I have BPD and what you're describing made the most sense to me when I understood what "splitting" is. Basically what happens in my case is someone will say or do something that triggers my BPD, and now I can't help but to see that person as entirely bad. Now I need to have nothing to do with them. I need them out of my life altogether. Splitting also defines when you see a person as entirely good. I've experienced this many times as well, where I want to spend all my time with this person and it tends to overwhelm them. Then of course all they want is a little breathing space, and I take it as complete rejection and now I begin seeing them as entirely bad. And just like that another person is out of my life. It's a cycle I know all too well...
Hey, I’m diagnosed with BPD and I do this too. I hate doing this, but the urge is so strong… I just blocked/went no-contact with my spiritual mentor who loves me dearly. (I feel awful about it.) But see, therein lies the rub; I don’t want to be loved dearly by anyone, except a romantic partner and my family. Friends? Even “mentor” figures? No thanks, I get creeped out verrrry easily with them. I don’t like to having clingy, overbearing friends, which is weird because I can be clingy and overbearing too, in romantic relationships. I’m a tough one to figure out lol. When she touched my shoulder the other day, it triggered my BPD splitting REEEALLY bad - I felt suffocated and weird and awkward and I felt I had no choice but to do what I did.
@@3005511 Hey Kelsey thanks for replying, it's always good to know there are other people out there who get it. I do understand the shoulder touch (any touch from someone I'm not 100% comfortable with). It's like my #1 priority is to get out of there and for me there's also a sense of shame when I do it and I think that's why I never want to face them again. It's part embarrassment and also part upset with them that they would put me in that situation to begin with.
Whoa... I've been on the fence about seeing myself as BPD, but the way you described all of that, especially "splitting," I haven't seen it explained so clearly like that before. I do this all.the.time. I also go cold on people a lot, too, and break all or as much contact as I can with them. I'm good at ghosting. Then randomly reappearing... then ghosting again lol. I laugh, but it's not always very funny.
Because she cheated on me and doesn't have the ability to take any sort of accountability or responsibility for her actions. I wonder if they even feel regret for leaving an exceptional partner.
Why do people try and hurt others feelings with intent? I understand someone accidentally hurting someone’s feelings,but when you intentionally want to hurt someone there’s something wrong with that person. The difference between murder and manslaughter is intent! I don’t care what type of personality you have.
Way to add to a severe stigma. For the record, there are lots of people with BPD in remission. It’s through meds and DBT. And it works. Nobody is forcing you (or any of the other - mostly unempathetic and ignorant people in these comments) to date or even be acquaintances with someone with BPD, but vilifying an entire group of people based on a stigma of how they all are is both unfortunate and disgusting.
@mare6318 Sadly, when you have grown up with a bpd parent, you don't have a choice. Us victims need help, and I am sorry for your suffering, but it is not a child's job to parent their parent.
I do this so much, I can't maintain relationships with anybody, I can go over a year without speaking to my family and it doesn't bother me. I'm just uncapable of any sort of real life friendship/relationship.
“Has it ever struck you that life is all memory, except for the one present moment that goes by you so quick you hardly catch it going?”― Tennessee Williams.
I am 8 months out of a 7 yr relationship with a BPD girl who pursued the hell out of me. The entire 7 years she was addicted to dating apps. I told her quit or we were done. She didn't quit. Instead to gaslit the hell out of me. Lies, always lies. Kept picking fights. One day gave her the BPD check list. She comes out of the room and says yes, this is what is wrong with me. Couple of days later she says I'm her favorite person and can't imagine life w/o me. 4 months later after more cheating and lies I ask her to leave. Suddenly I'm cut off and turned blk. She tells her entire family I was using and abusing her. I was there for her through a very serious surgery. Was there during her father's death. I was there for every rough event for 7 years. She said, not sure why you are so upset, it's just a break up. She was always wanting to marry me. Poke the bear, get bit, the kill the bear. I wish I had their skill of ghosting and cutting people off and forgetting about them. 8 months in sever depression you are darn right I wish I had their splitting skill
People who love you don’t hurt you. Mine just ghosted me too - simply because I said I wouldn’t tolerate the threats of ending the relationship, stopping all intimacy and plethora of other reasons. One day it felt like heaven and the next day it felt like I was dating the devil. The roller coaster is toxic. The most important thing to tell yourself is that you know what you are capable of in a relationship. Now you just need to continue in with life and when the right person shows up bring all those great things out. We are very lucky, because we can love, care, understand and function as normal people, the people we dated will continue to be miserable, unhappy, and unable to have strong caring stable relationships with anyone. Dust yourself off…
Very similar situation but that may be narcissist also. I was told im favorite person, husband etc even though not actually married. Get upset at a opinion or anything and if i didnt just shut up etc it got worse. Sometimes leading to her own thoughts of im not her person and saying it to me, sonetimes would break up and still tell me im her person. This time looks and feels final, she said it was and it was all over the most unimportant stuff out of all and abruptly. I had yelled back after screamed at me prior because she always yelled at me in her moods even when im calm and get hateful with name calling etc. So 4 1/2 years with. 3 engaged with several breakups within the last year all abruotly each time
Im still hurting and confuzed so bad. I got told after break up. Her feeling for me have been dead for years. We are dead. She tried and held us together and i hurt her. My fault she walked away, she is pure love and i only know of the flesh and my love is evil and demons make me twist what she says etc. Even though i have proof.. so hurtful. Very alone feeking after all the chikdish promises mixed with tears she showed me and stuff Said to me over and over. Feels like a nightmare
When you spend days literally searching and gaining knowledge and perspective, adding like 300 videos to watch later playlist and yet you still havent found exactly how to put some way you feel or desire to express something into the proper wording. And then I watched this. Game changer. I really appreciate you.
They sure as hell don't have a problem attempting to get over on everyone they can thieving conniving they don't like the truth constructive criticism that will make them hate you even quicker
Fr. Chaos follows them. God forbid you are the boss over someone like this. Especially a female. They will take everything the wrong way and may even start seeing you as the devil and need to be brought down.
You describe precisely what happens to me. I wish I knew this 50 years ago. So many lost friendships and not understanding why I could not have a “normal friendship” with anyone in my life. Thank you for sharing your thoughts. This video clears up so much for me.
the problem with BPD affected people is that you think you are the only ones with feelings. And never care that you hurt the ones that love you or care for you immensely and even damage their mental health. The cruelty of BDP devaluing friends and loved ones is unmatched.
@@Tailionis You just asserted the other person's feelings of being committed don't exist, based on your own feelings about them. That's the same as admitting that to you only your own feelings matter. Your selfishness is no one's fault but your own.
I have done this throughout my life. First time I've heard someone speak about this regarding BPD. It's a relief for me to hear you discuss it. Thank you.
It's incredibly painful. My exwBPD really pursued a relationship with me. I was not in the best place in my life and was open with her about this and told her I was afraid to get into a relationship. She was very reassuring and caring and eventually I let her in. I fell in love and it seemed like almost as soon I got fully committed, she started to get distant and after about 3 months of her just being super distant, almost a year into the relationship, she suddenly ghosted me for days and then popped up saying she wanted to be alone and was gone. It was so confusing and still is. It's been a little over a month and I've tried to reach out 2 or 3 times but get left on read. It hurts but I'm also worried about her. Its hard to balance being mad about her treating me that way and being heart broken for her and the fact that she has to live with this disorder.
Wish I could tell you it gets better. But it doesnt. Your story resonated with me - I was coming out of a dark period in my life when I met my exwBPD. I was also apprehensive about getting into a new relationship. If she is going missing then you've lost your gloss. You are going to be discarded. She may reappear. She may not. But there is no hope from the way you have described it. Word of warning. My ex became spiteful after we split - with no limits. Mate, if you are only three months in then do yourself a favour and call it quits. Theres no happy ending here. You don't want to end up so damaged that you are unable to trust again.
My ex bpd had a dream of beeing a mother ..after 2 years of relationship’ . Things where getting better .. i was goin to propose to her and tomd her i wanted to be the father of her child ... That was the begining of the end flr me ... Got insecure to the point .. i couldent handle it anymore .. got evsrything wrong the last 2 month i saw my ship come down at the end .. she actualy left me for a question asked about her past .. Nothing Big ... just curiosity .. and it turned out really bad .. That question put a end to our relationshipp’ its so fucked up ! i just cant believe it ... She left me hurt real bad .. and even when i seee a baby .. or young kid i cry for her .. I wanted her to be Mom and be with. her the rest of my life cause. she was just amazing ... i havve pain bcause she must be suffering and i cant be there with her .. bcause she says im toxic and manipulative ... My head his butning right now ...I havento deal with my broken heart and the reality that surrounds me that make me think of her .. I wishhh she could understand ..How much i love her ...
This is so typical.. they get you committed and then they leave. Really sucks. I felt led on and misunderstood.. thankfully I'm mostly over it now. But it was a painful process. Hope you're doing ok!
I was also not allowed my feelings as a child. Like you, my feelings were too big but also I was never allowed to express anger at all. I was supposed to keep a smile. My mother would say I needed to learn to "grin and bear it". I feel this contributed a lot to my emotional disregulation and maladaptive coping strategies
Thank you for sharing this! My partner was never abused or didn’t experience any traumatic events when he was younger, so I would like people to know that it’s not always coming from abuse. He was actually spoiled. I’ve seen some pattern of people being spoiled seeming to have a higher risk of developing bipolar and borderline disorders. Being spoiled feeds their impulsivity. Then, when they don’t get what they want (or don’t get it right away, the anger outbursts, temper tantrums, and manipulating come out. There’s more than one factor for why some people develop these disorders. The heart of it seems to center around poor parenting and/or not being taught well by someone (or not learning well) how to recognize, regulate, and process emotions.
Same I did it to about 7 or 8 of my friends and didn’t talk two them for a whole 2 years, completely shocked to have finally talked to all them expecting them to hate my guts and not want to talk to me but instead they were all worried sick and thought I had died but in reality I was well yk. Come a long way since then but I still find a way to fuck up. Anyhow best of luck to you
@@prb25001 So sorry you’ve obviously been hurt by someone with BPD, but don’t take it out on the rest of us who have BPD. As the other commenter said, it’s a disorder. It takes years of intense therapy and medication (most commonly Lamotrigine) to help correct our behavior. And just remember, if you think YOU have it bad by being hurt by someone who has BPD, just IMAGINE what it’s like for them. You can move on with your life. We literally have to live with this disorder every single day.
I’m guess it’s because you are scared of the intensity of emotions that come along with getting closer to that person. It can also sabotaging the relationship because you don’t know if you can deal with the expectations of a closer relationship. You “mess it up” so that the expectations get lowered and feel less pressure. Just my observations. It’s an insecure attachment style.
I have that being done to me now. It sucks. I think for her it’s almost like a power trip. I think I’m done with this friendship. Karma has gotten her in her life. This will just add to it
I always blame myself. Breaking contact is more to protect them not me. I know how hard this is and don’t want anyone else to feel my pain because it’s so big. I just recently have been diagnosed with cluster b but no explanation. The absolute horror of this diagnosis is almost to much. I’m 62, why was this not diagnosed sooner? I have been seen for depression and anxiety disorder 30 plus years ago. How was this not caught in all those years?
Oh, I understand how you feel. I have been in therapy all my life and fell into the most awful depression (never had anything even remotely like that). I had been seeing a psychiatrist who said maybe I needed to do more in depth therapy. (My whole life has been about therapy and trying to get well.) As the therapy went on I got worse. I am now barely staying alive. The depression has not eased (although new medication started and I stopped seeing that psychiatrist. Now at 78 years of age I believe I have BPD and probably have had it all my life. I ask the same question, why didn't anyone figure that out until now? What on earth am I going to be able to fix at this late stage of my life. I am devastated. I feel for you and know something of what you are experiencing.
See how she said "easier for me" completely selfish, why risk months years for people with this mentality well its easier for me ro be a coward and throw you away than to deal with stuff like an adult. Wheres the empathy?? Yes what bpd people are going throw is legit but dont get into relationships knowing ur capable of throwing away people like garbage. Thats rhe least decent thing u can do
I’ve known my boyfriend for close to three years now and he is eight hours away from me. For the last three weeks he has given me the silent treatment and it’s emotional abuse! I have just about given up on this relationship as my words and feelings don’t matter to him. This is a good explanation just it isn’t an excuse and it shows he doesn’t have much respect for me. There is nothing I can do if he doesn’t communicate with me. And I don’t think I need to put up with being treated like this either.
@@kzbee I'm the one giving my BPD ex the silent treatment. No contact. I don't play her game anymore. She wants me to beg, plead and squirm, but I refuse. Just stop playing their game. You guys are attractive enough. I hope you move on to better people. I need to as well.
these people need to be gathered up and sent to their own planet, they are legit just going around creating trauma for other ppl. and they go right on about their life.
Interesting to hear the point of view from someone who experiences BPD. However, partners of people with BPD often face the challenge of being victimised and inappropriately judge without listening and understanding their emotions. I understand that when you put up your walls, you felt it best to not talk about your emotions and that you usumed people wouldn't listen to what you had to say. In doing this, you have immediately and without understanding, planted the seed in your mind that rather than talking about things, you denied yourself and others the opportunity to support you and blame is placed on the partner. It goes like this "I (BPD) have emotions but my partner will not listen to me so because of this they are a bad person and I will not talk with them. People with BPD are very quick to judge, to assume the feelings of their partners and to punnish them by refusing to communicate their difficulties which pushes people away and makes them feel confused, lost and neglected. One of the hardest things for people with BPD is difficulty comprehending and being open to their partners health and wellness. For example, the non-BPD partner may want to talk openly about something, however, the person with BPD will assume that it will be about making the BPD feel bad, so the BPD will turn it on their partner and accuse them of being a bad person. The BPD ends up not realising that the conversation was about being able to open up and talk communicate and to resolve conflict and of course, most importantly, to love each other. Instead the BPD, has totally made up something else to prohibit what they thought was a an attack on them. In simple terms, the BPD assumes it's all about them.
Bpd ppl were raised in environments of severe abuse so they had to learn to anticipate attacks or pain. They can sense change or a shift in a person very easily and quickly sometimes even before the person acknowledges it themselves but the explanation they assign to this change is usually negative because it was negative in their childhood. When we search for explanations for this sudden shift if we aren’t careful cognitive distortions arise. That means we start wrapping reality to fit this negative fear we have and it’s consuming. What you wanna do is catch yourself before you come up with an explanation and you learn this in therapy learn to ask , why has your behavior changed ? Or make a pro and con list examine all options ect Because the ability to sense a change in a person is very useful it has helped us evade danger many times but when all a person has known is danger then any changes even good or insignificant can be danger . Plus the reason we are such passionate and intriguing ppl is partly cause of this ability. This is how we know when to comfort, when to pick up your hand and how to touch you just the way you needed it. Why we are artist and see things differently it’s not a bad thing and it’s a quality you can continue to utilize while still getting rid of the bad side of it.
Bingo... trying to find common understanding with someone with BPD is impossible and exhausting because they have already played out the scene before anything really happens and the scene is always the same,... so the response and attacks on the partner are always the same.. people with BPD create an alternative reality different than the one the spouse is experiencing... its madness even the smallest of things turn into end of the world stuff... Mine discarded me out of nowhere ... ots a very serious mental illness not just a personality disorder
I have bpd. I can see what you mean about the non-bpd partner scenarios and how it can be seen that way. I agree also with the one above explaining the trauma and shifts.
Most videos made by psychiatrists and professionals are very judgmental about BPD and things such as breaking contact. I am so glad you described it from your perspective. I have tried talking to people about my feelings and it seemed like a self-fulfilling prophecy. Although I would be very careful to use certain vocabulary that would emphasize that I am talking about my perspective and feelings and I wanted to know about their perspective and feelings I would usually get statements such as: I am too sensitive, that it wasn't like that (statement that implies that they, unlike me, know what is the truth of the situation) and on top of it they would get angry and cold after those conversations. And then I would continue with the friendship believing that I am wrong (as a person) and that if someone tolerates me I should be happy with that. Eventually however I wasn't satisfied with being tolerated (and reminded that I shouldn't have all kinds of emotions), I wanted a friendship where I could be accepted. It was painful to let go, there was almost only emptiness in the beginning, but now I am ok not talking to a person who used to be my best friend (I was never hers).
Are you able to consider the dialectical possibility that 1) your feelings are valid and true and deserve to be heard, AND 2) that your feelings might be out of proportion to what happened or based on assumptions that the other person doesn’t share? I’m asking this not to judge you but to share some wisdom from DBT that has helped me a lot. I learned I really have to Check the Facts and stick to what I actually know about a situation instead of filling in what I think the other person was thinking or feeling, which is often informed by my own trauma and not actual reality.
Just dumb ones. Good psychologists perfectly know what borderline stems from and how it can be cured. Unfortunately most of them, especially when young, depend on the family - which is exactly the problem. It creates the borderline and doesn't want him/her to heal. They will never allow a complete healing, or not s long as they can. The family structure need to be fed, you know.
What could they say to you that would make you feel that you were validated? Even if they said, "OK, I hear you, and I hope you will feel better. I'm here if you need me.", sometimes it is not enough right? Because then you might start to doubt the sincerity (borderline has trust issues and always fear there is impending abandonment despite evidence to the contrary). So truthfully, is there anything different your friend could have responded? I think the moderation of your feelings will ultimately be with you. So not to blame, but if you choose to break contact...well, it not really your friend's lack of understanding. It is simply a choice you make because of not being able to figure out the "gray areas" that falls between your extreme emotion and your friend's who is on the other side of "no big deal" emotion.
This is a dichotomy of pathological cycles. "Feeling" not being understood or listened is actually part of the BPD condition. I had a partner where her claim was not "being heard" when actually she was listened thousand times and approached from different angles. When the collapse takes place with these people is when you become factual and direct. They receive it as rejection, not being understood, neglected and abandoned (classic BPD). From here they engage into splitting as the coping mechanism to handle their pain and JUSTIFY their eventual departure or detachment from the other person. Is important to note as well that a dissociative condition might be at place when BPD people and mostly the Quite BPD type, create an alter identity.
@@catc8927 Wow, I've only now seen your reply because I got a notification on another reply. So, it's been a while, but I am definitely, and I think I was also back then, capable of holding both my feelings are valid and they are not based on a shared assumption. That is why I would try to talk to the other person to understand their assumption. Anyhow, thanks for replying :)
My boyfriend did this to me over the disagreement with a renewed friendship he started with his ex. Needless to say, he didn’t respond for day and then we broke up.
if he started with an "ex" mean borderline still remembering and having feeling for the one they had in their past,that mean when they go no contact, it would be not the end at all ,they might be back to you someday....
Here's a question, can this happen when a person with BPD is under stress (about something that has nothing to do with you) that they will take issue with something small, blow it up way out of proportion, and then end the relationship?
@myutube I’m so sorry and sad you are going through that. It is hard and detrimental to your mind. I hope you can look at everything from the outside and not blame yourself
I fully believe, as a BPD, sufferer myself. I cut people off, to not have the outburst, or to stop myself from repeating the same habits. Also, the NPD, in my family, well.... they need to seek God. That's all, I am not responsible of anyone else, just me. If I can stop myself, I don't have to go thru it, because they gaslight me. Seek God, he is the only way
It's true what you say, we are 4ssholes and we are good at destroying relationships. I expect people to act flawlessly or act how "i" would act in a situation. However, it's also true that people nowdays are self-righteous and they think they can treat people how they want and get away with it. So i'll say it's a 50/50 I'm an 4sshole because you're an 4sshole and viceversa.
You just explained this so well!! I never thought or heard about this. So accurate. It’s so much harder statin in that situation because you constantly feel like they don’t care since you can share so being away feels better at least you don’t have to constantly being reminded that they don’t care enough. At least this is how I feel. It’s feels like if I share I will be thought as crazy and eventually abandoned so what is the point.
I think what's so dangerous about bpd for their partners is that a relationship is not just love. A relationship is a partnership built on mutual respect, love, consistency, and effort. Bpd does not allow for those things because feelings completely dictate the relationship at all times and can really destabilize a partner. It's seriously the worst thing I ever went through and trying to talk to them about it only triggers them more. It's really impossible if you're not dealing with a bpd partner that has self awareness. It's sad too because the relationship they will flourish in is likely one that will get them used up and thrown away because their love is just not one that can really be seen as bringing any semblance of stability. You will die an early death with an untreated borderline if you actually care and love them
“When you plant a lettuce, if it does not grow well, you don’t blame the lettuce. You look for reasons it is not doing well. It may need fertilizer, or more water, or less sun. You never blame the lettuce. Yet if we have problems with our friends or family, we blame the other person. But if we know how to take care of them, they will grow well, like lettuce. Blaming has no positive effect at all, nor does trying to persuade using reason or argument. That is my experience. No blame, no reasoning, no argument, just understanding. If you understand, and you show that you understand, you can love, and the situation will change.”
They have a stable of replacements, he would have been grooming her for months. Its only news to you but they have been plotting dumping you for a very very long time.@@jessicam9021
You can’t generalize everything. It doesn’t sound like you guys had the same idea of what you wanted from each other. I’m sick of hearing people say people with bpd are dangerous or something along those lines. Ya they can be, if provoked. I’m not trying to be a jerk but it sounds like you both need help. You just tried to manipulate a bpd into changing for you. No wonder she ran. Your never going to understand how it works if you don’t suffer from it. Don’t try to diagnose people unless you’re a professional in a professional setting. That’s unsettling to me that you did that and somehow managed to normalize to all these people reading your comment.
When in a fight and effectively "splitting," does anyone else experience a kind of fuzzy consciousness? It's as if my vision, as well as my mind itself is fighting to stay afloat. All I can feel is rage, and the rest of me is just...there.
It's exhausting 😪 I'm never sure how I feel due to how I've been conditioned. People have said "you're an adult now get over your childhood" My response is "well you get over yours! Try feeling unloved, unwanted, lost and empty, imagine if your parents had neglected you!" It's different when you twist it back on them.
Bpds are oftentimes pretty empathetic n caring about others feelings until they're triggered, which is so overwhelming for them that even if they feel the other person they cant help bcuz they feel betrayed n feel revengeful against the "injustice" done against them.
Iqbal Hossain bpd can’t see the greys color spectrum is hard for them to be around people because they expect perfection in others when they are far from perfect. I think they gotta learn to tolerate others mistakes so they can learn to comprehend that not everyone is white or black there’s something called imperfect and that’s something they can’t deal with
Sophie love exactly. I tried to be so patient and understanding with the girl I dated who had bpd, but the second I would confront her about anything or show I wasn’t perfect, she would split on me and we wouldn’t talk anymore. The same cycle repeated many times
@@jaredmello Same experience here! First time he ghosted me for a month and a half and then it was inside the relationship. Hope you're out and safe now.
Daya Tom yup I’m out and we haven’t talked since May. She did try to do the old “I miss you” hoover, but I ignored her. The first thing she should have said to me is “I’m sorry for saying I didn’t give a fuck about you. But since it’s all about her, she just said “I miss you.” Nope
I know the general sentiment with BPD is that we hate being abandoned, but does anyone else here with BPD actually have like, this weird nonchalant, blasé attitude when a friend ghosts you/never talks to you again? I’ve always handled it shockingly well. I’m always like “Oh, okay then. Moving on!” I guess it’s ‘cause I’ve done it to people too, that it really isn’t a big deal to me. I can love someone and think the absolute world of them (even idolizing/putting them on a pedestal), and then if they one day decide to leave me, I just silently wish them well and take it on the chin. HOWEVER, that’s just FRIENDSHIPS. In romantic RELATIONSHIPS, I feel absolutely *devastated* at even the first hint of rejection or abandonment. It triggers my fear and rage. But with friendships I just take it in stride. Is that super weird?? I don’t mean to be this way…
Take a wild guess that you a survivor of childhood trauma? If yes then yiu learned taught yourselves to brush what others did to you b/c you had no means as a child to escape? If true ut's not weird now as yiu are free and grown you are questioning your brushing off is becoming harder for b/c you know they are bad things and you don't deserve them.As you have the choice now to call a spade a spade and separate yourself for those behaviors.
“The feelings are real” - are they? If they do not arise as a result of an appropriate stimulus, then they cannot be accurately described as the same kind of “feelings” which do have that source. The triggered reactions Borderliners manifest come from a pre-set automatic lid release from the box of suppressed self-expression and sense of abandonment and absence of care, which delivers a completely inappropriate and uncontrollable blast of usually rage and usually directed at the partner - because of course to avoid the subsequent responsibility and guilt, there MUST be a victim to blame.
Thank you so much for sharing this. This was really illuminating for me. I know there’s no perfect way to hold space for someone dealing with BPD but this was a really helpful perspective
This was a very good explanation of what I have felt and done. For me, there is also the shame of my inappropriate responses to situations and the avoidance of possible rejection. I fluctuate between accepting and trying to enjoy my solitary existence and feeling loneliness and emptiness of isolation.
@@stillhuman4662 Exactly , the weird thing is that they move on to someone else very quick like if it would be the solution of their problems but the problem will come over and over again, it does not matter with who they are,sex is what they need.they never want to recognize the damage they do to other people, especially the one who love them...
@@christianfrost7308 true that. The very real psychological trauma I have experienced from a BPD relationship is unbelievable, its still very raw. She never once took accountability, always talking about how she wanted to change but constantly repeated the same cycle that “she hated and made her miserable”. I was always there for her, even going back 7 times before I found out wtf was going on. When I finally suggested we work on ourselves I was assaulted, all my belongings thrown outside and was discarded then ghosted. I partly blame myself for being codependent but when someone is abusive, lacking empathy and deceitful then its damn hard to see them as a victim.
@@stillhuman4662 I understand, similar situation happened to me ,my ex bpd girlfriend is 12 years younger than me, she is 33 now,the worse thing is that she is my neighbor,she is a very beautiful,attractive,passional and romantic girl,but i could not deal with her problem anymore,, too much abuses and she always play her self as a victim,but they she never changed, she kept repeated the same cycle over and over again,their mind are so distorted that they see as enemies the people who care and love them, as i said she is my neighbor and i am not allowed to aprroach to her also no to talk,nothing ,its sad when i see her once in a while cause i have to keep her ignoring as she also does, and it seem she is dating with someone since a long time,cause she does sleep out very offten and come next day,sometime she is out for many days or weeks,but she never bring a guy to her apartment, now she changed her look,she dresse very elegant more than ever and even she changed her hair colour when she never wanted in the past,either she is dating someone or she does it on purpose to make me jeaouluse when i see her,they are very cruel people cause they punish too .all so weird, with 30 years old she was still shy to have sex, and she never wanted me to see her totally naked after several months also no kisses, after that she become sex compulsive,6 months later she confessed that she was virgin and that i was her first boyfriend, very weird...
My boss who I thought was great suddenly dropped a bombshell and wanted me to change my shift pattern from days to nights with less than 24hrs notice and during the years busiest week, I started getting dissociative symptoms. This would mean I’d lose all my current colleagues and have to make new acquaintances if I accepted. I worked my first shift and watched all my previous day shift colleagues leave work as I was driving there it made me mad. After that shift I completely disappeared off the radar. Never went back dropped all contact blocked everyone. They have no clue as to why I did it. I went From Golden boy in a job I loved to a job where I felt I was being punished. I worried that in my anger I would physically lash out so I’m guessing that’s why I went incognito to avoid dealing with this in a positive way. Sucks still looking for new employment 4 months later - now I feel like an idiot and even at the time I was still employed I was totally aware that this is how I’d end up feeling but still went ahead and dropped a nuke on the situation despite full well knowing the eventual consequences. When I’m in a BPD rage I just keep to myself to guard against others seeing me in this way
Very helpful - I have a great friend - & I understand her thinking/feeling better now. That use of black/white grey to feelings and how they differ in BPD was gold.
My Boyfriend has BPD and even though my mom and friend have said to dump him I haven't, he deserves to have someone stick by his side even though he goes through times were he is cold I know he can't control it so I stay by his side, I love him so much, he sometimes won't answer me for a day or two and comes back, I don't get mad at him, I just comfort him because I know when he comes back he's normally sad and lonely. we recently had a close friend call him abusive and a sadist, he at first didn't react but as the week went on he slowly started doing what he does right before he starts going through an episode. He stopped answering me last night, I texted him this morning telling him how much I love him and told him to get back to me when he felt up to it, I know he'll come back, I just need to give him is space to grive and feel a little bit better.
I know this is not going to resonate now ,but you are being manipulated and if you do not get out you'll end up with CPTSD. I've been there and done that. But i guess everyone learns the hard way.it is not your job to be a patient dog for someone else. life is hard as it is already .Hope you'll get out.
@@tarasteward3271 How are you to determine that he is manipulating her? As someone with BPD I do the same thing but doesn't me I'm being manipulative. Statements like yours is the reason why BPD is stigmatized badly and not taking as serious as it should be.
@@spidermane3969 it’s manipulative even if it’s not malicious. The person suffering from BPD isn’t able to come out and explain what exactly is going on, why they need the space, and they won’t give you a time to reach back out to check on them. But you (not personally you) want them to come back, without feeling like you’ve given up the power and upper hand that emotional neglect gives you. So, rather than be vulnerable and talk about what is going on you give the partner or friend a silent treatment and expect them to do the work and bear the brunt of the confusion your lack of communication caused. Again, it doesn’t have to be malicious, but it is manipulative and emotionally immature.
Yeah I was there for my bpd ex gf. Then she started messaging another guy. I had forgiven her and stuck with her. She didn’t stop messaging that guy. She’s going to do all of this to another and another.
I just had a friend with bpd stopped talking to me out of the blue. I hope its not forever but this video was really helpful. Im wondering is there anything that I can do to help with her pain and feelings even though I cant reach her
Maybe a note that says “If youre ever in the space to reach out no matter how distant into the future Im always here and your friend” if thats how you genuinely feel, idk.
@@morenitascorp9246 yes this would be a nice message if you really mean it. I’d love getting this. We just want to feel loved and supported in those moments at least I do. And know that I matter then I bounce back
What you need to understand is the cycle will never stop. They are hyper sensitive to many triggers. You will unknowingly trigger them again and they will respond by inflicting pain on you with silent treatment, ghosting, etc. You can’t fix this person and in trying to you will feel more and more and more pain. It’s better to go away and think about what you will say if ever they reach out again. But always be careful if you do take this person back because as I mentioned it’s a nonstop cycle of abuse related entirely to their inability to regulate normal emotions.
I have bpd. If I ever cut contact with a friend, its because I perceived some type of deep betrayal or abandonment.. Whether true or not. I think after a little space, if my friends were to reach out and make the effort to show that they genuinely love and care about me, it would make a world of difference.. Like just prove to me that what I'm feeling is not the truth and show me you care, because it hurts to have to cut anyone off that brashly too. Trust me its not easy for us either
Bethany when you say coping what is she coping with my girlfriend says it’s because she’s focused and she doesn’t want to be distracted and she doesn’t want me around because she doesn’t want to hurt my feelings because she is acting totally different and she’s not gonna pay me any attention....Do you think her feelings are still there do you think she is experiencing disatachment....If it’s possible in the best way that you can explain coping mechanism!
@@BradfordplainviewCre8iv I cant say for her because everyone is different so dont put this on her just me and my experience with detachment. When I distance myself I completely cut them permanently from my life so of shes still communicating with you I'm guessing it's not you. This make is feel strange and cold but sometimes it's best for the people we love
@@stacysmom2748 Thank you so much for the info.... no I love her greatly and I have really studied this and posted on these videos and try to learn as much as I can.... but yes she said I’m just going to text you in the morning and tell you that I love you and I’m thinking of you but I just need space and she has thank me greatly from my understanding.
Hi thanks for a great vid , it’s hard for those that don’t understand why we do this action of closing down on people literally a defensive mechanism a psychiatrist diagnosed me nearly 20 years ago but I’ve been unstable since a child
Girl would say I was a narc and we would get in fights if I called her out and we would ghost each other. I cared but this last time she crossed the line
Joshua Holmes until this last one I would just try to love her through it. I made a video about it on my channel. What’s it’s like dating a woman with bpd. I made it before the final split. The final split occurred bc of 100 reasons but ultimately she said she didn’t give a fuck about me so I left.
Gosh, I'm sorry it lead to that. Obviously you know that you can still have a great long lasting relationship with her although it can take a lot of work (toespecially on the non-bpd's end) to keep a consistently healthy relationship. People with bpd are literally like young children who throw tantrums when they don't get their way. You will need to enforce that their behaviour is not acceptable and that it will not be tolerated if she wants to work on building a healthy relationship. The hardest part for a person with bpd is accepting that they have a behavioural problem and that because of this, they are not the issue but that they need to take responsibility for their behaviour. Especially if you find she Stonewalls you or discards you. She needs to accept that she cannot treat you with disregard and disrespect and that she has to take on the issue of her own problems - even if she thinks she is right. I think you did the right thing because eventually people with bpd who wreck havoc on their relationship tend to regret it later on and try to rekindle the lust. This is when you need to set and enforce boundaries so that you bpd knows that they are in control of their emotions and how to navigate their behaviour.
I do this because great explanation. Growing up speaking my feelings was a no so I assumed in a no in all relationships. I’ll just disappear then address the problem so I won’t get hurt
Its really hard navigating this stuff. Is he/she BPD or is it some form of narcissism or is he/she manic depressive? Thats where you end up when around someone who is disordered. It really messes with your head. A person can talk about how they have nobody, but then when someone offers to be there for the person etc they will just go dark. They can call and trauma dump like there is no tomorrow, but when the other person tries reaching out, they wont even respond to a message.
This is so upside down as someone who had a BPD diagnois decades ago which seemed as all mh diagnosis some are popular thann another.The "no contact" phrase in the current view in my experience was and is used with people who have had trauma and paticularly victims of DV and/or the stepping stones of MNs manipulate,gaslight which can cause trauma,ptsd, more compounded if the described in this video w/BPD is a survivor of childhood trauma has already been groomed to accept the MNs behavior.Now in my experience and perusal of diagnosis given in the U.S. those like myself who once had a BPD, with one of the symptoms is black and white thinking ( which the person in the video alludes)are now diagnosied with Ptsd and CPTSD the trauma being from the relationships of MNs in family and or partners.If from both and throw in the traumas accepted by society inflicted on certain groups,i.e females,POC the "no contact" is applied to a patients required or at least a heavy suggestioned from mh professionals to do in order to survive an abusive partner and or family.To be clear the no contact phrase is used with those in violent situations not a phrase to wonder over as in the video as something is wrong with the person with BPD and the onus although she never said how to fix.To change the diagnosis for people who share so many same symptoms: BPD and those w/PTSD and CPTSD is a trend that more aware of life experiences which cause their mh illness and subsequent diagnois in ertain groups and takes the blame and responsibility for their illness on them and keep those with BPD to wander further in a grey area.Once you know we're the vagueness which comes and is accepted by the mh professionals you can begin to hold the outside forces and people responsible to what caused your mh illness and focus on your own agency to make descions on your boundaries,your mh illness and how you participate with the other persons in the world w or w/out sickness to any extent even "no contact." It's freeing.
Beautiful 😍 great explanation however, some people try to weaponize your kindness with their mental illness. Just had to boot a sista with BPD! She refused to go with the flow soooo, I let her go im proud of myself for honoring my own discomfort and space !!!
of course! i’m 47 in may and my dad beat me unmercifully for sport before i could even tie my sneakers. feelings??!! ?😂😂😂 omg it wasn’t even a question. the word toxic is an understatement for every single fiber of my existence. i have lived completely wrapped around drugs my entire life, my best friend in the world is isolation, i have no fucking idea who i am or who i would have been. and people wonder why us criminals won’t hesitate to beat a pedo or child abuser to death with a mop ringer. were all just little scared kids and the thought of hurting or causing ANY kind of discomfort to a child or woman sets a fire inside i can’t describe with human words.
I tried dating a girl with bpd and it was so stressful for me she monkey branched to another guy completely discarded me and I know the other guy he’s a known drug dealer and I’m worried about her. The stress and anxiety literally was a lot. I did say some hurtful things but they were not out of the ballpark they were true to a degree and now she blocked me on everything. Sigh
Interesting that you say you did more splitting before you knew of the BPD. I feel my life was in more control before I knew. Let me explain. Prior to my diagnoses I knew their was something wrong I just didn't know what, and things were just life. Unfortunately, now that I have the label and I have done the work, 16 months of DBT skill training, my life is more out of control and I have shut out "splitting" over 10 friends in 2 years. I fell that the DBT skills is like an alarm that notifies me every minute of my wrong doing and now I'm a bad person. Currently, I have chosen not to have any friends period, to avoid the pain.
You know what’s crazy is I was in a relationship with my boyfriend for over a year and half and he would loose his temper so much that my feelings didn’t matter. I went from Goddess to Nothing. What triggered this was his family drama and toxicity that kept attacking us as a couple. I broke up with him and he refuses to talk, text or have any communication and we are apart of the same church and organizations. He split and he is not the beautiful man I once knew. He ghosted me.
I wish I understood this stuff before… the relationship with my now ex gf of 8yrs ended very abruptly 2minths ago. She has ghosted pretty much everyone in her life, me included and moved to another country with some guy who I think also has BPD withing a few weeks and hot engaged to him right away. Ive been trying to get her to talk to me about her feelings, but Ive reacted poorly to them several times and she has shut off completely. I was frustrated about some of her behaviour, that repeatedly got her into a situation that made her sad/hurt because of her extreme naivite and I acted over-rationally which didnt help in that situation. I wish I acted differently, but on the other hand I felt like she was just going on in a loop for years and I lost patience… sigh. :(
These disorder is so incredible serious and the outcomes are so tragic with intimate relationships it's a point that it feels like the we should be promoting that they should be avoiding all intimate relationships
I am not diagnosed with BPD...yet. I say yet because the symptoms of BPD is something i have been facing for the last three years and im not in a position to consult a psychologist or a counselor. My heart was literally beating so fast when i was reading the symptoms of this disorder on the internet because it felt like my vulnerable parts were being described in such great detail on the page.. Part of me was in serious denial that i cant have a mental disorder because this concept is not an accepted one in the community i live in.. so i remember closing that webpage thinking id flush this information out. but i did not because my mind was not able to do it.. Im 17 years old and i was actually quite an extroverted kid in middle school..Pandemic turned out to be worse than i thought because everything in my life just went downhill.. since that time id started despising interaction at one moment and in the next id crave for talking to certain people...however those same people start to appear untrustworthy because for some reason my brain has just wired me to think oh he/she is just using you or you arent their priority , just a replaceable friend , and all of this makes cut them off.. i still remember the last day of school was one where poeple were crying taking pictures and all.. i just looked around.. and walked off and didnt even stop to say farewell to anyone person..i knew i wasnt thinking it was happening on its own and i was almost on the verge of tears for no apparant reason at all.. i came back home and the first thing i did was i deleted everyones contact from my phone.. the only two left were of my parents.. I didnt know why i was doing it but i just did it....im sorry im writng such a long comment but this was the only place i found i could get this off my chest ..This vid helped..thank you but its also making me thinking of consulting a psychologist as soon as possible once im in a position to do so
Bingo! I just went no-contact with someone who was getting WAY too close to me. I feel so bad about it, they didn’t deserve it, but the feelings of being creeped out were so strong it was making me feel weird and dirty so I felt like I had no choice.
@Kelsey omg, yes!! I literally feel sick to my stomach. Haha, yes, almost dirty. Did you know the person long? I don’t know why when I feel like someone suddenly needs me, likes me, it freaks me out, my therapist would probably say it’s my fear of being truly seen, but I don’t know 🤷🏻♀️
But what exactly do y'all bpd's fucking want????when we leave we are accused of abandoning,when we try to fight for you we are smothering and making you sick,,,,What 👿👿👿 on this good earth do you want????
My ex bf was so much into me, this went on for a year, idolized me, everything was for me but recently every month he would come with new accusation about me cheating. Later he would apologize and cried etc. He seemed to have an episode of annoyance to me even I didn't even feel anything was wrong. He would be on bed doing nothing but didnt respond to my texts. He was an ex soldier and had a trouble from that past. He suddenly ghosted me 3 weeks ago after he called me and I didn't pick up (busy), he then texted " I love you". I texted back an hour later and he has cut off contact with me and our mutual online friends. I suspect he saw my post and started to think of something. When my friends called him he lied hes passed away or even in other place Is this person also having BPD? He has difficulty in communication and a bit reckless.
Most likely, he does have BPD. Look up Dr. Daniel Fox videos on the push and pull of BPD in relationships. Those with BPD struggle with insecurities and fulfilling their own prophecies.
Omg! I suspect my mother is BPD.... she went no contact with me recently out of the blue and I heard from a neighbor she is paranoid I’m trying to murder her. It’s super sad
So this is what caused me a PTSD from a BPD person or pwbpd. The guy keep giving me a silent treatment just right before I was going to talk about something openly, just to communicate is impossible. He communicates through an abuse such as emotional manipulation or silent treatment and ghosting when ever I didn't serve his nonstop needs and desires. He did it again when he get triggered out of nowhere cause I post something on my social media he Think it was all about him. Then he is back again and beg to be in relationships with me meanwhile He still portrayed me as a Bad bad person. Third times He ghosted me again after I call out his impulsivity and mood swing and how he treats me based on his mood. One day like a princess then as a friend then like a trash. Other ghosting he did after an intense relation ( i have trauma Bond and codependency and didnt realize it at that time, so i always accept him again and again) and the last ghosting really caused me a brain injury, cognitive dissonance or C.D that leaded to a POST TRAUMA/PTSD because my brain have this two believe system' about this guy. One that i believe is so loving and the other is the exact opposite, cruel and zero empathy human being. I can't work for 6 months and hurting every single day. Lately he even cheat me with other girl meanwhile he didn't cut or give a closure to our relationship. This shit is a prove that this illness is a very dangerous personality disorder plus he also have combo packs along with a severe depression, addict and psychopathy traits.
Sorry to hear that, Ayu. It's really painful for sure, all the turmoil they put you through. Sounds like you are on the path to recovery though! Good luck!
@@hgzmatt hey thanks for the Kinds words. Indeed it was a hell. I really did not understand yet why i have to face these kind of people in my life which given me so much sickness, damage, pain and a huge loss mentally physically emotionally. I am still shocked... but yes i am still on my recovery journey and healing my disfuctional pattern, my C-PTSD.. wish me luck... ^^
Sounds more like a narcissist , he is just using you to feed his selfishness. Soo sorry to hear your pain. But run girl if he’s hurting you that bad ruuuuuuuuuuun
@@tracy.28 already left him a year ago. Yes he shows all symptom of Covert narcissisme, because BPD and convert narcissist is showing almost the same pattern. Im sure he don't get only BPD but also other p.d as well. I left but kinda a bit late as i ve lost so much before i realized he is a kind from people with personality disorder :(
When I can’t communicate it, it’s because I know my feelings are real for me, but I also know the rejection felt might not be, but could also be real. Not talking about it is a way to avoid the confirmation of the rejection. As I personally deal better with a perceived rejection idea than a real one. If I communication to the person about my perceived rejection , and if the person in front of me is closed and not willing to validate my feelings and accept me and forgive the “cause” that led to this potential rejection, then it means there is no hope really for the rejection to be not true. And then it would lead me to deeper emotional distress as the rejection has been confirmed. I’d rather suffer from potential rejection, as I can keep telling myself it might not be real than actually communicate and have a 50% chance of being actually rejected. Hope it makes sense.
It's like this for me...i start knowing person and if i start to like that person i made conclusion that that person is Good, and when they dissapoint me, my conclusion is that i was wrong about them and everything is a lie and i need to get them out of my life.
I have a friend who completely accepts this about me. She gives me space and accepts me when I come back. I know it's wrong now and emotionally hurtful to the other party and I will make an effort to not continue this cycle. I have however emptied my 'harem' and cut off all relationships that I have collected that are not there for the right reasons. I have a love, I don't need a back up. I have friends, I fail to keep consistent communication with them. The people I love, love me too.
Having people right in my personal space and trauma dumping is so stressful. I now have much stronger boundarys and keep people such as neighbours at a much more healthier distance. I say hello and im polite but dont get involved. Thanks to a wonderful and caring care co ordinator life is so much better, she has taught me so many helpful skills.
My wife and I are currently not living together. and he did silent treatment on whats up for 15 days she said she was angry with my words. even my facebook is blocked and currently my what up is blocked too. Why she doing that to me? After 20 days...she open whatsapp block. Guess what she said?? She asked for money. as if nothing happened.
Four years of the most painful, chaotic, frustrating and verbally abusive relationship I've ever been in....he had BP2 with BPD. Thank you for this video. It helped give me more closure around his behaviors.
How you have managed to encompass this feeling in a way that I can step back and see exactly how this framework fits to every situation including the current status of 'do not disturb'. Thankyou ❤
I think that pattern develops when early on you go through a long period where you have to have NO FEELINGS whatsoever because of family of origin situations.
Heb een relatie van 2j achter de rug met mijn bdl vriendin. 2 maand geleden hadden we plannen gemaakt om te gaan samenwonen. 1 maand geleden had ze het plots zwaar met mijn ex . Ze heeft toen een zelfmoordpoging gedaan en is nu in behandeling. Alle contact is plots verbroken en weet me echt geen raad meer? Ga ik ze nog horen, is het voorbij? In de 2j liep de relatie bijna perfect met enkel kleine terug slagen. Het is echt zwaar.
If someone breaks your heart and leaves with someone else and after try to hoover you back ... I dont call thst love . I call it very DisRespectful .. you deserve better ! Im not judging you by the way i know it must be very hard ... But you must keep in mind that chances are you will fall again ... Good luck
I recently broke up with a friend who exhibits the traits of BDP. Her emotional rollercoaster and many many many, really MANY.... hours and lines of emotional bursts around her romantic subjects and work colleagues, I finally realized I can't cope anymore and need a break until she calms down, but I didn't want to finish our friendship because she is the most intellegent and charming woman friend and I really think she is special and fabulous. So suggested to communicate by emails for at elast three months rather than online talk or real time text chats. This aggitated her immensely naturally and now was my time to be her subject of her emotional burst. She wrote a long long long, really LONG email and departed completely from my life. I regret that I engaged myself on line text chat before she wrote the email. But maybe the outcome was the same. Sorry for the long confession. You know, it hurts for the departed side.
Great video. It's BPD/NPD, and sprinkle in a little ASPD from the Cluster B candy factory if the person suddenly turns extra cruel and sadistic towards the discarded partner i.e. closure manipulation, triangulation with new supply, distortion/smear campaign to hurt the person further and maintain control. Once split and painted black for the final time, they will dissociate into another secondary psychopathic self state, and the ex intimate partner is essentially erased from memory as bad/parent/object/other. Paranoid ideation, and persecutory delusion can occur too. They might have an irrational fear that their ex partner has malevolent intentions. People have to remember BPD is a basket diagnoses that can encompass overlapping traits from any of the four Cluster B Personality Disorders (BPD/HPD/NPD/ASPD). BPD and NPD comorbidity is extremely common. Some statistics say up to 40% of Borderlines share NPD. I personally think that it is likely higher due to the fact that many male Borderlines with NPD will not seek treatment in general.
I've always been told I'm too sensitive and I over react and always felt my emotions were too strong for anyone to understand. It made me feel like my feelings weren't valid. I'm only now at 36 understanding that my feelings ARE valid, and being "too sensitive" isn't a bad thing. It gave me extreme empathy towards others.
