! The day I asked myself if I had ever heard her repent (or ask for forgiveness) was the point of no return in our relationship. To me, offering an apology is the simplest and most enduring test for narcissism. If you have had a long, and intimate relationship, and never heard them utter a sincere apology, or confession (admitting personal failure), you have a narcissist or close enough.
Yep, I walk into a room or on the job; if there's a narc within 10 country miles, they find me and let me know I have a target on my back, and they hate me insanely!
I would like to add that in my (non professional) experience as a survivor of a 2 year "intimate" relationship with a narcissist it seems narcs prefer honest, authentic people because it makes them appear honest and authentic by association.
So true they try to emulate you to create a totally fake ass "good person". I watch this one female and she is sugary sweet and cloying and disengenuous the entire time. It's quite the "floor show" once you see it and realize it for what it is. We live in the same building so there's no escaping her, only gray rocking.
Narcs value reliability and honesty in others. It would take way too much effort to manage, co-ordinate, and execute their attacks AND have to concern themselves with your veracity, whereabouts, etc also
For me forgiving a narcissist means that I will let go of my anger toward them, but will not let them have the opportunity to disrespect me again. After forgiving I limit my conversations with them or cut them from my life if possible. Forgiveness is good but you have to have a sense of self-preservation.
You mainly forgive as a means to let go of the negative emotions that still affect you from a person that has done some serious wrong towards you. That doesn't mean you will put a blind eye or forget.
Forgiveness is mandated in the Lord's prayer, but forgiveness is not reconciliation which must be negotiated or not by both parties. So you can forgive someone but not reconcile with them as they may be toxic. Reconciliation is a matter of prudence.
I am a 44yo male, and only recently had the thought that I was surrounded by Narcissists (I have been following Dr Ramani to deal with my narcissistic/ bully co-worker). Both my parents are narcissists, and after watching this video I realize that's why my boss and co-workers were drawn to me. I have developed some tendencies as well, and am supposedly BPD. But, awareness is the first step in fixing things. I left my toxic job, and started the healing process. Dr Ramanis videos have helped me to "accept the things I cannot change, and give me courage to change the things I can." Am working on the wisdom part after quitting drinking, which was my coping mechanism for some time. I share this for others in a similar position, and also to say thanks again to Dr Ramani.
Yup, I was a rescuer. Wound up marrying someone with Borderline Personality Disorder. Took me 2 years and $20,000 to get out and recover my house. Learned the hard way to stay single, set limits, let people take care of themselves.
Please dont judge all people with BPD as been a narc.... that can be true in some cases but not all. This statement seems to be based on one person. There are amazing people with BPD so try to remember to be open minded as we are all different :-) and can have a positive impact on people's lives. If you have ever dated a pwBPD thats not ever been in therapy then thats where the negative opinion stems from..... please also try to remember people with BPD have often had unthinkable things happen to them, without therapy, they can be quite toxic in there thought process as they never learnt good coping skills :-(
@@akhtaruzzamanjoy8524 Although they can overlap, they are two distinct disorders in cluster B. You can be borderline without being narcissistic, however, the difference can be tricky to tell.
@@paulaclark-dyson4005 well I dated an untreated pwBPD so I guess you can feel so much I was suffered by her. Cruel, toxic, insecure, jealous, verbal-physical abuse, Entitled.... And the list goes on.
You should check out her video on "what happens when a narcissist meets an authentic person" if you get the chance :) All of these qualities are great on paper, but the way she is talking about them they generally lack wisdom. Without explicitly mentioning this video, she talks about how someone who is confident and centered often puts off narcissists because they are less likely to be pulled in to their games. "Authentic" (her word not mine) people are generally still positive, empathetic, helpful, and forgiving, but they have a wisdom that comes with respecting yourself, keeping your own ego in check, and not needing validation. This is something I'm working on, but the general gist is trying to keep those lovely qualities without that need to be liked and to throw all of your energy into something that won't hear fruit/that will hurt you
Anybody decent, yet without inner boundaries. And that is the crucial turning point that will eventually make you see/sense the narcissist and not be lured in. Experience speaking here, much of it.
I'm #1. And I didn't get out. He threw my idioayncracies into my face and upon confrontation severed contact. 😓😓😓😓😓😓😓😓😓😓😓😓😓😓😓😓😓😓😓😓😓😓😓😓😓😓😓😓😓😓😓😓😓😓😓😓😓😓😓😓😓😓😓😓😓😓😓😓😓😓😓😓😓😓😓😓😓😓😓😓😓😓😓😓😓😓😓😓😓😓😓😓😓😓😓
Good comment. I am overly empathic and can remember the exact moment my ex narc chose me within 5 minutes during a conversation we had. Luckily I finally saw the light and was not the complete pushover he thought I was (I had been in a long term relationship with a narc before) so the red flags made me think he was a narcissist and I watched these videos and was convinced, the relationship if you can call it that only lasted just over 4 months, but wow he did a number on me during that time, so glad he’s finally gone.
I’m all five and I believed all my life that I am a good person why my partners or closest friends treat me badly…. Thank you Dr. Ramani that video is super helpful and will help me to set and maintain boundaries
Most Cluster Bs, especially Borderlines and Narcissists are attracted to these traits in people. They have no solid sense of self so they steal it from others.
I’m all 5. This was definitely an earth shattering relationship and taught me a lot about bad people. It still has me super super anxious but I’m happy to be single and away from him after 2.5 years.
It's been 2 years and 1 month for me and remaining single. I'm too messed up after having been in a few of these relationships. Taking this time to reflect on what I ignored and how to protect myself and be able to just cut things off at the first red flag. Too forgiving, too empathetic, tried to rescue, and had a rage-aholic father and codependent mother raised in a "Christian home". I use quotes because my father wasn't very christian but sure used the Bible when it was convenient. I wish you happiness and that we can remember all these videos next time we run into these people again, no matter the type of relationship whether romantic, friendship, work environment etc. They're everywhere and can destroy you anywhere . ♥️
@@johannak5390 hey Johanna.. you may want to also check out Tiffany Buckner on RU-vid and Facebook. A lot of what she shares can literally change your life and help you understand yourself in relation to the what Tiffany refers to the narcissist as a “wild animal” you come in contact with in the wilderness season in your life. Start with her video called Jezebel Unmasked. I’m telling you, your understanding as an empath, creative person will forever be changed!
@@johannak5390 It's more about God's purposes and assignment you here on this earth. It's greater than you know! So much so that these types want to so traumatize you that you never know "why" or for "WHAT" you really were created for!
When she asked,"Do you know what a narcissist thinks of forgiveness"? I shouted out they see it as a sign of weakness,and know they've won at that point.
Being a daughter of a narcissistic mother and being myself overly empathic, I realised that my life was surrounded by narcissistic people. I probably cut 70% off people in my life and I have been really careful and aware of them. Yes, we’re like magnets for them.
I have a daughter, 10 months old now. The mother is a narcissistic person. I'm the overly empathic one. I'm very glad to hear that you made it out well. It gives me hope for my daughter in the future not becoming like her mother.
I have PTSD and depression Sometimes anxiety I've seen domestic violence on my mom Narcissists relatives Narcissist and bipolar dad He's been very violent And my mom who would guilt trip me
I am an overly empathic rescuer, and because I always had my shit together, I was a perfect supply for a narcissist. If they needed a ride, I was there. If they needed a drinking buddy, I was there. If they needed to complain about their other friends, I was there. If I ever needed them? They were always busy, something came up last minute, they don't feel well, they don't have their car, they are broke. I am SO beyond RELIEVED these types are gone from my life!!
busy is the biggest lie of the modern age. i got the validation i needed that someone in my life is a HUGE TIME narc when they hoovered back after 2 years of NC. i asked them how are them and their bffs doing -- she burnt EVERY. SINGLE. BRIDGE. then proceeded to spend the afternoon explaining to me why her tantrum act out's were all justified. (guess explains why she stalked me out of the blue). sure enough my bleeding heart gave her her millionth chance for do over -- and what do i get? "so busy. busier than I've ever been in my life in the middle of a pandemic." buhhh bitch.
@@fernfractal This explains a guy I only went on two dates with. Everything was going great, and he kept talking about a next date and said I'll know my work schedule on Thursday. Then Thursday comes along as he's too busy. So I said this is not working for me, and forgot about it. Then after the pandemic starts and everybody's in lockdown, he texts me to see how I am and I'm thinking - you were fine with no contact before the pandemic now all of a sudden you pop up? I asked him what his deal was but he did not address that in his reply, so I just said "I'm fine. Hope you're fine, too" and ignored his reply to that. Seems that I dodged a bullet there.
If you are this thankful that they are out of your life, then it is not really empathy you feel for them. It is like you are only forcing yourself and it is not natural. A true empath never sees them as an additional suffering to their life but a true empath see them as human beings who experience trauma and are lost and so badly need compassion, understanding and unconditional love. If you are hurting then it is conditional as there is an expectation. Ask yourself, is that really empathy?
I used to be a rescuer (aka codependent caretaking)with positivity. Thank you for touching base on the grief that arises when the innocence of seeing the good in world is completely shifted by the realization of the dark side of humanity via the narcissist. Thank you, Dr. Ramani.
Me too! Hang in there, I find that the best way for me to divert my attention from the world is to invest in myself in terms of doing the things I love and taking care of myself. Hope this helps somehow
I know there are trustworthy people in the world. I am one, so it's not likely there aren't others. I just don't know how to be sure which ones they are. I can't be sure I won't trust the wrong person.
Take care of yourself, heal and get stronger. I hope you find yourself again, it’s very hard, but worth it. 3 1/2 years out, & I still struggle sometimes, but I can sure see things differently now. 😕
Same here hun. Thank goodness I have female friends around me who are similar. We are supportive of each other and this really helps me feel less isolated while I heal :-/
Beware, female narcissists exist too and they're emotional bullies. Learn more about narcissistic behaviour so you can identify the symptoms and navigate your life around and away from them. They can't prey on capable resilient adults...do the groundwork.
I check all the five boxes. I've been swimming with all kinds of narcissistic sharks all my life. I can't thank you enough for making this video, Dr. Ramani. Your channel has been super helpful!
BEING a CHRISTIAN, I am COMPELLED to SHARE JESUS. MOST positive people KNOW JESUS. NEGATIVE people DO NOT KNOW JESUS, so by SETTING a GOOD example will GET the ATTENTION of WHAT'S RIGHT. WIN some, LOSE some. 🐱🐱🐱
yup, I'm a child of a narcissitic mother And the scape goat child.(and overly empathic) At 60 I'm just figuring this out. Thank you for your work Dr Ramami.
Nearly 70, the scapegoat child of 9, overly empathic/forgiver as well, with Narc Mother, whom I care for now. Proof, they never change and will, in fact get worse as they age! I can so relate to the trauma you must have lived with, too. Happy to see, even at 60, you are seeking help/learning, as am I
Me too, 60 as well...no contact or minimal...the realization is overwhelming, I know...🔥🕊⚘it gets better, we are allowed to be respected and treated appropriately.
I'm 1, 2, 3 & 4. I'm surprised I didn't get suckered by a narcissist until I was 30. So glad to finally be on the other side of that absolute misery. This video cracked me up 😂. Thank you! 💗
@Hippy Mom Forever - That's difficult if you have all 5 traits. Means you are too good for this world :) Trust your feelings when in the presence of someone, and if you find yourself excusing their bad character traits pay close attention to that as well.
Sending hugs to you, same thing and decided not to enter into a relationship (and moreover, i am now pregnant but will be a single mother, hoping to break the narc cycle of my family)
I am positive and I love telling them about all of the great qualities they have. It made me happy to gas them up and say what I felt about them. But after a long time I saw that I was the only one giving compliments, asking them questions, listening to their stories and experiences. I have realized it’s nice to also receive love and have someone that cares about your life, too
And you said it so perfectly that as a sunny person you loose your innocence in finding out that there are dark individuals and the grief is extremely intense and confusing
I have an extremely narcissistic mother. Took me almost 70 years to eliminate her toxic self from my life. I now see, I am empathic and raised to think narcissism is totally normal and ok.
Me too but I knew her behaviour wasnt ok but she was my mother and I forgave the nasty, crazy bitch right from the age of 7 when she first shamed my body..... I stopped forgiving her and finally got angry and asserted myself and she then decided after decades of abuse that she'd disown me, just like that. No explanation, none! Nasty, cold, unfeeling, hard, manipulative, self entitled but also very jealous, resentful, toxic, hated me being happy in life, so did anything to gas light and undermine me. I now see the bitch for what she is.
Empath here! Married to a narc almost 25 yrs , engaged to one briefly - narc free and on my own ❤️😊. Thank you Dr Ramani for the insight . I can def spot them now.
Exactly me girlfriend! I was out after 17yrs. Then was targeted again after divorce by a malignant narcissist. I finally learnt my lesson after doing the research and inner work to spot them. I've been off the dating scene for 4 yrs now and feel I'm at peace and happier than ever in my 50's.
Same. But I was able to experience some very good moments, after the 5 year relationship. At some point I realized, how much easier life can be, without him.
Don't think of the what ifs, just cut loose and get out of the relationship and never turn back. Find yourself first and don't be manipulated, yes, just spend some time by yourself and watch more videos like this before wasting years with someone who is sucking you dry.
