When a Narcissist Starts Losing Control of You, They Resort to THIS Trick | Dr. Ramani Durvasula 

I'm 4 days in from leaving a 34year marriage to a narcissist. It's the hardest thing and it's not the first time I've left. This the 4th time I've left. I'm trying with much more support this time to stay away and not go back. These channels have helped me.

Once you're out of their lives, treat them like they don't exist. I wouldn't trust them even if they're swimming in holy water

I was told at a DV facility that being subjected to reckless driving as a passenger is also considered physical abuse.

Soooo many reasons I have lived alone for around 25 years now. In those very brief moments I may feel lonely (as opposed to feeling at peace being alone) all I gotta' do is let in even just a few of those horrible memories of living with - well anybody else - to get past those moments. Just breath.... every time I start thinking I may want to allow some man in I also start trying to picture sharing my environment - my living space with him. That pretty much does it for me. I don't want 80% of MY belongs to be "accidentally " dropped, cracked, spilled, killed, completely broken, destroyed by some damn man. I don't need therapy to know for sure I don't want that. So I just don't let it in. I pay the rent so I don't have to open my door ( or answer in any regard). I pay my phone so guess what... I don't answer calls from anyone I do not wish to speak with! Soooo freeing 🎉😊

22 years in and finally OUT! Moved out last year. Divorced in 1 year and 2 days from my final decision to leave. I left 3 times before I was truly done. I'm SO THANKFUL for NEW LIFE!

I’m in the process of removing myself from 3 years of narcissistic abuse. First stages are probably the most painful. Especially for a type of person susceptible to these tactics. That’s why subtle narcissists can be dangerous. The detachment pain is worse

Constructive Dismissal - put you into the cupboard until they need you.

Their intense INTEREST is compiling intel to manipulate and leverage later.

My partner counters EVERYTHING I say. From completely benign conversations to really deep meaningful stuff, he ALWAYS knows better. He’s more educated, he’s had more experience, he just “knows better” about absolutely every topic. When I try to get my point heard, he starts doubling down and explaining all the reasons why he knows better. Conversations go absolutely nowhere unless I’m willing to bend to/believe/completely accept his opinion. He always says “if you could ONLY HAVE THE CONVERSATION” (aka a mystical magical conversation that may save our relationship which has been attempted thousands of times) then we could get along. But every “conversation” begins with him telling me I’m wrong. It’s a completely impossible loop.

When you grow up in a family in which one or more person has a personality disorder, it skews your perception of normal. You know it's not normal and you seek normal outside the family, but you don't realize that you have developed a certain level of tolerance which results in a failure to see some of the red flags which a person from a truly normal family would see as hugely obvious.

You do not want to leave over and over… Even if you go back, you know you'll get to the point where you want to leave again. you want to leave, even if it is in your head. It's a heartbreaking circle and the narsissis is already gone. You'll be alone before you know it. Even if you still share a space.

They’re not pretending to be something to you, their insidious behaviors just come naturally to them.

How does the narcissist know when you're stressed out about a big event? They know how to set you back at the worst time.

When you're trying to have a meaningful conversation it goes in one ear and out the other...or may just walk off while youre in the middle of expressing yourself ...like you werent even speaking

This was so excellent! Thank you! I needed to hear everything that was said in this dialogue. The abuse ends today! I'm free!!!!!!

BTW "It's Not You" most enlightening book ever.

No one can thrive in fear, and that's really what we're talking about here. Freedom, peace, safety and happiness... it's everything.

I’m soooo grateful for Dr Ramani!! Her speaks are saving my life, I nearly suicid my self. Thank you 🙏 🙏🙏

I am SO GLAD I listened to this! I was discarded last week, because the guy I was in a new relationship with was driving unsafe with me and my daughter in the car three days in a row, and I wanted to talk about it. And he refused to talk to me and insisted we needed space and not to talk about it. THEN ended our relationship! I know I dodged a bullet. Finally accepting the person I liked was just an actor. Grateful to be more discerning and i didn't get in too deep.

If the societal standard for therapists was anywhere near Dr. Ramani's current understanding, we would actually see the Entire Field of ''mental health'' (and subsequent treatment) ascend to an unprecedented level of therapy. Thank you for sharing this video🌠

Everything said is true. Bottom line, the narc is very dangerous

Awareness is step one. 1️⃣ most definitely.

“With fascism on the rise…” Thank you for calling it like it is. Sadly, this is the political climate we live in. It is so refreshing to hear someone with a voice speak the truth!

Oh my..... my ex is definitely a freaking mixture of communal, malignant, covert and grandiose. He was ALL OF IT!!!😢😢😢

Because they study their victim to use that information later and because they are so full of fear and shame themselves, their strategies are rooted in trying to invoke fear in the victim, all in order to manage their own fear and shame. A person on the receiving end of this can use their tactic - to attempt to invoke fear (and invoke fear) to heal themselves. They are giving you exposure therapy to your deepest psychological fears, because they studied you and give you exactly the experience you need to know and then heal your own wounds. Knowing that they are doing this BECAUSE they are attempting to avoid their own shame and fear is empowering. If there is no lion, then the fear is psyche fear, and that can be healed by working with it within yourself. Be safe, know that when triggered they can violently snap.

Yes, absolutely, my ex husband had a DUI fine would be $350 7 day suspended. Nope, went to trial lost fine went to 3500 65 days in jail and a mirage of other punishments. Now is in appellate court. Even had to post extra bonds. Left state bought a house????? The ailments, I can't believe all the ways I feel better. Spots that would itch and bleed on my ankles are completely gone! Even my perineuropathy went away. And he was a covert, had no idea but Iust have, he couldn't hide when he became "disabled", believe that to be fake too. Saw a different 180 degree different person. After a year if torturing me he is gone. Praise the Lord!

Hopelessness is where I got stuck. But reality did finally hit in 2014. It felt like someone slapped me, and woke me up. Hope died literally! As the s😊saying goes, I backed up and punted!. A game changer. Became indifferent, unavailable, and invalidating to the narcissist. Cut Supply and moved on in life, New Career, nit at home except to sleep. Stopped the service work for the narc. It's a slow death for them, because they have to work harder to find what they need. A slow process, age takes care of the rest. The narc being a serial cheater failed because of ED. Kinda pitiful, great spectators sport. No Supply, his physical death followed. Kinda Sad, but deserved. Their is justice, it's built into the sin. It called disease.

Whats crazy is that my narcissistic ex left me he stone walled so much to the point where he just calls it quits when hes too stressed and Dr Romany has said that when the narcissist leaves you its a blessing-- i know its a blessing but omg 💔💔💔💔

I told my husband years ago that I never wanted to be a bag lady, twenty years later we were driving home from restaurant came to a stop light he looked over to a bag lady and pointed at me and said see that’s going to be you ! 😢. Never know when they drop the bomb.

Who the hell can keep up with these people. I've been married to a totally crazy person for decades. Ruined my life. NUTS😢

OMG the driving. Even frustration on a store...

Clearly, you’ve met both of my brothers.

What’s worse is doing you love to do and they come so they can’t ruin it for you. That’s what my narcissistic husband does. He knows I love my garden so he comes out and tries to ruin it for me !

Thank you so much for this video. The characteristics described are definitely for overt Narcissists. But it is much more difficult to 'pin point' a communal Narcissist who may have learnt to look empathic and friendly on the surface. Especially if they are from a culture that tends to be more on the reserved side. They don't come off as brash and self-centred. It took me 2 years to start to see the mask slip. And then, my! Oh! My! Beneath of altruistic facade there lurked a cold and calculating individual who is all about control and opportunism. Tough!

My father is very narcissist. Im so sad for my mother she is abused in 50 yrs. With my father. Until last time i went home, mama was left him and she is now with me.

WOW the dread of mailboxes, this has paralyzed me for years. Utilities shut off, past due recertifications, invitations, the dread has cost me so much.

My narcissistic father is the worst with interrupting. I used to constantly say do you ever let anyone else get a word out or say how they feel or what they are going through. Its always all about you.

I know one that purposely drives extremely slow and acts completely oblivious when other people get mad- makes last second turns, brakes - Dude is VERY strange.

Be strong enough to be honest and kind

Meanwhile I do good deeds because I like it for myself, and want to do it alone so I'm not around the narcs. I'd prefer to never be found out or else their wrath will be worse. I like being alone doing stuff after dealing with narcs all my life.

I'm still afraid when my phone rings.

It’s just a spectrum … and social media makes it worse.

the Know-it-allisim and contrarian outlook on every situation *drove* me nuts. Nothing i mean *nothing* made the narcissist happy...unless I bought him his drug of choice and I would then ask (this is pathetic) "Will you be nice to me now" he always said " Now I will, yeah" What the fk was *wrong* with me???? I've woken up after this last discard. I have gone *no contact* and I wish him...the best he deserves. 😒

Wow, so, a week ago I didn't recognize the narcissistic tendencies of my friend, and although she doesn't fit every example (like being a know-it-all and interrupting all the time), she has some strong elements from the various types. DARVO is exactly the way she behaved (is still trying to behave, except that I'm now permanently disengaged) that has caused me to leave behind our long friendship. I can see that I excused a lot of behaviour because I thought it was related to her being a minority and a lifetime of dealing with racism... (being prickly, being quick to take offence when there are multiple other interpretations available, being both fragile in her self-regard and also expecting to be treated like royalty, etc). Now I am seeing it differently, or at least not so simply. I really appreciate all this information, gonna watch the darvo one next. This really supports my gut reaction of not wanting to engage further once I could see we couldn't actually talk anything through. And yes, walking away means I am letting her reframe it as her being right, her taking the high road, etc, which I can live with. I can't live with escalation and drama and attacks, repeat.

Dr. Ramani, I am on chapter 6 of your book, "It's Not You," and I couldn't help but notice the phrase, "NEVER going to change..." so many times it is on repeat in my head. I wish I could speak with you in person, I have pretty much watched every vid you've done on this issue, and I can't quite come to grips with the stated reality that a person really can't/won't change. But I am a 62 year old woman married 40 years to a man who recently told me if I were to ask him to choose between his job or his wife, he didn't even hesitate... "I guess Id have to let you go," he said without blinking an eye. I didn't consider my marriage "abusive" until 5 years ago when I went to get help for myself and my marriage. I feel so stupid, sucked in and because of my age, I built my entire life on an illusion. I am utterly hopeless

The way they collect information on the beginning is surgical and frightening. I had no idea and openly shared something very personal. All i remember is being completely distraught and emotional when he decided to bring it up and use it against me then pretend that's not what he was doing. I should have left then but i didn't. I to can't from a narcissist household and believed i was going to help him bc he was so kind. A great covert he was.

this isnt just in LA or luxury people, people on the bottom suffer from this too

I'm listening to all these examples & I'm like ...oh that's my Dad...yep that's my Dad...OMG Dad does that too. In all honesty...he appears in all of them. However since he retired & not around people as much along with not having a title, we are subjected to repeated stories of when he did this & said the punchline that " everybody" thought was hallarious. If you say...yeah I know you've told us before he just keeps telling it anyway. He is immature has tantrums & always reward seeking & has amnesia when it comes to all the many times you have bent over backwards, dropped everything to give up your time & energy for him. Has no problem remembering the one time you weren't at his beck & call. Bleh...so exhausting. I'm glad I'm not married to him. My Mother has been married to him for 50 years. The secret to their long time union She's a covert narcissist and controls the finances. She plans her revenge quietly and will wait as long as it takes to carry it out. You don't even see it coming. I'm not sure who's got it worse. Still it works because he loves spending & she has no practical abilities what so ever & is lazy AF. She's never even manually put petrol in her own car. He does her bidding & she pays for the privilege. It didn't work on me so I'm on the outta. Oh well... apparently I'm a disappointment to them so I just apologize & tell them I guess I'm just a product of bad parenting. No inheritance for me💰🤷

Hi Dr. Ramini! Your podcasts and appearances are tough for me, I know I learn from you. Thanks so much, Dr. Ramini! This situation hit me like a sneak attack, and it does really hurt.

This was VERY insightful, thank you so much. I read IT'S NOT YOU and it was excellent. When/if you see fit, it would be helpful and possibly illuminating to receive more information that pertained to one of the comments Dr. Ramani made: narcissists' characterization of their targets as "greedy". This definitely hit a chord w. me. Thanks again.

I’m learning so much about narcissist, thank you so much for sharing all that you share. It’s a learning experience, I am a pastor and I have narcissist in my life, I’ve learned to be silent with them and not speak but at the same time I pray for the narcissist personalities to be healed in the name of Jesus amen.

Listen to your gut

My daddy was a careful driver... on the other hand my NPD mom was not, she put us in danger when I was 13.

Throw dishes. Call the law trying to get you arrested for nothing. Lies lies lies. Lie about jobs they had before you met them.😮😮😮😮

51 minutes, thank you! More safeguarding needed

True! Next time my friend visits and starts driving like an ignorant teenager showing off (just like you describe); I’m going to say pull over at this next stop (no matter where it is but in in my town) and then I’m going to talk to him about his driving and refuse to get back in the car. I’m serious; I find this irresponsible driving selfish and self centered and ignorant. It’s frightening. They have no respect for others., even if they are nice and we care about our friends.

I think some of them fall to substance abuse … at least my narc started using and we are divorced now haven’t heard from him for two months. He drove recklessly, wanted big cars that he could not afford. And did not live within his means.

Please don't neglect the NEGLECTFUL NARCISSISTs! They're more common than you think!

I just want to thank Dr Ramani. She has literally enlighten and saved my life from a long term narcissist relationship 30 plus years of one I basically began it at 13 years old and ended it at 49 years old...been out 5 years now... I do struggle, no doubt, sometimes feel broken beyond repair, But I know I am not She speaks, I always listen ❤❤

My only tricks that I can remember while being a pedestiran is to look behind me for any cars turning right on a red light or overtaking the stopped ahead of them vehicle after I have already started crossing the street in an intersection. Not only just the BMWs, Ferraries, etc. The jalopies owned by rowdie teens and others too. The kind of rowdie teen who thinks nothing of yelling swear words out the window at you when you are walking along on the sidewalk with according to them wrong acronym on your baseball cap and then on the next day might ask to rent a room from you while you are not wearing that hat.

"Gimme one reason to stay here & I'll turn right back around." Tracy Chapman

My daughter is suffering terrible from DV case that’s entangled in long term narcissistic abuse, sitting in PRISON as a young girl there needs to be a change in the system!!!! These criminals are putting innocent people to their deaths!

This is the very best show that I have seen on narcs, and I've seen many, thank you Jordan & Dr. Ramani

I totally agree with you on GenZ generation since I have a 20 and 25 years old children 👍These young, smart, bright, intelligent adults are the Future of America 🇺🇸 Teach them well and let them lead the ways. Show them all the beauties in this world 🌎let the children laugh 😃 remind us how we used to be... Never walk in anyone's shadows. If they failed, if they were successful, at least they know what they believe ! No matter what they'd taken from them, they can't take away their DIGNITY !! By Whitney Houston ❤🤩❤

My wife is a total flying monkey for her covert narc sister. my wife branded her own daughter a liar to protect the sisters husband to protect her sister. convoluted but true! She knows the next time I will walk.

That car part was spot on- he told my son the other day about when we crashed years ago and he made out that him and my son laughed (he was 2years old at the time) and how me and my eldest daughter screamed. What he didn't tell him was that his dad was driving so fast the car slid in a circle on the ice while I was pregnant, he was speeding. He crashed 3 times when I was with him and to this day he still has road rage, my youngest daughter used to hate getting in the car with him which says it all. My kids no longer have contact with him because of the amount of times he put them in dangerous situations. All children deserve to have parents but not every parent deserves to have children!

They use the car as a trap to abuse you with driving dangerously or verbally bullying you .

Mine hoovered me 5 yrs after our nightmare divorce. Crying saying he wanted his family back and would do anything. I stupidly entertained it for a few months because we have a son, only to find he was with a girlfriend the entire time he was hoovering me and engaged to her 2 months later. DO NOT GO BACK!

5:37 My daughter pulled this on her husband. I now know that she's a covert passive-aggressive narcissist. And she started being mean to me at 3 years old and never stopped in her 30s and 40s. She has friends so I can only conclude that she treats them a lot differently from me.

Was married for 12 years, ever 6months shit would hit the fan, December was always a horrible month. 5yrs in, my dumb self was actually " planning " for the bad times 😂

Filed in 2023 Jan, divorced in May 2024. Between 2022 January to august 2022 contacted divorce lawyers twice but never followed though. The third time in October was the charm and I never looked back. He fought me like crazy but thank God it’s over now.

They love playing the victim, anything you tell them they will use. Best one he has, he said, she said. He came to me one day and said you did this or that, I said prove it.

lol ugh the self righteous narcissist. My siblings and I grew up having our days scheduled into even 5 minute segments. That schedule on the wall made me so angry and anxious. Trapped much? I have so much trouble being disciplined with my time now that I don’t have to follow those rigid schedules, because my association with following a schedule is misery.

Just shut two doors 💜 I feel soooo free!

Thank heavens I was bought up by my grandmother. Both my adopted parents were gay narcissists 😂

❤ I am grateful for your presence

I just can't wait until we think of narcissistic and verbal abuse the same way as physical abuse. It's just interesting that the DV world has helped evolve common consciousness to the point of us being able to confidently say, 'If there's violence, leave.' However we as a collective aren't there yet to say, 'if there's psychological abuse, leave.' A lot of narcs that are extremely dangerous know they must stop short of visible physical violence to avoid jail (until they do their grand plan in the case of smurder/sluicide). However, they absolutely know they can physically harm you without touching you. This is spiritual warfare afterall. I just think it's okay to raise consciousness to say that we should absolutely leave narcissists. Yes, leave the cars, clothes, mansion, pension, and all of it behind because your life depends on it, even if there's 'only' psychological abuse. 🙏🏿

It's the sudden anger and feeling of hatred that is the hardest for me to handle. I seem to have ZERO control over my body's reaction (harm from it). My heart does a double beat, my heart feels immediate pain. I'm sick that I can't protect myself from it.

9:24 DARVO: ➡ Deny ➡ Attack ➡ Reverse ➡ Victim and ➡ Offender

After being gaslit for quite some time, not realizing that I was at the time, I would start to display many of those narcissistic behaviors you mentioned at the beginning. I just would be so confused and frustrated that I was in another hollow argument over nothing, and it ate away at me over time. I'm now aware of that behavior that crept in, and now have found some peace, and no longer fall into it. I do think going through the experience bettered me in the long run, but the scars are there. I don't wish it on anyone to go through, but unfortunately many will.

My mom's sister (my aunt) is a narcissist. One time, she called my mom to brag that she was donating her clothes to my mom. Why? Because my aunt had lost so much weight. My mom and her used to weigh the same. Did my aunt eat right or exercise to lose all that weight? No; my aunt had cancer. Her treatment caused her weight loss. So, my aunt was so "proud" of her weight loss and used it to make my mom feel bad about her still being overweight. Imagine bragging about cancer-related weight loss just so she could make my mom feel bad. That's how toxic narcissists are, even using cancer as an "asset" to demean someone.

"Cult leaders are also narcissists." Great observation. I knew, but didn't know their sophisticated, well-buttressed, well-financed capacity to murder without accountability or consequence. We shall see. Come and get your glory, Lord Jesus.

I took my niece in because of her sob story that she'd be homeless. Never again! She quit her job, expected to bum money, and used the silent treatment with me when I called her behaviour out. She didn't get the desired effect from her silent treatment. I threw her out. I won't tolerate that crap anymore. She lasted here only a month. I'm tired of dealing with narcissists

I love this woman so much love love love

Thank You Dr. Ramani, for providing me each day with the tools I need to face the people that I can not part with like an aging parent. You are doing amazing things for so many people. Thank you again. :)

Dr. Ramani Thank you for explaining hovering. It brought back memories, Showed me evidence… All the categories of narcs is too much to keep up w/so I will follow the energy and keep my boundaries in place.

Omg this is my life As I listen to this, all kinds of situations have popped in my head I can't express words well enough to say EVERYTHING she is saying is true!

My parents were wonderful.They showed me love.They told me that they loved me.They were not overbearing.They allowed me freedom to believe what I like and yet instead I still felt code dependent and not good enough

Over the years, learning to be with myself and seeing that as my safe place allowed me to see the attachments. I have been made fun of for doing solo activities...and i found them to be so empowering. I'm glad to be picky about my circle of friends. Circle Matters.

Intermittent reinforcement of slot machines is not as compeling or rewarding as a big love bomb. Beware. Happens in many parts of life... in job interviews even.

This is a REALLY true and thorough conversation and goes into deep levels of the reality of living/ interacting with a narcissist or narcissist(ic) person.

And totally self absorbed!!!!!

The driving scary part is sooo true. And to make it worse, i was in a life-changing car accident that rendered me partially blind and disabled. Afterwards, i was skiitish in the car for awhile, obviously! Well, he seemed to take EXTRA pleasure in going faster than usual and ALMOST causing accidents or riding peoples' bumpers and laying on the horn....just loud, fast, noisy, scary!!! When i would flinch and cry he would smirk. 😢 And when i woild say something he would go "oh, im sorry, do YOU want to drive? Hm? No! You CANT! EVER AGAIN!!! SO STFU!"😮😢

Excuse me Mr... You are the best interviewer to interview Dr. Ramani.. Loved it!!

Such a great conversation. So helpful.

Thank you for this excellent discussion and great advice. I learned so much.❤

Yes - I feel claustrophobic by her intent to step all over my safe places and my safe people. And also try to ignore her texts

18 years of marriage. I’m torn. Can I survive this for the kids the have 1 place to visit? He’s getting old…

You have to convince the Narcisist that the failure of the relationship is your fault and that they need to be with a better person that males them happy. That way they wont show their evil side.

Dr. R described my mother to a tee with the "do-gooder" explanation. "Savior." She's very generous and truly has dedicated herself to "worthy causes" and "rescues" people. Then they completely worship her. It's very clever how she has created her narcissistic persona. They never heard her AFTER she got home from a big charity event and spent hours complaining about her supply and whining because one of the other contributers got more attention that night than she did. It really showed me from an early age that everyone in her life was just a pawn and her life was a lie. She wasn't a generous person at all. She was buying people and popularity. Narcissists will literally "pay" for their supply.