My biggest problem is seeing them for who they are, and not who they say they are or what I want them to be. It’s not hard to realize when someone is not for you, it’s just hard to accept.
My problem is when someone shows me even a glimpse of attraction or interest, because I don't get it often (despite being called attractive and beautiful a lot) I jump at them and accept whatever romantic offer they give me, even if they're a huge walking red flag. I'm a very logic person, but that part of my brain switches off when I become romantically attracted to someone.
Same here. I try to rationalise and tell me that we surely can find a way to work it out. After all, who am I to reject a chance to connect and to be loved when I pray for it and I am being presented with someone whose green flags surpass the red ones? Or am I just minimizing the red flags 🤔 anyway 😐
Dear Jazzy I truly understand what you are saying :/. Been there in a past and thats why I was suffering in that relationships,but with work on my msellf that change too. 😊
Ugh this is so me. I have BPD as well so it makes it even worse. Got pregnant by a guy five months into a relationship because I was extremelyyy attached. Not three years later, trying to let go as I know this person doesn’t want me at all
Cool video, My relationship of 5 years ended a month ago. The love of my life decided to leave me, I really love her so much I can’t stop thinking about her, I’ve tried my very best to get her back in my life, but to no avail, I’m frustrated, I don’t see my life with anyone else. I’ve done my best to get rid of the thoughts of her, but I can’t, I don’t know why I’m saying this here, I really miss her and just can’t stop thinking about her
If she doesn't love you anymore, why would you want her back ? It's so hard to lose someone you love , it's the worst pain, it hurts like hell. I've been there and know that every day is a struggle for a long time but please believe me when I say that it does get better. In time you will be able to move on and find someone who really loves you. Listen to Dr. Aria, he's been through it and come out the other side. Lots of love to you xx
Hey. I'm in the same situation, how are you now? It has been a month for me as well and I'm stuck and moving like a corpse. She dumped me for someone else and it is extremely painful. I can't get over it
I feel this . I was holding onto how good she made me feel early on in the relationship. But coming to reality … she was the most emotionally unavailable person I have ever dated. It felt like I had to convince her to love me
@@friedkake1876 Well said. It was probably limerance or infatuation like being in love with love. Narcissist's especially covert types know how to draw these feelings out of us.
I’m a male with anxious attachment. I was dating a woman with disorganized attachment. The beginning of the relationship was beautiful but then she started to pull away and go cold and distant. Then when I’d try to move on she’d come back around. It’s been a year since I’ve seen her. I blocked every form of connection possible and moved away. I’ve never wanted someone so bad in my life. I see her in my head every day. Trying to let her go has been the most painful thing I’ve ever felt or had to do in my life. I break out in waves of pain and tears every single day. This video is so spot on. I have a great attachment trauma therapist and doing EMDR. But man what that come here go away stuff did to my brain. She was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen or had in my life. Moving through the pain and trying to detach from her feels engulfing.
I get it. It is the worst thing and most difficult thing that I have ever had to face. I jumped into Somatic Experiencing Therapy and it has hjelped a lot. I'm inving you to start to do this deep form of therapy from somneone you feel good with.
Damn you read my diary. My ex is entangled in my friend group but we have been no contact for 18 months. I think of her and her son everyday. This past weekend we were among the group as they all came to my show. I was very cordial and respectful but it was killing me knowing we aren’t a couple and can’t work it out.
adding timestamps: 5:04 Step 1 - Separate the attachment from reality vs fantasy 8:20 Step 2 - Start telling the truth within the relationship 13:01 Step 3 - Fully feel the pain of the loss of connection 19:45 Step 4 - Allow your life to have a void from the loss 28:50 Step 5 - Integrate the love and connection you experienced
Your videos feel like someone compassionate holds my hand and walks me patiently through the darkest and scariest times. Thank you so much for how well articulated you lay out the harsh truth and how you prepare us for the hard work ❤
This is THE MOST clear cut advice I have found on how to truly move on from someone. I have searched video after video, and article after article, trying to find the answers on how to do this, and nothing has given me the internal steps I needed to implement to make moving on a reality. I have felt stuck and have been struggling for months. I literally NEEDED this... I am so grateful I could cry. THANK YOU ❤
I’m grieving the loss of my husband who died at home unexpectedly. Our relationship had its ups and downs but we loved each other deeply. He brought me so much joy, laughter and adventures I had never expected. He also brought me heartache and insecurity. I know your video is more aimed at younger people who will probably find love again. I know some day I will be open to adventures that I wouldn’t have imagined if not for him. I just wanted to say, this video hit a positive cord for me and I can apply it to the accumulation of losses we have when we are much older, thank you, I love your videos and always look forward to the next one.
I’m 50 and ending a 30 years old relationship and this video helped me a lot too. It doesn’t matter how old you are. This is useful to anyone who has lost someone or something really meaningful to them.
oh Wendy. I could have written what you wrote. My story is a twin to yours. My appreciation for Heidi and the wisdom she imparts equals your too! Best, LK PS: I'm six months into my widowhood.
I’m in my mid 50’s and this channel is a life saver. I am a recovering person with childhood trauma that led to drugs and alcohol. Im almost 20 years without a drink or a drug and the last 5 years of recovery has uncovered so much shame. Abandonment issues. A god like experience with someone that turned out to be limerence. I have survived it all. With help. People have appeared in my life for a short time and opened up wounds I can now address and hopefully heal from. I’m sorry for your loss, but you’re not alone. It’s a dark world out there. Be the Light. Share your experience with someone it can help. If it’s appropriate. Timing is important. The journey never ends. Safe travels.
I read once "I am a tapestry of everyone I have ever loved, even for only a moment". I don't know why it hadn't occurred to me that accepting this is part of the process of moving on...thank you. These videos have helped me so much.
When i broke up with my ex, i knew i was going to tell myself a bunch of stories about the relationship in order to hang onto my attachment. I immediately started to make a list of delusion vs. reality statements. For example, "misconception: I'm nothing without him. reality: you're everything you want to be, and the things you haven't achieved yet are in front of you. you get to take all the good things with you out of this relationship: your playfulness and sense of joy and wonder; your determination and work ethic; your strength and beauty; your talent and creativity; your ability to communicate effectively; your commitment to health and fitness; your ability to establish and enforce boundaries." Not all of the statements were positive, but i like this one because it reinforced my sense of self-worth.
The intensity of our loneliness is a strong indicator of how sick society is. We don't believe we'll find love because we never see it happening in real life. It's not that it never happens, it's that when it does, those people are removed as they go nest or fly together and we lose them from our lives. If our society were healthy we'd never let loneliness make others desperate but there's so much loneliness and desperation we don't know where to begin as a society and our leaders, doctors and media have done little or nothing to help. They just keep pushing an unrealistic dream of success and we keep buying.
"Trying to speed yourself through the loss tends you rob you of the most human moments of your life" Thank you so much for this video. It's exactly what I needed to hear.
That 'smth' you're hearing is a pulsating variable star. Don't take it as a sign, it may be a misguided anecdote. Also, stars only align because of gravity.
Thank you so much for this. As I was watching I thought of a quote I came across recently: "you never lose people, you return them, because they were never yours to begin with." We tend to see the people we love (albeit subconsciously) as our possessions. The truth is, they aren't. People don't *belong* to us, we have free will. People are allowed to leave our lives and vice versa. When we're able to look at things objectively and let go of that need for control, it helps take away the feeling of attachment. This was such a timely video as I am grieving someone I let go of 9 months ago. It's videos like yours that is helping me connect the dots and innerstand how to move through this process. Sending love to anyone reading this.
Thank you so much for posting this quote, I've been struggling with a break-up for around 6 months, full of confusion about what happened. This quote instantly moved me to tears, though shifted something in me. It's also helped me frame a new relationship and a way to view all future connections, perhaps treating them with a little more care.
There is so much negative, ruminating, egotistical content out here that is easy to fall into. This is the healthy, mindful, direct content that is really helping me navigate the life I actually want to be living. Subscribed.
It's been 10 months since my partner of six years abruptly ended our relationship. It was the most beautiful, loving, harmonious relationship I've ever experienced. I'm 36 now and I lost both parents and many loved ones before the age of 22, but what I have felt with this separation has been uniquely painful as I'd never felt such love and belonging before this relationship. It's one thing to lose people unexpectedly to death, but it's a whole other bag when you lose someone unexpectedly because they chose it and they're still alive. I keep thinking "I'm almost through it, I'm starting to see the light" and then I get sucked back into the void. I'm sure the gravity of the holidays coming up isn't helping. Regardless, I could not have heard the messages in this video so clearly until now. Thank you, Heidi. I needed this exactly today.
I'm grieving the loss of an unhealthy relationship with someone I suspect has narcissistic personality disorder. It has been a challenging time for me. This video is helpful.
I totally understand as I’ve been there, too. It’s weird - following a relationship like that, the only ones in therapy are the victims, who are actually the healthy ones!
I am going through this as we speak. I just ended a 2 plus year relationship with someone who was not only narcissistic but was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. This video has helped a lot and it’s pretty much on repeat.
Me too. Wow what a ride!😢 But,it actually led me to myself and although I am sad it went the way it went I have a lot more peace and all that energy I put into the person I am putting it into myself and really working on the shadows it brought out in me. I got called names and accused of all kinds of things while allowing myself to be controlled. I finally had enough and pulled that mfer off the pedastal and cut them off. I still pray for them and love the core of them but I love me,too and no person has a right to play puppet master with another. It realky showed me some very long standing subconscious stories I have held. Silver linings.
Due to the way life 'made' me , its taken me 17 years to let go - Thanks to this vid, I can now say I am integrating Self esteem, Self forgiveness, Self compassion, Self acceptance and more Self reliance. Thanks Ben, I hope you retrieved what you needed from our short-lived but magical relationship
When a relationship ends, I usually need at least the same amount of time it lasted to recover, and to even think about needing someone else. I always thought it was weird, since people around me are bouncing back so quickly. Now I understand it's perfectly natural. Thank you 🖤
What if you’ve been with someone for 5-10 years? 👀 You waited that long to move forward? I’ve made the mistake of moving on too fast. But the same amount of time sounds too long
You have seriously been a godsend. This was the exact thing I was struggling with tonight... I open youtube to zone out, and boom, "uploaded 2 hours ago." I can't tell you how helpful you have been in the past month and a half as I move through a breakup with someone I love very much. God, it hurts. You have seriously changed my life and have helped me see my own flaws and incorrect thought patterns in a safe way. I feel like my life will be better having learned these lessons through you. Thank you so much.
/just a little summary for myself 1. 5:08 Separate a reality and imagined story (how do i feel with this person at the time?) 2. 8:25 Stop trying to control the outcome -> start telling the truth about what's happening with you around the other person (you can learn lots of information about your reaction on different situation s) 3. 13:02 Feel the pain of disconnection and a loss without saving yourself from that pain (not try to cover the truth about the relationship by any means, instead point out your physical and mental state) 4. 19:47 Avoid that person for some time to learn how you can have a joy in life without them (+ not join the next relationship too fast) 5. 28:50 Integrate the love you had in the past into the future life
1 - how do you feel around the person when you’re with them and without? 2 - what is actually happening in the relationship dynamic without thinking about the future/outcome? 3 - feel the pain of disconnection fully and not savouring the pain. Sit and be curious about your feelings. Although it’s painful don’t go back because it’s an unhealthy dynamic. Realise you can sit with the pain and survive. 4 - move through the void of not having that someone. Don’t replace them with someone else. This is where you grow and ‘absorbs the loss’. 5 - you’ll realise the positive aspects of what was lost that you can now integrate in your life. FYI it takes approximately 3 years to detach/ move on from someone. Step 4 and 5 allows you to reclaim yourself.
This video made me understand why my partner keeps feeling and acting like our relationship is over while simultaneously talking about moving in together. I've always known their fantasy world is very present, but this video explains how they're in denial about the true state of our relationship and how their dreams about a perfect future and a wedding and kids are projected onto me subconsciously and not realistically. I've known this to some degree for a while but this just makes me fully understand. I know this wasn't the purpose of the video but thank you anyway.
This video validated something major for me that I always suspected was the case in the back of my mind. I idolized my first love for his incredible self-assuredness and confidence in who he was in a way that I wasn't. I grew up very self-rejecting and very insecure and shaky in my self concept, with a very shame bound identity. I felt like in my relationship with him I could somehow become self-assured and confidant by osmosis. My healing journey involves more self-acceptance and boundaries and it's just so ironic that this breakup was the very thing that illuminated the importance of defining those things for myself instead of letting myself be defined by my association with others.
Highly recommend not disassociating. My feelings flooded back 15 years later after I ended a budding relationship and it’s more difficult to move on because I recognize now that the relationship could have been salvaged if not for my insecure fearful avoidant style. He was providing honesty, offering emotional security, and trying to be supportive. I’m now married and beyond able to have that particular relationship again but am glad I’m finding this video so I can apply some of it to my life now. This information is invaluable. Thank you for your insight Heidi.
I am in the same scenario: maybe this is to the why of the attachment all the good that that man really was, but can anyone really B this? Nau g h it's all in your head.thanks for the information & help.
One of the best relationship videos I've listened to. The truth sucks. No one wants to face it. This gives me some hope that I can have the strength to face the truths in my life. 😢
This was really helpful and well-timed. Reminds me a lot of the 4 Tasks of Mourning: Task I: To accept the reality of the loss. Task II: To process the pain of grief. Task III: To adjust to a world without the deceased. Task IV: To find an enduring connection with the deceased in the midst of embarking on a new life.
When I think of my relationship with him, I'm feel: insecure, rejected, inadequate, discouraged and sad. Here's what I notice is physically happening in my body: I feel my jaw clench up to fight back tears that want to fall. I feel a pit in my stomach so I'm clenching my abdomen almost as if my body is bracing for danger (because my nervous system is reacting to this as a physical threat). Dear body, thank you for trying to keep me safe and helping me to survive this discomfort. I am safe now. It's okay to feel these feelings. Feelings are temporary.
I'm listening to this AGAIN, with a pen and paper this time. That Patricia Crittenden quote to define what it means to move on is really making things feel so clear to me today. Her assessment that 3 years is approximately the period of time it takes to really move on from somebody who's been a deep significant attachment figure to us. *To move from a place where our identity and the way that we think about ourselves is significantly intertwined with this Other to a place where our identity feels like it is all ours again* wow, that is extremely useful and lets me know exactly what it is I should be aiming for.
Thank you! Major loss for me. It has been 2 weeks and I have been distracting myself not to feel the pain. For the first time, finally, I was able to cry.
Thank you Heidi that was a beautiful and extremely helpful video. I’m am a 54yr old who has just had 4 1/2 yr relationship end today, I have survived being married to a violent angry man for over 20yrs, suffered a long term illness during my teens and 20s and was a bullied little fat kid at school. So life hasn’t been a walk in the park, but I was lucky that I came from a very loving family, and they showed me through that love, how to survive. I realise that today I feel very much like that little fat girl who was rejected by her peers, and I have spent the day in tears, but THANKYOU for helping me to stay in reality and move through the pain. I will always be grateful🥰
My adhd partner discarded me out of the blue in December 😢I loved him so deeply and still do. Don't know to get over him crying 24/7. He's staying in touch but says he can't can't handle stress. I never criticised him or treated him bad. I'm 65 and having a heartache like crazy. Much love from Germany ❤
I totally get what your saying I have ADD I'm in love with a person who does not feel the same way but wants my friendship ..I'm emotionally crippled and my confidence has gone .I don't feel good enough for anyone, people see my insurcurity and I run ..I can't fall in love with anyone else through fear of being let down again . Logic for someone with chronic ADD does not come as easy as neuro typical people . I'm in pain and alone .
@anthonynichols8468 Going through it right now. It's fresh and it's terrible! I can barely get through 5 mins at a time... So trust me, I not only know and understand... But am barely struggling through it myself, right now. Don't know how others do it, honestly. 😔
A lot of this is still valid for a mother /daughter relationship. I had a story that she would EVENTUALLY listen, if I kept trying to be heard. But no. She has labelled me mad, bad, sad and has changed all the facts to support her gaslighting of me that she is the victim of my "aggression". I have to give up. I have to let go. It is painful though. I'm not saviouring myself. It really hurts. 3 years and 3 months since i asked her to consider my feelings and from that day, she has been the victim of me. Im not a real person to her. It's awful. If you don't "saviour" yourself, i hope the pain goes away. It is less painful than it was. It is renewed sporadically when my brother says things like "do the facts matter?". Well yes, when she is distorting the truth in order to smear me and justify her victim stance, yes, the facts matter.
I feel your pain love, I'm so sorry. I know it hurts like hell cos I've been in the same place. I was only able to let go of my mother and the story I told myself about our relationship after years of traumatherapy. Living in that void, feeling her absence - and most of all truly understanding that she would never be able to or want to hear me - ripped my f*cking heart out. But grieving her and the idea of how our relationship should be also set me free. I don't know how to explain it, I just feel so much better now. I think its because I realized that I don't need her to feel heard. With the help of traumatherapy, I can finally listen to my childhood self (instead of gaslighting myself, which I did before). I can provide all the love, empathy and understanding that this little kid inside of me so desperately wanted from our mom. And somehow now, I feel heard. I really hope that you will be able to eventually experience the same kind of peace. Sending light⭐ Oh and YES, the facts matter!!!!!🤗
I am in the midst of separation with my husband now and this really helps me a lot when it comes to dealing with the pain of losing someone I hold so dear in my life for the past 10 years. Thank you so much.
8:15 "but I'm guessing if that's the case, you probably didn't click on this video" No, Heidi. I watch all your videos regardless of whether it seems relevant or not. I learn so much.
I love how clinical and politely you are describing my delusions 😅 seriously though every video of yours is SPOT ON and exactly what I’ve needed going through my current break up and GROWING so I don’t keep attracting and bringing the same energy into my future. Thank you ❤
Sheesh as i was watching this I started crying at the 27 minute mark. LOL I don't know how you can say all this without crying yourself. You are a warrior Heidi.
The hard part is it's hard to believe that a relationship is not working. It just means that the other person does not care as much as you do and that is the most painful thing I fell in love and cared about someone who doesn't care if I'm alive or dead. I think the phrase that helped me the most with this throughout therapy because obviously I've had an attachment theme more than one time in my life whether it was a conflict with a friend or with my family was that the relationship is not working right now. Just right now and that really helped you know that you need to keep your distance work in yourself heal and then you never know down the line it could work but right now it's not working so you need to take that space to work on yourself. Without that I would go into complete despair and not be able to function and that is almost with everybody with a sibling a parent a romantic partnership a friendship extremely devoted extremely intense and I love very very deeply. So when they said it's not working right now I could exhale a little bit and focus on things that can control like working at myself.
Of the hundreds of :break-up" videos I've watched in the last 2 years and 21 days, I think this has the been the single most helpful one. I love your clear concise message about the fantasy versus the reality. I'll always miss her but the void is slowly getting smaller.
As a non-religious being having trouble with all the higher power stuff around 12 step programs, I am almost inclined to see the perfect timing of your videos as a sign of the collective good. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for all the incredibly useful content you put out.
Yep, I wonder what goes through people to actually recommend that program. Most of the steps have zilch to do with the problem, they are mere misssionary tools
@@ThiLI0n Read the book by Robin Norwood (When women love too much). A "higher power" is needed if people are addicted / severely co-dependent. That higher power can be god, the universe, spirit, .... . Even the group can constitute your "higher power". (a group of humans dedicated to a beneficial goal is so much more as the sum of the participants).
its so hard because when things are good with my boyfriend, they're really good, we're like best friends, but things can flip quickly (for me) and then it's really bad. he'll just make passive aggressive or petty comments out of nowhere, I get super dysregulated, respond harshly, then he argues with me and we spiral out. I tell myself I'm going to take a breath or let it go next time he does it, but what? I'm just supposed to put up with that my whole life? why? I've asked him many times to stop and think before he speaks, but nothing changes. On top of that he's super rigid and anxious and everything has to revolve around him and what he wants/needs or he'll become irritable like that and the comments will be more and more common. But even with all that, he's always extremely loving and affectionate towards me, he compliments me all the time, and makes me feel like the most beautiful and valuable person in the world. I know that when we break up I'm going to be devastated and believe I self-sabotaged and ruined everything with a guy who was crazy about me. I feel so hopeless about what to do.
The metaphor of the unhealthy relationship being like cheese in the fridge for too long is, to me, quite poetic! This was very enlightening. Thank you!
‘you cannot move on from anything you have once loved and considered a part of yourself without moving through the void of that things absence’ perfect. its okay to be depressed, it doesn’t mean you will stay stuck there.
What about when it's all of your relationships though? I am showing up honestly and I'm finding all of my friendships and relationships don't bear out the honesty. It's not one relationship. There seems to be a lot of advice for people who won't face the reality of what is going on, but what about when you do. There's no advice for dealing with that level of pain - when there is nothing there, and I don't mean with one person. I mean with everyone. Just by the way I'm not someone who doesn't know myself. I do. I reflect and journal and take time and go back and try again and accept rejection. Surely, the point of these videos is that there is someone somewhere, but what about when that facing reality shows that there isn't anybody there.
Every person that's been recently divorced needs to listen to this video. I can't tell you how important the process of letting go is and acknowledging and feeling the pain to eventually releasing it and letting it fade away. The void to me is working on your personal development. Feed and exercise your mind your body and your spirit. May it be so for you!
Gonna have to watch this one a couple of times. I’ve finally had an awakening and realized that the verbally and emotionally abusive codependent relationship that I’ve been in with my alcoholic boyfriend for almost six years needed to end. While part of me is sad, part of me is relieved and I’m eager for peace; but I know the void is critical because this is a cycle that must be broken.
This sounds like me but only 14 months together. Enough was enough when he crashed my car, drink driving. Hate this missing him part but cannot go back to the daily abuse/love bombing/complaints/declarations of love/constant criticisms. It was exhausting.
Fudge! This is exactly what has been happening to me in the last 10 years of my life! Every time I am rejected and my vulnerability is stepped upon my mind takes me immediately to the future when things will get better and I will be understood! I am co-regulating with fantasy! I have been trying so hard to change myself to make things work but the perfect relationship never existed in the first place!!! My wellbeing and happiness was never a priority in the first place! 💔💔💔 I should have left many years ago! My brain has been playing tricks on me and wants to kill me!!! 😢😢 It is such a shame that the lightbulb moment takes long and not until we are ready. Heidi, you are a genius!! I always said that but you are a phenomenon! ❤😍💖
I keep coming back to this video and it reminds me that to truly move on I need to accept that pain is an inevitable part of the process. It's not always easy, but I'm thankful for opportunities to grow and continue being honest with myself.
Never heard this explained so perfectly. WOW! Thank you. This pain is unlike anything I have ever experienced. Losing my partner immediately after a miscarriage and I have been driven to the depths of despair.
Your videos are so fitting to my situation right now. It's hard to let go, especially when the partner wasn't toxic or anything bad. Just "not right". Over 2 years I tried to make it work but finally I came to a place of acceptance, that my fantasy will never be real with him. And I can't keep on living in my head. But it hurts. A lot. But I am going through it.
Watched this video a second time and cried my eyes out while moving through the void, as I accepted the relationship is truly over. Going through the pain is hard, but you're so right that feeling the pain is essential as I acknowledge how much the person means to me and how it will never be the way I imagined. Like you said at the end, I am thankful for the impact they've had on my life and I HAVE integrated so much of what attracted me to them in the first place. Still need some more time dealing with the pain before I try to connect to someone else, but I'm so thankful for this experience and all the growth I've had this year as a result.
The analogy of smelling before eating really hits home for me. That's so make sense 🎉 I'm in pain because this relationship doesn't work ❤ Thank you so much for making this video 🎉
I wish someone made attachment informed videos that incorporate manifestation techniques. I feel like the two are so at odds with each other. Isn’t it possible to detach in your current circumstance but keep affirming for things to get better in the relationship.
I almost didn't watch this when I saw the video recommended because i felt like i was not ready to hear what you had to say. But wow, this was such a beautiful guide. Your words were so kind while also being firm and reinforcing the importance of being centered in reality rather than fantasy (which i am often a victim of). Thank you so much for this, Heidi.
Omg! Heidi are you making this content just for me lately? My BF of 3 yrs just ended our relationship. After an amazing first year, things had been declining since I moved in with him in year 2. I thought it was growing pain but turns out it was the beginning of the end. Things have deteriorated further in Year 3 and it’s clear I stayed too long. We have 2 mos left on our current lease to get through as roommates (fortunately we have separate bedrooms). I want to let go (emotionally) and move forward with my life and these videos are SUPER helpful.
This was both very helpful and comforting, and also so hard to listen to for me in this moment. I am divorcing my husband whom I still love very much, because there are too many things that are not working for us. Far too much of my self-validation and self-worth come from his friendship, love, and approval, and I am in excruciating pain trying to start letting go of my attachment to him and our marriage. 💔 I broke down crying so many times when you were talking about feeling the pain and being present with it when you notice the person’s absence and the loss you feel. The pain down the centre of my chest is so heavy and draining 😣
Part of me knows this process is what I need to go through. Part of me feels so, so much resistance. That resistant part carries a story that I’m not ready to let go or move on because “what if we are meant to be back together” “what if I never see him again” “what if it’s too hard” all the typical things. And the void!! Holy shit. The encouragement you give to stay in the void as long as you need. To feel the void and what it’s doing inside you. The void roots you into the reality of the beauty of that relationship. And that stays with you, if you want it to. So all the fears in my mind of “what if I never have a connection to them again” are somewhat consoled by this void. The void allows the connection to be exactly what it is. Thank you Heidi. Thank you so much.
This is worth watching several times. So encompassing, so real. Her discussion about being present with our physical sensations in the moment, to ground ourselves in the wisdom of the body when our minds are doing loops is pure gold--to mention just one of the gems in this video. And, as always, offering up her own experiences is a vulnerable and generous way to bring it all home to us.
You know what surprises me. I was able to intuitively figure this out on my own when I had noone to go to and actually heal. I am kinda impressed by myself ngl 😮😮😮
Oh, this is just so spot-on and thorough. Unbelievably relevant and helpful. I recently experienced a breakup of a very short term but intense and passionate relationship which has been brutal to let go of. I have had an easier time walking away from a marriage than walking away from this situation. This video was so helpful and I appreciate the honest delivery; no sugar-coating. Detaching from the person I was with has been one of the most painful experiences of my life. The relationship just triggered so many unresolved childhood traumas for me; but experiencing this is helping me to understand my attachment style, and hopefully to choose partners in the future, who will be more safe and secure places for me to land. Anyway, great video.
"Let your relationship autocorrect around the truth." Thank you Heidi! I will put that into practice from now on and I'm putting that in a frame and up on the wall it goes.
18:41 emotional pain; not pleasant but there is a reason for the pain. “I am in pain and the reason I am in pain is this relationship is not working,” to center in reality, and don’t allow self to avoid the pain. “I am in pain and the reason I am in pain is I am losing something that I care about deeply.”
I think this is a universally great video that will help anyone dealing with emotional loss. Heidi, you have a beautiful mind and a unique perspective and I’m grateful that you share your healing experiences with us. Thank you for creating your specialized content to help us with our own personal healing journeys. It really demonstrates what a wonderful heart you have.
Why does Heidi not have a patreon and downloadable transcription or summary for each of her videos?! I have to write my own like an animal for quick reference when I’m feeling triggered. Surely, I am not the only one! You’re awesome Heidi!
This video is gold. My 27-yr old bf recently died from an accidental overdose/drowning, Ala Matthew Perry. We were together for two yrs. He has trauma, addiction, and depression. I wasn’t strong enough to leave him, and I am gutted for his loss. Happened seven weeks ago. But, I know that I have to reframe it in my mind that we would have never worked out as long as he wasn’t sober nor functional. It is so hard to accept that he wasn’t for me, after all the time, love, and resources I poured into him. I discovered a lot of lies and betrayal about him posthumously. I have to accept that it wasn’t going to work. Grief is very lonely, but surely the love I felt and gave him I can give to myself in droves.
If you struggle with insecure attachment please have compassion for yourself. You are not insufficient and you are worthy of love. May you learn to provide yourself with the love and validation you deserve.
Possibly one of the most impactful videos I've ever watched/listened to. Thank you Heidi. Currently navigating the end of a 22-year relationship and you have no idea how much these words have helped shift things for me 🙏
Hi Gwion, I your comment caught my attention as I saw "22 Yr relationship "..and thought your circumstances similar to mine of 33 yrs. Please give me some hope that since you posted your comment 5 months ago, that there is some light at the end of the tunnel I find myself presently stuck in 😢..my whole world feels such a scary mess right now.
Thank you, my marriage with an avoidant just ended, he was having an affair for over 6 months and is now dating her. I started my healing journey as an anxious person the last 4 months. You helped me so much. I feel like these videos saved me ❤
I tell myself, “it might be hurting me. being not in connection with the person but it will much more hurting being in the relationship with that person”. 😢
Thanks Heidi your timing could not have been better. I just got out of a very toxic codependent friendship that had some truly, exceptionally beautiful moments but was empirically killing us both. I was the one who had a lot more to gain and lose, and so the separation feels like a failure of character and/or a failure of class, and that such a person will never come around again, and so on until I've crafted a horrible story about how my life will be awful and this was the last war I will ever fight. This video has been invaluable at helping sketch out a real plan to help process through the loss in a healthy way and be open to the best possibilities in front of me.
@chavesa5 I am in a toxic friendship of twenty something years and like you we were so co dependant I feel broken hearted but cannot be hurt anymore. So here goes listening to Heidi and hoping I handle it with dignity and some self respect. Hope you are doing ok seven months on
Just seeing this video while I’m going through huge amount of pain, is healing. I plan to watch this everyday to remind myself of the 5 points. Thank you very much Heidi. You’re a saviour.
The best "what should I do regarding ending this relationship or not" video I've ever seen! There's too many that really push for you to stay married and somewhere in middle of the video you'll realize they're highly religious and pushing you to stay together at all costs! I really appreciate your content, such a clear, concise, and easy to understand communicator.
I'm so very grateful to you for your wisdom. I've been struggling with regaining my Self after a loss, and I have been doing everything I can to speedtrack my healing. I felt like it left me vulnerable to backsliding - like I was still in his power. I'll have to come back here in the future when I need reminding not to cut corners when it comes to experiencing the reality of my grief.
Great video! What I took from this video was, whenever I feel down and think about what was great in the past, come back to reality and remember how the bad outweighed the good. Also, that there is no future, and if I stayed, would the relationship be good or bad? Reality tells me that the future would have been terrible.
Going through disconnection now and it hurts like hell. Went for a trail hike and just prayed for God to help me deal with the pain of losing a friendship with a false hope of evolving into a romantic story.
You've helped me immensely with this video. I am a year and a half after a divorce and still struggle with the feeling of grief and failure. But every day is better, bit by bit.
This video was very helpful and brought me to necessary tears. I have done a lot of healing and have made a lot of progress, but the attachment is still there through anger and sadness towards the person that I have supposedly moved on from. You frame and put words to these blurry, wobbly, painful emotions. This is amazing work you're doing. I recently finished short-term behavioral therapy and your videos are as challenging and beneficial as those sessions. You are providing an amazing service to the public in times where mental healthcare may not covered or available to some. A sincere thank you for the incredible work you put into making this available.
This was useful. My situation seems extra difficult because the fantasy wasn't just nurtured and constantly revived by me, but also by her gaslighting me into thinking it was reality. I thought things were improving significantly, and she agreed. But it turns out she was cheating on me. And she is still coming back.
You are positively BRILLIANT. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart for this. I’ve experienced SO MUCH LOSS in my 49 yrs. And right now, another relationship I thought was, “The One.” Your lessons on Limerence coupled with this are total game changers.
Once again you have tapped into my inner psyche and pulled out what I am struggling with, vocalized it to help me hear it, absorb it and then provide me steps to understanding my thought distortions and what I need to do to make the necessary corrections in my journey of healing to help me become the truest version of me I can. I cannot express how grateful that I am for having you put in my path at this point in time to help me. Thanks You!
thank you for telling me to be present and pay attention to how i feel when we're together. I had to realize I was in love with the prospects and possibilities of what could be instead of feeling good together with her
Thank you very much for this explanation and advice. I am going through it after my fiancé left a few weeks ago. I have been focusing on treating myself kindly, but i never thought about trying to integrate what I miss about us. I'm a 38 year old man and I've been crying for weeks about it with not a soul to tell or talk about it. I am a mess.
I’m so glad I found you. You wired my tears away and made me understand how to move forward and out of the yucky ruminating. Thank you dear for your work.🙏
This shed light on a beautiful relationship that died several deaths, the final time as a friendship I truly thought I'd have for the rest of my life. My attachment style is ordinarily secure, but this one time it was not, and now that I'm in Stage 5, integrating, I have all sorts of insights as to why. Thank you!
