When I started therapy, my mom's insurance only covered so much per session and I ended up with $86/session. I felt so bad for needing that help and having my mom constantly asking if it was helping/working and to just "be happy." Once we switched to my dad's insurance, they covered the entire cost of therapy. That guilt went away practically overnight. Having affordable mental health care is so so important.
the worst part is even when you are on the path of a "good asian kid" what now? what do you do? what was the pressure for? the only two outcomes are either disappointment and simply relief and little satisfaction rn, it sucks
@Kyle Spevak the thing is in asian culture you're just not told often or even remotely encouraged to do stuff for yourself truly. I'm working on it but it's not easy at all
No, the worst part when you're on the path of a "good asian kid" is that the moment you stumble at some point in your life (which is inevitable cuz that's how lyfe rolls), all hell breaks loose as the world starts crumbling around you as your parents start piling on insane pressure to "get you back on track". That's pretty much the key reason why so many seemingly superstar Asian kids commit suicide.
@@kylespevak6781 in Asian cultures you’re taught from a very young age that living for yourself is selfish and something only “bad people” do. Obviously you become an adult and realize this is bullshit, it’s much harder to reprogram the brain to stop thinking that though
The saddest part is this never goes away. You could graduate, get a good job, get married, and have kids but because you're not a doctor or an engineer they would still mark you as the disappointment of the family. And when you do succeed, they expect to be showered with praise and gratitude. Simu Liu mentioned how his parents graciously accepted the fruits of his success after never supporting his ambitions as an actor. I'm sure we can relate to that in some way.
also your self worth is likely not bound to specific achievements (like become a doctor or making lots of grandkids), but your parents telling you "hey youre good enough now", which they likely never will do. hard pill to swallow is you will never be happy like that and eventually you reach a point where being the best and more grandious achievements arent possible. like youre a doctor. "ok now give us grandkids" you do that "ok now why not become faculty leader" "why arent your kids all straight A" it never ends. your parents feeling of easy (its likely not even happiness, just their parent's overcritical voice in their head shutting up for a while) is inherently tied to you. they are actually the dependent ones, not you. They raise you to be entirely dependent on them for gratification, the way they raised you is aimed towards you never developing a sense of worth that anyone but them can determine. its how they got raised and their parents got raised and nobody knows how to actually be happy anymore and what they want and everyone gets haunted by their critical parent's voice for their entire life. the only way is to say fuck all of this lets your parents be unhappy with you (and themselves) , i will develop my own sense of selfworth and my own goals. once you really start determining that your self worth is just there and unconditional, life actually becomes easy mode, you lose self hate, you lose anxiety because failing wont puinish your self worth and doing stuff that your true self actually wants is incredibly easy because you dont have to fight against anyone internally.
I'd love to show this to my asian parents...but then I just know they'd listen for like 5 minutes, turn off the video and then tell me how RU-vid is a bad influence and I have too many video games and how I need to be taken down a peg and etc etc 😅
I felt this video as a blasian American. My dad, not Asian, cared what others think so much he’d buy me nice clothes I cared very little for. Sometimes it felt like I was Failing because I didn’t care but I cared what my parents thought. Wasn’t good enough for my parents, wasn’t good enough to be Asian, wasn’t good enough to be black, these were my thoughts but becoming an adult I realize I’m fine. I have 0 expectations for myself I can’t reach. I’m me, I’m not black, I’m not Asian, I’m not lazy, I’m not stupid, I’m trying my best!
You get to play two cards at the same time. Play black card to get into medschool - you just have to turn up to get in. Then, when it gets to getting into residency, start carrying katana with you everywhere :D Beat the system :D
My situation is different then yours in that I'm an adopted Chinese kid. My parents didn't over pressure me or anything (they're white) but I totally get the not being good enough. 1. I was the Asian parent I didn't have 2. I was too Asian to be American 3. I wasn't culturally Chinese to be considered Chinese (within China, but frankly any facet of Chinese culture, ABCs etc). I (random internet stranger) am really proud of you for coming to that realization that you ARE enough.
@@NeuroScientician no. This whole notion that you “just have to turn up to get in” is false and disrespectful to black medical students bro. That’s not how it works at all.
Precisely the way to live. Like I'm not white, I'm not German, I'm just me. My race doesn't mean anything to my identity. Now I know everyone struggles with their own personal identity struggles but this is where I am at and what I think fits me and could fit other people. Hope you can find out what idea/mindset would help you most 👍
I am a a first generation Russian American and this video really resonated with me. When I was born my parents decided that I was going to be a doctor. I had to get the highest grades, be a top performing athlete, and be perfectly behaved or else I would be verbally berated or beaten into compliance. When I was sixteen I almost took my life because the pressure was too high and I couldn’t bear living with them. When I went to college my parents refused to sign off on my student loans unless they could choose my major. I quickly realized I did not want to be a doctor so I changed my major to accounting. When my parents found out (first week of summer vacation my junior year) they kicked me out on the streets during the middle of the pandemic. I was homeless for months. Despite being homeless and severely in debt (from student loans) I was happier than I ever because I didn’t have my parents constantly screaming at me or threatening me. Immigrant culture can be so toxic, I wish more people talked about it. Thank you for making this video
I hope you're in a much better place now. You are an adult who is capable of making their own decisions, if you want to try accounting again I hope you're able to go for it.
@@infinitecurlie thank you for the kind words. I am currently finishing up my accounting degree, and I will soon start working in global finance leadership!
Dude I'm so sorry you had to go through that. I've been homeless too for different reasons but also after a falling out with my parents in college (same boat as you as I had only focused on grades during high school and didn't have any of my own money saved. They would also manipulate me into controlling things in my life by threatening financial security. It sucks. I hope you found good resources and I hope you're doing ok now.
My family came as émigré in the revolution, and honestly, the situation for me hasn't been much better. 😓 Thanks for commenting and representing those from our region, (The Eurasian region: North Asia, Eastern Europe, Central Asia ) we don't really get much representation... , at least stateside. And at least that isn't propaganda. >,< Also, shout out to everyone who has dealt with this. Hang in there, we're all here for you, you aren't a failure and it's okay to be human!! ❤
11:58 you know around early high school I actually did say that. Every time I came home with a 96 or a 98 on a test my dad would just say, "well why didn't you get 100?". I'm sure he thought he was being a good dad by saying that but it would make me feel small after being happy I triumphed over a hard exam. So one day he said that to me and I told him flat out. I said, "dad, I tried the hardest I could to get a good grade on this test and I did. I'm happy with the grade I got. I don't need to be perfect, I just need to do the best I can. Is that enough for you? I know you want to push me to do well but I am doing well and it makes me feel not good when you ask me why I didn't do better when I already did great." And you know he down played me and said it wasn't that big of a deal but he acknowledged that he didn't want to make me feel bad when I'm probably already beating myself over that missed point or two. It took a lot of repeating but eventually I would come home with a grade and he would just say, "good job, I'm proud of you". I don't think parents realize just how far, "good job, I'm proud of you" can go but it massively helped my self esteem and mental health
I’m really happy you were able to voice your feelings at that time. I suffered with, and still suffer with communication problems, though I’m working on improving it. Watching this video and reading your comment made me realize how differently things would’ve been if I was just able to find the words, like you were able to, even once. However, I recognize and remember that even my lack of communication skills stemmed from earlier experiences. Can’t help but feel I’ve been put at a major disadvantage here, and tbh I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to forgive my family or myself for the shit I had to go through.
My problem is that my mother did that to me. But my second problem is that no matter how I try to bring the problem up, she contradicts everything I say and accepts no responsibility for anything. She has no clue why she behaves the way she does or says the things she says. She just behaves. No matter what she has said or done, even to clearly bully me, it's my responsibility to always have good feelings and accept everything. She always started with "why did you only get B+" and then if I turned sour and bitter enough, a C suddenly became acceptable.
Nowadays, they seem to be evolving, "Oh you did not get into harvard degree? it is ok, there is always masters.", "Oh, you did not get into masters at harvard? It is ok, there is always Phd ( permanent head damage) ", "Oh, you did not get Phd at harvard? It is ok, you can teach there".
My parents acted similar but couldn’t break out of it because they had kids as investments. We were meant to be solutions to their depression and financial issues, which is obviously very stupid. If we didn’t succeed, it gave them panic and anxiety which would lead to the reprimanding, bearings, torture sessions, getting kicked out of the house, etc
I feel like I'm never enough for my mom. I'm pursuing a PhD in a math-heavy compsci field (which is totally new to me) and I can't even talk about the difficulties I'm facing because every time I do talk about it, "see I told you not to go with this because you're just not cut out for it" is all I ever get. If it's not that then it's "you're not trying hard enough". Thanks mom. My situation is not as bad as other people's but I feel discouraging sometimes.
Respect for having to guts to pursue that. I'm sorry for that difficult discouragement... I hope deep down your mother is immensely proud of the person you are.
That's when you start drawing boundaries. Because it's not that you can't do it - what she's saying isn't a reflection of you at all but a reflection of herself and how she feels inadequate. (Tho I understand how difficult that can be. I have some people and there's topics I just don't talk to them about) You can get through these courses and achieve that PhD. You're doing the best you can with what you have, and don't beat yourself up over not having it worse. You are a person who is going through a difficult experience and it is ok to feel down about it.
OMG, are you me?! My mom insisted that I wasn't good enough at math because of some problems I had in 4th grade, never mind that I overcame them and skipped a level of math in 8th grade.
@@infinitecurlie completely agree. there is a point where you realize the things she is saying are her own personal perception which is guided by what she is thinking - it doesn't mean that anything she is saying is actually true or at all applicable/useful to you. I've been berated by my parents for choosing a degree in ecology and told it was a joke, which funnily enough they backtracked on once they saw me get accepted to a PhD at Oxford (and kept pursuing this career regardless of what they told me). At some point I realized that objectively, I'm pretty damn good at what I'm doing if I can get into a university like that, and whatever they believe or say about me isn't the truth. I've learned to selectively tell my dad things about my academic life to minimize the amount of negativity he can throw back at me. Your mom can't speak to you in a helpful way and it's a point where you have to think, why am I still allowing myself to be shaped by someone's thoughts who isn't even an 'expert' at this thing they are judging me on?
Are you USA Asian Kid? Could you explain are there at US Universities some embargo limits for students identifying as Asians or what? dr K said that while being Asian you need to be in 23% top pre-med students who are applying to medical school, Caucasian 30%, Latino 54%, Black 73%... and I don't get it? I understood that he is talking like these all students were applying to the same Medical Schools so don't all these students are competing with each other on the same tests as they are all the same students who are applying? I understood he is talking about USA specific and not that in ASIA CONTINENT there are more applying students for medical schools so there is harder to get there and in AFRICA CONTINENT there are less applying students so it's easier there but he is talking about Medical Schools just in USA? So how is it mathematically and logically possible that the percentages of the best admitted students could differ?
@@bluetank1111 in NA there is a heavy focus on being racially diverse. a good example is how i got a job at my local college not because i was better than the other applicants, but because i'm asian and they had to fill a diversity quota lol (a certain amount of each race to make the company seem like they care about this stuff)
While you might not be able to show him this video, please tell him you are proud of him for getting good grades because he might not be getting that from his parents
The thing with saving face .... thats so fitting. I hate when my parents do that. Status driven people who are addicted on external validation are the worst.
I am neither Asian or American, but coming from hard working parents who routinely put their own needs and desires aside for others, this still resonates a lot.
As an Asian American having gotten out of the household for university, it's such a relief, and during holidays when I visit home, my negative feelings tend to creep back in. My mom's slowly getting the message from me that I have boundaries and that she needs to support me emotionally, but this happened after my parents found out my self cutting and required hospitalization at a university... so again, in reaction to "things parents can see"
My mom is a 4'11" Korean lady, a piano teacher, first generation immigrant, and very Christian. Being the first born son, I had the fortune of being blasted by the highest of expectations from the scariest Korean mom. I realized that she put her self worth into the achievements of her children, and especially me, her firstborn. Luckily she has gotten better, but that was one rough childhood.
That's rough buddy. My mom hoped I would get into top schools and be an accountant or something. Instead I went to a mid-tier arts school and graduated to pursue a career in philosophy. She thinks I'm retarded, and tbh I probably am.
Oh man I'm sorry 😞 I'm not Korean, but a large portion of my classmates in middle & high school are Korean. And holy crap, that school was so competitive bcs all the Korean parents want their kids to get into Ivy League, and other parents also got even more competitive because of it. It was hell.
@@meguca201 hopefully she will accept you as time goes on. What it took for my mom to drop the "tough love" bullshit was for me to go through an absolute early life crisis. I worked 80+ hours for a week, fell asleep at the wheel, lost the money I saved from the summer because of the car and medical bills, all while dealing with an abusive girlfriend. My ex had borderline personality disorder, and was incredibly manipulative. Some of the things she did to me included cheating, cutting herself, and threatening to kill herself because of me. Of course I didn't tell any of this to mother. When I needed her the most, she had nothing but vindictive, self pittying bullshit, as she yelled at me for hours straight. I went straight into my second year of college, and my girlfriend left me right before classes started. To rub it in more, she basically called me a loser, and told me that I'm not on her level or whatever. I started off the semester incredibly well. I got good grades initially, but I was running on fumes by that point. It was only a matter of time before I completely broke down. I stopped going to class, I stayed in my room playing computer games all day, learned everything there is to know about Warhammer 40,000, and slept. No matter how much I slept, I just couldn't get any of my energy back. As time went on, I lost my on campus job because I was so fucking depressed, and couldn't bother to show up. When my boss called me in to fire me, I broke down crying and explained my situation. He softened a bit and quietly terminated me. That's when my suicidal ideation really started. I was depressed for a while, yet that was when I actually wanted to kill myself. This went on for months until I had another mental breakdown, and turned myself into the psychiatric ward. The hospital called my parents, and to their credit, they drove an hour and a half to a hospital near campus to check up on me. I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder, and was discharged in a few days. I finished my second semester absolutely bombing classes I would have normally thrived in. I was so angry at everyone and everything. Even though it isn't their job, I was mad at my professors for not asking how I was. They didn't ask any questions when a generally high achieving student with a strong aptitude for music, history, and political science suddenly stops coming to class? I was mad at my parents for not being there for me when I needed them the most. I was mad at god for putting me through so much pointless suffering. I finally put my brain together over the summer by working my ass off again, but not totalling a car. I feel like I've aged a million years in the past two years, and had to process so much shit. On the plus side, I'm not suicidal anymore, and I was able to process a lot of the shit I went through. I still have my ups and downs with my mom, but our relationship is getting a lot better. Unfortunately it took me barely winning a battle with suicide for her to care, but better late than never, I guess.
I had a realization recently. I turned out to be kind of a "bad Asian kid" because I rebelled against my parents (despite having good grades and going to a top school, I basically burned out after that). I thought a lot of my struggles in life was because I felt exhausted and helpless fighting against my parents who don't understand me. And then I talked about this with my sister, who kept up the act of a "good Asian kid". Despite us being both in our 30s now, she still feels like nothing she does is ever good enough for our parents. And she has a freaking PhD in a STEM field from a famous school.
I'm wasian and as a child I was beat by my mum (an asian). She abused me mentally and psychically. One of the reasons was school. I would get hit when I got a grade not good enough or didn't understand a topic after she explained it to me. Also house chores were a reason. She stopped caring about my grades 3-4 years ago but I still feel that internal pressure she instilled in me to stay on top of class. I can't get rid of belief that A is a default/standard grade. I am about to graduate high school and I'm suffering with symptoms of depression for few years and I finally made a decision to go to a therapy. So if you're reading this and struggle with same sh*t - you're not alone, go get help. By not getting help you're actually working against yourself.
I needed a Dr K in my life throughout middle and high school. Being that burnt out "gifted" student who coasted through tests but failed classes because I never did my homework made my parents and teachers mad and puzzled at me. Each time I'd fail a class and get counseling, the teacher would look at my record and ask "*You* were an AIMS student?" and the guilt would get even worse. Since college I've been in a healthier place after my parents finally settled on more realistic expectations and I'm doing ok for myself now. For all the asian kids/parents who are definitely not reading this: It's ok to be average, doctor/dentist/lawyer isn't the only path to happiness.
Not Asian but I definitely had pressure on me to be a "good kid" "smart" "behaved", yet none of those were defined for me even when I directly asked what was expected of me and what do those things mean. I grinded really hard and would get punished and rewarded for the same outcomes, it made no sense to me. My father got on me all the time and punished me if I didn't get all A's, and always false promised more privileges or rewards like video games or money if I preformed. I finally gave up after I came home with actual straights A's (including honors classes) and my dad looked at my report card and I said "but that's an "A- you could have done better" and I didnt get any money or video games or any less pressure to do better. The "low A's" were honors classes so already counted as 5/4 but it didn't matter. I had a 3.75 GPA up to the end of my junior year in highschool and tanked it to 3.2 by the time I graduated senior year. Literally what was the point.
As an Asian, it's really impossible to reason with parents, when you proved them wrong a hundred times, they still think it's bullshit and now we go back to square one and the cycle never ends. Best solution I have now is having a security outside of home, then get help...
As an Asian American gay guy in his 30s, everything Dr. K talked about still haunts me to this day where I don't know what it is I want out of my own life. I'm constantly hearing the echoes of my parents saying how worthless and weak I am and how undeserving of help I am and constantly struggling with thoughts of self harm cause of it. And it doesn't help that as a gay guy in a highly religious conservative Christian family, I got ostracized from everyone I knew and had to rebuild my life from zero since I was clearly undeserving of God's love. If I could wish for one thing, it would be that no one ever has to be treated the way I was growing up by my parents and that I wish I could pass that knowledge of what not to do to your kid
Culture can be toxic, but culture is ever changing. Remember to put cultural expectations aside and judge people fairly, regardless of what that culture currently is. It's easy to make that mistake. But I think with you being gay, you are more aware of this issue than most.
Im sorry you had to go through that crap. I have spent the last 6 years in various forms of therapy myself. It took awhile. But i can confidently tell you, that its possible to get better. It can take a long while before you actually start feeling better. For me it was only really in the past year or so. You can make it. I believe in you mate :)
I just want to say I am sorry that you went through all that horror. Your family aren’t Christians at all. They are just religious people that’s all. A true Christian family would have loved you regardless, would even love you more!! I am also undeserving of God’s love but he loves me regardless. I am pretty sure he loves you too! A lot more than you can even imagine actually. Don’t believe in what this “Christian” family said to you cause they don’t even know God. If they knew him like that they would have never treated you with such contempt. Just my two cents 😊
There are three forms or types of Christianity. One is a Socialist version, where Christianity is about worshiping every single human being ever born, because we are all valuable and special and our feelings, desires and dreams are why the universe exists. One is a Nietzschean, Republican or Capitalist version, where Christianity is about worshiping accomplishment, hardiness and moral excellence. The final is a metaphysical one that has God above every human accomplishment and sentiment but also above every material pleasure.
In other words, they thought you were evil because weak and their form of Christianity was about hardiness. Then the version that Karen is offering you is one where they are evil because they were about hardiness and not about every fallen creature as an individual. But according to what I think is the real one, your inclination is still evil because it is the epitome of putting self before God. According to it, man's mental and sensual parts that can't know God should serve the intellect and the will that can, not vice versa.
Im Black but the way I was raised I share some of those problems. My mom wasn't a "tiger mom" but she was really strict with my education and career success.
I'm not Asian, but as a child of Appalachian Silent Generation parents, a lot of the stigma about getting help or the appearance of weakness is scarily on point...and evidently universal.
My little brother took his life last night. This hits fucking hard. I wish he talked to me about it. Got help from someone somewhere or at the very least watched videos like this and reassessed his life.
I’m really sorry about your little brother. Nothing I say or do will change anything but I offer my sincerest condolences. I wish you all the best in life.
re 7:53 ish --- i want to put it out there that because so many Asian kids are familiar with the "saving face" story, pretty much any Asian person under 30-ish years old today understands how isolating and traumatizing the experience is, and in turn, younger Asian communities are uniquely good at supporting each other through that sort of thing. so if you're caught under the thumb of "saving face," please, for the love of God, talk to some of your Asian peers about it, because they're definitely going through the same thing.
I've had Asian (mostly Indian) friends since I was a young child, some of them my best friends today, and I've seen everything play out that is talked about here. Their parents used to devalue many classes in school, compare their child to other Asian students and give personal responsibility for adult related things. Whenever my best friend would tell his dad about an achievement he would barely, if at all praise him. I hope we can spread more awareness about these expectational issues in the future, and remind people who don't feel valued how much they are actually worth, because we are all good enough.
I needed this video today. This is precisely what I am undergoing. I'm 25 and I'm living alone in the UK. I am not financially independent yet. I depend on my parents. I am very much struggling to find an IT job. I am undergoing therapy but also feeling guilty about it because of the expense. Also, I am feeling a pang of existential guilt for the privileges that I am getting. I feel like a useless person. Being a jobless, loveless South Asian in 2023 is barbaric.
Another thing that makes it hard, especially living in North America, is that Asians are discriminated against in colleges and university applications and SAT scores, aka "The Asian Tax" for schooling. It's honestly quite bigoted and disgusting. As far as I'm concerned, I literally couldn't care less WHAT people get accepted into major post-secondary institutions. I care about the most qualified students getting the seats. If 99% of a medical classroom ends up being Asian, who honestly cares besides the racists who want every group of people to look like a box of crayons? If I were an Asian student, and I learned that I wasn't accepted into my university of choice JUST because I am Asian and the university had to fill a diversity quota, I would be ENRAGED.
It sounds like Asian American culture is a really difficult thing to live under in some ways too. Self-responsibility is a very hard master, and it sounds like some people live in a top down mindset. It's almost as if children are like oxen to pull and uplift parents or hold them up in a weird house of cards kind of thing. I dunno, just what I saw. Nice video Dr.K, I watched so I'm commenting
Hello Doc, this is also true for us Filipinos. There is a stigma and unhealthy comparison, plus aggravated by poverty. Thank you for shedding light on this issue
I wanna know how those parents feel after their kid has taken their own life. Do they still blame them for not being good enough and damn them without remorse, or are they regretful of their actions, maybe confused to what they did wrong?
One thing that's kinda sad is that a lot of these kids who are top students have a huge wide world open to them and they are setting their sights on a very small part of it because that is what they were taught growing up. Imagine what these talented kids could do if they went into understaffed industries instead of competitive ones, like programming or teaching. Yet because these kids aren't becoming the doctors their parents want them to be, they feel like failures, and that's really sad.
Dr. K making me cry at 2am 😭 I’ve learned a lot about psychology but every time I muster up enough courage, it’s like my Asian conditioning is a slippery octopus that my logic can’t handle.
As a fellow Asian dude with adhd, It's hard. never been good at school. Always felt ashamed getting B's and C's in classes especially when my Asian friends are getting A's all the time. I graduated highschool in 2016 didn't even finish community College. I'm struggling in life but I'm trying to get through it.
I’ve met more than one Asian American with these kinds of horror stories, and it’s a disturbing pattern to say the least. My former coworker, who is from Taiwan, is worried about where her sons will go for university because the schools overwhelmingly favor other minorities like black, Hispanic, and non-American Asian (mostly Chinese who pay higher tuition) students over Asian American. Before she had kids, the same woman also told me she was afraid she would end up physically abusing them the same way her parents did to her. A Chinese friend of mine had a father who was so horrifically abusive to him when he was a child, that holing himself up in his room to study and do boring schoolwork was actually his own go-to form of escapism. My Malaysian ex-boyfriend literally broke down and sobbed at me over the phone because of the intense stress of imposter syndrome (a condition I never *heard of* until he told me what it was), and seeing all the chewing gum, Scotch tape, toothpicks, and rubber bands he used to repair his failing education fall apart through his fingers. All I can say is, I wish they knew they’re so much *more* than how they perform or how they were treated.
Around 17:00 the clients I speak to who believe they don’t deserve help do not think it’s the high achievers that deserve it. It’s the opposite. They think others that have it much worse should be getting the attention and the client invalidates their own suffering. Edit: dr k just said my point around 19:30
haha grown up asian here and realized as a kid my mom wouldn't even fix EXTERNAL issues let alone internal ones! broken bone, vomitting? Just set it yourself or sleep it off. oh, and we were well off and insured so it wasnt like we COULDNT Pay for a medical trip, just an extreme version of not wanting to lose face. :')
@@ayemaeyalit3354 oh it absolutely was... and there were dozens of other flavors of irresponsible parenting thrown in there too. being indoctrinated into cults + intergenerational trauma = bad time
The irony is that often in their attempts to “save face” they are actually only making more of a fool out of themselves from my point of view. And then the other irony is that I actually bought into it and am sometimes too prideful for my own good. (not seeking help, as well as a distrust of people or a therapist of being capable enough of providing the help I needed) Thank you HG for making help more accessible. Watching your videos alone has proven to be very insightful or even fun!🤓 I’m not entirely sure if I am in a place right now that desperately *needs* coaching but it’s something I’ve been interested in~
Thank you Dr. K. Those reactions are exactrly what I felt. I feel this video to my core. I'm not an Asian kid but was raised like one by a highly critical father who valued high income and stereotypical "success" over emotional and mental wellbeing, who spanked me, who often would say "Why didn't you get all A's!?" when seeing a B or god forbid a C or D on report cards. He never helped me with homework and expected me to just know how everything, constant comparing me to sucessful young adults (30 under 30, national merit scholars, etc....) who had a TON more support from their parents than I. My mother is a perfectionist who would sometimes say "If you can't do it right - don't do it at all." High expectations and pressure to "succeed" with little to no support from my parents.... and no to little understanding of mental health issues as you said. There's more but this childhood trauma really messed me as an adult and burnt out "gifted kid" who most likely had a breakdown a few years ago, quit my career I got into only to please my parents and I'm now picking up the pieces figuring out how to even rebuild my life... Left with very low self worth, people pleasing galore, unsure of how to set and achieve goals that I actually want, depression, forming an authentic identity and disconnecting what I want from life. "Do you really want to live this way - you don't deserve to live this way." Hits home that it is OK for me to seek help with how to go forward with my life for me. Not anyone else.
The difficult part of asian culture is that it is expected you live your life along a well tread path. For example grow up studying to get good grades to get into a good university. Then study well at university to get a good job. Then when you get a good job get a good wife. In asian culture if you step out of the well tread path you can been seen as a failure. There isn't much flexibility.
Can someone explain me why is it made harder for some races to join universities? As a European it makes no sense to me. Isnt this the exact definition of racism? Discriminating someone purely based on their race??
south east asian here. i near jumped in front of a train for having to quit my 1st job after the intense work hours put me in hospital due to exhaustion. then my dad asked me 'are you really depressed?' while laughing. that says a lot, huh?
I relate to this so hard its hilarious... Especially the part where the parents go "Oh but look at Sejal down the street he get A* and he is a chess champion"
I was never a gifted kid. I failed many times. And I feel the constant pressure to fit the mold of the "Good Asian Kid", the one who has her shit together even when struggling with ADHD and PTSD
I think there's something of collectivism to this. I'm Black and Indigenous. Same parents-cant-see-it-so-it-aint-real probs. When they could see it the response was to reject and ignore. I'm a full blown adult now and have gone almost fully no contact with my family because of this. They'll never acknowledge how much harm they've done and don't bring it up at all (unless dad's drunk at Thanksgiving and he started it). I feel like a lot of African folks can relate to this too from the friends I've chatted with.
This is unfortunately so true. I am tutor and Asian Australian. I've experienced this and I see my students experiencing the very same thing. I've been meaning to change this mindset of my students, by telling them to learn what they're interested in, to focus on their own work and not anyone else's. Comparison does not belong in my classroom. I also get the chance to speak to parents, and I can see how some of them are open to the idea that their kid is not always going to be the best kid. But there are still a handful of parents with these idealistic expectations that are really stunting the growth and leading to behavioural problems in my students. On the side note: Thank you, Dr K. I'm not sure if you will ever see this message, but I you helped me changed my perspective on my life. I was heading down the medical path, and when I watched your videos, I was intrigued by psychology and neuroscience. I now have a high GPA in this subject, all because your videos have inspired me to make changes and help me to consider what I really want in this life. Thank you, Dr K, thank you so so much
If anyone here still gets shooketh by the phrase "that's not good enough"... You ARE enough. Full stop. You have inherent value no matter your social status, financial situation, or anything else that people "see" or pass judgment on. You ARE NOT your failures, or "Exhibit A: Asian Kid" that your parents compare to "Exhibit B: Perfect Sibling/Cousin". Failures are things that happen in your life, but they don't determine your worth, or your character. You ARE many things, whether it's a person who loves animals, a stressed out student, an artist, an extrovert, someone who values quality time, etc etc.
Dear Asian sisters and brothers. Please remember being a human person is enough. Every person's life is precious and worthy of living. Even yours. ❤️ Life is precious.
Yep, I can relate to this video as a first generation Armenian immigrant in Russia. Yep, saving face, being the best, not asking for help. My parents judged me for taking antidepressants for like 6 months for my depressive episode. It was already hard to have depression, but the pressure to make well was driving me insane. Sorry parents, I want to live my life for myself
I finally feel heard. My parents have changed a lot over the past five years, but they still subconsciously subscribe to this idea that any misstep I make is my fault and therefore my responsibility to fix. Thank God they finally support me enough to get me therapy. My second session is in 2 days. Wishing u all the best!
In my case, they want me to become a doctor. Now I'm in med school still getting good grades (for now), which somehow "proves" that they are correct about choosing this for me... when actually i still feel like i dont belong here. The thing is I still dont know what I actually want to do/pursue for the future, so i cannot defend myself against their opinion. Time and time again people say that "grades isnt everything" but when people see i have good grade, they assumed that i am capable and not struggling. In reality, i am struggling with procrastination, laziness, lack of discipline, lack of motivation/passion, and bunch of other stuff. Those things doesnt manifest in my grades, but it does makes me feel like sh.t I am considering counseling but i never push myself enough to actually get help. This video is like a sign for me to get help so i will, hopefully soon!
Oh yea sometimes i kinda have this idea that i will eventually meet my downfall... a part of me is afraid of what could happen and what is the consequences, but other part of me is waiting for that to happen to justify my feeling that i doesnt belong there (med school/becoming doctor)
I LOVE that you mentioned how much we care about saving face. My favorite anecdotal example is when my mom found out I smoked weed the literal first thing out of her mouth when she saw me was “what am I supposed to tell people now?? That my son does drugs??” To which I said “why would you ever need to bring that up in conversation” Her response was “what else do I have in my life?!?!” Telling
I think this applies a lot to black women. You’re required to do well so you can take care of the family when you’re older because nobody else will. I used to get in trouble for making a low A because it wasn’t a 100%. It was not acceptable to not do well.
I feel like I have different problems. Mum goes "whatever as long as you're happy" And somehow I still go "No wtf mum I can't just perform whatever. Do you have no expectations of me?"
im so glad this is addressed as a 23 yr old full korean with old parents and the "personal responsibility" part of the video is very true with the belief that my parent's have. I'm sure its common for other ethnicities as well and a certain age group of elderly and ihope that culture dies off because of the importance of mental health. i think we should all unite together instead of creating such competition in careers considering how hard it is to make a living these days
Often I read statistics about birth rates, and many of the lowest are in east Asia. When someone asks, I just ask who would want to lose most of their youth to cram school so they can force someone else to go to cram school. That story of med school is really screwed up. It's like doublespeak isn't enough for the racial equity grifters, they need triplespeak.
My parents were much more chill by time I came around. My older brother definitely got the brunt of it. But I think I still internalized the model minority mindset. I also have a problem with taking on challenges that I don't know the outcome before hand...taking a leap of faith is not in my wheelhouse.
I'm glad you touched on Asian kid rebellion but I'd like to see a part two where you discuss some of the dangers of leading a 'double life', since I think that's the more common pattern of coping with this pressure rather than openly nonconforming. The danger isn't just an increased risk of depression/suicidality, but also a lot of unhealthy behaviors rooted in shame--substance abuse, EATING DISORDERS (speaking for Asian girls here), unhealthy relationships, etc.
I am not Asian American but as an African American I’m praying for y’all. Becoming a doctor really doesn’t seem that bad now but y’all should have the same standards as us. Everyone should have the 73% chance. I really hope everyone especially Asian Americans can understand you deserve to be happy even if your family or friends think differently. Don’t fight to be anything in this world that is actively fighting against you and your needs. Love to y’all. 💕
I think a major weakness or blind spot in this analysis regarding saving face is that it doesnt address the root of the motivation for saving face. The embarrassment is the proxy emotion that signals the root, which is that lowered status in society directly results in more overtly bad treatment from people around you. And in collectivist societies (and any other space where group dynamics prevail) thats basically social self unaliving.
The supervisor at work with a PhD and weird hair is obsessed with pestering me because she was the best nerdy Asian kid and yet so unhappy compared to me, an Asian who got her bachelor's in her late 20s 😆 Not a brag but just facts, as she's trying to bring me down with her so she's not exempt from being called out. You should see what the Asians are like in the wealthy neighborhoods in the US. They had their parents pay for everything they need to be successful & satisfied adults. They pay for tutors and a lofty environment to study in. They pay for lots of entertainment and vacations with friends too! Alcohol, technology, clothes, rides, etc etc. They want their children to be "happy" as well, and they can afford to buy them those luxuries to keep them satisfied, so they will comply with the educational and career paths. They don't ruffle their children's feathers either. And the best/worst part? They're absolutely silent about this aspect. It's their secret that they'll take to their grave lol. They want to be like "Look at me! I'm so polished and shhh my parents paid for everything that contributed to it." Why do they feel the need to put up that fake image? Because they’re "happy" but not happy. They're empty. When you know you bought everything with money, you are absolutely EMPTY. Also 18:50 I do have to say it's dangerous to be assuming that most of these Asian parents are placing these expectations on you to try to help you. MOST of the pushy ones are trying to help themselves. Honor, saving face, living out their unfulfilled dreams, competing with others, and money!
Yeah, I've gotta say, trying to be a good Asian kid is hard enough. With the expectations for school grades, what careers I'm allowed to take, and being the only Asian kid in my area, it's pretty rough. For me personally though, I think the hardest thing about trying to be a good Asian child is that I'm white.
2nd yr in college now, I'm hardcore struggling with procrastination. I always thought that like "bruh ppl who go to therapy got real trauma and sht, i cant just go in there cuz I'm lazy and cant bring myself to study. I'll just figure it out on my own." But i never did and I still procrastinate but since being exposed to this channel, i decided-- "eh why not just try and if it helps; doesn't hurt to try" i learned that my school has free short term counseling, I've been twice, both times were very insightful. I'm still procastinating tho. I talked to my Dr about it during my annual check up and she was like "well if u haven't found something that works then just keep going back, it's totally fine" and so due to that and just watching this channel, I'm prolly gonna schedule another appointment soon :,) therapist ppl are really cool and chill man.
Chances are, as you grow up, especially get into college your parents will stop caring, or if they do, you’re at the age where you’re able to move out and live your life. I learned this the hard way by going to college because I was pressured by my parents. I dropped out due to financial difficulties and it obviously disappointed my parents, but eventually they stopped caring and truly cared about if I was happy. Now I’m stuck with 60k in student loan debt without a degree and it sucks. I don’t blame my parents entirely, but the take away from this is, please, do what you truly want to do, and don’t let anyone stop you from achieving what makes you happy. Yes making your parents happy is nice, but eventually when they pass, what is it that will make you happy? Or will you be stuck doing something you’re not passionate about and become depressed? Sad cycle we live in. Bless everyone
I experienced a version of this growing up white in an affluent town, which had old money families that we weren’t part of. My parents were only satisfied with straight A, perfect behavior, and getting into a prestigious college. No excuses, even if old money kids could skate by on family name and wealth, and I couldn’t.
12:35 No I don't think the help is worth it because the therapists are incompetent and charge way too much for way too little benefit. I would love to find a therapist that's actually good, but there's a massive sea of charlatans and they all want you to pay $200+ just to find out if they're worth your time.
ASIAN CONDITIONING....thanks for that concept bhai. SUPER relate to the concept of therapy being $5/a min. That was my experience at uni, even though I had a partial scholarship. Made the whole experience horrific, so of course I limped out. My dad stopped talking to me for years and disowned me. I should be grateful for the double major + 2.8 gpa, but my dad didn't even show up to my graduation and hasn't said a kind word to me since.
- I started taking (not continuous sessions) therapy was in highschool grade 11 which was 2017-2018. - I got help mostly because of the stress, anxiety from school that bordered depression which resulted in myself developing extreme anger problem that persisted until recently last that I got the most hang of managing it. The second reason was that the granmother passed away so that left a hole in me, which though was not significant still contributed in me anxiety and stress. - Moreover, I am negative in my view of the world regardless of how happy I am, as a part of me still think that everything will go wrong, that I am going to fail at whatever I try, and at the end of the day , nothing matters. And there the problem of self-deprecating too. As of currently, I've graduated university and trying to jump into post-grad right away and after watching this video. I think that I had wasted my mother's money in getting me help. That the money spent on me could have been used for better usage. - Thank you for this, I am a bit sad. but I'm sure I'll forget about it like I do most thing. Liked the video
Sounds like you got some depression my guy. If you care about rationally optimizing your pursuits in life, acknowledge that depression mindset can be treated and get help
also in eyes of parents, neurological disorders, feelings and emotions don't matter, as an asian kid, u are only manufactured via regular human reproduction means to contribute to the world and make ur parents proud, if u are less than a robot or AI, at least be a robot and just crank out everything and burn out, if u don't die by suicide by 18/ after secondary, u are very likely to die in ur 20s. Asian kids - the most short-lived species of kids not dying from drug abuse or murder but by being too stressed and burnt out
It feels difficult to accept help when all your life you feel you're worthless. Then I have tried getting help before and it didn't really work out because I couldn't connect with the therapist. Taking appointments and all that stuff makes me so stressed - I know you sometimes gotta try multiple therapist - but I just kinda give up because the search feels overwhelming... O(-(
Are in US Universities some embargo limits for students identifying as Asians or what? dr K said that while being Asian you need to be in 23% top pre-med students who are applying to medical school, Caucasian 30%, Latino 54%, Black 73%... and I don't get it? I understood that he is talking like these all students were applying to the same Medical Schools so don't all these students are competing with each other on the same tests as they are all the same students who are applying? I understood he is talking about USA specific and not that in ASIA CONTINENT there are more applying students for medical schools so there is harder to get there and in AFRICA CONTINENT there are less applying students so it's easier there but he is talking about Medical Schools just in USA? So how is it mathematically and logically possible that the percentages of the best admitted students could differ?
They have limits, exactly that. They try to be diverse and equal, and by doing that they are being unequal. Because there are so many foreign Chinese, Indian, South Korean, etc students applying to US universities, and thats to only included the foreigners, let alone the top performing Asian students in the US. To prevent the universities from being majority Asian they set caps. Does it make sense.........I don't think so, but there are reasons for it.
My ex girlfriend was an Indian American Lesbian artist who was disabled and neurodivergent. She didn’t follow her parents plans to be a doctor, lawyer, engineer or scientist. She was extremely depressed and her parents could not get behind her getting therapy. She had to get help on her own and eventually took her own life after multiple attempts. She was a brilliant artist. I know her parents were conditioned by many generations and generational trauma but I can’t help but hating them for how they treated her. I don’t know how to forgive them and they think it was me because they think i turned her gay.
as an middle eastern kid (some of us don't consider us asian, but technically we are), we are raised exactly the same. and the cherry on top is: even if you have the best paying high status job, you are still a loser if you aren't married with kids by 30
brooo to get into a med school in india (gmc) you have to be the top 1-5% of the kids thats insane competition (this year there were 2 million kids for 56k govt seats) in some states the cutoff touches 600/720 and in some states its ass low las 520 (himachal) private colleges suck blood asian americans are lucky to be the top 23% and reservations too (not gonna comment about this)
I can identify with this even though I’m not asian. When your parents put unreasonable preconceived expectations on you and you end up in an academic rivalry with your brother who you’re never better than, this same exact stuff happens to you.
as an asian american(viet), i can proudly say that i am absolute garbage at math. i would like to say that i am very good with words, language, and writing (maybe this comment isn't showing that, but i'll just try to ignore that lol). trying to learn calc3 and barely understand trig lol
Wait, do people just in daily life expect Asian kids, etc., to be good at math? Like I can see how standardized tests and such are structured to assume Asians will do better than average. But that bias appears in other places? If I had a boss who assigned harder work to an Asian coworker simply because they were Asian, I'd be contacting HR for blatant racism.
With my parent, they didnt give a fuck about any mental health/personal problems that I had and in fact used my mental health issues to get back at each other. I ended up trying to pull myself up with my bootstraps and my parents were actively trying to stop me from doing that. At the end of it I had to choose one parent over the other for the sake of my sister and I dont get a "im sorry for what I did" in any capacity.... this is why I have no desire to be their son.
Lmao i thought you were gonna say, "you have to be in the top 73%, which means you just gOTta bE bLaCk". Also when i was a pre-med student before switching to engineerning, the matriculation statistics were genuinely disturbing and absurdly unfair when youre considering selecting devoted and optimal candidates. Yes it should factor into some degree, for a variety of reasons, but its weight on selection is WAY too much
I am Indian and it is worse here than america...one problem that asian people face is even if they asked their parents for help (because we can't pay for it as school kids). Tgey do not believe us if our grades does not detoriate. Like if We are internally conficted but I sonehow manage to be happy sunshine in front of my parents and fet grades as needed...They won't beleive us. Only if things get bad enough that our results are effected that they see that we are in trouble...And honestly it is frustrating. And you wouldn't believe how foriegn the concept of help is to Indians living in India...There are not even school counselors
I felt this video so much, especially coming from another member of my Diaspora even though ...it's also for me I feel this pressure in the opposite way. During high school, like any other Asian kid, I worked my ass off. However, I really struggled with anxiety during my sophomore year and performed poorly in school that year. Afterwards, I was able to pull myself out of it and graduated with a 3.6 gpa, however I did not get into any of the colleges I wanted to go to. Also during that time I developed a love and passion for Engineering and Physics, something my parents never forced me to do, I did it out of my own determination. But here in lies the problem, I'm at a really large party school for college studying Physics and am doing the grind again in college. However, the same thoughts of anxiety are welling up. Especially with the fact that I choose this degree rather than my parents, and if I screw up and can't complete a degree in Physics, cuz I am too stupid too, then what am I? A failure, again... I am considering getting help but I have seen a therapist in the past and it didn't really help, maybe it might have been the wrong fit but I'm terrified of asking my parents again to go back and try another office.
Hardest part is finding a therapist that you vibe with. Its going to take a few tries but when you get that therapist that you fit with, that's when things start getting much better. It's a struggle, but it's worth it.
Bruv I'm not asian but I have a degree in physics, I can relate to you. The imposter syndrome is real. Give yourself breaks though, I always used to have a day where I went to the bar with my other physics friends. Everyone in the physics program feels the way that you do, they all feel like they are imposters. Talk to the other students about how you feel. Make friends with them and then bring it up, you may find some commaradie there. I got through with that commaradie and working together with other students. Definitely make a study group if you can. But the school thought you were good enough to be there. You're good enough to be there. I could go on and on about this topic, but you'll get through it and you'll be okay. Just do your your best and set time aside for yourself so that you don't burn yourself out and you'll be okay
How devastating is it that the entire end of this video was almost literally a PLEA for people to allow themselves to believe that they are worthy of help.
The thing that always makes me wonder about this: why don't you just ask them why they did not achieve straight A's and got #1 in chess tournaments? Surely most of them placing those demands did not achieve them in their own childhood?
