Videos Referenced: • Limerence: What Is It ... • Breaking The Toxic Sha... • The Key Ingredient To ... • Limerence As A Doorway... • Toxic Shame: How It Le...
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Life changing comment. I’ve heard this before but for some reason your comment made me talk to myself younger self . You can talk to past versions of yourself and it matters
I am now almost 60 years old, but for many years have wondered why I obsessed about two different people in my early 30s and 40s. They never knew of my obsession, and I was married at the time so I felt tremendous guilt about my thoughts. I finally confessed of my obsession regarding one man to my husband (now my ex) hoping to quit having the obsessive thoughts. Even that didnt help me. When I encountered the word limerance a year ago, I finally had a name to put to my experience, and I felt such relief that others were experiencing the same types of intrusive thoughts. I have so often tried to figure out WHY I had those feelings so long ago, despite my best efforts to make them go away. I finally, in listening to this video, have insight into what was happening back then. It also helps me understand myself even better now. Heidi, I can't thank you enough for sharing your knowledge. You have brought peace to my heart more than once now, and I thank you.❤
Discovering what limerence is has been such a relief for me. For 5 months, I thought I was going crazy, and all the resources available, like Heidi's videos, helped me to tackle it and move on. I hear you, on the isolating effect of the intrusive thoughts. Totally bonkers
@@People-Like-You I get limerence vibes when I look at attractive women. When I look away I don't feel. I think some people give off limerence vibes and then people pick up these vibes and internalize them. I think attractive women give off limerence vibes on purpose but don't admit they are doing it.
That is an interesting theory, but as it is a gross generalization, most likely incorrect. The common denominator is you, so it might pay off to delve deeper into understanding why YOU feel that way when YOU look at people that YOU find attractive.@@frv6610
I think what we are actually grieving when we grieve a limerent object is the perfect parents and childhood that we deserved but did not have. We feel the pain of all that we did not get (and likely still don't have as a result) - the mirroring, affection, interest, support, safety, mentoring, guidance, freedom, whatever it may be for each of us. We grieve huge swaths of lost childhood experience; lives that were ruined from the outset. The years or decades of silent, unconscious suffering because it was impossible to even express any of this directly. I think this is the pain that really comes up with limerence, because it lives on in our bodies and demands to be seen and experienced. And it is a vastly different magnitude of pain and loss than a romantic (or any other) relationship not working out in our adult lives.
This!! I felt this the other day. All of the unconscious people we tolerated makes us feel a deep hurt without any answers. That in itself is grief. Sure we can get intellectual answers, but why? It's life. Life happens to us and our humanness. Feeling that is very profound. How could I have loved someone for so long even now they continue the same habits with the next person? We also need to be ok with what we want from life and others and NOT feel guilty about it.
I relate so much to this! But the thing is I don't know how to grieve? When I try to sit with my emotions, what I feel is in an infinite black hole of sadness.
That is exactly why I can't wait to lay down and escape into my fantasy world. It is the only time I feel human and understood. Thank you for your post.
Took me four years to recover from someone whom i had limerence over - a co worker whom i fell in 'love' with. Now I know that it was limerence and not love HOWEVER the pain it caused me has changed me forever.
@eligiorusso1303 I wish that I had known about limerence and that these videos were published back then. Heidi did another video on Limerence going into real depth about it. I would recommend watching that. For me, the pain eased up organically - i hope that you heal asap. Sending love xx
@@eligiorusso1303 It took me going back to therapy to finish my healing of it. Didn't even realize I was healing until like a month into the therapy session. I got 'infected'(lol) by limerence but I wasn't going to therapy bc of it, I just needed therapy bc of some other reasons(PTSD) and addressing some things from childhood, while getting therapy for the other issues, helped me heal. You can do this, friend. I'm rooting for you. I believe in you.
Letting myself feel all the feelings as freely and as intensely as they might come in the first days always helps me immensely. i used to bash myself for caring so much about someone who could not care less about me, but now I embrace this aspect of mine and live all the emotions my body wants to feel. After that, its just a matter of a few days and I am ready to move on
ME TOO ! It is a BLESSING truly to be able to feel. I was numb for years, unable to feel happiness or even cry, now when I feel something I am BLESSED.
I really like that unfiltered, accepting exactly what emotions are present for dealing with limerence. I think part of my difficulty came from thinking that I shouldn't be feeling this about a limerent object rather than accepting how I felt as valid and real, and moving through it so gracefully as you described.
I’m trying to let go of my Limerence right now. We haven’t talked since Nov 2023 and every single day I think of her. We never dated. We weren’t friends. But we talked and met while volunteering. This has happened to me before but the last few times it lasted for years. I hate when this happens because it’s like I’m stuck on a person while they’re living their life and I’m in my own head building a life we will never have. It’s miserable but your videos helped me understand what’s happening. So that’s a start. Hopefully this one doesn’t last for a year and I can let it go any day now.
My experience with limarence was brutal. Realizing that I am literally invisible for the person in question destroyed my self confidence. I needed to start building myself up all over again.
Heidi your videos have helped me IMMENSELY in healing from a horrible and unexpected breakup, I didn't see the signs of avoidance on both sides and you have helped me come to terms with so many of the complex emotions and anxiety. I still have a long way to go, but your information on attachment theory and relationships in general has been invaluable to me. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for what you do.
I think you forgot reason #4 for limerence, is that there's some kind of turmoil in your life causing a lot of negative emotions, so you turn to limerence to sort of distract yourself from the pain of your reality (like a fight with relatives, a falling out, moving somewhere where you have no friends, crappy job etc.). To get out of that, face the problem you're having, or grieve the loss you've had. I remember at one point I found myself thinking obsessively about a guy, so I tried to distract myself with video games, and when the game crashed, my thoughts didn't go back to the guy but to something like "I don't think my parents actually loved me as much as I thought they did" and I cried about it and then felt so much better because it was a truth I had to finally face and accept (they're emotionally immature. Not all parents love their kids or love them equally, they just say whatever is dictated by society. You're going to come across people like that at some point and there's a chance you're related to them yourself).
Yes! I recently became limerent again when my mom ended up in the hospital and some of her care fell on my shoulders. And work has sucked for so long. That was the cherry on top and now I’ve become limerent towards a married work colleague and I’ve made myself look stupid again with my childish behavior.
@@19katsandcounting That's rough. I know we generally have little control over it but I guess I'm thankful that the moment I find out that someone is taken, in a relationship or whatever, the limerence stops for me. Like, it hurts, especially if he was single at first and I was interested in him but then suddenly he's seeing someone else, but that has always been a no-go zone for me. But my therapist has been telling me I might have had actual crushes rather than limerence, and that I'm actually avoidant, so I'm not in a much better position than you, lol! Like, I berate myself for having normal crushes. Just something I recently discovered.
@@georockstar09 this time I didn’t realize he was married at first. About a week went by before it crossed my mind that he might be and he in fact was. I just wasn’t getting married vibes from him so it didn’t occur to me. Not that it’s his fault, I was probably in some sort of denial. I tried to push it out of my mind, but it had already taken root. But generally i wouldn’t become limerent on someone who is taken. When I was younger I would have been more prone to overlook that if my feelings were strong enough. Glad you don’t have that problem. lol
@@19katsandcounting Sounds like a short term problem if you found out he was married only about a week after knowing the guy. That shouldn't be too hard to resolve. It happens. At least you wouldn't have been too emotionally attached, I think? I dunno, I don't mean to minimize. But I think you'll be ok. I did the same once - "whoa that guy is hot! Oh, oops, he's married, nvm."
I was into chronic depression for 2 - 3 years .. cried and cried ... It didn't lessen one bit ...... not for past 3 years though thank god .. I was getting better and suddenly got into limerence again after having no LO for 5 years or so . It's not so bad .. I was in really bad place emotionally , survived that . This can't hurt me much compared to that .
Twin flame stuff isn't limerance. I find the talk of twin flame kind or woo woo. But logically and using my limited psychology (psych 101, criminal psych). If you have an inner wound then you subconsciously attract other with inner wounds. Eventually you run into that one is very similar to you and can mirror you in way you've never had. This end up triggering all your inner would and you trigger all theirs. Then you go your separate ways. With spot light wounds you never knew you had you can heal them. This can lead to two people meeting later and having really great relationship. Doesn't mean it will and most likely won't as both if they heal will attract more healthy partners. Just my opinion though.
spot on. Mine was a product of cptsd, emotional neglect by a narc, ex-alcoholic Mom (adult child, traumatized. abandoned herself.) A lifetime of living as a fearful avoidant, emotional/romantic anorexic as a result of dissociating from my body as her needs always took priority above my own; tried to isolate/hide me from the world & NEVER encouraged romantic relationships....My limerent objects ALWAYS came about from deeply unmet needs (to be desired) OR core wound of being cared for/be seen/heard (any attempt to help me.)
Whoa. I keep having second thoughts about my FA type and limerance then hearing and reading these words that 100% describe me. Oof. I guess I have work to do.
You’ve released this video at the perfect time! The title itself is so validating. As I’ve learned about limerence this past year, I’m starting to understand that most people don’t have debilitating “crushes”. I thought my intense difficulty and pain in getting over unrequited “love” came down to my lack of willpower. Now I realize that different areas of my subconscious have been using limerence as a coping mechanism to both block out and bring my attention to worthiness wounds that need healing. This video has given me more tools with which to dig deep. Please keep them coming!
The timing of your videos makes me want to cry in gratitude because my GOD, this shit is SO SO MUCH harder to get over especially when its all in your head (and serving so many functions). Thank you so much for your thorough and compassion analysis ❤
"to believe that love was about encouraging the best in people and ignoring or politely turning away from people's pain and struggle". You nailed it here. I tried to express that earlier this week but couldn't formulate it as well. This is the next step for me. It goes with being more accepting with myself too
The insight about how we try to address the maladaptive internal parts of ourselves with limerence really cuts through a lot of confusing feelings. The videos you have been putting out lately have been the perfect followup to your more general videos on things like toxic shame. Those earlier videos helped me change my entire perspective for the better, but now that I'm not neck deep in an unchallenged avoidant-shame-general-shittery-complex hearing more elaboration is great. Being more open to myself has led to a lot of "I know my subconscious is trying to tell me something but I have absolutely no idea what it is" and your well structured elaborations on the core concepts of limerance, shame, etc. help a lot.
Boy where was this video when I needed it! I had my first experience with limerance for almost 7 brutal months! I knew my thoughts weren't rational. What I was doing wasn't rational but instead of doing the things required for my self esteem I ended up in a pit of depression. Luckily I got over it. Generally still like the guy as an acquaintance but holy shart it was like a hell I never want to re experience or would want anyone to
Its annoying af, right?? How you cant get anything done, you act irrationally, you make stupid decisions while knowing it very well and you know it’s irrational but its like you have lost all control over you thoughts anf emotions!! And at the same time, it feels sooo good. I remember taking time from my own duties to fantasize about this guy, who was completely unavailable. And it was hell and heaven all at once FOR WEEKS
Wow your comment and their replies are so relatable. I knew I was acting crazy, I was not being myself at all. I just wanted him to love me but you can’t force love. And also my expectations were way too high, I can clearly see that looking back now after studying codependency and attachment styles…. But I’m not over him yet😓 I want him back so bad it hurts… But hopefully with Heidi and other self help books, videos, & meetings I will make it through this and find myself and my happiness again.
You got this! It’s sooo much better on the other side! I know you can beat this and find real intimacy Bc I have. I dealt with limerence for like 10 years.
@lalailm my feelings exactly! I've been in limerence fantasy for 3 years and spent countless hours and $$ trying to find a way out. These videos are great but a lot to unpack 😢
Summary/ Overview: 2:24 Three primary reasons 2:34 1st - Limerant relationships are trying to answer a fundamentally different question for us, (3:33) am i okay? Self-relationship wounded self-esteem projected onto other, their love fix the ways in which we dont love ourselves, self-esteem issue. Soothing whatever unconsious pain causing need to externalize your self-worth. Might try avoiding getting mirrored by other your worldview ev toxic shame, if someone saw you and mirror deepest parts they disgusted. Covering up lack of intimacy with limerance. Not showing real self - not threatened. Idealizing, projecting, pedestal, self-relationship wounded self-esteem projected onto other, their love fix the ways in which we dont love ourselves, self-esteem issue. Secure: allow myself be seen and see the other person clearly. General answer, are we a good fit? Compatable with me n my values, out of life, offer eachother, happy, secure relationship? 8:34 2nd - Might be best defence we have against loneliness. Intimacy issues. Deeply seen and mirrored. Hide, strong mask, when unable uphold mask - retreat. Secure/Love: Be present, in good n bad struggle. Encourage the best in people. 13:03 3rd - Integration would be threatening, insteed comes out ev as fantasies, limerance. Might be serving an important function, fantasy keep something in our conscious awareness that were unable to tolerate in our direct conscious experience.. Defensive exclusion: psychologically intolerable integrate awareness, admit intolerable piece information - when adult we can tolerate much more vs when child. Blindspot, some part of mind info threatening to experience consciously unconciously.. adaptive purpose. Integration would be threatening, insteed comes out ev as fantasies, limerance. 17:13 Integration work? 17:19 Notice what it is were so desperate for? causing obsession projection. Want integrate that trait.. 18:35 reality-based relationships 20:00 Example - stillness trait. 21:35 Tackle it at the core, whatever wound causing project part wholeness onto another person, heal wound.
I’m recovering from limerence over a long distance relationship where we never met in person, we did FaceTime a lot tho. I feel like my hang up is just that. I feel like if we had at least one tangible memory together, I’d have gotten over it in a heartbeat. I agree with certain things you said in this video, especially the part about turning to limerence when lonely. However, I’ve reached a point where I know no amount of self work will replace my desire for human connection and intimacy. I want more real and tangible relationships but they’re very hard to find and maintain because of my disability. I can’t change the fact that people I meet may be less invested in me platonically or romantically because disabled people are discriminated against and devalued in society. Almost all my friendships involve more effort on my part and people rarely initiate communication or plans with me, and if they do it’s because they need emotional support. No matter how many times I assert myself or set boundaries, or cut people off, the pattern repeats. It’s beyond exhausting and what works for me IS detachment and occasional isolation. people don’t realize that sometimes it doesn’t matter how much you work on yourself, people are going to treat you the way they want because of who you are and the way they see you. There’s nothing you can do to change that, you can only change how you respond to it. all this to say, I think limerence is a very real thing and worth working through but there’s also nothing wrong with missing someone you never got to meet up with to share your love of music. There can be many truths to these things.
Great advice, and timely. NC day 62, and it's been brutal, but finally the rumination and intrusive thoughts have lessened, from 100%, to 10% of the time - as I tackled the underlying solitude and wounds. This was my first limerent episode, and hopefully the last. One of the most psychedelic experiences I've been through. Thank you Heidi, for acknowledging the 'disenfranchised' pain of moving on from limerence.
I feel like a broken record every time I say thank you for making all of these videos, but the process of overcoming limerence has itself felt like a record that's kept playing over and over and over on repeat. Thank you for helping me to figure out what was keeping me stuck.
Deeply appreciate your videos, I am in therapy for years, reading and watching all psychological themes and you are the person that not only helped me understand better why I was stuck, but also made me feel less alone and optimistic with your peaceful and sympathetic aura. You discretely stand out, but you are for the minority who yearns to dig deeper. P.s. He left me one month before our wedding, me anxious, him fearful avoidant but definitely I realize was limerence for me the basic issue that we never really were authentically close… hardest time of my life so far but I will know much better now 💪🏾we can do this ! Keep doing this !
This is so relatable!! I have literally JUST gotten out of a brief limerence in the most embarassing way there could be, clingy and weaving fantasies around them. Which caught me off guard because i know i don't associate with this display of emotions ... Now that i took some time to analyse and .. through this and other videos you post, turns out I have been going through a really trying phase of job search. And over the past few months I have been strung in a vicious pattern of being incapable of catching a break. Constantly surrounded by tasks and anxiety of landing a job, and what being in this circumstance does to your self esteem! Caused me to become a bit of a recluse. And with her I felt things slow down, and appreciate the beauty around and throw caution to the wind and go to that bar and dance my tribulations away! She's gone.. and Ive been so confused and a little distraught. This video really helps me rationalize why I am feeling the way i am. I think I got this :')
@@hipnhappenin I was dropping texts during the day. i guess not excessive, but to her it would seem so cuz she was attachment avoidant. And I wanted to hold back, but I wanted to connect with her too! And one day she basically just called it. And was gone xD I feel very stupid about it all now. I generally understand how to pace it, but with avoidant types I feel a bit lost trying to keep the communication alive while also not overstepping.
It just blew my mind... The way you put things in words allows me to fill in the gaps - you don't simply say "you have unmet needs", but you elaborate so well on the mechanisms in which those needs were left unmet. I feel so grateful for this video, thank you endlessly 🙏
Thank you, Heidi. I've been crying every day for over 3 months and cycled through 4 therapists, but I haven't felt ok until this video. Thank you for articulating so well the pain and confusion that is limerance
I always wondered why my crushes felt so amazing but never led to quality relationships. My underlying unmet needs had nothing to do with the person i was infatuated with! Also, my current journey into limerance (even after 2 years and the breakdown of my long term relationship) leaves me feeling intense high dopamine buzz! I certainly used the limerance high to get thru study, every time i saw him or thought about him, I'd get a buzz that would last for days. Until i got the next hit because i kept going back. Heidi your insights on limerance are phenomenal. I am very grateful for your work.
Excellent work as always. Your work on limerence has been helping me identify attachments I've struggled to let go of for years. I wanted her to rescue me from my self-esteem problems, from my old wounds. And when it ended, it just made me think that I was more broken, that my wounds could never be healed because she felt like my only hope. I have a lot more to unlearn and to learn as well, but these videos help provide some clarity that I've needed.
I'm highly attracted to successful men who are older, independent, and emotionally soft/vulnerable. I struggled with softness all my life because i thought it was weak. I'm better about embracing my soft delicate side now! Was i admiring in these men the parts i had repressed in myself?
Getting over someone who was a limerent object for me that I only knew for 9 months, and had a very tumultuous anxious/avoidant cycle with, has been way more difficult than when my my ex and I broke up after 4 years. It’s been 2 months since it ended with the person I was limerent towards, and somehow I still can’t process my feelings. I don’t even know what I feel because one day I’ll tell myself a certain story and the next day it’ll be something completely different. I’m watching all your videos as much as I can but that also feels like a way of me just avoiding doing the actual work!!!! Gahhhhh! Why couldn’t my parents do this work so I didn’t have to end up this way lol (joking but also not really)
A great example of limreance is the great Gatsby 👍🏽 I just re watched the remake with Leonard dicapprio and it made me think of your videos. I ❤ your work.
Thank you. I desperately needed this today. I had a limerant relationship end in complete today and parts of this video hit home. The shame of not being able to let go of something that was long dead and not knowing why especially.
Funny this popped up today. Month after I finally let go of the past I've finally started connecting in a healthy way. I've been talking and able to care again. Something I didn't think possible
I just want to say thank you for your videos. While my military healthcare sends me in circles trying to get care, I can find my own problems and work towards recovering from them and becoming a better person.
Struggled with this my whole life. Sought a Christian counsellor recently, and this was the advise I got: I’m trying to find my missing pieces in my “crush”. The missing pieces are what I admire in my crush (eg sense of authority, highly intelligent, charisma/well liked, etc). These missing pieces can also be considered as my weaknesses or what’s causing my lower self esteem. And that the missing pieces I’m trying to find, can actually be found in Jesus Christ (our savior). He alone compensates all my weaknesses. He’s the one I’m looking for. He created me, and my crush. And I have to spend more time reading the scriptures (to know who He is, that I can trust that He knows best and what He’s doing in my life and situations..) and praying .
For those interested in a psychoanalysis of abandonment wounds, which really does touch on every point in this video, check out the book "The Abandoned Child Within" by Kathryn Asper
7:44 when we're limerencing, what we are doing is projection some part of our self relationship and our own wounded self esteem onto another person and believing that their love can fix the way we don't love ourselves. This is not an interpersonal problem - it's a self esteem one. So it gets healed through working directly on our sense of self esteem. And the more we do that and the more we are able to get that sense of self validation and INNER OKAYNESS 🙏, the less kind of shiny and magical our objects of limerence start looking. And the more they start looking like regular ppl, just like ourselves, who we could connect with - or not connect with - but either way, the connection is gonna be most satisfying, when we're most in reality with each other. 7:44 when we're limerencing, what we are doing is projection some part of our self relationship and our own wounded self esteem onto another person and believing that their love can fix the way we don't love ourselves. This is not an interpersonal problem - it's a self esteem one. So it gets healed through working directly on our sense of self esteem. And the more we do that and the more we are able to get that sense of self validation and INNER OKAYNESS 🙏, the less kind of shiny and magical our objects of limerence start looking. And the more they start looking like regular ppl, just like ourselves, who we could connect with - or not connect with - but either way, the connection is gonna be most satisfying, when we're most in reality with each other.
Heidi, thank you SO much for your videos! Not only do a lot of things all the sudden "make sense" (and as limerent people, we love for things to make sense haha) but also, you are giving me a lot of hope in tackling this ;) Watching those videos whenever I'm in a more vulnerable state gives me a lot of comfort and relief! Thank you! :)
Hello Heidi. Somehow - through all of the hours upon hours of videos that I (and undoubtedly many others) have watched on attachment healing, CPTSD, trauma, relationship healing, attachment styles etc - your videos have *by far* have been the most helpful to me personally. You have been one of the very few to occasionally crack through my rigid, traumatized broken patterns of thinking & shine light in the form of perspective shifts & insights. Something about the delivery, the insights themselves, the analogies...something about it allows for this. Thank you to Heidi for that. Do you offer counseling or therapy? Or some other tools? I'm coming off of a 10 year relationship / 6 year marriage that ended in an abrupt vicious betrayal. It's out of my worst nightmare, I couldn't have ever imagined something worse or harder. I'm so broken & desperate - and horrendously limerent. So much so that my limerence just cost me a blossoming relationship (and one of the only feelings of intimacy or connection I've felt in 10 months). I know I'm not ready for love obviously...like logically, I know that 10 years isn't overcome in 10 months (especially when somehow the divorce still isn't finalized) but I want to heal & I have hope still somehow. Every bit of progress hurts a little bit (as I think it's probably supposed to). Thank you for everything so far. Real gem
I can’t say how tough the last few months have been trying to detach from a limerent relationship. You step away only to find you’re still holding on. It took being cut off post relationship to realize how much I was still attached to the idea of being with the person and the dispair I couldn’t really explain, knowing this person wasn’t right for me ultimately. This video is saving my life, as well as your others. I can’t wait to report back that my limerent objects shine has dulled and I’m viewing life objectively.
This was really helpful...I have had crushes and exes that I just can't get over and now I know why. So helpful to consider integrating those parts of us that we are envious of in others as we are all capable of developing all human characteristics.
It's taken me a year, im finally starting to get my life together. Thanks to videos such as these.do much self reflection. I think it hurt so bad because i think i messed thingsup due not initiating. quicker. Self doubt. Toxic shame.
Heidi, I am loving this heartbreak series! You really have a gift for communicating with compassion. Have you read the article in New York Magazine about Andrew Huberman’s half dozen simultaneous, “exclusive, monogamous” relationships while he spread HPV amongst the group while robbing these women of their final childbearing years? It’s truly awful. I know you’ve probably planned out the rest of this series, but this article is timely and relevant to devastating heartbreak and loss. I would be so grateful to hear your take on how innocent people can both move on from relationships built on a foundation of lies and heal from such a deep betrayal. ❤
I have autism and ADHD. I was raised by fairly distant parents. My mother would yell and scold and scorn if I showed emotion. She could get violent. She was raised in orphanages, is highly intelligent but quite volatile. I was bullied growing up for being different and learned to just pretend to be okay because it was embarrassing not to be. Capable academically, I found substances and was taken advantage of by predators until I gained sobriety from substances. Now I'm drunk on limerence and, despite this wonderful video, still not quite sure how to manage the pain without the limerent fantasy that just helps me feel like I have a friend with me who I can trust.
How do you separate Healthy needs from unhealthy ones? Like … in your example with the guy that encouraged you to embrace your stillness. Can’t that be a good thing that adds up in a functional and authentic relationship? It’s basically learning something positive from them that may be more difficult to integrate on your own than with a partner, embracing new habits together with them. What has then a relationship to offer if all needs can be satisfied for ourselves? Is feeling wanted and cherished by your partner still a bad thing if it’s not obsessive? I’m a bit confused.
Wow, limerance..explains a lot. Had no idea this was a thing. I was a total mess while being in a brief but very intense relationship. A worse mess for years after. She was normal, I was the limerance nut job. No self awareness. Not as smart as I thought I was. Humility strikes again. Thanks for posting your videos
WOW. So timely. I recently had a realization that even though I had "moved on" from a limerent relationship and started dating someone "real," I still had given that person authority to determine my worth. So reason 1 hit on that. Reason 3 was the big "aha" moment though. I'm a raging ENFP with ADHD, and my recent limerent object was a very level, disciplined, focused person (INxJ, I think). I realized from this video that I was projecting or "outsourcing" my hopes of having discipline and consistency in my life onto this person.... but what if I really DO have the capacity for integrating my own form of discipline/consistency into my life??? I know I have wounds that have led me to triple down on "variety" and "adventure," at the expense of my own health and wholeness. Next step: grow into these things for my own sake, rather than to please caregivers or partners, AND ask for support from trusted people who can help me grow in consistency/discipline from a place of self-love.
Watching your videos and hearing your insights is literally regulates my nervous system and leaves me feeling more secure,i'm so grateful to have come across your videos thank you for everything you do,thank you for being you 🙏🏻❤️
Heidi! Thank you!!! This is such valuable, insightful and worthwhile content, and it makes perfect sense. It also reinforces AND underscores the importance of always showing up as our authentic selves in relationships, and serves as a stark reminder that having a ‘healthy’ relationship with oneself, including good self esteem, REAL self love, and a secure attachment style, independent of the external validation & approval by/from others is so crucial to the success of truly rewarding & successful LTR relationships, be they romantic or otherwise! Well done!
What has helped me the most with limerence is doing parts work with Internal Family Systems. At some point I realized that when I had a limerent object, not all of me liked him. Some of me downright disliked him, he was kind of insensitive tbh. But other parts of me *loved* him *so* *much* (it was kinda ridiculous). At some point I decided to split all these voices in my head apart and start to get to the bottom of who inside me wants what exactly and why, and it all had origins in my childhood traumas...
"Adapting to our early childhood environments by not allowing ourselves to be deeply seen", but then through sheer repitition we lose sight of ourselves and what about us is lovable... I know Hiedi is giving all the info and insight, but I think all of this stuff is carved permenantly into my personality, and I dont think there is any recovering from this. I think i might've been wounded to early and too deeply to corrext anynof this stuff, becasue it seems to happen on the kevel of reflex or instinct
In my limerence I worked out deeper issues with my parents and self-love. It took me a while to realize that’s what it was about. This video is so on target. Thank you.
These last few are hitting me as exactly needed to the *minute*. Another nail on the head. This is so incredible. You are providing a map through an incredibly blind space for me and so many others. You’ve given me the language and perspective tools to finally start making sense to myself and my secure partner. I didn’t know a limerick from a limerence less than a year ago, and my first baby steps started on your channel. Thank you, Heidi
Thank you so much Heidi! This video is really eye-opening, and I especially like the part of making limerence your friend and using it as a tool rather than just seeing it as a negative aspect of yourself.
I resisted this video Heidi because it was triggering. I had a very catalytic friendship with someone whose validation or disapproval of me would rock me to my core. I never correlated growing up admiring my appearance or accomplishments and being told I was vain or bragging by my mom to being shamed AND seeking that acknowledgment later in life to limerence. I remember just wanting to be seen by him badly as if his validation somehow cemented my existence. He told me once, “you are so much smarter than you give yourself credit for”. I knew this but because I was shamed for “seeing myself”, I put it all on him. You’re doing the Lords work Heidi. ❤
You are so insightful and articulate such abstract concepts so well! I feel like you're going to have a big impact on the field of psychology. So many of these deeper concepts are sorely missing from mainstream therapy.
A big question that came up for me while watching was why do I fantasize about giving praise and showing affection? Particularly when I’m having limerant feelings about somebody, I often imagine myself physically touching them and saying nice things to them. This is much more common than imagining them saying nice things to me. Conversely, why do I fantasize about being mean? I think I have a lot of shame that leads me to restrain any aggression. This is difficult for me to understand how to deal with, because shouldn’t aggression be restrained? In both cases, I think the similarity is that I’m breaking out of my social mask in which I’m perfectly respectful, never transgress anyone’s boundaries, etc.
🤯🤯🤯 I always became obsessed with beautiful girls. And it was always the relationships that were very short, almost inexistent, maybe a kiss happened at most. And the girls I did have a real relationship with, even if they were beautiful, I was able to move on easily. Cause in my mind it was solved "we dated so there's proof that I'm worthy of a beautiful girl" Watching this video made me realize that I wasn't allowing myself to feel or be beautiful, in a way I deserve physical affection. Cause I didn't have that as a kid, and I remember not letting anyone touch me in an affectuos way, ever. (I viscerally blocked the possibility of enjoying physical touch) but as an adult that's what I crave the most in relationships, for me is cuddling > sex. I always thought about how opposite my relationship to being touched was in different periods of my life, but never understood the conection. So that's why I get obsessed with beautiful girls (specially if they´re very touchy) cause being with one makes me feel beautiful myself and worthy of physical affection. Wow I never thought about it this way. I'm loving this series so far.
Heidi, the pacing and progression of your offerings this month have been so helpful. Thanks for giving us time to digest and for building progressively as you go. My neurons are firing and rewiring like never before. I’m having so many “ohhhhhhhhhhhh…….” moments. Most of all, thank you for helping me understand that I am fundamentally responsible for my own wholeness - and helping me see that attachment healing is really possible.
Could you make a video about disassociation/not being in touch with your emotions? Relating to anxious attachment usually with fawning response, but also for longer periods of time like not really feeling anything for days or weeks. Could really use some tips on how to overcome this from happening over and over again!
Thank you for doing the Limerence videos that you've been putting out. Lately i've realized that i'm not acting normal towards a girl at work who i really like. She acts like she likes me but instead of just taking things one day at a time, i've got this silly idea in my head for how i want everything to go. I'm also spending way too much time in her area at work hoping that she'll come out of her office and we'll get a chance to talk. Started watching youtube vids about obsession but they all felt wrong for me. Those videos seemed to all be about a guy who has an obsession with a girl and the girl isn't interested in him, which doesn't really apply to me as i know this girl is interested in me. So started watching your vids and they seemed to apply the most to my predicament. I see you, a drop dead gorgeous girl, and at first i couldnt' get why you were obsessing over guys until it dawned on me that this sounds exactly like me. A better then average looking guy who obsessing over a girl who acts like she likes him. At the moment the two of us are still in the talking phase. We met about 3 weeks ago at work, our conversations go really well, whenever she sees me in the halls at work she smiles and keeps eye contact on me and seems like she enjoys our conversations, but i seem to always want the story to play out how its played out in my mind. Like instead of just walking into her office and saying 'hey, i'd like to call you sometime, can i get your number?' i'm coming up with elaborate plans for how i want this to happen. It should be so simple yet for whatever reason my mind is making this so much more complicated than it needs to be. On the bright side, i know its definetely not too late for me to try to change these Limerence thoughts im having about her and just let things happen as they happen and i thank you for the videos you've put up which most youtubers aren't. The guy (or girl) who is obsessing over a girl (or guy) who also thinks they're cute, instead of the usual videos of guy obsessess over girl who wants nothing to do with him
Thank you for the timing of this video, Heidi. One year since I realized I was in limerence for someone for the *9th time* at only 23 years old (this pattern began when I was 7 or 8 years old). As soon as I had this realization I immediately went into panic because I was terrified that he (and our mutual friends) would see through me and see how pathetic I was- I didn't want him to even have an inkling that I liked him, so every time I saw him became about masking. Crisis snaps me out of limerence pretty quickly, and 2 months ago I had a crisis that not only snapped me out of it but rendered the limerent object obsolete (because I'll probably never see him again). Yet I'm still compulsively reading the limerence subreddit and ruminating over what happened. It's not that I even miss him or want him, it's that I'm stuck on an issue that was never solved. I've always known that the problem wasn't about him, and didn't only pre-date me meeting him, but *his existence* (my earliest memories of toxic shame- and earliest memories in general- are from when I was *two* years old, around the time this person was born). It's so, *so* hard to address the inner wound that has led to this pattern of serial limerence and distance from real relationships, because it's as fundamental a part of my existence as my own bodily consciousness.
This was incredibly helpful. I've binged through your videos the last two weeks, coming to terms with a limerence I have. It gives me back so much power and agency. Thank you so much. :)
I've been limerencing for 5 years and did craziest things with my life - quit studies, moved to a different country (to be closer to my limerence object) . I'm surprised I haven't ended homeless. My guardian angels must be truly loving me.
Wow, what a helpful video. Thank you so much. I have a strong sense of family but although I loved all my family, they mostly died young - apart from my narcissistic mother who took advantage of my confusion. My use of limerence was exactly as you said. I needed a safe outlet for my yearning to love and be loved, but real life relationships might mean my ideas were wrong and my family's were right. In fact I think it was more accurate that I was a healthy person from an unhealthy family. So much of the family drama was deliberate and manufactured. Doing integration work doesn't seem all that bad in comparison to floundering in confusion and I'm off to get a copy of "The fantasy bond". You have a very good brain and clear expression, making complex issues accessible and providing links too. Thank you so much.
I feel so stuck in limerence , obsessive thinking , sleepless nights & feeling lonely & rejected. Ty you for your videos , it has helped me with clarity & moving on, however still difficult..
So true; my limerence object has been really hard to move past, and I am feeling a lot of shame. My limerence object was very dismissive with me, so all of my insecurities and shame came up.
Heidi, you have been a guiding light, for me abd my partner through a VERY VERY difficult breakup. COSMIC timing 💥 We are doing well despite everything and you have been #1 for assistance on RU-vid. My GAWD, other Break-up videos are childs play compared to the depth you provide. I LOVE how you never use buzzwords like narcissist or other lables so many others do. You really get it from a healthy place that can see so many sides to the stories. - - Just a suggestion tho, use TIME STAMPS! Ill still continue to promote you channel as always ❤
