What you need to HEAL A BETRAYAL: do not attempt the process without these two things 

Truer words never spoken. Learned this lesson the hard way. As Orion says in this video, it takes both parties to heal a betrayal to stay in relationship. Believe the other who demonstrates he doesn't want to do that, no matter what you want to believe to the contrary.

People can change

@@rizzed_out_puppy I've almost lost my life thinking that, until I learned about the dark triad (narcissism, sociopathy and psychopaths). Knowledge is power. Those manipulators play games for years, giving just enough hope to stay with them, but oh the tragedy that happens behind the veil that they don't want you to see. Your intuition never lies, I've escaped and have been drug free since I don't need to numb myself from the abuse anymore. :)

@@rizzed_out_puppy of course they can change but they also can change new habits to old habits.

@@rizzed_out_puppy very few actually do.

Huh?

That’s good advice but if you been betrayed by some you love and trust. It’s going to be hard to open up and trust again. It’s possible for sure just with time. Once you get pass the shock and hurt.

Forgive and forget is the person who committed the transgression looking to run from the accountability and responsibility of what they did. They want forgiveness and for the past to be in the past? Walk away or you will be back in the hurt locker. Again.

He did a video about not apologizing. The in lieu of apology is quite interesting.

That is exactly how I feel about men. I guess God doesn’t pair people with integrity often. Which explain why only 20% of couples find real happiness. Trusting again is so hard after the heart is broken by the person you loved and trusted.

Then that comes from a scarcity mindset. You're afraid of losing something the next time. Its a bit for control. Its a way to tell yourself: "Hey.. these things happen.. and it'll hurt". You're looking into the future to deal with a problem of the past. You can heal from it in three ways: - Be honest with yourself, accept it really (you might have been weak or blind, you've now learned that wisdom in the form of a 'voice') - Let it go (A specific person betrayed you, not an entire group. Make sure you don't generalise.) - Setup protective behaviour; don't think about it, but deal with it as it happens. Good luck! I hope you can shake your feeling of betrayal. Not everyone is out to get you. Besides.. sometimes betrayal is a consequence of the betrayer being incompetent. Give them the opportunity to make it up before you move on. The world is too small for 7 billion people to always just move on. Sometimes healing means strengthening yourself.

Absolutely right!

Great insight 💖

everything about betrayal is "fool me once shame on you , fool me twice shame on me" that's all you need to learn.

If betrayal means girl cheating on you, then moving on means kickin her to the streets where shw belongs.

@@YellowKing1986 no one owes anyone anything

same. she always swore that she had 'learned her lesson' and 'didn't want to be that kind of person' but eventually she cheated on me as well.

Thanks for your honesty. I wish this was not true. But I'm afraid it is true: once a cheat; always a cheater. There is something selfish about them I dunno@@bradleywesterford3587

I feel that pain. Sometimes life is a game of who you put your faith in, b/c it always requires faith (trust). Wish I would have listened to my intuition more@@bradleywesterford3587

@@bradleywesterford3587 I feel genuine empathy--I've been a sucker too. And I don't feel like it was all "all if fair in love n war" type of thing...like certain chicks I've been with could have been far more fair (just), far more forward-facing and honest than they were and that shit is on them...naughty ladies, shoulda treated me better for sure

Hello sorry for asking... I'm entering the second year and is as you described. Can you tell me how many years you have with your partner after the betrayal? Any advice? It's so soon for me and I really feel like Gollum. Some days I want to keep going and sometimes I feel like throwing all through the f*cking toilet to hell.

Cheating is a non-negotiable for us and we've talked about it at length. Once a cheater, always a cheater. Cheaters are liars and cannot be trusted.

"Once a cheater, always a cheater." Many cheaters will do it once, and never again. It's a case by case basis @@reginasemenenko148

real

Men and women are different in so many ways. This is such an obvious truth.

Being a man is not an excuse for not having integrity, stop with the nonsense

Every marriage should have full access to each others phones and anything else even if nobody has cheated. That’s common sense.

If you are being accused of something you didn’t do by your spouse and it’s destroying your marriage then I suggest lining up a polygraph test. I checked into it and it’s about $700. Worth every penny to clear your name and save your marriage. Assuming you really didn’t cheat of course.

I believe you made the right decision. This former friend sounds like a flying monkey. What's interesting is whether she'll come running to you when she gets burned by the narcissist. These enablers are often worse than the narcissist themselves. I'm sorry you went through that but I'm glad you stood up for yourself! Two of my in-laws are narcissists; they've tried to destroy my marriage six times so your story is very satisfying to hear.

I don't think it is as much about taking sides as it is about being heard and feeling understood which we all want. She may understand the transgressor on a deeper level, and thereby make "excuses" to try and explain their behavior, which they may have reasons for, but the fact is that you felt hurt and need acknowledgement of that to feel understood and have trust. The behavior and boundaries need to be clearly spelled out.

Anyone in an open relationship is not in any relationship.

@@kiddytube3915 Why?

@@tancreddehauteville764 because open relationships are transactional by nature. You don’t love each other unconditionally. Simply put, if your partner wants to end the open relationship and go exclusive, would you change too? You are together because you are getting supply be it monetary or security whilst looking for emotional support and sex elsewhere. That’s just using and abusing your partner..

@@kiddytube3915 I think many non-open relationships are also transactional. You seem to be living in a Disney world, not the real one.

@@tancreddehauteville764 yes never said it wasn’t the case.. as for open relationships, it’s all transactional. Both parties are abusing each other in some shape or form. Both parties would end the relationship if they decide to go monogamous with each other. So it’s not true love or unconditional love. So what’s the point? Just go your separate ways

Exactly. . And this goes for all those “religious folk who have faith in God”, as well

That's a choice for the betrayed, not the therapist. You can always say: 'hey therapist. stop saying that I should reconcile because I really killed the betrayer inside of me, so stop.

I'd like to see more of this too. Even after ending that relationship, I can't get past this new, fundamental inability to trust another woman now

bc most therapists are women, and well 😏..

You moved out. Why did you feel the need to stay in contact with her, go through old emails etc.etc? You should have ghosted her and move on with your life. Women never apologize, Orion also has a video on this. When I broke up with my ex LTR I completely cut contact and moved to another continent to start over. Read unplugged alpha by Rich Cooper.

My genitals literally cannot even be attracted to her anymore because she betrayed me. When I think of her, I don't think of sex. I just feel worriness, depression and betrayal.

A whole lotah qik

O and don't eva truss a bit eva

cause most breakups

There’s always someone on the bench she’ll have start over you and take your position

Is it possible to cut ties with the parent?

You can't ever have a different biological parent, but you can choose your family as an adult. At that point, any leverage the perpetrator has is psychological and can be working through.

As a parent of such a child ( betrayed by the other parent) I can say that although the perpetrator is willing to jump through all the hoops, the child (19 now) has no inclination of giving any space. Unfortunately. I think it will require many years of “ adulthood” to genuinely forgive and create a new relationship with the parent

@@oriontaraban6169 That's pretty much what happened in this case. Thanks for the reply.

It’s not the same

It was an error to start a new relationship to Begin with if you won't have yet overcome problems of the past. You're contaminating the new one, with residues from the Last one. Now if you're there already, focus all your thoughts in her and the new moments. Instantly suppress any bad thoughts with a kiss, a hug or remember a beautiful moment with her. ( All of this cant be for your convenience to forget, instead they have to be acts of joy and genuine love) Whatever you do, dont tell her that you're struggling trying to forget your past. She will instantly recent and distrust you and she's going to be right to do so. Respect your new partner.

Great comment ^

This is my version of your words, for those who would like to understand it from a different perspective (I added some of my own in it): In essence, men tend to be more focused on opportunities, while women prioritize values. It's crucial to understand that this doesn't negate the fact that both genders have values and opportunities; rather, it highlights our inherent tendencies. Its important to keep in mind that there are people (like me) who do not follow the natural pattern of gender expression, and may express themselves as masculine (opportunities) or feminine (values) while internally being the exact opposite. For example; what opportunity did I create by sending this message? Or what value am I trying to answer if I'm not chasing opportunities with this action? Its entirely possible you're a woman who loves creating opportunities, while you may be a man who just loves to hold and nurture a baby. Its unusual to see the extreme expression of one gender in that of the other, but the thought processes are there regardless. Unfortunately, many people struggle to see things from the other's perspective, hindering effective communication and collaboration. This stems from our natural inclination towards either opportunity or value orientation, making our priorities differ. The key here is that the difference of prioritisation also causes you to chase a different environment or presentation, and thus you get exposed to different skills and stereotypes. Ergo, it is likely that if you conform to a certain expression, that you indeed have a complementary thought pattern, not a deviating one. This is btw why neuro-divergence is difficult to deal with; you cannot tell how a thought or action deviates from the values you are exposed to. When a woman doesn't get what she wants, she perceives it as a lack of opportunity to provide value. Consequently, she might blame the man, deeming him low in value. On the other hand, when a man faces a shortfall, it's often a lack of perceived value, leading him to seek opportunities elsewhere. This distinction in mindset is rooted in different brain regions, causing varied thought processes. Men, facing a onset loss of value, may quickly move on, driven by a desire to safeguard opportunities by holding on for dear life to the values he has internalised. Conversely, women, confronted with a scarcity of opportunities, seek different avenues to showcase their values. If unsuccessful, they may become nurturing and open, attempting to create opportunities for themselves by providing value without a direct need for getting anything back. This difference in approach can result in men becoming more visible when they lose opportunities and women becoming more open to compensate for a lack of opportunities. In times of distress, men may close themselves off to protect their perceived value, while women may open up to create opportunities, even if it leads to a certain level of delusion. The absence of clear boundaries in opportunities can result in a loss of value or invisibility. This intricate interplay between opportunities and values influences how individuals cope and interact. Its unfortunate that we're not more free with sharing our values to one another.. for all our opportunities are limited by our resources, but our values has no such limitation.

​@@msc8382I think it's a good point.

He's primarily talking about cheating/Infidelity in a romantic relationship

Giving some people another chance is like waiting around for them to reload.

What do you mean?

Mmm, no

@@josevelasco1388 Waste all that time and energy to run the risk of them doing it again?

I did mean to move on with my original post dont stick around for that .

@AuthenticMath Definitely easier said than done