Why Did My Spouse Cheat?

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When trying to understand why a spouse cheats, there are six pivotal questions a betrayed spouse needs answers to. Without a basic understanding in each of these questions, the hurt partner can feel like they are floating in a sea of confusion and hopelessness without any life preserver in sight. While the answers are not easy, today I’ll offer an explanation for each hard-hitting question in an effort to offer some sort of tangible hope, comfort and direction.
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Infidelity expert Rick Reynolds, LCSW, is one of America’s foremost authorities on helping individuals and couples struggling with affairs and compulsive sexual behaviors. He is Founder and President of AffairRecovery.com, the first company to offer anonymous worldwide online group support for those impacted by infidelity. Reynolds holds a Master's Degree in Social Work and is a clinical member of the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapists. In 1992, Reynolds developed and began leading “affair recovery groups.” He received his Master's of Social Work from the University of Denver and completed three years of post-graduate training at the Colorado Institute for Marriage and Family Therapy. He has also worked at the nationally-known Minirth-Meier Tunnel & Wilson Clinic before moving on to private practice: www.affairrecovery.com/about-...

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1 фев 2022

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Комментарии : 31

@lorrainem1870 2 года назад

Ive asked my husband the question ''why" so many times and he has always answered me it was the sex, it was fun, but he always loved me at the time, it was a no strings attached affair, the first 3 years he was seeing her about 3 times a week than he said it wasnt reality, and said it took him another 3 years to whine her off and also told me he was taking this to his grave, he compartmentalize it all, he was so good at it, there were no red flags all those years, it was just part of his day, she of course wanted more out the affair, but he kept telling her it had to stop, and was scared she was going to tell me, this is 1 and a half years later from D day and i am still greiving our marriage, it will be 38 years marriage for us, but it has devasted me to no end

@mizzdarkNlovely 2 года назад

You are literally telling my exact story except we have only been married 2 years and he's been doin it for the past 2 years. 3 times a week and says it's just sex and he is in love with me. I literally hate him and I don't know what to do now.

@sharonovermier5989 2 года назад

I can relate..... I'm sure sorry. I know I can't reconcile the fact that he "loved me" whilst destroying me slowly with lies, deceit, verbal and emotional abuse and infidelity.

@flux1968 Год назад

When I think of "love", the words "lying" and "betrayal" aren't usually included in the definition

@red_diaper_doper_baby 10 месяцев назад

Accountability is keyptonite to some people. Refusal=infidelity. You either let your self go and/or turned the bedroom fun into pay for play or turned it off all together. He wouldn't nuke his life unless this was the case.

@paulagabauer322 2 года назад

Is it possible to love someone and in the meantime destroy that someone? I still don’t get it… how could he? How could he do that to us?, how could he be in several affairs and share the same very bed, my home with someone else. Fill all of my very being with lies and deceit. Tell me in my face after all of this that he loved me? And what we had was real? I can’t even look at him as mine anymore. He is a plate of leftovers that I ate and thought was mine but it wasn’t. He says he is mine but after of what he did, I will never give myself to him again. He went from the love of my life to someone who I will never trust again.

@ducky1115 2 года назад

He brought that on him self I view my husband as left overs myself I told him you are not a prize any man will cheat on me the way you did and he told me that I won because I got to keep him .....that for me was adding insult to injury

@AdeleBuckle Год назад

I feel just like you. Over and over, he could never choose me

@joannamulthauf-fuller7293 2 года назад

To be honest, I don’t care why he cheated. He’s an adult that should be able to voice any issues he’s having. It’s just that simple. Tell me what you want and need. I can’t fix what I don’t know. OR he needs to stop acting out like a spoiled child in secrets. I’m not stupid. I know.

@craiglynch9169 2 года назад

My wife is weak. She didn’t care for me. Has issues. Plain and simple made a choice for her, not because of myself and the kids. In the end her selfishness is what drove her to make the worst choice of her life. That is my why for her.

@saintejeannedarc9460 2 года назад

That's a pretty good summation of the why. There are others who say the cheater could compartmentalize and they never had a clue and there was no flags. It was the opposite for me. I saw it coming a mile away and there were lots of flags. When I first confronted his sexually charged, line crossing friendship w/ a girl I met and invited into our home for a few months, he supposedly picked me. We had a few profoundly emotional moments of declaring our love for each other again, but they were fleeting. Next commenced months of increasing distance and coldness, as he didn't want to get her out of his life. Though he kept saying he loved me and picked me, there was no actual love. He was robotic and cold, to the point where I could see how a spurned spouse could end up w/ their head in a freezer.

@KS-vv3hn 2 года назад

Adultery is transgression of the law. Bottom line, it’s sin.

@angelanowak5448 2 года назад

Absolutely brilliant insights!

@Hisuihana 2 года назад

You brought up something that I have been struggling with at 4:50 into the video. That very idea, of after causing all this, now you know I am what you really want. It feels so completely devaluing. I am very disgusted and have gone to such a point of rage that I could not even discuss it with a trusted confidant. This is the thing that I am not sure I can ever get past to trust again. How do I as a betrayed handle this truth?

@saintejeannedarc9460 2 года назад

Wow, that's a really bad place to be, too angry to even discuss w/ a friend. They do have lots of free resources on this website, and the free bootcamp, plus they have the online discussions. I remember my rage in the first few months. I've never hit a man in a relationship, and I almost pushed him down the stairs (while hitting), and totally didn't care in that moment. I quickly managed to reign that in, and he watched me do it, while saying how I wasn't going to let myself be dragged down to their level. Yes, I've had some rage too and acted out in ways I never thought I would. Never had to deal w/ this though either. I could talk it over w/ people though, so it has diffused. There was tons of swearing and sometimes my confidante's would laugh at the creative names I came up w/ for her. I barely know how they put up w/ me sometimes, but they got me through the worst and now I can talk calmly. There's so much pain behind that rage of yours. I really feel for you reading your comment. I hope there's something in my ramblings that might help just a bit. I also said a prayer for you.

@caitlinhalliday4468 Год назад

I needed hear this.

@brightpage1020 2 года назад

Loneliness, insecurity, immaturity, selfishness… lack of empathy… lack of respect, or perception of the loss of that within their marraige… if they feel disrespected long enough…or devaluation on either side…

@sharleenplacek3698 2 года назад

Narcissists can never get enough attention, admiration or validation, so no matter how much they were getting at home they will seek more from others of the opposite sex.

@florencemorgan2674 2 года назад

What do you consider early in recovery? My wayward is 15 months sober, 18 months in saa, and seeing therapist now CSAT. Last night while we were talking he yet again accused me of flooding him with my emotions, yet I am to keep everything I feel bottled up and not tell him how I am triggered daily, by all the reminders in our house of his addiction/affair. Yes I talk to a betrayal therapist, but I am about done .

@PJHEATERMAN Год назад

My wife likes attention from men. She easily fell into a state of limerence when her coworker seduced her. She left me, the kids, and her home for him. Once i caught the cheating they ended it, but the damage was done and i had to rebuild my marriage with very little help from her on a emotional level. later we were in a pub and it was late in the evening when my wife pointed out a young guy at the bar and she told me that he begged her to leave the pub and sleep with him. I thought nothing of it but what bothered me was she went back and sat at the bar stool next to him and carried on another conversation with him and didn't seem to think it would bother me considering i'm in the process of rebuilding our marriage. I think if i wasn't there she would of went home with him.

@Tbaby-ez9dv 2 года назад

Can you please do a video on forgiving a relapse of cheating? There’s not a lot of information on it. We never got to the root cause & years later it happened again.

@AffairrecoveryLLC 2 года назад

Thanks for reaching out! Any questions can be sent to info@hope-now.com. Thank you!

@bridgetgullison8848 2 года назад

I get he cheated. What I don’t get is now I question whether I loved him either. Ok so we don’t. We deceived each other.

@mjohnstonflying 8 месяцев назад

My wife slept with 4 guys the first time she cheated 3 years in to our marriage, "only kissed' an additional 2 men. I forgave her. I recently out she had an 11 yr affair with one. Then another guy she didnt do much except explicitly flirted and got topless for him. Not to mention another 5 guys she would always flirt with. We have been married 23 yrs, together 28 yrs. Im always put second and promisses me things and doesnt follow through. The guy she had an 11 year fair with. She never missed a date with him. And was always very punctual for him. She would hang on his every word for all those years. When her and I talk she drifts off. Ready for this, this is all with police officers. They all knew she was married, two met me and another one went to our wedding. She blames eveything on letting evil in, falling out of love, low self esteme and so on. She now says she realizes Im the guy shes in love with more than ever before. Shes not able to live on her own financially and we have a 16 yr old daughter who wants to live with me. These videos are great, but they hard to apply to my situation.

@butchgallagher8049 5 месяцев назад

I'm going to assume that you are a betrayer. The person in the video because some of us would never be able or capable to do what the betrayer did. And that's why we have a hard time accepting those facts. That's why we think that they never love me because if you did. Very plain and simple you would have never done what you did. It's not fair that you can lay your life down for somebody. And that's how they return the favor.

@jimskiniotes3011 Месяц назад

So I’ve been told multiple things, the newest excuse is Walkaway Wife Syndrome

@yvonnegrijalva1047 2 года назад

Why don’t they own up to their affair.. my husband left our assets to her, this made me so angry!.., an I thought, he would of at least left Our home to one of Our children.. an nope he left it to his mistress!!!..,I’m still trying to get over this mess that happened in Our Marriage, but now it been a year after his sudden death lady September/...an I got no answers on why he dumped me for his fling!!!.... and he tells me that He Owe Me Nothing!...this even got me more angry of his words that he blurted at me!