"the first to betray was a god, my creator, my mother" "The sad thing about betrayal is that it never comes from your enemy" "They didnt even say sorry"
Ah, I see the Genshin refrence there. I see you are a person of culture aswell. But fr, are you okay? Do you need some virtual hugs or cookies? Here, have some, friend: 🍪🍪
crazy to think the internet ruined us but also fixed us in a sense. Like it gives these horrific experiences but then in the same token we find friends and allies to support us and get through.
Love it and hate it at the same time. Love it because there's people on here that understand and hate it for it being one of the reasons of my hypersexuality👍
i love... my brain was already way broken before going online.. in the internet i just found comfort.. sadly now its a thing that is normal. i wish internet was still something some nerds and niche communities used.
A little vent from me. All my childhood is summed up in one word: Violence. That was the only thing going on between my parents, it's terrifying for a kid who just couldn't do anything but cry and beg them to stop. Even getting to see my mother with her face covered in blood from my father's blows, I was about 9/10 years old at the time. Not only that, I suffered from bullying at school and a family member sexually abused me several times when I was 4 years old. Innocently I told my mother, from that moment I never saw him again. Returning to the subject of my parents, they separated when I was 11 years old. I am currently 16 and everything was better for me.
i think its safe enough to vent here. i hope. (mentions of SH, SA, psychical abuse and r8pe) long ago when i was seven i was first and finally introduced to my mother's boyfriend's children , and back then i was a complete extrovert, happy to interact i will not specify names, but one of those children (17M) began to gr00m me online, and even forced me to watch sexual acts that i shouldnt have seen. he then *tried* to do those sexual acts with me, and sadly succeeded in doing so. i had ran up to my room (when he finished) and cried in pain, due to how hard they did it. the next day i wanted to tell my parents but i was too afraid to. timeskip to when i am ten, i still didnt tell anyone. I ended up turning anxious around males specifically (i was scared it would happen again) and even avoided the males at a point. My parents thought i was crazy, and started throwing insults and rude comments at me if i dont get my act up together, like they'd say "Why are you acting so weird?" or "Do you wanna spend the rest of your time in a mental hospital?" or even "Are you even human??" . MY parents pulls it off as a joke, and i hated it. timeskip (again) to when i am twelve. I finally told my parents about it, and they tried to help me by talking about it. I told them repeatedly i didnt wanna talk about it, to the point where they'd beat me to tears and then bring me to the therapist, which; everytime i would stay silent and sniffling. my grades dropped and i started eating less. i wanted to hurt myself there but i was afraid of blades, so i would instead bite and tear my skin off in pained anger. I wouldnt even take care of myself, like hygiene. (taking showers, brushing my teeth or just hygiene in general) And you know what my parents did instead of finding the right help? They abused me, hitting, scratching, burning, punching , and kicking at me whenever i acted "weird" (that was their term for my mental actions) I would wet my pillows and blankets with tears everytime i flashback to what happened to me. my anxiety worsened and they would ask why i dont wanna talk to people (which was stupid) now im fifteen, and i am still receiving the same abuse. except, it just seems to get worser. i keep getting bodyshamed by my parents for being skinny, and once they wanted to see my handwriting i wrote how i normally do (which is readable and neat) but they said: "You could have done better." I am tired of being told that I could do better when i am already good enough And because of these terrible parents, i have anxiety, depression, PTSD, and a eating disorder. Even my own sibling contributes to my trauma. (I am now fifteen, and trying to get the help i need) (thank you for reading, you.)
I am so sorry you went through this, I'm around the same age as you and it hurts to think this had happened to you. I'm glad you're getting the help you need ❤ Best of wishes to you.
I'm so sorry, absolutely sickens me anyone would do such a thing and how your parents could be so dismissive I hope you heal and life a good life you deserve it ❤
just gonna leave my baggage here if anyone minds. edit: additional details and re-wording. I wouldn't, per say, say my trauma is as major as most others, and I wellfully admit that my environment growing up was _usually_ safe, and I had unregulated, unrestricted access to the internet. Good or for worse. Everything I saw through that screen impacted me. Porn, to the gorey abuse of animals on RU-vid _(such as "Kitten Inside Of A Blender" or "Dog gets leg cut off" and "Watching axolotls regenerate!!")_ As well as like, the hatefulness and bigotry in things like comment sections and reply threads. I was "mature for my age", and I can only wonder what I would be like without the the internet's double-edged sword. Many things I enjoy i wouldn't have found without internet, but I always wonder if it was worth what I saw to find them. You decide; and remember, stay safe out there.
Yeah, my trauma is kind of like that too I hope you’ll get better soon. To any parent here if you are for the love of the spaghetti monster don’t give your kid the internet
I remember seeing awful things on the internet when I was younger. I was forced by my brother or dad to watch it. What you see when your younger can really effect you for the rest of your life
I can relate actually, although I wasn't affected by my loved ones, I had a perfect life, the only thing that fucked me up was the things on the internet, plus I am a very curious and nosy person, I know well that the things I see are under my control mostly yet I choose to watch even though I know its gonna scare me, it does take a while to heal from what you've seen, depending on what you have seen in the first place.
Timestamps!! Sorry, there was a few I didn't know... :( 0:00 ,, Rises The Moon (Piano) 1:31 ,, ??? 3:24 ,, Baby Hotline 8:59 ,, Treehouse 12:15 ,, ??? 13:22 ,, Run Rabbit Run 16:48 ,, Not Allowed Hello! To all of you trauma survivors (I am also a trauma survivor..(???)), it's going to be okay, I promise. You're doing great. You're amazing and important people and you are loved and if you need to vent/rant, I'm always open to listen.. I am honestly terrible at comforting but I will try my best to listen and be here for you!! :,) Also, please, keep in mind traumacore is NOT an aesthetic, it's a coping mechanism. Also, great playlist! Def needs more views!! I love you all!! ❤️
I saw other people sharing their stories so I am going to share my story When I was growing up my dad was never around, and my mum was always asleep and my older brother who is 4 years older than me always took care of me. My mum would never drive me to kindergarten and the only time I got attention from mum was when I did things wrong, so I would hurt other kids in kindergarten so my mum would talk to me. We almost never ate cooked dinner, and some days I'd just eat so little that I'd fall asleep starving. My older brother had a friend who would touch me, and he once said he wanted to do something new with me and something fun, back then I used to have a crush on him, he took me to my bedroom and that day I was raped. One day my dad came and took us from mum, I don't remember much then, but he had a girlfriend back then who worked in the kindergarten, and in kindergarten then, the only times I'd feel better if I was with my old best friend. I was also taken to a small house by the kindergarten where I would talk to teachers about how I felt because I was much different from the other kids. I started trusting people when I was in 1st grade again, I made good friends, I had a friend who was really nice to me. But I always got bullied by her friend so I stopped being friends with her. I was bullied through 1st grade til 3rd grade. I started being angry again, I always felt so angry, but I never took it out on someone. When I was in 4th grade I was told what was wrong with my mum and dad. My mum was a drug addict and my dad was a drug addict too, and I lived with my grandparents. I've went through hard times, when I was 9 years old I figured out I was trans. Now I'm 14 years old, I'm still going through hard times, I still have to live with things that had happened to me, I'm on medication. Its true what everyone says, it'll all get better soon. Even though you would feel bad for years, for me it was since I was 4 years old til I was 13, and still now, there's still someone out there for you. You're not alone, its okay to ask for help.
@@slayhorse614 I just saw your message.. I hope you're okay, I hope that you have/can talk to someone about it. Its never your fault that someone abused you like that
I’m so sorry that you had to go through this especially at such a young age, I really do hope you can continue to grow and heal over time. And it makes me a little happier to know you are getting the help you deserve, I hope your future is a lot better.
@@katelynn20028 often a lot of children can start finding there own identity at the age of 4 years old. Such as what they like, what they don’t, and how they express themselves. So for someone to know that they are trans at the age of nine wouldn’t be so far fetched. But I can do some more research on it if you’d like
baby, everything will be okay soon, i promise!! i love u, and i'll always be here for u even if i don't know u. just remember, that u're great, beautiful, smart, intelligent and just wonderful person💗
Same. Its like barely enough to count as trauma but if anyone else went trough it id think theyre traumatized bht for me i cant really see it cause its just bullying and dealing with illness
Story time, a little less heavy than the ones here My dad used to hit me a lot as a kid. I don’t remember all of it but he made me bleed for crying in a prek. He told me I was too old to be crying that much at 4 years old. My mom told me that she’d choose to have my brother as her child but she wouldn’t choose me. My dad was only interested in my brother because he’s a boy. I developed an unhealthy obsession with imitating my brother which pissed them off even more. My dad didn’t talk to me much unless it was to discipline me. My mom told me to tell her whenever it happened, but obviously that didn’t do anything. My parents fought a lot. I lost hope when my dad screamed at my mom to shut up and she actually complied. I know she got hit a lot too but tried to hide it. My anxiety was so bad that I used to scratch my arms until they bled. My parents found out and I lied and said I did it for attention. My dad got pissed that I was clearly depressed and he quickly found out that you can’t beat depression and suicidal tendencies out of a child, so he began to change and be nicer. Last time he hit me was 8th grade. I’m in 12th now. Shit still sucks here but it’s not that bad. My parents relationship is shit, but better than before.
I hope you can find comfort in these times of pain. You need it. I’m sorry for what happened and I hope you find someone who supports you in your times of dread. I hope you’re having a nice day today
Vent… TW When I was little I was never really able to cry to express my feelings without being yelled at. I use to get spanked for crying and stuff. I started holding in my feelings and bottling them up. I have done that ever since a young age. When I got older something bad happened to me. My moms side of the family got into a bad argument. My aunt has Bpd and mental illness runs in the family. I was in the room when it happened. My aunt started calling me names and stuff like “crybaby” and “a big baby” my older cousin took me outside, but we could still hear it from outside. I just bottled all my tears in. The police got in involved and it was terrifying. My aunt since then has yelled at us a few times ever since then. My older cousin has also tried to take pictures of me naked before. (Not the one that took me outside during the argument) ever since then I have had flashbacks and stuff.. I have been in a mental hospital 4 times recently and have been diagnosed with autism, adhd, depression, and anxiety. I have also been struggling with sh. I am trying my best to get better!
Trying your best is all you can do i know its hard but you can do it I promise and im so proud of you for waking up in the morning even if you do nothing else just waking up and getting out of bed is amazing keep going you can do it
So much about unsupervised internet access, including me too. parents, please, for the love of god, watch your kids so they don’t turn out scared and angry at the world.
Just remember, I'm proud of you for sharing your feelings some people have been forced to bottle up or have the feeling everyone hates them. That could eventually turn into self hate, remind the people you hold dear to you that you're always there if they need to talk and that it's a safe place. 💖💓 *I'm proud of you* ;)
I guess I’m gonna leave a vent here, I don’t really have anyone else to tell rn. I remember my earliest memories with my mom and her second boyfriend, I thought we were doing fine and were happy. However, turns out her boyfriend at the time was doing a lot of heavy drugs. We left the first time he hit my mom. I wasn’t told this until years down the line. We moved in with my grandma, but we were very poor, and we lived in a mild hoarders house. With rat poop all over the place. And cat and dog fluids. I was excluded from all the other kids, I guess they just didn’t want to talk to me. Causing me to have a lot of social issues. I remember being a very curious child, however my mom didn’t have the patience to deal with the questions, and would just shut me down. Telling me to stop asking about things. It really hurt me, because I was just curious, it caused me to stop asking about anything. I had a really hard time asking people for help, even at school, if I needed help I would just sit there panicking. My biological father wasn’t in my life, still isn’t (but now it’s by choice) I used to watch all the kids play with their parents at the teacher parent conference, and my mom was to busy to attend, I would often cry because I felt so alone, I felt that they didn’t really care to show even though that might not be the case it still hurt. So the teachers used to pair me with other kids and their parents but that was really awkward to me. When I was around 5-9 years old, I started wondering where my dad was, and one time I even asked my mom, and she just started going off about how much off a piece of shit he was how he cheated on my mom, how he was a man whore and an alcoholic. As she was telling me this I was bawling my eyes out, and she kept a going. My mom ended up getting with her now husband and I just had a weird feeling about him. Things were alright for a bit, we moved out of my grandmas place, and into another old broken down house (it was an abandoned military house, that my mom’s husband “fixed” up.) wasn’t to bad though. After awhile things started to slowly change though, he would often make jokes on behalf of other people. And it bothered my mom. And they used to joke fight, but what jokes turned into jabs at each other. And then they started arguing. I developed a chronic diseases at the age of 11ish. My whole right side of my jaw and collarbone would flair up, and I had a really hard time eating and doing simple tasks. It was so bad, everyday of my life after that was filled with nothing but pain and misery, it got to the point to where I hated waking up because I knew that when I got up I was going to be In pain again. My “stepdad” started to make little jokes about my Illness. And then my mom would start arguing with him. After that, after every argument they had I always found ways to blame myself for it. I felt like I destroyed my family. My bio dad tried to enter my life, but we would always need up fighting whenever we hung out. He used to blame me for stuff, like how when he tried to spoil me to keep me with him, he told me that I was just a spoiled brat, but I hated how much money he was spending on me. I felt like such a burden wherever I went. I started having breakdowns In school, to the point where one of my teachers had enough of me and brought me to the councilors office in I think 4th or 5th grade.
After a while my mom stopped saying anything to her husband because he never changed. So I started sticking up for everyone, telling him things that bugged us. And we would start arguing, and he would always find some sort of excuse, and if that didn’t work he would blame others. One time all of my family had a huge argument, and he said something that hurt me a lot, he said that he didn’t believe I didn’t have a “bad life,” I guess because I wasn’t physically abused. I felt so angry, because he was there when I had chronic flare ups, I used to cry so loud begging my mom to help me, to take the pain away, every day the pain went from 1 to 100 as soon as I got up. I cried for my mom to take the pain away, and sometimes she wouldn’t come for a little under an hour, I used to think it was because she didn’t care, but now I know it was because she had to build up her strength to deal with the situation. So when he said that I didn’t have a “bad childhood” I honestly was about to get violent with him, I didn’t though, I did start yelling at him. It proved to me how he didn’t truly care to pay any attention to us, how he was so focused on himself he forgot about everyone else’s problems. It hurt so much. But I don’t care about him my brain just blocks him out now. We don’t talk all that much unless I need to tell him something. Even then I hate talking to him.
@@Pluviophile_diaphanous thank you, I am. I started going to therapy awhile ago and even got medicated. Since then the battle has been significantly reduced. I hope you are doing okay as well! Have a great day
Every ones trauma and situations are valid. It doesn’t matter if it’s a big deal or not if it’s hurting you or hurt you it’s something and it’s valid. Take care, babe and I hope you’re doing well.
whether your oxygen tank is punctured or you're forced under the current or you don't make it to the surface in time, you drown there is no honest suffering that is invalid
When I was little I was so... Happy, and bubbly, and sweet.... That little girl died so long ago... I miss her... She could light up the room with just a smile... I want her back... So bad... I wanna be her... I miss her I miss her I miss her!! I want my old self back so badly... I didn't do anything wrong... Please...
Does anyone else ever just want to stop? Like- not die, or disappear… well, kinda disappear, but more like, have someone new take control of your body without anyone noticing and just check in every now and then as they fix up all of the shitty mistakes you’ve made, make friends, get a good job, buy a nice house, be free. Because as nice as that sounds, I don’t want to deal with any of that, I don’t want stress, I don’t want pain, and I don’t want to talk to people, I don’t want freedom, It’s to much for me. I want to watch as someone does it all in a seemingly effortless manner and continues on like it was no big deal, like that’s just what they were *made* to do. I want to cheer them on all well never being acknowledged. I want to be in the background without being there. Hey, now that I think about it, that’s probably why I love watching anime so much lol….
I understand you... Not like other people, we like being background characters... I can see why you want that. I wish it could happen that to me in school... I'm sick of it. Sick of people telling me how to be or not. Well, I hope one day we get to have our background characters anime life...
To those with a complicated living situation, facing verbal/physical/mental abuse. This is my story… 2 parent M&F household 3 siblings: 26M, 23M, 21F, me 19F I remember the first time I was physically harmed was when I was 4 years old. It was for not sweeping the floor, maybe lying about where, whatever answer I gave was unsatisfactory to the point a 4 yr old child deserved to be thrown across the floor into the wall. Events like these continued to proceed throughout my life there. (I lived with reminders of these events like blood splatter, dents, scars.) Progressively getting worse until I called the suicide hotline in 7th grade. Which led to me living in a foster home for around 2 weeks, it only ended bc of a phone call from my mom, to tell me to lie to the social worker and say I did it myself-not to tell me they love me. Some of the worse events were watching my siblings and mother experience violence sitting next to me, getting knocked out of their seat, crawling on the floor begging him to stop. A lot of our bonding time was attributed to my fathers wrath, meaning we cleaned up our destroyed belongings, furniture, etc, as well as cleaned up eachothers bloody noses, scrapes, bruises, all which were common. My two brothers and mother have gotten arm and leg bones broken. Like I said after I “called the police on them” (called SuicideHotline) the violence became less frequent. I remember 16-18 it was stern discussions for the most part, other than hearing my mothers screams every weekend. The most shocking event was when my sister was staying home from college and said things to my father that offended him. He beat her to the point where she couldn’t stand, she kept falling in and out of consciousness. I was tasked with getting her ice and whatnot when she definitely needed a hospital. Then halfway through my senior year I noticed how aggressive and unreasonably mad he got at something about his bathroom. I was scared. I didn’t want what happens to my sister to happen to me. I packed my belongings while he was out. My mom caught me as I was leaving. I spent the remainder of my hs senior year at a run down home. Completely different than my you get beat if you don’t clean home. Shock. But that didn’t matter to me because I was able to sleep without fear of my life for the first time. I believe I can figure things out. I believe I will accomplish what my past self never even dreamt of. You can do it. You can survive. You are strong. Believe it.
Vent When I was 5 or 7 I my dad would always drink and abuse my mom and brother and I when they weren’t around he would touch me and beat me afterwards and I still remember going to school feeling disgusted and I would feel like it was my fault this went on for years until my parents divorced and my dad changed I’m glade he changed but I still can’t forgive him for what he did even though he tried to make it up to me and my brother but I just can’t I’m still scared of him and I haven’t told my mom or brother until my mom found my razor in my room I still didn’t tell her what happened or why I had a razor in my room and I always blame my cat for the cuts on my arms and legs I’m 16 now but I have nightmares of my past of what my dad did sometimes I don’t even sleep because of the nightmares I have every night and I figured out I had ptsd my boyfriend is trying to help me with my ptsd but sometimes I’m still feel like it was my fault for letting my dad touch me I know I was young and didn’t know what to do sometimes I still wish I could’ve done something to stop it before it continued Just to let anyone know who has been SA it never your fault and im sorry you had to go through it this world is curl and you are strong enough to continue I’m proud of you for being strong enough to keep going remember it never your fault
Im so sorry that this has happened to you, you truely didn't deserve any of that treatment, and quite frankly, no one does I hope you're doing ok now ❤
My mom wanted me to be skinny and tried to put me on a diet twice, and then called me a pig and a hippopotamus because I walked loudly. I love this playlist, it's kind of calm, but at the same time unsettling🐢
Thank you so much for this playlist.... I'm only two songs in but I already love that you put in good unpopular songs, it really calms me a down a lot..... You definitely deserve more likes!♡
I don't often comment on youtube videos, but I kind of feel obligated to share my story and it seems like this is a safe place ❤ When I was around 3 years old (my brother around 1/less than a year old), my biological mother and at the time step father started doing meth and possibly other drugs I don't remember a lot of what happened, but I heard and read stories of what happened in the years that I lived with them, including but not limited to: physcial abuse, neglect, and overall loneliness I ended up being tossed to my "step fathers" side of the family (specifically his father and the fathers wife) where i was manipulated, put down, and overall mentally abused constantly by the wife (I often just refer to her as my mom as thats what she is legally, but I do not view her as such) I was also put into homeschool where I suffered a lot socially (I probably have autisim, but the very little socialization didn't help) so I ended up trying to make friends online and along the way I was hevuly groomed I didn't know any better as it felt like possitive attention, I just wanted people who I could talk to... I now suffer from hypersexuality and Borderline personality disorder (not dignosed, but the moment I have heard about it, it heavily resonated with me and I check off every criteria from the DSM-5) I also figured out I'm pansexual from a very early age (also nonbinary and demisexual) but I live in a very conservative household, basically all of my adopted family are bible thumpers and trump supporters so I felt unsafe coming out and always felt like if I did, I would of been kicked out For a majority of this, I would sh as I felt like it was my only escape and that I derserved it My last 2 years of highschool I went to a public school and succeeded far beyond what people expected, kind of myself as well Im currently attending University and made the deans list, I got scholarships, and Im overall so much happier after living on campus and I finally feel free I talk to my mother a lot more and actually have a relationship with her now (she's both a friend and my family) as she's doing much and has been sober for around 2 years I beleive I have also gotten tattoos over a lot of my scars and Im finally seeing myself in a more positive light and actually taking the time to love myself While I know I can never change what happened, I can at least make my own future and fight for my place in this world I still have days where everything hurts, but it's still so much better than before I feel at peace and I'm sure I'll get better as the years go on I know I'll still have moments, but Ill be ok now
@@condurpatricia I've left a lot of things out as I'm still learning my own life, but I'm using my negative experiences of how I can be better Thank you
TW:VENT (english isn’t my first language and there might be some spelling mistakes) So, since everyone is sharing their stories and this feels like a safe place, I’ll vent too. I lived a pretty happy childhood, even though I struggled with ocd (I’ve never been diagnosed but I’m pretty sure I’ve always had it) ,was made fun of in elementary school and had non friends. These things didn’t bother me much anyway. When I turned 11 I started to hang out with some kids in the neighborhood and we became good friends, especially with this one girl, who ended up in middle school with me. Life was good, I was the happiest I’ve ever been, I was in my gacha and FNAF phase, i got good grades in school, i used to hang out every afternoon. Then the pandemic started and in my country there were Almost three months of lockdown. It didn’t bother me, I liked staying at home anyway. But when we could go out again, in the summer, everything changed for the worse. That girl, which was at the time my best friend, started hanging out without me and when I confronted her she turned the whole friend group against me. I started to hang out with a girl who just moved there and we became good friends, but because of what happened before I started to fall in a deep depression. It was already september and school started, but it wasn’t like before; most of the teachers I had the year before left and the new ones were really bad. My grades started to drop and for me, a “little miss perfect”, that was very hard to handle. In the meantime I started to realize I was bisexual and I was in love with a girl from elementary school, one of the few who didn’t bully me. But I had cut off contacts with everyone from elementary school and I was feeling so guilty about that and thought she hated me. We then started online school and I completely lost contact with reality. Then it was the night before Christmas Eve, I remember it vividly, and my mother said that lgbtq+ people should just burn in hell. I was shocked and disgusted, I knew my father was kinda homophobic, but I didn’t expect that from her. That was the darkest time of my life, I remember waking up so tired, just wanting to die or sleep forever, going to school, not talking to anyone or just arguing. Then I went home, did an enormous amount of homework, like ‘till even midnight, then my parents yelled at me for some reason, and when they were asleep I just put my headphones on and cried for hours, praying to die. I got 4 or 5 hours of sleep at night and I was always so tired; I begged my parents to take me to a therapist but for some reason they never wanted to. Some months after I became friends again with the girl who used to be my best friend, but it wasn’t the same. I started to hang out with her and my other friend, since our previous friend group fell apart, but they hated eachother and everything was always so messy between the three of us. My ex best friend had changed, she treated me like shit, used to “hit” me as a joke and always blamed me for preferring my other friend instead of her. Then summer came and our previous friend group started getting back together, my friend joined it. The summer was pretty well, but me and that girl were still always fighting and my mental health wasn’t the best. In semptber my only real friend moved far away and that was a hard loss.After school started my depression slowly started to fade away and my grades got better. I also became friend with two other girls from my class, but due to school stress and all the problems with that girl I developed severe anxiety. I had panic attacks day and night and my parents finally realized I needed help and offerendo to take me to a therapist, but for some reason I didn’t want to go anymore. It went away on its own after a week-ish or something. The school year was just boring and nothing much happened. Summer 2022 was actually pretty good, things between me and that girl started to get better because I started to rebell her “abuse” and she started to respect me more. I also fell in love with a girl from our friend group and was surprised to find out that she felt the same. In september I started Highschool and I don’t really have a lot of friends in my class and some people still make fun of me, but I’m friend with a girl and she’s helped me going through the whole school year. Now it’s summer and everything is pretty good, I have some friends and a year long relationship. My mental Health isn’t very fine, because my ocd is getting worse, I still get depressive days and I hate myself sometimes, as I have a low self-confindence. But I know everything will get better, I have my highs and lows, and a lot of hope. If you’re still reading I hope you have a good day and a wonderful life❤❤
hello, english is not my first language either but i will try my best to write something decent. I hope and you can get out of some things that keep happening to you, think that you are not alone even if a thousand people are against you at least there will be one who will be supporting you
I'm so sorry that you went through that, but I'm glad to know that you have hope in the future! Even thought the future is scary, I believe that you'll get through it! I hope that your mental health problems will recover!^^
Please don't... I'm not sure if you already did but if you didn't then I'm here... If your still there, I just want to let you know that your smile is very beautiful and never forget it. Always smile and continue to shine like gold ❤
What your experiencing is not how it has to end I promise, you can still live a good, happy fun life you deserve it, whatever you went through I'm so sorry I hope your still hear and I hope you heal ❤
A small vent! I saw others sharing so I decided to follow along. When I was younger my parents often left for work, leaving me and my siblings to stay over at my cousin’s. There, I was touched inappropriately by a close family friend. This happened for several months. I was around 9 years old and I didn’t understand much about this kind of sensual touch, I knew what it was due to my unsupervised internet access (like I previously mentioned, my parents were quite negligent when it came to the more obscene parts of my childhood) and I knew I was supposed to tell someone, but I never did. As my mental health grew to corrode, I started to starve myself. I can’t hug myself without being disgusted so I sleep with multiple blankets at a time. The internet definitely helped, but it also made it worse. It exposed me to things I wasn’t ready to see as a child. When I became 12 I thought I’d gotten better, but it turned out I just hyper-sexualized myself. I started to do that, to sexualize my body and cover it up with lies. I felt like I was somehow evil. As of currently, I have not reached the legal age of consent, but I am much older. I’ve reflected on my childhood days with regret but also with endearment. Not everything was bad in my eyes. Yes, I’ve come to acknowledge that I’m traumatized. I have trouble confiding with others, I can’t form relationships with simplicity anymore and I still get sick at the thought of freely consuming food. This playlist feels safe and this comment section is beautiful. I feel very pretty here. I also feel ugly, and I don’t hate it. It’s better than masking myself with a (tw) slutty image. I’m feeling very happy because of this playlist. I’m going to get better and I think I’m going to try to make friends. I love you all and whatever you’re going through, I know that you’ll pull through. Bye
I was just a little kid when i had this accident that took my life away my hands and throw it with the trash. I was 4 when half my body paralyzed for almost 30 minutes, my dad took me to the hospital. I still remember the time, the day of the week, the hour, the moment, the food i was eating, the color of the old car. That 'accident' lighted up two diseases now i have to deall with for the rest of my life. I'm 14, it has been almost 10 years, since i was 4 but almost 5, in two months, October 20th, to be more specific, then, it would be ten years. When i was in the hospital, my 'family' (from my dad) was living behind my house. My father basically gave them everything, food, clothes, he paid for every single thing they needed. But when i was in the hospital, none of them came to see me, not even my grandmother, not even my cousins, not even my aunt. After some time, the mother of my dad said to the police she was under violence and domestic abuses by his own son. Fortunately, my dad was proven innocent. And my 'grandmother', her daughter (my aunt) and my cousins left that house. After two days, the house they lived mysteriously caught fire in the middle of the morning. Thanks to a random guy passing by, we didn't died, and guess what. I could remember the fire looking through the window of my room, when I was fucking 6. After that, we never seen them again, never talk to them or even try to contact something related to them.
I grew up getting beat by my mom, grandpa, and aunt all because I never became what they wanted me to. I would cry myself to sleep often and just want to leave home. My dad was the only one who made living there bearable since he taught me how to do stuff that I liked. I love my dad and I hope I can make him proud.
(Tw: SA) My story starts out a little something like this. This happened at such a young age, i dont even remember how old i was (i think maybe 6 or 7). I was playing at my best friends house, and his older brother was with us. My friend had to step out to go do something. His brother ripped the controller i was using to play video games out of my hand and said "you'll get this later." Then he proceeded to ask me some strange questions. The one i only remember was "Do you know this difference between a boy and a girl?" I said yes, because i was a petty child. He asked me again, "what is it?" To which, i had no answers. Because in reality, i didnt. I was only a child. Then he asked me to pull my pants down. Obviously i said no, because i has always been taught to say no to that question. Then he tried again, and again, he got no luck. Then he forcefully shoved me into his closet and asked me to hold his phone flashlight. He then showed me his...yk. i was horrified. I escaped the closet but when i did, he pinned me to the ground and started kissing me while rubbing my thighs. I eventually escaped and told my mom, but she didnt believe me that well. She told him to apologize to me. And thats it. I still know him, i was hanging out with my friend the other day, and his brother was there. I was horrified to be around him, even though that happened years ago, but luckily nothing happened. Next, I was hit by a car when i was 11. Right at the start of my middle school years. I gained a dissacoiative disorder, so i dont really remember much of middle school because of it. This ties in to my 6th grade year, not too long after the accident, i got caught up in some pretty bad online stuff. I think you can guess what it was given the fact i was now 12 at this time. One of the things that still haunts me, i was forced to act out a "love scene" if yk what i mean with my online best friend or we both would be doxxed. Thankfully, we never did get our adresses leaked..but it was definitely a horrifying couple days of my life. One thing i will never forget, is my parents yelling at me for what i had done. Like it was my fault i was manipulated. I was 12 and truamatized. I was not right in the head. They yelled at me for 2-3 hours straight telling me everything was my fault and death threatening me. Every day since then, they have acted like that never happened. I remember staying up until 2am hoping they wouldnt yell at me again. Id almost pass out and throw up in class because of the lack of sleep. From what i remember, i never did, but i did come close a few times. Thank you for reading. You do not have to like, comment or anything. Just reading this means the world to me. If youve gone through anything similar, my heart goes out to you and we will make it through this together 💪 You are amazing, and i love you no matter what. Your truama does not define you
ugh... Vent. *Warnings!!* Hitting. Name calling. Abuse? And if you don't like these words then don't look at it please! This is about me and my brother and other stuff... So my brother. (The middle child). Always made fun of me, He called me racist names. He kept on fighting me. And he kept on making me cry. He always told me to grow up and stop being a crybaby. I always hated it. But I had to deal with it. He always made me feel like a person that looks ugly and lazy all the time. I hated him. He made me cry in front of my parents. At least they kinda helped me. He also told me to not tell anybody that he bullied me and made me cry. He would always grab my hand and said "DON'T TELL THEM ARE ELSE I WILL HIT HARDER!!" I was always scared of him. But when he goes visits he's friends, I always tell my parents what happened, but I always tell them to not do anything to him. And when I defend myself he always gets mad at me. My older brother just watches. Some of the time when we get out of control he would help us to split apart. But I wanted to hurt him. But he was more stronger than me. I am mostly alone. And he makes fun of me because of that too. I always cried when he told me that I have no life, and that I should go kms.... And he always laughed. He even says that this is all a joke, And that I am a big crybaby. Nobody but my mom could help me. She is the best mom. She is never mean to me at all. My brother is the worse. I had to go through this like almost everyday. But he went go visit his dad. Which is good. I wish him the worse. And then I started to think of life.. I was scared. Scared to die.. I told my older brother and he said that I was overthinking. I was not happy. So I went go tell my mom. She supported me! She was the only person who helped me. She helped me when I needed it. I am really grateful to be born by a loving and caring mother. And when I finished talking to her that I was scared to die, I asked her. "Am I over reacting?" She said "Yes but just a little, look I know that you are scared to die. But look, I am here for you!!" I was kinda happy and scared. At least the middle child is visiting his dad. I am living a kinda happy life. I am also very sleep deprived. I wake up very tired cus I stay up late. Welp thats all I have :D Thanks for reading!!
This hits in a different way, nostalgia+sadness. I don't even know how to describe this feeling, like.. When you're dreaming you often feel this. It almost feels like being a memory, but then again, we have all been living a dream, nothing is real. Nothing.
SENSITIVE TOPICS ⚠️ I personally think I was handed a phone to young. Not only that but I lived in Mexico before coming to US and the security and privacy there was not safe at all :c !! 7-11 year old me interacted with a lot of p3d0s.. I remember them promising a sweet comforting life if I agreed to meet them and I was happy to hear that.. but they started to sexualize me and I didint know what to do, I was so confuesed :( I wish I could have exposed that..
Hi, this is my old account, I no longer have access to it due to annoying reasons, I’m glad it helped so many of you, I’m a lot older now and a lot better mentally, for those of you who aren’t, I hope you get the love and support you need, living with trauma of any sort, is a hard battle, I made this when I was constantly reminded of the betrayal I had from a step parent of mine, putting me in danger everyday, although you can listen to this with whatever means, this is why I made this, because sometimes all you need is for your inner child to feel seen to be able to nurture those emotions. I love you all
Timestamps!! 0:01 - 1:29 ~ 'Rises the Moon [Instrumental ver]' 1:31 - 3:22 ~ 'it's all in your head' 3:23 - 8:58 ~ 'Baby Hotline' 8:59 - 12:12 ~ 'Treehouse' 12:14 - 13:18 ~ 'Once upon a dream [Instrumental/Lullaby ver]' 13:20 - 16:46 ~ 'Run, Rabbit, Run!' 16:48 - 20:16 ~ 'Not allowed' Didn't take me as long as i thought it would! Also, if possible, please pin for the people who want to listen to certain songs, and if you choose to. Credits to (in order) liana flores, dandelion hands, Jack Stauber, Alex G, disney(?), Various artists, and TV girl who made the songs! Credits to myself/@Id1ot_wh0re for making the timestamps And Credits to @Xookie for making and posting the video!
Well, everyone here is sharing their stories, so here’s mine: When I was little, I was bullied from kindergarten all the way through to 6th. In kindergarten, there was a girl who called me a “loser”. And from 1-3rd grade, I had another friend who basically brainwashed me into dumping my other friends just so I could be cool. I later realized that was a mistake when I got to 5th grade, when I met my best friend (we got back together in 7th grade). The girl who tricked me convinced me that she was “stalking her”. I felt like I was being the rope of tug-of-war between the two of them...my mother told me she was a bad influence, then we broke it off. In 6th grade, a guy made me cry because he threw my gym clothes in the garbage just to prank me...the bullying stopped in 7th grade due to COVID, when we did online school. In 8th grade, nothing happened. 9th grade was the most hellish year of my life. It was the year I cried the most...there was a girl who was jealous because I had a guy friend that she liked, so she called me a b**ch, and she just smiled while I was crying, and all my classmates were watching. When she transferred classes, I thought it would stop, but it didn’t...people treated me like a little girl when I tried to stand up for myself, they would just call me the main character and tease me rudely. I felt like a puppet...home life wasn’t much better because my parents were discussing a divorce...and they still are... If you read this far, I thank you for reading everything I had to say ❤
when i was little, i went through verbal and emotional abuse, it gotten bad to the point i had suicidal thoughts at the early age of 9, my elementary school was a place of fear and trauma, it only went more downhill when i enrolled into 5th grade, my teachers would yell at me and shame me, i would sob and cry and i was told to just shut up, my parents started noticing how miserable i was, they would try to help but it was too much for them, they didn't know how to handle my problems and so they started being more emotionally distant over time when it came to my trauma, i then went into middle school (im still a middle school student), the teacher i had was emotionally manipulative, it made me question everything, it would drive me fucking insane, i would sob more often, i was starting to hurt myself, i would rip out chunks of my hair, i would sob from the pain, but i found it less painful than my emotional pain, so i kept doing it, i one day attempted suicide by suffocating myself, i was then suddenly stopped when one of my siblings walked in, that saved my life, i tried talking to my parents about therapy, but they never gave me that option, im still currently unable to get therapy, not until i am old enough to make my own decisions once i become an adult and grow up, i don't know if i will ever be the same, i doubt it, at this point i think i lost so much of myself, i was going through an identity crisis for a long time, it sucks, it really does :/
trauma not only comes from being abused or hurt, but it can come from anywhere. i lived in a poverty home where it was just my 3 siblings, my mom, and me. are only sense of income came from my father. my mother and father had a separation. i lived in a lot of different trailers, some bad, some bug infested. my childhood was short. at 6 i knew the way me and family lived was not good. unlike most children, i was extremely behaved, quiet, and listened. i mentally matured at age 6. in 2018 my parents got back together and we moved to a small house in a actual neighborhood instead of a dangerous trailer park. income was still low. we were still poor. now in 2023 i can call my family a slightly average middle class family, even though our house is extremely small for a family of 7. we make good money now, but it was tough. still getting free lunch at school. for a long time, and still now, i have always felt and been alone. never relating to other children. maturity sucks. i want to be young, innocent, and playful again. childhood was sweet while it lasted. poverty ruined me. i'm grateful for everything now. i feel like an adult. to be a child again is all i wish.
I saw some people sharing their traumas so...Idk if it's a trauma or not, no I guess, but somehow my friends I had before think I'm indeed traumatized My parents always were the strict one, but could easily change their mood in couple of days or against don't talk to me in few weeks, they could laugh at my mistakes, tell me If I was ugly in their eyes or beat me as if I was a dog.( important thing to mention, they're not drug addicts or alcoholics, they never did that while being drunk) I never suffered from it, no. I could understand why they did so, I was the spoiled anxious kid who could easily yell at other kids if they annoyed me or did something I didn't like. When I was six my smaller brother was born. They never yelled at him or hit him, so I became envious, and till I am. Relations between me and my brother are strained. He is allowed to yell at me, beat me, my parents made him understand that since he was 3. He was never punished for being hard on me, while I got hits every time I raised my voice on him. Now I'm 14, arguements with my parents and their comments abour my appearence or behavior played their role, I grew up as a shy melancholic girl who is scared of society's judgement, tried multiple times to starve herself to anotexia and kill herself with aspirin overdose. I know my parents love me, but just the fact me being a spoiled little girl in my childhood made me too sensitive to any kind of anger headed against me. I don't think it's a real trauma, I don't suffer at all, anyone here has trauma much harder.
Trauma is different for everyone. Some people are prone to things that society doesn’t normally view as “traumatic” but whether something really is trauma or not depends on you and nobody else. Just because it might not seem “as bad as others experiences” to you doesn’t make what you went through any less important. Trauma is subjective to how you react to things. So please don’t devalue what you went through, it’s just as important as others experiences. And always remember that there’s always light at the end of the tunnel. Do your best to keep going
Emotional abuse/ neglect is real, your feeling are real and they’re valid, im sorry you feel like they aren’t but they are trust me. I hope you can come to terms that they are valid and your worth healing them.
You do not need to be physically abused to have trauma. They’re are many things that can happen that isn’t physical abuse but can still be very traumatic. I really hope that with time you can heal your inner wounds because you deserve to.
Vent When I was 6 I had to move around a lot, and it made me not able to have any sense of home, and I always wanted to run away. I was never able to make myself run away since I didn’t have the guts to. I’ve gone to 7 different schools now, and I’m not even in Highschool yet. Moving around a lot however, gave me the perk of a crap ton of people that I was temporarily friends with. That many kinds of people gave me the insight to meet other people, wich made it easier to make friends. It was kinda a bad thing though, bc the more people I met, the more I learned to not trust people. In fact, there was one person (I will not name bc of doxing reasons) that litiraly told me I had to have more trust issues. Then, recently I met someone who was the prime example of why I needed to have more trust issues. This person was a stalker, and still coments on my yt vids to this day. I delete all of them and report the Chanel. I will not tell to many details, but the general way it went was a one sided confession that didn’t go as planed for them. I said no, and they didn’t take no for an answer, going as far as to use other people in a group chat I was in to get my moms number and contact her, telling her to make me text him. I still want him gone. Going back again, my dad. He was never a good dad, but I wasn’t allowed to blame him since he was ”in the military and just can’t help it.” I always felt somewhat uncomfortable when he would tuck me in at night, because he would pat the blankets on *uncomfortable* parts. I hated it so much. I know that’s not realy SA, but it kinda felt like it. It was horrible. I never wanted to be near my parents when they would fight, because it was verry loud. So, I would go to my brothers room to watch him play gmod or something. It was one of the only comforting things I had at the time. I don’t know if this is TMI lmao :/
It's 3'o clock for me Rn and I can't sleep so I'll just right my story as something to do I guess... I don't remember that much of my childhood, all I do remember is constantly being told that everything I do was wrong and that I shouldn't have even been born, they even threatened to kill me at many points in my life. one day 7 year old me was at school and I was on break, me and my friend were playing tag. There was this really high wall that the kids would balance across, people said if you walk from one end to the other, you would get one wish granted by some weird ass cosmic energy thing. Anyways, I was balancing across the wall and I fell and broke my arm pretty badly. Fast forward a few weeks and I'm getting my cast removed for the first time and the doctor notices a handprint across my leg, he questions me and I tell him about literally everything my mum and dad used to do to me. I told him about how they constantly belittled me and abused me for no reason, using belts and slippers and whatever they could get their hands on. About a week letter a car with 3 people non of us had ever met pulls into our drive and says they are taking me away...I was moved from home to home, I had developed C-PTSD,Borderline personality disorder, and OSDD due to the trauma I had endured. For the first few years I couldn't stay in any of the houses I was place in for longer than a few months due to my dangerous behaviours. I would set fires in my rooms, threaten to kill people, run away, one of the kids in one of my earliest care homes introduced me to drugs when I was 10, and since then I have been smoking weed on and off, I still smoke it now, alongside ungodly amounts of alcohol,but that's not very important to my story. When I was 14 I had one of the worst traumatic experience in my life, I was out in a large ikea bag and thrown around the house like I was nothing but a toy, I'm almost 18 now, and it's not long until I finally move out of the care system, but even after all these years, I still get vivid flashbacks that immediately send me into crisis mode, causing me to lash out in anger at my cares,destroy the house and basically be a danger to myself and the staff.due to my severe mental issues I have done countless activities that have got me arrested several times. Yet Despite all this, and all the shit I have been through, I have had one friend that has been with me through everything since I was 4, me and her are moving in together when I get out of care so we can keep each other safe. I apologise for any spelling or grammar mistakes but I thought I would tell my story and get some things of my mind. Thank you for reading. I hope you have a brilliant day.
a pretty late comment, but when i was young i understood the concept of lives and that i was being abused, and i would constantly cry about how "this is my first life and its already terrible" or "why was i born into this family?"
Right? I knew in another live I had loving parents that weren’t abusive and saw me for the fragile little girl I actually was. Instead of them seemingly hating me each year as I got older and had more objections to the violence and terror.
At nine, my dad took me into my room and closed the door while my sister was in school. He asked me if I wanted to play a new game. I don't like firetrucks anymore.
since other ppl are doing it, i'll share my story too tw // verbal abuse, grooming, depersonalization, suicide, eating disorder, neglect, physical abuse, animal abuse one of my earliest memories is my sister crying for being scolded about its homework (it uses it/its pronouns). i still remember its face as it cried. my mom worked basically 24/7, doing graveyard shifts, while my biological father (who will be referred to as "the shithead" for the rest of this vent) stayed home and raised me, i guess? i don't remember him actually doing anything to raise me. my sister could only come over sometimes because of a custody agreement with my mom's ex, so often it was just me and the shithead in the house alone. i was homeschooled in kindergarten, on a computer with other kids. up to this point i had never met any kids my age, so i didn't have any friends or anybody to talk to that wasn't family. another one of my oldest memories is watching the classic scooby doo on a tv, in my room, alone, just sitting in a mostly-bare room, for who knows how long. after kindergarten, we moved to the country. the shithead's idea, of course! in the country, we were an hour from the closest store, and it was repeatedly stated that calling the cops would be pointless because they wouldn't get there in time (i don't remember the context). the rest of grade school, i grew up in a former one-room schoolhouse; we said the pledge of allegiance, only had two or three teachers, and everybody in the school knew everybody else. there was a distinct turning point where the shithead whom i had loved so much had fucked it up for himself... we were eating tortilla chips in the kitchen and he tossed a chip at me, which hit me in the chest. stupid kid me thought it would be funny to cry (i think?) and started crying. he grabbed my favorite dish, fucking threw it at the ground, and screamed at me to stop crying. i was so shocked by it that i stopped crying immediately, since he'd never done anything like that before. i silently walked to my room, quietly closed the door, and cried myself to sleep in my bed. i used to slam my door a lot when i was upset, so instead of telling me not to do that, he took my bedroom door away. i remember being super upset about it. one time, i refused to eat his curry or fried rice or whatever cuz it was gross and made me wanny puke. he told me that i wouldn't be allowed to eat until i finished it. it took four days of hunger pains before i cracked and took the plate out to the back porch when nobody was watching, and scooped it off the ledge, into the tall grass. i lied and said i ate it. my mom later said that they saw it and they weren't mad, just upset i lied about it. later, when i was 12, i was an avid user of the social media app, amino, which has a bunch of servers, kinda like forums but with a different interface. amino is notorious for being filled with younger people, usually pre-teens and teens. as you might expect, this attracted the freaky fucks to it. one such freaky fuck tried to groom me. he said i'd make a good partner or whatever after i told him my age. he kept asking creepy questions, which i luckily knew were creepy, so i stonewalled him, dodging them all. it was only after he was banned from the platform that i realized he was grooming me. at around 12-13, my parents split, my mom and sister (who now both live here full-time) moved to my current house, while the shithead moved into an rv in an rv park, and then to a different rv spot. both of the spots were used by drug dealers. both places, a drug user knocked on the door. one of them gave me a candy bar. did i eat it? yeah. i checked to make sure the wrapper still had air in it, so i knew it wasn't like, laced with anything or something. or did i throw it away? i don't even remember. it was at the second rv place that the shithead started getting bolder, or stupider somehow, or something. he watched conservative propagandists in front of me (knowing i was queer), badmouthed my mom behind their back (they/them for mom), that kinda thing. one time, he tried to force me to take vitamin d pills because i didn't go outside often and he insisted i was depressed and had to take them. i didn't. he gave me the same face after he screamed at me when i was a kid. another time, he led me to believe he'd run over a human, describing something being messy and all up in his wheel. i asked if it was an animal, he said it wasn't. after a minute, he revealed it was a bucket. he smiled and laughed. i stayed silent. at 16, i came out as trans, like a week or two before my birthday. i messaged the shithead the day before i was supposed to go over to his house (and get a reward for having perfect attendance). the morning after i went to sleeo that night, i woke up to a wall of messages, basically saying that if i was going to start hrt, he didn't want to be in my life anymore. i showed my mom the texts, screenshotted them, and stayed home from school (i'm still salty about not getting my attendance reward :/). a few months later, he sent me an email saying that if i needed him, he was there. right. and in the same breath- er, keystroke? he compared being on hrt to being a drug addict. for a year or two i was watching his twitter account, seeing what unbelievable bullshit he would spout next. recently, he replied to another person talking about his experiences... being abused. by my mom. yeah, fuckin right, as if you didn't fight to keeo them trapped in the relationship with you, as if you purposefully didn't fix the car so they couldn't go anywhere, as if you were such a major dickhead that they made you sleep in a cot in a whole other room and stayed at their friend's house a lot of the time. yeah. sure, buddy. i replied to him on an alt account. i disproved all of the things he said. he deleted his comment, privated his account, and changed his profile picture. i'm pretty sure he also added a link to the book, faust, to his bio. i'm convinced it's a message to me. he knows i'm smart enough to get symbolism in a snap. i wouldn't be surprised. ever since, it feels like things are getting lighter. second part in replies
and now, for some things that i didn't realize or learn about until recently. for example, it didn't occur to me until recently that he was very neglectful. i was practically raised by the internet, absolutely no restrictions, saw blood n guts n porn n shit at a young age, that whole deal. it really hit me when i watched a video i took of myself trying to play with him when i was like 8 or so, and he was just sitting there on his tablet, doing whatever the fuck while i tried to play a game with him. it showed on the video that it was really upsetting for him to basically ignore me, but i literally laughed it off when he started paying attention again and cracked jokes. another thing, as puberty took hold, i withdrew from the dysphoria caused by it all; i stopped wearing shorts, always wore long sleeves over my tees, barely talked... damn. also, i used to have a cat named midnight who i loved to death. my earliest happy memory is of him sitting on my face to wake me up. that's the only memory i have of him. one day, he disappeared. when my sister and i were talking one time, the convo shifted towards shit the shithead had done, and it told me about how he tortured animals back then. how he tied a string around a kitten's neck and forced my sister to watch it die, then put it in the trash. nobody knows what happened to midnight. if i ever find out the shithead killed midnight, i'm gonna give him the kitten treatment. anywayyyyyy another thing is that the shithead likes painting minifigures, and to do that, he'd keep the room lights off and use a bendy light instead; bright, warm light, all that. in another conversation about him, i was told that he'd physically and verbally abused my mom, and that he'd screamed at them to pull the trigger as he held a gun to his head. recently (last summer) i developed an eating disorder, right around the time the shithead starved me. i'd go without eating for days because i wanted to punish myself. it used to be harder to cry, but thanks to my loving partner, it's gotten easier. everything's gotten easier. since i met my love, since the shithead fucked off like the little bitch he is, since i got out of that country house far from town. oh, did i forget to mention that the shithead also left another family in another state. abandoned. with a child. he's polyamorous, so he has multiple girlfriends. i'm convinced he's not actually poly and just a fucking bastard who can't stand commitment. i can barely remember anything from my childhood. i can't remember most of the things that happened from the day i was born to 13 years old, and the few things i *do* remember, i don't remember *when* they happened. i completely forgot about the time i went with a friend to the aquarium as a kid, and i didn't believe my mom when they told me until they showed me proof. i still have memory issues now, barely remembering what happened yesterday, the day before, a week ago, or even what i had for breakfast. i've been locked into a permanent state of dissociation since the country years. i learned what suicide was in grade school. i'd throw fits in grade school when i was embarrassed, and i'd run out of the room and cry, too scared of people laughing at me to go back to class. this only got worse when a kid in my class startled me and i yelped. the whole class laughed. my teacher. my friends. everybody. i hid under my desk and cried. i've also been depressed since i was a kid. my emotions were so numb, i compared myself to a robot, which everybody thought was a joke. since i was young, i've barely had dreams, and the ones i did have were almost always nightmares. i remember most of those nightmares. the first time i hurt myself was around a year ago, when i was really depressed, and i punched myself in the leg. my mom and i have a lot of "confrontations" about stuff where they basically tell me about how whatever i did is wrong and then they compare me to the shithead. one time, they said that when they looked at me, they saw a person they loved, but that the way i act is just like him. after they finished saying that, i got a flash of an image in my head; i've always been able to imagine myself and the room around me in third person - so after they said that, it only made sense that the thing that flashed into my head was an image of the shithead sitting where i was, in the exact same way. when my mom is upset, it scares me, because almost all of the times i've come close to ending it all came right after one of our "confrontations", so i've learned all the vocal and physical cues that signal to me that they're about to start another one so i can hopefully try to avoid it, if i can. another thing i just remembered was that when i was younger, i was super into fnaf. like, aside from minecraft, it was the only thing i liked watching. my mom n the shithead thought that my nightmares were caused by it, so they banned me from fnaf for a year. i didn't listen of course, but ever since i've been wary about sharing my interests, scared of judgement. loud noises and bright lights give me a feeling of deep unease because of what the shithead's done. since i was a kid, i've had a hard time describing my emotions. before, i just... didn't. but now, i use scenes to describe them; like, for example, sometimes i feel like a sepia picnic on a park table on a hill in a clearing in the woods on a sunny summer day. then, there's this one time a few months ago, where my mom and i had a really bad confrontation. the only thing i remember from it is when they said i wasn't eating enough and tried to force me to eat a popsicle. i was already holding back a breakdown. i told them they were scaring me, starting to breathe faster and faster, crying without tears, suffocated by a fear beyond comprehension. also i failed math my last year of middle school cuz i developed maladaptive daydreaming disorder and couldn't get out of my head for long enough to work. so, where am i now? i'm a 17 year old trans girl, turning 18 this year, who didn't get a chance at childhood. i dissociate often, and my emotions, body, personality, and mind feel so separate that i consider them as more of roommates than coworkers. i can't hurt plushies or objects because they're inherently innocent and undeserving of harm; after all, what could they have done wrong? and yet, at the same time, i find myself wrathful beyond what i'm comfortable with. it takes serious effort not to give myself a life sentence trying to hurt abusers. it's 3:24 in the morning as of writing. i forgot to eat my dinner because i fell asleep again. it has meat in it so i have to compost it. i'm on my bed, headphones plugged in and listening to this playlist on loop as i have been for the past two and a half hours, wrapped in the blanket my love gave me for christmas, hugging the plush of my cat my love and their aunt made for me when we thought he was gonna die with no chance for operation, with my fitted bedsheet sprawled out just enough for me to lay on it without having to put in the effort to drape it over my comfort slab. i'm still depressed, but my love makes it all so much better. still, sometimes death calls to check in and make sure i don't wanna get early access. friday, april 19, 2024. 3:28 am. now 3:29 am. i love you all. thanks for reading if you got this far. i wish i were the only one who was forced to suffer. 3:30. thank you. thank you.
when I was a kid I hated the times when people would invalidate my trauma and say "others have it worse" or "we all got through that" if so then no body deserves the treatment I went through so for a long time I relied on traumacore and SH until i could get the help I needed
I'm 18 years old, and I'm just realizing I was psychologically tortured almost all my life. My brother used to manipulate me into doing or giving him what he wanted. He took his own life when he realized what he was doing to the people he loved. When I was seven, I traveled more than 800 miles to visit my biological father. For two weeks, I stayed with him. For two weeks, he molested me. He forced me to take a shower with him, he forced me to do oral sex on him, and he forced me to watch porn, all in preparation for the time he would actually rape me. I was so young, I didn't know what happened. Now, I'm absolutely disgusted with him. He tried to tell me happy birthday on Facebook when I turned 18. I blocked him. When I was 11, I reunited with an old friend. She had turned even more evil than my brother was. She forced me to harass and bully my own brother, threatening the friendship over it. I have autism, so she was my first and only real friend. Or so I thought. I told her my deepest secret about my father. She thought it was hilarious. Despite my trauma, she forced me to watch porn and draw sexual comics about my brother and his friend. Eventually, she broke off the relationship because she was bored of me. It was my mom that told me she was just using me for entertainment. When my brother asked her why she stopped being friends with me, she said she found a better friend. Who smoked. "Cigarettes?" My brother asked. "No, something else..." Starting when I was nine, the world was changing so much that I developed suicidal thoughts. I scrawled onto the desk for someone to give me a knife to stab myself out of this cruel world. When I was 12, I was punished for not working when I was having a severe allergic reaction. I got so spiraled out of control that I sat in my room and conjured up ways to try and kill myself. I tried putting tape over my mouth and nose, but our tape was crappy. I told my moms what I had done, and I was sent to a psychiatric hospital. I was the youngest in the child unit. Everyone else was a teenager. I was lonely as the moon. I hated everything about that place. I cried and walked in circles and cried and talked to the crayons and cried some more. I was so happy to leave on the third day. But the suicidal thoughts didn't stop there. As I grew into a teenager, my life only got more stressful. My tears could have filled a pool. Three weeks ago, my mom told me that if I really was suicidal, I would call 911. I called them, and I was admitted into the same hospital. I was scared, but my roommate welcomed me, as well as the rest of the adults there. I was again the youngest, amongst mostly elderly people, but I made many friends during my five days. When I left, everyone expressed their joy of having me to lighten their day. I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. I was a sensitive child. Being whipped with a belt and being yelled at, while they are normal punishments, for some reason, it scarred me. Fear ran through my bones constantly as a child. I didn't want to be yelled at. I don't want to be yelled at. It makes my chest tighten. It makes my body sieze up. I become paralyzed in fear. Even if I'm not the one being yelled at, it makes me overwhelmed enough to cry. Autism makes me a sensitive child and a sensitive person. When I was two months away from turning 16, my younger brother took his life. He wasn't stressed like me, he was saving us from himself. His mind turned to manipulation in order to get what he wanted. His sociopathic mind didn't allow him to realize how much he was hurting us. He really did love us, and we still shared good memories with him, but when he wanted something, he was a different person. I know he saved us. Things are a lot more peaceful at home. He was educated to not be like my father or his father (who was physically abusive to our mom). He would have made a great husband... If not for the mind he was given. I miss him. Even if I'm a year and a half older than him, he was the one who protected me from the bullies on the bus. They shoved me into the wall of the bus. They shot slinkies into my eye. And my brother was there to protect me. They never bothered him. My elementary school years were lonely and riddled with bullies and words floating behind my back. By the end of middle school, I found out that I was aroace. And in 9th grade, I discovered Nonbinary. Finally, I found why I hated my body. Since I was young, I wanted a female bottom and male top half of my body. But nope, as a girl, my chest developed. Starting when I was 9, I hunched my back to hide my chest. Now that I'm grown up, my back hunches normally, and standing up straight makes me lightheaded and I almost pass out. I often doubt my childhood trauma because I was never beaten up or physically abused in any way. Maybe it's worse than even I could imagine.
If nobody minds,heres a brief description of my trauma Whenever I write long descriptions of my trauma, I always get angry and embarrassed at myself and delete it. But i feel like I really need someone to tell this to, so I'll keep it short as I can before I change my mind. When I was around 11 I was experiencing a lot of mental turmoil and ainxiety around the idea of sex. To the extent of (I know this sounds stupid and i feel embarrased just typing this out) being unable to stop thinking about disembodied hands/phallicies assulting me and me not being able to do anything about it. I'd constantly cross my legs and be unable to feel remotely comfortable unless I had my blankets between my legs. One day I couldn't take it anymore and I panickedly told my mom while we were driving somewhere that I couldnt stop feeling like I had been sexually assualted and I didn't know why and I've been showing symptoms of people who had been assulted. (I've always had a lot of trouble remembering my childhood and that was part of the reason that I was scared) She was quiet for a moment, and then admitted that when I was 2-3 her boyfriend's daughter who was around 11 assaulted me. She said that she left for a while and came back to the sound of me screaming. She said it sounded different,like I was in a lot of pain. She said that I told her what she did to me, and when she confronted her boyfriend, he said that I was lying and that his daughter woold never do that. She broke up with him later and it was found that his daughter had been watching porn at her grandma's. After learning this,I felt disgusting. Having been raised very Catholic by my Grandma, virginity was considered this beautiful precious thing that somewhat defined your worth. So,I felt worthless. And I didn't (and still don't) even feel like I was allowed to hate the girl because it wasn't like she was an evil adult, she was just some kid. I just needed to get over it and stop acting like I was "special" or actually traumatized because others have actually been raped. People I know. My story seemed like a joke, an insult to be compared it to theirs. It was just a chamber of hate and disgust and feeling like I didn't deserve to feel the way I did. My father was a psychopath. He was a severe bipolar who never took his meds. Also likely had scizoprenia. He'd abuse my mom in basically every way. I never knew the extremity of it until I was older. One day when I was four, she took me away to live with another guy. He was a bit of a jerk,but not too horrible. He was condescending to me and would make me do chores despite literally being 4. There was a kid who lived with him,not sure if he was a nephew or what. I remember once I was hiding under a table with a blanket because I didn't want to deal with anyone and just wanted to hide. The boy (who I believe was 11-12) found me and I told him not to tell anyone where I was. He said he wouldn't,but I'd have to give him a kiss on the cheek. I was confused, but I agreed. I did,and he told me to do it again. I did, but then he turned his head at the last second and made me kiss him on the mouth. I tore away and wiped my mouth with disgust, and then he started to act disgusted as well and called me a "nasty girl". That is one of the few memories i have of my early childhood,but it stuck with me, and it still makes me uncomfortable. Anyways,she married the guy, and left him not too long after, because as I said,he was a jerk. When I was around 6, she started dating this guy who had two children. The boy was 4. The boy would say he wanted to go to another room with me to "have sex" I had no idea what this meant, so I agreed. He told me that we were supposed to take our clothes off so that he could "put it in" I was grossed out and scared,so I left. He said these kinds of things a lot, and it now deeply concerns me to think why on earth a 4 YEAR OLD would be saying these things,but anyways- She left him eventually because he was also a jerk. Eventually when I was about 7 she started dating another guy. He was actually nice to me. He worked on a boat. He liked to collect rocks and copper and play with fire,so I liked him a lot. She dated him on and off for around 7 years. It eventually ended because he was displaying a lot of concerning behavior. She said he was obsessed with the idea that she was cheating on him, and would stank her and want to go through her phone a lot. He lived with his mother, who he had an over attachment to and she didnt want him to leave the house. He also went down an alt-right conspiracy theory rabbithole within the last few years he was still with us, and would never stop talking about it and getting angry and arguing with me. I just remember that one late night they were arguing loudly,and he came into the living room where I was standing, and he walked up to me and said "you know I would never hurt you... Can I give you a hug?" I said yes and he gave me a tense hug. I remember just looking straight ahead with a dead face,unable to feel anything, I was always so emotionally exhausted. I never saw him again after that. It's been almost 2 years now. Sometimes I think about how after how I had to actually leave my bio father because of his abuse, the only other person I really saw as a father figure left . There is a lot more, but thats all I can really bring myself to say for now. Sorry for the essay.
Please don't ever feel like your story is a joke at all, absolutely horrible the boyfriend would defend their child so sorry to hear about that and your mad dad, I hope you can heal from that and live a good happy, fun life cos you deserve it!
Thank you so much, that feels extremely comforting to hear that what i went through is actually something. I hope you have an amazing day/week/year/life@@gerrardjones28
To everyone who is hurting, I hope that things will get better for you - I know that it's tough but I believe that you'll get through it, stay strong! I'm so proud of you for waking up everyday, breathing, and being alive!
fr though, i had a horrible childhood growing up. my mom used to be on drugs and drink alcohol when i was growing up. my dad left before i learned how to speak. and i didn't go to school. but when i was six and my mom was back to normal, she got me an ipad. and i watched musically/tiktok. but i watched vent videos and learned more about stuff. by the time i was seven. i was depressed and had mental health issues. but i managed to out grow them and i'm feeling better and i hope something like this doesn't happen to anyone.
A weird little vent I know it could be far-fetched but I think my mental health is getting worse. I constantly feel tired, I get frequent headaches from loud noises, I cry for no reason, I get suicidal thoughts often, I isolate myself from others and so much more. I don't know why this is happening, it's hurting me, it's bringing me pain. Please. Can I just sleep in my bed with my cat peacefully again?
Vent from me .. :,> I have horrible trust issues from Trauma in the past. So, I've never really wanted to be in a relationship because I was scared of trusting them. But then, I found someone, and he helped me with my trust issues. Later, we became a couple. And I really trusted him with all my heart. We went everywhere together, we always held hands, things that couples would usually do. But I heard from my friend that he was supposedly cheating. Of course, I didn't believe that. Until I saw him with another girl. It hurt my heart because I really trusted him. He didn't even try to make conversation. He just glared at me and walked away. All because of him...I have awful trust issues. It sucks that I found someone I actually trusted, and he just turned around and went to another girl.
It's so hurtful that when traumas happen you remember every single detail of how it happened:( I didn't have only one trauma i have so many that all are very effective i only made it out by escaping reality and listening to music or playing online games that made me have a bit of social interactions but still introverted and have social anxiety
i remember always feeling insecure about myself and wasn’t that happy with how i looked because of my parents toxic traits to tell me not to eat that and how everyone hates big people…
I recently rediscovered those playlists. When i first saw them i thought it is a weird aesthetic that like glorifies traumas, but rn i do get them. They are just music that can connect with you or your inner child's feelings. They doesn't make me feel bad, i would say i feel comforted. My heart goes for all of you! We all will have good life with good people around us. It will all work out for us! I have a heavy trauma that my own mother gave me. At 26 years old i'm still suffering from it, even tho i left her more than 10 years ago. I'm currently working with therapist and they explained me, knowing my family story, that my mom basically gifted her traumas that she got from her parents to me. I still cannot wrap my head around her decision to abuse me in every way she could, knowing how it felt in her childhood. All my life i feel so lonely, because the most important person never saw me as her child, mostly as object to hate, because of her life, her experiences. And it is hard since i have that unconditional love for her, but i know i never will be seen or truly loved by my mother. I cry everytime i think how warm her hugs would've been. It's sad at my age to not know who you really are or what you like. Only now i'm slowly experiencing life on a "nornal" level, where i can explore my interests and not feel shame for it. Only now i started to live for myself and thinking more about my own feelings, than running after everybody and caring for them, just because i gave up on myself and wanted to save everybody from pain i experienced. I had a small birthday party recently, and it was nice, a lot of people came to have fun with me, because of me. When everybody left, i was sitting where crying, because it was the first good birthday for me, i felt happy. It's still hard for me to greet friends with hugs, because i want to hug them for longer, but i'm afraid of crying in their arms. Ik it is a simple nice gesture, but i'm so not used to it, my mind and body always fight each other. Ik it might sound stupid, but i'm thankfull to myself that i never gave up to the point of very sad decision that would end my life. Someday i hope i can enjoy life fully and find someone who will see me as I am and love me
Thank you for telling your story. I hope you will recover from this traumas. You are very strong person. I hope this world will become more kind to us someday
all those stories in the comments makes me cry so much, i don't really want to detail my story but i would just resume it in physical abuse. All about this songs just remind the fact that I'm still a little kid waiting to someone to pull my hair or slap my face. No matter how much time has passed away, you have the right to expose that person and deserves to be punished
I was always alone at home when I was little. My mum and dad were working. When I was 7 or 8 years old, I saw a cat from the window and wanted to play with it. I remember an old man came to me while I was petting the cat. First he played with me for a while, we petted the cat and played hide and seek together. Then he asked me what I was doing alone at this hour. I fell for his innocence and chatted with him for a long time. He invited me to his house. When I went in, he opened a cartoon for me, and while I was watching the cartoon with my teddy bear in my hand, I noticed that the man was looking at me strangely. I got a little scared, and then it happened. For 3 years I was subjected to his looks and disgusting touches. I'm 15 now. My life is worse than it's ever been. I have attempted suicide many times. I have no academic success. I have a bad relationship with my friends and family and I feel more disgusting every day. I hate my body so much that I can't explain it. If I had not gone out that day, none of this would have happened. It's all my fault and this guilt will haunt me until my death. I ruined my own childhood with my own hands.
You didn't ruin it at all you fell for his sick tricks like any child would, do not blame yourself for your unsuccessfullness or bad relationships do those people know what you've been through? I'm so sorry to hear about your suicide attempts, please don't feel disgusted in yourself your trying your best clearly and that is what counts, wish you the best ❤
Please don't do this to yourself. You're going to ruin your future because of that disgusting man? I think you are much stronger than that. I'm sure you'll get through this. I'm proud of you. Please don't make yourself suffer. I love you, take care of yourself 💗
I am 15 but I am very glad you got this case off your chest, it would have been worse if you don't. But don't worry, I promise it wasn't your fault. we sometimes fall for people with innocence too. And its okay, I have trust issues anyways.
vent, you can read if you want, i’m just trying to blow off some steam back in 4th grade, i had been friends with a girl i’ll call G for a year. she wasn’t the best person to be around with but no one else wanted to be my friend so i didn’t really have a choice. when we would get on call, sometimes i’d hear her father yelling at her because her relationship with her parents was pretty negative to say the least. she taught me multiple things that were NSFW and i lost my innocence. halfway through the year, she had found another girl to be friends with and ditched me within a week. i tried to hang out with her but she would just brush me off and keep on talking to the girl named L. they started dating and i had no one to talk to. i felt sad and alone until i met someone named T. she was extremely toxic but she was the only one who would hang out with me. she would say things about me behind my back and also call me names in front of my face which ended up with me crying in a bathroom stall. next year in 5th grade was by far the worst. T had introduced me to her friend P. unlike the rest of us, P was a boy. because we still had recess, we had four square. i loved to play four square but i never had enough people. P was also friends with L so he invited her to join and G didn’t like four square so she would just sit by. for once, i felt kinda happy. we would play everyday and sometimes add our own little modifications to the game. 3/4s through the year was when the downfall started. P had hurt me multiple times physically and didn’t apologize for them but i didn’t expect him to touch me sexually. i had already lost my innocence but this was too much for me. L and T were there but they just laughed it off and i didn’t know what to do. i felt hurt. i had to take a break so i went to the bathroom to try and process everything. after that day, i never felt the same. i didn’t want to be around P anymore at all. i would spend most of my time alone, occasionally hanging out with some named O. O was actually nice for once but i spent most of my time drawing vents in a note book in a bathroom stall. i started to feel subconscious about my body and ate less, only eating dinner and occasional snacks. i started cutting with a shower razor and i ended up stealing the razor, putting it in a box under my bed. a couple weeks of school were left but i couldn’t take it anymore. i tried to commit suicide but things didn’t go as planned. i never told anyone about it but my family did see me change. when the year ended, i still felt trapped. i didn’t talk to anyone, didn’t text, didn’t leave my room. the only person i would talk to was my older brother. we had a great relationship with some fights but we would make up 5 minutes later because they were about stupid things like who gets to shower first. i would still cut because i was only talking to one person and had to deal with my trauma but i didn’t feel like killing myself again. 6th grade started and O had gone to the same middle school as me with a couple of other people from my elementary school going as well. O had easily made friends and we all started to hang out but i only had three periods with O. someone named C was friends with O and i and we had all periods together so we hung out a lot. at the start of the year, someone had noticed my cuts and reported me to the counselor and they called my parents, which found out about everything. we had a long talk and it sucked. they set me up with a school therapist named Michelle but it only lasted for six days. i miss her. everyone was really nice except for that one kid that would moan in the middle of class and just a really annoying one. in my PE class, i met a girl named B because we were the first two girls to get out the locker room the quickest and we would always race against the boys. (i would win most of the time 😎) we became friends and talked, she gave me a plastic yellow baby as a present because im asian. one day, while we were waiting for the door to the locker room to open, she pinned me to the wall i was leaning on and started to grind her hips against me. memories of 5th grade came back and it did not feel good. after that, things got awkward between us but we did end up becoming friends again. i made more friends, i did a duet for a band concert with some of them, i broke of the relationship with some of them, it was a good year. im going into 7th grade now (its at the end of summer break) and i hope to see them again. :D
Small vent (tw: SH) So, when i was 12 years old i started to be very anxious about everything and everyone, and as time went by it just got worse, to the point i started doing SH two years and a half ago just trying to find a way of venting my bottled emotions. Right now i'm 15 years old, still do SH but not as much as two month ago.. My bf tries to help, but i'm so f addicted to the pain it brings, and also i envy other people's scars. Shi sucks.
I grew up as an ugly, stutter, weak boy and I fell in love to one girl in my class when I was 1st grade. Got rejected from her. She hated me a lot. Got bullied and hated by my classmates. Now I am finishing school, being forced to make money and being adult. and I hate myself. But I am still in love. And she is marrying to another man. I hate people and environment around me. I became a loser.
Throwing in a vent too, seems like a safe space. It's random stuff and sh. There are reasons why I draw monsters, play Omori, become scared around loud noises and yelling, collect Pokémon cards and stuff from my youth, have a very strong password on my IPad (current device), write fanfic, have 4-5 voices to talk with when I'm alone, stay inside all day even when it's nice, and listen to music so obscure it's probably just me listening to a mixing of vocaloid and Danganronpa at 4AM, and wish the Proxies would spirit me away from my house. Unfortunately, it was my mother to thank. I only cut myself once. I haven't since.
TW: A possibly sensitive topic? Talking abt trauma ect I know I do have some sort of trauma but I can't even figure out what it is. I think it was just the internet. I had unrestricted access to it so I was basically raised by it. It affected me a lot. I can't really get rid of it now. Once its stuck in your head its too hard to get out. I knew and still do know too much for my age and look into the very thing that ruined me for comfort. I want to go back to when I was younger and warn them and maybe then I'd finally have a life which isn't constantly in paranoia again. The internet and then with the expectations of others is just too much.
I completely understand where your coming from. I hope you can have a better life and continue to shine like gold through trouble. If you ever make it through and I know you will then I want you to know that I'm always going to be rooting onwards for you from possibly the other side of the earth ❤
disturbingly relatable. my mom was terrible, so horribly abusive that i feel like it broke my mind, i remember shards of bad stuff happening, but most is gone, mercifully, though sometimes i wish i knew exactly what had happened to me. my daddy never protected me because he was always at work. sometimes i wonder who i would be if i could remember properly, or if i wasn't abused, and sometimes i feel mad at my mom for what she did, when i confronted my mom about it, she said: one day, you'll be grateful for everything i did to you. i know life isn't fair, but being abused when i was a helpless child, that seems a little too unfair.
the reason why i age regress (i never had a normal childhood. but i had two horrible fathers, with an alchoholic mother, and a traumatizing school expeirence)
If you’re seeing this comment while going through a dark time. Just know that you are amazing and beautiful and I am so proud of everything you keep doing ever to keep living and I hope you can find someone who can help you❤.
Do you guys feel like that as soon as you grow up, and become an adult, the adult you will be for the rest of your life, you feelings wont be valid? I feel that when i step out of the 'golden years', which will happen very quickly, my feelings, emotions, saddness, everything i feel, no one will listen to anymore? My feelings are only valid when i am a child, a teen... because teen angst is romanitisized. Well, no one listens to my thoughts anyway lol, so i guess it dousnt matter. just a little thought. And, i dont know if i have trauma, im all used to it. Everytime my dad screams at me, it usally my fault anyway lol, like when i forget to close doors, or turn lights off. I feel so frustrated in myself because those are simple tasks that i always forget. I swear there is somthing wrong with me. My parents also removed the lock from my bedroom, and everytime my dad enters the room, he slams the door open. I, obviously flinch, but he says that flinching is a sign im hiding from them. They hate the idea of me having privacy. I swear there is somthing wrong with me. This will probably reach out to no one, but if you actually read all of this for some strange reason...hi :) hope u have a well day.
It reminds me of times when my family forgot me….And abandoned me at home…The times where I always got bullied home and school the times when my home was falling apart
I'm sick of existing because every time I think of my own mother I feel disgusted and I just wanna give up. She is still affecting me after she has been dead for only 2 years
I am almost 20. I don’t even know how I’ve made it this far and I don’t know if I’ll make it any further. My life has felt like just enough hell to damage my soul, but not enough for the outside world to be concerned. I’m going to bullet point my vent because I’m lazy and burnt out but in desperate need to get this off my chest. -My parents split up when I was 5. I mainly stayed with my immigrant mother and visited my british father every other weekend. -I barely saw my mother during the week, since she was a working single mother, so I was often left at home with my nanny. My first nanny once locked me under the stairs for a reason I cant remember. My other two nannies were okay but never paid much attention to me. -When I was at my father’s he’d be a normal father during the day but in the evenings would take me to the pub, shove a phone in my hand and then drink with his friends. One of which told me he many times that he wanted to marry me, I must’ve been around 9 back then. I used to plead to my father that I wanted to go back home. “Just one more pint” he’d say but one always turned into multiple. -When my father deemed me old enough he just left me home alone instead, coming home at 3am drunk and then asking me to sit on his lap (in an innocent way thankfully) and kept thanking me for being his daughter. It made me uncomfortable though, he was very drunk after all. -My father would say xenophobic comments about my mother whenever I was there too. -One time my mother took me to my childhood friend’s house. He asked me if I wanted to play doctors with him. I agreed, he told me to lay down and pulled my trousers and knickers down and began touching my butthole. I must’ve been about 9. -At some point, my mother met my stepfather and he moved in. -At some point my stepfather started massaging me and asking for massages when my mother wasn’t home. Asking me to massage his inner thighs, I was innocent so I did. These massages escalated over time and I just remember being naked with his face in between my legs and him asking me to relax. I got uncomfortable and left the room hastily. -I phoned my mother up and told her that he was doing weird things to my privates, she said she’d talk to him about it. -I was about 10 or 11. He didn’t change his behaviour. -The massages stopped but he would frequently still try to touch me when we sat on the sofa together. -At some point I began secondary school where I was relentlessly bullied for my interests, people called me gay and called me ‘Tr*nny Franny’ (my name at the time was Francesca) or simply ‘Fanny’ (Vagina in british slang). -At some point this bullying became sexual harassment, this one guy kept asking me if i had sex yet and made other weird comments about my lips and my breasts. I was about 12-13 at the time. He found my social media and got his friends to comment sexually degrading comments in russian under the post (he was russian himself). He even followed my friend home trying to get information about me. -I reported him to my school, nothing happened. -For my 13th birthday my half-sister, cousin, aunt and I headed to london for afternoon tea. My aunt had a heart attack and died. -I inherited some of her money, but so did most of my family… I didn’t receive any of her old possessions. Even the polaroid photo I took of her was stolen by my half-sister. -At some point around this period, I went to school s**cidal and the school found out and called my mother. My mother asked me if I was s**cidal and I lied and said no, she then proceeded to shout at me about how some one could’ve investigated her and found out about her tax avoidance. I gave her an alibi for it and she calmed down, but next checked any further to see if I was okay. -Lock down happened. My mother and stepfather would often play loud music and drink. I had undiagnosed autism at the time and had meltdowns from the loud music, my parents would then shout at me for disturbing their fun and frequently call me selfish. -At some point I started A-Levels, but because of my undiagnosed ADHD I couldn’t study. I had a 3 hour long, painful meltdown during a mock exam which left me nonverbal for hours. I was only able to gradually speak again when my comfort teacher took me into a quiet room. -I opened up to my teacher, I told him about the sexual bullying I had suffered. He told me “But he’s such a good lad.” -I ended up dropping out of school. -I attended prom though. I was tipsy and ended up opening up about the abuse from my stepfather. He encouraged me to open up to my friends. -I opened up to my friends… They abandoned me shortly after. -Since then I’ve been searching for jobs to no avail. I am still on an NHS awaiting diagnosis. -I’ve secretly attempted s**cide 3 times in the past year. -I am still living with my emotionally neglectful mother and sexually abusive stepfather. He still tries to touch me and then gaslights me to believe I’m the bad one. -Recently I went to my late uncle’s funeral, I had a panic attack, I told my half-sister and father but they didn’t care. During the wake my extended family made several xenophobic comments about me. My sister also made the entire wake about her upcoming engagement party and not my late uncle :(
I am only 14 so I can't help much, however, I understand your feelings and I am very sorry about what happened to you. You were just a child, you didn't deserve that. Reaching out for help should be a good thing. I'm sure a good therapist will help you. I want things to get better for you, you already suffered enough. You don't have to suffer anymore, everything will be alright. Nobody should suffer like this. If you stay here, you will see how things slowly get better. It is worth it. I hope your stepfather gets punished for everything he did, he is an awful person and he deserves to be in jail. Please, take care.
I have autism, adhd, depression, and pda. A witch’s brew of mental disorders….life is painful…..my teachers feel abusive, my parents feel like failures, my siblings occasionally feel like an annoyance….everything feels wrong nothing feels right, I wish I could go back to my childhood….if only that childhood was normal….
sharing my story, for those who are triggered by these subjects, please do not read: comments on weight, physical, emotional, and spiritual abuse, toxic relationships, minor sexual commentary, and mental illnesses growing up I had only my mom and my half brother, my grandparents were around and got divorced when I was a kid due to my grandpa being an alcoholic and only recently has moved away. He lived with us as he recovered despite leaving my grandma. I ended up getting choked by him frequently until he moved away and when I told my mom about it she blamed me for letting it happen despite it starting around age 7 and went on for about ten years. She often criticizes me for being (I am still a virgin) 'sexual', gender identity, sexual identity, and forces me to admit to things I don't believe are true, going as far as to make me call myself a slut at age twelve. She often gets mad at me for being quiet but hates everything I like. She doesn't like me asking questions and makes me do my own research if I ever want to ask her questions even if I know she knows the answer. I am an independent person but I just want her to talk to me other than just yelling at me for "my" good. My family always fight but all of them are all great people to everyone else, every time I try to tell people what they do to me they yell at me for not talking to them about it, and others can't believe what I say. I have been through a lot, and I am very tired. I just want someone good to be around me to care about me. I hang around problematic kids because they feel like they're the only ones who understand, and all the good kids don't feel mature enough to me, but then I will get upset that I cannot be nearly as happy as them. I get scolded for not being happy and that I should feel so lucky for what I have. Though I feel like a disappointment. My brother expressed to our mom the same things I do and he gets offered help in a heart beat but when I ask I just get brushed off. My mom is an awarded person in her field, my grandparents are successful people albeit unhappy, my brother and uncle are some of the most impressive people i've ever met within their fields, but I "just want attention". My grades were not nearly as good as theirs, I am just tired that I constantly have to compete for love in my own life. My mother has even told me how her and the family resent me, that police should take me away for some of my past actions that I didn't do. That it is hard to love me. She goes through my things, and insults me for things I like, like horror games or old t.v. shows (usually spanning from 1980-2010), calling me by my dead name because I "want attention" and only ever compliments me when she yells at me, never saying it unless I am crying. Saying my father really wanted me aborted when I said I had wished I had a dad like my brother or friends do. There is so much more that I now just can't wait to leave because of. I want to leave and never look back, explore, be myself, fall in love. Change my name, never be around her again, dress the way I want, and grow out my body hair. Cut my hair short and be a real me.
I like seeing kids being happy with their families because it makes me happy seeing kids being able to have a nice, happy and fun childhood unlike a lot of people that also deserved one. (If anyone gets confused I'm basically saying that I get happy watching kids having fun with their family because it just makes me happy that their able to have a happy childhood unlike people that also deserve to have one. And no I'm not saying that the kids that had happy childhoods didn't deserve one I'm saying I want everyone to have happy childhoods and be able to spend their life as a child happily.)
I don’t have childhood trauma but I kinda just wanna get this out of my head. I hate how I always have these stupid and awful moments come back to me at the wrong time and never leave until I fall asleep. I get it I hurt my friend and I got yelled at by 3 people and I should calm down, but please stop reminding me of it until I start crying all over my darn homework! I just want to get things done and I hate crying so much because of how this generation sees it and how stupid of me it is to just cry over a bad memory that doesn’t affect me or my health! I’m really really sorry and I didn’t mean to actually make my friend mad and grab the attention of everyone as 3 people yell at me. Just please leave me alone. I just want to get my work done.
I act tough. I’m the roughest of my friend group, I know it… the person called upon to end a fight, covered in little scars here and there from life, some of my bones never healed right, other times I was told I was “forgiven” for getting physically hurt. The guys and gals of my group have stated my toughness is terrifying. I wasn’t always this intense. I wasn’t always one snap away from full throttle. I’m the first to defend and the last to fall down, and even then I’ll get back up with bloodied nostrils. I fight. That’s what I do. I defend. It’s what I know. I hate sleep, I can’t watch over those I love at that time. I hate being cared for, for no other reason than this horrid twist in my gut. I want to like being cared for, but the pain in my gut makes me so angry, so disturbed by someone caring about me… and then the nightmares. I have saved so many friends from… things. Their lives, their reputations, I defend. And sometimes only to get a terrible result… but that’s okay because they’re safe. That’s what matters. No one in person will know this. I love bugs. I know others do as well, but I have yet to meet them in person. The little creatures. I cry if I step on a beetle, yet look monsters of people dead in the eyes without an ounce of dread. Sometimes, at night, I’ll go on the patio and watch the moon. It’s nice. Old laughter echoes as the ghosts of younger selves run across the grass. I wonder if she knew all these years later I’d be buffed, have a tattoo, and have torn away from the shy stereotype I used to get plagued with. I love having my hair combed through, it’s the last genuine comfort I ever knew. But I’ll be damned before I let anyone do that. Last time I went in for a surgery, the anesthesia burnt and I clenched my jaw. The nurse rubbed my hair, and before I drifted off I felt tears roll down my face. It’s okay. I’m happy. I am. I’m happy. I am. I am. …As long as *I* can help others and they don’t read into it or demand I stay. The friends I make are the exception, but even they fear what I will do to protect them. Nothing *bad* per se. They just know I will stop at nothing to keep them safe. I became what I used to have all those years ago: a genuine friend. The last genuine friend I had, before I became this… … … he was like my brother. He was. I miss him every day. I wish he were here. Even writing this is boiling my temper, but I’m trying, slowly, to get some more peace. Let it out one piece at a time. Kinda hard when I look at humanity with heavy distrust. I can feel my dark circles staining my under eyes. The moon is nice tonight. I can faintly see a deer (a doe) over the hill. I think she’s a mom. Tomorrow I’ll pick some berries for them, and if anyone asks I’ll just say the squirrels and night birds must’ve eaten them overnight.
I know you said you hate being cared for, but I will kind of comfort you? You don’t have to respond/ read it if you feel uncomfortable:) I’m sorry that happened to u:( u deserve better. You deserve love and I’m glad you want to protect your friends, that’s very sweet of you. I’m sure they care for you a bunch too
TW: vent? i can't even remember if i ever felt like a kid when i was one, the innocence that a child was supposed to have i can't remember when i lost it and i can't comfort myself with the thoughts of the past because i can't remember if i ever felt completely safe as a kid but when it started to get better i discovered that i maybe had social anxiety and school is starting in 3 weeks for me it seem like a lot but it's not enough for me
had a good cry about how one day...i will never hear my loved ones voice again and they will never see me again...i know we all die...but can they stay?...just for a while...they may not even care about me....or maybe they do...i hope i die before them...
TW Im just a kid and my life is great. Why do i feel this way? Am i just faking it? Why cant i be a good kid? Why do i cry so much? Why do i always isolate myself? Why do i get in so many arguments? Why do i push away the affection i crave? Why dont i trust anyone? Why did i change? Why did the extroverted, sweet, innocent little girl turn into this? Why why why why why why why why why?
I never went through anything that bad.. just undiagnosed neurodivergency which caused bullying, abandonment, isolation and my social skills to be stunted. i grew up alone and that’s apparently how i will live until i die
all i ever knew as a kid is that i can't tell anyone about my problems beacuse i will be ignored or laughed at when i do and maybe my parents didint abuse mi phisicly but still i feel like they never acually cared for me like when i was happy it was fine but as soon as i had an problem and came up to them to help me i got rejected or laughted at and as soon as i made a miatake i was told that im usless or stupid or basiclly any other slur and i felt negelected i still do the worst thing about all this is that i do love my parents but it feels like they don't love me back... im sorry if i made many writing mistakes english is not my first language also reading the comments here broke me even more im so sorry for everyone here and i wish you all the best ❤
Vent. tw;; Sa, Abuse(???), Body Shaming, ED. It started when I was two, I was running around my apartment with a full can of soda, nothing terrible? I was just a toddler then, well - my dad was cooking or doing something, I spilt the drink, all over the carpet - he screamed at me, grabbing me by my neck and holding me against the wall, present time(14) he now jokes about it. Like it was normal. Time skip to 4, my parents were fighting a lot, my mom and dad yelling at each other constantly - they shoved an Ipad in my face when I was 3 just to shut me up, whenever I heard them screaming, I went on youtube to ""cope"", Instead I got to the wrong side. It was nothing I should've seen as a small child - now to when I'm 5, I started kindergarten, someone who I thought was a friend, had taken me under a table, covering up all the visible peek holes with towels and made me show him my """parts""", I was never aware of how wrong it was, now I think back and realize it's fucked up. 3rd grade, I was wearing a long, colorful striped dress, with orange, blue, yellow, pink, etc. plastered all around it - my friends.. or well "friends" were all boys, who had always shamed me for being slightly chubby, slow, and always copying what they did because it was "normal"(It was bullying, terrible shit that I regret so much.) - they had pinned me against a large tree, wrapping my arms around it so I couldn't hit them, punch them, etc. One of them, aka, the person I thought was going to be there with me, through it all, J. I knew him since kindergarten, and he snapped my world in half. He placed his hands under my dress, touching my thighs, etc. It's painful to remember. Everytime I look at a skirt, dress, etc. I just want to bawl - I hate skirts. The same thing happened in 5th grade, but differently, there was this kid, who we're going to be calling A for personal reasons, A had always made sxual remarks about me, touched me, even grinded on me in ways. I hated it. Covid happened and I got worse, depression started getting terrible, I overate - ruined my sleeping habits, had no friends, couldn't see my family, then my grandpa died. My cousin's didn't want to talk to me, It was just a wreck. Now, I'm 14, and it's all just gotten worse for my mental state, I'm struggling with gender dysphoria - ED, and SH, my dad puts his hands on my throat when we fight sometimes, and makes certain comments about me, I really just hate it all.
I'm so sorry. There are numbers you can call to tell them about what you're going through, that can get your dad away from you for all of what he's doing to you. You don't deserve that.
Lil vent because why not Growing up i immigrated to houston when i was 3 from russia and my parents divorced shortly afterwards, i lived half of my life so far in an apartment that had a bad drug and gang problem and an active gang war had started inside the apartment. When i was 7 i would witness a driveby shooting which would cause my mom to not let me leave the complex i lived in anymore unless i was getting driven to church where there was an attempt to force me into getting baptized, i was getting driven to school, or we were going to the grocery store. My friends would come to my complex to play games with me, we would play tag in the complex, running down the concrete gapped stairs that i would fall down eventually causing me to sustain a heavy doseage of brain damage, one day while coming to my complex to play 3DS with me, my friend got caught up in the crossfire of a nearby skirmish between two of the gangs and he was hiding behind a tree, a gang member would think he was part of the gang he was against because of the clothes he was wearing which caused my friend to get shot and killed while i was watching from the balcony of my apartment. Eventually i would move away and lived in the first american home i would ever live in for 4 years before moving in with my dad where id live for another year, that year i got involved in multiple relationships that didnt end well and were highly toxic where in one of them, i was used for bed, abused mentally and physically, along with cheated on heavily. My dad got laid off and wouldnt be able to find a job fast enough to sustain me living with him for another year so he filed for bankruptcy and i now live with my mom again for my junior year in HS. This time im going to another different school in the same district. I now work a morally and legally questionable job where im constantly questioning why i do what i do because all i do is sustain more traumas which over the years has caused me to develop a slight drinking problem that ive been working hard on quitting. Nobody believes me which i dont blame, the shit i go through is the type of shit to come out of a story book and i wouldnt believe it either if i wasnt me. Have a good day, and remember this one quote from me, dont be a shit person to someone, you never know whats going on in their life and in their mind.
Here's a little vent from myself. You don't have to read if you don't want to. Please proceed with caution as this vent contains stuff about s3xual harassment and sui1c1d3 Growing up, my household was completely normal. I had a wonderful family whom I loved very much. I was always quite the happy child at home, that is until the issues started. School was a major issue from me. I wasn't the smartest, and I was one of the weird kids, so I got targeted by people a lot. I could handle it until death threats and physical violence came into the mix in second grade. I was beaten up quite a lot during my elementary years. None of the teachers would help, no one helped me. My parents tried everything they could but it continued. Even with lectures from the school nothing had changed. It was like that until the end of Elementary. Going into middle school, I thought things would be better. They weren't better, they were worse. I had started getting harassed by fellow classmates and peers online, they would constantly pick at my insecurities, they'd laugh and pick at me for being a trans kid. It got to where my mental health was so bad I had almost taken my own life, twice in grade six, once in 8th grade. It wasn't until 8th grade that things got absolute shit. I tried taking my life during school by overdosing. I told one of the guidance counsellors, and my parents had to take me to the hospital. Thing's didn't get any better from there, and that was only in November, only three months into school. All of my classmates had constantly targeted me, no one liked me. I grew snappy and didn't think before responding to them. I had responded with threats of violence against them. Around March, they had started throwing food at me and spreading rumors about me and another classmate doing nasty stuff together. He was an okay kid, didn't really say stuff about me in my face, so I was on okay-ish terms with him. That s3xual harassment turned into my classmates and other kids saying some nasty stuff of what they'd do to me right in front of me. They always cornered me and threatened to do all that horrible nasty stuff. I remember my father threatening to call the police because of these kids at school. I just wish he did. The harassment was horrible, and not only that, someone who I thought was my friend had bullied me for protecting one of our mutual friends because they were getting bullied too so she wasn't any help. Sometimes I just wish I could start school all over. I wish shit could've changed. I however now am in therapy for this stuff. I wanted to give up so many times, but I still made it through. If any of you are having a hard time like I did. Please reach out to someone trusted and get the help you need. You all are wonderful and have an amazing impact on the world. You'll make it through this, I promise
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