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@@kilotheneko2064 they carried him through Times Square on their shoulders, a full parade flash mobbed with marching bands and floats. The entire police force was in full dress for escort of this absolute hero.
My teacher likes free trials. She got a new hole puncher and was excited to show us. I accidentally asked if that was a free trial. I felt bad. She laughed.
My fat (not very smart) friend made a Jewish joke to me. I said: "Yeah but your BMI is higher than your IQ" We were player cards and everyone playing, even him, burst out laughing and he admitted defeat
Interdepartmental intern is working with us one day. Our department head asked about his availability on the following Wednesday. The little smart-ass thought he'd be funny and replied, "I’ll have to reschedule my vasectomy, but I can be here." Boss laughingly replied, "No doctor would give a guy as young as you a vasectomy." I piped up (deadpan), "One who knows him would." Silence, then no one in the room could do anything but laugh for the next few minutes, even the intern. Like they say, it's always the quiet ones.
Happened a couple of days ago so I'm homeschooled so we go to a homeschool group we were doing an experiment and the lady said tell me when the cup is full *pours half way* girl:"ITS FULL" lady:"are you sure it's only half?" I responded "SHE WORKS FOR LAYS!".The WHOLE class was crying lol
I randomly meet Somewhat larger friend of mine at dinner (on college campus). He’s there with his gf and was playing pokemon go, fighting a gym. I use the situation and said “that’s the closest he’s been to a gym, probably ever.” He went silent for a few seconds. His gf laughed. Then he laughed too
In high school I had a friend that everyone thought I was dating and make fun of it. So one day we were choosing a leader for the class (so the teacher only has to give info to one person) and I was a candidate. My friend didn't want to vote because either way they were going to mock about us. So a guy says to me "If I were you, I would break up with him" so I told him "If you would break up with him, does that mean you would date him?" All his group of friends laughed.
One of my best burns was on a job site years ago. I had to go out of town as an emergency tech team for a hospital. We get paired up with people we never met, and sent off to fix shit. One guy in the group was a cocky guy from Detroit. We step foot in the elevator. {It's one of the ones with that 900 operator voice.} He presses the button, and the elevator announces "going down" to which he replies "that's what she said" Too which I quickly replied with "yeah, but not to you" An entire elevator of people fell out. Dude wanted to act mad, but just laughed. We became buddies after that lol
This was in 8th grade. I was in science class. My teacher's name was Mr. Kosmac. He had an amazing sense of humor. He thought I was funny, so he liked me. One day, a roll of tape went missing went missing from his desk. He jokingly said, "Ohp, my tape is missing. Alek, I think you took it. Get over here so I can frisk you." My name is Alek, by the way. Me: "I don't think you want to do that Mr. Kosmac." Him: "And why's that?" Me: "Because you'll get jealous."
My boyfriend in 4th grade walked up to me and said "You're the reason Santa only comes around once a year" and with out thinking I just said "The grinch wouldn't touch you with a 39 and 1/2 foot pole" he just said "Damn man" and walked away
First time i got a girl from the disco home, she waked up in the morning and asked for the toilet, i described it and thought: "Omg what if my dad sees her and starts talking?!" stood up, get out of my room and saw my dad standing with a cup of tea in the middle of the floor, he looked me in the eye and said: "How much did you paid?"
Wasn’t exactly a roast but I created this game with one of my friends called ‘don’t you hate it when’ and we would give an experience that has happened to ourselves, now since I am a foster kid, this was easy. An adopted kid also joined in our game and we changed it to ‘don’t you love it when.’ Class started and I am sitting with all the good and smart students, the one girl comes up to me and says something along the lines of “Don’t you love it when your boyfriend breaks up with you and dates your best friend” Without hesitation, in a monotone tone of voice and a very serious face, I reply with, “Don’t you love it when your mom tries to sell you.” Never have I been more proud of something that I said.
One time playing LoL, my team was owning, and a guy on the other team was getting more and more angry. Finally, I killed in in his own lane, so he goes: “Oh, you can such my balls!!” To which I replied: “I would, but you don’t have any.” Both teams started spamming lol, and he immediately said: “OH SNAP, THE BURN!!! THAT SICK BURN, MAN!!!”
That Brit/German national pastime one is amazing. x'D It actually works as just a 'walk into a bar' joke, as no real additional context is needed. -Oof.
Recently, I wasn’t back home to visit family and I was really excited to see my dog, I didn’t know my dog was pregnant and I had been gone for a couple of months so by the time I went back home my dog was really huge. I got back home and as soon as I went inside and called out my dogs name she ran up to me, jumped on me, and was licking me like crazy. My sister was also in the room giving me a hug and greeting me, my niece then ran into the room very excitedly and says “Do you see how big she’s gotten? Look at how fat she is!!!” And I reply, “I know!!! But look at my dog!!!” My sister was quiet for a second and burst out with laughter and I couldn’t stop laughing either, my niece was mad though. 🤣
IDK if this is ending a career, but one time me and my family went to Chili's, we were eating our food when my younger brother asked how are you able to handle those limes to our mom. I said cuz she was born sour. My dad laughed and said that it was a good one and that I was improving.
Idk calling my seventh grade English teacher caillou and printing out 54 pictures of caillou and drawing a beard on every picture was rewarding to myself and he laughed
We had a cousin, who was annoying as all hell. (she lied, faked crying to punish us, basically a psychopath) and she was trying to instigate trouble. she tried to hit me with a coat and get me in trouble for it. After some back and forth she lied and I lost it, ending up in calling her a "long nosed arsehole" on account of the fact of the many times she lied and her long fucking nose that she was so sensitive about. The whole room was in kahoots, my mum was so surprised and thrilled by my sudden comeback she forgot to tell me off, and she pretty much died at that moment. She also threw my ipod touch down the stairs when she was at our house so that was something...
Context: My pos uncle is an almost 50yo man that dates 19yo girls or girls that just turned 18. One night, he was showing me pics of his current gf, she looked hella young like she is fresh outta high school. Me: And you're dating her mother? Him: No, that's her, she's my girlfriend. Me: Uncle, did you have time to ask her age before the gym teacher called the police?
I was in this biology class, we had a teacher who was in NASA prior. He was older and couldn't hear well, and people liked to play porn noises and yell and he wouldn't hear it. I don't remember how it started, but the roast went something like this: (Background: They used to call me Wolverine because I had a beard and my name is Logan) "Why don't YOU go outside and pull your head out of your ass, because that's clearly where it's been your entire life! What? You're going to call me Wolverine again? At least I can grow a beard!"
OMG i remember in like 8th grade we were watching a documentary on the tallest guy in the world and there was a part where the documentary talked about his love life and a kid said out loud "lucky for his girlfriends cause they aint got any bruises" and my teacher LAUGHED it was funny
This one wasn’t the best but it’s only one I remember. When I was in middle school there used to be this kid who would always annoy the teachers since he’d always be talking or somehow do something dumb to upset them. My history teacher at the time caught him talking and announced to the class that this kid was still looking for someone to take to the upcoming dance. Then the kid just responds, “Is your wife available?” We all just start laughing and so does the teacher. Teacher simply responds, “Good one.” There was also this one time in middle school that involved the same kid. This kid is black and his friend was Dominican. These two loved to mess with our English teacher and would often get kicked out of class. The friend decides to tease the kid and goes behind the black curtain by the class windows. He then proceeded to ask the teacher to guess who he was. Teacher just shook her head and probably considered quitting her job.
5:32 I thought the story could be realistic until I saw even the stripper laughed so hard she high fives me mid dance and instantly thought r/thathappened.
When I was like 3 years old i got in big trouble My mom yelled at me ''Who the hell do you think you are!'' After a bit of thinking i replied with an innocent and calmy voice: ''Myself'' My mom was so surprised that she instantly begins laughing and forgot that the was mad at me Later when she told me she said that she never had known a kid that could response to a question like that at 3 years
One time my sister and i was in a arguement so after she comes to me for some help but i was still mad she wanted something flat to write on i said how about your chest she didn't even look mad she was impressed
Best roast went something like this: Our maths teacher was notorious for generally roasting and belittling his students. And one time we wrote a maths test. The first question involved functions and graphs and we had to say which graph goes with which function by determining extrema etc. Turns out one function had no matching graph and vice versa, so EITHER everyone just matched the two together, believing that they had to fit OR people did the maths, got a wrong result, panicked and went over the entire question, wasting time and marks. And as we were discussing this in class, our teacher said "In order to have gotten full marks, all you had to do was write 'Graph 4 has no matching function' and you would've gotten full marks." Only one person in the entire class got that right. So, my friend put up his hand and said "But sir, it's unfair that these two don't fit together." And he went "Well, sometimes in life, things don't fit together. Look at OP's parents, for example. They also thought they fit together, but they didn't." My parents are divorced. Everyone was rather shocked by that poor quality joke. However, I knew he was divorced as well, so I just responded with "Your wife thought so too, didn't she?"
Lunch time in high school. Biggest guy in the friend group comes back to the table with his lunch and says, "I'm like a 10. I set the scale." I respond, "Yeah, the Richter scale." Whole table cracks tf up, burned friend gives me a high five. I miss those guys.
We use to be pretty friendly with a teacher back in HS so my friends and I would eat lunch in his class and just bull shit. One day we got into a roasting sessions with the teacher and he drops a typical mom joke so my friend pulls the pitty card and tells him that his mom actually died. Without hesitation teacher snaps back with a “no wonder she felt like a limp fish”. I almost choked on on sun chips.
When I was probably about 10 or 11, I was at home and my mom must have dropped something because I heard her scream "SON OF A CUNT!" I was in the next room over and replied with "Yeah, mom?" She didn't get it until my dad explained it to her. (Edit): Some people seemed confused, so to clarify, yes I'm a guy.
So I'm adopted and during the first three weeks of school when I was 13 some kid went up to me an mad fun of me being adopted. I replied: "Whatever, at least my birth certificate isn't an apology letter from the condom factory."
In 7th grade, someone called me gay. I responded with "I'm straighter than the pole your mom dances on". My English teacher said she'd have me in trouble if my insult wasn't so funny.
One of my coworkers walked up to me in a group and said “Hey man I’ve been thinking” So I cut him off and put my hand on his shoulder replying “that’s amazing, I’m so proud of you” he just started laughing and walked away
Oh last year I was in the car with my best friend, her mom, and her devilish little brother. He was saying that I wasn't funny. My best friend said I was. Then he told me, "If you're so funny, tell me a joke!" Without skipping a beat I said, "you." Even the mom laughed.
My disabled best friend in a wheelchair: ‘why does my phone keep autocorrecting disappointment to disabled?’ Me: ‘maybe your mum has been using your phone’ He shook my hand after some intense laughing. Proud of that one 😂
My brother in law is in a wheelchair and he was a super hero fan. He kept droning on and on about how he’d be better at superheroing than some of these stupid ones. I go “who would be your arch enemy, stairs?” You could drop a pin in that room until it all erupted in laughter.
There is this guy I know who thinks he's a stud and makes unsuccesful flirting and dating videos. I showed them to my girlfriend who couldn't believe how bad he was. He proceeds to give an advice : to spice a conversation, tell the girl she is a bad girl and ask her what is the worst thing she ever did in her life ;). To which my girlfriend responded : talking to you.
This Mexican kid in my class jokes in the middle of a career aptitude test and asks me, “Mr.C, can I be a lawnmower guy?” Me: “Axel, you don’t have to follow your parents’ footsteps.” The kid’s jaw drops instantly and there’s nothing but “ohhh’s” and “dayam” from the class. That story spread like wildfire and afterwards, all the kids wanted to be roasted. I was so nervous though from possibly getting reported, I couldn’t sleep that night. Luckily, 7th graders are at the stage in life where snitching is considered worse than murder. No one else screwed with me for the rest of the year so my job was a lot easier from then on.
I was at a party with my mother when I was a kid. She decided to go to the bathroom before we left. After she finished and opened the bathroom door, she met one of her old friends and they started talking. I was standing at the front door. I walked back into the kitchen to get to the sitting room when my dad and his best friend ask where I was going. I reply with "Mam just started a conversation. It's going to be another twenty minutes" Everyone in the kitchen (most people were outside having a barbeque) erupted with laughter and I made my way back to the sitting room. Unfortunately, my mother heard the laughter and asked what was so funny and where I went. A quick recap ensued, my mother called me a little b**** and then we left 😂
I once said something in middle school I forgot what I said, but the guy said “That came out wrong.” Without missing a beat, and keep in mind it is awkwardly silent and the teacher can hear, (it’s a small class with 20 students) I said “you came out wrong.” He blushed and started laughing and so did everyone including the teacher Edit: Grammar
We were eating in a restaurant when the topic of 'the age that men mature at' came up. My mom and dad were arguing that it was either 23 or 28 and I just looked at my dad and said-- "You're 60. What happened to you?" My mom busted out laughing and my dad imitated a fish for a moment, looked down, shook his head and smiled.
@@thesovietshrek7753 Wish I could give more then one like. Hay you, yes you. The one reading this with out hitting the like for the comment I'm replying to. Could you do me a favor and give them another like for me? Thanks. Yea yea, I'm ignoring those sorts of comments. Oh sure, you THINK I can't really hear that.. What ever lets you sleep at night... What's that? Hmm, yea, guess it is time for my meds... That's kinda spooky...
My most "mean" roast was in middle school. So, a guy that I had recently broken up (he broke up with me) with was sitting in front of me in Art class. I was staring off into space and where I was staring just happened to be near his crotch. He accused me of looking at it, so I said, "It's too small to see anything in the first place. I'm just wondering where it is," and I feel good about it to this day.
I just wanna share mine... There's this professor in college most of us in class hate. He is sooo boastful and does not teach us a lot. He always get mad at our group (me and my seatmates) One time he was talking about how he met her girlfriend. He said something like: "Look at me. Im not handsome, but now im rich and if i would rate my girlfriend she's 9" Me: 9 years old *THE SILENT CLASS WENT CRAAAAAZY* At the end of the semester i passed. That prof and me became friends after that lol
The first time I met my crush the convo went like this Him: making jokes Me: so your one of those funny guys aren’t you? Him: only if your laughing Me: *Well I guess I was wrong then*
So basically I walked in to my sister and her friend singing to a karaoke machine and I was like, "That sounds terrible!", and my sister's friend said, "We're trying to sound bad though" so I said, "You don't have to try, it comes naturally."
Mexican Wendigo yeah the second most liked comment had another witty comment which I laughed at but asshole changed it to what I wrote so I decided to repost to hopefully get no.1 and no.2 most liked comment on this vid
The most brutal burn in my life happened to me. Story: I’m in a store with a few friends and my mom tagging along. My mom randomly says: “I’m gonna get a tattoo that’s gonna be embarrassing for Lonely_potatoz. What do you guys think is most embarrassing?” One of my friends replies, without missing a beat: “Her face.” And she pointed to me. We all waited for a second see if she was gonna add on to that, but she just looked me in the eye as they all started laughing and my mouth hung open. After that she said it would be embarrassing to have my face on my moms leg, but I would think that’s freaking awesome.
I have a hardcore friend who has 11 thousand hours in tf2, and his main sniper has 100000 kills on it, one day someone called him out on his sniper asking "where'd you farm that sniper at" and he responded "MGE" (mge is basically the 1v1 servers of tf2) dude immediately left the server
A long time ago after a heavy drug fuelled weekend, my friends wife asked me " when will u realize that ur gay". I relpied "right after i wake up next to you".
(I think it doesn't sound as good in english as it sounded in my native language, but here's my story anyway) For some time, where i live in, "you're a miscarriage" was a common insult. I was in 7-8th grade or so and that was like my first week on that school, when a boy called me "a miscarriage". I replied without thinking "Look who's talking. At least it wasn't intentional in my case" (it was more like "at least I wasn't adopted from a trash can", but the implications don't translate that well into english). He started laughing his ass off and we immediately became best friends.
