so fucking relatable i lost my memory about things that happened two recent years after something bad happened. i became different. looking in the mirror is scary, seeing scars is scary. i dye my hair everytime something changes (now i got red btw, and it looks pretty). but recently i noticed that i'm not alone. seems like the past me knocks out of me saying words i don't want to say. if you ask me the same question twice with an interval of some time, I will answer completely different each of them. my art style changes every time a new canvas appears. i do not own my opinion at the same time having almost all of them at once. i do not exist and there is a lot of "me's" exists at the same time.
That's Lunacy. Sometimes they'll spout out the most incomprehensible string of words possible, like how we are incarnations of god, and mumbling the word 'rabbits' repeatedly in different, non-human accents. Sometimes they're nice. On your bad days they'll be the parent you hoped to have had. Just them existing gives you permission, somehow, to rest and just be. On your good days they'll sit quietly, in that unnerving way they always do; upside down, lovingly cradling a (Human? Animal? Your own?) bleeding heart in their hands, rocking it to sleep. Be nice to Lunacy. If you're lucky and they feel like it, they'll put cheese sticks and pretty leaves under your bed, and swat away bad dreams.
I'm always feeling totally unreal and dissociated. When my head is not totally fucking empty, I get these horrible intrusive thoughts. Like, I'll be driving and my brain will just- what if we drove off the road? like, right now, what if you didn't turn and just kept driving? other times, when I'm walking across the street it's just- stop walking. right now. stop walking and let the cars run you over. or yk, my favorite- you could kill everyone in this room rn. and even more- you could cut off your fingers. do it, cut them off. like, wtf brain. I'd rather derealize than deal with this shit. idk sorry for the rant, this playlist just gives off 'my brain is fucked up!' vibes yk yk
Oop you might need to go to therapy . I hear sum depressed kids say they want to kill everyone in the room right now out loud and I'm like "..." But at least you think it's wrong and I hope you get over this
I've always had those random scary moments where i started to mentally panic, thinking about how i'm possibly not real. What if my real self is in a coma and i just made my whole life up in my head and one day ill wake up and be a completely differnet person? Sometimes i scare myself thinking too deeply about if this is all a simulation, i don't know my real personality and its honestly frightening at times and i just pick and choose things from peoples personalities i've stolen because i don't know what i like, want, or what to feel at times. Sometimes i don't remember im a person at all like im a ghost or someone's imaginary person that they struggle to pick a personality for. I feel as if past me is slowly leaving piece by piece and now me is leaving soon enough to move onto future me, i feel like there's different versions of me.
Omg same, i relate to this. I sometimes scare myself of how deeply i think about things. Ive been told 'wow you think really deeply about things'. I thought i was the only one.
я просыпаюсь и думаю. для чего я проснулась , если знаю что я ничего не стою. я разочаровываю всех , кто бы не попался мне. я смотрю в зеркало , но то , что в зеркале не я. я не знаю кто это. я не знаю кто я. я хочу это выяснить , но боюсь что окончательно провалюсь. куда я упаду. неизвестность. она пугает и утомляет. я так хочу вернуться в беззаботное детство где мне 5 лет. я так не хочу этого. я не вижу своего будущего. я не вижу в будущем себя , не то что кого то рядом.
This is the type of music that listens to you while you listen to it. So, where do you begin and where does the music end? That is where I want to live with someone else who loves this invisible unknown distinction within themselves, myself and the music. Thank you for sharing this with all of us. Your taste is excellent and the order is also I am missing a word for this thought, the ordering seemed thoughtful and intentional.
**songs here** I have to write something but I don't know how to describe my feelings. I got a lot of hate in my last video because I used "traumacore" in the title. Yes, I know, trauma isn't an aesthetic, but sometimes music like that can help you to understand yourself or just relax. If you feel bad, you can write about it in the comments. I'm willing to talk to you if it makes you happier. I've seen a lot of people go through the pain, so maybe you'll feel better if you talk it out. I love you all ♡ (my English is bad, sorry) picture: pin.it/6zvLYCm picture without effects: pin.it/5wustyi |00:00 - 04:50| mareux - underground |04:50 - 08:15| crystal castles - transgender// slowed + reverb |08:15 - 11:35| zheani - melt away |11:35 - 14:11| ezekiel help_urself// slowed + reverb |14:11 - 17:32| crim3s - lost// slowed + reverb |17:32 - 21:07| pathetic - escalator |21:07 - 26:53| plenka - wearout// slowed |26:53 - 29:00| mareux - the perfect girl// slowed, instrumental |29:00 - 32:39| plenka - deep memory |32:39 - 38:23| molina - hey kids// slowed + reverb, instrumental
you know this playlist sounds less like us trying find out who/what someone is, it actually sounds more like that something is asking us, "who are we?" and I think that's cool!!
it actually scares me realising what I’m becoming because I’m not sure why or how it’s happening. I’ve always known there’s something wrong with me but now it’s getting worse, I’m loosing everybody, in alone again, I’m stuck with online boys to give me the slightest bit of hope, I’m getting help it’s doing nothing, I’m not getting better I don’t get better I’m not like anybody else my age, nobody’s listening to me even when I’m crying for help, I’m just the rude girl the one who can’t keep friendships, the one that wants to be alone all the time, and all I want is somebody to understand me, but nobody can understand if i can’t understand myself. I’m young but I feel older, so little time has passed in my life yet it feels like it’s been to long, the thoughts are always in my head, “what if you just ran away?” , “what if you just died right now?” . I’m tired and I’m loosing patients. I really don’t know who I am, who I wanna be, or what I wanna be. I’m a failure waiting to happen, I’m a disappoint, I’m just so stuck and it feels like I can’t move. My life is falling apart, there’s nothing I can say or do to stop it, I’m just watching my life get broken apart. I don’t feel like I care anymore but as soon as I think deep enough I realise I’m such a damaged person and I don’t understand why, my life isn’t that bad I ruin things myself. I wouldn’t blame my family bevause I have a loving and caring family, but sometimes the way they treat and compare me affects me a lot. I’m so misunderstood and seen as the bad one, I know I’m a good person i just need to find myself.
I hear ya, the only thing that helps is to get high so don't you feel anything . I mean isn't it better than hurting all the times? I too seem be losing a part of humanity and really care I'm losing it. Every day that goes by I get more apathetic and nihlistic. People like us are just sad and hopeless by nature, i say we embrace who we are and the unique pov that can be to people that endlessly to present and convince themselves that happiness is the only worth while emotion.
Just sharing a thought that's been in my head for a long time. Whenever I sleep and dream I know I'm dreaming, but for some reason I forget it when I'm dreaming, it's like the dream is my reality when I'm dreaming (I think that's what dreams are though lol) But there are a few times when I know I'm dreaming but it seems like I'm not in control of my own dream. Oh well... Science can explain it 🙃
Who am I? I am Lorette. However I’m not Lorette. I’m only referred to as Lorette. I am his. I am groomed. I am his, His body, His toy, Toy. Doll. Dress up, Undress, Help, I am his, I love him, Im so afraid, Im terrified even. I can’t escape him, His hands are still on me.
What a wondrous playlist, all the music is exactly what I would have selected for myself to listen too. We all bear the scars of our past in one form or another, but the key is to wear them with pride and confidence. This is what life is all about, because you can view yourself as a victim of circumstance; however, you can change your perspective and draw a new type of strength from those same scars. How do I know this? ― Because, I've done it before by reinventing myself, many times over. The only pressure I place on myself is that I remain a 'good person'. Thank you to "Scars of my Soul" .......!!!!
I guess I have the time for it. I am not anymore man. I am not anyone, not with anyone, do not belong to any group. There is not one person I talk to. It gets worse every day, and it furthers me down this insanity I have held within me since I dawned onto this earth. I have failed time and time again. There is nobody that can save me from it all. From losing everyone, to poisoning myself, to scraping the skin off me, there's been little. I don't have a soul. As to why that's the case... It's because I don't deserve any of it. Simple. But at the same time I wonder why this world does not give me a break, a routine, or something to free myself for even a day. The reason is unfortunate, because those that run the world hate me. And with a fiery passion. They've taken away everything, and I can only regret myself.
I had a dream it was a zombie apocalypse and I was an attractive young woman who had a ton of these weird men all up on her and it was lucid too and i could control my breathing ajd my movement. it was one of the rare lucid dreams where It felt extremely real. Like, you know how you're awake and moving and talking now? It felt like that. I thought i really was awake. And there was this one guy who i was apparently with and he looks so much like my bf but so different?????????? Idk but he lived next door. He helped me out of a building that was being raided by these fuckin crazy people. I was trying to make my own group and the crazy people killed most of them off. I was gonna be a survival leader :( fuckers ruined it. You know reality checks? I've been doing those alot and I always try to see if I can do something irl what I'd want to do in a dream. I tried to make something happen but I couldn't. So I was convinced this was real. I was too focused on surviving and getting to know this dude who saved me. Even though the dream also had some weirdcore elements like eyes in the sky. I thought this was how I was gonna live now. I thought this was legit. Like i felt how i feel now. With movements, breathing. I was in such a deep slumber, I couldn't wake up. I didn't even try to wake up. I felt alive there. Like literally alive. While I felt dead before I fell asleep here. Last night I was having an "episode" where I felt nothing but empty and hollow and it physically hurt when I tried to force myself out of it. I let it linger, but I was forcing myself to talk to other people. I felt so dead here, and when I fell asleep and had that dream, I felt so alive. Its funny. I feel better now though. It was scary but pretty cool. Right now I feel fine-ish, but I'm still struggling. Your videos have been helping me. The "you're not real" playlist has been in my playlists on loop for the past week lmao. Thank you.
I sometimes forget where I am and who I am, well not totally who I am but I just forget what happened but when I remember I just idk wish I wasn’t so confused of what my mental state was
Sometimes at night when I’m awake I get a paralysis like fear for basically no reason and have a heavy paranoia of being watched at the corner of my room, bed, desk or whatever and I just snap out of it for whatever reason, maybe it’s because whenever I look away and hide it feels better? Idk I’m just not okay
(!! Before you read this I just want to remind you of TW intrusive thoughts ect!!) have a lot of friends. I should be happy but I'm just not. My parents are alcoholics and it's not like they've ever done anything to me but. I feel like I never try hard enough. Ever. I'm failing all of my grades. None of my friends talk to me out of school it's like I'm a ghost. I'm so tired. And I can't find love anywhere either. I've been rejected 6 times this year. And anytime I try to talk to my mom about being afraid I won't make it until highschool she says it's my fault and that if I get held back it's because I didn't do my part but I have no motivation to keep going in my studies and I'm still lonely. I have terrible intrusive thoughts too and I'm worried I might actually go through with them. This includes stuff as bad as burning my own house down. It's like a mental battle. Maybe I'm being too all over the place with my words but I'm serious. I can't help being negative and I don't think I can keep up this act much longer.
warning! read with a guarded mind please make sure you expect to read some BAD stuff I'm not pulling punches and i am sorry for the dump for emotions below please skip if you don't want to read or if you aren't in the right frame of mind anyway... here it goes . . . yesterday i had the day off of work so i slept until 3am woke up looked at the time on my phone. Then went back to sleep and had this strange dream where i knew all these people i'd never seen before and i knew them well by name relationship and out of a mouth that wasn't mine i heard this voice that wasn't mine but i knew it was? speak and create convos and was actually good... at small talk! after that i followed around "me" that clearly wasn't me 'cause i am female at birth and this person was male at birth and had light brown hair and blue eyes a twin sis and a missing sister that "i" and two of the sisters friends were looking for "my" sister...( irl a loner cis female only child who's adopted and a visual minority in place of residence) the last thing i saw in that dream was "my" mother slice me in the back and the dad filling "me" up with stones asking "how many more honey?" That's when i woke up for the second time or so i thought i had I ended up just switching families in my current dream so instead of the murder parents, the fraternal twin, and missing sister fam i was in one of the missing sisters friends perspective like third viewing it not like "spectator" but from a few paces behind said person looking at their head from the back but in the air? but anyways more shit happend and i looked up what the dream was trying to tell me and baisically I need therepy(sp? sorry) and a lot of support and just life help because this just ain't it chief.. :[
It symbolizes not an escape, rather the hatred I am engulfed in and the awful position of my current psyche. I fucking hate this town. I need to leave. I am going to leave. That is why I work every fucking day to get out of this hellscape.
A hatred of similar between many people, even such long times ago. Revenge isn’t a dish to serve cold to anyone when alone in a empty space but that of why you are in the space in the first place would make you wish you are able to leave and continue to make more hatred and resentment for the same place, the same few walls corroding slowly over weeks, months, years. I can’t wait to leave and see other things then my own walls that in confined to. CPS sucks everywhere
я устала, просто устала. уже не хочется никакого тепла, не хочется никого и ничего, я подумываю о том, чтобы бросить всех, сменить номер и полностью отгородиться от всех своих близких и знакомых. я не знаю, что мне делать, не знаю как сделать себе лучше, я запуталась, потерялась и не думаю, что кто-нибудь сможет мне помочь с этим.
I know it doesn't feel like it but you'll get through it. I know I did and you can to It does get better You'll keep growing as a person, learn to find your own balance and bits of happiness, be kind to yourself and take care or yourself, surround yourself with the right kind of people and so on Doesn't mean that everyday will be easy but that's true for everyone
Happy late birthday. I just turned 17 and i feel like my whole life is just going away and my teenage years are wasting away. I think alot about how i wish i could just sleep forever and not wake up. Or lucid dream and go on so many adventures and that can be my life.
That's w big issue in my timeline. Lots of sleepwalkers not taking anything seriously said by the ones talking to them about the state of our world. Blatantly ignoring facts and data and evidence. They seem awake, because of the open eyes but they are describing a different world only the other ones who can't see our data and evidence. There was an episode of star trek like this. In one place the crew of the Enterprise was asleep and in another place the bad guy ships crew was awake. What are people like when you are asleep over there? Maybe we are on a different timeline or it could be parallel?
rly liking the amount of russian listeniners of this type and similiar type of songs, i can finally utilize my russian to read the comments and lyrics like Pathetics music
I love your…. I love your smile I love your laugh I love your hair I love your eyes I love your personality I love your feeling I love your scars I love your cry I love your height I love your mental health I love your weight I love your sass I love your voice I love your walk I love your typing skills I love your insecurities I love your nose I love your mouth I love your hips I love your jaw I love your legs I love your thighs I love your feet I love your hand I JUST LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i mostly will understand some problems like pass away's,words,shaming,fake friends,pets dying,losing a friend in the most hurtful way,body shame,talked behind my back,bully,scratching until i get scars,hurtful words,divorced then getting back together and losing people as you walk. so no hate i feel broken i need better friends haha just like this:)
Why do people don’t trust my Tounge, I’m a sickness… some people don’t get infected, except me.. I’m tired of being sickness like irl, wish I get it healthy more… 😢
