White, Gay, and Confronting Racism 

I think the danger in this conversation is that we need to stop pretending that people of color need to prove themselves worthy of white people. Any animosity that a white person feels towards a person of color, for any reason, is from within. It's not our job to tell you, you are wrong. But also I dont feel like white people need to constantly go out of their way, to make others feel accepted. I have dated men from all backgrounds, and Im proud to say that I have friends of all races. Those relationships developed on mutual love, respect and trust. IT HAD TO BE EARNED by both parties. When people post things on their profile like "no blacks, whites, latinos, indians, asians, fats, fems"... Im actually 100% fine with it. Because I dont have to waste my time trying to figure out what kinda person you are. Your profile says it all. Just my opinion.. :)

This is so true, as a Latino, I can say that this situation happens not only between white gay men and people of color but also between ethnicities. For example, I have found in my culture people that are racists against other latinos with a darker complexion.

I really liked this discussion. My only question is, " where is the gay Native American?, we are under represented. I am half Native American, half Irish, overweight, Gay and have experienced racism all my life. I, however, have not allowed that to dictate who I am as a person.

The worst thing I was told 'you are beautiful and smell good for a black guy'...And when he saw the look on my face.... He then quickly apologized...

I love how Wilson is the only one at the table eating. He's like "Bitch, I was invited to dinner. Pass the Salad and the wine!" Lmao. I've had the biggest crush on him since he was 'Ricky' on My So-called Life.

Can I say that Indian man is fine as hell I would take time out for him

Indian guy is bangin'

4get white acceptance.

the white guy in the middle is the one with the issues and trying to avoid his on racism issues

....love this format; beautiful gay men enjoying each other,talking about real issues and not a cell phone nor screen of any kind in sight.

Yikes this dude has openly said in one of his videos that he’s exclusively into white guys and that this is perfectly okay. It’s also apparent that he’s in denial of his own racism 🤦🏾‍♂️

As a gay male of color I love this. Totally agree with everything said!!! I would love to see more diversity and understanding in the LGBTQ community.

Wilson is right! As a person of color, I realized that I know a ton about white-American culture that white-Americans don't know about mine. Today with the internet black culture is far more mainstream. Earlier as a perused RU-vid I found a two videos-one that asked white people questions about black culture and the other asked black people about white culture-and I was able to correctly answer all of the questions in both videos. It was shocking that only one white girl knew many things about black culture while the rest of the white people struggled.

racism exists in our community and its really painful....I moved to Canada thinking of making some friend but only experienced Racism from the community....and I am talking about Canada .....not America. cant Imagine what Americans go through...

Im white and Im into every color, I love all the crayons in the box, just be kind to me and I will return it in abundance ♥

I think it's racist to state that an entire race is not your type, I mean black/ Asian/ Latino people are all different, I think it's better to say you don't like skinny smooth guys (which is dominant but not all Asian ppl have it) for example

PLEASE MAKE MORE VID LIKE THIS??? THEY'RE AWESOME!

Everyone has a preference!There is a difference when that preference becomes an absolute! Remain open or you might miss out.

Great discussion!!! Thank you to all my friends at that table! I've experienced every aspect of that conversation first hand and it's nice to see that somebody actually cares enough to at least put it on the table and figure out exactly where we need to go from here!

I kind of wish the discussion MOVED to men of colour NOT INTERESTED OR DENYING EACH OTHER. Notice Matthew the discussion is about white men. I feel these men of colour made excellent points about racism in the gay male community. But I kind of wish the discussion focused MORE about the prejudices men of colour who are GAY have for each other. We need another video Matthew make it happen! Great topic of discussion by the way!

and why is this about only white gays? I listened to the whole conversation but I saw this subject only pertaining to white gay males and how others either need to appeal to white gay men...

My issue is they made it seem like every gay is chasing white men . Like this actually catered to white gays even more . They didn’t hit on the fact that these men of color are ALSO DISCRIMINATING against other men of color .

This is such a great concept! Great video! Reminds me of Chelsea Handler's show haha And the guy with glasses was hilarious! "He could make your life Disney!" loved him.

My God!! The Indian dude 😍😍😍

Gay white men are white men. Never forget that

Thx so much for this! There needs to be more open, and honest conversations like this. We have to stop sweeping these issues under the rug; if we never address them, nothing will ever change.

Oh man- that looks like a great dinner party of guests, to which I'd love to fantasize having. Beautiful, intelligent people eating and drinking under the open night sky, so chic. Imagine what the conversation was like for the whole night :D

Thank you Matthew -- I truly enjoyed this conversation. I wish there were more conversations like this--I think they are terribly needed.

I live in the gay community where I’m from. And there is Racism against gay men of colour especially against black gay men it’s something hardly anyone talks about.

I came across this video because it was intriguing. But as a straight man, who is asian, its the same problem across all sexual orientation. I think the big issue is also, people are open to dating one of another race, so long as they are the "westernized" version of their race: sharp broad nose, chiseled features, etc.

i really don't think using vegetarianism as a comparison for sexual preferences is very wise; vegetarianism is a conscious dietary choice and not based upon an unspoken preference for food that isn't meat. this comparison implies that sexual preferences are unspoken, unconscious decisions that are just a part of who you are. your preferences for anything are pretty much entirely environmental and to make a pre-emptive decision on someone based entirely on their race is discriminatory, and are most likely created from being exposed to insidiously negative representations which assimilate over years and years and years until they become part of your decisions. if you grew up only watching a shitty biased documentary about sharks, you'd never go in the damn ocean, but if you grew up with huge aquariums in your house with a huge diversity of fish you'd grow up having a really positive and rounded view of sea life. if you grow up watching movies which systematically desexualise asian men, and portray black men as thugs or drug dealers or bullies with knives, or un-romanticised villains, it'll completely affect how you engage later in life. so having racial preferences, is absolutely racist

The gag is everybody on this panel has a white partner. Tell me I’m wrong.

There are normal, non-racist dudes who are NOT on dating apps like me... I don't look at race AT ALL in life, I think it's because I had every nationality growing up in school and we all played sports! P.S. Vancouver here!!

I love what was said at the end. Piggybacking on that, I'm sick of movies and books and TV shows set in this non-existent universe where gay people don't exist. We shouldn't support that, and we should actively support media that does include gay people. In the same way, let's choose entertainment that includes racial diversity for the same reason.

....also i would love to see this format; "a round-table discussion" include gay men of all ages as often older gay men have become invisible due to the disappearance of gay clubs,bars and neighborhoods all over. almost everything has moved into the digital realm like this and "face-time"becomes rare.

Everybody has a preferences. My question is how does one acquire their preferences? What were the influences that played into it. Secondly, it seems like those who are the most defensive about their preferences, have not taken into consideration that when you hear "No Blacks, No Fats, No Femmes, etc" enough, it tends to weigh on you. It's not that easy to get over something when it's constantly in your face. That doesn't have to do with just white people but anyone.

This was a great discussion that I very much enjoyed and I’m happy to see more awareness about the issue of racism between cis gay men (specifically white men towards Men of color). One suggestion: if you’re going to call the conversation a round table conversation, actually sit at a round table. By placing yourself at the head of the table, traditionally a position of power, you automatically have created a power dynamic that I believe is against your mission. It felt to me as paternalistic and like your were merely a facilitator when in reality it is solely our responsibility as white men to change the racism within our community. These small details speak volumes. I hope you’ll consider this if you continue to have conversations around these issues.

Honestly being told this by Gay white men has made me not even give them a chance even when I was approached. Its basically given me a bad view about all of them. Its not something I can get over also and I openly admit it. I live on a Island full of mostly Asian men and thats whom I date!

Good video. It would have been nice to touch on 1) colorism and 2) discrimination between minority races, the video assumes its just whites who are apprehensive about dating outside of their race.

Can you do this dinner party every week or month with these kinds of people? Looks fun.

I can related to many of these same things in relation to what it feels like to be overweight or fall outside the desired norms of beauty. I, myself, have struggled through the years to finally understand that many of my perceptions were driven by ego and what a potential mate could do to "boost my social standing" or otherwise help me feel better about myself. We're all just trying so damned hard all the time. Exhaustion has come as a welcome relief. I'm now less inclined to push people and things away that life presents to me.

I know this is three years maaaaad late lol...but naaa people like to cover racism with the word preference....saying no Blacks No Asians means you don't find the entire race attractive. Why? Where is that coming from? Do the work because it has its roots in racism and sterotypes. So you're telling me all 2 billion-plus Asian people are not attractive to you? C'mon give me a friggin break. Whenever I hear that crap from someone that is White in the community that friendship dies with that comment.

I really like Mathew and his effort to tear down one of the not-so-good parts of the gay community. He understands that in being white he is involuntarily put in a position that may give him a lack of understanding. Most gay white guys I know seem to think there is no unfair racial representation of the gay community at all. But I don't expect them to because they aren't effected by it at all. Thanks Matthew for addressing a problem and asking the right people for the right solution. Please, continue your mission to better our community!

I don't think it's terrible to say that one isn't sexually attracted to a certain race. It's no different than saying one isn't attracted to an obese man, or a thin man, or a short man. It's a matter of taste and it doesn't reflect on whether one respects that race or not. Just like we can't force a gay man to be sexually attracted to women, we can't force a white guy to be sexually attracted to a black guy or vice versa. Honesty is a good thing.

With gay discrimination.. you'd think it would encourage a gay person not to be racist.

please do more of these videos, being young and impressionable like myself, can be a good or a bad thing, but with people like you in the world who are changing the way youth think, our community will become a greater place

Everybody is out whack the white guy

I live in California U.S. the most diverse part of the continent and being a 28 year old gay guy of color I have seen racism and ageism on online dating apps. When it comes to me, so I have put in the bio of my profile and always tell guys online that "my type is based on personality not physicality. No arrogant, judgement and shallow guys" believe me or not so far I have been lucky enough to have dates with guys older than me, younger than me and around my age, I have been on dates with guys of all colors black, white, Hispanic, Asian, native American and middle eastern. I am not sure about the other guys with whom I go on dates but demographics and looks of guys are non of my concern always.

It can be harmful to advise an individual to use the word 'preference' and express it with empathy when telling another person that they are undesirable because of their skin color, which is something beyond their control. This kind of thinking can allow us to masquerade our racism behind 'preference' and temporarily avoid the consequences from this underlying problem within the gay community. How can Justin compare the preference for enjoying vegetables to meat as remotely similar to preferring to exclude an entire population of men because of the pigment of their skin?

"No chocolates, no African Americans, no curry, no Indians, no spice, no brown latinos, no rice, no asians" are the new racial slurs.

After the 10:30 did he kick everyone out just for the vid? 🤔🤔🤔. I felt the convo could have been longer though.

To answer Matthew's question, I definitely think it comes down to making that conscious effort to locate beauty in every race, shape and size. The features that people prefer and are attracted to, are surprisingly not race specific and can be found across the board. I agree, broaden your social and media horizons and increase your exposure, as suggested in this video, but also take the time to observe and to appreciate subjective beauty. It can be 'very' easy to overlook physical and personal nuances, even with increased exposure; but when we consciously (and repeatedly) stop and appreciate maybe just 1 or 2 attractive things... that's when the game changes, both interracially and intraracially. Attractive features knows no single race, shape or mannerism, so how about we at least let "preference" start, on an even playing field, then add specifications afterwards.

I'm a straight cis female and I need these guys as friends when I go through a break up 😩😩😩

OK, here's an idea for a video. How about finding groups of white (gay) friends and sitting them down and having an honest conversation about the same things. Ask if it's just a coincidence that the group is homogenous and get to the root of how the group came to be. They won't be hard to find.

I'm of Indian origin and I've never had white or any other people tell me they didn't want to date me because of my ethnicity. On the contrary, I have always been treated just like any other person. I feel pretty previliged and get treated with a lot of respect- both online and in real life situations, like in bars; I do not feel marginalized. And if someone did say that they weren't interested in people of Indian origin or any other origin, I'd smile and accept that instead of playing victim because I feel comfortbale with myself. If anything, I've often conveyed my lack of interest toward white men who have shown interest. You guys need to look a deep look at how you handle the challenges of life and look at yourselves instead of censoring other people's thoughts and preferences and whining about discrimination all kinds of contexts. This is getting pathetic. For your own sake, grow up. You'll earn your respect in doing that.

This needs to be an hour long video, really good points were brought up but just the tip of the iceberg. Great attempt though ❤️

ahahah it is interesting to see when within all that talk the Latino guy goes " you better go to Mexico" as someone who is not from the US I must say that Americans, in general, compete with who is the more "oppressed" and who is the more " repressed" and its almost as if everyone deserves a CUOTA........and then go and say things like that.

When he mentioned that black homosexual men are used for HIV med ads is real asf!!!

I dated a German guy once. I ran into him during pride after we broke up in a gay black bar. He said out loud he and his roommate were the only white guys there. I quickly reminded him that’s my life in a sea of white people….other gay bars, years of school, work and just everyday contact. He quickly realized how racist he sounded.

The black guy's skin tone is gorgeous and glowing! Thank you for posting this discussion.

how about black guys who are not interested in dating other black guys or asians/ latinos who won't date races that are not white, this topic is complex and white guys should stop being victimized. most gay men by and large irregardless of race often act like idiots when it comes to personal relationships. We are often the tackiest, see all the things we normalise like grindr and casual sex, add to that our often shallow and childish behaviours, is it any wonder finding a gay man to partner up with has become so hard in these times of equal marriage, we fought so hard for it and now it seems no one wants it. Or are we all convincing ourselves that we'll remain single and keep having fun till some imaginary knight in Armour with a ten incher and muscles comes to save us ? there are bigger issues in the lgbt community, yes racism should be addressed but not through all this' not into black guys or asian's' uttered by idiots on some silly apps.

This is an excellent conversation. However, there is no discussion about the roles that culture, ethnicity, religious beliefs and social class play. All of these have a profound role that determines attraction between two (gay) people. The idea that racism can be addressed in isolation of the aggregation of social factors only defeats the intent of the desired outcome. Racism is a problem, but it must be viewed in cumulative context with the other equally compelling social factors in order establish a more informative view of the of the situation. Most gay men (of all human pigments) have it hard enough gaining acceptance in their families for their sexuality, throw on top of that the challenge of bringing someone who is from a higher/lower social class, different religion, different ethnic, cultural &/or national identity and it may prove to be too much for that family to accept. This can have major ramifications for that individual gay person including a breach of trust from his family should they rebuke his choice of partner/husband. When we can frame it from this multi-dimensional perspective it no longer becomes a reductive issue about someone's color. From here we can hear deeper multi-dimensional stories of how hard it is for two people to come together given ALL the requirements necessary.... This is important because whether or not we acknowledge it, most of us want our biological family to accept us...and to celebrate with us the love we find. Whether or not we care to admit it, our families have also played a very large role in who we find attractive. Just like our heterosexual siblings we too have been conditioned to perhaps think highly/ lowly of this social class, that religion, those people of that country, people with a degree or without a degree, the list goes on....and the combination one family has maybe very different from another--both of whom can be from the same race....I also think this is where gay and heterosexual people have something in common. I hope this adds to the conversation.

I really enjoyed this video Matthew! Thank you for putting this out there.

GREAT VIDEO... and I get it. But what I as a 400lb. hot gay man would like to ask this wonderful group of self-proclaimed "woke" men is the entire cliché is "No Fats/No Fems/No Blacks/No Asians". Why was I left out of your dinner/discussion? And do you know how many pages (entire ISSUES) of Out/Advocate I have to flip through to see someone who looks like me?

Thanks for having this's conversation. It was honestly helpful in allowing me to deconstruct racist perception that I might have and what I can do to change them.

I personally feel a gay white man who is older and not in shape would face far more discrimination in gay community than people in color, sadly we are not talking about it...

I love Alec Mapa and his beautiful family. He's like one of my favorite people. If I ever meet him I wanna give him a big hug.

Have any of these queens ever left Weho?! There are plenty of countries where White Guys are NOT the preference. I've been to Japan and you will see Grindr profiles that explicitly state: "No white guys please" or "Asian only". Plenty of men in Spain will only date other Latino men. Not everyone is desperate for White Men to like them! This video in problematic in that it assumes that White Men are the benchmark of attractiveness...and that every other ethnicity is desperately trying to snare a White Man! Lots of black men love...other black men! And only black men! We are not all craving White Guys...like the host seems to think!

This is the best video you've ever done. Everything that was said around the table could just have easily applied to elders in the gay "community." Ageism is at least prevalent among young gay men, as racism. I'd love to see you do a video like this one on ageism with gay elders and younger men. I'm guilty of having felt the same way when I was a kid in the sixties. The question now is, how to we change that?

Thank you for posting another video with more depth! Hopefully the more it's talked about the more people will see it as a problem

So I’m still confused. When does preference become racist? What if you dated a lot of people from different cultures and backgrounds, and you say hmmmm ... I like white bread. Does that make you racist?

Next time let Sachin talk as well pls!

i did kind of raise an eyebrow around 1:50, when Wilson made the assumption that the guy that Justin went on a date with was white. someone of color can still have a "type" and not be into a certain ethnic group, not just the Caucasian crowd.

Really great video, real topics and real discussion on the issues that we face in the LGBTQ+ community.

Really nice video and great idea to present this conversation in this format. I love it! I could not help though to have a feeling at the end of the video that the whole conversation was steered towards educating white gay men by having them at the centre of it all, rather than just listening and deepening into the experience of the other participants (Maybe that was the intention) Thank you for the video. You all are and look so cool and handsome xxx

Why is the white guy the head of the table lmao

This was such a great video and intelligent conversation four years ago that still is so relevant today (sadly). Hopefully 2021 will see Matthew bring back some dinner party talks for RU-vid. :D

I hate the words "people of color". Crayons are colors. We are people who happen to have a different hue of skin tone.

I have Always felt the answer to this issue of expressing preference needs simply be I the positive. “I tend to white guys,” or “black guys get my attention,” or similar. There’s no need to expressive in the negative.

Please, more of this. Really enjoyable and interesting conversation.

I'll take the black guy and Indian guy. Please and thank you!

3:53 The indian guy looks pretty hot so things are different for him, notice how he was the only one who did not join in when they said "no" 😉

Multiple family members have assumed that I don't find other black people attractive and that I idolise white people, partly because Africans tend to think stereotypically, in colonial terms and partly because we never have candid conversations about sexuality (what with me being LGBT and everything). As it happens I'm usually more physically attracted to people of colour, all things being equal and am helplessly contemptuous towards gay men of colour who only care for white men. I don't think there is much self respect in that. The other half of me feels that we cannot moralize people on who they are attracted to, as religious types are constantly doing this to LGBT persons, which we can all agree shows very poor judgement and a lack of common sense. While Matthew is attractive I'm much more drawn to Sachin who is hot af.

This conversation needs to be had, not only among gay whites and blacks, but more among straights, and even blacks who don't want to date within their own race.

I am a black dude and I am gay and I love white guys so I don’t think of racism unless it’s presented to me other than that racism don’t exist love do and I love white guys my love for white guys ate real

This conversation is 7 years old and is very topical right now with everything going on

Also how about not using platforms where men have that stance . This is why I don’t use gay dating apps/hook up apps . Most of it could be inherit to sexual gratification. If you can’t speak to me in public spaces / express interest in public . I don’t want it

Simply treat every person as you want to be treated. That is colorless and sexless. People is just people.

WOW this was so amazing to watch! I wish it was a it longer! Thank you Matt!

I'm actually the same as the people they criticise only that I'm a person of color and I'm not into whites.

Love the message! You should def do more of this material Matthew. Thanks for a refreshing glass of water!

I loved everyone in the video except that white dude in the middle...

Why is it not racist when a white guy says he's only into black men, or he's primarily attracted to Latinos? Well, it isn't racist because it's his PREFERENCE! People like what they like, and everyone is entitled to discernment! Just because you're not what someone finds attractive does not give you the right to point the finger, and call that person prejudice! Yes, it is a douchebag move to say you're not into a guy, and have to add it's because of his race. Shame in those people! Why waste your time on a jerk like that anyway, or give any further thought! Instead of bantering over negative people, focus on the ones who do like you for who you are!

I just so happened to come across this. Let me tell you how disconnected this was: (1) In order to understand gay racism, you have to CONFRONT it and let's face it, no white gay man is going to do that when he KNOWS that he is the "desired" one, (2) Gay history has to play a part and there was no explanation or expansion on the black or minority gay people that made it possible for gay people to enjoy the life that they currently lead (3) the gay community is mostly made up of individuals that do not want to include gay people of color and this can include: jobs, communities, etc..Who gives a damn about "preferences" when we all know that it's another covert way of gay white men being racist. Please don't get me started on the queeny Asian one. We all know that most Asians would sell their souls for white men. Don't we? Don't get me started on the other queens who come across as nothing more than snow queens! Matthew Dempsey: It must be nice to be on the side that doesn't have to worry about true racism. You can host all of the "dinner parties" that you want but you know that you will go back to your WHITE lover in your WHITE house in your WHITE neighborhood. Suggestion: gay people of color to separate and form their own communities and way of life independent of white gay culture.

Let it be known the Asian dude played a role in the show "Switched At Birth" as a gay Asian man who has "lusted & longed" for a white mans approval. Isn't that racist in itself?

We're ultimately all human beings who want to feel loved and accepted. I'm open to relationships with people of all different backgrounds, because I don't feel that race or ethnicity determines anything about a person's worth or potential as a suitable partner. It's your actions, the way you hold yourself, the way you speak to others, and how you treat those around you. That's the test of a person, not what they look like or where they come from. It's simple.

It’s too late for our generation ....it’s the media that needs to change as people are so impressionable from what they see. The media dictates what is hot and what is pretty. As a psychology major I can assure you that we are not born with a “type” it is molded for us by our environment and experiences. The media needs to Show people of color as being HOT in roles on TV and magazines” and it will mold the next generation that comes in....by the age of 14 we are already molded and it’s too late otherwise. Just the facts.

I have a disagreement with a white guy i've been dating, his response "you should be grateful that i as a white man choose to be around you, do you know how many white men choose not to associate with poc".

i loved the video! it's just like chelsea handler's dinner episodes

I have one thing that i look for first: Whether we get along before anything else