Personally i cut off every single toxic friend of mine in 2020, and sometimes i get abit lonely but then i remember how toxic they were and I'm happy with what i did. Dont drink Poisson just because youre Thirsty !
I had this exact thing happen to me. But I was in a group and I left all bar one. So now I see this friend post photos of all of them together hanging out and I always feel like I'm in the wrong. My mind loves to tell me 'Look at them all they still have each other and you have no one, this is your fault'. But when I remember how they treated me and how they treat each other, I have to ask myself right now if I could, would I want to be there? The answer is always no.
I agree so much about low self-worth being the reason for attracting the wrong friends. I didn't feel worthy of having friends, and my confidence was super low, so when someone treated me like shit, I just saw it as normal, since I saw myself the same way that they see me. No more! 💓
i think setting boundaries is especially hard when the other person is not willing to respect or acknowledge those boundaries. ppl get angry when other ppl set boundaries bc it means their abuse of power is being removed and lets face it, a lot of ppl like being in power in friendships. personally as someone who does not always process red flags right away (not necessarily dismiss them, i just take longer to observe things) i realized that establishing boundaries beforehand is super helpful :) i cut out all my toxic friends from hs and i surrounded myself w a great group of friends. part of me is still traumatized from my past friendships bc i was gaslighted a lot into thinking i was the reason why every friendship of mine has ended poorly (i definitely played a role but i dont think i was completely at fault) but im glad i have better friends who empower and help me grow to be a better person.
Your comment hits home for me. I too take a long time to make a judgment of people and by the time I do I realize that they are pathological in their behavior and their reasons behind them. I have no one to blame but myself for people mistreating and taking advantage of my patience. It took me about 5/6 years of continuous self reflection and research to be able to cut toxic people out or keep them at a safe distance.
@@kenseisato1989 yes exactly! i let ppl overstep but boundaries and disrespect me but i didn’t see it like that at the time. after i processed a lot of my friendships this year, i realized it was time to cut off those friends immediately. it was toxic and i needed ppl who wouldn’t constantly takes jabs at me.
A while back I realized that people treat you the way you let them... I had some "bad" friends in the past, who looking back only seemed to be bad to me. I realized it was my fault - I never said anything when I felt uncomfortable with something they did, so it's normal that they wouldn't stop, they didn't know how they were making me feel. Of course some people are actually mean most of the time (or always), but sometimes our bad friends aren't that bad, and if we speak up they'll change their behaviour with us because they respect our boundaries and value the friendship (:
This hit me hard, I’ve had the exact same experience with friends and other people around me and now I realise that if I was confident enough to stand my ground, people wouldn’t just walk over me.
This is spot on. The more confident you are people react to it and treat you accordingly, I have sensed it. This tends to compound things when I feel anxious and unsure though, as I can sense the shifting in how I am being treated then. Being self deprecating is dangerous as people start to view you as the 'failure' you are portraying.
Not always. I stood for myself, said « no », firmly but without insulting the person. What happened? People got angry (bc they still didn’t learn how to have boundaries and other people having it annoys them). So these people stopped talking to me. I didn’t care. Then, a good friend of mine (15 years of friendship) was disrespectful in multiple situations, I felt safe enough to say « no ». She got angry too and left in rage… But I’m working on myself, and hope to meet one day people who’ll respect me and I’ll respect them in return.
Man, this hits home 🎯 Kind to a fault ✅ Poor Boundaries ✅ High tolerance threshold ✅ Curiosity about the wrong people ✅ Crazy how a love for psychology would make ppl put up with some BS
Better solitude with tranquility and contentment than constantly feeling uneasy around toxic individual and subtly jealous "friends" who aren't really good at anything apart from playing pretend
This video came at the perfect time? I’ve just realize that I’m overly nice to people who aren’t necessarily that nice to me. I let my “friends” choose me but I’m ready to start doing the choosing!! 💓
For me i did not know how to enforce boundaries. And because I was so used to chaos and abuse in my childhood, I didn’t initially see anything wrong with my toxic friends. I’m glad I have shifted my perspective re my self worth. ❤️
That's how I lost all my friends, they're all toxic and not for me anymore so I just left after seeing that they won't try to respect my new boundaries, but now I'm alone and can't make new friends.
I feel gas lighted every time I set boundaries, because there is always this kind of narcissistic person which will manipulate everyone into thinking I'm crazy for reacting in a certain way. Last time I set boundaries I only received more bullying comments on why would I not tolerate being treated in a certain way. And it didn't just happen once. The truth is I get more lonelier every time.
I lowered my threshold this year and I am so so so happy for it! I have less friends but they’re now all quality friendships, people I think really do have my back. & The people that didn’t before that you cut off start to respect you way more for it too. Regardless I am not going back to those friendships until they continuously prove to me that they’re good friends now.
I've had a long series of failed friendships until up to quite recently. I did not have many friendships at all during my childhood and many of them were unhealthy. When I went off to university, I had no idea what healthy friendships looked like, and it got me into trouble when I fell into the wrong crowd. I think I identify with being overly-empathetic and kind towards friends that are not good, because I thought that was the solution to making any friendship last, and I would feel guilty about wanting to leave them. I also did not think that I deserved to have a friend that treated me as an equal because that was the way that it had always been. Not sure if anyone has heard of the 'light-triad', but it's a set of personality characteristics that can make somebody more vulnerable to toxic friendships/relationships, and I think that could be really worth looking into for those of you interested in friendships that can become abusive.
I think I’m a combination; I think I’m somewhere in the middle of the narcissist spectrum + I’m fascinated/at ease with people who are similar to me. I have issues with abandonment from childhood and I notice it’s really hard to cut off people who ignore me/treat me like an option because I’m desperate for their acceptance It’s a really ugly thing to admit but I’m trying to fix these things and attract better people
Hi Bibi, I know what you mean. When people are short with you it triggers the 'I've done something wrong' thing and Ive found myself more drawn to people like that. Co dependency
@@hannah.e.023 ask yourself whether you are fascinated/drawn to people who are similar to you or whether your drawn to people who are the opposite. Obviously you've said you are in the middle of the narcissistic spectrum and drawn to people similar, but I've found that being drawn to others acceptance (triggered if they ignore me for example) is often a childhood trauma acting out again (looking for love we didn't get) and a sign of Co dependency and so I wasnt sure if you were more on the empathic side.
@@kieransimpson4965 obviously I’m not certain if I’m one thing or another but I know I have a self-defense mechanism of thinking that I’m an exceptional person that anybody would be lucky to date/know and tend to act a little grandiose about my accomplishments/beauty/interests. I don’t mean harm by this - I just want to be recognized. It seems to me like covert narcissism
@@hannah.e.023 fair enough for being so open. So what your saying is if I don't reflect back at you your beauty etc by withholding validation you are more drawn to me?
"You teach people how to treat you by what you stop, what you allow and what you reinforce" - Tony Gaskins. Rings true for friends as much as family and strangers.
Yea 😬 I can relate. I've had a bad habit of letting people get away with behavior that's not okay. I think there was a part of me that admired a certain quality about the person despite their mean behavior. I stayed in those situations too long because their was a side of them that I wanted to be like (confident, goal oriented, career driven). But if a person constantly makes you doubt yourself, it's not helping you. It took time to get that ex friend's judgements out of my head and start to see my potential. People like that really make you doubt yourself and like you said, you can't keep letting the red flags pile up just to stick around. It's not our job to fix them, but it is our job to not let them cross the line 🚩
I think my attraction of/to the wrong people is two-fold. First, I’m going through identity struggles, and I believe it will help to journal about the major pillars of my identity. Second, I need to be aware of my own value as a friend. I have a good instinct for the right people and have been attracting more right people for a while, but I feel like my friends don’t push me to be a better person and I tend to feel uncomfortable opening up to any of them about my struggles. This video made me realize that this is because I am not that kind of friend either. I’m going to journal about it, but I think I need to schedule therapy for that one 😅
I'm late to reply, but I'm hoping you've made progress in that respect. I'm also having a bit of an identity crisis -- have for a while now, really -- and it's a weird thing to go through, but I'm starting to make some friends at the local climbing gym, which is a hobby I'm trying to center my life healthily around. It's a weird thing to do, transitioning between identities trying to find the one that really feels right, and best suited for adulthood in my case. But it's so worth it.
I attracted a lot of narcissists. I started going to therapy because I wanted the cycle to end. I am still working on it, but I found out that one reason was that I have self deprecating humor and narcissistic people are attracted to people who put themselves down. So... I stopped that. And I would always make accuses for people. No more. Accountability is important. I love how you pointed out that a person won’t emerge victorious if they continue to surround themselves with bullies. They will only emerge victorious by surrounding themselves with better people. That is so well put. I was told growing up that if someone targeted you then it was your job to fix it. Which is also a toxic mindset. Thanks for the video! And topics 1,2,3, and 5 were my problems. Therapy has helped a lot.
Thanks for making this video. I think this is really important for people who are healers and always trying to save people. You can't just "save" everyone and anyone until you help yourself first.
i had a friend who i always felt like treated me with indiference. we would meet to hang out and she would show up hours later. once she asked me out last minute to go to a concert and i´d feel like a rebound. the concert would start in like 4 hours and it seemed like someone else stood her up. she always said she had many friends, two friend groups exactly. she would take one or two weeks to reply to my messages and back then i didnt think anything of it. it bothered me, but i thought thats just life. she has more friends, i have none. but on my birthday i was so sick of it. i didnt wanna do anything, but she sugested we do something. i had just started university and meet some people, so i thought, ok, lets do something. i told her i wanted to go to the movies. she agreed. the morning of my birthday i message her cause i was afraid she had forgotten. she replies excited. after a while of chatting she wants to pick the place, i declined and say i had invited other people. suddenly she changes her demeanor from being excited to indecisive. "ok, i´m still at university but as soon as i am at home i´ll check if i have money" then "sorry, i swear this is not an excuse but i cant come. my mom took the credit card a week ago" and i beg her please come, i am scared no one is going to show up. she then replies saying that that had happened to her before, only her best friend came...and i was like WTF. only one girl from my university showed up and after the movie my friend messages me asking if anyone came. i replied yes and after that ghosted her. she does something unusual, and since then tried to "chase" after me. sending me hi while i ignore her. after the third time she asks if i am mad. i decide to write her how i felt. it took her 3 days to read it. she replied, that she never treated me with indiference and that its probably just projection...and some other bullshit. she said that everyone complains abotu her arriving late n stuff....i still carry a bit of resentment towards her, i wish i had spoken up sooner, was firmer but i am glad that i eventually did it. it was the first time i actually expressed my feelings and it made me realize how people arent as special as they seem. it´s always better to demand respect and show your standards right from the start, bc if you dont, youll always be the rebound friend. and since that day ive only been growing and learning, avaluating people, judging them, getting an idea if i want them as a friend, if its worth it going after them and building a friendship. i have no friends and so its easy for me to want the idea of friendship rather then actually wanting that person as a friend. now i need to change that and question wether or not i really want that especific person as a friend. sometimes i dont, and thats ok.
I've gotten rid of alot of people in my life that are toxic including family. I'm finally working through my CPTSD it's hard but now I have healthy space to get through it...I'm even studying now.
Omg Ana you just uploaded this video at a perfect time for me! I have a girlfriend who I've always considered my best friend since I was eleven years old (I'm 22 now), I've considered her my bf because we have a very rare connection and we understand each other at levels that I didn't know was possible with another person, (I'm specifically talking about how we perceive life and how we react and feel in different situations). However, she has given me many red flags throughout our friendship, she stopped talking to me because of a boyfriend, but she did with everybody else in her life so I didn't take it that personal, then we started talking again but the problem right now is that I feel she's constantly comparing herself with me, she's always talking about how the things she has are somehow better than mine, and that upsets me a lot. Also, I've never felt that important to her even when she always says I'm the best friend she's ever had, but still she overuses her cellphone whenever we see each other (which is even worse considering that we don't see each other that much), and, overall, I always have the feeling that I can't really count on her in my worst moments. It's really hard to me to be assertive with her, I don't know how to express my feelings and thoughts to her, I don't know if I've been maintining this friendship just because I do love her and I feel an amazing connection with her, plus, all of our years as friends. Right now I feel like these are not enough reasons to stand her poor behaviour towards me, because, tbh, I always leave feeling sad and disappointed everytime we see each other. What should I do? It is even worthy to try to fix things with her or it would be just wasting my time and energy more? (Sorry if I made any mistakes, English is not my first language).
Wow the last bit about being curious about someone wow. It’s so true, I’m finding it hard to completely move on from them, like I’m always wondering what they’re up to or if they are doing okay?? Also something I noticed was that I always wanted to be a girlier type of girl and so I befriended those types of girls, however, personality wise we didn’t clash at all, but I wanted them close so I could learn from them, their sense of style, how they carried themselves. Idk I get really hurt from fall outs but I often find myself reluctant to realize they were never really for me in the beginning
Great video! I have definitely been one of those people who let other people treat me like complete crap because I didn't know my worth, even worse: I was taught i was worthless. In the past years I have been (FINALLY) learning how to respect myself and that it is not my responsibility to heal or change ANYONE. I've cut off pretty much all of my toxic relationships but there are still a few, very deep ones, left that I've got to deal with. Wish me luck hahahah
I attract narcissists because I emit some sort of desire for attention and friendship. I go out of my for people (sometimes people I have recently met) and they do not mind taking advantage of that. These narcissists are not at fault however, I am.
Nah it’s not your fault. Ppl need to stop this culture of blaming themselves when they treated badly. Do you bear some responsibility for not saying anything, yes. But the person should’ve known better than to treat you like that.
Hey, could you maybe do a video about learned helplessness and learned optimisim? Ive recently learned that this even exists and the concept of it is kind of hard for me to grasp, your videos help me get better, keep up the good work sis!
❤️ Looking forward to watching the video, I’ve thought about this a bit over the years because I’ve gone through stretches of time where my friend group just wasn’t good (thankfully not the case anymore)!!
this video was slipping in and out of my mind as I was meditating today, I hadn’t seen it yet but it was calling my name. I am glad I watched it, thank you for the insight. I needed that little kick in the tush
Hi Ana 💓 I was wondering - could you do, or do you already have, a video about why you started to study clinical psychology in the first place? Or about your degree & grad school experience? I would love to hear!
I wonder how "therapy" is apparently the solution to all problems, yet so many people go to therapy and have been going for years and years while not achieving a whole lot. There are many "bad" psychotherapists out there and finding the right one for you is a challenge in itself.
It’s worth it tho, do whatever you can to do it even if it’s once every other week or once a month if you can’t afford it more than that. Some therapists have a sliding scale for people who aren’t making a lot, (I know this because I myself get that sliding scale since I have to pay out of pocket)
This video could not have come at a better time. I legit just decided to end a 9 year friendship earlier today. It was a hard decision for me to make and I’m still doubting myself a little; however, the number of red flags surpassed my tolerance. I feel like I personally failed them and am mourning the death of our friendship. Do you have any suggestions on how to cope with these feelings?
Wow!! Thankyou for sharing this. I was doing some shadow work around the same topic but I guess I got stuck.. This really helped. I subscribed before I even finished watching the video. Keep sharing your knowledge. I love it
Lmao this one girl who I always made excuses for because she was nice and thought she never had any bad intentions I would always be the second option and she never had time to hang with me. Thankfully in quarantine with the help of self reflection I left her on delivered after she said “hey” and blocked her ass.
Great video, I just found your channel! These reasons are exactly why I had bad/toxic friends in the past. Do you have any tips on how to find 'good' friends? I definitely learned to avoid the 'mistakes' in this video, but is there something to look for when meeting new people? I'm not very good at first interactions etc.
I always end up with friends or group of friends that don’t really considerate me and my presence very much. I feel that if I am there or not they don’t really notice it. One friends I thought was better but now I realize that she call me only to know gossips or for talco behind others, she always end up talking bad about others. I alway suffered from bulling even in elementary school. Probably I never experienced true friendship.
Hey Ana, I need help, i really want to make friends with women but idk what to do, I try to talk and meet girls online but convos usually fizzle out, and we never talk again. what should I do? I love your videos. Thanks!
I have made a few friends in like the past 3 months, but i just dont feel like i connect with one of them, and the second one ghosted me, like he said something like he is depressed and doesnt feel like seeing people when i asked him whats up hes been cancelling a few times plans we made together, and is it something about me? because i would apreciate straight foward anwsers and i can use the knowladge to better myself , but he just said it isnt about me , so i guess hes just not stable? And the other one just seemed to lose intrest so maybe not everyone is for everyone, but i have noticed my level of confidence has dropped from this and i just feel kinda alone and i would just want to meet someone new who i could be real with and do something fun, its really difficult
@Ana psychology ,so ever since primary school and high school i have always had a problem of making friends to the point that any body that calls me to chill with them i just follow without thinking, because the truth is am afraid of being alone...... so somewhere last year i got pregnant(was 21 years then) and all the ppl i hanged with ghost out on me because i was pregnant,i was even harder when i give birth because every one i could text to talk to would just blue tick me of reject my calls so i decided in 2020 to forget every single one of them and start all over again now am in varsity but i noticed am still attracting the same type of ppl and even worse they are just immature..the one girl i hang with sorry to say but (she annoys me so much)maybe its the age difference between me and her she is 18 years an am 22 years all i want is a person to understand me
Whenever I try to make friends who are girls the girls I attracted were very negative and attracted the wrong crowd when they say mean things and I only agree with them with saying negative or mean things so I don't hurt them but those words hurt me because I'm sensitive because I was so broken with so many friendships I always look at the past about being friends with a girl and in my head I know I can never be friends with a girl
