3 Phases of Borderline’s Rollercoaster 

2:47 - confuses intimacy w/ security 5:20 - beauty / irresistibility 5:53 - cult like connection 6:24 - external regulation 6:59 - exportation of chaos 7:54 - contagion / amplification 8:44 - the setup 9:37 - partner “catches” disregulation 10:23 - phase II begins … 11:45 - abandonment sews more chaos 12:56 - abandonment anxiety / acting out 14:19 - phase II summary 17:14 - watering dead plants, OR … 17:54 - escape / isolation 18:16 - happens all the time 19:48 - you’re not building anything

If you have a partner with BPD and you love them, try holding them in a bear hug when they are losing it. I have a wonderful husband who does this and it helps tremendously. Also, not engaging in anger with me (I know that can be hard) and cracking a joke helps me get out of this chronic negative feedback loop. For the parents who are grateful their children with BPD have distanced themselves...this comes from childhood trauma...so try and take a look at yourself and take some accountability for how your children function as adults.

My life in a few minutes. When I finally said "no more verbal abuse, pornography, flirting" and stepped back, he became more aggressive. We have been apart for about 3 weeks and he's already moved on to someone else. It is heartbreaking to me but now I know that I'm NOT crazy.

All this time, I thought I was dealing with a Covert Narc. But your well detailed description of the paranoia these people have, as well as the phases they switch through, not to mention the "emotional sponge" really hit the nail on the head. I remember always feeling so confused by so many of their behaviors, bc none of it made any SENSE. It's not normal, that's why! I was so busy trying to work through whatever bizarre phase had just happened, I couldn't see what was coming next until I was STUCK. I never had a relationship go from such idealism to dumped into the trash so quickly. Wish I could go back in time and tell myself to RUN. So if you get this in time, "run! "

2 years ago, I was in a relationship of 5 years with a BPD. After I set boundaries because my mental health spiraling out of control she hit me with a final discard and tried to have me arrested for the SA to get back at me. I almost self deleted, but content like this help me understand that while I still am at fault for my own decisions, that relationship was extremely damaging. There's insight I have because of the Professor and I thank you.

Prof. Sa, Vaknin - This video explains exactly what happened to me: Step 1. we merged, Step 2. I started to see how her toxic behavior was impacting my mental health so I started distancing myself, Step 3. A week later, I saw my intimate borderline partner posting a video in a bathtub at another mans house, and I screenshotted the video, and her eyes and behavior looked like a psychopath, if you ever want to interview me, I remember every detail of all 3 phases, it's incredible how accurate you are, you have helped me restore my self love, and restore my self confidence as a man

Currently divorcing after 10 years of this. You explained the phases perfectly, and it all ended with the destructive promiscuity (with one of her coworkers at work). I had zero vocabulary for what I was experiencing until now. Thank you 🙏

It is completely mind blowing that my personality is so pathological. I am a bit more high functioning and much more self aware as an almost 40 year old married woman, now. I work on myself. But much of my life has been afflicted by this. I do think that I ended up this way by having a mother who is very high in the narcissist spectrum. Yes, it's a buzz word these days, but my mother is the epitome of NPD in its extreme form.

Prof Vaknin the way you tell the truth is like a scalpel wound. it hurts but at least there is no inflammation and less scarring

I spent 5 years with a borderline, it was an interesting experience to say the least. When the final discard came, I sent him two loving texts telling him how I felt. Then blocked him. I gave myself closure, something he was never going to give me. Walked away, head held high, focused on healing myself. I would not wish this disorder on anyone, but I was not going to attempt to save a drowning man, he would have taken us both down. Thank you Dr. Sam, you threw me a lifeline and I took it. I don't know where I would have been had I not found you.

This is freakishly accurate to my own experience with a BPD.

I am a severe borderline who had a 6 year relationship with a seasoned covert narcissist.The videos are on point and help me understand the dynamics of our relationship.

Borderlines are very intense but i have to say there is something wonderful still happening there it's the emotional disregulation that becomes too intense for me, i'm sure when healthy or regulated borderlines can be some of the most wonderful people. Borderlines if helped i think can be beautiful people, i find it less insensitive than npd, as i believe and have learned through you and many experts, emotions are the path to healing :) i'm very glad to hear that. It's very true the cicle, also the narrative.

Pretty spot-on to my experience with a borderline.. So glad I got out.. I enjoy my peace and sanity..

These borderlines may not be monsters but they act like one, people have the right to live in peace and harmony, I love these borderlines as human beings but from far far away

I have BPD and ive been with my partner for 14 Years. Sometimes i yearn for something else, but I never act on it. Why ruin a relationship for a few months of excitement with someone...

The abuse escalates with untreated borderline. I have gone back many times because we share a child and that bond caused me to linger in hope of change for our child’s sake, but any form of attachment to a borderline is a trap. Things never get better because each time a return to attempt of reconciliation is made they escalate their abuse. I was involved for 3 years. Finally reached my limit when they attempted to swerve my car into oncoming traffic by grabbing the wheel in the midst of a verbal argument. I also got punched for the first time. I do fear that if I continued to go back and forgive him that I will end up dead, or even worse my children would be harmed. Borderline is no joke. I have compassion for them but their emotional disturbance and impulsive behaviour can be so dangerous… please if you are involved with a BPD, get out while you can.

It's so incredibly sad to hear how self-destructive they are. I've dealt with a Borderline woman and you are spot-on

I am a woman who just got diagnosed with BPD this year and I am 30. I have never dated and have had 2 sexual encounters. I am scared to try at my age and find it very difficult to talk to men. Watching this video has made me more determined to stay a recluse in case I end up ruining someone's life.

This is 100% spot on, I broke up with mine 8 months in only to be hoovered back for another round where she tried to baby trap me, didn’t happen, thanks guardian angels.

You're chilling, both in your present location and in your accuracy. Thank you...

Bingo! Been there, done that! Professor Vaknin, thank you so much for doing what you do. It really helps me to keep moving forward.

Sam, Thank you for you’re constant informative content

As someone who has bpd it’s hurtful to read these comments. We aren’t monsters. I’m 24 and realised on my own and went looking for answers/help. Everyday since I realised I have bpd I have sort to get better and heal. I deeply love and care. I have dealt with others with bpd and I get it. It’s not easy to deal with us. But we didn’t asked for this. Not everyone with bpd is a monster. I want to get better. I don’t like hurting others. I don’t like being like this. Just because you have had a bad experience with someone with borderline doesn’t mean we are all irredeemable and evil.

This is so accurate and have seen so many memories passing through me when you went over the three phases. I am only now at 36 discovering this about me. I've researched BPD for many years and I would love to finally be able to have a proper diagnosis. Just the realization itself has led me to finally understand myself and finally be able to move forward for the better. Thank you,

This is exactly what I'm doing in my relationships. I never realised before this video what the whole circle is. Thank you Sam ♥️

I maintain that you must have unresolved issues of your own even to entertain the thought of involving yourself romantically with a pwBPD. A healthy person doesn't ignore the multitude of redflags waived beneath your nose from minute one. The disordered stick around demanding more. The healthy gracefully stay away while the predators hit it and quit it. Also the pwBPD selects the wrong romantic partners, knowing the relationship will fail, and thus allowing them to continue to justify their misbehaviors.

When I was in my 20's someone I did a lot of good work with started me with the Dialectical Behavioral Therapy workbooks. I was going to college at the time and majoring in psychology. I learned those books were to deal with people with BPD and I was partially offended that she thought I was crazy and somewhat relieved that I could put like a name with a face. It helped me understand why I did maladaptive things that I did and still do. I'm 50 years old now and I've never been married, don't have kids, and just decided for other people's benefit that I would keep myself to myself. I judge people that know that there's something wrong with them but actively seek out relationship after relationship after relationship. I don't get it.

Great insight as always, Professor!!!

This is 100% right on point with my experience. Excellent work Dr. Vaknin.

Brilliant ,thanks Sam !

I love your humor, brother Thanks for making my day

Just broke up with a borderline she was exactly how he describes. Good thing I never let her move in with me. I think at some point later down the line she would've tried to kill me simply because she loved watching documentaries on violent women committing horrific crimes against their lovers (mostly men). I'm just happy that I was able to escape her clutches.

Thank you for your content. This change my life and i believed the lives of many people who lived in relationship with this type of person. Thank you Vaknin!

I thought mine would hoover but 3 months after we split she is already married to "the best thing that's ever happened to her" I got a follow request from her business request 2 weeks before her marriage. I guess she thought it would hurt me somehow. She is his problem now. Thank you next.

The fact I frequently listen to your videos and out loud to no one start saying "yep....yep......yep......oh yeah......" means you have effectively spied on me and my relationship with my Borderline partner of 10+ years from infatuation to discard as your template model :)

I learned verymuch, thank you!🙏🏼

You made me laugh at the end. Thank you for that and the rest. Interresting!

♥️Cat ladies of Yore. ☠️😆🚬 I listen to you throughout the week when Im cleaning and sometimes when I workout. I appreciate your insights so much Mister Sam. Been with you for about three years. You've helped me through a very dark , lonely and frightening time in my life.

As someone diagnosed with BPD; I find Professor’s Vaknin’s views very insightful and mostly agree with and its really refreshing to watch him objectively. I havent experienced what he explains at 5 minutes and 19’seconds in, though- i find I think of myself as the opposite- which is why I self sabotage and run Away from the intimacy as he describes.

"Have fun with your borderlines, kiddos" Hilarious end line! LOL Great video! It felt just like he had seen all of my relationship with my pwBPD. Thank you so much for such an eye opening video

I listened to this with awe. This 3 part cycle is EXACTLY what has been happening with my adult daughter who left her husband 4 years ago and talked me into selling my home and buying a house big enough for her and (when she had them every other week) her 4 children ages 2, 4, 6 and 8. Her conduct progressed as you have described it and my awakening and (finally) boundary setting resulted in the downward spiral and behaviour you describe. After 20 months I sat down and told her it wasn’t healthy for either of us (or the children) to continue living together and she rented a house (paid for by her ex). That lasted a year during which time I was in despair for my grandchildren. Their dad was sent overseas for 5 months and because of her bizarre parenting, money handling, sporadic employment, sexual promiscuity and general inability to function normally, my husband and I had the kids here with us much of the time AT HER REQUEST/DEMAND. Then in the summer she gave full custody to the dad (with whom thank god we have a good, solid relationship) and moved to the west coast to ‘start making her dreams come true’. She hasn’t spoken to me since. So I feel you don’t need to only be, as you say, an intimate partner, to be at the mercy of these troubled, inexplicable and difficult people. I love my daughter and pray for her happiness … but in a way it’s been a blessing she left us, horrible as that is to say. I know the anxiety, worry, chaos, unpredictable confrontational atmosphere and actual hate spewed at me was leading to some concerning health issues for me. Anyway, thank you 🙏 for putting this process into clear focus. It’s helped me enormously.

Wow! Awesome and SO TRUE! I’ve been blind all my life…

I'm still trying to figure her out this sounds a lot like her but her insecurities were off the wall. Constantly accusing me of cheating I mean every single day getting mad over absolutely nothing I mean as petty as buttering toast the wrong way. I mean screaming and yelling calling me down it was horrible.

This is the only content, speech, video that explains exactly my situation, I was doubting myself constantly between analyzing and overthinking, but this right here is exactly what I went through, she texted me after 20 days being ghosted, a text as if we are still together how delusional, "hi do you have time to call, would he nice for a closure... "

Your the man Sam! You helped me save my relationship!

Finding your channel is as clarifying as painful. I have a daughter with her and even with extreme abuse I truly do not want to leave her..

“It’s not her…cup of tea!” I liked that!

Finding difficult to concentrate in the absence of the candelabra with the off balance candles

I'd be interested in your in-depth take on the decay of society due to narcissistic incline. Love hearing your voice on these matters (your accent is also alluring).

As a self aware borderline this is so spot on...

This is terrible. I wish I hadn't found out I have this. Because I was in a place where i had made myself invincible to criticism and am better than everyone. Sure secretly I hated myself and felt I deserved to die. But now I'm trying to get better and no one in my life wants to be vulnerable and now I can barely function at work. The hardest part is if i try to be quiet and in control everyone gets upset with me because ive stopped reflecting an idealized version of them. It turns into a chorus of be yourself. To which i reply what does that look like????

What happens after a borderline has a baby…. Does she still idealize the intimate partner….. or is the baby now idealized?? Or both?

Dear Professor, I had 13 years with a borderline woman with a life that you described in the cycles. One Big Question: All the things we did, all that we view together, all the beautiful things we liked in our lives, all the trips around the world. Was it not satisfaing/ did it make anything good for her soul ? If she not choose Me for how I look or who I am , was the "fantasy"/life-experience together something she still would have enjoyed ? She was so happy and pure when not angry and controlling . Ps ofcourse she had a new partner two months before she ended our relationship. And he is so special what I can understand. Looking forward for your answer, David in Sweden

Thank you, very helpful!

Thank you I have Cptsd and with that comes bpd tendencies if I am not careful. If I recognize symptoms I can be sure to do the work to fix the cognitive errors creating the symptoms.

Sir you are a genius

What happens to the person afflicted with borderline personality traits when her rock dies. Please could you consider this as a topic Sam as your videos are almost prophetic so searingly accurate it gives me goosebumps. Thanks. you

What seems to have a very calming effect on my female partner since 2.5 years who suffers from BPD, is cannabis. When she smokes it, even in small doses, it reduces greatly the likelihood of her switching into an ‘Episode’. In that sense I don’t see it as substance abuse but as simply the most effective medication. The THC or CBD or both contained in the substance appear to relax all her mental tensions. Also it seems to allow herself to switch back into her normal, logical personality when she smokes it while having one of these destructive episodes. From one moment where she tells me that she wants me dead she switches back to being a sweet and supportive female being. However, yes, she has a tendency sometimes to overdo it and be in a hazy state the whole day. I myself do not use this substance and this post is not intended to promote the consumption of cannabis which is illegal in many countries.

No, Dr. That did not inject optimism into my borderline day!!! : P I love you by the way! Haha! Some of us actually try to get better and be better and stop the madness. I have faith someday I will be able to have some self regulating abilities. Have you figured out how to fix us yet?

This eerily describes me.

When someone incorporated their partner’s hobbies into her life, is that one symptom of BPD? I have a friend who, every new guy she meets, she engulfs herself in his hobby, be it nascar racing, bodysurfing, religion, reading the classics, anything.

Dear Professor, could you some day dedicate one of your films to a relationship between a borderline and a psychopath, please? And one more question that has been tormenting my mind ;) You say that in the vast majority of cases BPD disappears after the age of 40. But is it possible that even if it seems to have disappeared, it can come back again? For example after a traumatic relationship with a psycho (I would like to stress that I mean a real factor one psychopath not an NPD). Thank you for every bit of your knowledge that you share with us.

🌟 No one understands the subject more than Professor Sam. Vaknin. Regards,

As a woman with BPD , I' am LMFAO! I agree with the 3 phases of a borderline in relationships.The terminology Sam is using in this video has a sting of personal experience to it.More than one borderline has disregulated his self love.

Thank you! It comes also with a huge costs of therapy to recover after . Would you have a topic on how they recrute their partners? How do they feel that you might fall in? Thanks again for your work !

This describes my daughter in law’s ( borderline ) relationship with my son. From the beginning it was exactly like this and we can’t figure out why he would sink so quickly into this relationship and stay with her. They have no children, she uses all his money for herself ( trips and gorgeous clothes ) and she’s never worked. But he keeps defending her atrocious behavior towards everyone. I’m the current person she’s not allowing him to talk to. He does have military PTSD, so could that be the reason? Is he trying to save her? So in the 3rd phase, she convinced him to isolate with her, blocking out everyone else. Since I’ve been blocked out ( severe isolation ) I don’t know if she’s dropped into her promiscuous old self again. She always decided to be promiscuous in the last stage before. Instead of drugs and alcohol and promiscuous activities now she’s an extreme religious fanatic! Extreme! Last time I saw her she was memorizing the Bible and God was talking directly to her. I’m worried for my son.

Thank you so much, Professor, for this channel! Is it possible to set boundaries with a borderline the right way and hold them accountable for what they do? I have a covert male borderline kind of boss who mistreats me and being dishonest. I cannot find how to communicate with them. For now I see that his fear is the main driving force that I can use.

Thank you so much! It explained a lot to me😲 Now I know that I took the schizoid solution. Could you make maybe another video on how to get out of this schizoid solution or change it to something more agreeable?🙏

It is striking how any moment could be so dangerous and the violence and tirades that ensured after some percieved threat (that I had to endlessly defend did not happen). Any trigger, a phone message, an attractive news anchor, ALEXA app, someone walking across the street, and advertisement could trigger endless anger and accusations. It was so scary. I had to cancel my phone, lost my job, and found myself literally in my bedroom in a fetal position, not trigger her.

We will love to have your take on misogynists...thank for all the wonder work you do.

If the BPD has a grandiose image of herself, why is she so insecure and threatened by fear of abandonment?

Sam, so much respect for yr content.. the dynamic u describe is familiar. What is yr view on attachment styles? I'm Anxious-preoccupied & he's Dismissive Avoidant.. Could the dynamic resonate here? Feel he'd be promiscuous post break-up, whereas I'd be celibate.. Thankyou for educating ppl who wish to learn & grow.

the women see him balanced and sees herself crumbling then takes that as rejection this is very true the instant the rejection is felt they immediately leave mine went back to her parents

I was lucky to escape a BPD relationship. She would have taken everything, even my life. She was extraordinarly beautiful and this was so dangerous.

Perfectly described

Cat lady here in a 10 year relationship. If you have BPD too Sam as you've stated before. You know that with cold therapy we can fix the disordered brain thankfully! I am very rarely diregulated now 😅 did you not invent it?

Wow this is me and I’m not even diagnosed BPD 🤯

Great video , is it possible for two BPDS to have a good relationship? I know a couple both women and both have BPD right now both are very happy it’s in the beginning stages. Thanks

Does this cycle also happen in relationship with NPD? From your previous lectures I understand that bond between BPD and NPD is very difficult to break and they tend to reconcile time and time again. So does this cycle apply to relationship with healthy partner or also with NPD?

I have been in a situationship with someone for almost a year and I've experienced all this. over and over every 4-6 weeks. I don't know if she's borderline, narc, or psychopath but she's made me completely disregulated. Friends and family say I'm not even the same person I was a year ago

I choose to leave my mind in the gutter lol

The Dolder Grand is a very expensive hotel At the top of the city of Zurich. In my country. 😮

Have fun with your borederlines lmao The only fun thing to do with them comes with a life sentence

I’m in the cat lady phase 🙌

Hello! Is it possible that a narcissist in a relationship with a borderline woman becomes a covert borderline man?

Hi Sam, I asked this on a previous video - can someone have BPD with dormant NPD? I.e when they get badly triggered could they go into full blown NPD characteristics? Would be very interesting to hear your experience on this - thank you

Is there a way to help regulate, without becoming disregulated?

What does the defense triggering and deployment look like between a borderline and a narcissist? How does one’s neglect trigger the other’s defense mechanisms? How does that, in turn, further the aggression of the other? They fuel each other’s fires to the point of an utterly destructive supernova, but what does this look like in terms of narcissistic and borderline abuse within the couple? What are the psychodynamics behind this positive-feedback loop straight out of hell? (Huge fan! Obligatory narcissistic supply will be provided soon!)

HAVE FUN WITH YOUR BORDERLINES, KIDDOS. hahaha

Micro relationships is an understatement.....I've been with my BPD for 17 years.. it's been a cycle of peace and growth mixed WITH cheating...it used to be little one night stands...that turned into her moving in with these douchebags.....this time she MARRIED him.....all while texting me telling me how much she loves and misses me.......I refuse to give up until she gets help

That's me and I didn't know it untill now.I didn't do all of this on purpose...I'm sorry and I hope to heal. I'm trying to.

Can phase 2 and 3 play out after her discard? I distanced myself months after the discard because she became really abusive. Since then it appears like she is in phase 2 and about to enter phase 3.

Is this what you expect in EVERY relationship with a untreated borderline? As in there’s absolutely nothing you can do to live up their unrealistic expectations and the discard is inevitable?

the outro

Hans, am I the baddy?

You just described every intimate relationship I’ve had, and I’ve had several, including two marriages that ended in divorce. I ended the marriages. I’m the borderline. I’m 67 years old, and just been diagnosed. It all fits perfectly.

Does the failure of the false self in garnering a shared fantasy lead to the schizoid solution in the 3rd phase? Maybe due to aging and loss of looks or appeal? Why would the pwBPD settle for the promiscuous option, when she can find a new partner besides the most recent or exes? Or is the goal to secure a new partner through numerous one night stands where they also create a short lived fantasy all be it not shared?

I have BPD, and I'm in a healthy relationship...but sometimes I get self destructive and end up causing stupid fights etc, how can I make that problem a bit better? I tried myself, but not accurately

After nearly being killed numerous times. He left voicemail asking me to call him so he could say sorry then, we could both move on wiv are lives as easy as that!