Why do SO MANY PEOPLE in narcissistic relationships THINK THEY ARE THE NARCISSIST? 

Or they'll try to shame you by saying stuff like you wear your heart on your sleeve like caring about people and expressing that is wrong

Exactly what my ex did. Anytime I wanted to spend time with him I was being selfish and needy. Never realized till I got away from him what a horrible monster he was.

Yes

Or you’re just dismissed

The narcissist says when you get sick, "Don't be such a baby." When the narcissist gets sick it is the end of their world.

I'm 37 and have been looking for ways to be successful, please how??

Thanks to my co-worker (Alex) who suggested Ms Claudia Vecchi Nese .

She's a licensed broker in the states 🇺🇸

After I raised up to 325k trading with her I bought a new House and a car here in the states 🇺🇸🇺🇸 also paid for my son's surgery (Oscar). Glory to God.shalom.

Great to see you guys talking about her, she changed the game for me.

One time towards the end of the relationship, he started on one of he's monologues and I quietly started the timer on my phone. 28 minutes before I could get a single word in. He went on after that for another 30+ minutes while I was completely silent 🙄. I made a game of it though. If he made it over 30 minutes I would get myself a treat. I got a new pair of shoes after that diatribe. And I left 2 weeks later.

Omg! Mine loved to listen to the sound of his voice, too! I have never heard anyone else mention this! I thought it was just him! His talks would be so long! Probably at least an hour or more! I never could keep track of time during these “talks”. He would go on, and on and on! Usually, it was about what actor was in a movie. And, he’d convince me I knew who the actor was. -He loved movies and tv more than anything! I never could remember the actors name, I still have trouble with remembering actors names. Not because they are not great or anything, I just don’t watch tv or movies very often. -I just can’t handle it. Like drama type shows. Anyway, it was just hours of me listening to him. I had to agree with everything he said. And, I could never really say anything. Not even to change the subject. The problem was, he really was very smart! He got his intelligence from his dad. His dad was really smart to. He took on actual IQ test, and it was almost top level. (I have a hard time spelling, because I have a hearing loss. Autocorrect, can’t always figure out what I am trying to spell.) Anyway, it’s nice to know I am not crazy. And, it wasn’t just him. Thank you.

Amazing! Same experience for the past 10 years. He even monologues alone. Ive always felt he used his endless word excretion like a shield so no one can ask anything that may require vulnerability or honesty. Truth is their kryptonite. If you are honest with them about their behavior, it is likely that you will be called abusive.

Good way to put it! 😄

my boss would come up to my desk to ask me a question, which then after her monolouge and not allowing me even 2 seconds of space in the convo to say a single word, she ends up answering the question for me and walks away 🙄 i didn't say a single word!!?

However, as time goes by and you're no longer with that Narcissists, those behaviors start to get les & less. I was afraid of becoming my narcissistic mother. My behaviors are coming back what is normal for me.

I fear this too.

The crazy thing is that they act the way they do because of a defense mechanism imbedded when they were younger. Dealin with them for sooo long you tend to develope a similar defense. (Youd have to or youd just leave) Only difference is....I or we can change it. Its not imbedded in us.

I've been wondering if this is happening to me.

​@@mday3821thank you. It's comforting hearing that it's possible to get back to normal again. I'm sorry you've experienced such a hurtful relationship. It's heartbreaking and infuriating. Especially with a parent. 💔

I get enraged when they pulled that shit Single over 15 years now. So so good.

Oh. Don't you dare be angry or frustrated. They can be, but don't you dare!!

For sure, me too.

I feel this !!!!

COGNITIVE DISSONANCE THIS IS WHY PEOPLE GET UPSET WHEN THEIR BELIEFS ARE CHALLENGED The Free Thought A MENTAL CONFLICT OCCURS WHEN BELIEFS ARE CONTRADICTED BY NEW INFORMATION. THIS CONFLICT ACTIVATES AREAS OF THE BRAIN INVOLVED IN PERSONAL IDENTITY AND EMOTIONAL RESPONSE TO THREATS. THE BRAIN'S ALARMS GO OFF WHEN A PERSON FEELS THREATENED ON A DEEPLY PERSONAL AND EMOTIONAL LEVEL CAUSING THEM TO SHUT DOWN AND DISREGARD ANY RATIONAL EVIDENCE THAT CONTRADICTS WHAT THEY PREVIOUSLY REGARDED AS 'TRUTH'

This hits hard 😢

Narcissistic people have victims. As a survivor putting these comments are needed but seeing one in real life and reminding them it's going to be okay is priceless.

Tell me about it. Been there.

That they do and they have your mind so twisted up it's like you're playing the twister game every day to survive.

@@SylPaperworks The intimidation is so real... I was naive to think you can remain friends with them for the children's sake when it was a long marriage.... it took a psychologist for me to see the light and get untwisted from all the manipulation.

If it’s raining out somehow we had something to do with it.

the shizz they can make up too is jaw dropping and somehow, people believe them.

1000000%

I hear this all the time, but I also hear this is false from some professionals. Not sure what to believe on this.

That is sooooo true.

@@aseasonalname1421 Self aware narcissists do exist... But they are 0.0001% of narcissists... There's basically 1 self aware narcissist for every 1000 narcissists. Reason why they are called "unicorns" ALSO... They are usually on the lower spectrum of narcissism... Self aware narcissists are not as narcissistic as the average narcissist. The average narcissist is already someone who would never ask themselves if they are a narcissist...

They hate themselves. They don’t believe they are perfect. That is part of the facade they show the outside world.

That's has to be draining.

You know what's funny? Autist here as well. To say that an autistic person is selfish is, well, neuro-logically sound. There are parallels between ASPD and ASD, most of them being located in the prefrontal cortex, our decision making center. That's right. Psychology and defects in the brain are connected. Everything is pathological. Who'da thunk. Anyway. We lack affective empathy sometimes, just like psychopaths. Some have an abundance of it, but tbh, I'm pretty sure that's some autists overcompensating in cognitive empathy for their lack in affective. Low functioning autists have lower cognitive empathy. (Cognitive empathy is theory of mind, mathing out how they feel in your head instead of being inspired to feel it naturally.)

My son is autistic and he is actually exhibits empathy but it's a learned skill, not something that came naturally to him. He doesn't "feel" for people the same way other people do, but he can rationally understand and adjust his behavior to compensate for it, but it takes work. The difference is that narcissists naturally have the emotional intelligence that autistic people struggle with, and they use it to abuse and manipulate others. Your actions are what matters and if you treat people like you would want to be treated, you will never have to worry about being a narcissist.

So when you say you might be selfish, consider this: it would be weird if you weren't selfish.

Some autists actually have like a blend of disorders, this is normal too. Neurodivergents flock together. BPDs and NPDs attract each other, ASPDs target ASDs, BPDs, and NPDs alike. A lot of those disorders carry Schizo affective traits. All of them can be witnessed exhibiting narcissistic traits, too.

I dated a guy who accused me of gaslighting him

Totally. And making remarks on things that bothered and triggered my in the most civil possible manner, with much care and empathy (like: this is not a critique; please note that I love you; etc.) and being replied with: "Nothing I do is enough, you are always complaining!"

@@bruschienmartiziens ohhhh I can relate to that!! “I walk on eggshells around you, nothing is ever enough.” Are you kidding me?! I fly across the country to be with you and the minute I arrive I’m told it’s a bad time and I should get an Airbnb. What?!! Mind bending games. It’s over but, the residual effects linger.

Yup, that's one of their favorite phrases!

Fantastic, what a huge step in the right direction Your future can only get Better now, a day at a time. Bless you on your new empowering journey

I had to agree with what my husband said to me. There was no other choice. I couldn’t defend myself. I am so sorry 🌸 internet hugs.

yup n when you disagree they blame you for being controlling or not loving them- this is a strange quiet variety of narcissists i think that dont do the typical yelling or criticizing but can be very uncooperative n non-communicative (no real emotive explanative communication). this is worse as you cant check the typical narcissist boxes but it drives you to despair n hopelessness

The same here . But do u think narc would do that ? They don’t have a skill of self reflection but notoriously good at shifting the blame to others

Well said @olyap1468 They wouldn't spend each day wondering if they are at fault. They handle guilt and shame really badly (they basically can't function with it, unlike us who can regulate) and go in deny and blaming mode fast and try to stay there the best they can to cope. They don't want to work on themselves really, because someone who does, has to see and make peace with the ugly parts of themselves. They are way too scared of that and have no patience or strength to do the real work. They think they can heal their deep issues in a week lmao, they don't have a clue, they never did much deep and hard work, that's why they have magic thinking. If they apologize, it's mostly to keep you as supply or if they're about to lose you. Someone who is truly sorry, will not only apologize, but change the toxic pattern. If it looks like it's changing, it's only for a very short time thing or it's another mask and sometimes it's a bit harder to see or takes a while. We spend our relationship with them completely confused, alienated and crippled by self doubt. Once out, it takes a lot of time to not doubt and gaslight ourselves still. So even if we know rationally we are not the asshole or toxic one, emotionally, it's not so simple and easy. But life will prove you time and time again that they don't correct their behaviors or patterns long term. You do. They have poor self awareness. You do not. You'll notice that they can't seem to have any real/deep and healthy relationship that lasts with anyone, while you can with more stable people, people that aren't focused on controlling you to regulate. I have to remind myself a lot to not look myself through the narc's (or toxic people's) perception of me. As an empath, we go into people's shoes and judge ourselves through their eyes. Cause we understand them, we feel what they feel, we can see how they could be upset and since we've been conditionned to always take the blame and responsibility, it's easy for them to manipulate us into trusting their version of us more than our own. But there are people that should not be allowed our empathy, that we shouldn't go into to figure out if we are the problem. Their vision of us is distorted anyway. Maybe you feel like you may be the problem when you try to see yourself through the abuser or people that misunderstands you? I know I do all the time. I'm working on it, but was only aware of that recently, that my mind wanted so bad answers about how people were perceiving me, I was going into the mind of people who weren't good to me to figure it out, since I couldn't trust myself anymore. You'll always find the same confusing answers in them, but it will never feel really right either, because it's just not who you are. How do you see yourself through the eyes of those who understands you? Or through your own eyes, when you are at peace and in touch with your soul? Another proof that you are not the problem but the one that got gaslighted to oblivion, is that you are riddled with self doubt everyday. Were you that bad before you met that person? Bless you and focus back on yourself and your soul family when you self doubt.

Same

That thing about being yourself and exploring what you are interested they try to shut it down it’s immoral it’s a shame that weak willed people will not speak I have.

Let me be the first to tell you from painful experience, LEAVE. That won't change, it will morph and get worse. There will come a point to where she might "change" and start having more sex and trying to satisfy you. That will last about a month or two and the reason they do it, is to give you what you always wanted, and then take it away. Let me tell you, that is super painful. These people are emotionally absent and horrible. Don't make excuses for her, just leave. Find someone that wants to be with you too.

Was there for five yrs and the more the narcissist losses control the angry they get. It is literally hell on earth. Take care of yourself...even if it's little things.❤

There now with hubby that is overcoming prostate cancer..... giving him tons of support and encouragement but only get hostility, contempt , and all kinds of meanness from him...... Lord help us..... therapy is helping me.... Dr Ramani is great on this subject

This 😞🥹🥲

I am care giver for my step son who is 16. He is a narcissist. Manipulates me using his handicap and pain. I am trying to get out of this. VERY difficult.

Yes! I am 20 years into my marriage with a spouse that has been seriously ill for 15 years of that and I am struggling with how to get away from someone that is at their lowest point ever without feeling guilty. I am trying to remind myself that he was mean and selfish before becoming sick but I am in too deep to convince myself that it is not okay now.

It improves. Like Dr says be gentle with yourself

@elizabethalexander6528 thank you, yes... I'm very mindful to be gentle., and still process. I may have to re read "IT'S NOT YOU " a few times, gladly. Lol

Being able to break down the conversation is important. And saying why do you think that. Himngiving you examples and asking him what did you feel when you did that? What outcome were you looking for? Have you done that before? That also helps.

#metoo , but sometimes I'm still not convinced .

The same here, in general I tend to pick up quickly any blaim and believe it my fault.

Not always true

You did nothing wrong!!!! Your brightness and happiness is for you and your life. You exist for you, not as supply or to serve narcissistic people.

Hey stay strong, You will get out of this stronger

Different generations handle things differently... they see things differently

"if we wanted to hear comments from the peanut gallery, we'd ask"

@hotsweetness99 very narcissistic answer thank you for revealing yourself to others...

@@richardjohanson6421looks like he bounced. I’m wondering what the comment was…

You feel hollow because you realise everything is right there in front of your eyes...

Exactly. And they lie over and over. I began to keep a journal of events because 6 months later he would say that never happened. I began to wonder if I was crazy until my Journaling. That made him so mad!!

People who were out from narcissistic relationship will often face a long duration of doubt, if they were the overdramatic one while the narc remains collected and enjoying life. Then the victim voice got further shoved down their throat as the narcissist had long created a narrative that their partner is the cause of their unhappiness and resentment before the final discard. Then they will create another narrative as if they were the only hurt one and they finally strong enough to leave. All this had been nothing more than a twisted mind games.

Run, please run.

He is correct though he says it mockingly. He knows it is true, and is gaslighting you. He uses this tactic to manipulate you. It will not stop. Accept that or leave.

same here- leads to despair n hypervigilance about my behaviors before i even act or speak

@@hashh2019for me it leads to people pleasing cause I don’t want to hurt people then I’m hurt again.

I hear you. We repeat the patterns that have been modeled for us. I used to enact a lot of toxic patterns because of the examples I was given. As I have healed from my complex trauma, I have become healthier and less toxic, less narcissistic, with better boundaries and self-compassion. I hope you continue to find ways to be your best self for you as well as the people you love. Congratulations on your recovery. 🫂

same here girl, if this helps validate your feelings n the hopelessness n despair it causes. hugs n may healing n confidence come back to you. use good positive words for yourself n uplift your soul with positive activities n thoughts.

@hashh2019 you know what.. its so important to have a therapist to help you.. someone who understands this. My therapist told me I should have been over it by now. I'm obsessed. She called me obsessed. When he left I told him, you spent so much time with me, if you knew it wasn't working from the beginning like you said, why did you stay, and he didn't have an answer. After the whole storm he threw on me I asked him tell me one good thing abt me. He stared blank at my face and said the only thing good abt you was that you had a good heart, other than that you were shit from the beginning. And there are other things. I'm a very practical and logical person. So I have started to write everything he said down. And often I sit and analyze all that. When this happened what was I doing.. did u really hurt him.. why did I hurt him.. did I say this, why did I say it.. etc. Same with my parents. I write and think why and how.. and try to find an answer. I fell into this relationship because I didn't know this was wrong. You know if you have narc parents they prepare you for this. You think this is the way to be.. I don't know what to say. I have lost so much.. its a mess.. and ya. Sometimes I feel like all this micro questioning drives me nuts. I don't talk to anyone cos they'll think I'm nuts. I don't want that Tomorrow when things become okay.. they should have this nutty image of me. Ppl don't forgive easily you know. They don't give you a chance.

I asked him to get a proper comforter for his bed. Could've been something inexpensive. I started lugging over a sleeping bag. He still wouldn't take the hint.

So horrible. No one deserves that. But you are not what they say you are. You are valuable and important. Continue persisting ❤️

Stay strong!

@bruschienmartiziens Thanks so much for the support🤗

@plegeplege Don't fall for it You will just be re-living the cycle of abuse again & again

Don't go back there. It is really not worth it. Stay strong. You can do it ❣️

@maevebutler4641 I know. I won't go back. There are parts of my brain that keeps reminding me of all the fun and happy times. But, thanks to the advice from Dr. Ramani, in one of her videos, I had made a long list with very bad memories to help me defeat my own brain😂 And it really helps! Thank you very much for caring🤗

I would love to send you empowering hugs and good thoughts from my home in Australia. I not so long ago also was very close to, ending my life Thankfully a beautiful angel, my neighbour came over for a chat with a kind caring lawyer friend Through kindness, guidance showing me I was worthy I hadn't discussed my thoughts with anyone, but you see there are fabulous caring people amongst us, quietly guiding PRN Bless them and Dr Ramani I am here Moved on Wasn't a easy road But you also can move on and find peace within Find your happy place Don't let Narc,s disembowel you You are worthy❤

@@JohannaVanDreumel 🥰🥰🩷