Why Everyone's Favorite Video Game is Idiotic - Escort Mission 

I totally understand what he's talking about. I'm very disappointed with Assassins Creed too, but it's hard to describe the franchise without it sounding totally awesome.

If you're like me, you wouldn't even care if they completely removed the animus from the game and just let the series be what we love: a historic stabbing simulator that lets us climb up on top of really cool architecture and meet dead people.

"assassin's creed?" "no, it's called uh... history ninjas! "

"The one that isn't a Tim Burton film" XD

Escort Mission is quickly becoming my fav

"Everyone's Favorite Video Game" "Assassin's Creed: Unity" lol ok

"so its like scientology" "... god damnit!"

Scientology. Best analogy ever. This is why i watch Cracked

"it's uhhh History Ninjas" "likes video"

PREACH IT. PREACH IT! SWAIM YOU ARE ON POINT WITH THAT! I LOVE THE AC SERIES BUT DAMN IT. IT HAS TO END. OR ELSE IT WILL BECOME LIKE CoD. No sane person wants that.

It's not the premise, it's the execution that's terrible.

"So it's scientology?" Me; :o ..... XD I am so surprised by how unoffended I am, he must be right! LoL!! Really, I just love this series so much, I'm not even mad. BUT HE'S JUST SO RIGHT!!

yeah could so totally make more assassins creed games and end the fucking annoying sub plot. just publish every new game under the banner of "shit from the past yo" and go back through all the other cool ninjas or something.

I'm glad Michael agrees: Bloodborne > Assassin's Creed.

I was gonna say it's Stargate crossed with Lost (in all the worst ways), but Scientology works too.

This is quickly becoming one of the best series you do. As a N00B and one with multiple friends who are L33T, I love this series. It's making me like video games way more. If you take requests, I'd like to see how you destroy/compliment Battlefront.

"It's called History Ninjas" I'm done XD

Me: Seems like it'll be alright "No it's called the history ninjas" Me: *Immediately gives video a thumbs up*

half way through the Vid i even thought "hey this sounds a lot like scientology!" Lmao.

There's an Assassin's Creed game in Constantinople? I thought it took place in Istanbul.

The trick to beating the second "level" of bloodborne is to go grind a bunch in the first main area so you can level up some stats and get some health stuff. Then learn how to lock on, dodge, and use your weapon transformation attacks to destroy your foes.

As a fan of the Soul Reaver series, I know all about convoluted stories that make no sense and don't have a satisfying ending.

"Tim Burton game with the whimsy surgically removed." Fucking on point.

Okay real talk, this is Cracked's best series at the moment right?

Holy shit this was entertaining, it had a natural feel, while obviously being scripted. It hit that balance just fucking right, I want more of this.

You beat Bloodborne by banging your head against it until you get good. Simple

Holy shit, that punchline. XD

Hey, at least you have an idea about how it ends. My game spans into multiple platforms in a convoluted storyline that promises to end, but it doesn't and you have no idea what is coming next, only to stretch it out in another chapter where you battle your way just to get that additional piece of relevant story. At least Assassin's Creed isn't Kingdom Hearts. Be thankful.

I love looking at the tan lines up your shorts. hoping to see some ball sac. will keep replaying.

I like that Assassin's Creed makes the necessary video game silliness " if you die it just backs you up a little and you try again" make sense. That having been said I stopped playing years ago.

"No, that would be...sweet." my sides are gone

what if they made a assassin's Creed game we're you play as a actual ninja in ancient japan

That was the best punchline for any 5-minute video I've ever seen.

This is one of the best videos in this series. Keep it up guys. Thanks!

"So it's like scientology" I really hope Tom Cruise shows up in future Assassin's Creed games now.

one of my favorite cracked series, keep it up!

Amazing camera work at the end, 10/10 by IGN! 😂😂😂😂

Favorite show on the channel. Keep it up!

Goes from endgame boss to starting zone trash mob in thirty seconds of dialogue

"So it's like Scientology." - I will never play this game again -

Tim Burton's Bloodborne. I love it.

Very fair critique of one of my favorite gaming franchises. You know you love something when you can also laugh at it's flaws and still have a good time. Good video Cracked.

Great video guys!

You missed in AC2 where Desmond fought everyone from Abstergo when they found the hideout.

"So it's like Scientology?" "...GODDAMMIT!"

I love this series

I love escort mission! i need this series to continue.

If you're looking to beat the second level of Bloodborne (I'm assuming you mean the part after beating the Cleric Beast), what you're going to want to do first is travel to the first lantern at the top of the ladder. Hopefully by now you have already unlocked the shortcut to take that lantern towards the bridge the Cleric Beast fight takes place. If you haven't then load up at the Cleric Beast lantern and open that shortcut. The next step is to either go through or around the house. If you haven't already opened the doors then you'll have to go around the house and fight the two big guys. The best strategy against them is to either shoot them whenever they are about to slam you in order to get the visceral attack, or you can strafe around them and go for the rear attack (one charged attack should put them on one knee and then follow up with a regular attack in order to land a rear visceral attack. If you don't know what a visceral attack is yet that is okay. I didn't know what they were for until my second playthrough.) Now that you've opened the door, go on through the house and head down the stairs until you run into the dogs. Most of them will never come out of there cages, but you'll find two before the bridge, another will attack you from the left side in front of the bridge, and finally there will be one more on the other end of the bridge. At this point you can talk to the old woman who will just yell at you and ask for a safe place to stay. I would suggest just leaving her for now. Next you'll be going down into the sewers, down here you'll find some beasted out hunters. Most of them are pretty strong and pretty fast, but as long as you dodge well enough their all pretty easy. In here you'll find an opportunity for a secret character quest, but you can find details of her all over RU-vid. Her name is Eileen the Crow. She's pretty awesome and I would say the quest rewards are worth looking for her. Anyway, in the sewers you'll find about a dozen of these beast enemies. Just remember to pull only one at a time and you'll be fine. Once you start heading lower into the sewers you'll find rats (totally annoying, but doable. Not like sexy doable. I mean, unless you're in to that. No judgements.) Eventually you'll find a giant ladder that leads back up to the city. Here you should cross the bridge and find a giant guy (like super giant. Holding either a big rock or a corpse.). Kill him and head up the next ladder. In the house at the top of the ladder you can talk to a little girl who asks you to look for her mother and father. Keep talking to her and she'll give you a music box. Equip this box to your items (Trust me. Put equip that thing.) Anyway, go back down into the sewer and continue through until you find some weird enemies that crawl around in the water. Just keep jump attacking and walking backwards and you should be good. Eventually you'll come to a tunnel, don't go down this tunnel. You will die. There should be a ladder to the side of the tunnel. Go up the ladder and you might have to fight some enemies here real quick, but don't go to far up the bridge yet. Near where the ladder was you should find a small building with a switch in it. Step on the little square on the ground and this will open up the elevator that works as a shortcut from the first lantern I mentioned all the way to the bridge. Now that you have an easy way to the bridge, you can kill the enemies in this area, but if you go too far forward on the bridge an enemy will light up a giant ball of straw and through it at you. This thing can kill most of the enemies, but it will also kill you. Finally at the end of the bridge you'll find another large enemy and a beasted hunter with a shield. Just like the big guys earlier, try to strafe around him and slam him in the back. Next you'll be going up a set of stairs. There are two enemies to the right at the top of these stairs. Kill them or run strait to the fog door. I would suggest killing them though. Through the fog door is the second boss fight. He is a pain and has three stages. In stage one he attacks with an axe and shotgun, just like the weapons that a hunter can start with. The shotgun blast can be a real pain, but his range isn't all that great in this form and most of his attacks are majorly telegraphed. If you're having trouble with this fight you can usually just get him stuck on the other side of some tombstones and do jump attacks. This should allow you to jump in for a hit and then back up without taking any damage as long as he doesn't shoot too much. In the second stage of the fight he will extend the length of his axe and it will turn into a two handed weapon. Sometimes he will still be able to shoot you, but for the most part he should only attack with the axe. Be careful here because the range of the axe is pretty far and it can do some pretty heavy damage pretty fast. Again, if you're having trouble, the tombstone trick works here too. The final stage is where things start to get really tricky. Now to start, go ahead and use that music box that I told you to equip. If you use it while he transforms he'll fall to his knees and grab his head. You can use this time to doe some extra damage while he's down. For the rest of this fight he will be a giant werewolf. The tombstone trick no longer works at this point. He'll just crush them and hit you anyway. He can also through you into them so hard that they break. It hurts. Evade as much as you can. Another note, do not back away too much or he will do a big jump attack that does a ton of damage and launches you. The launch will send you far enough for him to do the jump attack again and you might not have time to get away from him after getting launched. For the most part just make sure to stay close to him and as long as you circle around you should be good. If this fight is giving you a lot of trouble you may want to invest in upgrading your weapon or leveling your character. Good luck managing all of this and if you did. CONGRATULATIONS!! Now prepare to get murdered about a thousand more times before you beat the actual game.

God I love this channel.

This was beautiful.

. . . like a Tim Burton film with all the whimsy surgically removed. funny This video was really well written. I loved it.

That was actually funny. Good work guys.

this is the best escort mission to date. well done gentlemen.

these are awesome

Best escort mission yet. Clever stuff.

Oh my god you named it slightly appropriately. I love you.

Lol "time traveling parkour history ninjas" sounds awesome!

Score! Keep em coming! Literally these are me and my roommate in an nutshell.

Man, I love that History Ninja

Totally agree. The whole series would have been _so_ much better if they left out the the whole all the future/animus/magic/alien stuff and just made it story about a struggle for power between the templars and the assassins.

"Time traveling ninjas". Lol!

Lol this theme is still my ringtone ten years later

Beating level two of Blooborne? Oh sure. Get good.

Slowly becoming my favorite skit. Next to OPCD, of course

"History Ninjas." I am so stealing that.

I wish I could thumbs up this video more than once. Awesome.

Yeah, that undead giant hits really hard.

I was literally drinking water at 4:05 when he said "Goddamn it". I literally spewed water all over my screen. Goddamnit.

PROTIP: to defeat the cyberdemon, shoot at it until it dies.

Gotta' love that intro music.

Yaaaay! History Ninjas!!!!

Travolta's high, Cruise is low. XD

There's one thing Michael kinda got wrong, after Desmond dies you no longer play as a blood relative. The Templars uses Desmond's DNA to create a new Animus as a gaming system in order for random people to play through Desmond's DNA memories

Best explanation for Assassins Creed evar

I still love it. Or at least the Ezio series and Black Flag. So awesome.

U love how he mentioned stargate. I love me some SG1 humor!

Daaaaaang! Nice one!

Slashy slashy dodgy dodgy, there, you just beat Bloodborne.

Welcome to the future of Star Wars. You will live your whole life without resolution.

this and after hours are my favorites

Mostly, he described the story found within AC2, the one most fans agree is the pinnacle--gameplay wasn't as dully repetitive as the first and the story still held together pretty well. Where it fell apart was in 3. Well, Revelations was a the beginning cracks with Desmond's story taking a sudden and irredeemable turn. But 3 was unable to unable to recover from the twist, plus the "ninja" of the game had almost no personality and yet was somehow (unbelievably so) tied to almost every major event of the American Revolution. By 4 (the Pirate game) the Desmond story was tossed aside and you were given some attempt at a meta story about a game developer being the evil guys. But, what must be experienced first hand is that the stories of each assassin (history ninja) become more and more convoluted and dragged out. The Pirate Ninja Edward Kenway was fun to play. But I honestly can't recall any aspects of his story which I think is because there were just too many disparate elements to it which never really coalesced into a coherent storyline that you could remember. Plus all the assassins (history ninjas) have a somewhat similar arc with similar missions and other characters that despite the colorful coating of historic themes can easily be confused one with the other. Technical bugs and glitches aside (which have largely been corrected) AC Unity is the worst offender for being convoluted. Why anything is happening in that game, I couldn't tell you without rewatching a video of it and taking notes. Even then I can't be sure it'd come together very clearly. But here's the thing. All the stuff that started in AC2 is still pretty compelling. Heck, that's how it sucked in so many fans. And some people keep playing the games hoping to recapture the feel of adventure and intrigue and mystery that was spawned in that game and its immediate sequel, Brotherhood.

Coming this fall one ninja goes back in time so he doesn't look weird in real life HISTORY NINJA!! Dunndunna

lol michael doesn't know how to parry brick-wielding trolls

"Every assassin's creed takes place in a different time" Except Unity and Syndicate, which are basically the exact same game.

Here's how to beat every "level" of Bloodborne: learn the enemies' attack patterns, time your dodges well, attack at the right moment.

The related by blood thing ended with Desmond and when Abstergo made Animi that don't have to be operated by people who are related directly to the characters they're controlling.

Blackflag gave this series a life that it could not sustain.

"No, it's called...History Ninjas" lmao

"Put on Tropic Thunder" would have been a better joke to end on. Tom Cruise was great in that.

god he makes the story sound so fuckinh good

Oh yeah, I love History Ninjas

I can't thumbs up this video enough

I love the story about the precursor race in the past I think it's cool.

AC =Ancient Aliens: The Video Game. When the First Civ was teased at the end of AC1 it was intriguing like AA then the Truth in AC2 made into an awesome conspiracy that was leading to a huge climax. Then the annual releases happened. Now the concept or what tiny fragments are left of it is being slowly dragged out and is just boring as fuck like the actual AA series (which is still running). Like seriously is Juno even doing anything at this point? Oh I can find out what she's doing if I do side missions/collect stuff in Unity _and_ Rouge? How convenient for Ubisoft that I must buy both games.....ARGH THIS SERIES!!

The trick is to wait for games to wind up in the twenty dollar bin. Yearly releases makes that pretty quick for AC games.

History Ninjas...

You forgot to mention the need to own multiple game consoles in addition to the $60/year if you want the complete (but never really complete) storyline

So true!

Everyones favourite franchise stopped being our favourite after AC3

So it's like scientology... F-ing brilliant!